Archive for the ‘March madness jokes’ category

Long time

March 23, 2017

San Antonio Spurs tonight paid tribute to WWII vet Richard Overton, who at 110 years old is the oldest living veteran. And one of the few men alive who remembers Tim Duncan’s rookie year.

A five minute plus instant replay stoppage w/ 1:59 left in #WestVirginia #Gonzaga game making fans long for crisp speed of MLB instant replay

The Oakland As are offering a free cap to any fan who trades in any SF Giants cap. Well, if someone wants a hat in better condition – .A’s caps ARE less likely to be worn out from being worn through the playoffs.

 

When you do not score in the last 2:52 of the 2nd half, it’s pretty hard to win a Sweet Sixteen game. #Arizona #Xavier #marchmadness

#ESPN allowing people who regret their #MarchMadness choices to do a “Second Chance Bracket.” Any way we can do that for the US election?

Matt Barnes, now with the Warriors about playing his former team the Sacramento Kings Friday. “I’m trying to kill them Plain and simple. Things didn’t go well there.”
Great statement from a player with an arrest history now facing a 2017 trial for domestic violence.

Patriots to visit White House on April 19. Wouldn’t it be simpler to invite Kraft, Brady & anyone else who wants to attend to Maralago?

Theresa May opens parliament as usual. #WeAreNotAfraid trending. Well played London, well played.

Fortune magazine names  Theo Epstein greatest leader in world. So is everyone connected with 3-time WS Champion @SFGiants chopped liver?

Trumpcare did not come to a vote today due to lack of GOP support. Can’t wait to see how they’re going to blame this on Obama.

New poll showed today only 17% of Americans support  Trumpcare. Wow. Didn’t know that many people worked for insurance companies.

#NYTimes – Trump says privately he regrets going along w/ Ryan for quick healthcare reform. Because nothing EVER is @realDonaldTrump’s fault

 

Fox News headline says Trumpcare is “on life support.” Well, life support no doubt won’t be covered going forward either.

Trumpcare to exclude preventive care maternity care & pediatric care. While GOP defunds Planned Parenthood. Again 4 words -Pro life my ass.

More populism at its finest. The House today just voted to strike down privacy rules that kept internet providers like AT&T and Comcast from selling your web browsing history without permission.
Make Advertisers Great Again?! #SMH

In Kentucky, a 4-year old is dead after he accidentally shot himself with a gun that the boy’s uncle, a police officer, had left in his truck. #Ifonlyhewerearmed

 

Washington Post reports that the OMB turned down the Secret Service request for an additional $60 million this year to handle security for Trump & his family. Which means per the Post “the agency will likely have to divert other spending to handle the additional burden..
No worries, the only other duties of the agency involve things like cyber crime, credit card/identity fraud. and cases involving missing/exploited minors. Do we feel great again yet?

 

Whatever Happened To … waking up in the morning and not saying “Our President said WHAT?”

From Marc Ragovin, one more on Chuck Barris – “RIP Chuck Barris: Gong but not forgotten.”

Happy St Patrick’s Day

March 16, 2017

My favorite toast.  May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets.

Northwestern on when Vandy player mistakenly fouled on purpose to allow Wildcats to take lead on FTs. And Vanderbilt is supposed to be the SMART SEC team?

Anyone really chortling over Middle Tennessee bracket win should have to prove themselves by finding the school on a map.    Or simply naming the city where it is.

Or naming one player on the team.

Wonder how many people know where Xavier is for that matter, without Google.  (Hint, there are at least two in the U.S.  It’s not the one in New Orleans.)

SNL has decided to broadcast live even on West Coast for the remainder of the season. Who says Trump hasn’t accomplished anything? @Nbcsnl

Can someone explain to @realDonaldTrump that #MealsonWheels does not just refer to airline catering?

Trumpers are saying #BoycottHawaii Liberal Hawaii thinking “cool, this was easier than building a wall.”

Trump’s new budget proposes privatizing Air Traffic Control. Great, so we can bring the same efficiency and great management to ATC as they have at the airlines themselves. #WTF?

So Trump administration needs “evidence” to fund Meals on Wheels & school meals, but not to accuse Obama of wiretapping.

PBS cut completely in new #TrumpBudget. $445 million. But hey, what does US really need, Big Bird, or “Winter White House” at Mar-A-Lago?

There is a certain logic in cutting Sesame Street & Education. What’s the point in having children learn to read if you think it’s #FakeNews

Trump said last night in an interview he made the wiretapping claim because “Well, I’ve been reading about things,” And he cited among other things both a Fox News report and a NY Times article.
Yes, the NY Times. #FakeNews
Who needs solar, we could power the USA if someone could figure out how to harness head-spinning.

