Archive for the ‘football jokes’ category
May 1, 2016
Toronto Raptors’ Kyle Lowry on today’s game 7. “This is like our Super Bowl, win or go home.” Uh, so maybe Lowry isn’t a big NFL fan, but has someone told him after the Super Bowl both teams go home?
The New York Yankees, at 8-15, are in the cellar of the AL East. No punchline, I just like writing it.
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So wait a minute, there are no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs but one in the NBA playoffs? Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.
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The White House has put forward proposals to make it easier for federal, state and local agencies to buy “smart guns” that only operate for certain users. The NRA is of course against it, saying the concept is “unproven” and “causes us great concern”. Because of course nothing ever goes wrong now with stolen law enforcement guns. #sarcasm
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Some are already grading this year’s NFL draft picks by team. Yep, the same experts who had this year’s Super Bowl between the Seahawks or Packers, and the Colts or the Patriots.
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Congrats to #MaliaObama who will be attending #Harvard. Wonder if that means she didn’t get into #Stanford?
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Donald Trump, going after Hillary last week called her “one of the all time great enablers.” Of course, Trump’s wives are never enablers, he just trades them in for younger models first.
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Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself petting a tiger while the big cat was on a leash. Ok, be honest, how many other people were hoping for an equipment malfunction?
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Another thought about this bathroom insanity. Something like 90% of children who are sexually abused, are abused by someone they know. So where are the fear mongers about friends and relatives taking children into bathrooms?
Talking with friends yesterday after the Correspondents dinner, mentioned that I once wrote a joke that made then Senator Obama laugh. They suggested I post it.
In 2007 was able to meet him briefly on a rope line.
Said, “Senator, people say you’re the rock star of the Democratic party, but you’re too young to be president. But I’m looking at these concert tours for the Who, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones. And thinking you’re plenty old enough to be President. But you are not old enough to be a rock star.”
(he not only laughed he said I might be right, and he had all their records.)
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, Janice Hough, NHL jokes, Obama jokes, raptors jokes, Toronto jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 27, 2016
Okay, if you had someone who had never watched baseball before last night’s SF Giants’ 1-0 win, a Johnny Cueto complete game gem. And then they watched today’s 13-9 game…. well, it would be very hard to explain to them that it’s the same sport.
#NBA worried about #AllStar game in #NorthCarolina, but no one figured they’d need to worry about 2nd or 3rd round playoff games #Hornets
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#Rockets don’t just look like they don’t belong on floor with #Warriors, Houston looks like they don’t belong on floor with #Villanova.
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Justin Bieber picked the Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA title. That might be the best news the Warriors, Thunder and Spurs have heard all week.
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He stays, he goes, he stays, he goes…? Apparently 49ers GM Trent Baalke still won’t rule out trading Colin Kaepernick this week. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dudes, make up your minds.”
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Emily Pitha, a fundraiser for John McCain’s Senate re-election campaign fundraiser, has been arrested in Arizona for a meth lab with LSD, cocaine, heroin, counterfeit cash and bomb-making materials. And who’d a thunk McCain would ever associate with a woman he hadn’t properly vetted.
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Donald Trump accuses Hillary of playing the “woman card.” Ted Cruz picks Carly Fiorina, thereby playing the “madwoman card.”
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Dennis Hastert has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. Yep, the same former speaker who voted with the Moral Majority and co-sponsored a bill against online predators, saying “it sends a strong message to the most heinous of criminals who prey upon our children — you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”
I guess preying upon children at school doesn’t count?
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Ted Cruz has apparently picked Carly Fiorina as his running mate. The only person who could make Cruz look likeable by comparison?
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So have to wonder, if Cruz wanted to add a woman to his proposed ticket, why not someone like Nikki Haley, who most people like and respect even if they don’t agree with her.
Hmm, of course maybe he did ask and Haley is smart enough to have said “NFW.”
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Ted Cruz has picked Carly Fiorina for his running mate should he win the nomination. Hmm, wonder who Ben Stiller has picked for his speechwriter should he win an Oscar for Zoolander 2?
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Ted Cruz last night, referencing Hoosiers “The amazing thing is that basketball ring here in Indiana, it’s the same height as it is in New York City and every other place in this country.”
Standby for Cruz’s next speech where he talks about getting into the boxing hoop with Donald Trump.
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Dennis Hastert has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. Yep, the same former speaker who voted with the Moral Majority and co-sponsored a bill against online predators, saying “it sends a strong message to the most heinous of criminals who prey upon our children — you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”
I guess preying upon children at school doesn’t count?
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, Carly Fiorina jokes, emily pitha, hastert jokes, McCain jokes, rockets jokes, SF Giants jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 26, 2016
CNN.com headline “Tiger feels good after first holes of year.” So are we talking golf?
Giancarlo #Stanton just hit a three-run home run off of Clayton #Kershaw. Who does Stanton think he is? Madison #Bumgarner?
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Uh oh, Drew Brees on Roger Goodell. “I think we would all agree that [he] definitely has too much power. He is judge, jury and executioner when it comes to all the discipline. I’m not going to trust any league-led investigation, when it comes to anything.”
So wonder what Goodell is going to do to the Saints this year?
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The Los Angeles #Clippers announced Blake Griffin will be out the rest of the postseason, and Chris Paul will be out, “indefinitely.” Okay, so they’ll both miss two games.
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DeAndre Jordan, with a lifetime 42% FT percentage, managed to shoot 2 consecutive air balls from the line yesterday. Heck I could probably at least hit the rim.
Changing the “hack” rule for people like him is like giving baseball’s free swingers 4 strikes, or giving last year’s 49ers five downs.
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Johnny Manziel has been indicted by a Texas grand jury on an assault charge. Hmm. Maybe Johnny Football REALLY wanted to be picked up by the Cowboys or 49ers.
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#NottheOnion Andrew Luck has started an online book club. And down in the SEC they’re asking “What’s a book?”
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Skip Bayless is leaving ESPN after the NBA finals. So the position of “Most Obnoxious Man” on the network is open.
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Think the only way #KellyRipa could have gotten more media attention lately is if she had started a #Twitter war with #DonaldTrump
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Not sure, but just guessing before round 2 that if asked anyone connected with the San Antonio Spurs will say of course Durant and Westbrook are both superstars. #MarkCuban #hesaindiot
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Apparently a new and successful form of medical marijuana for women with PMS and gynecological pain issues is marijuana suppositories. Kind of puts a whole new slant on “up yours.”
Donald Trump tonight tweeted “Bernie Sanders has been treated terribly by the Democrats—both with delegates & otherwise. He should show them, and run as an Independent!”
