Archive for the ‘basketball jokes’ category

Raining cats and dogs.

March 16, 2018

Ah, March, when you become irrationally happy over Houston Cougars win & you only picked them because you have a cat bracket

Although those who were crazy enough to do dog brackets have to be feeling pretty happy.  #UMBC  #Retrievers

 

Arizona loss last night was one of more embarrassing in recent #MarchMadness history. Virginia – “hold our beer.”

And many Virginians thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen to state was toppling of some of their Civil War heroes’ statues? #MarchMadness#UMBC #UVA

Should the Harlem Globetrotters be worried in their next game against Washington Generals?

The 1998 Stanford Women’s Basketball Team gladly gave up their crown of thorns tonight. #MarchMadness #Stanford #Harvard #UMBC #UVA

Meanwhile, as far as avoiding jokes and headlines, the Warriors picked a really good night to lose to the Sacramento Kings.

Over-under on number of  “Shocker” headlines?

Astros signed Jose Altuve to 5-year, $151 million extension. So Jose will be able to take his family to Disneyland. Even if he still isn’t tall enough to ride all the rides.

 

Trump fires McCabe about 24 hours before he is to collect full pension. Well this ought to get FBI even more on @POTUS side.

O.J. Simpson on Colin Kaepernick’s taking a knee – he “made a mistake.” And @TheOnion is going, again, we give up.

With all these courageous young people marching and speaking out how long until GOP Congress raises the legal age required… to vote?

Donald Trump apparently tried to convince Vanessa not to leave his son. Because Jared was too busy mediating peace in the Mideast?

Jeff Flake says GOP might “might not be fit to lead… if we are going to cloister ourselves in the alternative truth of an erratic leader.” OK, could he actually start by voting against said “erratic leader” sometimes?

Trump fires McCabe about 24 hours before he is to collect full pension. Well this ought to get FBI even more on @POTUS side.

When @realDonaldTrump said he was going to “drain the swamp” he didn’t tell us he planned to refill it as a toxic waste dump.

Such a small thing in grand scheme of it all… but is it too much to ask for a US President  who knows basic grammar? “It would be great for the Republican Party of Nevada, and it’s unity….”

Just wondering, if @POTUS who could shoot someone in middle of 5th Ave and not lose supporters is so worried about Stormy Daniels, what the heck does she have on him?

Following the tainted money?

September 26, 2017

FBI says sting found multiple bribes, payouts involving Arizona, Auburn, Oklahoma State & USC. There’s corruption in NCAA basketball, I’m shocked.

Meanwhile, at Louisville, men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino expressed “complete shock” that his university is also involved in the investigation.

Pitino is shocked?  He’s like the guy overseeing gambling in Casablanca.

Auburn & USC are two of schools snared in NCAA men’s basketball sting. Tigers & Trojans fans are just glad it wasn’t their football teams.

 

Ah for the days when #SFGiants really and truly sucking in 2017 would have been one of things folks in Bay Area were most upset about.

If we got rid of national anthem before sporting events could eliminate controversy AND shorten game times. #winwin

Peyton Manning reportedly a “possible” 2018 candidate for U.S. Senate. Will his campaign be sponsored by Budweiser and Papa John’s?

Repeal of Obamacare will not come to a vote. So officially dead, again. For now. Forget Trumpcare we should call this GOP mess Zombiecare

AG Sessions gave a talk on free speech at Georgetown. Protesters were banned from the speech. #WhyThereIsNoSatire

 

Reportedly Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with  Cavs’ Tristan Thompson’s baby. Odds just went up  for Warriors to be disinvited again as champions  in 2019 by White House.

So Twitter is going to 280 characters? Waiting for the Trump tweet taking credit.

Trump couldn’t get Hurricane Relief to Puerto Rico as “it’s an island.” Somehow 1 of those athletes he trashes, Tim Duncan made it to USVI.

Trump on Puerto Rico- “It’s very tough because it’s an island.” Hawaiians praying they never need federal help while he’s in office. #WTF?

 –

New poll of 2,200 Americans found 54% knew Puerto Ricans are US citizens. Would love to see same folks polled about Hawaiians.

Maybe it would be simpler to learn who in the Trump White House HASN’T used personal email for government business?

In Palm Beach Gardens, a woman was arrested allegedly for trying to run down her lover with her Mercedes.   Her intended victim happened to be her daughter’s husband. She told police he had recently told his wife about the affair, and the “revelation ruined her relationship with her daughter.”
Back on your game, Florida.

From Marc Ragovin  “So it looks like Trump will no longer invite nfl or nba teams to White House celebrations. “That is really gonna affect our plans,” said nobody on the Knicks.”

 

It’s not easy being green

May 8, 2017

Draymond Green complaining on watching Eastern Conf. playoffs “I thought teams would compete a little harder.” On the eve of the Warriors being about to sweep.

More Draymond Green complaining  – saying this morning that Kelly Olynyk is a “dirty player.” Well, he should be an expert on the subject.

Baseball is supposed to be fun, right? @SFGiants

The grounds crew had to clean up hail from Coors Field before tonight’s Rockies-Cubs game. Now it’s hail? After last night’s 18 inning loss,. Cubs at this point have to next be expecting a plague of locusts.

