Posted tagged ‘pence jokes’

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Hands up?

October 8, 2017

So who had the Alex Smith led #Chiefs as the last undefeated team in the NFL?  Now all of you liars put your hands down.

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Jerry Jones, players who “disrespect the flag” will be benched. Uh, the #Cowboys are 2-3. How about benching athletes who don’t play well

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To be fair, Jerry Jones probably figured he could bench half the Cowboys and still win their next game against the 49ers.

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Newton “My sarcasm, trying to give someone compliment turned in ways I never would’ve even imagined.” Note to Cam  -quit while you’re ahead.  Or at least not so far behind.

 

Offensive line coach for Dolphins seen snorting white powder. After shutout by Saints maybe he thought it was rare substance from end zone?

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From T.C.  A video has surfaced showing a Miami Dolphins asst coach snorting coke using a $20 bill. A Head Coach would have used a $100 bill, of course this was an offensive “Line Coach.”

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Stanford is #25, Utah is #23. If there were only a way to see them head-to-head and find out who’s really the better team. #NerdNation

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Senator Bob Corker refers to the White House as an “adult day care center.” Prompting immediate calls for an apology – from day care centers.

 

It’s understandable GOP so upset about Dems & Harvey Weinstein. Because they themselves were so quick to condemn Roger Ailes & Bill O’Reilly.

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Trump directed VP  Pence  to walk out KNOWING there would be protest & still sending him on military plane. @POTUS throwing our budget out of whack.

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Considering it’s been about 3 years since he went to a game wonder who told Mike Pence that @Colts were even playing at home Sunday

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Thinking however you feel about protests,  making taxpayers pay for Trump/Pence publicity stunt is more offensive and less American than NFL players kneeling.

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If people kneel in front of the flag at the White House will Donald Trump leave?

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Delta Airlines and United have issued a “Winter Weather waiver” for travelers to or through Denver tomorrow. Oct 9. But there’s no climate change…

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Clearly if you harass women & get caught you can’t run film company. You can only be elected President of United States. #Weinstein #Trump

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If liberal media covered up Weinstein bad behavior for years why didn’t #FoxNews break what would have been a bombshell story? #RogerAiles?

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What a waste. Half million dollars or so tax dollars @VP spent on his little publicity stunt would’ve paid for a weekend of Trump golfing.

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Comparison shopping

May 17, 2017

Tony Dungy compared Colin Kaepernick’s situation to what happened with Michael Vick after his release from prison, and Joe Mixon’s draft day fall.
Right, because kneeling on the sideline is as egregious to NFL coaches as killing dogs and hitting women? #WTF?

 

The way Lebron & Cavs are playing no one from Cleveland needed even to try to trip Isaiah Thomas.

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Lonzo Ball may refuse to work out for the Celtics, so set is he on playing for the Lakers. Even though the difference on a guaranteed rookie contract between the 1st and 2nd pick is over $2 million. Guess dad will have to up the price of those shoes.

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Mark Cuban says he would “love it” if LaVar Ball appeared on “Shark Tank.” Many Americans at this point would be equally happy if Lavar went into a shark tank. A real one.

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There’s a report that Moses Malone Jr. is suing James Harden, alleging that the Rockets’ star paid people to assault and rob Malone because he was upset about a Facebook post.
Crazy.  But reminds us of those not-so-distant days when the most insane stories were on the entertainment and sports pages?

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LaVar Ball said today now that if Nike, Under Armour or Adidas want to make a deal w/ him and his Big Baller Brand now,he has raised the asking price to $3 billion. You almost wonder if the guy is trying to prove he has enough ego to work in the Trump administration.

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John McCain was asked if he is ruling out any chance of impeachment. And he answered, apparently with a smile “The thought has not crossed my mind.”
Would have loved to see McCain asked if he likes Presidents who don’t get impeached.

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Trump leaves Friday, along w/ much of his inner circle, for his 1st foreign trip. Any way while he’s gone we can change White House locks?

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Google is launching “Google for Jobs,” a search feature for job seekers that will pull together job postings from all over the internet. Maybe they can beta-test it for staffers now in the White House?

So at this point Melania’s got to be wondering if she can get her deposit back on Barron’s DC area private school for 2017-18.

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John Kasich on Trump – “I hate to say I told you so …” Au contraire, I am pretty sure the Ohio governor LOVES to say “I told you so.”