Uh, Donald, speaking of feeling badly treated by a party, why don’t YOU run as an independent?”
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Donald Trump tonight said the only thing Hillary has is “the woman’s card” but “women DON’T like her.” Got news for the Donald. women like him less.
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Andrew Luck jokes, hack jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NBA playoffs jokes, NFL jokes, skip bayless jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
April 25, 2016
Oops, this one didn’t get posted yesterday . So a bit out of order…. I blame Obama.
Steph Curry’s MRI has worst case looking 3-5 weeks. The good news for Warriors fans, that’s only about another round of the NBA playoffs.
The #Lakers have fired coach #ByronScott. Who’s to say #KobeBryant didn’t get any results his farewell season?
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This week in England they honored Shakespeare on the 400th anniversary of his death in 1616. Curiously enough wasn’t that also Tim Duncan’s rookie year?
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Although in truth, LaMarcus Aldridge giving post-game interview after #Spurs sweep, said “Tim’s 100 years old, he needs the rest.”
Thinking it’s a really good thing San Antonio won today and has a week off, from games and interviews. Because if any reporter made some comment to Popovich about the #Spurs being happy to see Curry hurt it would be ugly.
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When the Grizzlies were trying to avoid sweep by the Spurs, FedEx Forum had an 18 minute power outage. Usually it isn’t literal to say “Turn out the lights, the party’s over.”
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Congrats to the Charlotte Hornets for their first playoff win since 2002. To put that in perspective, in 2002 Warriors coach Steve Kerr was still playing for the Spurs. Along with Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginoboli….
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#Yankees are featured on Monday, Wednesday and #Sundaynightbaseball this week. Good to know #ESPN is already in midseason form.
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John Kasich says his campaign is vetting possible vice presidential running mates. In related news, the Houston Rockets are looking at possible dates for a NBA championship parade.
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Apparently more than 340,000 people have signed a pledge to boycott Target because the store says it will allow customers to use restrooms and fitting rooms matching their gender identity. But wonder how many more millions are now MORE likely to shop there
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Applebee’s is advertising their “2 for $20” menu featuring a burger quesadilla. The sandwich clocks in at about 1,400 calories and over 100 grams of fat. So it’s a good thing it’s a bargain, you need to save the money for a cardiologist.
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Seriously, so glad that the #Nationals were smart enough to give Dusty Baker another chance. Even if it took Bud Black turning the job down first. Bryce Harper post game today – “To be able to have the opportunity to play for Dusty, that desire and that mentality that he brings every single day to let us just have fun to let us enjoy this game,…”
Donald Trump says “I don’t think I’m going to lose, but if I do, I don’t think you’re ever going to see me again.” Wow. Promise?! #Hillaryjustpickedupalotmoresupporters
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: applebees jokes, baseball jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
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April 25, 2016
Just thinking, if Moses tried to lead his people out of Egypt today how many would have had to be left behind bitching about food allergies?
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Happy 40th Birthday to Tim Duncan. If the Spurs manage to win him one more ring, San Antonio will have the first NBA championship parade to do the entire route with their left blinkers on.
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Mark Cuban today before game 5 made a comment that Kevin Duran was the “one superstar” on the OKC Thunder, but that Russell Westbrook was ” an All-Star but not a superstar.”
Yeah, that worked out well.
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Grade 1 sprain for Steph Curry. Which means that millions of Warriors fans are suddenly going to become amateur knee doctors for the next few weeks.
ESPN reports that the NFL says no player tested positive for drugs during February’s scouting combine. Meaning either that this year’s draft class is clean, or that they were smart enough not to do anything until AFTER the combine.
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Yeah, professional athletes aren’t quite like the rest of us. Sunday’s “Style” section of the SF Chronicle focused on “FashionWarriors,” Golden State players and their post game looks. Andre Iguodola looked sharp in a sweater pants combination with some expensive jewelry but noted “it’s just an old Gucci sweater, a couple of seasons at least.”
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Panthers RB Cameron Artis-Payne was reportedly arrested for driving 102 in a 65 mph zone in rural North Carolina. Hmm, with that kind of speed maybe Artis-Payne should consider a career change to NASCAR..
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A federal appeals court has ruled in favor of the NFL in the “deflategate” case, and reinstated New England Patriots Tom Brady’s original suspension. Your tax dollars at work.
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Donald Trump is now referring to Ohio’s governor as “1 for 38 Kasich,” based on the 1 state Kasich won. Maybe the Donald isn’t really running for President – he’s trying to be “Triumph, the Insult Dog.”
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Megyn Kelly has announced that Donald Trump has agreed to sit down with her for an interview to air next month. Proving once again, that we CAN all get along – especially when rating$$$$$ are involved.
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Another thought on this bathroom craziness. The talk is mostly of men in women’s rooms. But leaving aside the fact that it isn’t always obvious, do all these alarmists want, for example, a big burly transgender with facial hair who was born female forced to use the ladies’ room?
Karma in mean bitch mode again. Some users want to sue Ashley Madison for revealing their personal information. Except a judge has ruled that to go forward with the lawsuit, they must reveal their real names.
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Sam Bradford has now demanded a trade because he figures the Eagles will draft a better QB. Hmm, sounds like the guy might be a perfect fit for the 49ers.
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: curry jokes, duncan jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NFL draft jokes, Passover jokes, Spurs jokes, Thunder jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 22, 2016
#HappyPassover. You know you’re in California when a woman in checkout line is whining about not being able to find gluten-free Matzoh.
Toronto Blue Jays Chris Colabello has been suspended 80 games for PED’s. Uh, considering Colabello was batting .069 this year, it’s hard to see how his performance was enhanced.
In Tennessee, the wife of a high school football coach has been arrested for allegedly sleeping with an underage player. Hmm, did she aspire to be a teacher?
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Commissioner Adam Silver said that a “change in the law” would be necessary for the NBA to keep the 2017 All-Star game in North Carolina. Just wondering, leaving the advertising $$$ out of it, wonder if another factor was players and celebrities not exactly clamoring to spend All-Star week in Charlotte.
Amazing, almost two days of nonstop coverage of the death of #Prince, and no one has yet blamed it on Obama.
When President Obama and Michelle met the Queen and Prince Phillip at Windsor Castle, Philip drove the foursome 400 yards from the helicopter landing pad to the castle itself. Presumably the whole way with his left blinker on?
A Palm Beach zoo is defending itself against some who say they should have fatally shot the tiger who killed a zookeeper instead of tranquilizing it. But come on, the tiger was just standing its ground.
