Archive for the ‘football jokes’ category

Hard headed?

September 5, 2019

Antonio Brown may have solved his helmet problem, and now he’s apparently getting suspended by Oakland.  Who had “before the season started? in the pool.

 

Wait, the Steelers actually got two draft picks in exchange for the Raiders taking Antonio Brown off their hands?

 

After blowing a 6 run lead in the 9th, ESPN headline “Mets bullpen bounces back” in an 8-4 win today against Nationals.
Or is it possible Washington hitters were just exhausted?

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that the SF Giants should never pitch to Paul Goldschmidt.

Mayor de Blasio says he may drop out of presidential race in October. WTF? Forget eating pizza with a fork, when has a true New Yorker waited a month for ANYTHING?

So let me get this straight, “Moscow Mitch” says he won’t allow a vote on gun control unless “the President” backs a bill.
But when the last President chose and backed a Supreme Court nominee, he wouldn’t allow a vote either.
Hypocrisy much?

GOP Congressman Dan Crenshaw complains “With universal background checks, I wouldn’t be able to let my friends borrow my handgun.”  Some statements don’t even need a punchline.

But hey, so does Crenshaw loan his car to friends too?  Whether or not they have a license?

 

 

Imagine if after saying he’d campaigned in all 57 states, Barack Obama had insisted on showing us doctored maps showing there really were 57 states.

Did Donald Trump think he wouldn’t be caught altering the National Weather Service hurricane map?
Well, he’s not the Sharpie-est tool in the box.

Fox White House reporter John Roberts on Trump’s efforts to justify his Alabama hurricane mistake – “You can see somebody with a Sharpie or some other writing instruments, added a little bit to the cone of uncertainty, which was not a part of the official forecast.””

Uh oh, someone is not going to be happy with State TV.

 

 

So who had the National Weather Service in Trump insult bingo?

 

So how long until Trump issues a White House invitation for Alabama hurricane survivors?

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Without a little bit of Luck

August 25, 2019

Colts fans must feel as shocked and betrayed as if someone stole their team in the middle of the night.

.

Wonder how many fans in Indianapolis who booed Andrew Luck as a coward for retiring would cheer if the Colts signed Colin Kaepernick in his place.

 

But yes, your reminder, Colin Kaepernick is still available.

Pablo Sandoval to have Tommy John surgery. Wonder if he’ll recover in time to pitch next season.

Patriots TE Lance Kendricks now joins Benjamin Watson on the suspended list, and safety Patrick Chung has been arrested on a cocaine charge. Gosh, whoever thought Bill Belichick would have so many players doing something illegal?

Tennessee Volunteers sophomore CB Bryce Thompson arrested for misdemeanor domestic assault after he allegedly threatened to “slap the s— out of” a woman and to “shoot up the school.”
Since Thompson was a Freshman All-American and led the team in interceptions last year, how long until someone decides he’s a nice kid who deserves a second chance?

Meanwhile, NCAA has put Mississippi State football on probation for academic cheating. Well, good to know they’ve punished the only problem school in the SEC.

With about 5 weeks left in MLB season, Baltimore GM Mike Elias has fired 11 people in front office and scouting department. He says it’s “to provide those who lost their jobs a jump at getting back into the market.”
Because don’t all other teams want to snatch up talent from the Orioles?

On Trump tariffs, “This is not the way to proceed. Apart from everything else, those who support the tariffs are at risk of incurring the blame for the downturn in the global economy, irrespective of whether or not that is true.”
This sentence from that noted voice of reason Boris Johnson!!??

Trump at G7  “The question I was asked most today by fellow World Leaders, who think the USA is doing so well and is stronger than ever before, happens to be, “Mr. President, why does the American media hate your Country so much? Why are they rooting for it to fail?””
Uh, would he like to name ONE of those world leaders?

How long until Trump claims the Amazon rainforest fires are the fault of Jeff Bezos?

Joe Walsh says he will primary Donald Trump in 2020.  Let me be very clear, I agree with Joe Walsh on very little, and disagree with him strongly on guns and a woman’s right to choose.
But I believe he is a sane person who loves this country. And cannot say the same about Trump.

Can’t win them all

February 5, 2018

Super Bowl LII was watched by 103.4 million Americans, the lowest number since 2009. How much of that was fact NY is biggest media market, and New Yorkers hated both teams?

If NFL wants better ratings one suggestion is to make the “catch” rule at least as understandable as the balk rule.

Vince Lombardi trophy last night “”On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.”

 

Meanwhile did the Dow take a knee Monday for Trump?

Eagles  as a team are not Trump pals nor fans. Wonder how long it will take POTUS to declare that Patriots won the Super Bowl electoral college?

Gisele to her kids “Daddy won five times. They never won before. Their whole life, they never won a Super Bowl. You have to let someone else win sometimes.” So nice of Patriots to “let” Eagles win…

Tom Brady “Losing sucks.” And in Cleveland they’re stampeding for the violins.

