Posted tagged ‘Lebron jokes’

United we kneel?

September 23, 2017

Give Donald Trump credit. Who else could have united  Lebron James and Warriors.

 

Nerd nation.   The Chicago Bulls’ Robin Lopez,  formerly of Stanford:   “It’s ok , in a few months probably won’t be able to visit the White House either”

 

Waiting seriously for the first white NFL QB to #TakeAKnee during anthem in support of teammates and free speech.

At this point @realDonaldTrump might be rivaling #DanSnyder for the most hated man for sports fans in DC.

Odd thing about Trump tweet is if you wanted to pick NBA star who most appealed to whites would be probably be Steph Curry.

And President Trump. if you want to talk about an NBA player in a tweet now, it should maybe it should be the one spearheading relief efforts in the U.S. Virgin Islands – Tim Duncan.

Good to know w/ all the tough issues facing our country @realDonaldTrump finds time for important things, like attacking Kaepernick & Curry.

NY Giants made a statement against Trump and in support of their players NY Jets said they would not make a statement.  Jets owner Woody Johnson is a friend of Trump and the US ambassador to England. I am sure it’s just a coincidence.

As Trump spends Saturday, trashing sportsmen who disagree w/ him Gregg Popovich has to be thinking “Who am I, chopped liver?” @spurs

Rutgers football got 2 yr probation for “failing to monitor” program. Would be bigger deal if Scarlet Knights had chance in hell for bowls.

So when the Warriors visit Washington DC maybe they can all be invited to Barack Obama’s house?

A New Orleans mayoral candidate using the slogan “Make New Orleans Fun Again” is facing a charge of lewd conduct after allegedly being caught masturbating in a Los Angeles Uber. Well, that’s one definition of fun.

TC points out   “TV ratings for the Chargers and Rams home LA games in NFL week 2 were were brutal. Fans longed for the days when LA did not have any NFL teams and they got the Seahawks and even  the  49er games were beamed in.”

Inspired by friend Rich K. would Trump respect NFL players if instead of taking knee they tried to run people over w/ cars?

 –
Disrespecting country isn’t kneeling for anthem, disrespecting country is tweets trashing athletes while millions suffer in Puerto Rico.

Base medals?

May 21, 2017

Now turns out Rio Olympic medals are “falling to pieces.” Should make everyone feel real comfortable now living in former Olympic housing

Tim Tebow hit his third home run of the year for the single-A Columbia Fireflies. A real shame he can’t hit against the Mets bullpen.

Isaiah Thomas was out for game 3 of the Eastern Conference finals.  Maybe Lebron decided to even things out by not playing either?

I’m sure what’s left of the Spurs would appreciate Durant doing the same thing tomorrow in game 4.

 

In Zimbabwe, a big game hunter leading a safari was killed when an elephant he was hunting was shot and fell on top of him.  Mean bitch karma for a nice little win.

 

They’ve announced a sequel will be made to the original “Mamma Mia” movie with the original cast, including Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan,  Amanda Seyfried, Colin Firth etc.

This news will thrill women, gays, and about 5 straight men.

Wondering why Trump voters won’t get upset w/ him not using phrase “radical Islamic terrorism? Maybe because Fox won’t tell them he didn’t.

Anyone have any doubt what Donald Trump would have had said had he lost election and HillaryClinton signed arms deal w  Saudi Arabia.

Saudis are used to ruling families. So maybe they figure having Ivanka and Jared as surrogates makes sense. #TrumpinSaudi

Ivanka Trump praised Saudis for progress on women’s rights. That’s like praising Kardashians for progress in educational television.

Now Trump wants to gut the budget of the Office of National Drug Control Policy. While Sessions wants to lock all drug users up for the maximum sentences allowed. Never thought I’d miss “compassionate conservatism.”

Trump canceled a public appearance today on foreign trip because he was too tired. Anyone got a picture of him fainting into a motorcade?