Tim Tebow signed a contract extension with ESPN as a college football analyst. This apparently doesn’t affect Tebow’s minor league deal with the Mets. And even if Tebow gets called up, not like the Mets will be playing into the fall anyway.

New York Jets WR Robby Anderson was apparently arrested for felony “resisting arrest with violence” and an obstruction of justice charge Sunday at a Miami musical festival. Once again, the NFL trying to take NY headlines from the Mets?

Conflicting stories over if giant rabbit Simon died on United flight from London or if he was frozen upon landing. Somebunny’s going to pay.

Only way mystery of giant bunny’s death in care of United Airlines could be any more bizarre was if rabbit was named Roger.

Has there ever been a person who stood up to Trump who he didn’t attack personally afterwards? #SallyYates

Republicans talking about a witch hunt may be distracted by their tall black hats flopping in their faces.

Major tweet-storm from @realDonaldTrump on today’s hearings with #SallyYates Seems like someone is veddy veddy angry.

Twitter is down. Apparently Trump changing his profile header picture to a denial that he had any connections with Russia broke the internet.

So it’s Obama’s fault Flynn had security clearance in 1st place, but not his credit for warning Trump not to hire him? #WTF #Trumplogic

Well, of course it’s Obama’s fault that Trump hired Flynn. A real leader would have communicated the warning by Twitter.

What’s the mystery why Trump hired his NSA despite so many warnings? Not hiring Flynn would admit someone knew more than him.

Reminder today of why #LindseyGraham said “If you killed Ted #Cruz on floor of Senate & the trial was in Senate, nobody would convict you.”

From Marc Ragovin   “Former New York Rangers radio announcer Howie Rose on the French election: Macron!, Macron!, Macron!”

Come-y on

May 3, 2017

Mildly nauseous” has now become a pre-existing condition for millions of Americans.

Should be no place for racial hatred at Fenway Park. Real Red Sox fans know that all hateful comments should be directed at the Yankees.

 

Twenty-one airlines, one-third of the carriers who use the airport, are moving terminals at Los Angeles International,  on May 12-14-16. Good thing LAX is usually a such a calm experience. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong

Lebron James, angry w/ beer company sending marketing tweet when he picked up bottle during game, indicates he’s a wine guy. Right, spelled w/ an H.

A travel story headline on Miami rooftop bars “because you didn’t come to Miami to stay indoors.”  Clearly written by someone who’s never been in FL summers.

A Florida judge called out USF football coach Charlie Strong after a player was charged with “sexual battery and false imprisonment” less than two months after another was charged with aggravated assault. In Strong’s defense is he just showing he’s ready to coach an NFL team?

Anyone outside of hardcore Spurs & Washington Huskies fans heard of Dejounte Murray? You’re probably about to. #GoSpursGo #TonyParker

Wouldn’t it be fun if Queen had just decided to troll Trump by making sure that #BuckinghamPalace had early morning headlines for a change?

Think Trump might start caring about climate change if we could convince him it might damage his golf courses?

Trump apparently will sign an Executive Order defending “religious liberty” as reason for discrimination. Calling all wiccans!

So women who practice the Goddess religion will no longer be required to serve men? #LicensetoDiscriminate

Just because we don’t like to hear Hillary Clinton make excuses doesn’t mean she’s wrong.

 

Many complaining about Hillary’s election excuses were fine supporting a man who even wouldn’t promise to accept results if he lost.

 

Trump says he will work as “mediator, an arbitrator or a facilitator” to broker peace between Israelis and Palestinians.  Two months from now “who knew that the Mideast could be so complicated?”

Would #FireColbert be getting less traction with conservatives if Stephen excused his anti-Trump rant as locker room banter?

Many complaining about Hillary’s election excuses were fine supporting a man who even wouldn’t promise to accept results if he lost.

Out of here.

April 30, 2017

So in the end for basketball fans in Los Angeles what was the difference between the Lakers and the Clippers?

About two weeks.

(And the Lakers probably have a lottery pick.)

A friend pointed out the Nationals have scored 77 runs this week. The Giants have scored 86 runs this year.

And the Nationals haven’t yet faced the Giants bullpen.

Thought Anthony Rendon got more RBI’s today SFGiants had in series against Padres.

Different names, same bullpen. #SFGiants

Think @SFGiants at this point can sign Crash Davis to get them a rainout tomorrow?  #bulldurham

The Braves’ Freddie Freeman, tired of playing at Miller Park, referred to it as a “Little League field.” Guessing Freeman is never signing a free-agent deal with the Rockies.

Meanwhile the Mets are making New York fans look forward to Jets training camp.


Clippers disappointed their fans today, but saved them from humiliation against Warriors.

But wasn’t this Game 7 between Clippers and Jazz sort of like final Christians matchup before facing the Lions?

#Bills fire their GM two days AFTER 2017 NFL draft. #WTF? Another example why Buffalo franchise has been so successful over the years.

I suppose i get it -$400,000 speeches by Obama make some people on both sides  uncomfortable. But how come we didn’t see this level of  complaints w/ ex-white presidents.  And vice-presidents.  And New York mayors? Etc.

Trump on Kim Jong-Un “People are saying, ‘Is he sane?’ I have no idea,” Ironically, that’s a question rest of world is asking the US.

