Posted tagged ‘Yankees jokes’
January 25, 2018
NBA wants to be a partner in legalizing sports gambling, for a 1% cut on every bet made. Well, that ought to do wonders with those who think sport is fixed.
Gregg Popovich & Lebron James chatted and shared a postgame embrace after Spurs win over Cavs. No word on what they discussed but if Kawhi REALLY wants out, suppose San Antonio could do worse for a replacement.
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Elton John announcing he will retire after three-year farewell tour. “Three YEAR farewell tour, you mean we could have done that” said Yankess & Derek Jeter?
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Top three beers in the US are now Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Lite. Only things getting less light are Americans.
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A day after it happened. someone finally shamed into acknowledging yesterday’s school shooting. If killer were Muslin or immigrant he’d have been on it in 15 minutes.
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Trump to unveil immigration plan on Monday. For those who don’t like it, no doubt he will disavow plan by Tuesday.
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President Donald Trump says he’s “looking forward” to being interviewed by special counsel Robert Mueller. Can we put it on pay-per-view? Might go a way towards fixing national debt.
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McConnell wants Senate to vote on a bill criminalizing abortion after 20 weeks. Good thing at least these pro-lifers are also so pro-healthcare and welfare for low-income mothers. Oh wait…. never mind.
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Will we tell our children & grandkids some day “I’m so old I remember when the USA was actually respected in the world?”
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As Trump jets off to Davos, wonder if Melania is googling looking for a weekend service that can change the locks.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: gambling jokes, Janice Hough, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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December 9, 2017
If Yankees win 2018 World Series will they vote Jeter a playoff share?
So too soon to investigate former Yankee Derek Jeter for possible collusion?#Stanton
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Maybe it’s time to rename them the Flori-duh Marlins.
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If you already rooted against @Yankees then it’s not sour grapes if you start rooting against Stanton right? @SFGiants
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Ohtani claimed he wanted a small market team. So will LA revert to calling themselves the Anaheim Angels?
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United and Delta now doing basic economy fares on transatlantic flights. Because international flights weren’t fun enough without bargain-hunting families with children getting assigned to all middle seats and then trying to bug other people on the plane to switch with them.
As a candidate @realDonaldTrump mocked a disabled reporter. Last night he mocked a sexual assault victim. Make America Gross Again? #MAGA
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At Trump’s first White House Hanukkah Party, did he tell them Christmas is back, bigger and better than ever?
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At least one of the women who came forward about Roy Moore has been receiving death threats. And some still wonder why women don’t speak out.
We’ve gone from Senate candidate who dated children to congressman who wanted staffers to have his children. Can see why GOP is family values party.
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Trump attacks @CNN after date error for being Fake News. But crickets on @FoxNews having to rescind the Roy Moore yearbook forgery story.
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After Friday’s rally and ‘Lock her up” chants in Pensacola maybe the rest of Florida wants to secede from the Panhandle?
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Fox News ranted about about acquittal in Kate Steinle case. Where’s their outrage on what seems much more egregious Daniel Shaver case?
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What a world, many mass shootings & GOP still supports all gun owners. But idea that one #MeToo allegation might be false to them discredits all women.
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More snow in Atlanta. Maybe someone shouldn’t have said hell would freeze over before the GOP endorsed a pro-slavery child molester for Senate.
GOP absolutely will fight for female baby’s right to be born so she can grow up & then be mocked & derided when she complains about sexual assault. #Prolifemyass
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: giancarlo jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, roy moore jokes, Stanton jokes, Yankees jokes
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October 7, 2017
SF Giants may have just lost the title of “Most Complete Bullpen Meltdown in Recent Playoff History.” #Yankees #ALDS
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On the other hand, the Indians may never lose again.
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Aroldis Chapman “liked” Instagram comment saying that Yankees mgr Joe Girardi was an”imbecile.” Ah for the good old days when players just whined off-the-record to reporters.
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Right about now a whole lot of AL teams, including Red Sox would sign a petition to move the Houston Astros back to the NL #ALDS
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NHL’s Jiri Hudler accused of trying to urinate on food cart, demanding cocaine on Delta flt. Who says hockey players aren’t real athletes?
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Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack
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Apparently Vegas killer tried buying legal tracer ammunition, which lights up when shot. Hunters really need more of advantage against deer?
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Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack
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This is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. This year, Canada is thankful they can mostly avoid President Trump.
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So current GOP plan is to deny women birth control & then be out of office when unplanned babies grow up to vote Democratic?
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If Harvey Weinstein was a Trump supporter all of his harassment would have been dismissed as “locker room banter.
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I’m liberal & condemn Harvey Weinstein. Why can’t conservatives condemn pussy-grabber-in-chief?
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When Trump said he was going to drain the swamp he didn’t tell us all the new alligators would be flying in on private planes.
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As Trump gets rid of birth control mandate assume govt will still provide to staffers so Congress won’t have abortion issues w/ mistresses?
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Can a woman-owned company pls file lawsuit saying they feel it’s morally wrong to cover Viagra prescriptions for unmarried men?
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Does Trump know efforts to undo EVERY single Obama action will someday give another President Carte Blanche to undo all of his?
Open notes to @realDonaldTrump on NewOrleans. A) Mayor Landrieu is popular, B) some speak French or Creole but part of US, C)-not an island
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, playoff jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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July 15, 2016
ESPN reports that the Yankees, at 44-44, are 38 losses away from their first under .500 season since 1992.
(No punchline, just with all the crap going on in the world I felt like sharing it. And after tonight, 37.)
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Roger Goodell “I think all of us have evolved a little bit on the gambling. To me, where I cross the line is anything that can impact that integrity of the game.” “Integrity of the game?!” And Goodell said it with a straight face.
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Our long national nightmare is over: Tom Brady has announced he will “no longer proceed with the legal process,” and serve his four-game Deflategate suspension.
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GOP #TrumpPence ticket has #TP logo. If some creative #Dem isn’t selling bathroom tissue by Monday, will be very disappointed in America
New slogan for @HillaryClinton – “Clinton 2016, because TP will just take America down the toilet.”