 

Serious post about Democratic politics: Does anyone think Donald Trump was most Republicans’ first choice?
Whatever they thought of him, many in the GOP figured, correctly, that he would if President try to advance their agenda. So they held their noses and voted.
Meanwhile, I’ve already heard Democrats talking about 2020 and candidates they won’t support because of some perceived failed litmus lest. #Thisisthewaytolose

Harsh

January 27, 2017

ESPN reports Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski apparently is disciplining players by temporarily kicking them out of the locker room and forbidding them from wearing team gear.
Shame coach K is at Duke, at many top basketball schools he could issue the ultimate punishment – make them go to class.

Seahawks assistant coach Rocky Seto is leaving the team to enter the ministry. Hmm, if he really wants to be around  a lot of people praying every Sunday, maybe Seto should join the 49ers.

LeBron James was already unhappy about Cavs roster. Now Cleveland lost to Sacramento Kings. Who’s getting fired this time?

Things are getting crazy enough in U.S. that Americans are actually looking forward to the sober sensibility of Super Bowl media week.

OT Joe Thomas says the Browns should use their first pick on a pass rusher. Now, before Deshaun Watson gets too happy about potentially dodging that bullet, remember, the #2 pick goes to the 49ers.

Steve Bannon “I want you to quote this. The media here is the opposition party.” Time to subscribe to another newspaper. #Resist

On a positive note, have to guess that President Trump is really really good for U.S. wine sales.

Dow when Obama took office, 7949. Dow when Obama left, 19,887. Now Trump taking credit for Dow 20,000. Talk about Hidden Figures.

President wants a 20% tax on all U.S. imports from Mexico to pay for the wall. Uh, $2.8 billion of that is beer. Drink up, Trump voters.

Scientists have moved #doomsdayclock closer to midnight. Kellyanne Conway explains that White House clock runs on alternative time.

While 20% Mexico tariffs make their fruit expensive, we build a wall to keep immigrants out. Uh, who’s going to pick the fruit we grow?

Now Mexican Pres. Nieto isn’t attending a meeting w/ Trump Jan 31.over wall $$$.. But who needs Mexico when Trump Tower has best taco bowls?

Reince Priebus ‘If you defy the laws of this country, you shouldn’t receive federal taxpayer dollars’
But if you settle a fraud lawsuit for $25 million you can live in taxpayer-paid housing.

Who says I never post anything nice about Republicans?! Vamos Lindsey!

“Simply put, any policy proposal which drives up costs of Corona, tequila, or margaritas is a big-time bad idea. Mucho Sad. (2)”

The Trump administration is likely to eliminate a proposed DOT rule requiring airlines and travel agents to disclose baggage fees during a fare search.
Well, of course, travelers who don’t like baggage fees should just use a private plane.

GOP voters today: “Fantastic, Trump shrinking govt & instituting hiring freeze.” GOP voters next month. “Why can’t i get my call answered?”

Poopy heads?

December 13, 2016

Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman, angry at the NFL’s scheduling of Thursday night games, referred to them as a “Poopfest.” Would that be the title of a potential 49ers Browns game?

As fans wait for the end of 49ers season, remember that SF was sure they could win without Jim Harbaugh. And they have, 6 times in 2 years.

Jim Harbaugh told Michigan players rumors of him returning to NFL are “lies spread by our enemies”. Will he next accuse  Putin of being an Ohio State fan?

Lebron James wore a discreet safety pin on his lapel for the SI Sportsman of the Year cover. You may not like Lebron on the court, you may not agree with his politics. But the guy is a great role model for celebrities who want to express political views with class. IMHO.

An American Airlines flight from Charlotte to San Francisco diverted with a mechanical problem to Phoenix for 5 1/2 hours. No word on compensation for passengers, especially on the most important question – “Do we get extra frequent flier miles?

From Bill Littlejohn : “Jennifer Lawrence is in a bit of hot water after relating a story in which she used sacred Hawaiian rocks to scratch her itching derriere.  .Butt Fumble II?”

But hey, maybe she just wants to date Mark Sanchez.

#GarthBrooks will apparently not be performing at #Trump‘s inaugural. Guess he doesn’t have friends in THAT low of places.

So how many reasons did #RickPerry give @realDonaldTrump to choose him as Secretary of Energy?

So why did Trump appoint Rick Perry Secretary of Energy?
Because there was no Secretary of Arithmetic?

