Posted tagged ‘Yankees jokes’

Don’t tell the NFL…

January 25, 2018

NBA wants to be a partner in legalizing sports gambling, for a 1% cut on every bet made. Well, that ought to do wonders with those who think sport is fixed.

 

Gregg Popovich & Lebron James chatted and shared a postgame embrace after Spurs win over Cavs. No word on what they discussed but if Kawhi REALLY wants out, suppose San Antonio could do worse for a replacement.

Elton John announcing he will retire after three-year farewell tour. “Three YEAR farewell tour, you mean we could have done that” said Yankess & Derek Jeter?

Top three beers in the US are now Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Lite. Only things getting less light are Americans.

#LarryNassar is trending. Alas, it’s not because he’s dead.

 –

president Simon will resign. At this point even Penn State is thinking it was about time.

John Kerry apparently is thinking of running again for President in 2020.   Right, because one thing the USA lacks is enough old white male candidates.

 

A day after it happened.  someone finally shamed into acknowledging yesterday’s school shooting. If killer were Muslin or immigrant he’d have been on it in 15 minutes.

Trump to unveil immigration plan on Monday. For those who don’t like it, no doubt he will disavow plan by Tuesday.

President Donald Trump says he’s “looking forward” to being interviewed by special counsel Robert Mueller.   Can we put it on pay-per-view?  Might go a way towards fixing national debt.

McConnell wants Senate to vote on a bill criminalizing abortion after 20 weeks. Good thing at least these pro-lifers are also so pro-healthcare and welfare for low-income mothers. Oh wait…. never mind.

Will we tell our children & grandkids some day “I’m so old I remember when the USA was actually respected in the world?”

As Trump jets off to Davos, wonder if Melania is googling looking for a weekend service that can change the locks.

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Still the captain?

December 9, 2017

If Yankees win 2018 World Series will they vote Jeter a playoff share?

 

So too soon to investigate former Yankee Derek Jeter for possible collusion?#Stanton

Maybe it’s time to rename them the Flori-duh Marlins.

If you already rooted against @Yankees then it’s not sour grapes if you start rooting against Stanton right? @SFGiants

Ohtani claimed he wanted a small market team. So will LA revert to calling themselves the Anaheim Angels?

United and Delta now doing basic economy fares on transatlantic flights. Because international flights weren’t fun enough without bargain-hunting families with children getting assigned to all middle seats and then trying to bug other people on the plane to switch with them.

 

As a candidate @realDonaldTrump mocked a disabled reporter. Last night he mocked a sexual assault victim. Make America Gross Again? #MAGA

At Trump’s first White House Hanukkah Party, did he tell them Christmas is back, bigger and better than ever?

At least one of the women who came forward about Roy Moore has been receiving death threats. And some still wonder why women don’t speak out.

 

We’ve gone from Senate candidate who dated children to congressman who wanted staffers to have his children. Can see why GOP is family values party.

Trump attacks @CNN after date error for being Fake News. But crickets on @FoxNews having to rescind the Roy Moore yearbook forgery story.

After Friday’s rally and ‘Lock her up” chants in Pensacola maybe the rest of Florida wants to secede from the Panhandle?

Fox News ranted about about acquittal in Kate Steinle case. Where’s their outrage on what seems much more egregious Daniel Shaver case?

What a world, many mass shootings & GOP still supports all gun owners. But idea that one #MeToo allegation might be false to them discredits all women.

More snow in Atlanta. Maybe someone shouldn’t have said hell would freeze over before the GOP endorsed a pro-slavery child molester for Senate.

GOP absolutely will fight for female baby’s right to be born so she can grow up & then be mocked & derided when she complains about sexual assault. #Prolifemyass

No relief

October 7, 2017

SF Giants may have just lost the title of “Most Complete Bullpen Meltdown in Recent Playoff History.” #Yankees #ALDS

On the other hand, the Indians may never lose again.