Trump tweets “Democrats, without a leader, have become the party of obstruction.” Justice Merrick Garland would disagree.

Trump on Trumpcare 2.0  “Pre-existing conditions are in the bill. I mandate it. Has to be.”  Right,  no mention of potential costs of such policies.   Spoken like a man who only got a little $1 million loan from dad.

Reince Preibus -“Changing libel laws “is something that we’ve looked at.” Would it help 1st amendment if media used 2nd? #ifonlytheywerearmed

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, who once called Obama “a son of a whore,” and who said “Hitler massacred three million Jews… there’s three million drug addicts. I’d be happy to slaughter them,” has been invited by Trump for a White House meeting. #heseemsnice

8 shot, some critically, at apartment pool in La Jolla. Shooter reportedly “a white man in brown shorts.” Move along, nothing to see here.

Bad seed?

April 20, 2017

The Predators are the 1st #8 seed ever in pro sports to sweep #1 seed.  So will someone in Nashville at least write a country song about the Chicago Blackhawks?

 

The Indiana Pacers blew a 26 point lead to the Cleveland Cavaliers in game 3 of their playoff series tonight.  Wonder if they got sympathy call from the Atlanta Falcons.

One of the NFL London games this year will be Browns vs Vikings. Yet again, US disrespects Britain in not sending over professional teams.

SFGiants were off today. Which means their left fielders got about  as many base hits as on a game day.

QB DeShone Kizer, on his future in the NFL “Imagine taking Brady’s intellect and Brady’s preparation and putting it on a guy with Cam Newton’s body. Why can’t I be the greatest?”
Well, just maybe you might be held back by that 10 cent head?

LB Reuben Foster from Alabama said today that at the NFL combine he tested positive for a diluted urine sample, which is considered a positive test of the league’s substance abuse policy.
Foster said it was because he was trying to rehydrate himself after getting food poisoning.
Just once want to hear someone say, “I got caught, I’m sorry.”

Actually if Berkeley protesters really want to upset AnnCoulter the thing to do is IGNORE HER.

US is now trying to arrest Julian Assange. Well, sure, now that Wikileaks has served its purpose with Hillary.

Trump just called #Pavarotti “a good friend of mine.” This Presidency is turning into a Monty Python sketch. “Not dead, sleeping…”

Just wondering, would Trump be quite as sanguine about North Korea potentially launching nuclear missile if he had homes on West Coast?

Attorney General Jeff Sessions “amazed judge on an island in Pacific” can stop Trump’s travel ban. Yeah, the foreign country where Obama was born #cantfixstupid

 

Just guessing that #JeffSessions doesn’t have any vacations in Hawaii planned?

CNN reports that Bill O’Reilly will be paid “tens of millions of dollars” as he exits Fox News because of a “sizable safety net” in his contract. So he’ll be able to settle his future sexual harassment lawsuits.

Mike Huckabee, during an interview complaining about the media: “You know there’s three things you can’t do. You can’t spit into the wind, you can’t climb a ladder leaning toward you or kiss a woman leaning away from you.”
Uh, sir, you are married. Why would you be talking about kissing women? #familyvalues

Happy St Patrick’s Day

March 16, 2017

My favorite toast.  May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets.

Northwestern on when Vandy player mistakenly fouled on purpose to allow Wildcats to take lead on FTs. And Vanderbilt is supposed to be the SMART SEC team?

Anyone really chortling over Middle Tennessee bracket win should have to prove themselves by finding the school on a map.    Or simply naming the city where it is.

Or naming one player on the team.

Wonder how many people know where Xavier is for that matter, without Google.  (Hint, there are at least two in the U.S.  It’s not the one in New Orleans.)

SNL has decided to broadcast live even on West Coast for the remainder of the season. Who says Trump hasn’t accomplished anything? @Nbcsnl

Can someone explain to @realDonaldTrump that #MealsonWheels does not just refer to airline catering?

Trumpers are saying #BoycottHawaii Liberal Hawaii thinking “cool, this was easier than building a wall.”

Trump’s new budget proposes privatizing Air Traffic Control. Great, so we can bring the same efficiency and great management to ATC as they have at the airlines themselves. #WTF?

So Trump administration needs “evidence” to fund Meals on Wheels & school meals, but not to accuse Obama of wiretapping.

PBS cut completely in new #TrumpBudget. $445 million. But hey, what does US really need, Big Bird, or “Winter White House” at Mar-A-Lago?

There is a certain logic in cutting Sesame Street & Education. What’s the point in having children learn to read if you think it’s #FakeNews

Trump said last night in an interview he made the wiretapping claim because “Well, I’ve been reading about things,” And he cited among other things both a Fox News report and a NY Times article.
Yes, the NY Times. #FakeNews
Who needs solar, we could power the USA if someone could figure out how to harness head-spinning.

A tweet that appeared briefly on McDonald’s feed today “@RealDonaldTrump”You are actually a disgusting excuse of a President and we would love to have @BarackObama back, also you have tiny hands.”
The tweet was taken down after 20 minutes. And McDonald’s says they were hacked. Meanwhile, millions of liberal Americans actually thought about buying a Big Mac.