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Will #MikePence support right of Indiana businesses not to display that tightly interwoven TP logo on religious freedom grounds? #TrumpPence
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With Mick Jagger having another child at the age of 72, how long before some company comes up with a combo pack of father-baby diapers?
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There has been an attempted military coup going on in Turkey and apparently at the moment “it is unclear who is in charge.”
Well, the same can often be said of Washington, D.C.
This is not a good weekend for Europe. But have to wonder, just how upset is Donald Trump that events have overtaken his VP selection for headline news?
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Looking at the Emmy nominations makes me feel old- I remember when network shows actually got nominated.
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So now we have this new summer “Black Friday” and all these announced sales? For what reason, because somehow Americans don’t have enough stuff? #sarcasm
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Newt Gingrich, in a last ditch attempt to overtake Mike Pence on the crazy train to be Trump’s running mate: We should “test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,”
Of course, those who are anti-minority, anti-gay and/or anti-women for “Western” reasons, well, not only should they not be deported but heaven forbid we stop them being armed.
Jeb Bush, in an op-ed today in the Washington Post said some in the GOP were “making us seem anti-immigrant, anti-woman, anti-science, anti-gay, anti-worker and anti-common-sense.”
SEEM????!
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, Goodell jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, pence jokes, tp jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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May 8, 2016
It takes some work to make Canadians angry. But Dwyane Wade managed to do it, by taking warm up shots during the Canadian national anthem. On the other hand, the Raptors, who sometimes seem to have trouble getting fired up, won the game. So maybe Wade should keep up the “Oh Canada” shooting.
Major league teams are selling today’s Mother’s Day equipment and uniforms to raise money for breast cancer research. Although the SFGiants. who lost 2-0, and were 0-6 with runners in scoring position, won’t be able to market them as actual “game-used” bats.
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An unknown person in New Jersey has won the $429 million Powerball lottery. His or her first act with the winnings will no doubt be to move out of New Jersey.
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Americans apparently spend over $21 billion on Mother’s Day. Wow. To be fair, at least $1 billion of that must be spent by players in the NBA.
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#Hawks have now joined the #Braves in making #Atlanta fans really look forward to the #Falcons.
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The Yankees are in last place and worse, ticket sales are way down. Not sure what the team will do. Maybe they can sign Kobe Bryant for a one year contract so he can sit the bench and do a baseball version of his farewell tour?
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Ted Cruz apparently feels now that he could have stopped Donald Trump, if Marco Rubio had only agreed to become his running mate in March. Got news for Ted, the bottom half of the ticket wasn’t why Americans “Just Said No” to him.
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Former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer said she’d be willing to be Donald Trump’s running mate. Waiting for Hillary Clinton to second that choice in female solidarity.
Sarah Palin on Paul Ryan “His political career is over.” Well, #takesonetoknowone
Mississippi State has confirmed that a student died when he fell off of the football stadium Jumbotron at 1:30am Saturday morning. Sad, but just guessing alcohol gets an assist on this Darwin award.
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To save money, Dropbox is apparently cutting back on some of its perks. The company is pushing free dinner from 6pm to 7pm, and limiting guests to five a month. #Getouttheviolins
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David Maloney is an Alabama attorney who has run commercials talking about how he turns out down drunk drivers as clients. ” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you drink and you drive and you hurt someone, don’t call me. I’m not going to represent you, I’m not going to help you. If anything, I’m going to be the lawyer going after you.”
Maloney was arrested this weekend in Florida. For alleged DUI. Well, guess he won’t be one of those fools who has himself for a client. #meanbitchkarmahasacousinhubris
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Atlanta jokes, Canada jokes, hba jokes, Janice Hough, mothers day jokes, Powerball jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 1, 2016
Toronto Raptors’ Kyle Lowry on today’s game 7. “This is like our Super Bowl, win or go home.” Uh, so maybe Lowry isn’t a big NFL fan, but has someone told him after the Super Bowl both teams go home?
The New York Yankees, at 8-15, are in the cellar of the AL East. No punchline, I just like writing it.
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So wait a minute, there are no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs but one in the NBA playoffs? Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.
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The White House has put forward proposals to make it easier for federal, state and local agencies to buy “smart guns” that only operate for certain users. The NRA is of course against it, saying the concept is “unproven” and “causes us great concern”. Because of course nothing ever goes wrong now with stolen law enforcement guns. #sarcasm
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Some are already grading this year’s NFL draft picks by team. Yep, the same experts who had this year’s Super Bowl between the Seahawks or Packers, and the Colts or the Patriots.
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Congrats to #MaliaObama who will be attending #Harvard. Wonder if that means she didn’t get into #Stanford?
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Donald Trump, going after Hillary last week called her “one of the all time great enablers.” Of course, Trump’s wives are never enablers, he just trades them in for younger models first.
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Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself petting a tiger while the big cat was on a leash. Ok, be honest, how many other people were hoping for an equipment malfunction?
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Another thought about this bathroom insanity. Something like 90% of children who are sexually abused, are abused by someone they know. So where are the fear mongers about friends and relatives taking children into bathrooms?
Talking with friends yesterday after the Correspondents dinner, mentioned that I once wrote a joke that made then Senator Obama laugh. They suggested I post it.
In 2007 was able to meet him briefly on a rope line.
Said, “Senator, people say you’re the rock star of the Democratic party, but you’re too young to be president. But I’m looking at these concert tours for the Who, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones. And thinking you’re plenty old enough to be President. But you are not old enough to be a rock star.”
(he not only laughed he said I might be right, and he had all their records.)
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, Janice Hough, NHL jokes, Obama jokes, raptors jokes, Toronto jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 4, 2016
Ah yes, March Madness, when the bracket you actually thought about had UNC to win it all, and you suddenly jump up to 92nd percentile on the bracket where you just picked cats. #Villanova #Wildcats
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But come on, while CBS has the rights, the NCAA men’s championship game tonight was broadcast on… TBS? Sounds like the network is taking college basketball as seriously as the one-and-done players.