Aroldis Chapman “liked” Instagram comment saying that Yankees mgr Joe Girardi was an”imbecile.” Ah for the good old days when players just whined off-the-record to reporters.

Right about now a whole lot of AL teams, including Red Sox would sign a petition to move the Houston Astros back to the NL #ALDS

NHL’s Jiri Hudler accused of trying to urinate on food cart, demanding cocaine on Delta flt. Who says hockey players aren’t real athletes?

Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack

Apparently Vegas killer tried buying legal tracer ammunition, which lights up when shot. Hunters really need more of advantage against deer?

Secret Service has paid over $137,000 just to rent golf carts at Bedminster & Mar-A-Lago. But Puerto Rico’s throwing our budget out of whack

This is Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. This year,  Canada is thankful they can mostly avoid President Trump.

So current GOP plan is to deny women birth control & then be out of office when unplanned babies grow up to vote Democratic?

If Harvey Weinstein was a Trump supporter all of his harassment would have been dismissed as “locker room banter.

I’m liberal & condemn Harvey Weinstein. Why can’t conservatives condemn pussy-grabber-in-chief?

When Trump said he was going to drain the swamp he didn’t tell us all the new alligators would be flying in on private planes.

As Trump gets rid of birth control mandate assume govt will still provide to staffers so Congress won’t have abortion issues w/ mistresses?

Can a woman-owned company pls file lawsuit saying they feel it’s morally wrong to cover Viagra prescriptions for unmarried men?

Does Trump know efforts to undo EVERY single Obama action will someday give another President Carte Blanche to undo all of his?

 

Open notes to @realDonaldTrump on NewOrleans. A) Mayor Landrieu is popular, B) some speak French or Creole but part of US, C)-not an island

Under pressure?

July 15, 2016

 

ESPN reports that the Yankees, at 44-44, are 38 losses away from their first under .500 season since 1992.
(No punchline, just with all the crap going on in the world I felt like sharing it.  And after tonight, 37.)

Roger Goodell “I think all of us have evolved a little bit on the gambling. To me, where I cross the line is anything that can impact that integrity of the game.” “Integrity of the game?!” And Goodell said it with a straight face.

Our long national nightmare is over: Tom Brady has announced he will “no longer proceed with the legal process,” and serve his four-game Deflategate suspension.

GOP‬ ‪#‎TrumpPence‬ ticket has ‪#‎TP‬ logo. If some creative ‪#‎Dem‬ isn’t selling bathroom tissue by Monday, will be very disappointed in America

New slogan for @HillaryClinton – “Clinton 2016, because TP will just take America down the toilet.”

Will ‪#‎MikePence‬ support right of Indiana businesses not to display that tightly interwoven TP logo on religious freedom grounds? ‪#‎TrumpPence‬

With Mick Jagger having another child at the age of 72, how long before some company comes up with a combo pack of father-baby diapers?

There has been an attempted military coup going on in Turkey and apparently at the moment “it is unclear who is in charge.”
Well, the same can often be said of Washington, D.C.

 

This is not a good weekend for Europe. But have to wonder, just how upset is Donald Trump that events have overtaken his VP selection for headline news?

 

Looking at the Emmy nominations makes me feel old- I remember when network shows actually got nominated.

So now we have this new summer “Black Friday” and all these announced sales? For what reason, because somehow Americans don’t have enough stuff? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Newt Gingrich, in a last ditch attempt to overtake Mike Pence on the crazy train to be Trump’s running mate: We should “test every person here who is of a Muslim background, and if they believe in Sharia, they should be deported,”
Of course, those who are anti-minority, anti-gay and/or anti-women for “Western” reasons, well, not only should they not be deported but heaven forbid we stop them being armed.

 

 

Jeb Bush, in an op-ed today in the Washington Post said some in the GOP were “making us seem anti-immigrant, anti-woman, anti-science, anti-gay, anti-worker and anti-common-sense.”
SEEM????!