Budget director Mulvaney when asked about cutting after-school programs and school meals, said they weren’t worth taxing people to fund -“there’s no demonstrable evidence they’re actually helping results — helping kids do better in school.”
At least he didn’t say hungry kids are more focused. #SMH

 

Website asks “Prove your humanity” by answering “1 + 10 = ?” Suppose would be tacky to say some Trump voters think that’s tough question.

 

Trump direct quote in Nashville “And by the way, aren’t our borders getting extremely strong? … We’ve already experienced an unprecedented 40 % in illegal immigration on our southern border, 61% — 61% percent since Inauguration Day. 61% Think about it. And now people are saying we’re not going to go there anymore ’cause we can’t get in, so it’s going to get better and better.”
Well, okay then, so Trump wants us to believe him. Fine, let’s scrap the now unnecessary wall and put the funds back for social programs and the environment.

All about those Ws.

March 14, 2017

Warriors come back at home for a stirring 2-point win over the…. Philadelphia 76ers?  Looking at the way the team is playing lately looks like true @NBA MVP might be Kevin Durant.

 

Top seed Cal one-and-done in the NIT tournament. Well, at least the Bears won’t be complaining anymore about not making #MarchMadness

Anyone who picked Wake Forest deep into the tournament, either for old times sake or in honor of Tim Dunca,  you still have time to change your online brackets.

 

Oakland As are lowering beer prices for 2017. The same year they’ve signed Santiago Casilla. Coincidence?

Police in Ocala, Florida, have warned residents to be on the lookout for an escaped cobra. But come on, won’t the snake just be standing his ground?

Up in Napa this morning, police found a naked man screaming for help because he was stuck in a shaft above a Togo’s sandwich shop. Cue the “hold the pickle” jokes.

My friend Josh Becker informs me  ESPN is rotating each tournament team and then a notable alumnus. For Purdue the notable alumnus was Herman Cain.

Are the Boilermakers a 9-9-9 seed?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie apparently got matching tattoos several months before they decided to divorce. Wonder how many parents will put this story in front of their teen children and go “see!”

A big problem in USA is how many millions of Americans took Trump promises as seriously as #thebachelor proposals.

Only 2 1/2 inches of snow fell in Washington, D.C. Will  Trump take credit for cutting the storm down to size?

 

Waiting for Trump to tweet that a far worse storm was averted in Washington DC with help of the best microwave surveillance.

Were the Trump Tax Returns found with a microwave camera. Or was it a television?

So Trump White House is against releasing personal data leaked illegally. Unless it’s Hillary Clinton’s. #TrumpTaxes

Lost in the  #RachelMaddow right or wrong debate is fact if Trump did what other candidates did his returns would already be public .

Paul Ryan on Steve King “Like to think he misspoke & it wasn’t really meant way it sounds.” Time to call GOP the GEP – Grand Enabling Party

In 2014, Trump tweeted that “CBO estimates over 2.5M will lose jobs directly because of Obamacare.” Love may fade, but internet is forever.

The CBO also said yesterday that defunding Planned Parenthood would result in “several thousand” more births paid by Medicaid. Well, good thing the GOP is all about services to poor women and children.

The Trump administration may gut Michelle Obama’s healthy lunch program, allowing more salt and only half the current whole grain requirements. Well,it’s a good thing we will have such wonderful Trumpcare to take care of these kids if they grow up with high blood pressure and diabetes.

And then there were 68

March 12, 2017

Trump University not selected to NCAA men’s tournament. Congressional investigation needed. Clearly Obama’s fault. #selectionsunday

 

How lazy is USA getting? @ESPN now offers opportunity to pick “smart bracket” & have it autofilled in their bracket challenge #IblameTrump

Syracuse whining big time about being left out of tournament. Not much Orange could’ve done, but maybe beating Boston College & St Johns?

Nerd alert! Northwestern vs Vanderbilt in 1st round. Instead of trash talking expect compost talking.  Or at least slurs about recycling.

 

 

Notre Dame vs Princeton in a 1st round NCAA tournament. Hope Buffalo airport has room for all the private planes

 

Another bitter disappointment for Los Angeles Lakers    Team thought they had performed well enough this year for at least a six seed.

Trump doesn’t follow college basketball, so not doing #marchmadness brackets. Makes no sense, knowing nothing hasn’t stopped him before

Turning on World Baseball Classic casually and hearing “grounder to short, a chance for Crawford.” All’s briefly right with the world. #SFGiants.

Best thing about #selectionsunday Realizing that when the tournament is over it will be @MLB opening day!

And who had Israel 4-0 in the #WBC first round? Now all you liars put your hands down.

Expecting any moment now for @realDonaldTrump to tweet that Obama stole that hour last night. #daylightsavings

Last night @nbcsnl mocked Ivanka Trump w/ a perfume called “Complicit.” Donald Trump can’t decide whether to complain or have her sell it.

 

Paul Ryan “Are we providing a system where people have access to health insurance if they choose to do so? And the answer is yes.”
Right, like everyone has access to a Tesla, a boat and a four-bedroom house with a pool if they choose to….It’s all about individual freedom. #SMH

Tom Price says of Trumpcare “nobody will be worse off financially in the process that we’re going through, understanding that they’ll have choices that they can select the kind of coverage that they want for themselves and for their family.”
Right, like people can select their dream car or house. But if they can’t afford it then they are better off because they still have their money…    In this case, until they get sick.

