Posted tagged ‘Cowboys jokes’

I’ve got another puzzle for you.

August 29, 2016

Bummer, Gene Wilder, 83,  has passed away. Although between him and Gilda Radnerthere should be some un-PC side-splitting shows in heaven coming up.





Hope it didn’t kill Wilder to face the possibility of an Oompa Loompa being elected president.


Interesting to hear commentators talk about how Colin Kaepernick’s protest might keep the suddenly desperate Dallas Cowboys from trading for him. Right, this is the same team that had no problem signing Greg Hardy. #priorities.



If #SF49ers want a less controversial backup QB than #ColinKaepernick, #MichaelVick is available. Or hey, so is #TimTebow.

Sigh. Wasn’t that long ago that SF Giants thought Barry Bonds’ recliner was the biggest problem team could have with one of their players sitting.

Absolutely respect #ColinKaepernick‘s views & desire to speak up. But think his execution has been as good his handling of #49ers offense.

Figure @realDonaldTrump will soon go after #ColinKaepernick soon. Less for #49ers QB’s protest than for fact he’s stealing Trump’s headlines

At the U.S. Open, tennis player CoCo Vandeweghe, who lost in 3 sets, refused to shake the official’s hand: “I’m frickin’ pissed. It sucks.”
Vandeweghe isn’t leaving the tournament yet: “I have doubles Doubles and mixed, that’s where I’m heading next.”
And after today I’m sure she’ll have no problems with officials going forward…..


#RickPerry is going to be on #DWTS?! Did someone warn him he will have to count steps?

Ohio State suspended highly-recruited WR Torrance Gibson for the season “due to a violation of the school’s student code of conduct.” Urban Meyer says “I disagree” and adds that it was not a football or athletic dept decision.
Guess it’s time to open the pool on when Gibson will apply to transfer to an SEC school.

#DenverBroncos just announced their opening day QB will be #TrevorSiemian. All together now – “Who?!!”
Former Stanford student and convicted rapist Brock Turner will be released from prison Friday after 3 months. No word on where he will go.
Hmm, India might be a good fit, this from their tourism minister, while promoting a welcome kit to be handed out on arrival “There’s a card in there listing the do’s and don’ts. Basic things like, ‘Don’t go out at night alone.’ ‘Don’t wear skirts.'”


The Princeton Review named University of Wisconsin-Madison the #1 party school in the USA. Well, no doubt that calls for an all-campus party tonight.

Last Saturday night, the 911 system in Washington D.C. was down for two hours, when a contractor working on a water leak accidentally turned the master switch off. Proving again, sometimes terrorism is no match for good old fashioned stupidity.

#AnthonyWeiner and #HumaAbedin are separating. Five words: What took her so long?

Sure hope the people who have been attacking Hillary Clinton for not leaving Bill are nothing but supportive of Huma Abedin’s split from Anthony Weiner. #wecandream

Donald Trump this morning “Huma is making a very wise decision. I know Anthony Weiner well, and she will be far better off without him.”
But then added “Hillary Clinton was careless and negligent in allowing Weiner to have such close proximity to highly classified information. Who knows what he learned and who he told? It’s just another example of Hillary Clinton’s bad judgment. It is possible that our country and its security have been greatly compromised by this.”
So for those who wondered how long the Donald could stay on the high road, the answer, about 15 seconds.


So Donald Trump attacks Hillary Clinton over national security because of Huma Abedin & Anthony Weiner: Clearly a rant from a man who has no idea women can keep secrets from their husbands.

The post Skeeter era is not starting out well

August 2, 2016

For the  SFGiants


So is ‪#‎Duffcat‬ a voodoo cat? And is he really ticked off @SFGiants traded ‪#‎MattDuffy‬?

Post ‪#‎Skeeter‬ what the Giants may really need is kittens. LOTS of kittens.