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SF Giants’ flight to Milwaukee was delayed over six hours yesterday. Hmm, maybe a little travel stress is better than batting practices for their hitters?
(12-3 win, with back-to-back-to-back home runs)
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Happy #SFGiants Opening Day. It’s partly cloudy about 60 degrees with a high of 68 in SF today, it’s 32 degrees with snow flurries and a high of 40 in Milwaukee. So who drew up this schedule anyway? #baseballshouldnotopenindoors
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Meanwhile, the Yankees-Astros opening game in New York was postponed today due to weather. What a shame. Too bad neither of these teams plays in a warm weather area. Oops, never mind.
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So with all these states talking about religious freedom, how long until some files a lawsuit demanding freedom FROM religion over “God Bless America” being played at so many MLB games?
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Congrats to #LosAngelesRams for winning their 1st pre-season game today against #SDChargers 15-0. Oh wait, never mind. #Dodgers #Padres
Even as a #SFGiants fan I must admit, when you give #Kershaw 15 runs he gives you a pretty good chance to win.
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So both the Indians and Yankees home openers were postponed due to weather. Meaning a lot of fans in Cleveland and New York will be trying to explain how that 24 hour flu is lingering a bit longer.
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The Oakland A’s Sonny Gray has been scratched for his opening night start due to food poisoning, this after he was hospitalized last year with salmonella. The A’s don’t just need a pitching coach, they need a food taster.
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The Raiders have signed Aldon Smith, who is currently serving a 1-year suspension for substance abuse, and has five arrests since he joined the NFL in 2011 – “I think in his heart he’s a good young man” Raiders coach Jack Del Rio.”
Now, wishing Smith the best, but it’s amazing how your chances of being considered “a good young man” go up when you’re a star pass-rusher.
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DE Greg Hardy was convicted of domestic violence in 2014, and pictures showed his ex-girlfriend with multiple bruises, but the case was overturned when the woman stopped cooperating with police. Now, Hardy said in an ESPN interview.”I’ve never put my hand on any women.” Even Bill Cosby is thinking this sounds disingenuous..
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New airlines excuse for the day. JetBlue flight delayed last night from New York to SF….because they put the WRONG FUEL in the plane? So apparently they had to drain it and refuel. Your move, United.
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In the 2016 Airline Quality Rating, Spirit Airlines led U.S. carriers in customer complaints. They might have had more, but given that it’s Spirit they probably charge passengers to complain.
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The Huffington Post is reporting Charles Koch is confident Paul Ryan could be the GOP Presidential nominee if Trump doesn’t get enough delegates. Well, and I am sure the Donald and his supporters will take that gracefully. #passthepopcorn
Electric automaker says they have had delayed deliveries of their Model S and X this quarter because of part shortages caused by “Tesla’s hubris.” Hmm, I thought the hubris was reserved for Tesla owners.
Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, March madness jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, March madness jokes, MLB jokes, Opening day jokes, SFGiants jokes, villanova jokes, Voodcate ddoo caat does appr, Yankees jokes
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March 23, 2016
A new Harris study says that Americans drink more when they are happy and celebrating than when they are stressed and having bad days. Which does not quite explain beer sales over the years at Wrigley Field.
Carmelo Anthony says that Syracuse is going to beat Gonzaga on Friday: “We’re going to win. We’re going to the Elite 8.” Wonder if the 2016 Knicks could make it to the Elite 8.
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Aaron Rodgers says he saw a UFO in New Jersey in 2005. Is he sure it wasn’t one of Eli Manning’s rookie year passes?
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Conrad Dobler, 65, a retired NFL offensive guard, said in an interview talking about his memory loss. “I have six kids, I don’t even know their names.”
Sad, but in the NFL there are young men without CTE who don’t even know how many kids they HAVE.
The JetBlue flight attendant who fled a security checkpoint after being caught trying to smuggle 70lb of cocaine in her carry-on bag has turned herself in. Still trying to wrap my head around that 70 lbs – and I thought my purse was heavy.
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After playing the Cuban national team the Tampa Bay Rays’ plane had mechanical issues and was stuck on the tarmac for hours in Havana. So the U.S. players must have felt right at home.
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Forbes says the New York Yankees are the most valuable team in baseball, now at a $3.4 billion valuation. Imagine what they’d be worth with real playoff revenue again.
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A-Rod told ESPN.com today that “I won’t play after next year.” Later he told the NY Daily News that after his contract ends in 2017, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
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Lebron James said on the A&M comeback over UNI: “I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa, I would quit.”
Hmm, because that loss was almost as embarrassing as getting swept by the Spurs in the the 2007 NBA finals? #stayclassy
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At Stanford Shopping Center in California, an off-duty police officer working security for a business accidentally left his gun in a restroom. Fortunately it was found and turned in by another security guard. Bringing to mind another question – how do you stop a stupid guy with a gun?
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In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old girl who says she didn’t even know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby in her bathroom. Fortunately the child is doing well. Got to love that “abstinence only” education.
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Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz. And Cruz must be so thrilled to have such a winner on his team.
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Donald Trump is apparently furious at Ted Cruz for using a scantily-clad picture of Melania from her model days in a campaign ad. Hmm, well, if that upsets him so much am sure the Democrats will honor Trump’s wishes and never post any of those pictures in the general election.
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One thing is pretty certain out of this Cruz-Trump fight over pictures of their spouses. Pretty sure even the Donald wouldn’t have the stomach to post pictures of a nearly naked Bill Clinton.
Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are calling for extra surveillance of Muslim-Americans. But if you look at recent terrorist acts – there is another link that is even stronger- almost all the killers were relatively young men. So maybe what we REALLY need to do is start seriously monitoring men between the ages of 18-35.
Categories: airline jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Clinton jokes, Cruz jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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February 18, 2016
How can you not love the SF Giants’ Matt Duffy. Or at least his cat Skeeter?
the caption from duffcat35 –
“said goodbye to Matty this morning. Season, here we come! #evenyear #springtraining #arizona #duffman #duffcat
Most #SFGiants fans were unhappy to see Pablo Sandoval leave but this year they have to be thrilled to have Matt Duffy, a 3rd baseman who is not only younger and about $18.5 million a year cheaper, but whose only weight issues belong to his cat.