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McDonald’s sales are way up this year after the introduction of all-day breakfast. And I’m sure it’s just coincidence that this coincides with some states legalizing marijuana.
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Who says I never say anything nice about a Dodger? Brandon McCarthy has been in a Twitter argument with Curt Schilling over the bathroom issue, pointing out “What is stopping any pervert from already going into a bathroom not designated for them and doing what they want? Nothing,” And “Curt we’re talking about human beings with emotions and a desire to be accepted in normal society. Lumping them in w/ molesters and abusers is offensive to not only them but to a reasonable argument.” #wellplayed
So while Curt Schilling is going off on the danger of transgenders in women’s bathrooms has he forgotten that the highest profile sports-related (alleged) bathroom sexual assault upon a woman involved Ben Roethlisberger?
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Meanwhile, across the pond, the British Foreign Office is warning gay travelers about the U.S., and “legislation passed recently in North Carolina and Mississippi” “Before traveling please read our general travel advice for the LGBT community. You can find more detail on LGBT issues in the U.S. on the website of the Human Rights Campaign.” #GodBlessMurica #sigh
London Mayor Boris Johnson has gone after President Obama again after Obama wrote an op-ed in the U.K. Telegraph supporting Britain staying in the EU, saying the “part-Kenyan” President had an “ancestral dislike of the British Empire.”
Hmm, maybe Johnson doesn’t want to be Prime Minister, maybe Boris wants to come over here and work for Donald Trump.
Donald Trump’s campaign manager to the RNC “The part that he’s been playing is evolving into the part that now you’ve been expecting, but he wasn’t ready for, because he had first to complete the first phase…”
Right, the “part he’s been playing,” okay, and then the Donald will be out on the campaign trail accusing Hillary of being dishonest.
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Yuck, an asymptomatic pregnant woman in San Francisco who had been to Central America has tested positive for the Zika virus. Now, I would never presume to make this choice for her, but if she chooses to carry the pregnancy to term will the pro-birth crowd be okay with indefinite government funding if the baby is born with microcephaly?
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: england jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, NBA jokes, Passover jokes, prince jokes, Queen Elizabeth jokes, schilling jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
April 13, 2016
Congrats to the Warriors on 73 wins. Klay Thompson was asked yesterday if the team would celebrate with champagne “Absolutely not You’ve got to save that till June, man. I mean, you might have a glass of wine after the game, but that’s about it.”
And the rest of the teams in the Western Conference playoffs are thinking, “Are you kidding, a week-long all-night party would be more appropriate.”
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Open note to #Warriors fans, the wave is for when team sucks & there’s nothing better to do. Or when you’re #Dodgers or #As fans #stayclassy
Kobe Bryant, 20 years with the Lakers. Impressive. Tim Duncan, 19 years with the Spurs – impressive. More impressive, Duncan has structured his contract and play to help his team still be relevant. #thequietfarewelltourkeepsontouring
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Warriors set record for NBA regular season wins. Many casual sports fans thinking “The NBA HAS a regular season?” #only2monthsuntilfinals
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Lots of fanfare for Kobe Bryant’s last game tonight. Probably just as well Bryant doesn’t have an heir apparent on the Lakers – might be too much to expect Kobe to pass anything, let along a torch.
#JakePeavy started off the Giants game like a man who doesn’t want #SF Bay Area fans to have to decide between watching the #SFGiants & #Warriors
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Boston #RedSox placed #PabloSandoval on the #DL with a left shoulder sprain. Possibly caused by too much repetitive motion with a fork?
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#Braves & #Twins play interleague games in July. So one of those teams will actually have to win games this #MLB season.
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Not a good April to be an Braves fan. The team is winless, and for those who say, “cheer up, it could be worse,” Atlanta outfielder Hector Olivera was arrested after a woman at the Ritz Carlton just outside D.C. called 911 to say he had assaulted her. Yeah, it just got worse.
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The Sacramento Kings will apparently fire George Karl as the 33-48 team will miss the playoffs again. Their next coach will be their 10th since 2006-07. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking “Jeez, show a little patience.”
AMC’s CEO said he is considering allow patrons to text during movies. Well, this should help speed up the process of getting EVERYONE to watch movies at home instead of in theaters.
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Harvard’s oldest exclusive club, The Porcellian, which is all-male, said in a statement to the Crimson (student newspaper):
“Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially increase, not decrease the potential for sexual misconduct.”
#Speechless But proving once again, IQ points are no guarantee against #Cantfixstupid
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Volvo has promised “death-proof” cars by 2020. So who needs a hospital when you’re sick – drive around in a Volvo and live forever?
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Apparently the original Santana band is reuniting for the first time since 1973. So after 43 years they’ve either decided to let bygones be bygones…or they can’t remember why they broke up in the first place?
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Ivanka Trump, blaming her inability to vote for her father on the state – “New York has one of the most onerous rules in terms of registration, and it required us to register a long time ago, almost — close to a year ago….(uh, actually you have to declare a party six months in advance.) Looks like the apple doesn’t whine far from the tree.
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Many states’ voting rules seem designed to keep poor and uneducated people from voting. Kudos to New York for bucking the trend by apparently making it harder for rich and lazy people. #Trumps
Congrats to Lynn Swann for getting the USC AD job. So what exactly are Swann’s qualifications though – he was a star Trojan football player and he hasn’t been arrested?
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“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch has been tentatively sentenced to a two-year jail term, although the judge gave Couch’s defense two weeks to make an argument for him to reconsider. Reconsider? As in maybe give him at least four years?-
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 73 jokes, Braves jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, santana jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 12, 2016
Of course it’s only April, but the two Orange & Black teams in #MLB are a combined 14-2. #Orioles #SFGiants
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#BusterPosey might be googling #WallyPipp on his phone about now. #TrevorBrown #SFGiants
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#BruceBochy said before Monday’s #SFGiants #Rockies game he’d like #TrevorBrown to hit a home run in all of his starts. So is #Brown taking him seriously?
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#Dodgers payroll over $253,000,000. Now #MagicJohnson was 1 of greatest ever #NBA players. But did anyone tell him #MLB teams need something called a bullpen?
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Tickets to Kobe Bryant’s last game are going for at least $800. But really, if you just wanted to see Bryant play a meaningless game, for that price you could have probably bought tickets to the Lakers whole home season.
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Headline: “Lindsay Lohan is engaged. ” And most Americans no doubt are thinking “in what?”
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Popular porn site xHamster announced yesterday that when anyone with a North Carolina IP address visits the site, they will be asked if they support the new anti-LGBT law. If they say “yes,” they will be blocked. Now that’s REALLY hitting below the belt.