#‎SFGiants‬ scored twice as many runs for ‪#‎Madbum‬ as they had in his last 3 starts. Unfortunately he allowed as many runs as in last 3 starts


Well, looks like the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ are getting the same post-trade deadline “bounce” as the ‪#‎SFGiants‬.


UNC has responded to several serious NCAA charges including academic fraud by denying that the NCAA has authority to handle the matter. So are the Tarheels trying to join the SEC?

#‎JohnMcEnroe‬ threw out 1st pitch at Citifield before Yankees Mets game; he , was both fast & accurate. How many teams are bidding to add him to bullpen?

Lebron James says even though he brought a title to Cleveland with the Cavaliers, “My motivation is this ghost I’m chasing, The ghost played in Chicago.” (Michael Jordan.) Uh, Lebron, he’s not dead yet.

Who will regret their decision first – ‪#‎TheBachelorette‬? Or some ‪#‎MLB‬ team who made a major trade at the deadline? ‪#‎toosoon‬?

Dallas Cowboys LB Ronaldo McClain has been suspended for 10 games reportedly for “purple drank” – Sprite, cough syrup and codeine. So wonder if he will claim it was a tainted punch?

An AP review says there is the evidence for flossing is “weak, very unreliable” and “the majority of available studies fail to demonstrate that flossing is generally effective in plaque removal.”
So does that mean we’ve all been just flossing for the fun of it?

More resignations over the DNC email hacks today. But seriously, shouldn’t this be a reminder – you don’t post pictures of your junk, and you don’t put anything you wouldn’t want to see on the front page in an email.

Eric Trump, saying sexual harassment “should be addressed,” But regarding his sister, “Ivanka is a strong, powerful woman, she would not allow herself to be subjected to it,”
Can’t wait to hear the response when someone asks him about rape.

At a speech, @realDonaldTrump called for a crying baby to be removed. And later he fired the person who put the mirror on stage.

Longtime former Chris Christie aide Maria Comella, a Republican, “Donald Trump has been a demagogue this whole time, preying on people’s anxieties with loose information and salacious rhetoric.” She says she will vote for Hillary Clinton, adding that the GOP is “at a moment where silence isn’t an option.”
The Donald is going to have to hire a full-time aide to tell him who to send nasty tweets about.


Meg Whitman announced tonight that while she remains a Republican and “I don’t agree with her (Hillary) on very many issues, she would be a much better president than Donald Trump.” So Whitman will vote for, donate to and fund raise for Clinton.

So time to start a pool on which GOP figure will be next?

Seems like we just had ‪#‎4thOfJuly‬ & now it’s “‪#‎BackToSchool‬” sales Can ‪#‎Christmas‬ decorations be far behind?

Still the one.

July 26, 2016

Hillary Clinton to “young girls” watching,  says she hopes to be the first woman president” but “you will be next.” Ok, but, I would like  more women presidents BEFORE they grow up.

‪#‎BillClinton‬ “For those of us with more yesterdays than tomorrows its all about our children & grandchildren” ‪#‎HesStillGotIt‬ ‪#‎DemsInPhilly‬

Bill Clinton is proving tonight you dont have to be ‪#‎MickJagger‬ to be a 70 year old rock star. ‪#‎DemConvention‬

Bill Clinton may or may not be “First Man” But making strong pitch to take over commercial for ‪#‎MostInterestingManInTheWorld‬

Bill Clinton on Dorothy Rodman “Knowing her was one of Hillary’s greatest gifts to me.” Shameless & lovely plug for the mother-in-law vote.

Seeing just a bit of sniping against Michelle and her future prospects after her speech saying she’s just a first lady. But really, does anyone think if Barack didn’t marry her that he’d be in the Oval Office today? ‪#‎hemarriedup‬


#‎MattCain‬ not only got the win tonight, he threw down the hitting gauntlet to ‪#‎Madbum‬ tomorrow. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Would like to thank aliens who abducted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ & started wearing their uniforms for returning our real Giants tonight.

The Cowboys now have three defensive players suspended for substance abuse at the start of the 2016 season. So to their coaching staff will Dallas be adding a probation officer?