Show some respect, eh?

May 8, 2016

It takes some work to make Canadians angry. But Dwyane Wade managed to do it, by taking warm up shots during the Canadian national anthem. On the other hand, the Raptors, who sometimes seem to have trouble getting fired up, won the game. So maybe Wade should keep up the “Oh Canada” shooting.

 

Major league teams are selling today’s Mother’s Day equipment and uniforms to raise money for breast cancer research. Although the SFGiants. who lost 2-0, and were 0-6 with runners in scoring position,  won’t be able to market them as actual “game-used” bats.

An unknown person in New Jersey has won the $429 million Powerball lottery. His or her first act with the winnings will no doubt be to move out of New Jersey.

Americans apparently spend over $21 billion on Mother’s Day. Wow. To be fair, at least $1 billion of that must be spent by players in the NBA.

 

#‎Hawks‬ have now joined the ‪#‎Braves‬ in making ‪#‎Atlanta‬ fans really look forward to the ‪#‎Falcons‬.

The Yankees are in last place and worse, ticket sales are way down. Not sure what the team will do. Maybe they can sign Kobe Bryant for a one year contract so he can sit the bench and do a baseball version of his farewell tour?

Ted Cruz apparently feels now that he could have stopped Donald Trump, if Marco Rubio had only agreed to become his running mate in March. Got news for Ted, the bottom half of the ticket wasn’t why Americans “Just Said No” to him.

Former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer said she’d be willing to be Donald Trump’s running mate. Waiting for Hillary Clinton to second that choice in female solidarity.

 

Sarah Palin on Paul Ryan “His political career is over.” Well, ‪#‎takesonetoknowone‬

 

 

Mississippi State has confirmed that a student died when he fell off of the football stadium Jumbotron at 1:30am Saturday morning. Sad, but just guessing alcohol gets an assist on this Darwin award.

To save money, Dropbox is apparently cutting back on some of its perks. The company is pushing free dinner from 6pm to 7pm, and limiting guests to five a month. ‪#‎Getouttheviolins‬

 

David Maloney is an  Alabama attorney who has run commercials talking about how he turns out down drunk drivers as clients. ” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you drink and you drive and you hurt someone, don’t call me. I’m not going to represent you, I’m not going to help you. If anything, I’m going to be the lawyer going after you.”

Maloney was arrested this weekend in Florida. For alleged DUI.  Well, guess he won’t be one of those fools who has himself for a client.  #meanbitchkarmahasacousinhubris

 

 

Not the Grey Cup either…

May 1, 2016

Toronto Raptors’ Kyle Lowry on today’s game 7. “This is like our Super Bowl, win or go home.” Uh, so maybe Lowry isn’t a big NFL fan, but has someone told him after the Super Bowl both teams go home?

 

The New York Yankees, at 8-15, are in the cellar of the AL East. No punchline, I just like writing it.

So wait a minute, there are no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs but one in the NBA playoffs? Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

The White House has put forward proposals to make it easier for federal, state and local agencies to buy “smart guns” that only operate for certain users. The NRA is of course against it, saying the concept is “unproven” and “causes us great concern”. Because of course nothing ever goes wrong now with stolen law enforcement guns. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Some are already grading this year’s NFL draft picks by team. Yep, the same experts who had this year’s Super Bowl between the Seahawks or Packers, and the Colts or the Patriots.

Congrats to ‪#‎MaliaObama‬ who will be attending ‪#‎Harvard‬. Wonder if that means she didn’t get into ‪#‎Stanford‬?

Donald Trump, going after Hillary last week called her “one of the all time great enablers.” Of course, Trump’s wives are never enablers, he just trades them in for younger models first.

Justin Bieber posted a picture of himself petting a tiger while the big cat was on a leash. Ok, be honest, how many other people were hoping for an equipment malfunction?