 

Amazing to think that Mike Pence, who wasn’t even favored to win re-election in Indiana, could end up President of the US.  What a country.

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Trump has the ability to fire new special prosecutor #RobertMueller Too soon to start a pool on when he will?

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Putin “I have transcript of talks between Trump & Russia foreign ministers.” Doesn’t Vlad have transcripts of all WH talks?

 

Many turned on Obama quickly when he couldn’t accomplish everything they wanted. And Trump supporters still back him. #WTF?

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This is NOT my joke, a friend found it on Reddit by “Raevix.” But worth sharing: In answer to the question “Why will Congress never impeach Trump?”
“Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.”

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Out of bounds?

October 27, 2016

If the Raiders head to Las Vegas, Oakland still might not be without a team.  At this point Santa Clara/SF might ask them to “take our 49ers, please.”

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The NFL wonders why ratings are down. Lots of complicated hypotheses – but then there are simple answers – like tonight’s nationally televised game – Jaguars vs. Titans. #nobodycares

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Twitter is shutting down #Vine. Advantage of being slow to adopt new technologies, wait long enough & some of it disappears before you get around to it.

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#Twitter announced they are laying off 9% of their workers. Does this mean we’ll soon be down to 127 characters?

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Mike #Pence campaign plane skidded off runway at #LaGuardia. No details but pretty sure it didn’t veer to the left.#Trump

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Earlier today Mike Pence was asked if there was a “red line” Trump could cross that might cause him to leave the GOP ticket. His answer “We’re in this campaign and we’re in it to win,” Translation, “no.”

(Maybe Pence should have told his pilot about red lines on the runway?)

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A Texas A&M freshman was arrested after she allegedly opened her blouse to take a Snapchat picture to send to her boyfriend.  While allegedly drunk. And driving. Until she  crashed her car… into a police car.  No injuries. But another Darwin award #misseditbythatmuch

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More than $5 million worth of cocaine washed ashore in a tube in Ireland. Talk about a high tide.

 

The GOP is already promising blocked Supreme Court nominees and Congressional investigations if Hillary Clinton wins on Nov. 8. Or as President Obama calls it, business as usual.

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Ted Cruz’s latest “there is long historical precedent for a Supreme Court with fewer justices.” For such a self-described constitutionalist, Ted sure seems to have skipped the “advise and consent” part.

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Former Congressman Joe Walsh tweeted out “On November 8th, I’m voting for Trump. On November 9th, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket. You in?”
Ah yes, that GOP bridge to the 18th century.

 

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At Ohio rally today, @realDonaldTrump “we should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump.” Would be funnier if he were joking.

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Some reports on the Mike Pence plane semi-crash landing at La Guardia are that the plane was moving too fast in the rain, and overshot the runway. But hey so, it was only ordinary travelers who were delayed and taxpayer dollars will no doubt pay for the cleanup and investigation. #MakeAmericaGreatforBillionairesagain

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At Rapid City’s airport, a SkyWest Airlnes pilot was arrested for alleged DUI before he was scheduled to fly a plane. Will his defense be that he really aspired to work for Delta?

 

Donald Trump said today NBC’s releasing the Billy Bush tape “was “certainly illegal, no question about it.,” and indicated he might sue.
But of course all the Wikileaks emails involving Hillary Clinton are pure freedom of speech….

 

Kansas Rep. Joe Seiwert, commenting about singer Denasia Lawrence kneeling down before a basketball game “I’m so sick of these anti-American blacks, f–k Black Live Matter. Go back to where you claim home”
Thinking a whole lot of Native Americans are thinking, “Back at ya.”

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Sometimes you wonder why any sane person would ever go into politics. Here’s partial Wikileak quote from Huma Abedin on Hillary planning to speak about a Super Pac issue with Jeb Bush. “She’s going to stick to notes a little closer this am, still not perfect in her head”
Okay, I’ve only done a little speaking, but seems reasonable, when you don’t have something down cold, and you don’t want to make mistakes, you use notes. And conservative sites are saying “not perfect in her head” means she has an illness affecting her brain.

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One and done.

October 4, 2016

Whatever happens in NL Wild Card game, unlike Buck Showalter, Bruce Bochy won’t face questions about not using his superstar reliever; SF Giants don’t have one

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In WS game 7, #Bochy used his best starter to relieve for 5 innings, in do-or-die WC game #Showalter didn’t use best reliever for 1.

