Posted tagged ‘Cowboys jokes’

No place they’d rather be.

July 18, 2017

The sellout streak may be over. But for last-place team on a Tuesday night, this is sure not a bad crowd in bottom of 10th #SFGiants #ATTPark

NFL opening night in less than 2 months. Meanwhile fans can follow sagas like training camps, trades & which Cowboy will get arrested next.

RB Ezekiel Elliott is now appealing his conviction after he pleaded no contest in July over allegedly driving 100mph in a 70mph zone. Sounds like someone doesn’t want a prior used against him in one or more future cases. #Cowboys   #Americasteam

Detroit Lions DE Armonty Bryant has been suspended 4 games for violating the NFL substance abuse policy – this suspension is his 3rd since the start of the 2016 season.
Bryant had 3 sacks last season. When you have as many suspensions as sacks, it might be time to find a new line of work?

Simple solution:  If Donald Trump could somehow change name of Obamacare to Trumpcare that would be enough for him to declare it a major success.

Is Trump trying to prove he knew nothing about Don Jr’s Russia meeting by showing he knew nothing about the Trumpcare bill?

Don Jr., clearly less favored child to Ivanka. If he did something he thought legal to help win election he’d run to Dad to brag about it.

I’m sure if Obama had a private off-the-record meeting w/ a foreign leader & no other Americans present the GOP would be just fine with it.

Ann Coulter is still on a Twitter tantrum against Delta. If it took $10,000 of her time to select the seat, with the amount of time she is wasting complaining she could rent a private plane.

About only thing Trump could say that his supporters wouldn’t believe completely is if he said Redskins will win Super Bowl this year.

The number of contortions Trump supporters have to go through to convince themselves he is a great President indicates they were really good at “Twister.”-

Not sure but just thinking that somewhere President Obama is smiling. “Who knew healthcare could be so complicated?”

O.J. Simpson is expected to be paroled this week, in part because he has been a model prisoner, in part because he has no other criminal convictions. Under any other President, that might be the #whythereisnosatire line of the week.

Chris Christie was loudly booed catching foul ball tonight at the  Mets game at Citifield. Maybe Trump wishes he had picked the New Jersey governor as a running mate, he MIGHT have VP less popular than he is.

Three words, “You go girl.”  http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/18/us/transgender-woman-viral-photo-trnd/index.html

 

Nothing to see here

December 23, 2016

Bill Belichick admitted today that the Patriots were unaware of how extreme Michael Floyd’s DUI was. But the New England coach didn’t seem too deflated about it.

 

 

Idaho beat Colorado State 61-50 in the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. I am aware several stars have decided to forego bowl games, but did both teams’ defenses decide to stay home?

Ezekiel Elliott says he won’t jump in a Salvation Army kettle, after he was not fined for the last celebration – “I think I had my one get-out-of-jail-free card,I used it already.”
Is that really the best phrase to use for a football player who is still under investigation for domestic violence?

Manny Ramirez’s wife told TMZ that Manny, 44, wants to play professional baseball again. Can the SFGiants sign him and gift wrap him as a present to the Dodgers?

So tired of hearing that “without California Trump would have won the popular vote. And yeah, without California the  Tigers & Royals would each have one more World Series trophy, and the Rangers would have their first.  #SFGIants

On a positive note, tuned into the Spurs-Clippers game tonight, and while I’m not a mall jewelry store fan, saw a nice holiday “Love” commercial from Zales featuring two lovely brides. On TNT. And this commercial has apparently been out for a few weeks and has survived social media conservative outrage. #progress #wellplayed

Grayson Allen has been suspended indefinitely for “actions that do not meet the standards of Duke Basketball.” So during this time will Allen get help, or consider switching his talents to football?

The Beach Boys are reportedly considering playing Donald Trump’s inaugural. Considering all the discussion about popular vote, guessing one of their song choices won’t be “California Girls.”

New White House counselor Kellyanne Conway, asked if she will have trouble handling her job while being a mother of four. “I would say that I don’t play golf and I don’t have a mistress so, I have a lot of time that a lot of these other men don’t.”
Uh, so for all these years how has Trump done HIS job?

And Kellyanne Conway also indicates that Trump might not have a ban on Muslims per se, but for a ban on individuals from terrorist-prone countries. Uh, looking at Sandy Hook, Charleston and any number of mass shootings,  could that standard be used by other countries to keep Americans out?

 

Twitter’s stock keeps falling after their CTO and VP of Product both announced they would leave. One analyst says the company is ‘toast.” Maybe Trump will just buy the whole thing and use it instead of Press Conferences.

The US and Russia need more nuclear weapons like billionaires need a tax cut.

I’ve got another puzzle for you.

August 29, 2016

Bummer, Gene Wilder, 83,  has passed away. Although between him and Gilda Radnerthere should be some un-PC side-splitting shows in heaven coming up.