It just gets better. Now Yankees COO Lonn Trost says he doesn’t like fans who paid retail selling tickets cheaply on sites like Stubhub: “It’s not that we don’t want that fan to sell it, but that fan is sitting there having paid a substantial amount of money for a ticket and (another) fan picks it up for a buck-and-a-half and sits there, and it’s frustrating to the purchaser of the full amount. And quite frankly, the fan may be someone who has never sat in a premium location. So that’s a frustration to our existing fan base.”
Clearly, they need a violin section to fill those premium empty seats….#thehumanity
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Coach Mike Krzyzewski says he will still coach the U.S. Olympic team, despite planned knee replacement surgery after the NCAA season is over. Hmm, thought the only active big name in basketball old enough for knee replacement surgery was Tim Duncan.
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Colts linebacker Jonathan Newsome was arrested near Indianapolis last night and JAILED over two counts of marijuana possession. Add another to the list of potential free agents who want to sign with the Denver Broncos.
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Adele said “‘I cried pretty much all day” after the Grammys. Maybe she can write a song about the experience.
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With this Apple/San Bernadino thing I think I’ve figured out many Americans’ approach to privacy – the government should do everything necessary to keep me safe, as long as it doesn’t involve my own personal information.
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The Tax Policy Center analyzed Ted Cruz’s proposed 10% flat tax and said not only would it favor the wealthy, but it would cost the country $8.6 trillion over a decade. Waiting for Cruz to respond that numbers have a liberal bias.
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Thinking Will Rogers never met #DonaldTrump or #TedCruz.
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Pope Francis on Trump. “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian,” Going to be fun now to see the Donald attack the Pope.
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Walmart is giving all their employees pay raises this year, so the average full-time worker will make $13.38. (about $25,000 a year.) Part-timers will get an an average hourly wage of $10.58. They say it will cost them $1.6 billion for their 1.4 million workers.
By comparison Walmart’s top 6 executives make a combined total of $76 million….
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After a DNA test, Bristol Palin has apparently conceded in a custody and support battle that former fiance Dakota Meyer is the father of her 2 month old daughter. So how many options were there? #abstinenceambassador
Sandra Day O’Connor, who thinks Obama should nominate a new Supreme Court judge, and the Senate confirm him or her. “We need somebody in there to do the job and just get on with it.”
Three words “You go girl.”
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As the conspiracy theories fly on Scalia, the Borowitz Report once again has it right: “The only suspect I have definitively ruled out is Mitch McConnell,” a leading conspiracy theorist said. “No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where he accomplished something.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, Pope jokes, SF Giants jokes, spring training jokes, Trump jokes, Walmart jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 6, 2015
As pundits begin to opine on 2015 #MLBPostseason, remember, there were 10 teams in the playoffs last year. The #10 seed was the #SFGiants
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The Yankees may be out of the playoffs, but they did accomplished something amazing this postseason: Got California sports fans rooting for a team from Texas. #Astros
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The Royals are good, the Blue Jays might be better. But today got to love this quote from when Astros’ GM Jeff Luhnow hired Stanford grad A.J. Hinch to manage the team, on Sept 29, 2014 “I think A.J. is going to be the manager that’s going to be here when we win the World Series.”
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DraftKings pulled its advertising from ESPN today after questions arose about possible insider trading at the company. Fantasy football could be fixed? It’s enough to make you long for the purity of pro wrestling.
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I think I would have liked her. An 85 year old woman who passed away in NJ had the following obit in a local paper
“Devoted wife, mother, and grandmother, and lifelong Yankees fan Helen (Emanuel) Fowler, 85, passed away on Sept. 29, 2015, at the Chelsea in Fanwood, N.J. Mrs. Fowler was a former member of the Cranford First Aid Squad and a lifelong Yankees fan, with the exception of Alex Rodriguez.”
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The NY Mets’ Matt Harvey, who talked about shutting it down this season to save his arm, today missed a mandatory team workout. Is Harvey trying to show he’s a big enough prima donna to compete with players in the NFL?
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Many gun rights legislators like to point out that cars can be dangerous too. And then presuming they have insurance and a driver’s license, they get into their air-bag equipped cars, fasten their seat belts and drive the speed limit to vote against gun control.
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“Community College of Philadelphia on lockdown after gun report.” Police have arrested a suspect and no one was actually shot this time. But this is getting to be way too much of a “fill-in-the-name-of-the-school” headline.
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So I sometimes wonder, if natural disasters in Blue states are God’s wrath against immoral behavior, what are natural disasters in Red states? Thanks Michele Bachmann for clearing this up in a tweet today about the flooding in the South: “US turns its back on Israel, disasters following” #NottheOnion
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In 2013, Senator Lindsey Graham voted against a federal bailout of NJ after Hurricane Sandy. So of course he would never dream of asking for federal emergency relief after Hurricane Joaquin hit South Carolina. Oops, wait….never mind. (He did say state officials would be “judicious” with the money.
#hypocrite)
Guess Ben Carson is bound and determined not to concede any of the crazy vote to Donald Trump. And he said it YESTERDAY. “I never saw a body with bullet holes that was more devastating than taking the right to arm ourselves away.”
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Ben Carson now saying, had he been in Oregon, he would have attacked the shooter. And the rest of the GOP field would no doubt today be eulogizing him.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Janice Hough, Lindsey Graham jokes, Mets jokes, MLB jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 23, 2015
Martin Shkreli, who announced plans to raise the price of an AIDS drug from $13,50 to $750 a pill, is CEO of Turing Technologies. Not sure how he named the company, but oddly enough, the “Turing test” is a test of a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligent behavior equivalent to, or indistinguishable from, that of a human.
Shkreli failed.
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The CEO of Volkswagen has resigned. Guessing soon he’ll have the rare opportunity to be making license plates for his own cars.