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Somewhere #JoeCarter is smiling #ALWildCard #BlueJays

Open note to @orioles fans. Watching a reliever in orange & black give up game-winning homer, we #SFGiants fans feel your pain. #ALWildcard

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Fans in Canada watching tonight’s AL Wild Card game had to be almost as happy as Canadians enjoying watching the U.S. Election. #notourproblem

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Kaine-Pence VP debate tonight “I’ll take two men who most Americans had never heard of and wouldn’t recognize on the street for $500, Alex.”

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Well, the VP candidates did accomplish one thing jointly -finishing up in time for us to see the end of #ALWildCard #VPDebate

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“A knockout blow in VP debate can make a major difference in the Presidential election” Former Vice President Lloyd Bentsen. #VPdebate

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One sure thing about tonight’s debate, if #MIkePence & #TimKaine were their party’s nominees, many comedy writers would be out of business.

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Who but me was waiting for #ElaineQuijano to go all Sister Mary Elephant in this debate? “Class. Class Class….” #VPDebate

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Has anyone checked Mike Pence’s hearing lately? He clearly hasn’t heard a word his running mate has said. #VPDebate

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Trump supporters are furious that Julian Assange didn’t release information today to damage Hillary Clinton’s campaign. So they were hoping that for a few days Wikileaks could offset Trump’s 3:00am tweets?

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Mike Pence sounded tonight like he’s been  paying as much attention to what Trump says you’d think Pence might be married to him.

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Pence just said of 16 million deportation plan, “that’s nonsense.” Yep, it is, & it was when your running mate @realDonaldTrump said it.

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Mike Pence “A society can be judged by how it deals with its most vulnerable.” Unless they are undocumented immigrants, women with unwanted pregnancies  or LGBTs.

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Pence talked about the sanctity of life. So if you’re absolutely pro-life how are you also pro-death penalty? #VPDebate

“He’s not a polished politician” Is that #MikePence‘s Trump “Get out of jail free” card? #VPDebate

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Odell Beckham Jr , complaining about being targeted by the league, “I just gotta know that it’s all against me.” Of course it might help if the Giants’ WR didn’t spend so much time and effort painting the bulls eye on his own back.

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While campaigning for Hillary, Bill Clinton referred to Obamacare as the “the craziest thing in the world.” So for all those comedy writers fearing that the end of the Trump campaign in November could mean a dearth of material, remember, Bill could be the gift that keeps on giving.

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So Americans who have quit following the election because it was all too over the top and absurd can now focus on more important things, like what Kim Kardashian was doing in Paris with $10 million in jewelry and minimal security.

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So since Kanye West is a self-proclaimed “genius” I presume he and Kim will be writing at least $10 million in losses off their future taxes?

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And back to sports with Bill Littlejohn, on Peyton Manning tobogganing down The Great Wall of China: “Are they opening a new Papa John’s in Inner Mongolia?”

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Round and round we go.

September 10, 2016

The Battle at Bristol gets the new record for most attendance at a NCAA football game at 155,690. What’s next, a game in Times Square where they sell SRO tickets?

 

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Many SF Giants were shocked to see an unaccustomed sight in the dugout tonight during the team’s 11-3 win over the Arizona Diamondbacks – smiles.

 

Did #Northwestern decide to stop playing Division 1 #FBS football last offseason and just not tell anyone?

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Millions of Americans dislike both #Trump & #Clinton & think choosing the lesser evil is tough – what about when #Yankees play #Dodgers?

 

ESPN commenting on how old US Open women’s champion @AngeliqueKerber is…. she is 28 years old.

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Not sure who will with the Willie Mac award for this year’s most inspirational SF Giant. But the award for the Giant most likely to drive fans to scream, cry and/or drink has to go either to Santiago Casilla or the manager who keeps putting him out there.

Two games for USC, two players ejected in 1st half each game: LT Chuma Edoga today for pushing an official, LB Jabari Ruffin last week for stomping on an opponent’s groin.
So maybe  coaches Sarkasian & Kiffin weren’t solely responsibly for all that Trojan embarrassment after all?

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Many of Hillary Clinton’s fundraisers are closed to the press, last night’s LGBT event WAS open to some media. And she said this – “To just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic — you name it,”
So was it a gaffe by a very cautious politician? Or a deliberate hand grenade tossed to set off an carefully-timed explosion?

 

Hillary has backed off the “half” of Trump’s supporters on the “basket of deplorables” line, but not the concept. As the old joke goes “We’ve already established that, now we’re haggling price.