 

wonka

 

 

Hope it didn’t kill Wilder to face the possibility of an Oompa Loompa being elected president.

 

Interesting to hear commentators talk about how Colin Kaepernick’s protest might keep the suddenly desperate Dallas Cowboys from trading for him. Right, this is the same team that had no problem signing Greg Hardy. #priorities.

 

 

If #SF49ers want a less controversial backup QB than #ColinKaepernick, #MichaelVick is available. Or hey, so is #TimTebow.

Sigh. Wasn’t that long ago that SF Giants thought Barry Bonds’ recliner was the biggest problem team could have with one of their players sitting.

Absolutely respect #ColinKaepernick‘s views & desire to speak up. But think his execution has been as good his handling of #49ers offense.

Figure @realDonaldTrump will soon go after #ColinKaepernick soon. Less for #49ers QB’s protest than for fact he’s stealing Trump’s headlines

At the U.S. Open, tennis player CoCo Vandeweghe, who lost in 3 sets, refused to shake the official’s hand: “I’m frickin’ pissed. It sucks.”
Vandeweghe isn’t leaving the tournament yet: “I have doubles Doubles and mixed, that’s where I’m heading next.”
And after today I’m sure she’ll have no problems with officials going forward…..

 

#RickPerry is going to be on #DWTS?! Did someone warn him he will have to count steps?

Ohio State suspended highly-recruited WR Torrance Gibson for the season “due to a violation of the school’s student code of conduct.” Urban Meyer says “I disagree” and adds that it was not a football or athletic dept decision.
Guess it’s time to open the pool on when Gibson will apply to transfer to an SEC school.

#DenverBroncos just announced their opening day QB will be #TrevorSiemian. All together now – “Who?!!”
 –
Former Stanford student and convicted rapist Brock Turner will be released from prison Friday after 3 months. No word on where he will go.
Hmm, India might be a good fit, this from their tourism minister, while promoting a welcome kit to be handed out on arrival “There’s a card in there listing the do’s and don’ts. Basic things like, ‘Don’t go out at night alone.’ ‘Don’t wear skirts.'”

 

The Princeton Review named University of Wisconsin-Madison the #1 party school in the USA. Well, no doubt that calls for an all-campus party tonight.

Last Saturday night, the 911 system in Washington D.C. was down for two hours, when a contractor working on a water leak accidentally turned the master switch off. Proving again, sometimes terrorism is no match for good old fashioned stupidity.

#AnthonyWeiner and #HumaAbedin are separating. Five words: What took her so long?

Sure hope the people who have been attacking Hillary Clinton for not leaving Bill are nothing but supportive of Huma Abedin’s split from Anthony Weiner. #wecandream

Donald Trump this morning “Huma is making a very wise decision. I know Anthony Weiner well, and she will be far better off without him.”
But then added “Hillary Clinton was careless and negligent in allowing Weiner to have such close proximity to highly classified information. Who knows what he learned and who he told? It’s just another example of Hillary Clinton’s bad judgment. It is possible that our country and its security have been greatly compromised by this.”
So for those who wondered how long the Donald could stay on the high road, the answer, about 15 seconds.

 

So Donald Trump attacks Hillary Clinton over national security because of Huma Abedin & Anthony Weiner: Clearly a rant from a man who has no idea women can keep secrets from their husbands.

The post Skeeter era is not starting out well

August 2, 2016

For the  SFGiants

 

So is ‪#‎Duffcat‬ a voodoo cat? And is he really ticked off @SFGiants traded ‪#‎MattDuffy‬?

Post ‪#‎Skeeter‬ what the Giants may really need is kittens. LOTS of kittens.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ scored twice as many runs for ‪#‎Madbum‬ as they had in his last 3 starts. Unfortunately he allowed as many runs as in last 3 starts

 

Well, looks like the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are getting the same post-trade deadline “bounce” as the ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

UNC has responded to several serious NCAA charges including academic fraud by denying that the NCAA has authority to handle the matter. So are the Tarheels trying to join the SEC?

#‎JohnMcEnroe‬ threw out 1st pitch at Citifield before Yankees Mets game; he , was both fast & accurate. How many teams are bidding to add him to bullpen?

Lebron James says even though he brought a title to Cleveland with the Cavaliers, “My motivation is this ghost I’m chasing, The ghost played in Chicago.” (Michael Jordan.) Uh, Lebron, he’s not dead yet.

Who will regret their decision first – ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬? Or some ‪#‎MLB‬ team who made a major trade at the deadline? ‪#‎toosoon‬?

Dallas Cowboys LB Ronaldo McClain has been suspended for 10 games reportedly for “purple drank” – Sprite, cough syrup and codeine. So wonder if he will claim it was a tainted punch?