President Obama today signed the “21st Century Cures Act”, a $6.3 billion bipartisan bill to fight cancer and streamline the FDA approval process for drugs and medical device. It also includes $1 billion for states to fight substance abuse and drug addiction.
Waiting for the Trump rebuttal.

At Trump Tower, Kanye West met w/ President-Elect Donald Trump this am to discuss becoming “an ambassador of sorts.”

At the Onion offices “We give up.”

 

No joke. The Trump transition team has asked ffor the DOE to “provide a list of all Department of Energy employees or contractors” who have “worked on climate change policy.”
We throw the term McCarthyism around, but this time it may have nothing to do with Russia. #Scary

(if mean bitch Karma  wants to unleash a tsunami in South Florida, a good place to aim at would be Mar A Lago)

.-

Someone is running for President in 2020…. Ohio Gov. John Kasich rejected the so-called “heartbeat bill” which would have banned abortions after about 6 weeks. He did sign a bill preventing abortions after 20 weeks. #verysmallmercies

In Oklahoma, a law passed this summer will require all public restrooms by January 2018 to have anti-abortion signs posted. Many businesses oppose the measure, not for the message, but because there is no funding and they say it is an unfair mandate that will cost them a total of $2.3 million for the signs. #priorities.

Handcuffs are rings, right?

August 17, 2016

North Korean gymnast Ri Se-Gwang won a gold medal on the vault today, but appeared to be crying sadly on the podium. Probably because he wasn’t able to vault far enough from the guards who will be returning him to North Korea.

Members of the Irish Olympic Committee, including one on the IOC E-board, have been accused by Brazilian police of a scalping scheme involving more than 1,000 tickets. There’s corruption in the IOC? Wonder if they’re sponsoring gambling in Casablanca too?

A reigning Olympic diving champion today ended with an amazing belly-flop in the semi-finals. So Ilya Zakharov won’t get a medal. But he has a great chance to win a t-shirt in Carnival Cruises pool games.

Now there’s breaking news that a Brazilian judge has issued a search and seizure warrant for two of the swimmers who said they were robbed in Rio. Made-for-tv movie in 3-2-1…?

 

LeBron James on Team USA “Every time I watch ’em, I wish I was out there.” Uh, does King James mean playing basketball or hanging out on the luxury ship and playing beach volleyball?

Lebron James said his goal is to “own a team.” Well, actually the Cavs owned a lot of teams last season.

#‎SFGiants‬ weren’t as good as they looked 1st half of season. But can’t be as bad as they look in 2nd half. 1962 ‪#‎Mets‬ weren’t even THIS bad.

#‎MattCain‬ allows 6 runs in 1 inning on 2 hits. Flashback to that 1st year of Little League when kids graduated from coach pitch. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Phrase I DON’T want to hear on @SFGiants postgame show. ‪#‎MattCain‬ (as opposed to fill-in-the-blank) pitched better than score indicated.”

Stop the presses, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬  did get a hit in the first inning with a runner in scoring position.

A new Public Policy Polling survey found that three out of five Trump supporters in Texas want to secede if Hillary is elected. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country. ‪#‎letmypeoplego‬

 

Curt Schilling says he’s considering running for Senate to unseat Elizabeth Warren in Massachusetts. Can’t wait for her to tell him to put a bloody sock in it.

Major shake-up this morning in the @realDonaldTrump campaign. Clearly this is @HillaryClinton’s fault

New ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign CEO is Steve Bannon, head of ‪#‎Breitbart‬ News. So guess we’ve found one media outlet the Donald won’t be now attacking

 

So @realDonaldTrump is on his 3rd campaign manager & it’s only Aug. Who knew in a few short months he could have more managers than wives?

Donald Trump apparently sent out a 30 question survey to his supporters asking for help with the campaign. Question 1 is “Which issues are most important to you?” Not listed – “I just don’t want to vote for Hillary.”

 

While Donald Trump makes headlines nearly every day with some outrageous comment, Hillary Clinton continues to run a largely cautious campaign. Clearly she has no regard for US comedy writers – whatever will we do if she is elected? ‪#‎WewillalwayshaveBIll‬?

Nasty brutish and short?