Good news for Philadelphia police. City may have gone over-the-top on their Super Bowl celebration. But there’s no chance of another anytime soon with the 76ers or Phillies.

 

If Pepsi wanted to introduce “Quiet Doritos”, for theater or other times when eating in public, guessing they might have a thing.    But who the bleep came up with idea of “Lady Doritos?”

Is the recommended beverage for Lady Doritos a can of New Coke?

The President of the United States now calling opposition party “un-American” & “treasonous.” Even by banana republic dictator standards that’s pretty over the top.

So were Republicans who didn’t stand or applaud during Obama’s SOTU also “treasonous?” Asking for a country.

Give Trump credit – Bigliest one-day drop in the stock market ever.

Trump calls Devin Nunes a man of “tremendous courage and grit.” I think I like Lindsay Graham’s calling Nunes “Inspector Clouseau” better.

    Really? It took  Trump all weekend to think of that name?

 

Adam Schiff “It may be time for General Kelly to give the President a time out,” How silly. We know Trump isn’t a toddler. Because toddlers are capable of learning.

Not perfect enough?

January 2, 2018

So Auburn team that beat both Georgia & Alabama was beaten by UCF. Explain to me why undefeated  Golden Knights shouldn’t have been in playoffs?

 

Baker Mayfield after Rose Bowl  talked about disappointment of not winning a national title. Fortunately Mayfield isn’t projected #1, or he could find out what it’s like to be disappointed not to win, period. #Browns

So when did the #RoseBowl turn into college football equivalent of NBA All-Star game? Defense not required.

 

On a brighter note for those tired of #SEC dominance, at least one team in College Football Championship has a Democratic senator.

Got nothing against idea of a college football playoff. But #RoseBowl should be between #Pac12 & #BigTen. Period.

 

 may bring plenty of revenue to Stubhub.   But w/ game less than 1 1/2 hr from Georgia and 3 hour drive from Alabama  .not exactly going to help Atlanta economy. Or Delta Airlines.

Many had hoped for #Michigan & #Stanford to play in bowl w/ Shaw vs Harbaugh. Probably would have been good game – they couldn’t BOTH blow 2nd-half leads.

Prime Minister of Australia will be heading to DC for a meeting w/ Donald Trump this Feb. Maybe some of his entourage can take Jared or Donny Jr to a nice wine bar?

In 2017, Texas had #SutherlandSprings church shooting, plus 8 fatally shot in Plano by angry ex-husband at football party & now man arrested w/ arsenal at Houston hotel before NYE. But all these guys w/ guns were white, so it’s not terrorism…

Backwards in time? Hawaiian Airlines flight from Auckland took off after midnight Jan 1, 2018, & landed in Honolulu just after 10am on Dec. 31, 2017. GOP is thinking, big deal. we just took the entire country back 50 years..

As of Jan 1, Californians can now legally buy recreational marijuana. Jobs, jobs, jobs!! Although many of them in fast-food restaurants & at 7-11.

Today recreational marijuana is legal in Calif. As if companies didn’t have hard enough time getting employees to show up on time after holidays on Jan 2.

Good thing about not knowing who #LoganPaul was until today, don’t have regrets about spending ANY of my life having watching even one of his videos.

Trump tweeting about “great Iranian people.” So he’s banning them from entering US because they’re too great & would make Americans feel bad by comparison?

The one that got away…

December 18, 2017

Robbie Gould, cut by Chicago last year is 30-32 on FG & has made 20 in a row. His replacement Connor Barth is 11 for 16. That’s so Bears #DaBears

On the other hand, good news for Bears fans.  A win against the Browns is on next Sunday’s schedule.

Announcers for #GBvsCAR talking about how well Packers fans travel to away games. They’re great team w/ great fans…but if you had ANY reason to get out of Green Bay in December..?

With Christmas Eve next Sunday, and lots of shopping and preparation for the holiday,  have to wonder how many NFL fans took this Sunday off .   Of course no one expected the Seahawks to join them.

Top HS QB prospect Justin Fields has committed to Georgia over Florida State. Seminoles feeling crabby? Or crab-leggy?

Power outage at Atlanta airport, a Delta hub, strands thousands of passengers. American and United immediately introduce electricity surcharge.

Headlines that more than 300 people out of 5,000 on a Royal Caribbean Cruise ship got sick norovirus this week. Wow, that’s almost as many as the number of passengers on any given morning who were hungover.

Trump lawyer accuses Mueller of obtaining emails illegally – so former FBI director should have just had Russia get them for him?

 –
Putin reportedly called Trump to thank CIA for tip that helped stop a St. Petersburg bombing. That moment when Pres. of Russia is more positive about U.S. Intelligence than Pres of US…

I understand why people who’re just getting by would do anything for big tax cut. But when you have more $$$ than you can spend in a lifetime? #CorkerKickback

Senator Corker said he had no idea about the provision introduced at the last minute into the GOP tax bill that will save him over $1 million in tax a year. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Anyone else think Mnuchin’s Treasury department has spent less time actually analyzing #GOP tax bill than his wife Louise Linton spent making her designer clothing & jewelry Christmas wish list.