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John Kasich again last night in an interview said there is “zero” chance he would serve as v.p. “I would be the worst vice president the country ever saw. I’m not a vice president, I’m a president.”
Somewhere Dick Cheney is going “And your point is?”
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Paul Ryan, “Let me be clear: I do not want, nor will I accept the nomination for our party.”
Didn’t he say the same thing about becoming Speaker?
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The NFL has denied Josh Gordon’s petition for reinstatement. Of course, it doesn’t help when you petition AND fail a drug test in the same month.
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Music producer and reality tv star, David Gest, 62, known best to Americans as Liza Minnelli’s ex-husband, was found dead at a London hotel today. He had been preparing to tour with a new show “David Gest Is Not Dead But Alive With Soul.” Guess maybe it wasn’t the best choice of title. #bustohell
Donald Trump is upset about the possibility about losing the GOP nomination despite having the most delegates. “The system, folks, is rigged. It’s a rigged, disgusting, dirty system.”
Now Trump doesn’t really have a problem with a rigged system, he’s just used to being the one doing the rigging.
And btw, who says the Spurs are boring? Though just guessing none of them will get a call anytime soon from #DWTS. https://twitter.com/spurs/status/719925467042582528/photo/1
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, SFGiants jokes, Spurs jokes, Trevor Brown jokes, Trump jokes, xhamsterjokes
Comments: 6 Comments
April 11, 2016
The NCAA reportedly approved a 3-year moratorium on new bowl games. What a disappointment for all those 6-6 teams who just missed last year’s postseason.
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That moment when even #ESPN on #BaseballTonight says “It’s an even year, don’t bet against the #SFGiants. #Hellhasfrozenover
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Jordan Spieth is still the favorite at 7-1 to win the U.S. Open in June, at the Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania. Assume Oakmont doesn’t have any water hazards?
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Even if you’re not a #Warriors fan have to appreciate that their quest for the record has knocked #KobeBryant farewell tour off #ESPN Wed
Urban Meyer is upset with the new NCAA rule deregulating electronic communication with potential recruits, which means coaches can now send unlimited texts to student-athletes. Translation, Urban Meyer doesn’t know how to text..
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Suppose we shouldn’t be shocked but Mr. “Make America Great” again can’t even make his children register to vote correctly? #cantfixstupid #butcanweelectstupid
Monday was #NationalPetDay. And cats are sniffing “EVERY day is National Cat Day.”
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Warriors announcer Bob Fitzgerald wasn’t very happy with Spurs fans waving thundersticks yesterday, calling them “some jerk off fans trying to screw up the telecast.” Well, if Golden State ends up playing back in San Antonio am sure those fans will go out of their way to be welcoming.
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The White House has asked Congress for $1.9 billion to fight Zika, and the CDC is saying “Everything we look at with this virus seems to be a bit scarier than we initially thought,” and that it has been linked to a “to a broader array of birth defects throughout a longer period of pregnancy…”
And the GOP in Congress is now accusing Obama of trying to “politicize” Zika. Right, because heaven forbid the US try to protect fetuses in a way that costs money
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Donald Trump says that John Brennan’s pledge not to waterboard is “ridiculous.” Right, because who knows more about effective interrogation, Trump or the director of the CIA? And who is Trump planning to appoint to the job – Jack Bauer?
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Joe Biden said in an interview that while both Democratic candidates are “totally qualified”, he would “like to see a woman elected.” Maybe especially because it would be easier for Joe to think Hillary was inevitable than to think he could have started late like Sanders and actually won.
Newly released court documents say that Robert Dear Jr., who confessed to killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic, told police he dreamed he’ll be met in Heaven by aborted fetuses wanting to thank him for saving unborn babies. So where are the GOP “pro-lifers” applauding him right here on Earth?
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Tim Spector, a professor at King’s College, London, said that dieting is less about calories, and more about good bacteria. So cheese, chocolate, nuts, and red wine are all smart choices for those trying to control their weight. Well, that calls for opening a bottle!
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, NCAA jokes, SFGiants jokes, spieth jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes, wine jokes, zika jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 10, 2016
Jordan Spieth’s 12th hole today at the #Masters might have been worst the few minutes for top golfer in recent history not involving an Escalade.
#SFGiants are heading to Denver, where rookie Trevor Story has hit 7h home runs in six games. Just guessing Giants’ hitters find this story a lot more fun than their pitching staff.
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So maybe it wasn’t so shocking that #SFGiants came back from a 5-0 deficit in the 1st. But that #Cueto went 7 and was winning pitcher?
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The Mets wear 1986 throwback jerseys today and promptly get beat by the #Phillies. Time to throw the jerseys back?
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Great, now the Warriors season “Running down Bulls record” is “sponsored by American Express. And some wonder why kids get the idea sports is all about money?
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T.J.Ward is the second player on the Denver Broncos to publicly support Johnny Manziel joining the team, saying he would welcome the QB with “open arms.” So this brings up a two-part question – how talented is Manziel and how toxic is Kaepernick?
I know #Yankees rule the #ESPN world, but in April might have been a good weekend to have #Dodgers #Giants be the #Sundaynightbaseball game. (Yankees Tigers were rained out.)
Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians told coaches at a high school clinic that one of football’s biggest problems is “moms.” No joke. Saying our sport is “being attacked. It’s the best game that’s ever been f—ing invented. And we have to make sure that moms get the message, because that’s who’s afraid of our game right now. It’s not dads; it’s moms.”
Right, and the problem isn’t concussions either. Is Arians trying to prove he’s anti-woman enough to join the GOP race for President?
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Much talk now over an interview Laura Bush gave “I want our next president—whoever he or she might be—to be somebody who is interested in women in Afghanistan and who will continue U.S. policies, adding that person should “pay attention to our history, and know what’s happened before and know specifically how we can continue to do the good things that we do around the world.”
Some interpret her words as saying she will vote for Hillary Clinton. But hey, if Trump and Cruz are the GOP choices, say what you want about W., but no one ever accused Laura of being that conservative. Nor bat-sh*t crazy.
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A Politico article asks “Can GOP Elites Really Turn Back the Clock in Cleveland?” Meaning, can they pick a candidate who never entered the primaries. Although would it really be that surprising? Most of the candidates who are and have been in the primaries want to turn the clock back for women to the 19th century.
If elected, how long until Donald Trump outlaws the Boston Globe? 