A tweet that appeared briefly on McDonald’s feed today “@RealDonaldTrump”You are actually a disgusting excuse of a President and we would love to have @BarackObama back, also you have tiny hands.”
The tweet was taken down after 20 minutes. And McDonald’s says they were hacked. Meanwhile, millions of liberal Americans actually thought about buying a Big Mac.

Budget director Mulvaney when asked about cutting after-school programs and school meals, said they weren’t worth taxing people to fund -“there’s no demonstrable evidence they’re actually helping results — helping kids do better in school.”
At least he didn’t say hungry kids are more focused. #SMH

 

Website asks “Prove your humanity” by answering “1 + 10 = ?” Suppose would be tacky to say some Trump voters think that’s tough question.

 

Trump direct quote in Nashville “And by the way, aren’t our borders getting extremely strong? … We’ve already experienced an unprecedented 40 % in illegal immigration on our southern border, 61% — 61% percent since Inauguration Day. 61% Think about it. And now people are saying we’re not going to go there anymore ’cause we can’t get in, so it’s going to get better and better.”
Well, okay then, so Trump wants us to believe him. Fine, let’s scrap the now unnecessary wall and put the funds back for social programs and the environment.

If you’re reading this…

March 15, 2017

Are you sure you’re finished with your brackets?

Warriors almost lose to 76ers, Wizards lose to Mavericks, and Spurs with Aldridge back lose to TrailBlazers.  WTF?  Can we blame Trump?

The Los Angeles Lakers are shutting down Luol Deng & Timofey Mozgov for the rest of the NBA season. Which means Deng & Mozgov will be contributing about as much as they have so far in the season.

This is a good thing, not just for @Spurs fans. Glad he’s OK –
“Spurs’ LaMarcus Aldridge cleared to return after minor heart arrhythmia.”

(but based on tonight’s game against Portland, maybe  the team celebrated a bit too much in the afternoon?)

Joint joke with Roberta K.  Israel was eliminated today from the World Baseball Classic after they lost to Japan 8-3.   Had they won, however, the team was probably going to be tested for PEB – Performance Enhancing Bagels.

-.

Jeff Sessions speaking in Richmond “I am astonished to hear people suggest that we can solve our heroin crisis by legalizing marijuana — so people can trade one life-wrecking dependency for another that’s only slightly less awful. Our nation needs to say clearly once again that using drugs will destroy your life.”
Wonder if his speech was followed by a cocktail party.

Ryan says President had a hand in #Trumpcare bill. But we all know Trump has really small hands

Hawaii judge strikes down Muslim Ban 2.0. Waiting for Trump to decry a foreign state meddling in US affairs.

 

Trump promising ‘some very interesting items’ about Obama wiretap claim. Like his “very interesting” facts about Obama’s birth certificate?

Paul Ryan on if #Trumpcare would pass today-“that’s kind of a goofy question” Prompting immediate demands for apology. From Goofy. And Pluto.

Trump wannabe Geert Wilders apparently is losing bigly in Dutch elections. Does this mean Netherlands get added to travel ban?

The CDC Monday said the Zika virus might be present in Florida sperm donations. But hey, so glad Trump is going to be doing away with all those pesky government agencies and regulations:

 

 

After Rand Paul blocked a treaty that would have allowed Montengro into NATO, something Russia opposes, John McCain stated “The senator from Kentucky is now working for Vladimir Putin.”
Uh, only the senator from Kentucky?

 

All about those Ws.

March 14, 2017

Warriors come back at home for a stirring 2-point win over the…. Philadelphia 76ers?  Looking at the way the team is playing lately looks like true @NBA MVP might be Kevin Durant.

 

Top seed Cal one-and-done in the NIT tournament. Well, at least the Bears won’t be complaining anymore about not making #MarchMadness

Anyone who picked Wake Forest deep into the tournament, either for old times sake or in honor of Tim Dunca,  you still have time to change your online brackets.

 

Oakland As are lowering beer prices for 2017. The same year they’ve signed Santiago Casilla. Coincidence?

Police in Ocala, Florida, have warned residents to be on the lookout for an escaped cobra. But come on, won’t the snake just be standing his ground?

Up in Napa this morning, police found a naked man screaming for help because he was stuck in a shaft above a Togo’s sandwich shop. Cue the “hold the pickle” jokes.

My friend Josh Becker informs me  ESPN is rotating each tournament team and then a notable alumnus. For Purdue the notable alumnus was Herman Cain.

Are the Boilermakers a 9-9-9 seed?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie apparently got matching tattoos several months before they decided to divorce. Wonder how many parents will put this story in front of their teen children and go “see!”

A big problem in USA is how many millions of Americans took Trump promises as seriously as #thebachelor proposals.