June 5, 2016

Refs in Oakland did call travelling tonight on Lebron James. Time for a congressional investigation? ‪#‎NBAFinals‬

 

#‎Lebron‬ & ‪#‎Cavs‬ in game 2 of ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ were so bad ‪#‎ESPN‬ might air new special ‪#‎TheDecision‬ – on where ‪#‎Cleveland‬ plans to go for vacation.

Denver Broncos CB Aqib Talib was treated and released from a Dallas hospital after being shot in the leg at a Dallas nightclub. This is the same Talib who was indicted for allegedly pistol-whipping and shooting at his sister’s boyfriend in 2011, and questioned last year at the scene of an aggravated assault also at a Dallas nightclub.
Even Johnny Manziel is thinking this guy needs to get a grip.

Police in Vacaville, California arrested five people for allegedly stealing $4,700 of Red Bull from local stores. Hmm, if the stuff really does give you wings wouldn’t they have flown the coup?

They are now selling “Golden Grahams” cereal in boxes that feature Jose Bautista’s bat flip on the front. Wonder if kids who eat it are likely to get punched at school?

Former George W. Bush Attorney General Alberto Gonzales defending Donald Trump for calling out a Hispanic judge: “If judges are not perceived as being impartial, the public will quickly lose confidence in the rule of law upon which our nation is based.”
Oh, I don’t know, Americans recovered pretty quickly after the 2000 election.

ESPN just reported that ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ has more career grand-slam home runs than ‪#‎DerekJeter‬

 

Ryan Howard says a fan at his home Citizens Bank Ballpark threw a beer bottle at him. Not good. But really, isn’t selling beer in bottles in Philadelphia like selling arms to militants?

 

Gary Byrne, a former Secret Service agent in the Clinton White House, is releasing a “tell-all: book next month about his time there and how the culture “sickened” him. And of course the fact that a book anytime in the last 8 years before the election cycle would have received little notice has nothing to with it. ‪#‎money‬

Donald Trump is doubling down on criticism on the Hispanic judge overseeing the Trump University trial, and says now he thinks he wouldn’t get a fair trial from a Muslim judge either. Time to start the pool on when he adds women judges to the list?

 

Waiting for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ to say no one can judge him. Because really he has no peers.

 

The father of the former Stanford swimmer convicted of rape and sentenced to 6 months in jall has written an open letter talking about how his son’s “life has been deeply altered forever…. he will never be his happy go lucky self…his life will never be the one he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 years of life,”
Well, yeah, and can’t imagine how all that apple and tree theory got started.

From Marc Ragovin “The Yankees are holding their Old Timers game this upcoming Sunday. Or as its otherwise known, a split-squad scrimmage.”

Benched?

June 2, 2016

Lebron James called the 2014 San Antonio Spurs the best team he’d ever faced. After NBA Finals game 1, where Cleveland was beaten by the Golden State bench, looking like the Cavs couldn’t even come close to beating the 2016 Spurs.

 

Some of these officiating delays in the ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ make you long for the quick decisions of ‪#‎MLB‬ instant replay. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

In the Barry Bonds days, no one wanted to leave their seat at home or in front of the TV when he was due up to bat. Not that he’s THAT good, but it’s beginning to feel the same way when you know Madison Bumgarner will have an AB. ‪#‎anythingcanhappen‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

SFGiants have a message for all ‪#‎DH‬ fans who say no one wants to watch a pitcher hit. ‪#‎STFU‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoReallyRake‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬

Starbucks is teaming up with Anheuser-Busch for a bottled version of their “Teavana” tea. The product, however, won’t have any actual beer in it. Just like Bud Light.

 

A Crimson Tide coach, Bo Davis, resigned this spring over illegal contact with a recruit. But Nick Saban has been complaining about the Wolverines’ satellite camps. Jim Harbaugh’s Twitter response “‘Amazing’ to me – Alabama broke NCAA rules & now their HC is lecturing us on the possibility of rules being broken at camps. Truly ‘amazing.’
How much do we want to see Michigan-Alabama in college football now? ‪#‎whatsyourdeal‬

Jeffery Simmons, the 12th ranked DE recruit in the US, was arrested and charged with assault and disturbing the peace this March. A video showed him hitting a woman several times. Mississippi State said Simmons will be given a one-game suspension and allowed to play football, but with “conditions attached.”
The number one condition being that he play well on the field?