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, Manziel jokes, Masters jokes, spieth jokes
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April 5, 2016
It’s only 1 game, but right this second #SFGiants not feeling too badly about losing out on Zack #Greinke & having to sign Johnny #Cueto
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Several Patriots fans are now suing the NFL and Roger Goodell over the league’s punishment for the Deflategate scandal. “Right, because that poor franchise never gets a break,” said nobody outside New England.
All the hype on Warriors network about upcoming #GoldenState #SanAntonio matchup Thurs. Right, Pop might even play one of #Spurs starters.
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In the first game of the season, Chase Utley has started another controversy with a slide that some thought was dirty at home plate. Well, if he makes a pattern of it, MLB won’t need a Chase Utley rule, as some pitcher will apply the Drysdale rule and put Utley on the DL.
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At Disneyland Paris, a worker was apparently electrocuted inside the Haunted Mansion ride. So sounds like they’ll have to update the French version of “999 happy haunts, but there’s always room for one more…” #Disneybustohell
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RNC Chairman Reince Priebus is now warning Trump that the Donald made a loyalty pledge to the eventual GOP Presidential nominee. Right, like that’s going to make any difference to the man who three times has said “Until death do us part.”
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Despite watching major backlash in Georgia and North Carolina, Mississippi’s governor Phil Bryant today signed a law allowing businesses to refuse service to gay couples based on employers’ religious beliefs. Maybe because Bryant figured no one from outside the state wants to do business or visit Mississippi anyhow?
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A man was arrested in Atherton, California for vandalism and trespassing after he spray-painted graffiti at various locations around town. Police were able to figure out it was him because the graffiti all included his NAME. #cantfixstupid
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In Alabama, a bipartisan group of legislators is moving to impeach Gov. Robert Bentley over a sex scandal over leaked tapes of his conversations with a female aide. Bentley is maintaining that despite the explicit nature of the tapes, that he never actually committed adultery. So the Governor’s DEFENSE is that he’s another politician who is all talk and no action.
A tale of two approaches to America’s problems. President Obama and the Treasury Dept are proposing tighting regulations on billion dollar corporate tax inversions, and Trump is going to build a wall by stopping poor illegals from sending some of their low wages back to Mexico.
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There’s a fair amount of media attention being paid to Bernie Sanders’ recent interview with the NY Daily News, during which he dodged questions, gave a lot of vague answers, and acted generally rather unaware. Well, maybe it’s all part of Bernie’s plan to go after Trump voters.
From Alex Kaseberg “North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Un, has reportedly ballooned to over 300 pounds. He may have to change his name to Kim Jong-Christie.
(I’m thinking, or maybe Kim Jong-Un’s goal is to play third base for the Red Sox?)
Categories: football jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, baseball jokes, Giants jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, sanders jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 7, 2016
Peyton Manning apparently will announce his retirement Monday. Presumably from outside a Papa John’s store with a case of Budweiser?
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Forget Megyn Kelly. If we really want to make the men behave could Lady Mary or Dowager Countess moderate next #GOPDebate? #DowntonAbbey
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Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are. promising an issue-filled debate tonight. And millions of Americans are thinking “where’s the fun in that
#Bernie and #Hillary actually got a little contentious in tonight’s debate. GOP watchers were thinking “Wimps, where are the real insults, where are the d*ck jokes?”
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Bernie Sanders’ best line of the debate was talking about increasing mental health funding “and if you saw last week’s GOP debate, you know we need it.”
So when #JustinTrudeau gets done with being Canada’s Prime Minister can we borrow him?
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Love at 1st sight or at least 1st inning for #SFGiants fans: Jeff Samardzija strikes out Crawford, Pederson and Puig
Was at a party this afternoon and afterwards checked online to see how by much the #Warriors beat the #Lakers and #WTF?
Today, was actually the first time an NBA team wore equipment to honor a live and active player, the Lakers wore special socks Bryant-themed socks with No. 2 on the right sock and No. 4 on the left.
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Somewhere the Yankees and Derek Jeter are going “why didn’t we think of something like that”?
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Reports are that Gregg #Popovich is looking into ordering a really big box of #KobeBryant socks #Warriors #Spurs #NBAplayoffs
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RIP Nancy Reagan. Wonder if it was all these candidates hijacking her husband’s party that killed her. #whoknewReaganwouldlookmoderate?
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Increasingly looking like the real #Florida joke is #MarcoRubio #GOPPrimary
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Give #Trump credit, his promises may be empty where most of the country is concerned. But he sure has helped make #SNL great again.
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United’s CEO Oscar Munoz is returning to work after an October heart attack and surgery – a medical leave of five months. Curiously enough, that’s about the same amount of time the airline thinks is reasonable to find your luggage.
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John Kasich has fired his campaign’s deputy digital director Blake Waggoner after it was reported he was arrested in Nov. 2015 after a woman accused him of choking her and punching her in the back. Sounds like the only adult in the GOP room hasn’t been paying enough attention to what his kids were doing.
Caityn Jenner, complaining about Hillary Clinton: “She couldn’t care less about women. She cares about herself.” So did Jenner make the comments while she was volunteering at something? No, on her reality show “I am Cait.”
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg – “Astronaut Scott Kelley returned after a year in space to find Madonna on tour, a Clinton running for president and the police testing OJ Simpson’s knife and he said;
“Stop screwing around. What year is it really?”
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Categories: debate jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Peyton Manning jokes, sanders jokes, Warriors jokes
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February 27, 2016
The NFL is apparently looking into shortening the preseason to three games. Well, that would only be about two games too long.
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The University of Tennessee has offered football scholarships to 20 students from IMG Academy, a Florida boarding school. So what does this academy do to have their athletes so prepared for college – offer all fake classes?
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The ACC says it will not suspend Duke star guard Grayson Allen for tripping an FSU player yesterday, the second time Allen was seen apparently deliberately tipping an opponent. No reason given but it should be obvious – he’s from Duke.
A 20 year old woman in England has been hospitalized with Toxic Shock Syndrome after forgetting to remove a tampon for nine days. Okay, sounds horrible, but that’s not Toxic Shock Syndrome, that’s Toxic Stupid Syndrome.
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#DonaldTrump and #ChrisChristie together – Talk about a bully pulpit.
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If it’s a Trump-Christie ticket on the GOP side, will our proposed new U.S. slogan be “carry a big stick and shout at the top of your lungs.
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Chris Christie is certainly Machiavellian enough…. any chance he endorsed #Trump in hopes of a cabinet position offer from Hillary?
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Chris Christie “There is no better fighter than Donald Trump. So did the N.J. Governor think he was endorsing Trump for the Presidency of the WBC?
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One of Donald Trump’s latest tweets “Wow. Every poll said I won the debate last night. Great honer.” Wonder if the Donald’s spell checker is from Oaklahoma?