Only 2 1/2 inches of snow fell in Washington, D.C. Will  Trump take credit for cutting the storm down to size?

 

Waiting for Trump to tweet that a far worse storm was averted in Washington DC with help of the best microwave surveillance.

Were the Trump Tax Returns found with a microwave camera. Or was it a television?

So Trump White House is against releasing personal data leaked illegally. Unless it’s Hillary Clinton’s. #TrumpTaxes

Lost in the  #RachelMaddow right or wrong debate is fact if Trump did what other candidates did his returns would already be public .

Paul Ryan on Steve King “Like to think he misspoke & it wasn’t really meant way it sounds.” Time to call GOP the GEP – Grand Enabling Party

In 2014, Trump tweeted that “CBO estimates over 2.5M will lose jobs directly because of Obamacare.” Love may fade, but internet is forever.

The CBO also said yesterday that defunding Planned Parenthood would result in “several thousand” more births paid by Medicaid. Well, good thing the GOP is all about services to poor women and children.

The Trump administration may gut Michelle Obama’s healthy lunch program, allowing more salt and only half the current whole grain requirements. Well,it’s a good thing we will have such wonderful Trumpcare to take care of these kids if they grow up with high blood pressure and diabetes.

And then there were 68

March 12, 2017

Trump University not selected to NCAA men’s tournament. Congressional investigation needed. Clearly Obama’s fault. #selectionsunday

 

How lazy is USA getting? @ESPN now offers opportunity to pick “smart bracket” & have it autofilled in their bracket challenge #IblameTrump

Syracuse whining big time about being left out of tournament. Not much Orange could’ve done, but maybe beating Boston College & St Johns?

Nerd alert! Northwestern vs Vanderbilt in 1st round. Instead of trash talking expect compost talking.  Or at least slurs about recycling.

 

 

Notre Dame vs Princeton in a 1st round NCAA tournament. Hope Buffalo airport has room for all the private planes

 

Another bitter disappointment for Los Angeles Lakers    Team thought they had performed well enough this year for at least a six seed.

Trump doesn’t follow college basketball, so not doing #marchmadness brackets. Makes no sense, knowing nothing hasn’t stopped him before

Turning on World Baseball Classic casually and hearing “grounder to short, a chance for Crawford.” All’s briefly right with the world. #SFGiants.

Best thing about #selectionsunday Realizing that when the tournament is over it will be @MLB opening day!

And who had Israel 4-0 in the #WBC first round? Now all you liars put your hands down.

Expecting any moment now for @realDonaldTrump to tweet that Obama stole that hour last night. #daylightsavings

Last night @nbcsnl mocked Ivanka Trump w/ a perfume called “Complicit.” Donald Trump can’t decide whether to complain or have her sell it.

 

Paul Ryan “Are we providing a system where people have access to health insurance if they choose to do so? And the answer is yes.”
Right, like everyone has access to a Tesla, a boat and a four-bedroom house with a pool if they choose to….It’s all about individual freedom. #SMH

Tom Price says of Trumpcare “nobody will be worse off financially in the process that we’re going through, understanding that they’ll have choices that they can select the kind of coverage that they want for themselves and for their family.”
Right, like people can select their dream car or house. But if they can’t afford it then they are better off because they still have their money…    In this case, until they get sick.

 

 

Kellyanne Conway talking about microwaves that turn into cameras. Ooh, can we reverse this? Would be great to heat up lunch on the go.

Joe Biden “The only bipartisan thing left in America is the fight against cancer.”
Well, he’s partly right. GOP believes that both Democrats & Republicans with money deserve to survive the disease.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Travesties

April 4, 2016

Ah yes, March Madness, when the bracket you actually thought about had UNC to win it all, and you suddenly jump up to 92nd percentile on the bracket where you just picked cats. ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Wildcats‬

But come on, while CBS has the rights, the NCAA men’s championship game tonight was broadcast on… TBS? Sounds like the network is taking college basketball as seriously as the one-and-done players.

SF Giants’ flight to Milwaukee was delayed over six hours yesterday.  Hmm, maybe a little travel stress is better than batting practices for their hitters?

(12-3 win, with back-to-back-to-back home runs)

Happy ‪#‎SFGiants‬ Opening Day. It’s partly cloudy about 60 degrees with a high of 68 in SF today, it’s 32 degrees with snow flurries and a high of 40 in Milwaukee. So who drew up this schedule anyway?    #baseballshouldnotopenindoors

Meanwhile, the Yankees-Astros opening game in New York was postponed today due to weather. What a shame. Too bad neither of these teams plays in a warm weather area. Oops, never mind.

So with all these states talking about religious freedom, how long until some files a lawsuit demanding freedom FROM religion over “God Bless America” being played at so many MLB games?


