Archive for the ‘football jokes’ category

Losing it.

May 2, 2017

Greg Hardy says he’s “not a f*cking psychopath.” Right, and he doesn’t have anger issues either.

Raiders top draft pick Gareon Conley’s first said “nothing happened” the night he was accused of rape. Now TMZ reports he said, he said he received “brief oral sex” from his accuser.
So oral sex is nothing. Does this guy want to be an NFL player or run for President?

Real simple solution for #RedSox: Get name, address of anyone behaving like fans did w/ #AdamJones & ban them from buying tickets to Fenway.

But really Red Sox fans, Boston at this point should be better than this.  Racial taunts are never appropriate. And really obnoxious taunts should be saved for the Yankees.

So Joe Mixon has an NFL job and Colin Kaepernick doesn’t. Controversy is clearly a distant 2nd in the league to perceived talent.

Stephen Curry’s was asked what he’s going to do on the Warriors’ day off in Salt Lake City –  “I won’t be riding a dirt bike.”

Too soon?  Mean bitch karma might tell Steph to be careful walking down hotel steps. #pagingJeremyAffeldt

SF Giants pitcher Matt Moore got staked to a 4-0 lead in the top of the 2nd inning against the Dodgers, and then, after a 7 pitch 1st,  promptly gave back 6 runs in the bottom of the inning.  Not much silver lining but maybe a bit of solace for Giants fans who have wondered “if only Bochy had let Moore go one more inning in the 2016 NLDS game 4 against the Cubs.”

Alabama’s Nick Saban will be paid $11.125 million this season. But heaven forbid someone buy one of his college football players dinner.

American Airlines is reducing legroom on some of their flights within the US from 31 to 29 inches. Wonder if they will allow you to put your knees in checked baggage free of charge.

Biggest mistake made with the #fyrefestival? Not hiring Sean Spicer to tell the world how great it was.

 

Understand Hillary still being focused on losing close election maybe she should have won. Can’t understand Trump’s obsession. #sorewinner

Wonder how much we’d need to raise on a #GoFundMe page to get @realDonaldTrump to go back to that previous life he loved so much?

 

“Compassionate conservatism?” GOP Rep. Pittenger on Trumpcare pre-existing conditions. “People can go to state that they want to live in,”

 

Alabama Rep. Mo Brooks on CNN. “My understanding is that (the new Trumpcare) will allow insurance companies to require people who have higher health care costs to contribute more to the insurance pool. That helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives, they’re healthy, they’ve done the things to keep their bodies healthy. And right now, those are the people — who’ve done things the right way — that are seeing their costs skyrocketing.”
Right, because cancer only happens to people who have led bad lives? #WTF?

Trump  tweets – “change rules now to 51%. Country needs a good “shutdown” in Sept. to fix mess!”      But imagine what Obama could have done without filibuster

Austin police say the a man was “suffering from mental health issues” when he allegedly killed a student and injured three others with a hunting knife.  He just had a hunting knife?  Maybe the guy didn’t know the GOP had overturned an Obama rule in order to defend his 2nd amendment rights.

Fighting for air?

February 8, 2017

Patriots RB James White says he doesn’t know what happened to the football he scored the winning touchdown with in Super Bowl 51. “I actually don’t know what I did with it. I left it on the ground and started running.”
Well, at least there’s no way for the NFL to check if the ball was deflated.

Falcons have picked interim Crimson Tide offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian as  their new OC. Does Atlanta know Alabama was winless in the Sarkisian area?

Golden State Warriors are rewarding their loyal season ticket holders with a 15-25% price increase next season. But just imagine how inexpensive 2017-2018 tickets will seem compared to those in the new SF arena.

 

 

A United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Kauai today developed autopilot problems and circled for hours before landing back at SFO more than 3 hours after takeoff. Now for the really important question, did passengers get extra miles for all that circling?

Hate to say it but #DeVos incompetency might limit her damage. What if Trump replaced her w/ smarter person w/ same view

While we’re changing all the rules in this country can we eliminate the 22nd amendment?