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A DC man has started a Change.org petition “Dear Pope Francis. Our Metro system is having some troubles. All of DC would be grateful if you could find the time to bless it during your upcoming stay. Maybe a Papal Blessing is just what it needs.”
Hmm, any chance he could also have the Pope bless Congress?
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The Blue Jays won tonight to push their AL East lead over the Yankees to 3.5 game. So how long until some GOP candidate blames a potential Toronto win on Obama’s failure to maintain American supremacy?
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Anne Hathaway says now that it was hard to be taken seriously as an actress after “The Princess Diaries.” Just thinking she’s not going to get too much sympathy from her co-star Julie Andrews.
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Donald Trump says Fox News has been treating him “very unfairly”, and he’s done appearing on Fox News shows for the “foreseeable future.” Well, to be fair, the Donald is really a better fit for Comedy Central.
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Mike Huckabee said today that President Obama is just “pretending to be a Christian. I’m thinking at this point that Huckabee is just pretending to be a plausible human being.
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Now it’s #Adrianza who joins #Belt and #Aoki on the #SFGiants concussion list. Who expected #Giants to have more concussions than #49ers?
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Well, at this point if the #SFGIants ended up in the post season they probably couldn’t field a healthy 25 man roster.
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The SF Chronicle is reporting that the SF Board of Supervisors is about to pass an ordinance that would make “strict enforcement of stop signs for cyclists the lowest priority for the SFPD”
And many cyclists in San Francisco are thinking “What stop signs?”
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QB Colin Kaepernick, praising new SF coach Tomsula, says that this year is “a comfort zone for me. It’s a situation where I’m not being asked to do things outside of my character.”
Because Jim is a nice guy, or because the 49ers have designs on drafting high enough to get Jared Goff?
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A terminal in Amsterdam’s Schiphol airport was evacuated over what turned out to be an iPhone in a gun shaped case. Not sure what the owner of the phone will be charged with, but assume included will be felony criminal stupidity.
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R.I.P Yogi Berra. Nobody goes to heaven anymore, it’s too crowded.
Another sad thing for some about the death of #YogiBerra. We can probably retire the phrase “Beloved #Yankee.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: blue jays jokes, Huckabee jokes, Janice Hough, Pope jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes, Yogi berra jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 12, 2015
Apparently Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has to take SATs before she applies to U.S. colleges. Well, duh, not like Malala is something important like a football or basketball player.
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Donald Trump is unhappy about Ben Carson questioning his “fear of the Lord,” and said “you don’t hit a person on faith.” Uh, okay, would the Donald like to tell that to his supporters? A recent PPP poll found 66% of respondents who support Trump believe that Obama is Muslim.
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It’s been since 1993 since a Canadian team won the NHL Stanley Cup. And since a Canadian team won the World Series. Who’d a thunk that the most likely drought to be over soon would be in baseball? #BlueJays
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There were chants of USA! USA! USA! during game one of the Yankee-Blue Jays doubleheader at Yankee Stadium. Maybe Toronto’s sweep was karma’s way of saying “Stay classy, New York.”
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Sadly fitting. Nationals reliever Drew Storen ended his season by breaking his thumb slamming his locker in frustration after a loss Wednesday. Washington season-ticket holders have to wish they had the same option.
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Wait a minute. Jacksonville State isn’t even in Florida but in Alabama? This geography stuff is so confusing. #JaxState #Auburn
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Apparently Aldon Smith turned down more money from other teams to stay in the SF Bay Area with the Raiders. Because Smith is already on a first name basis with most of the local police?
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Do they award Darwin awards to businesses? If so, Zales Jewelers just locked up the award for the year. With a 9/11 sale. No joke. And they even instead of “Remember, Rebuild, Renew” used “Renew, Reset, Restyle” on their brochures. #youreallycannotmakethisstuffup
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Now departed United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek has a golden parachute of that could top $20 million, including $5 million in cash. Along with free first class travel for life on United. Too late to start a petition to United to demand he fly coach?
Can we at least hope all flight attendants recognize him and give Smisek the fine service he so richly deserves?
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A Catholic woman wanted Office Depot to print 500 copies of an anti-abortion flier that talked about the “evil that has been exposed in Planned Parenthood and in the entire abortion industry.” They refused and invited her to use the self-serve copy machines.
Now she’s claiming religious discrimination. Once again, it’s only discrimination when they disagree with YOUR religion
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Stanford-UCF started at 730p Pacific Time. 1030pm Eastern. Forget the fact that the Golden Knights were probably tired, we’re talking University of Central FLORIDA. Figure most of the UCF alums were in bed by kick off.
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Apparently Jason Pierre-Paul’s injury in a fireworks accident is worse than originally thought. The NY Giants’ DE lost not only his right index finger, but also fractured his thumb, needed skin grafts and is missing part of another finger. And he may be out for the entire season, or more. So not only #cantfixstupid, you can’t always surgically repair it either.
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Tags: Janice Hough, MLB jokes, Nationals jokes, Trump jokes, United jokes, Yankees jokes
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August 30, 2015
Before today’s game against the Dodgers, the Cubs announced plans to wear pajamas on the flight back to Chicago. Wonder how many other contending teams are suddenly looking on Amazon for pjs that can be delivered overnight.
(Such a pajama party wouldn’t happen with the Red Sox. Between Panda, Oritiz and Machi, the team couldn’t find enough in their size.)
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The Los Angeles Dodgers have been no-hit twice in nine days. No punchline. I just admit to like writing it.
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The Little League World Series championship game was 13-11 after three innings. Did someone forget to bring the humidor? #LLWS
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Obama on Monday is going to restore Mt McKinley’s name to Denali. Waiting for the first GOP candidate to complain about the President trying to curry favor with foreigners.
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A study in China found greater longevity for people who most frequently ate hot and spicy foods. Pass the Habanero Tabasco – I’m gonna live forever.
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Washington has apparently had trade talks about RGIII. Shocking. Some team at this point might actually want him?
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Bobby Jindal said legal immigrants need to immediately “learn English, adopt our values, roll up our sleeves and get to work.” Okay, shouldn’t that also apply to people who are born here?