 

Guessing @realDonaldTrump is furious at @HillaryClinton over #BasketofDeplorables – insulting millions of Americans is HIS job.

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Donald Trump yesterday “With Iran, when they circle our beautiful destroyers with their little boats and they make gestures at our people that they shouldn’t be allowed to make, they will be shot out of the water.” How Presidential of him.

 

Mike Pence “I think it’s inarguable that Vladimir Putin has been a stronger leader in his country than Barack Obama has been in this country. And that’s going to change the day that Donald Trump becomes president.”
So Trump’s first act is going to be to disband Congress?

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Happy Birthday, Mr President.

August 4, 2016

All of these emails today urging me to sign President Obama’s birthday card. Now saying “last chance” or “urgent.” Somehow I think he’ll get over not seeing my name.

 

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#‎SFGiants‬ got a runner on 3rd home with less than two out on a sacrifice fly today. Hope this isn’t a sign of apocalypse.

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And with his 10th inning game winning home run, can Giants call Denard’s hit a “Span over troubled water?”

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Paul Ryan says that Donald Trump has had a “strange” run since the Republican National Convention. In other news the speaker has announced that water is wet.

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Approval ratings for President Obama at 54%, highest of  his 2nd term. As most Americans realize how much they will miss him.

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It’s looking like this will be Alex Rodriguez’s last year. Wonder if other teams will start gifting A-Rod commemorative cushions for while he sits on the bench.

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Framingham State University in Massachusetts has canceled future Cinco de Mayo events after a student complained about the decorations and burrito bar “‘I feel as though whenever an event like this is taking place we go straight to stereotypes and it is EXTREMELY offensive!’
What’s next? Waiting for someone to complain that the 4th of July is offensive to those of British heritage.

 

Apparently a convoy of tourists in Afghanistan was attacked by the Taliban and at least six were injured. Shocking. There are tourists now in Afghanistan?

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An 11 year old boy in North Carolina asked Mike Pence  “I’ve been watching the news lately and I’ve been noticing lately that you’ve been kind of softening up on Mr. Trump’s policies and words. Is this going to be your role in the administration?”
This kid has more cojones than most journalists, can one of the networks sign him up?

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The man accused of killing nine African-Americans in a Charleston church was apparently attacked and beaten today by a fellow inmate in jail today. “I feel so sorry for him” said no one.

 

If someone had written a novel about @realDonaldTrump’s Presidential campaign it would have been rejected by editors as too unbelievable.

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#‎RussellWestbrook‬ reportedly deleted ‪#‎KevinDurant‬‘s farewell text to him. So “You had me at good bye?”

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A young man with “mental health issues” in London is apparently responsible for fatally stabbing one woman and injuring several other people. Can only imagine had he been in the US with access to guns.

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Sad, a knife attack in London has left 1 dead and several injured. A 19 year-old man is in custody. While terrorism remains a possibility,” the police say “mental health was a significant factor.”
“Mental health?” No race or religion to blame? Well, carry on then…

 

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From Gerry. W., a fee that could make airlines millions,  and that many travelers would actually  applaud:   http://www.cbc.ca/beta/comedy/funnystuff/air-canada-to-start-charging-for-emotional-baggage-in-2017-1.3631162

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Under pressure?

July 15, 2016

 

ESPN reports that the Yankees, at 44-44, are 38 losses away from their first under .500 season since 1992.
(No punchline, just with all the crap going on in the world I felt like sharing it.  And after tonight, 37.)

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Roger Goodell “I think all of us have evolved a little bit on the gambling. To me, where I cross the line is anything that can impact that integrity of the game.” “Integrity of the game?!” And Goodell said it with a straight face.

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Our long national nightmare is over: Tom Brady has announced he will “no longer proceed with the legal process,” and serve his four-game Deflategate suspension.

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‎GOP‬ ‪#‎TrumpPence‬ ticket has ‪#‎TP‬ logo. If some creative ‪#‎Dem‬ isn’t selling bathroom tissue by Monday, will be very disappointed in America

New slogan for @HillaryClinton – “Clinton 2016, because TP will just take America down the toilet.”

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Will ‪#‎MikePence‬ support right of Indiana businesses not to display that tightly interwoven TP logo on religious freedom grounds? ‪#‎TrumpPence‬

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With Mick Jagger having another child at the age of 72, how long before some company comes up with a combo pack of father-baby diapers?