Trump this morning starts out a tweet with “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia….” Does he type these with a straight face?

Trump tweeted today that he doesn’t know Putin. But in a 2013 MSNBC interview he said “I do have a relationship” with Putin.
No wonder Trump hates the media; they have this bad habit of reporting on what he says.

So Betsy Devos is now our Secretary of Education. Yeah, maybe our schools have been wrong in teaching children about the value of study and hard work as far as getting ahead. They should be teaching “How to marry a billionaire.”

Would be interesting to see how many Senators actually went or sent their children to public schools. #DeVosvote

Don’t just get mad, VOTE. Especially in school board elections. #DeVosvote

 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you elect a reality TV star to Congress. Wisconsin Rep. Sean Duffy (The Real Life: Boston, & Road Rules): “Look at Gabby Giffords. The Marxist, who took her life, a leftist guy, and now you see violence and terror in the streets all across America.

So Green Eggs and Ham is acceptable reading on the Senate floor but a letter from Coretta Scott King is not? #WTF?

Trump thinks “California is out of control.” Where do I get the “Out of Control Nasty California Woman T-Shirt”?

Or – “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted,” Where’s the t-shirt?  I want one of those too.

Slip sliding away…

February 5, 2017

So did that extra month of rest Roger Goodell gave Tom Brady this year make a difference down the stretch of #SB51?

In the 4th quarter Brady and the Patriots went through Atlanta faster than anyone not named Sherman.

At least @warriors fans can rest easy knowing their team will no longer win the ESPY for greatest postseason choke job in the last year.

But really, what’s with these collapses, the Warriors, the Indians, the Falcons.  At this point maybe we should all plan to bet on whoever goes down 3-0 in this year’s Stanley Cup Finals.

You’d think after watching Pete Carroll that the Falcons would have learned the lesson, when you’ve got the game won late, run the damn ball.

Wonder how long it took Matt Ryan to realize that a couple V for Victory formations and a field goal would have iced this game? #Superbowl

Avocados from Mexico commercial. Waiting for the Trump rebuttal.

But where were the Clydesdales tonight?  I blame Trump

Cant wait for Sean Spicer  to congratulate the Patriots tomorrow on the largest margin of victory in Super Bowl history.

Really? Trump’s latest tweet “Just cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something happens blame him and court system. People pouring in. Bad!”
So who do we blame for Quebec City, (yes, I know that’s Canada) Charleston, Aurora? And the other over 12,000 Americans killed last year by gun violence?

 

VP Pence said today White House considering removing sanctions against Russia. Congrats to all those who had Feb 5 in the pool.

As some attacked idea of liberals rooting for a team from a Red State, can we remember that #JimmyCarter is from Georgia. #Falcons #Superbowl

Just guessing we can add #MelissaMcCarthy to list of actors who won’t be invited to any Trump state dinners.

No tweets from the President over last night’s @SNL. Is @realDonaldTrump sick? Or did someone hide his phone?

 

Protest in Palm Beach last  night were nonviolent but apparently disturbing to Trump at his Florida gala tonight titled “Vienna to Versailles’
Not perhaps as disturbing as it might have been had the President read his history on Versailles.

From Marc Ragovin  “President Trump just congratulated the New Jersey Generals on winning their eighth Super Bowl.”

Degrees

January 30, 2017

That moment when you turn on sports talk radio for comparatively calm and reasonable conversation. #trumpweek1

 

OKC’s Enes Kanter says he apologized to his teammates after breaking his arm by punching a chair during a game with Dallas last week. But did he apologize to the chair?

On a lighter note, because we need some of those these days, Serena Williams is a damn good tennis player.

 

On another lighter note, who did the Clippers think they are tonight, the Lakers?

 

And he’s adorable too. So jealous.

 

Nikki Haley, saying that at the UN, we will “show our strength, show our voice, have the backs of our allies and make sure that our allies have our back as well, For those that don’t have our back, we’re taking names…”
Of course, the way things are going, the US could have a lot fewer allies to worry about.