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Despite internet rumors, James Earl Jones has not died. So “Luke, I am STILL your father.”
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Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia says a picture of him with what appears to be a joint on a Atlanta hotel balcony was just him smoking a cigar., He also denies rumors he has asked the team to trade him to the Rockies or Mariners.
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The Des Moines Register reported these private emails Rick Perry’s Iowa campaign chair Sam Clovis about Trump. “I was offended by a man who sought and gained four student deferments to avoid the draft and who has never served this nation a day — not a day — in any fashion or way.”, “His comments reveal no foundation in Christ, which is a big deal.” and ““Why should I not be suspicious of someone who says he hates lobbyists and yet has spread millions of dollars around to Republicans and Democrats to enrich himself? ”
Who cares, another Trump hater? Except that Clovis quit with Perry and has now joined the Donald’s campaign as a national chairman. #moneymoneymoneymoney
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If they canceled the last week of #NFL preseason football would anyone care? Seriously?
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Chris Christie is now saying that Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal shows she caught a “disease” of “lawlessness” from the Obama administration. So where did the New Jersey staffers who closed that bridge catch THEIR disease.?’
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Travelers at Newark Airport’s Terminal C were evacuated tonight after a man entered through an exit door, and had to re-enter later through a security checkpoint. The scariest thing for many connecting passengers, they actually had to enter New Jersey.
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Horror film director Wes Craven has passed away at the age of 76. So shouldn’t he really have died on a Friday the 13th?
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At the VMAs, Kanye West admitted to rolling “a little something” and also said “As you have probably guessed, I have decided to run for president in 2020.” Well, Kanye is opinionated and egotistical enough, maybe he really wants to be on a 2016 ticket with Donald Trump.
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Tags: Cubs jokes, Denali jokes, Dodgers jokes, Jindal jokes, LLWS jokes, Yankees jokes
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August 9, 2015
After the Pittsburgh Pirates scored 9 runs in the 7th inning against the Dodgers bullpen, beginning to look like biggest competition between SF and LA in October might be over best airline/hotel rates for a vacation in Hawaii.
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Seventeen GOP candidates running for President. And after last Thursday’s debates a lot of Americans are thinking “can’t we have a few more choices?”
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Carly Fiorina talking about being a supporter of women’s rights makes as much sense as Bristol Palin being an abstinence spokeswoman.
And Carly Fiorina said today she opposes mandatory paid maternity leave. Proving again that the only women’s rights Fiorina really supports are her own.
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Thinking if Donald Trump really wants to attract independent voters, he’d lay off Megyn Kelly and start going after Ann Coulter.
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New NBC GOP Presidential primary poll: Trump – 23%, Carson – 11%, Fiorina and Rubio 8% each. I’ll take “Four people who will never be President for $800, Alex.”
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#WrigleyField was just evacuated after a bomb threat. Fortunately the threat turned out to be as nonexistent as today’s #SFGiants offense.
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At Yankee Stadium, a fan threw a home run ball from Toronto’s Jose Bautista back onto the field and it hit NY outfielder Brett Gardner. Gardner was uninjured. These days the way things are going for SF Giants – three starters injured on a 10 game road trip, had one of their fans done the same thing, they’d have hit Pence and put him on the DL.
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#SFGiants didn’t get all the players they wanted at the trade deadline, and this odd year doesn’t look like their year. On the other ,hand, watching the Pirates score 9 runs in the 7th inning, 8 against Jim Johnson who the #Dodgers basically bought from the Braves by taking on contracts.. ah, #schadenfreude.
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But, Duane Kuiper saying that the #SFGiants caught a break with the weather on this Chicago trip. Thinking more of a break might have been to have had the entire series rained out.
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The Redskins and Texans ended up in a brawl after their three-day joint practice. Shame most Washington fans didn’t see it, might be the best hits their team will get in all year.
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So a #BlackLivesMatter group disrupted a Bernie Sanders event. Isn’t that like a White Supremacist group disrupting a GOP Presidential Debate? Or an anti-abortion group doing the same thing?
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Tags: Dodgers jokes, Fiorina jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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May 24, 2015
As this Duggar family saga unfolds have to wonder…. if an African-American family, Christian or not, had tried to cash in on their fertility with a reality show, would they have been turned into Child Protective Services just for having 19 children.
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Roger Federer was upset by a selfie-seeking fan who accosted him on the court after his French Open match today. The young man in question has been barred from the rest of the tournament. Really? So he can’t see a few more matches? You really want to cure this problem, tell fans if they jump on court for pictures, they and their camera may be used for as targets for serving practice.
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Sad to read of the death of Nobel prize winner and “A Beautiful Mind” subject John Nash and his wife in a taxi accident. But you would think someone as brilliant as he was on game theory etc would also have calculated the odds and put on a seatbelt.
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Many viewers just tune into the #Indy500 for the wrecks. Which is actually the same reason most viewers watch #TheBachelorette
Nine brains were found on a street near train tracks in a village in northern New York village. Hmm, so how many GOP candidates have declared for the Presidency in 2016?
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Some say jockeys aren’t athletes. But thinking it takes more skill to win riding an animal with a mind of its own compared to riding in an expensive high-powered well-tuned car. #Indy500 #TripleCrown
So today there was a two hour rain delay in Denver today for the Rockies- Giants game. During which time IT DID NOT RAIN.
Although in four games this weekend at Coos Field there was a total of over 7 hours of delays, #sowhodecidedtobuildtheColoradoballparkwithnoroofanyway?
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The SF Giants have DFA’ed Casey McGehee. So congrats to all those who had May 24 in the pool.
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Best news for most baseball fans about the Yankees’ fourth appearance (and loss) tonight on Sunday Night Baseball against the Rangers. ESPN is contractually obligated not to show any one team more than six Sunday Night games. #twomoretogo
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Tags: Duggar jokes, Janice Hough, political jokes, selfie jokes, Yankees jokes
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April 23, 2015
The SF Giants are raffling off an authentic World Series ring. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that the Chicago Cubs inquired about buying all the tickets?