Eagles LB Nigel Bradham was arrested in Miami for aggravated assault; he allegedly beat up a 50 year-old hotel worker who didn’t get his umbrella set up quickly enough. Is Bradham trying to get traded to the 49ers or Cowboys?

Aaron Rodgers on his estranged little brother Jordan on “The Bachelorette” “I haven’t seen the show. To be honest with you, so it hasn’t really affected me a whole lot. As far as those kinds of things go, I’ve always found that it’s a little inappropriate to talk publicly about some family matters, so I’m just — I’m not going to speak on those things, but I wish him well in the competition.”
Sounds like Aaron actually learned something at Cal.

So now Trump is attacking Bernie Sanders. Is there anyone the Donald doesn’t turn on eventually, including the women he marries?

‪#‎CoryBooker‬ responded to @realDonaldTrump’s nasty tweet with “I love you Donald.” So is that the New Jersey equivalent of ‪#‎BlessYourHeart‬

Donald Trump is threatening not to pay a hotel in Virginia for an event Monday because he said it was too hot in the ballroom. Maybe because there isn’t an air-conditioning system in the world that can deal with that much hot air?

Donald Trump now says instead of using Twitter once elected President he’d have a personal White House hotline that will keep him “very busy at night” for complaints against VA hospitals.
Who is he kidding, the Donald didn’t even deal with complaints against Trump University?


Some critical of  Bill Clinton’s ignoring ‪#‎MonicaLewinsky‬ years. Same folks didn’t have a problem with ‪#‎Trump‬ not mentioning his 1st 2 wives.

Madeleine Albright says national security is not like hosting a reality tv show. Trump listening and trying to figure out how to fire her.


Interesting review of Clinton’s speech. “Bill cast Hillary as a real person—when she herself can seem remote, brittle, defensive and evasive. He sold her far better than she sells herself The man can tell a story. And in politics, that matters.”
The commie pinko sources?

So the Dems aren’t all quite coming together and singing “Kumbaya.” On the other hand, they’re not making speeches like Ted Cruz, or doing stuff like John Kasich, who posted a fake website for “Trump-Putin 2016.” ‪#‎nottheOnion‬


Nice change over all today for unity at the DNC though . From Marc Ragovin “Hillary Clinton got so beaten up in Philadelphia on the opening night of the Democratic National Convention that even Santa Claus felt sorry for her.”

Is it safe?

January 6, 2016

Many are condemning President Obama’s executive orders on guns , although they seem relatively mild. But let’s be real, if the car makers of America had as much political clout as the NRA, there would be an outcry if Obama made safety proposals about driver’s licenses.


Actually President Obama probably has it wrong; if he REALLY wanted to get serious gun control passed, he would quietly encourage the formation of American “Open Carry” Muslim groups.=


Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says the team is open to “some risks” in getting a new young backup QB. Let’s see, wonder how many seconds after that remark went online did Jones get a phone call from Cleveland?

Just waiting for someone to ask those ‪#‎OregonMilitia‬ men who they are endorsing for President.


Eight Ohio State Buckeyes so far are foregoing eligibility to declare early for the NFL draft. Knowing Urban Meyer and his players, have to wonder how many of them might have worn out the patience of the Columbus police?

The new “Bachelor” season has begun. Might not bode well for some of the presidential candidates – Americans now have another way to get their regular dose of “crazy.

A six-year-old Canadian boy, Syed Adam Ahmed, has apparently been on Canada’s no-fly list since he was a toddler because of his name. Waiting for Donald Trump to weigh in and say “You can’t be too careful.”



Tonya Couch, the mom of “affluenza” teen Ethan, waived an extradition fight and will be returned to Texas. Her lawyers issued a statement While the public may not like what she did, may not agree with what she did, or may have strong feelings against what she did, make no mistake — Tonya did not violate any law of the State of Texas and she is eager to have her day in court.”
Just guessing this might be one of the few times a bipartisan jury might agree otherwise.