Because Trump thinks he’s done enough already? Tax bill would impose a 20% tax on goods made in Puerto Rico & shipped to mainland. #WTF?

41 and counting.

December 15, 2017

And of 41 college football bowl games, six are on Dec. 16. And if you can name at least half of them without Google, you just might need a life.

 

Now it’s Dave Brubaker, women’s national team director of Gymnastics Canada, facing sex-charges. Sad. Those days seem so innocent when we “just” worried about gymnasts’ eating disorders.

Carlos Santana leaves the Indians for the Phillies. 3 years, $60 million.  Plus he gets Octobers off!

NFL owner being investigated for “workplace misconduct.” Millions of Americans disappointed that it isn’t Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder.#JerryRichardson #Panthers

Now, I adore Kawhi Leonard. But the Spurs are 0-2 since he returned in limited minutes.  So maybe this doesn’t burnish his MVP credentials.

 

Alabama and San Francisco now have something in common – No Moore.

AOL is officially killing AIM. And millions of millennials have no idea what either of those are.

So it’s a May 19 wedding for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Does probably make it easier to remember your anniversary when it’s printed on tea towels.

 

In an attempt to get Rubio’s vote, GOP plans to increase child tax credit $300. Wow. That ought to pay for a whole week of day care.

#TaxBill has losses from fires, floods or other events no longer deductible unless covered by specific federal disaster declaration. But GOP will offer lots of thoughts and prayers.

EPA hires an opposition research firm to help them shape media coverage, CDC can’t use words: “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” & “science-based.”
I liked Orwell better as a novelist than a prophet.

Trump attacks FBI, saying “People are very, very angry.” “People?” Is that another term for his Russian bot followers?

 

Trump “visa lottery..really the worst of the worst.” He misspoke on “visa lottery” – meant to say “my system for picking judges.”

 

Barack Obama dressed up as Santa Claus at a Washington DC Boys & Girls Club. Don’t tell Trump. He’ll repeal Santa.

Mistakes were made.

December 11, 2017

Giancarlo Stanton sounds positively giddy about leaving #Marlins for #Yankees. And of course NY fans & media will be so supportive if he has anything less than an MVP year.

 

NFL warned teams today it will begin “significant discipline” to anyone engaging in offensive conduct or contact against game officials.”
What about discipline for offensive officiating?

On a non-political note, three of the nicest words for Tuesday are “Kawhi Leonard ‘probable.”” #GoSpursGo @Spurs

According to Hank Schulman Stanton has been spending “Octobers in Europe unable to really watch the playoffs because it just kills him.”
Save this post if Yankees miss 2018 Postseason

Derek Jeter, on Stanton trade “No, there isn’t anything I would do differently.” Has someone checked former Yankees’ captain for concussions?

 

Maybe they don’t have Louis Vuitton stores in Lithuania?

Now it’s #CarsonWentz who is out for the season. With three weeks to go how many stars will be left for the @NFL playoffs?

Oops. Neither Bangladesh nor Brooklyn were on Trump’s travel ban list.#PortAuthority

#PortAuthority suspect said he made his bomb at work. And some people feel guilty about wasting employer time by with games or online shopping.

Dept of Education under Betsy Devos has stopped cancelling student loan debt for those defrauded by failed for-profit schools. Because how could they acknowledge it might have been a major mistake to attend Trump University?

Just imagine if when @BarackObama went to Hawaii for vacation he stayed at resort owned by his family & made a profit off trip. GOP heads would have exploded.

If you’re really “pro-life” it seems like a no-brainer to vote for man who successfully prosecuted murderers of four little girls. @GDouglasJones

 

December bringing different man or men every day accused of sexual harassment. This is becoming like a very twisted advent calendar.

It”s only Monday & this week #RyanLizza#MarioBatali…. Beginning to think it’s a bad idea to put men in positions of power.

Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to respond that he doesn’t get what all #KaylaMoore fuss is about “I have a Jew son-in-law.”

 

Just wondering, how many people have attorneys (plural) and KNOW what religion they all are? #KaylaMoore #NoMoore

Considering #KaylaMoore‘s “Jew” lawyer comment & his friend talking about child brothels, I understand why #RoyMoore tried to lie low weekend before election.

Crickets on #PortAuthority from @realDonaldTrump If alleged wannabe terrorist had been from country on his travel ban he’d have tweeted within 30 seconds.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says on Trump sexual assault allegations “American people knew this & voted for him,”   So WTF was Donald Trump doing going after Bill Clinton 20+ years later after his election?

Trump attacks @NYTimes for saying he watches 4-8 hours of TV a day. Maybe he means he really watches 8-12 hours….