Another thought about this bathroom insanity. Something like 90% of children who are sexually abused, are abused by someone they know. So where are the fear mongers about friends and relatives taking children into bathrooms?

 

Talking with friends yesterday after the Correspondents dinner, mentioned that I once wrote a joke that made then Senator Obama laugh.   They suggested  I post it.

In 2007  was able to meet him briefly on a rope line.
Said, “Senator, people say you’re the rock star of the Democratic party, but you’re too young to be president. But I’m looking at these concert tours for the Who, Paul McCartney and the Rolling Stones. And thinking you’re plenty old enough to be President. But you are not old enough to be a rock star.”

(he not only laughed he said I might be right, and he had all their records.)

Travesties

April 4, 2016

Ah yes, March Madness, when the bracket you actually thought about had UNC to win it all, and you suddenly jump up to 92nd percentile on the bracket where you just picked cats. ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Wildcats‬

But come on, while CBS has the rights, the NCAA men’s championship game tonight was broadcast on… TBS? Sounds like the network is taking college basketball as seriously as the one-and-done players.

SF Giants’ flight to Milwaukee was delayed over six hours yesterday.  Hmm, maybe a little travel stress is better than batting practices for their hitters?

(12-3 win, with back-to-back-to-back home runs)

Happy ‪#‎SFGiants‬ Opening Day. It’s partly cloudy about 60 degrees with a high of 68 in SF today, it’s 32 degrees with snow flurries and a high of 40 in Milwaukee. So who drew up this schedule anyway?    #baseballshouldnotopenindoors

Meanwhile, the Yankees-Astros opening game in New York was postponed today due to weather. What a shame. Too bad neither of these teams plays in a warm weather area. Oops, never mind.

So with all these states talking about religious freedom, how long until some files a lawsuit demanding freedom FROM religion over “God Bless America” being played at so many MLB games?


Congrats to ‪#‎LosAngelesRams‬ for winning their 1st pre-season game today against ‪#‎SDChargers‬ 15-0. Oh wait, never mind. ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Padres‬

 

Even as a ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan I must admit, when you give ‪#‎Kershaw‬ 15 runs he gives you a pretty good chance to win.

So both the Indians and Yankees home openers were postponed due to weather. Meaning a lot of fans in Cleveland and New York will be trying to explain how that 24 hour flu is lingering a bit longer.

The Oakland A’s Sonny Gray has been scratched for his opening night start due to food poisoning, this after he was hospitalized last year with salmonella. The A’s don’t just need a pitching coach, they need a food taster.

The Raiders have signed Aldon Smith, who is currently serving a 1-year suspension for substance abuse, and has five arrests since he joined the NFL in 2011 – “I think in his heart he’s a good young man” Raiders coach Jack Del Rio.”
Now, wishing Smith the best, but it’s amazing how your chances of being considered “a good young man” go up when you’re a star pass-rusher.

DE Greg Hardy was convicted of domestic violence in 2014, and pictures showed his ex-girlfriend with multiple bruises, but the case was overturned when the woman stopped cooperating with police. Now, Hardy said in an ESPN interview.”I’ve never put my hand on any women.” Even Bill Cosby is thinking this sounds disingenuous..

New airlines excuse for the day. JetBlue flight delayed last night from New York to SF….because they put the WRONG FUEL in the plane? So apparently they had to drain it and refuel. Your move, United.

In the 2016 Airline Quality Rating, Spirit Airlines led U.S. carriers in customer complaints. They might have had more, but given that it’s Spirit they probably charge passengers to complain.

The Huffington Post is reporting Charles Koch is confident Paul Ryan could be the GOP Presidential nominee if Trump doesn’t get enough delegates. Well, and I am sure the Donald and his supporters will take that gracefully. ‪#‎passthepopcorn‬

 

Electric automaker says they have had delayed deliveries of their Model S and X this quarter because of part shortages caused by “Tesla’s hubris.” Hmm, I thought the hubris was reserved for Tesla owners.