Sad. Prince apparently died of a opiod overdose. So Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t have surgery, but they can drug themselves to death?

 –

Bernard Marcus, the founder of Home Depot, has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Presumably because he hopes Trump will need to shop at Home Depot to built that wall.

Taylor Swift’s boyfriend of 15 month, Calvin Harris, apparently just broke up with HER. Well, at least the song should be different this time.
The graduate student who fatally shot a UCLA professor had accused the professor of stealing his work. So yeah, what we need in a high-stress college environment is for all students and professors to be armed. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Paul Ryan said he’ll vote for Donald Trump in November. Did they legalize marijuana in Wisconsin and not tell us?

 

The AP reports that after Texas Gov. Greg Abbott dropped a state probe into Trump University, the Donald gave Abbott a $35,000 donation to his campaign. Five words: “Damn, I miss Molly Ivins.”

Are we sure this isn’t hockey?

May 28, 2016

If the Oklahoma City Thunder played a three period game instead of four, they’d have been awaiting the Cleveland Cavaliers for a while now.

 

 

 

#‎Westbrook‬ & ‪#‎Durant‬ asked about leaning on teammates in gm. 7 of Western Conf.Finals. Response from both “we have teammates? ‪#‎OKCvsGSW‬

 

Christmas present idea for ‪#‎NBA‬ fans. ‪#‎Thunder‬ neckties. Just sized tight enough to choke? ‪#‎GSWvsOKC‬

 

Durant and Westbrook were both sort of dissing Steph Curry. Now I’m no NBA psychology expert but wouldn’t it be smarter to trash talk the guy who was one flagrant foul away from suspension ‪#‎DraymondGreen‬

 

Forget the idea of a ‪#‎SandersTrumpDebate‬ debate. If it’s all about ratings and with all the hoopla over ‪#‎Hamilton‬, why don’t the two men meet in a real duel?

 

If mean bitch karma got really mad at pitchers she would have invented ‪#‎CoorsField‬. ‪#‎Rockies‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

And after Madison Bumgarner lost a win over a bullpen malfunction, at least the SF Giants won, and hey, it was a real #Madbum start because he got an RBI. ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬-

One of the Washington Wizards was detained and then released by TSA at an airport. Means Lakers players better not fly commercial this summer – they could be arrested and charged with impersonating professional athletes.

#‎LebronJames‬ gave  major respect to ‪#‎Toronto‬ ‪#‎Raptors‬ fans & to Canada after the NBA finals game 6.  Maybe knowing many of his US fans might want to emigrate after November?

 –

A toddler has been hospitalized in Cincinnati with non-life threatening injuries after falling into the gorilla enclosure. And a 17-year old gorilla was shot and killed.  Maybe her parents might want to do a stint in with the lions? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butyoucanfeedstupidtocats‬

Lionfish, with their venomous spines, were first imported into the U.S. for aquariums. Now they have become an invasive species. But Whole Foods has started selling their meat in stores, and says they will take care of the poison parts.
Talk about a win-win. Get some nasty fish out of the ecosystem, and if Whole Foods is wrong, well, it’s not the underprivileged who will suffer.

Who says I never have a kind word to say about Sarah Palin. She just called Donald Trump “a golden wrecking ball.”

 

Trump staffers are now apparently afraid their offices have been bugged. Come on, really? What could possibly leak that is more embarrassing than anything the Donald says himself?

 

Weekend thought:  Unisex restrooms are a bad idea. Said no woman who has ever waited in a long women’s room line ever.

Messing with Texas.

January 26, 2016

Against Golden State tonight, San Antonio turned the ball over so often you have to wonder if Carlson Palmer was involved.

Apparently Johnny Manziel spent Sunday afternoon watching the Patriots and Broncos while drinking and partying at a Dallas bar. Well, makes sense. Guessing this will be one more in a long line of NFL playoff games that Manziel will be watching at a bar.

 

Lebron James, talking about Tyronn Lue’s “vision” of implementing an up-coming offense. “I don’t know. We don’t know. This is what Coach wants to do… this isn’t a LeBron thing.” Translation, if it doesn’t work, Lue’s tenure could be nasty, brutal and short.