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Question on ESPN “Are the Mets really this good?” Of course, another question might be “Are the rest of the NL East teams really this bad?”
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Bernie Williams will officially sign his retirement papers at Yankee Stadium before Friday’s Mets-Yankees game. Williams last played in 2006. What, no farewell tour?
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So apparently the U.S. World Cup’s women’s uniforms are white. With no red or blue on them. May be more people getting upset about this than will actually watch the women’s World Cup. #USAUSAUSA
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Charles Koch on charges that “We are doing all of this to make more money? “I mean, that is so ludicrous.” Translation, “we make PLENTY of money. We are doing “all of this” so that we pay less taxes and keep more of it.”
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So Alabama is moving forward with legalizing medical marijuana. Excellent. Time for a brownie bakery titled “REALLY sweet home Alabama!”
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When the Patriots were at the White House today, President Obama joked that he had scissors ready in case Bill Belichick wanted to to cut the sleeves. Scissors huh?! Maybe we’ve figured out “deflate-gate” #BlameObama.
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The Spurs’ Kawhi Leonard won the NBA Defensive Player of the Year Award, prevailing over the Warriors’ Draymond Green. Heard on a radio interview this a.m. “Nice to see small men getting some recognition.” Leonard and Green are both 6’7″ #shortpersonfacepalm
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WNBA players Brittney Griner and her fiancee, Glory Johnson, were both arrested last night for suspicion of assault and disorderly conduct. Alas who says women athletes can’t be the equals of men.
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Iowa Congressman Steve King Congressman has proposed a “Restrain the Judges on Marriage Act of 2015” which would ban federal courts from hearing all marriage-related cases, including same-sex marriage cases. So the decisions would rest with state courts.
Okay then, does King also feel the feds should stay out of state decisions like legalized marijuana?
From Bill Littlejohn “The Philadelphia Eagles have worked their home schedule around the Pope’s visit—but many of their fans plan to show up and boo him anyway.”
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Tags: brittney griner jokes, Janice Hough, marijuana jokes, Mets jokes, Yankees jokes
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April 11, 2015
Eight errors for New York so far in five games. Time to refer to them as the YankEEEEEs?
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So the Red Sox and Yankees, after 19 innings Friday night, had the early game Saturday night for national television. Wonder how many people on the the East Coast went to bed, woke up and thought “My gawd, they’re STILL playing.”
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That 19 innings for the Red Sox and Yankees Friday lasted seven hours and five minutes, including a 16 minute power outage delay. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is thinking “Seven hours? Why I hired and fired Billy Martin fast than that.”
The NY Yankees are trying to void $6 million contract bonuses for A-Rod for each person he passes on the all-time home run list, saying they are no longer “milestones”, and they are prepared to go to arbitration over it. This could end up better than “The War of the Roses.”
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Forget about hearts in San Francisco. The 2015 Giants appear to have left their bats in Arizona.
So the Atlanta Braves put a punctuation mark on their rebuilding year by trading All-Star closer Craig Kimbrel before the season even started. And they are now, 5-0?! #Itsafunnygame
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Okay, so #Madbum is 1-1 with a 5.40 ERA. #Kershaw is 0-1 with a 5.84 ERA. #Giants #Dodgers #Miserylovescompany
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Providence beats BU 4-3 in the #FrozenFour final. But who but me hears “Frozen Four” and thinks of the last #SFGiants fans left during most late weeknight games at Candlestick.
And wonder how many parents hear “Frozen Four” and think ‘Dear Gawd, not MORE sequels.”
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Tiger Woods may or may not ever get back to the top of the golf world, and he may still have the biggest galleries. But Woods will never be as beloved as Phil Mickelson.
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Tiger Woods teaching his children not to swear would be kind of like Madonna trying to teach her children to dress appropriately.
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The Yankees are now 1-4. Of course, it’s early times, but how long until New Yorkers start looking forward to the Jets season?
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Why should the Yankees get all the headlines? – MLB announced that Mets closer Jenrry Mejia has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for stanozolol.
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Mets closer Mejia “I know the rules are the rules and I will accept my punishment, but I can honestly say I have no idea how a banned substance ended up in my system.” Got to be tempting for MLB to offer a 50% reduction in suspension to the first guy who says “I admit it, I blew it, they caught me.”
From Marc Ragovin – “Reuben Flores of the NY Mets is the very definition of a shortstop. He stops the ball and all of his throws come up short.:
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From Gary Bachman; “There’s a campaign to put a woman on the twenty dollar bill. And ‘In God We Trust’ will be replaced by “You Go Girl.'”
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For those at FOX who want to get a jump on head explosions in advance of Hillary’s announcement tomorrow: “In my opinion, President Obama is an honest man.” Raul Castro.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Frozen Four jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Masters jokes, Mejia jokes, Mets jokes, Red Sox jokes, Tiger Woods jokes, Yankees jokes
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April 6, 2015
On Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently got the loudest ovation of any player when he was introduced. Figures, most comics work nights and had the day off.
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The NY Times reported today that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. So where is Donald Trump’s call for Jeb’s birth certificate?
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Anyone but me think Mike Krzyzewski must have a really scary looking portrait in an attic somewhere? #NationalChampionship #Duke
Two controversial calls down the stretch that both went the Blue Devils’ way should do wonders for Duke continuing to be universally loved across the country.
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Bo Ryan, 67, would have become the oldest coach in NCAA tournament history to win his first national championship if Wisconsin won tonight. 67?! Makes Ryan about the average age of the San Antonio Spurs.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers won 6-3 today, but Clayton Kershaw gave up 3 runs in 6 innings. That’s it, he’s clearly over the hill.
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Pedroia and Ramirez on space for 324 home runs each. Pablo Sandoval on pace for 486 strikeouts. #OpeningDay #Redsox #SFGiants
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So much for all those who thought Kentucky could beat an NBA team. Of course, they still might be able to beat the Lakers.