 

 

Kellyanne Conway talking about microwaves that turn into cameras. Ooh, can we reverse this? Would be great to heat up lunch on the go.

Joe Biden “The only bipartisan thing left in America is the fight against cancer.”
Well, he’s partly right. GOP believes that both Democrats & Republicans with money deserve to survive the disease.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Watch and learn

March 12, 2017

Yeah, even rich superstars face tough decisions. Draymond Green, unhappy at some calls in last night’s Warriors loss, said he thought about speaking out and getting a $25,000 fine from the league. But he decided to keep his mouth shut and buy a fancy watch instead.

 

Lots of people who will start working on brackets will be united tomorrow in 1 thought “UC Davis HAS a men’s basketball team? #marchmadness

Thinking #Duke #NotreDame might have tied an NCAA record as far as a basketball game where most viewers wanted to see both teams lose.

How many casual NBA fans turned on tonight’s nationally televised game & say “Wait, thought this was @Warriors @Spurs Who are these guys?

And who knew the guy who would REALLY make Northern California proud tonight  in the Spurs Warriors game was St. Mary grad Patty Mills?

 

In Sacramento a woman was arrested for felony vandalism after driving her SUV this morning through the front doors of the county jail. Well, give her points for police convenience.

Pope Francis, acknowledging a shortage of priests, has indicated openness to allowing married men to be ordained. So for all his progressiveness, still better a married man than a celibate woman?

Federal prosecutor Preet Bharara, who was asked personally by Trump to stay on three months ago, today was fired after he refused a sudden demand from AG Sessions to resign.
Well, this ought to make anyone about to make a deal with this administration feel warm and fuzzy.

Why do I think we haven’t heard the last of #PreetBharara? Paging mean bitch Karma.

Trump was regularly critical of Obama for playing golf. Guess he thinks Presidents should only play golf on courses they own?

Who says Presidents don’t have tough decisions. With #daylightsavings Trump will have to choose whether to tweet at 2a or 3am tonight.

An intruder who apparently jumped the White House fence last night around told police he had an appointment with Donald Trump. So maybe he was there to help the President with his Twitter account?

 

 

Due to intruder last night White House reportedly placed under temporary “orange alert.” Uh, hasn’t it been on orange alert since Jan 20?

 

 

Trump this afternoon praised the Secret Service for doing — a “fantastic job” apprehending a “troubled person” approaching the White House this morning.
Especially as most of the President’s Oval Office meetings are already full up on troubled persons.

Flat Earth Society

February 18, 2017

Uh oh, now it’s Draymond Green When asked if he, like Kyrie Irving, believes the world to be flat, Green replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t done enough research. But it may be flat.”
Speaking of research, maybe it wasn’t just the NFL that should have been paying attention to concussions?

 

Kyrie Irving came in second to Eric Gordon in the NBA All-Star 3 point shooting contest. That damn curvature of the earth strikes again.

 

Lebron James “Kyrie is my little brother. If he decides the earth is flat, that’s okay.”

Uh, isn’t one of the jobs of a big brother to tell a little brother when he’s being stupid?

Kyrie Irving is questioning whether dinosaurs existed. Fool, he could have just asked  Tim Duncan, who lived with them. @Spurs

No spring training games, NBA and college basketball games don’t mean anything yet….this is the time of year when ABC’s Wide World of Sports used to give up and show cliff diving.

Local NBC news talking about NBA All-Star weekend “The biggest party in the country is happening this weekend in New Orleans.” Excuse me, on most weekends, the biggest party in the country is happening  in New Orleans.

 

According to Melbourne Police, 9,000 attendees at #TrumpRally today. 9,000?! Even Miami Marlins are thinking that’s a small crowd.

 

Give  Trump credit. How long has it been since most Americans were genuinely disappointed that SNL was taking a weekend off?

Today is #NationalDrinkWineDay. Give @realDonaldTrump for increasingly at least one segment of retail sales.

Spotted at Trump rally in Florida, one man with a t-shirt for the conspiracy site InfoWars, while another wore a “Grab America by the Pussy” shirt. #stayclassy

Still attacking Hillary at #TrumpRally. Someone should tell this man that after winning, the true greats don’t keep dissing their opponents.

 

What is truly amazing is that a man who is basically a media creation views that media as the enemy.

Now Trump is talking about the “Southern White House” Jefferson Davis must be so proud.

 

Trump said he “inherited a mess.” From USA Today “Jobs have been growing for 75 straight months — a record.” Well, he’ll fix that.

#TrumpRally– “I am here because I want to be among my friends.” Anyone but me thinking someone should have given this man a puppy?

 

Trump says Obamacare is “a tragedy, a real tragedy.” Uh, no, Obamacare may be flawed; being without healthcare is a tragedy.

Poopy heads?

December 13, 2016

Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman, angry at the NFL’s scheduling of Thursday night games, referred to them as a “Poopfest.” Would that be the title of a potential 49ers Browns game?

As fans wait for the end of 49ers season, remember that SF was sure they could win without Jim Harbaugh. And they have, 6 times in 2 years.

Jim Harbaugh told Michigan players rumors of him returning to NFL are “lies spread by our enemies”. Will he next accuse  Putin of being an Ohio State fan?