Tom Brady, after yesterday’s loss, says he has “no excuses.” No worries, no doubt Giselle has plenty of them.

Khloe Kardashian said of Lamar Odom that, “he’s doing great, but his memory’s not so good.” Maybe he’s doing great because he forgot he was married to a Kardashian?

Donald Rumsfeld said that George H.W. Bush’s criticisms of him are not “very helpful” to Jeb’s run for the presidency. With all due respect, the person who is the least helpful to Jeb’s run for the presidency is Jeb.

In Orlando, two former tech employees have filed a lawsuit, claiming Disney colluded with consulting companies in using H-1B visas to hire people from India to replace them. Not sure what will happen, but between legal fees and a possible settlement, sounds like ticket prices are going up.

#‎RickPerry‬ has endorsed ‪#‎TedCruz‬. Wonder how many reasons the Texas Governor gave for the endorsement?

Glenn Beck today called Donald Trump a “very dangerous man” after Trump’s remarks about shooting someone last week. Just how insane do you have to be for Beck to call you dangerous? ‪#‎guessweknowtheanswertothatquestion‬

A Texas grand jury looking into allegations against Planned Parenthood has issued indictments  – against the anti-abortion activists who made the videos.  Waiting for some GOP candidate to say, “Well, of course that’s what happens in a commie-pinko blue state…. Oops, never mind.

So now that the Texas grand jury has cleared Planned Parenthood but indicted the people who made those misleading videos can we name Carly Fiorina as an unindicted co-conspirator?

 

Donald Trump says he could shoot someone dead on Fifth Avenue and not lose any votes.  And somewhere Charlie Crist is thinking “But just try putting your arm around President Obama.”

Chris Christie, in response to a questioner who asked him why he was in New Hampshire campaigning instead of back in New Jersey dealing with storm damage and flooding “What do you want me to do, bring a mop?”
If he does get the nomination, Christie could do the near impossible – make Hillary Clinton look warm and fuzzy.

This bus-to-hell moment brought to you by Alex Kaseberg  “Alaska was hit with a 7.2 earthquake. It was so bad it knocked Bristol Palin off the dude she just met.”

The King’s speech?

January 23, 2016

The Cleveland Cavaliers, 30-11, have fired coach David Blatt. Wait a minute, the Cavs had a coach besides Lebron?

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers say LeBron James was not consulted in the firing of David Blatt. Right. Lebron was, however, reportedly heard to say “Will no one rid me of this troublesome coach?

 

A 21-year-old University of Virginia student who was on a 5-day tour out of China has been arrested in North Korea, for allegedly committing a ‘hostile act under orders from Washington.”
Thinking, if you are American who goes voluntarily to North Korea, and your name isn’t Rodman, you deserve what you get. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Jeffery H. Cohen, 70, of Pittsburgh died last week. In his obituary: Jeffrey would ask that in lieu of flowers, please do not vote for Donald Trump.”
Well, the primary is April 26, don’t suppose that for him Cohen’s family could file a VERY absentee ballot?

Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” has endorsed Donald Trump. But his dad Phil has endorsed Ted Cruz. Well, it could do wonders for ratings if father and son decide to settle this with a duel.

 

Bar owners near Wrigley Field are worried about the Cubs’ new outdoor plaza area, specifically that the team might try to undersell them on beer. This would never happen near Yankee Stadium – the Yankees will never sell beer lower than ANYBODY.

It’s the 43rd anniversary of ‪#‎RoevWade‬ and the Wisconsin state senate just voted to take away $8 million in federal funds for Planned Parenthood. So wonder how many unwanted pregnancies and thus potential abortions THAT will result in….

Why there is no satire: The New York City Department of Parks had planned a snow festival in the city this weekend. It has been canceled – due to snow.

 

So now that Jonas is turning out to be the real deal, there are two numbers for storm watchers to speculate about: How many Inches of snow? And how many weekend Darwin award winners?

 

Bus to hell guest sport from TC  “Singer Don MacLean was arrested this week for domestic assault. His lawyer is blaming it on too much whiskey and rye.”