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There has been an attempted military coup going on in Turkey and apparently at the moment “it is unclear who is in charge.”
Well, the same can often be said of Washington, D.C.

 

This is not a good weekend for Europe. But have to wonder, just how upset is Donald Trump that events have overtaken his VP selection for headline news?

 

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Looking at the Emmy nominations makes me feel old- I remember when network shows actually got nominated.

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So now we have this new summer “Black Friday” and all these announced sales? For what reason, because somehow Americans don’t have enough stuff? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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Newt Gingrich, in a last ditch attempt to overtake Mike Pence on the crazy train to be Trump’s running mate: We should “test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,”
Of course, those who are anti-minority, anti-gay and/or anti-women for “Western” reasons, well, not only should they not be deported but heaven forbid we stop them being armed.

 

 

Jeb Bush, in an op-ed today in the Washington Post said some in the GOP were “making us seem anti-immigrant, anti-woman, anti-science, anti-gay, anti-worker and anti-common-sense.”
SEEM????!

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A solution to voter apathy?

July 13, 2016

So imagine what turnout could be in November if we put ‪#‎Pokestops‬ in voting booths. #‪#‎PokemonGO‬

 

At Stanford Shopping Center in California, a roving security robot allegedly ran over a toddler’s foot and knocked the child down. Was the robot texting at the time?

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So the MLB All-Star Game is over, and now we again realize that after a voting process many people didn’t take very seriously, the result actually counts. Sort of like the GOP primary.

 

Tim Duncan, in talking about his retirement from the NBA, said he could “probably still play, but “It wasn’t fun at times. And I always said when that point comes when it’s not fun anymore then I’m done.”
And many of the 76ers, Knicks and Kobe’s ex-teammates,  for starters,  said “You mean it’s supposed to be fun?”

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NBA commissioner Adam Silver just said that Kevin Durant going to the Warriors is “not ideal from a league standpoint.” Well, I’m sure that makes the Lakers feel so much better about their 2011 vetoed trade for Chris Paul.

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In Nashville, a man had his face covered with toilet paper while he robbed a store. Witnesses said he appeared a little flushed.

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The College Football Playoff is considering moving the semifinals from Dec. 31. “”We’re thinking about if New Year’s Eve is the way to go.”
Uh let’s see, last year’s Orange and Cotton Bowl semi-finals on Dec. 31 had 38.5 & 36.5 % drops in ratings from the year before. What was their first clue?

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Interesting to see how many Republicans are upset by GInsburg’s anti-Trump comments and want her to recuse herself in cases going forward. Of course, these are the same people who wanted Scalia to recuse himself when his son was working for the firm George W. hired for Bush vs. Gore. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

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Forget what she thinks of Trump, now that the 2nd US Circuit Court has denied Tom Brady’s appeal, we really need to know what Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks of the Patriots.

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Indiana Gov. Mike Pence is on Trump’s VP short list. Before anyone gets the sense that the Donald is considering getting off the crazy train, remember that in 2012 then congressman Pence likened the Supreme Court’s ruling upholding the Democratic health care law to 9-11.

 

As Trump decides on  his running mate, has anyone told Donald unlike marriage, he can’t just trade his choice in later on a younger model?

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Trump apparently will announce his VP pick Friday. “It’s a little bit like ‘The Apprentice,” said Newt Gingrich, “You find out sooner or later who the last one standing is.”
Forget “The Apprentice,” isn’t it more like ‘Last Comic Standing.”?

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The GOP is reportedly $6 million short of the $64 million fundraising goal they had for the convention next week in Cleveland. Can’t Trump get Mexico to pay for it?

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Another reason Tim Duncan might have waited until this week to retire – it was too late for him to have to been “honored” at the ESPYs.

 

 

But the best of the ESPYs, if that’s not an oxymoron, was a great speech, seriously, from Craig Sager, diagnosed with terminal leukemia, “I’ve run with the bulls in Pamplona. I’ve raced with Mario Andretti in Indianapolis. I have climbed the Great Wall of China. I have jumped out of aeroplanes over Kansas. I have wrestled gators in Florida. I have sailed the ocean with Ted Turner. I swam with the oceans in the Caribbean. And I have interviewed Gregg Popovich, mid-game, Spurs down seven..
If I have learned anything through all of this, it is that each and every day is a canvas waiting to be painted, an opportunity for love, for fun, for living, for learning.”

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