An AP review says there is the evidence for flossing is “weak, very unreliable” and “the majority of available studies fail to demonstrate that flossing is generally effective in plaque removal.”
So does that mean we’ve all been just flossing for the fun of it?

More resignations over the DNC email hacks today. But seriously, shouldn’t this be a reminder – you don’t post pictures of your junk, and you don’t put anything you wouldn’t want to see on the front page in an email.

Eric Trump, saying sexual harassment “should be addressed,” But regarding his sister, “Ivanka is a strong, powerful woman, she would not allow herself to be subjected to it,”
Can’t wait to hear the response when someone asks him about rape.

At a speech, @realDonaldTrump called for a crying baby to be removed. And later he fired the person who put the mirror on stage.

Longtime former Chris Christie aide Maria Comella, a Republican, “Donald Trump has been a demagogue this whole time, preying on people’s anxieties with loose information and salacious rhetoric.” She says she will vote for Hillary Clinton, adding that the GOP is “at a moment where silence isn’t an option.”
The Donald is going to have to hire a full-time aide to tell him who to send nasty tweets about.

 

Meg Whitman announced tonight that while she remains a Republican and “I don’t agree with her (Hillary) on very many issues, she would be a much better president than Donald Trump.” So Whitman will vote for, donate to and fund raise for Clinton.

So time to start a pool on which GOP figure will be next?

Seems like we just had ‪#‎4thOfJuly‬ & now it’s “‪#‎BackToSchool‬” sales Can ‪#‎Christmas‬ decorations be far behind?

Still the one.

July 26, 2016

Hillary Clinton to “young girls” watching,  says she hopes to be the first woman president” but “you will be next.” Ok, but, I would like  more women presidents BEFORE they grow up.

‪#‎BillClinton‬ “For those of us with more yesterdays than tomorrows its all about our children & grandchildren” ‪#‎HesStillGotIt‬ ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

Bill Clinton is proving tonight you dont have to be ‪#‎MickJagger‬ to be a 70 year old rock star. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

Bill Clinton may or may not be “First Man” But making strong pitch to take over commercial for ‪#‎MostInterestingManInTheWorld‬

Bill Clinton on Dorothy Rodman “Knowing her was one of Hillary’s greatest gifts to me.” Shameless & lovely plug for the mother-in-law vote.

Seeing just a bit of sniping against Michelle and her future prospects after her speech saying she’s just a first lady. But really, does anyone think if Barack didn’t marry her that he’d be in the Oval Office today? ‪#‎hemarriedup‬

 

#‎MattCain‬ not only got the win tonight, he threw down the hitting gauntlet to ‪#‎Madbum‬ tomorrow. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Would like to thank aliens who abducted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ & started wearing their uniforms for returning our real Giants tonight.

The Cowboys now have three defensive players suspended for substance abuse at the start of the 2016 season. So to their coaching staff will Dallas be adding a probation officer?

Eagles LB Nigel Bradham was arrested in Miami for aggravated assault; he allegedly beat up a 50 year-old hotel worker who didn’t get his umbrella set up quickly enough. Is Bradham trying to get traded to the 49ers or Cowboys?

Aaron Rodgers on his estranged little brother Jordan on “The Bachelorette” “I haven’t seen the show. To be honest with you, so it hasn’t really affected me a whole lot. As far as those kinds of things go, I’ve always found that it’s a little inappropriate to talk publicly about some family matters, so I’m just — I’m not going to speak on those things, but I wish him well in the competition.”
Sounds like Aaron actually learned something at Cal.

So now Trump is attacking Bernie Sanders. Is there anyone the Donald doesn’t turn on eventually, including the women he marries?

‪#‎CoryBooker‬ responded to @realDonaldTrump’s nasty tweet with “I love you Donald.” So is that the New Jersey equivalent of ‪#‎BlessYourHeart‬

Donald Trump is threatening not to pay a hotel in Virginia for an event Monday because he said it was too hot in the ballroom. Maybe because there isn’t an air-conditioning system in the world that can deal with that much hot air?

Donald Trump now says instead of using Twitter once elected President he’d have a personal White House hotline that will keep him “very busy at night” for complaints against VA hospitals.
Who is he kidding, the Donald didn’t even deal with complaints against Trump University?

 

Some critical of  Bill Clinton’s ignoring ‪#‎MonicaLewinsky‬ years. Same folks didn’t have a problem with ‪#‎Trump‬ not mentioning his 1st 2 wives.

Madeleine Albright says national security is not like hosting a reality tv show. Trump listening and trying to figure out how to fire her.