SF  49ers reportedly talking to Mike Shanahan about coaching vacancy. Makes sense, after Dan Snyder in Washington,  49ers owner Jed York might seem almost normal


In Texas, a 20-year-old young woman who was acting as a designated driver New Year’s Eve for her sorority sisters was shot dead in an apparent road rage incident. Now a suspect has been arrested, and he is an active Marine. So how do you stop a “good guy” with a gun? ‪#‎ifonlythesisterswerearmed‬


Arkansas  Senator Tom Cotton, a Republican, endorsed Bernie Sanders in the Democratic Primary. Wonder which Democrat in Congress might respond by endorsing Rand Paul?

A California Sheriff’s Deputy, Mark Heath, who drove cross country on vacation this December was arrested along with two friends, allegedly with 250 lbs of marijuana and $11,000 cash that they planned to deliver in Pennsylvania. In Yuba County, Heath was part of a drug and gang task force. He has now been placed on leave. (And he couldn’t have driven the pot to Oregon?) ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬




Florida Atlantic University has officially fired James Tracy, a tenured professor who has publicly claimed the Sandy Hook killings were a hoax, and then feuded with parents of the victims. Good for them. But why do I think that there will no doubt be some who will be lining up to hire him?

Lowering the bar.

December 19, 2015

Florida announced that QB Will Grier. suspended until late in the 2016 season for PEDs, will transfer. Coach Jim McElwain said “this has been very difficult on him and obviously he is looking for a fresh start.” Obviously. Or at least more lax drug testing.

Martin Shkreli has tweeted out “I am confident I will prevail. The allegations against me are baseless and without merit.” Uh, has it occurred to Shkreli that the only people who don’t think he’s a complete scumbag are the same people who are plenty rich enough to get out of jury duty?

The first college bowl game – the Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl – was today was between Alcorn State and North Carolina A&T – Be honest. Who even knew those two schools had football teams?

Our symbol is not the barbed wire fence, it is the Statue of Liberty. ‪#‎DemDebate‬ ‪#‎OMalley‬ ‪#‎Stillwontwinbutnicelysaid‬

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”

Love Bernie Sanders but every time you see him talk you expect to hear him yell “You punks get off my lawn.” ‪#‎DemDebate‬

So Matt Cassell managed to throw an interception and get called for intentional grounding on the same play. ‪#‎NYJvsDAL‬ Somewhere Mark Sanchez is giggling. ‪#‎almostabuttfumble‬

#‎MartinOMalley‬ “Can I offer another generation’s perspective?” Not like millennials are watching, but if they were “you guys are all old.”


Obama met with families of those people killed in San Bernadino yesterday, and a local GOP supervisor criticizing him for it. saying the President should have met with the wounded too. The supervisor also accused Obama of “politicizing” the tragedy. And he said it with a straight face. ‪#‎cantwin‬


Tonight the ‪#‎DallasCowboys‬ were officially eliminated from the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing it.

Turkey time

November 26, 2015


The travel advisory says to avoid crowds. What fun is that?




So tomorrow is Black Friday.  When Americans who spent the day fighting with their relatives can use those newly honed skills to fight with their fellow shoppers over half-priced sweaters.

Police issued a court summons to a Russian man who with his son flew a drone over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade today, and the man is complaining ‘They thought I was a terrorist.”
Uh, considering the current climate, hope the summons includes a charge for criminal stupidity.

So Johnny Manziel has now been demoted to third string after he not only was seen partying in a video, but lied to his coaches about when the video was shot. Manziel is doing for the reputed intelligence of quarterbacks what Ben Carson is doing for neurosurgeons.

Washington has announced that CB Chris Culliver tore his ACL and will be out for the season, their 6th starter out for the year. Bummer. Makes it increasingly unlikely that the 4-6 Redskins will be the NFC East team that gets blown out in the first round of the playoffs.


