Archive for the ‘football jokes’ category

Mistakes were made.

December 11, 2017

Giancarlo Stanton sounds positively giddy about leaving #Marlins for #Yankees. And of course NY fans & media will be so supportive if he has anything less than an MVP year.

 

NFL warned teams today it will begin “significant discipline” to anyone engaging in offensive conduct or contact against game officials.”
What about discipline for offensive officiating?

On a non-political note, three of the nicest words for Tuesday are “Kawhi Leonard ‘probable.”” #GoSpursGo @Spurs

According to Hank Schulman Stanton has been spending “Octobers in Europe unable to really watch the playoffs because it just kills him.”
Save this post if Yankees miss 2018 Postseason

Derek Jeter, on Stanton trade “No, there isn’t anything I would do differently.” Has someone checked former Yankees’ captain for concussions?

 

Maybe they don’t have Louis Vuitton stores in Lithuania?

Now it’s #CarsonWentz who is out for the season. With three weeks to go how many stars will be left for the @NFL playoffs?

Oops. Neither Bangladesh nor Brooklyn were on Trump’s travel ban list.#PortAuthority

#PortAuthority suspect said he made his bomb at work. And some people feel guilty about wasting employer time by with games or online shopping.

Dept of Education under Betsy Devos has stopped cancelling student loan debt for those defrauded by failed for-profit schools. Because how could they acknowledge it might have been a major mistake to attend Trump University?

Just imagine if when @BarackObama went to Hawaii for vacation he stayed at resort owned by his family & made a profit off trip. GOP heads would have exploded.

If you’re really “pro-life” it seems like a no-brainer to vote for man who successfully prosecuted murderers of four little girls. @GDouglasJones

 

December bringing different man or men every day accused of sexual harassment. This is becoming like a very twisted advent calendar.

It”s only Monday & this week #RyanLizza#MarioBatali…. Beginning to think it’s a bad idea to put men in positions of power.

Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to respond that he doesn’t get what all #KaylaMoore fuss is about “I have a Jew son-in-law.”

 

Just wondering, how many people have attorneys (plural) and KNOW what religion they all are? #KaylaMoore #NoMoore

Considering #KaylaMoore‘s “Jew” lawyer comment & his friend talking about child brothels, I understand why #RoyMoore tried to lie low weekend before election.

Crickets on #PortAuthority from @realDonaldTrump If alleged wannabe terrorist had been from country on his travel ban he’d have tweeted within 30 seconds.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says on Trump sexual assault allegations “American people knew this & voted for him,”   So WTF was Donald Trump doing going after Bill Clinton 20+ years later after his election?

Trump attacks @NYTimes for saying he watches 4-8 hours of TV a day. Maybe he means he really watches 8-12 hours….

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Roll tide?

December 7, 2017

Open note to the good people of Alabama. Hard for me to say this, but vote in Doug Jones & I will actually root for Nick Saban & Crimson Tide. Once anyway. #Priorities

Rafael Palmeiro, 53, says he is contemplating a return to MLB. Uh oh, nobody tell Jamie Moyer.

Roger Goodell has signed a $200 million contract to remain NFL commissioner. Yeah, that man really needs a tax cut.

Cowboys to debut new uniforms this weekend. Unfortunately for Dallas fans they will still have same old Cowboys in them.

Former gymnasts & their parents pushing for maximum sentence for ex-Team USA doctor Larry Nassar. And indeed it’s a risk. If he ever gets out of prison he could run for office as a Republican.

If San Antonio Spurs could just add one good player, they could be a great team this year. @kawhileonard @Spurs

Pfizer is introducing a generic Viagra for “only” about $32 a pill. That’s still a stiff price.

GOP House just approved bill to allow gun owners to carry concealed weapons across state lines. But we’re still out of luck with marijuana gummies.

So for safety reasons Nikki Haley indicates we might not send US athletes to #WinterOlympics2018 in Korea. Even more encouragement for Kim Jong Un to try his missiles to US mainland?