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The Cubs went 0-13 with runners in scoring position and lost 3-0 on “opening night.” So how many of the Wrigley faithful are breaking out new “Wait until next year” t-shirts?
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From my friend Scott Russell. “It is apropos that the Red Sox play Boston College in their exhibition opener and the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day.” Scott does not say whether he believes Boston College or the Phillies to have been tougher competition.
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In most of Europe, Easter Monday is still a holiday. So why did we in the US fight for independence again?
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The playoffs may be different, but for Sunday night, age and treachery still overcome youth and skill. #Spurs #Warriors
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In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a father allegedly decided he was too drunk to drive, and got his 13-year-old son to take him on a beer run. Then dad got into an argument in the store and fired his gun eight times. (fortunately hitting no one.) He was arrested by cops who were conducting a DWI checkpoint across the street. Your move, Florida.
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So in Missouri, a GOP lawmaker has proposed that a bill that would ban food stamps for being used to buy “cookies, chips, energy drinks, soft drinks, seafood or steak.” Yeah, because you’d hate to have them waste money on tunafish? #dotheythinkbeforetheycomeupwiththeselaws?
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Tags: coach k jokes, Duke jokes, Janice Hough, Jeb jokes, one and done jokes, Opening day jokes, Red Sox jokes, Wisconsin jokes, Yankees jokes
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March 22, 2015
So #Wisconsin survives to challenge the #NCAA stenographer for at least another day. #MarchMadness #antidisestablishmentarianism
(And if you haven’t read aboutf the Badgers and the Stenographer, here’s the link. Might be the best non-Georgia State story of the tournament – http://espn.go.com/blog/collegebasketballnation/post/_/id/105479/nigel-hayes-and-his-wisconsin-teammates-are-fascinated-by-the-ncaa-stenographer)
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Stanford vs Rhode Island tonight in the NIT. Many Cardinal fans tuned in, if only for the memories and replays of a game that actually mattered. “And he was FOULED!”
Stanford holding up #Pac12 honor in the “Not in Tournament.” So what’s better-worse? Another potential NIT banner? Or being knocked out in the first round of the NCAA’s.
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Ted Cruz apparently will announce his candidacy for the Presidency Monday, skipping the usual step of an “exploratory committee.” Well, makes sense. “Exploratory” sounds too much like science.
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Jerry Brown said today that U.S. Senator Ted Cruz’ is “unfit” to run for President. It’s actually a birther thing. Cruz was born stupid.
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A 46 year old woman was arrested after allegedly stripping on a British Airways flight from Jamaica to London, and then according to the UK Mirror “performing a solo sex act.” Men across the world have one reaction – “Where is the video?”
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NY Yankees are advertising individual game tickets against the “best of the American League”. Translation “which in 2015 will not be us.”
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In Cottonwood, Arizona, eight police officers and a Walmart employee were assaulted in the store parking lot. Two suspects were shot, one fatally, and seven others were arrested. According to a police spokesman, the suspects are all related. #Familyvalues Your move, Florida.
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Bloomsburg (Pa.) University dismissed one of their best hitters after he posted a offensive tweet about Mo’ne Davis. (He used the four letter S word that is only marginally better than the four letter C word.)
But okay, once again, the guy is not being dismissed so much for being a sexist pig, but for being idiotic enough to tweet it. #cantfixstupid
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John McCain, on CNN, dismissing what “Bibi Netanyahu said during an election campaign.” “If every politician were held to everything they say during a campaign, obviously that would be a topic of long discussion.”
Right, like saying that Sarah Palin was qualified to be President?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Marchmadness jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Brown jokes, NIT jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Walmart jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
February 17, 2015
New York’s East River is clogged with ice flows. How long until the Circle Line starts trying to make extra money by doing Titanic-themed cruises?
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We’re already up to Winter storms Neptune and Octavia. So what happens in another few weeks… do they start with Roman numbers?
The Yankees today announced that not only will they retire Andy Pettitte’s #46, they will also retire Bernie Williams’s #51 and Jorge Posada’s #20. So who will be the first Bronx Bomber to wear triple digits?
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When the Yankees announced they were retiring Andy Petitte’s number, it prompted this tweet “”Congrats to 46. Yankees retiring his number. Hopefully they don’t retire it like his HGH testimony,” This from Petitte’s former teammate Chuck Knoblauch. So just guessing those two won’t be on the same team for the next Yankees’ old-timers game?
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A 20-year-old American man is out of intensive care after being repeatedly gored during a bull-running festival in Spain, including a major wound in his thigh area. So just MAYBE Darwin’s mission has been accomplished here.
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Sorry to hear of the death of former SF Giants coach Wendell Kim, only 64. But thinking that in a softball game in Heaven, Kim’s already waving Ernie Banks around third.
Barry Zito has signed a minor-league trade deadline with the As. Makes sense. He has a comfortable history with the team. And if Barry does well, presumably he can count on Oakland trading him to a contender mid-season.
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Lesley Gore, 68, who sang the hit “It’s my party,” has passed away. Presumably attendees at her funeral will be told they can “cry if they want to.”
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#JasonGiambi, 44, is retiring. “So young?” asked Jamie Moyer.
When a 20 yr-old New Jersey man who’d been drinking crashed a car, he returned in another car with a friend, also allegedly drunk, to pour water on the road. The idea being to make it look like he’d spun out on black ice.
A policeman saw them, along with the empty buckets, and both men were arrested. You’d think if the guy could think of something this creatively weird, he’d have been able to think to call a cab?
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The weather has been so bad back East that most Americans trying to honor our Presidents Monday had to resort to shopping online.
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Sarah Palin last night on SNL40 to Jerry Seinfeld –
“Just curious, Jerry, how much do you think Lorne Michaels would pay me if I were to run in 2016?”
“Run for president? Sarah, I don’t think there’s a number too big.”
“OK, just hypothetically then, what if I were to choose Donald Trump as my running mate?”
So does Palin actually have a sense of humor, or a fundraising strategy?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Boston storm jokes, Janice Hough, New York jokes, SNL jokes, snow jokes, storm jokes, Yankees jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 