(my friend Christopher Green says, well, the B and the H are close together on the keyboard, maybe his hand slipped.)
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This quote from Lindsey Graham has gone viral recently. “If you kill Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody could convict you.” Hmm, maybe that’s who Trump was talking about shooting on Fifth Avenue.
#LindseyGraham says the #GOP has gone “batshit” crazy. Prompting calls for an apology. From bats.
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Tax experts say it’s unlikely that Donald Trump has really been audited personally 12 years in a row, but that he’s likely referring to himself and the companies he owns or owns part of. So I get it, when it comes to audits, Trump and his companies are the same thing. When it’s bankruptcies…..
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Bernie Sanders may not do big fancy fundraisers, but his campaign sends more emails than a flock of Nigerian princes. At least two-three a day… and I never signed up to support him.
Well, just in case you had a bright idea to beat traffic to Chavez Ravine: this tweet from Andy McCullough at the LA TImes “The Dodgers have told Yasiel Puig he can not, theoretically, fly a helicopter to Dodger Stadium. Federal law prohibits it, the FAA says.”
Guess we need to standby for another year of Puigy being Puigy.
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Christ Christie jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, primary jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 25, 2016
Major League Baseball has changed the rules this year to say runners must make a “bona fide” slide at second base. Chase Utley’s response – “It will definitely help keep guys healthy for sure.” Well, if Utley starts obeying the rule it will certainly keep opposing pitchers from throwing at his head….
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#MLB will limit mound visits this year to 30 seconds. Well how will players be able to decide on good wedding gifts? #Candlesticks
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Dexter Fowler, who turned down a 1-year $15.8 million qualifying offer with the Cubs, just ended up signing to return to Chicago for $8 million. And then I presume Fowler fired his agent.
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ESPN has named Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels as the worst in MLB for 2016. Hmm, is this a challenge for Pablo Sandoval?
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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen published a cookbook (what, super models eat?) that included a picture of her dog wearing a collar with Teigen’s personal cellphone number on it. So Chrissy had to change her number.
Well, that ought to do wonders to dispel the image of dumb blondes.
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Spelling, another commie-pinko liberal concept: 
One good thing about tonight’s #GOPDebate, easy to listen from the kitchen while cooking dinner without turning up the sound. #nonstopshouting
The latest GOP debate knocked the latest mass shootings, in Kansas, right out of the top headline. Once again, just imagine the ratings these debates would get #ifonlytheywerearmed
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Carnival Cruise Lines is now selling a prepaid drink package that includes wine and spirits up to $50 per serving. With all due respect, if you drink stuff that is that high-end, just guessing you won’t be on Carnival.
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Emily Maynard won “the Bachelor,” and then after breaking up with the guy, became “the Bachelorette” got engaged again and broke up with him too. Now married to someone she didn’t meet on TV, Maynard has written a book “I said Yes”, because she thinks God “gave me the platform to help grow his kingdom.”
And God is thinking “What, it’s not enough that I’m getting blamed for Ted Cruz….”
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Former Mexico President Vincente Fox on Trump’s plans: “I declare, I’m not going to pay for that f—–g wall.” Well, if the Donald is elected, how long before Canadian PM Justin Trudeau decides they’ll pay for a wall to keep Americans out?
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In response to protests from anti-abortion activists Lands’ End has pulled an interview with Gloria Steinem from their website – the feature wasn’t about abortion, but was rather part of a series on “individuals who have made a difference in both their respective industries and the world at large.”
Well, there’s one company to take permanently off my shopping list.
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Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelor jokes, baseball jokes, Cruz jokes, Cubs jokes, GOP debate jokes, Janice Hough, lands end jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 25, 2016
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New Cleveland coach Hue Jackson says the Browns are “going to take a stand’ with Johnny Manziel. Right. Of course their previous stands have worked about as well as Custer’s last one.
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President Obama has nominated Carla Hayden as the Librarian of Congress. The GOP would announce plans for an immediate filibuster once they get over the shock of finding Congress HAS a library.
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Kanye West is now threatening to boycott next years Grammy Awards. All together now – “Promise???!!!”
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Donald Trump, “I love the poorly educated.” Or as he also refers to them “My base.”
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Marco Rubio today ” You don’t win the nomination by how many states you win.” Clearly another Republican who thinks math is one of those commie pinko liberal concepts.
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Marco Rubio keeps declaring victory with these second place finishes. In related news, the Minnesota Vikings are going to put up Super Bowl banners.
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Responding to social media rumors of a setback in his recovery, Tiger Woods says he is “progressing nicely.” Isn’t that what Jeb Bush said last week about his campaign?
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Rumors have it that Obama is considering Nevada’s GOP governor Brian Sandoval to succeed Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. If true, a reminder that whatever you think of this President, you don’t want to play chess with him.
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Got to love the fact that the man leading for the Presidential “family values” party has had numerous affairs and three wives. #Trump
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Two British members of parliament have sent a letter to the NFL as they are upset about the Redskins name, and saying it directly contravenes the values that many in Britain have worked so hard to instill.” They ask “at a minimum, send a different team to our country to represent the sport, one that does not promote a racial slur.”
So are the MPs really taking a high road here? Or do they want the NFL not to send over another sucky football team?
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It took “about $100,000” in legal fees, but Bristol Palin’s first baby daddy Levi Johnston finally won shared custody of their son Tripp. Because of course all children are better off with a mommy and daddy unless you don’t want to see the guy again. #familyvaluesmyass
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As of today British Airways will no longer accept bookings for unaccompanied minors, children under 12. Guess they got tired of dealing with badly behaved kids. Now if they can just figure out a way not to allow bookings for badly behaved adults
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Really, Facebook? With all the complications in the world these days you have to change the “like” buttons without warning? Life is so confusing.
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Wow. The latest out of the University of Tennessee is that football coach Butch Jones told WR Drae Bowles, who later transferred, that he was a “traitor” who “betrayed the team” for helping a woman who said she had been sexually assaulted by teammates.
#MamadontletyourbabiesgrowuptobeVolunteers
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And for those who commented on me doing this every day. Blame Scott Ostler. A SF Chronicle columnist and friend, he kept encouraging me to do this. And when I said I couldn’t come up with jokes every day, he said, “nah, you’re funny, just give yourself a deadline and you’ll come up with stuff.” I curse him under my breath regularly. But he was right about the self-imposed deadlines. And on good days, some of the “stuff ” is actually funny. 🙂
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, kanye jokes, Obama jokes, Rubio jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 13, 2016
The NFL is moving back to Los Angeles. So will LA Rams football fans who are also Dodgers fans arrive in 2nd quarter & leave in 3rd?