Maybe Russia and the US can have their own games, where all the medals go to Putin and Trump.

Think we could get bipartisan agreement on a special place in hell for those who run red lights at left turn and get stuck in intersection so people going straight can’t go on green.

Now it appears #RoyMoore was dating his wife while she was still married. Wonder how “Christian” bakers feel now about THAT wedding cake?

 

A Delta flight from JFK to Seattle, which is over 6 hours, had all toilets malfunction and had to make a bathroom break stop for passengers in Billings. At Spirit Airlines they’d have probably passed around paper cups for $5.

San Francisco central subway reportedly is falling further behind schedule. Construction started in 2011, supposed to open in 2018, city says 2019, and main contractor now estimates 2021.
If we’re doing a pool, dibs on 2025.
If Senator Franken steps down tomorrow to do the “right thing” can he also call on GOP colleagues and President to do the same?
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While we move forward against sexual predators in politics, remember, past allegations matter. But can we focus on those currently in office? JFK & Ted are dead, Bill & H.W aren’t running again….

WH said Trump slurred words at end of speech today because he had “a dry throat.” Right. And Hillary wasn’t healthy enough to be President. #sarcasm

Trevor Noah on The Daily Show reminds us Donald Trump is very sensitive about his appearance & so we should absolutely not tweet or post things about  #DentureDonald

 

One of worst things about all sexual harassment stories coming out is that no matter who you are, someone you’ve admired will be or has been caught. Beginning to think men have real self-control issues.

Democrats calling for resignation of one of their most popular Senators. GOP putting more $$$ into campaign of man who wasn’t fit to serve BEFORE sexual allegations. Still think there’s no difference between parties?

Any given Monday

November 28, 2017

Tonight would have been rough night for any SF 49ers fans who said, “Hell, time to see a good team” and splurged on Warriors tickets.

(For non-NBA fans, Golden State lost to the Sacramento Kings, at home. The Kings had exactly one road win out of 10 before tonight.)

Tony Parker returned to the court tonight to an ovation from Spurs fans.  Wonder if Vince Carter also sent him a text  – “Welcome back young man.”

Congratulations to the Toronto Argonauts, winners of the CFL.  Few sports fans think the Argos could actually compete with NFL teams.  Though they might be 2 touchdown favorites against the Browns.

Blake Griffin was injured in tonight’s game against the Lakers and might be out for a while.  Rough news for Clippers fans but congrats to all those who had Nov 27 in the pool.

#MeghanMarkle completely taking internet spotlight away from Trump today. Don’t RT, this might upset him. (Did I mention she’s half-black?)

 

Can’t wait to see tweets from Trump when Prince Harry & Meghan send their wedding invitations – including the Obamas and not him.

President of US just tweeted that Fox is country’s only real news. For those who always wanted to know what life was like in an authoritarian banana republic.

 

A Wisconsin man was jailed after being accused of leading police on 125 mph car chase. He said he was late for work & feared losing his job. Your move, Florida.

Trump used occasion honoring Navajos to make racial slur against Elizabeth Warren. Thank heaven there’s no chance Redskins will win Super Bowl.

Trump’s pretended his heritage is Swedish when it’s actually German. Should we start referring to him as “Prince Hans?” #Frozen

Native Americans say Pocahontas is a racial slur. Waiting for Trump tweet saying #FakeIndians

If Washington Post had fallen for Project Veritas sting, not only would GOP have dismissed Roy Moore accusers but also they’d say all #MeToo women are liars. Except those who accused Democrats.

Geography, what a concept.

November 26, 2017

Who knew USF vs USF  might be best college football game of the year?  Seriously.

But okay, University of Central Florida (formerly FTU), in Orlando, check. University of South Florida in Tampa.  90 miles West of Orlando. About 200 miles NORTH of Miami.

And Golden Knights coach Scott Frost, who took the team from 0-12 to 12-0 in two years, might just be more in demand than a discounted iPhone X.