 

Interesting review of Clinton’s speech. “Bill cast Hillary as a real person—when she herself can seem remote, brittle, defensive and evasive. He sold her far better than she sells herself The man can tell a story. And in politics, that matters.”
The commie pinko sources? FoxNews.com

So the Dems aren’t all quite coming together and singing “Kumbaya.” On the other hand, they’re not making speeches like Ted Cruz, or doing stuff like John Kasich, who posted a fake website for “Trump-Putin 2016.” ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

 

Nice change over all today for unity at the DNC though . From Marc Ragovin “Hillary Clinton got so beaten up in Philadelphia on the opening night of the Democratic National Convention that even Santa Claus felt sorry for her.”

Is it safe?

January 6, 2016

Many are condemning President Obama’s executive orders on guns , although they seem relatively mild. But let’s be real, if the car makers of America had as much political clout as the NRA, there would be an outcry if Obama made safety proposals about driver’s licenses.

 

Actually President Obama probably has it wrong; if he REALLY wanted to get serious gun control passed, he would quietly encourage the formation of American “Open Carry” Muslim groups.=

 

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says the team is open to “some risks” in getting a new young backup QB. Let’s see, wonder how many seconds after that remark went online did Jones get a phone call from Cleveland?

Just waiting for someone to ask those ‪#‎OregonMilitia‬ men who they are endorsing for President.

 

Eight Ohio State Buckeyes so far are foregoing eligibility to declare early for the NFL draft. Knowing Urban Meyer and his players, have to wonder how many of them might have worn out the patience of the Columbus police?

The new “Bachelor” season has begun. Might not bode well for some of the presidential candidates – Americans now have another way to get their regular dose of “crazy.

A six-year-old Canadian boy, Syed Adam Ahmed, has apparently been on Canada’s no-fly list since he was a toddler because of his name. Waiting for Donald Trump to weigh in and say “You can’t be too careful.”

 

 

Tonya Couch, the mom of “affluenza” teen Ethan, waived an extradition fight and will be returned to Texas. Her lawyers issued a statement While the public may not like what she did, may not agree with what she did, or may have strong feelings against what she did, make no mistake — Tonya did not violate any law of the State of Texas and she is eager to have her day in court.”
Just guessing this might be one of the few times a bipartisan jury might agree otherwise.

SF  49ers reportedly talking to Mike Shanahan about coaching vacancy. Makes sense, after Dan Snyder in Washington,  49ers owner Jed York might seem almost normal

 

In Texas, a 20-year-old young woman who was acting as a designated driver New Year’s Eve for her sorority sisters was shot dead in an apparent road rage incident. Now a suspect has been arrested, and he is an active Marine. So how do you stop a “good guy” with a gun? ‪#‎ifonlythesisterswerearmed‬

 

Arkansas  Senator Tom Cotton, a Republican, endorsed Bernie Sanders in the Democratic Primary. Wonder which Democrat in Congress might respond by endorsing Rand Paul?

A California Sheriff’s Deputy, Mark Heath, who drove cross country on vacation this December was arrested along with two friends, allegedly with 250 lbs of marijuana and $11,000 cash that they planned to deliver in Pennsylvania. In Yuba County, Heath was part of a drug and gang task force. He has now been placed on leave. (And he couldn’t have driven the pot to Oregon?) ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

 

Florida Atlantic University has officially fired James Tracy, a tenured professor who has publicly claimed the Sandy Hook killings were a hoax, and then feuded with parents of the victims. Good for them. But why do I think that there will no doubt be some who will be lining up to hire him?

Lowering the bar.

December 19, 2015

Florida announced that QB Will Grier. suspended until late in the 2016 season for PEDs, will transfer. Coach Jim McElwain said “this has been very difficult on him and obviously he is looking for a fresh start.” Obviously. Or at least more lax drug testing.

Martin Shkreli has tweeted out “I am confident I will prevail. The allegations against me are baseless and without merit.” Uh, has it occurred to Shkreli that the only people who don’t think he’s a complete scumbag are the same people who are plenty rich enough to get out of jury duty?

The first college bowl game – the Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl – was today was between Alcorn State and North Carolina A&T – Be honest. Who even knew those two schools had football teams?

Our symbol is not the barbed wire fence, it is the Statue of Liberty. ‪#‎DemDebate‬ ‪#‎OMalley‬ ‪#‎Stillwontwinbutnicelysaid‬

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”

Love Bernie Sanders but every time you see him talk you expect to hear him yell “You punks get off my lawn.” ‪#‎DemDebate‬

So Matt Cassell managed to throw an interception and get called for intentional grounding on the same play. ‪#‎NYJvsDAL‬ Somewhere Mark Sanchez is giggling. ‪#‎almostabuttfumble‬

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”

 

Obama met with families of those people killed in San Bernadino yesterday, and a local GOP supervisor criticizing him for it. saying the President should have met with the wounded too. The supervisor also accused Obama of “politicizing” the tragedy. And he said it with a straight face. ‪#‎cantwin‬

 

Tonight the ‪#‎DallasCowboys‬ were officially eliminated from the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing it.