So in honor of the day and their play today, should we temporarily rename them the Philadelphia Turkeys. ‪#‎Eagles‬ ‪#‎Lions‬

No NBA games on Thanksgiving. The league did, however, give Americans a holiday turkey early with the 76ers game.

There are rumors of Chip Kelly returning to college football. And he’s doing a great job of showing he can coach a CFB playoff level team.

76ers rookie Jahlil Okafor apparently knocked a guy out in a street fight in Boston last night. Of course Okafor should know better. But hey, it might be the only win he can remember this year.

A Portland hospital is apparently the first to offer nitrous oxide,aka laughing gas, as a pain medication during labor. Have to wonder, if they started doing this sooner, how much higher might the local birth rate be?

Happy Thanksgiving , or belated Thanksgiving, to all my readers.  You are the reason I do this and I am very grateful.  Seriously.  Now back to snark.

More solid for solidarity?

November 16, 2015

Forget diets. Maybe it’s time to show our solidarity with Paris by eating french fries? Lots of french fries.


The 1972 Miami Dolphins would have popped champagne tonight if they had actually realized the Bengals had still been undefeated.

The Indianapolis Colts, at 4-5 and 1-4 outside their division, are in line to host an NFL playoff game. Even NBA teams are thinking that’s crazy.

New prime minister Justin Trudeau has issued a directive to Canada’s justice minister to “create a federal-provincial-territorial process that will lead to the legalization and regulation of marijuana.”
Is there any way we can do a trade with our neighbors to the north. We want Trudeau, and we’ll send them Justin Bieber AND Ted Cruz?

The Dallas Cowboys, who signed Greg Hardy in the off-season despite him being unrepentant about a domestic violence conviction, are tied for the fewest victories in the NFL. Three words to that mean bitch Karma “You go girl!”

So what happens in these Red States if the Syrian refugees start saying they are fleeing Europe because of draconian gun regulations?

Michigan, Alabama, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana, Indiana and Illinois have all said now they won’t accept Syrian refugees. Because in those states, Americans already do a good enough job of killing each other?

President Obama has just ordered U.S. flags flown at half-staff until Thursday at sunset. Waiting for the GOP Presidential candidates to tell us why this is wrong.

I understand the urge to do something, anything, after senseless killings. But why are the same people who are demanding immediate changes after all the deaths in Paris so completely laissez-faire about mass shootings here in the U.S?

Open note to those saying now U.S. should only take Christian Syrian refugees. Uh, how exactly do you prove someone is or isn’t Christian?


To be fair, USA should know dangers of allowing foreign refugees. Had we just refused Cubans entry in 50s we wouldn’t have ‪#‎TedCruz‬ & ‪#Marco‎Rubio‬


Really, Bobby Jindal says he wants to refuse Syrian refugees? Stupid. Just send them all to New Orleans, a city with a well-deserved reputation for corrupting the devout. Give even potential terrorists a few weeks and they’ll be down in the French Quarter wearing beads and praying for Allah to help the Saints.


If you need any more proof of what a mess American politics has become, I give you this quote from John Boehner, talking about having to sneak into meetings with Obama. “Because if I went to the White House to see the president, the right would get all worked up, wondering what I was up to. The left gets all worked up, wondering what the president is up to. ‘What are these two going to do now?”

Sarah Palin, saying she “can’t wait” for her daughter Bristol to have her second baby, expressing “enormous admiration” for single parents, and adding “the cool thing about putting your faith in God, is he certainly is a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth chances.”
So exactly how many out-of-wedlock children is Bristol going to have?

Americans have notoriously short attention spans. But even so, hope the horrific events in Paris don’t get knocked from the front page by Charlie Sheen’s HIV status.



There is precedent for the sort of xenophobia we’re getting from some Americans today. Why when the IRA was doing horrible things to British civilians for decades U.S. naturally stopped immigration from Ireland…. Oh wait, never, mind.

From T.C.  “Justin Bieber is trying to put his past behind him by apologizing and acting more polished. To start, he will only bomb his neighbors houses with “cage free” eggs.”