United Airlines has sent an email to frequent fliers, excitedly touting their new free snack in domestic economy class. Either a half ounce package of savory mix or a stroopwafel (dutch caramel) cookie. Is the airline trying to induce “Stockholm Syndrome?”
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Hue Jackson has apparently decided to become the head coach at Cleveland. Just how bad has the 49ers franchise become that the Browns look like a better option?
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So the going rate for a new NFL stadium seems to be about a billion dollars. Does this mean tonight’s Powerball winner can if they want have the Raiders?
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Missouri has vacated their men’s college basketball wins from the 2013-14 and will not be eligible for this year’s postseason due to “major violations.” Meanwhile, Frank Haith, who coached during most of the violations, is happily coaching at an unsanctioned (for now) Tulsa. Ain’t NCAA justice grand?
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The search for MH370 in the Indian Ocean has turned up an 19th century shipwreck. And CNN is asking hopefully “Was it a cruise ship?”
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Iran has freed 10 U.S.sailors they detained for straying into their waters. Many in the GOP are furious. The sailors weren’t even held long enough for them to blame Obama.
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Former NFL RB Lawrence Phillips was found dead in his California prison cell early Wednesday, a suspected suicide. Not my better angels here but – “What a shame,” said nobody.
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Chris Christie has not only become anti-choice, he now denies ever making Planned Parenthood donations. Except this is the 1994 quote, from his pro-choice days. “I support Planned Parenthood privately with my personal contribution and that should be the goal of any such agency, to find private donations.”
Uh, Christie can’t just say “I have become pro-life and as such I realized I can’t support them anymore?” #cantfixstupid
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The angry reaction from some Republicans on Nikki Haley’s speech doesn’t illustrate the difference between the conservative and moderate wings of the GOP: it illustrates the difference between the conservative and bat-shit crazy wings of the GOP.
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Bus to hell time – One of the men occupying that Oregon Wildlife refuge is unhappy that some responding to their call for supplies have been sending dildos. So what’s the problem, the occupiers also want K-Y jelly?
-reader Bill asks “Just wondering? Do you think we could find Jimmy Hoffa if Rolling Stone could set up an interview with Sean Penn?”
(i wonder, maybe Penn could have helped us save a lot of money finding Bin Laden)
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Powerball jokes, Raiders jokes, Rams jokes, SOTU jokes, The angry reaction from some Republicans on Nikki Haley's speech doesn't illustrate the difference between the conservative and moderate wings of the GOP: it illustrates the difference between the con
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January 12, 2016
Best thing about the College Football Playoff. Now that the game is over, we know it’s not much more than a month until #MLB spring training starts.
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Tonight was really as it turned out, the Southern U.S. Football Championship. A week and a half after the big bowls. So did anyone outside the South who doesn’t have money on the game really care?
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The real winners of last night’s Golden Globes hosted by Ricky Gervais? Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, who can now REALLY name their own price.
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Amazing how many stayed in TCF Bank Stadium to bitter end of #Vikings game. Though most fans may have been frozen to seats. #SEAvsMIN
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Johnny Manziel now seems to have disappeared and not even the Browns know where he is. Even Lindsay Lohan is beginning to think this guy needs help.
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Monday on the New York City subway is #NoPantsDay. Which means Tuesday on the subway is #BringHandiWipesDay
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ESPN reported that several Denver Broncos players said today that while they are angry at Steelers’ center Cody Wallace for what they perceive as a dirty hit last month, they wouldn’t hurt the team with an ill-timed penalty.
Uh, who goes into any game saying they plan to lose the game over an ill-timed penalty?
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Adam Jones, still upset over the end of the Steelers-Bengals game and his personal foul penalty, claims that Antonio Brown flopped, and today said “He deserved a Grammy Award for that. I know if you just got knocked out you ain’t going to be able to wink and tell me you’re OK.”
A Grammy? Sounds like Pacman’s awareness of pop culture is at about the same level as his self control.
The SF 49ers have been granted permission to speak to former NY Giants coach Tom Coughlin, 70. Makes sense. Coughlin can sign a 4 year contract, and then working under Jed York and Trent Baalke, retire when he gets fired at 71.
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When sitting on hold for a long time to make a reservation, always wish just once that instead of saying, “Due to the high demand…”, companies would just be honest: “Due to the fact we don’t want to pay enough people to answer the phones….
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Donald Trump is bragging how he got the Manchester Union Leader removed as a sponsor of the next GOP debate. So apparently while he and other candidates are focusing on the 2nd amendment, it’s okay to trample on the first?
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Laissez les bonne temps roulez – Bobby Jindal is no longer governor of Louisiana.
Now what? At least since his campaign collapsing early Jindal has a good chance to be hired as a media pundit explaining why several other candidates have no chance.
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A Conn. rookie police officer has resigned and been charged with 1st degree larceny after saying he needed time off with pay for U.S.Army Reserves duty in December, when he was actually going to Hawaii with his girlfriend.
So he’s a cop, and a young man, and in this social media age he still figured there was no chance he’d get caught…. #cantfixstupid Your move, Florida.
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And seriously, R.I.P. David Bowie. How many musicians manage to be relevant across the generations? Give the man credit. Not only did he change music in many ways, Bowie also, in a 24-7 internet celebrity-focused age, managed to fight a long battle with terminal cancer without the tabloids and various other media picking up on or publicizing it. Godspeed, Major Tom.
Categories: football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Bengals jokes, golden globes jokes, Janice Hough, playoff jokes, Vikings jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 10, 2016
Amazing. The same people who suddenly become experts on “triple axels” after watching two days of figure skating in the Olympics now are experts on where the laces should be on a field goal kick.
Donald Trump’s latest: NFL referees throw flags to impress their wives watching at home. ‘It (football) has become soft, and our country has become soft.'”
Remember those Furbys – were electronic pets that came up with all kinds of randomly correlated nonsense? Beginning to seem like one of them is running for President.
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After this weekend, four NFL teams likely never to watch “Wizard of Oz” again – “There’s no place like home, my ass.” #WildCardWeekend
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The temperature was well below zero for Sunday’s #SEAvsMIN game. Might have been almost as cold as White House family dinners after Hillary found out Monica was telling the truth.
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So who will be the first #GOP candidate to blame today’s Washington game on Obama? #GBvsWAS
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The 49ers reportedly may hire Bengals offensive coordinator Hue Jackson as their new coach. Well, after yesterday’s Cincinnati meltdown, SF probably looks like less of a train wreck by comparison.