Congrats to ‪#‎LosAngelesRams‬ for winning their 1st pre-season game today against ‪#‎SDChargers‬ 15-0. Oh wait, never mind. ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Padres‬

 

Even as a ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan I must admit, when you give ‪#‎Kershaw‬ 15 runs he gives you a pretty good chance to win.

So both the Indians and Yankees home openers were postponed due to weather. Meaning a lot of fans in Cleveland and New York will be trying to explain how that 24 hour flu is lingering a bit longer.

The Oakland A’s Sonny Gray has been scratched for his opening night start due to food poisoning, this after he was hospitalized last year with salmonella. The A’s don’t just need a pitching coach, they need a food taster.

The Raiders have signed Aldon Smith, who is currently serving a 1-year suspension for substance abuse, and has five arrests since he joined the NFL in 2011 – “I think in his heart he’s a good young man” Raiders coach Jack Del Rio.”
Now, wishing Smith the best, but it’s amazing how your chances of being considered “a good young man” go up when you’re a star pass-rusher.

DE Greg Hardy was convicted of domestic violence in 2014, and pictures showed his ex-girlfriend with multiple bruises, but the case was overturned when the woman stopped cooperating with police. Now, Hardy said in an ESPN interview.”I’ve never put my hand on any women.” Even Bill Cosby is thinking this sounds disingenuous..

New airlines excuse for the day. JetBlue flight delayed last night from New York to SF….because they put the WRONG FUEL in the plane? So apparently they had to drain it and refuel. Your move, United.

In the 2016 Airline Quality Rating, Spirit Airlines led U.S. carriers in customer complaints. They might have had more, but given that it’s Spirit they probably charge passengers to complain.

The Huffington Post is reporting Charles Koch is confident Paul Ryan could be the GOP Presidential nominee if Trump doesn’t get enough delegates. Well, and I am sure the Donald and his supporters will take that gracefully. ‪#‎passthepopcorn‬

 

Electric automaker says they have had delayed deliveries of their Model S and X this quarter because of part shortages caused by “Tesla’s hubris.” Hmm, I thought the hubris was reserved for Tesla owners.

Easter turkeys?

March 27, 2016

Wonder how many sports fans decided to turn off the Syracuse Virginia game late in favor of sitting down to Easter dinner with their families ‪#‎neveragain‬

This might have been the most abject & complete surrender with ‪#‎VIrginia‬ not at the Appomattox Court House. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ ‪#‎Syracuse‬

 

Silver lining for today’s Syracuse-Virginia game: Alums of Northern Iowa no longer have to be known for the biggest late choke job in the 2016 ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ tournament.

 

So who is happier after Syracuse’s amazing comeback today against Virginia. Stunned Syracuse alums? Or North Carolina fans who suddenly see their way a bit clearer to the finals? ‪#‎iftheydontfreakoutoverapress‬

#‎Virginia‬ got outscored 28-8 in the last 9 minutes of game. With shooting like that they’ll be getting a post-game call from Dick Cheney?

Stanford women lost today in the Elite Eight of the NCAA women’s basketball tournament. But this would all be more interesting if the end goal wasn’t simply to get into the finals and be destroyed by UConn. ‪#‎dominance‬

#‎Microsoft‬ is rumored to be thinking of buying ‪#‎Yahoo‬. The computer industry version of two wrongs trying to make a right?

A proposed new law in New Jersey would make it illegal to text and walk on public sidewalks and roads. Isn’t this a violation of our American rights to go for Darwin awards?

“Batman vs. Superman” has gotten horrible reviews, but apparently still has made almost $200 million on its opening weekend. When asked what they thought of the plot, most moviegoers responded “Plot?”

The Rolling Stones just had a free concert in Havana. Cubans loved it. Watching Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on stage made them think their cars really aren’t that old by comparison.

 

John Kasich today said that the families of presidential candidates to stay “off-limits.” “You cannot get these attacks on families There’s got to be some rules.”
And Hillary’s spouse is thinking “Sounds good to me.”

Donald Trump says if elected he would cut down on his use of Twitter “I’m not going to be doing it very much as president. I will act to protect our country, whether that’s counterpunching or not.”
But what about protecting our country’s comedy writers?

NBC News foreign affairs correspondent Andrea Mitchell says Donald Trump is “completely uneducated about any part of the world.”
And many Trump supporters are going- she says that like it’s a bad thing?

Bernie Sanders is sending emails complaining about how “obscene” it is for Hillary Clinton to attend a charity event with George Clooney with a $353,400 price tag per couple to be at the head table. Fair enough, but a- the price to attend the dinner is “only” $33,400, and b- not like Bernie himself is turning down big $$$ celebrity donations. ‪#‎allmoneyistainted‬