Yeah, there are some truly terrifying men in the world today. How long until some country decides to put in an American ban?   Or specifically orange Americans?

Dr Gholam A. Peyman, born in Iran, US resident since 1970s, invented LASIK. Can we ban Trump supporters from having the surgery? #Muslimban

A Thailand court sentenced man to 11 yrs in prison for posting material online judged “insulting” to monarchy. Scary. Hope Trump didn’t see it.

Iran’s Asghar Farhadi is nominated for best foreign film, now may not be able to attend Oscars until he gets some sort of a waiver, fast.  Can Meryl Streep accept for him, with speech time?

Trump has given Steve Bannon of Breitbart News a seat on the National Security Council. I’m ready for Bobby to come out of the shower now.

Federal Judge Ann Donnelly temporarily blocked President Trump’s Executive Order on refugees with an emergency ruling that applies to detainees already in the United States, or those mid-flight. She said that sending the refugees home now could cause them “irreparable harm.”
Standby for Trump’s tweet calling for removing Donnelly from the bench in 3.2.1….

Just wondering, what happens with flight attendants from the 7 banned countries? #malicewithoutaforethought

 

A rare serious thought  for a change. Ok, I understand that there are threats that many US civilians don’t understand and so there may be more reasons we don’t know behind Trump’s executive order about citizens of some Muslim countries.
On the other hand, when we live in difficult and nuanced times, what stands out to me is that this EO was dashed off with all the calm reasoned well-thought-out logic of a 3 am Twitter post.

 

 

 

 

 

Voting and other consequences

January 19, 2017

Russell Westbrook left off as a starter for the NBA All-Star team?!. Ah for the days when inexplicable voting by Americans just impacted meaningless exhibition games.

Stanford has 11 players on rosters of the four teams left alive in this weekend’s NFL championship games.  The next closest school, Alabama, has 7.  #nerdnation

Trump has appointed Woody Johnson as his ambassador to Great Britain. So Johnson will do for America’s reputation in England what he’s done for the Jets?

Trump talking about huge crowds for inaugural concert .  Based on actual numbers even the Montreal Expos are giggling.

El Chapo has been extradited over to US. So will Trump name him Drug Czar?

 

Now GOP has set precedent hope Senate Dems feel justified not voting on any potential Supreme Court nominee. Only 1383 days to next election.

Trump doesn’t like PC, wonder why he didn’t ask the Stanford band to perform at inaugural – they could have played Yellow River.

So when Trump takes oath of office will he be saying “So help me, me.”?

Spokesman Sean Spicer says Trump’s incoming cabinet will have diversity. Yes, rich and richer.

Rumors are that Trump plans to privatize the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. So will PBS be replaced by “Trump TV?”

Rick Perry “After being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.”
Because, hey, don’t we all want to close things down when we have no idea what they do?

Donald and Melania Trump arrived at their inaugural concert to the music of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” #Truthinadvertising

Treasury secretary nominee Steven Mnuchin admitted in confirmation hearing today while he headed OneWest Bank, he now regrets kicking some people out of their homes. And one of the “”most troubling” of the foreclosures “was actually to the Octomom.”
At the Onion they are going, “that’s it, we quit. Can’t compete.”

Trump in a speech tonight, “Next time, four years from now, next time we’re going to win the old fashioned way.” As in without Russian help or by getting the most votes?

Nancy Sinatra, when asked how she felt about Trump using “My Way” for the first dance at his inaugural, responded, “Just remember the first line.” Three words “You go girl.”

(And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain…..)

Bash brother.

January 18, 2017

Jose Canseco, voice of reason ““It’s a great day for the hypocrisy of the #HallOfFame voting induct all that used Peds or induct none.”

With steroid era revisited Pudge Rodriguez follows Bud Selig into Hall of Fame, Bonds still excluded. WTF?  Can we blame Russian hackers?

Patriots fans on social media think the commissioner is ducking the Sunday game in Foxboro, And radio station WEEI says “not attending AFC championship may be Roger Goodell’s most embarrassing moment yet.
With all due respect, not attending the game probablyisn’t even going to be Goodell’s most embarrassing moment this week.