So maybe UCF really IS the best college football team in Florida. #MIAvsPITT

How did this year’s Pitt team lose 7 games, or maybe more accurately, how did Miami win 7?

Oscar Pistorius’ prison sentence more than doubled to over 13 years. “I feel so sorry for him.” said nobody.

Carnival Cruise Line is opening a Victoria’s Secret shop on newest ship. Is this Carnival’s way of discouraging passengers from eating very much at their buffets?

 

Las Vegas marijuana dispensaries apparently had Black Friday sales. Wonder how many customers will show up Saturday?’

Wonder if next year there will be an app to delete every marketing email that references #BlackFriday from your inbox?

Donald Trump still attacking @NFL. You’d almost think he had a petty grudge over having not been able to buy a team or something.

 

If Roy Moore loses his Senate race will he still have time to get a last minute job as a mall Santa?

Trump wants to change welfare because “people are taking advantage of the system.” He said this on a taxpayer funded weekend at one of his own resorts

 

Trump tweet Friday evening  –  “Time Magazine called to say that I was PROBABLY going to be named “Man (Person) of the Year,” like last year, but I would have to agree to an interview and a major photo shoot. I said probably is no good and took a pass. Thanks anyway!”

What about “Person of the Year” for the American Psychiatric Association? And his own personal DSM page….

 

Time’s twitter response – “The President is incorrect about how we choose Person of the Year. TIME does not comment on our choice until publication, which is December 6.”
They had me at “The President is incorrect.”

The price they pay.

November 17, 2017

House tax bill would not allow fans who make mandatory  “donations” to universities for the right to buy expensive college football or basketball tickets to deduct those donations as charity.

Just guessing they’re not hyping this part of the bill in red states.

No Kawhi Leonard, no Tony Parker, 23 point deficit to OKC, and Spurs win.  Just possible Popovich is a very good coach.

Now Jameis Winston accused of groping a female Uber driver. Buccaneers wishing he had stuck to grabbing crab legs?

Gymnast do take hard falls. Has anyone checked #GabbyDouglas for concussions?

Battle between Jerry Jones and Roger Goodell may turn out to be more riveting than 90% of NFL games this season.

Sad when it’s come to seeing #JesseJackson trending & you’re almost relieved it’s “only” Parkinson’s disease – not him dying or being accused of sexual assault.

So after Trump pardons Thanksgiving turkey will he then ship it to Mar-a-Lago to be secretly cooked & sold to guests at $100 a plate?

Saying Mike Pence’s policy of never being alone with another woman makes sense is like saying people should never go to museums w/ famous works of art because it’s too hard to look and not touch.

Trump tweet “Put big game trophy decision on hold until such time as I review all conservation facts. Under study for years. Will update soon with Secretary Zinke. Thank you!”

Who knew that some in the party that doesn’t give a damn about poor children and immigrants have a soft spot for elephants?

Trump “unexpectedly” released list of 5 conservatives he might appoint to Supreme Court. Bribe for when more sexual assault accusations come out?

Kayla Moore says President owes them thank you for taking “focus off Russia.” Except Trump might not be happy – Moore story also takes focus off Trump.

Guess no one told @realDonaldTrump, that a- it’s “FrankenSTEIN,” and b- Frankenstein was the doctor. Monster he created had no name.

Amazing GOP contortions to convince themselves that any woman who accuses a Republican is an angry liar & anyone who accuses a Dem a wronged saint.

 

Sarah Huckabee Sanders – “Difference between Franken and Trump is that Franken has admitted wrongdoing.” Right, adults do that.

 

So with Sarah Huckabee Sanders logic, any man who denies sexual harassment or abuse is innocent.   I missed her exoneration of Bill Clinton.

Trump says Al Franken “really bad.” Because he groped a woman’s breast instead of grabbing her by the pussy?

That moment when you think a zygote is worthy of protection but a teenage girl is not. #KaylaMoore #RoyMoore

Not so big ballers.