Lebron James wore a discreet safety pin on his lapel for the SI Sportsman of the Year cover. You may not like Lebron on the court, you may not agree with his politics. But the guy is a great role model for celebrities who want to express political views with class. IMHO.

An American Airlines flight from Charlotte to San Francisco diverted with a mechanical problem to Phoenix for 5 1/2 hours. No word on compensation for passengers, especially on the most important question – “Do we get extra frequent flier miles?

From Bill Littlejohn : “Jennifer Lawrence is in a bit of hot water after relating a story in which she used sacred Hawaiian rocks to scratch her itching derriere.  .Butt Fumble II?”

But hey, maybe she just wants to date Mark Sanchez.

#GarthBrooks will apparently not be performing at #Trump‘s inaugural. Guess he doesn’t have friends in THAT low of places.

So how many reasons did #RickPerry give @realDonaldTrump to choose him as Secretary of Energy?

So why did Trump appoint Rick Perry Secretary of Energy?
Because there was no Secretary of Arithmetic?

President Obama today signed the “21st Century Cures Act”, a $6.3 billion bipartisan bill to fight cancer and streamline the FDA approval process for drugs and medical device. It also includes $1 billion for states to fight substance abuse and drug addiction.
Waiting for the Trump rebuttal.

At Trump Tower, Kanye West met w/ President-Elect Donald Trump this am to discuss becoming “an ambassador of sorts.”

At the Onion offices “We give up.”

 

No joke. The Trump transition team has asked ffor the DOE to “provide a list of all Department of Energy employees or contractors” who have “worked on climate change policy.”
We throw the term McCarthyism around, but this time it may have nothing to do with Russia. #Scary

(if mean bitch Karma  wants to unleash a tsunami in South Florida, a good place to aim at would be Mar A Lago)

.-

Someone is running for President in 2020…. Ohio Gov. John Kasich rejected the so-called “heartbeat bill” which would have banned abortions after about 6 weeks. He did sign a bill preventing abortions after 20 weeks. #verysmallmercies

In Oklahoma, a law passed this summer will require all public restrooms by January 2018 to have anti-abortion signs posted. Many businesses oppose the measure, not for the message, but because there is no funding and they say it is an unfair mandate that will cost them a total of $2.3 million for the signs. #priorities.

Handcuffs are rings, right?

August 17, 2016

North Korean gymnast Ri Se-Gwang won a gold medal on the vault today, but appeared to be crying sadly on the podium. Probably because he wasn’t able to vault far enough from the guards who will be returning him to North Korea.

Members of the Irish Olympic Committee, including one on the IOC E-board, have been accused by Brazilian police of a scalping scheme involving more than 1,000 tickets. There’s corruption in the IOC? Wonder if they’re sponsoring gambling in Casablanca too?

A reigning Olympic diving champion today ended with an amazing belly-flop in the semi-finals. So Ilya Zakharov won’t get a medal. But he has a great chance to win a t-shirt in Carnival Cruises pool games.

Now there’s breaking news that a Brazilian judge has issued a search and seizure warrant for two of the swimmers who said they were robbed in Rio. Made-for-tv movie in 3-2-1…?

 

LeBron James on Team USA “Every time I watch ’em, I wish I was out there.” Uh, does King James mean playing basketball or hanging out on the luxury ship and playing beach volleyball?

Lebron James said his goal is to “own a team.” Well, actually the Cavs owned a lot of teams last season.

#‎SFGiants‬ weren’t as good as they looked 1st half of season. But can’t be as bad as they look in 2nd half. 1962 ‪#‎Mets‬ weren’t even THIS bad.

#‎MattCain‬ allows 6 runs in 1 inning on 2 hits. Flashback to that 1st year of Little League when kids graduated from coach pitch. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Phrase I DON’T want to hear on @SFGiants postgame show. ‪#‎MattCain‬ (as opposed to fill-in-the-blank) pitched better than score indicated.”

Stop the presses, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬  did get a hit in the first inning with a runner in scoring position.

A new Public Policy Polling survey found that three out of five Trump supporters in Texas want to secede if Hillary is elected. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country. ‪#‎letmypeoplego‬

 

Curt Schilling says he’s considering running for Senate to unseat Elizabeth Warren in Massachusetts. Can’t wait for her to tell him to put a bloody sock in it.

Major shake-up this morning in the @realDonaldTrump campaign. Clearly this is @HillaryClinton’s fault

New ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign CEO is Steve Bannon, head of ‪#‎Breitbart‬ News. So guess we’ve found one media outlet the Donald won’t be now attacking

 

So @realDonaldTrump is on his 3rd campaign manager & it’s only Aug. Who knew in a few short months he could have more managers than wives?

Donald Trump apparently sent out a 30 question survey to his supporters asking for help with the campaign. Question 1 is “Which issues are most important to you?” Not listed – “I just don’t want to vote for Hillary.”

 

While Donald Trump makes headlines nearly every day with some outrageous comment, Hillary Clinton continues to run a largely cautious campaign. Clearly she has no regard for US comedy writers – whatever will we do if she is elected? ‪#‎WewillalwayshaveBIll‬?

A solution to voter apathy?

July 13, 2016

So imagine what turnout could be in November if we put ‪#‎Pokestops‬ in voting booths. #‪#‎PokemonGO‬

 

At Stanford Shopping Center in California, a roving security robot allegedly ran over a toddler’s foot and knocked the child down. Was the robot texting at the time?