 

Yeah, we’re all special snowflakes out in California but did we have to go straight from a drought into becoming a soggier version of Seattle?

Last words from #ObamaPressconference were “Good Luck.” Wonder how tempted he was to add “You’re going to need it.”?

 

If #ChelseaManning said she was only leaking all that classified information on behalf of Russia would GOP be okay with her pardon?

Vladimir Putin defended Donald Trump against allegations he used Russian prostitutes, but added that “ours are the best in the world.” Okay, I’m appalled. Where’s the defense of American worker superiority from Trump on this one?

Despite rumors of him choosing a Latino, Trump has apparently picked ex-Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, 70, as Secretary of Agriculture. Because the President Elect just doesn’t have enough old white men in his cabinet.

#Livefromthe2017Inauguration only REALLY becomes a trending hashtag if we survive through day Trump first gets nuclear codes.

Martin Shkreli, downplaying Twitter suspension ““Twitter is actually pretty obsolete.” Ooh, potential Shkreli Trump war. #Passthelargepopcorn

TMZ reports Michael Flatley is going to dance at one of Trump’s inaugural balls. All together now – “Who?”

Julian Assange had promised to to “agree to US extradition” if “Obama grants Manning clemency.” Now his lawyer says “Mr. Assange welcomes the announcement that Ms. Manning’s sentence will be reduced and she will be released in May, but this is well short of what he sought. Mr. Assange had called for Chelsea Manning to receive clemency and be released immediately.”
As Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” #snake

Remember those innocent days when we thought worst that could happen Friday was putting another Bush in the White House? #Inauguration

Some discussion and worry about what kind of redecorating Trump might do inside the White House. But he will probably be more focused on putting up neon “T.R.U.M.P” letters outside.

Not so smooth sailing?

January 8, 2017

 

On the brighter side for #NYGiants they now have all the time in the world to plan more boat parties.

Four blowout wild-card football games this weekend remind us why baseball is the best sport. No matter how lopsided the score there is always a chance for a comeback.

The Miami Dolphins looked as overmatched against Ben Roethlisberger today as a co-ed in a bar. #Bustohell

Fired coach #SonnyDykes was 19-30 in four years at Cal.  19-30,   Sounds like a possible coaching upgrade for @49ers.

The 76ers have improved to 10-25, and Joel Embiid is talking about the playoffs -“I think we have a chance. We’ve been hot lately.”
Did they legalize marijuana in Pennsylvania and not tell us?

 

Amazing how many who insisted Obama was helped/influenced by foreign Muslims have no problem w/ Russia being helped/influenced by Russia.

To save time money & risk maybe television networks could pick  one joint pool person to report outside per major storm? “Yes, it’s raining/snowing hard” here.

Mariah Carey today said that on New Year’s eve she “was looking forward to a celebratory moment with the world. It’s a shame that we were put into the hands of a production team with technical issues who chose to capitalize on circumstances beyond our control.”
Four words Mariah, “Give it up already.”

On @FaceTheNation @CoryBooker very good in defending Obamacare but looked quite orange. Maybe makeup artist wanted him to look presidential.

 

Martin Shkreli has been suspended from Twitter for harassing woman journalist. What a shame that policy didn’t apply to candidates during the Presidential election.

Hugh Laurie tonight reminded us how much we miss House. Hugh Grant reminds us of what Prime Minister could say to US President #GoldenGlobes

 

If @CoryBooker is elected President in 2020 I would like to nominate #MerylStreep as Director of Communications or Press Secretary #GoldenGIobe

British PM Theresa May asked what she thought about Trump’ s pussy grabbing comments ‘as a woman’.
Her response “‘I think that’s unacceptable but I think Donald Trump himself has said that and has apologised for it.” And “the relationship the UK has with the US is about something much bigger than the relationship between the two individuals as president and prime minister…. it’s a relationship where we feel in the UK we can say to the US if we disagree with something.”
Right, and our President-Elect is so magnanimous in dealing with those who disagree with him. #passthepopcorn