November 15, 2017

No way was China putting American basketball players in jail for 10 years. If NBA pulled their shoe factories would put tens of thousands of Chinese children out of work.

 

UCLA coach Steve Alford suspended 3 players caught shoplifting, they “will use this time to focus on their academics.” Players thinking-“what are academics?”

Without the three suspended players UCLA did pull out a win. In overtime. Against Central Arkansas.  So will the suspension be two or three games?

 

Hal Steinbrenner said he would have still fired Joe Girardi had Yankees won World Series. Even George would have thought that a bit harsh.

Ezekiel Elliott has withdrawn appeal & will serve his suspension. Which coincidentally will get him back just in time for playoffs. #Cowboys

Wouldn’t it be nice if the good citizens of Alabama surprise us and give #DougJones a resounding victory on Dec. 12?

In Tulsa a 26-year-old Democrat upset an incumbent GOP State Senator. Did I mention she is a woman.  Who is lesbian. Who has an African-American wife…. Oklahoma fabulously OK.

 

Trump  – America’s “‘standing’ has never been stronger than it is right now.” To quote Princess Bride, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Whole Foods/Amazon announced they’re lowering Thanksgiving prices. So this year you can finance your turkey without taking out a 2nd mortgage.

Charles Manson reportedly in “grave condition.” What a shame said absolutely, positively, nobody.

Pretty clear #CharlesManson has only lasted as long as he has because the devil doesn’t want him either.

Senate bill will eliminate taxes on management fee taxes paid by private jet owners. Finally, some serious middle-class tax relief.

Some saying in light of #RoyMoore situation we’re letting Bill Clinton get off too easy on assault allegations. Think Dems might change role of Bill in party now if GOP would change role of Trump.

 

#RoyMoore‘s lawyer, the allegations are “incredibly, incredibly, painful for him, his wife, his mom, his daughter, his grandchildren.” Uh, those girls are and/or were someone’s “wives, moms, daughter and grandchildren.”

Trump is now overturning Obama’s ban on importing elephant & rhino trophies. Normally a pacifist but about ready to throw something at next person who says Hillary & Trump were no different.

So many laws, so little time?

November 14, 2017

Arkansas has suspended freshman QB Cole Kelley, 20, after a DWI arrest, for at least one game. Coach Bielema: “Starting games here is a very big deal. Social media and everything else around, he’s going to be held to a higher standard. … ”
A DWI arrest at 20? Higher standard than what?

UCLA players accused of shoplifting are on flights home. That’ll teach them – shoplift designer sunglasses & you could be forced to spent a week away from classes at a deluxe hotel.

On a lighter note, USA Today projections for 2017-18 Bowl Games. Holiday Bowl Dec 28 – Stanford vs Michigan. #HolyHarbaugh

France is apparently considering legalizing sex with 13 yr-olds. In related news #RoyMoore is considering retirement to Paris.

Shooter today in Rancho Tehama another angry white guy. Standby for more GOP thoughts & prayers,” & talk about mental illness while cutting funding for mental health.

Everyone who insists #RoyMoore‘s behavior was normal for Alabama at the time, forgets that people thought he was creepy AT THE TIME.

Now Paul Ryan is calling on Roy Moore to step aside. Unless he gets elected in which case  he’ll want Moore to resign after voting for tax cuts.

McConnell floating idea of Sessions as write-in candidate for Alabama Senate. Though apparently AG  has same possible Alzheimer’s memory problems as Moore. #ICantRecall

Paul Ryan “House will adopt a policy of mandatory anti-harassment & anti-discrimination training for all Members & staff. ” What about Oval Office?

Trump got off a plane tonight from the Philippines and promptly tweeted  “May God be with the people of Sutherland Springs, Texas. The FBI and Law Enforcement has arrived.”

 

Question of night, will @realDonaldTrump delete tweet referencing 9-day-old mass shooting instead of today’s, or double down on it?
#SutherlandSprings #RanchoTehama