So the MLB All-Star Game is over, and now we again realize that after a voting process many people didn’t take very seriously, the result actually counts. Sort of like the GOP primary.

 

Tim Duncan, in talking about his retirement from the NBA, said he could “probably still play, but “It wasn’t fun at times. And I always said when that point comes when it’s not fun anymore then I’m done.”
And many of the 76ers, Knicks and Kobe’s ex-teammates,  for starters,  said “You mean it’s supposed to be fun?”

NBA commissioner Adam Silver just said that Kevin Durant going to the Warriors is “not ideal from a league standpoint.” Well, I’m sure that makes the Lakers feel so much better about their 2011 vetoed trade for Chris Paul.

In Nashville, a man had his face covered with toilet paper while he robbed a store. Witnesses said he appeared a little flushed.

The College Football Playoff is considering moving the semifinals from Dec. 31. “”We’re thinking about if New Year’s Eve is the way to go.”
Uh let’s see, last year’s Orange and Cotton Bowl semi-finals on Dec. 31 had 38.5 & 36.5 % drops in ratings from the year before. What was their first clue?

Interesting to see how many Republicans are upset by GInsburg’s anti-Trump comments and want her to recuse herself in cases going forward. Of course, these are the same people who wanted Scalia to recuse himself when his son was working for the firm George W. hired for Bush vs. Gore. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Forget what she thinks of Trump, now that the 2nd US Circuit Court has denied Tom Brady’s appeal, we really need to know what Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks of the Patriots.

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence is on Trump’s VP short list. Before anyone gets the sense that the Donald is considering getting off the crazy train, remember that in 2012 then congressman Pence likened the Supreme Court’s ruling upholding the Democratic health care law to 9-11.

 

As Trump decides on  his running mate, has anyone told Donald unlike marriage, he can’t just trade his choice in later on a younger model?

Trump apparently will announce his VP pick Friday. “It’s a little bit like ‘The Apprentice,” said Newt Gingrich, “You find out sooner or later who the last one standing is.”
Forget “The Apprentice,” isn’t it more like ‘Last Comic Standing.”?

The GOP is reportedly $6 million short of the $64 million fundraising goal they had for the convention next week in Cleveland. Can’t Trump get Mexico to pay for it?

Another reason Tim Duncan might have waited until this week to retire – it was too late for him to have to been “honored” at the ESPYs.

 

 

But the best of the ESPYs, if that’s not an oxymoron, was a great speech, seriously, from Craig Sager, diagnosed with terminal leukemia, “I’ve run with the bulls in Pamplona. I’ve raced with Mario Andretti in Indianapolis. I have climbed the Great Wall of China. I have jumped out of aeroplanes over Kansas. I have wrestled gators in Florida. I have sailed the ocean with Ted Turner. I swam with the oceans in the Caribbean. And I have interviewed Gregg Popovich, mid-game, Spurs down seven..
If I have learned anything through all of this, it is that each and every day is a canvas waiting to be painted, an opportunity for love, for fun, for living, for learning.”

Not with a bang nor a whimper

July 11, 2016

No farewell tour for Tim Duncan,  unless you say it was the same quiet tour he was on for almost two decades.

Of course unlike Kobe, Duncan figured his last season would extend beyond the regular season.

 

#‎TimDuncan‬ will be in Hall of Fame for many reasons. But this stat will probably never be matched again. He played 19 years, for ONE coach.

 

Draymond Green was arrested on assault charges in Michigan after what a police source called “basically an altercation between two guys.” And at this point, the Warriors and NBA have to be thinking “Well, at least it wasn’t a woman.”

Congrats to ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ for being named NL All-Star game starting pitcher. Not a bad consolation prize for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not getting Zack Greinke

 

You could have actually bet on the Home Run Derby winner tonight in Las Vegas. And if you seriously bet, and care, you just MIGHT have a gambling problem.

(But if you bet on Celebrity Softball you DEFINITELY have a problem.)

 

 

Ok, probably didn’t want to see him risk injury with 50 plus swings. But would have been fun to see a ‪#‎MadBum‬ cameo in ‪#‎HomeRunDerby‬

San Diego Padres All-Star Wil Myers today told the media “East Coast Mexican food is better than West Coast Mexican food.” Has someone checked Myers for concussions?

So many top ‪#‎NL‬ pitchers won’t be playing in this year’s All-Star game you’d almost think it was an Olympic event.

(or as my friend Steve L. says “or the GOP convention.)

Jordan Spieth is the latest golfer to withdraw from the Olympics. If this keeps up maybe Tiger Woods should consider going to Rio – he could win by attrition.

United flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt delayed almost two hours due to “catering difficulties.” Wouldn’t it have been faster to call Domino’s?

Starbucks is giving all US store employees and managers at least a 5% raise this year, plus improved stock benefits. And soon no doubt a generous low-interest loan payment plan for their regular customers.

#‎PokemonGO‬, the hottest new app in years, but it has security risks. As in players are likely to walk into trees. other people, & traffic.

Donald Trump today called himself the “law and order candidate.” As in “I make my own laws and don’t follow orders.”