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Watching the political craziness now thinking that had only the Stanford band decided to mock the Iowa caucuses instead of farmers, they’d be getting near universal applause.
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Carly Fiorina missed yesterday’s GOP forum supposedly due to “travel issues.” Hmm. Maybe Carly missed a flight while trying hard to figure out which Wild Card NFL team came from the state with the earliest primary, so she could say even though she lives in California she was rooting for them?
Awful miss for Blair Walsh on what would have been his fourth field goal of the night, which would have probably won the game for the Vikings. But okay, four field goal attempts?! If Minnesota’s offense gets the ball into the end zone ONCE that kick is unnecessary. #plentyofblametogoaround
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Donald Trump today said he takes being compared to P.T.Barnum as a compliment. And indeed, the Donald isn’t aiming to “fool all of the people all of the time”, just over 50% or a plurality in the election.
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Donald Trump is ramping up his birther attacks now on Ted Cruz. Once again, the Donald should be careful, seems pretty unlikely that furry thing that lives on his head was born in the U.S.
The President of Volkswagen said “We are not a criminal brand.” A criminal brand, no, a band of criminals, maybe.
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Bus to hell time. So a personal foul made the difference in setting up the Steelers’ game winning field goal. Any other women find it ironic that alleged rapist wins a playoff game because another man was penalized for a stupid brutal act? #PITvsCIN
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, laces out jokes, Minnesota jokes, playoff jokes, Trump jokes, wild card jokes
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January 9, 2016
“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has now made Harrison Ford the highest-grossing actor in US box office history. Of course, the way this franchise is going, #2 might be the guy who plays Chewbacca.
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Florida congressman Alan Grayson says he will sue over Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s eligibility to be President if Cruz wins the GOP presidential nomination. And somewhere in D.C.Barack Obama is just giggling.
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Justin Bieber was kicked out of the archaeological site, Tulum, after he reportedly showed up with beer cans, tried to climb off-limits ruins, and took a selfie with his underpants down. Following upon the antics of Ethan Couch, Mexico’s going to start thinking seriously about that border fence. #affluenza
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The “Affluenza” teen’s mom Tonya Couch has according to a Texas sheriff, “expressed a slight displeasure about her accommodations” in jail. “I feel so sorry for her,” said absolutely, positively, nobody.
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Texas Governor Greg Abbott now wants to amend the U.S. Constitution so that states can ignore the Federal government. Fine, does that also mean the Feds are off the hook for those states’ disaster relief?
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Prolia, a drug to fight osteoporosis in post-menopausal women, does television commercials with the usual laundry-list of fine print warnings. Including this one – “do not take Prolia if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant.” #whythereisnosatire
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The stock market just had its worst week ever to start a year. But the jobs report said the U.S. added 2.65 million jobs in 2015, its 2nd best year since 1999. So I think I’ve figured it out: The former is all Obama’s fault, the latter had nothing to do with him
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A man who ate nothing but Chipotle for 186 days says he has cut back to occasional meals there now. Who knew, these days McDonald’s seems like the healthy option?
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Chris Christie, who in 1995 campaigned for NJ State Senate as a supporter of an assault weapons ban. Now he says he’s “changed his mind.”
You know, I’d believe these folks a little more if they ever changed their minds in a way that didn’t put them more in line with their party’s base.
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DeSean Jackson on the Eagles’ firing coach Chip Kelly: “I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you.” And so will Ms. Karma make sure Kelly ends up with the 49ers next?
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As of Jan 1, licensed gun owners in Texas can now openly carry guns into state mental hospitals. Your move, Florida. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong
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#ElChapo has been caught again in Mexico. Too soon to start a pool on the date of his next jail break?
But really, so they are putting El Chapo back into the exact last jail he escaped from? Even in Florida they are saying “Are you nuts?”
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Maine Governor Paul LePage, ranting about Maine’s drug problem and blaming traffickers: “These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty … they come from Connecticut and NY, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home ..half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.”
Wow., that’s offensive enough you have to wonder if LePage has dreams of being Trump’s running mate.
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: affluenza jokes, Bieber jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Star Wars jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
January 7, 2016
The Minnesota Vikings are warning their fans that temperatures are expected to hit a high of 1 degree on Sunday. And Green Bay fans are thinking “1 degree? We could wear shorts.”
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Lots of expert predictions on this weekend’s NFL playoff games. And we should listen to all those experts because they all predicted the hosts for these games would be Houston, Cincinnati, Minnesota and Washington?!
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So now Johnny Manziel has been cited for driving with expired license plates. Even JaMarcus Russelll is saying “Dude, get it together.”.
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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers fired Lovie Smith, who was their third coach in five years. Somewhere even George Steinbrenner is thinking, “Jeez, show a little patience.”
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Missed the #Powerball numbers last night by six. And I didn’t even play.
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The next Powerball lottery jackpot will approach $700 million, resulting in turn millions of new players. Because $400 million just doesn’t buy what it used to?
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House Speaker Paul Ryan on what the GOP needs to do to win: “We have to show people what our principles are and how we apply those principles to the problems of the day to offer people real solutions”
And most of the Presidential candidates are going “Principles?”
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One big problem faced by the the #SF49ers in their coaching search – any coach who is smart enough for the job, is probably also smart enough not to take it. #trainwreck
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Since their spring semester has started, Clemson asked for and got an NCAA waiver from a rule today which prevents “in-session” schools from practicing or holding team meetings for more than four hours per day or 20 hours per week. The school said players will miss class “only with professor approval.” And of course if any professor denies approval it would only be a coincidence if that professor is denied tenure.
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A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. #andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting?
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A man handed a Bradenton hospital employee a wrapped burrito he said was for a patient. The employee checked and found that inside the burrito was a syringe of heroin. Back on your game, Florida. #andyouthoughtguacamolewasaddicting
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House Speaker Paul Ryan said that Obama’s executive actions on guns were “a distraction” and that the President should be focused on fighting terrorism. But hey now, that 62nd repeal attempt for Obamacare, THAT was important.
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Interesting that #JohnMcCain stated strongly that #BarackObama was an American but he’s not so sure about #TedCruz
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Hillary Clinton, asked this week about extra-terrestrials, said “I think we may have been visited already” by aliens. “We don’t know for sure.” Heck, for all we know, one or two of them may be running for President.
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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “Ken Griffey, Jr. was voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. On his way to the podium, he pulled a hamstring and was placed on the disabled list.”
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Manziel jokes, Minnesota jokes, NFL jokes, playoffs jokes, Powerball jokes, Trump jokes, Vikings jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 