GOP now pushing for a perjury probe against Hillary Clinton over her emails. Because of course they wanted the same probe with the Bush administration over those alleged WMDs. Oh, wait, never mind.

 

Got a free sample of Eye Repair Cream today, a solid white cream that claims to “reduce the look of dark circles and puffiness.” On the back – “For external use only.” ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

As ‪#‎BernieSanders‬ prepares to endorse ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ anyone but me half expect him to say at the last minute “Just kidding”?

 

With joke writing, you never know in advance about getting material, except this week – when Donald Trump will announce his running mate

The end i$ in $ight?

June 18, 2016

Ratings have been so high for ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ waiting for the first conspiracy theorist to suggest ‪#‎NBA‬ & officials will somehow try to get a game 8.

Some question as to whether or not Tim ‪#‎Lincecum‬ was ready to face major league hitting. Looks like he was at least ready to face the Oakland As.

Vin Scully last night, in talking about a player from Venezuela, said “socialism failing to work, as it always does.” To be fair, maybe Vin is upset about the Dodgers with MLB’s luxury tax and revenue sharing.

Major difference between the ‪#‎MEXvCHI‬ rout Saturday in Levi’s Stadium and most ‪#‎49ers‬ games?   Mexico fans filled the stadium and stayed longer.

And at 7-0 at least Chile scored a touchdown.

Among many ideas for redeveloping Penn Station in New York City,  is a proposed thrill ride that would charge $35 for a free fall experience.  Uh, okay, but for locals who really enjoy free-falling, aren’t they already satisfied with the Knicks?

 

#‎ChelseaClinton‬ has announced the birth of a baby boy, ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬‘s 2nd grandchild. Waiting for the ‪#‎GOP‬ rebuttal.

 

Billionaire Charles Koch has not endorsed in the presidential race, but last month he contributed $3 million to “Freedom Partners” a super PAC supporting GOP senators. Maybe the PAC should rename itself honestly – “Republicans Surviving Hillary Because We Won’t Survive Trump.

A frustrated Donald Trump “It would be helpful if the Republicans could help us a little bit.” The GOP to Trump “Back at ya.”

The Trump campaign sent out an email “Right now we’re facing an emergency goal of $100,000 to help get our ads on the air. We need your contribution by 11:59 P.M. Tonight.”
Finally, Trump is acting like a real candidate.

Sarah Palin posted a rant today on Facebook starting out “President Obama is a Special Kind of Stupid.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

#‎MSN‬ poll: 74% in US think ‪#‎Game7‬ will be close. (34% ‪#‎Cavs‬, 40% ‪#‎Warriors‬.) Shocking, 74% think any 2016 ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ game will be close?

Nasty brutish and short?

June 5, 2016

Refs in Oakland did call travelling tonight on Lebron James. Time for a congressional investigation? ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

 

#‎Lebron‬ & ‪#‎Cavs‬ in game 2 of ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ were so bad ‪#‎ESPN‬ might air new special ‪#‎TheDecision‬ – on where ‪#‎Cleveland‬ plans to go for vacation.

Denver Broncos CB Aqib Talib was treated and released from a Dallas hospital after being shot in the leg at a Dallas nightclub. This is the same Talib who was indicted for allegedly pistol-whipping and shooting at his sister’s boyfriend in 2011, and questioned last year at the scene of an aggravated assault also at a Dallas nightclub.
Even Johnny Manziel is thinking this guy needs to get a grip.

Police in Vacaville, California arrested five people for allegedly stealing $4,700 of Red Bull from local stores. Hmm, if the stuff really does give you wings wouldn’t they have flown the coup?

They are now selling “Golden Grahams” cereal in boxes that feature Jose Bautista’s bat flip on the front. Wonder if kids who eat it are likely to get punched at school?

Former George W. Bush Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defending Donald Trump for calling out a Hispanic judge: “If judges are not perceived as being impartial, the public will quickly lose confidence in the rule of law upon which our nation is based.”
Oh, I don’t know, Americans recovered pretty quickly after the 2000 election.

ESPN just reported that ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ has more career grand-slam home runs than ‪#‎DerekJeter‬

 

Ryan Howard says a fan at his home Citizens Bank Ballpark threw a beer bottle at him. Not good. But really, isn’t selling beer in bottles in Philadelphia like selling arms to militants?

 

Gary Byrne, a former Secret Service agent in the Clinton White House, is releasing a “tell-all: book next month about his time there and how the culture “sickened” him. And of course the fact that a book anytime in the last 8 years before the election cycle would have received little notice has nothing to with it. ‪#‎money‬

Donald Trump is doubling down on criticism on the Hispanic judge overseeing the Trump University trial, and says now he thinks he wouldn’t get a fair trial from a Muslim judge either. Time to start the pool on when he adds women judges to the list?

 

Waiting for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ to say no one can judge him. Because really he has no peers.

 

The father of the former Stanford swimmer convicted of rape and sentenced to 6 months in jall has written an open letter talking about how his son’s “life has been deeply altered forever…. he will never be his happy go lucky self…his life will never be the one he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 years of life,”
Well, yeah, and can’t imagine how all that apple and tree theory got started.

From Marc Ragovin “The Yankees are holding their Old Timers game this upcoming Sunday. Or as its otherwise known, a split-squad scrimmage.”