 

 

Not ready for Prime-time?

July 15, 2015

Alabama coach Nick Saban, whose Crimson Tide lost to OSU in the college football playoffs, says his “team chemistry from the SEC Championship Game to the playoff was affected by something.” And Saban thinks it was the approaching deadline to declare for the NFL draft. Well, it sure wasn’t their studies.

The reviews are in, and apparently Amazon’s ‪#‎PrimeDay‬ is a ‪#‎Subprimeday‬.

This trend is not in keeping with the God-like nature and dignity of cats. But, okay, it’s funny. #trumpyourcat
trumpyourcat
Donald Trump was bragging today that he is worth $10 billion. That must give such a warm fuzzy feeling to creditors of his four companies that have declared bankruptcy.

 

A Republican congressman from Florida is positing Trump’s candidacy is really a Democratic plot.  Not likely. As if anyone thinks the Democratic party is that organized.
The IRS reported the hold time for customers trying to reach customer service reps between Jan 1-April 18, 2015 was 23 minutes, and that only 37% of taxpayers who called actually got through. Wow Are they trying to run a government agency or an airline?

Florida sure seems determined to win the internet this week. From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “A Florida man was arrested for having sex with bound and gagged alligator. He’s writing a book about it called: “50 Shades of Everglades.”

 

 

Dr. Steven Hotze, president of Conservative Republicans of Texas says that gay marriage is to “celebrate those that participate in anal sex.” And they will teach it to kids in schools. Kids will be encouraged to practice sodomy in kindergarten.”

So Hotze thinks that previously kids have been encouraged to practice vaginal sex in kindergarten?

 

 

 

Nothing against Caitlyn Jenner.  Absolutely respect her decision, and she made a very good speech.  But the Arthur Ashe award on the ESPYs should have gone to Lauren Hill. Period.

 

Not that anyone saves a prime space in their trophy room for an ESPY. But okay, Madison Bumgarner loses “Best Championship Performance” not to American Pharoah, but to LeBron James, who DIDN’T WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP. I call bullsh*t. Irrelevant bullsh*t, but bullsh*t nonetheless.

(and then they give best male athlete to Steph Curry.  Not a bad choice.  But so Lebron  beats Madbum but  doesn’t even win the best basketball player of the year…?  #anythingbuthonoringabaseballplayerwhoisntDerekJeter

Broken dreams.

July 12, 2015

Lebron James says he still has “nightmares” over Cleveland’s loss to Golden State ” I can never get away from losing in the Finals.” Don’t they say practice makes perfect?

 

Bruce Bochy has added Clayton Kershaw to the NL All-Star SF Giants fans have no problem with this. Maybe Bochy can pitch him for 8 innings?

Max Scherzer is pitching today and so will miss the All-Star game. And the Nationals, who saw Madison Bumgarner last year, are thinking, “If we win the NL and have Max Scherzer, we don’t need no stinking home field advantage.”

 

The Knicks beat the Spurs, 78-73 in their first Summer League game in Las Vegas yesterday. The game was also the head coaching debut of Becky Hammon. And everyone survived just fine. ‪#‎Thetimestheyareachangin‬

Buffalo Bills OL coach Aaron Kromer was arrested this morning in Florida for allegedly punching a boy in the face. And at NFL headquarters they’re thinking “At least it wasn’t a girl.”

Jayson Tatum, the #2 ranked 2016 basketball recruit, has committed to join the Blue Devils, saying “I love the way the program is run and I love the way the academics are set up.” So Tatum is thinking Duke has the best 1 year high school post-graduate program in the country?

NY Rep. Carolyn Maloney today cited the World Cup in calling for gender pay equality. “Women are being short-changed in soccer. We need to step up and work for equal pay.” The U.S. women’s national team received $2 million, whereas the men got $8 million for losing in the round of 16.

Well, and no doubt that’s because of TV ratings. The Women’s final had 25.4 million viewers, only about 2 million more than this year’s NBA finals game 6 and 2014’s World Series game 7. Oops, never mind.

 

Donald Trump is bragging that 15,000 supporters came to watch his Phoenix speech, and that tickets to ‘free’ event sold online for as much as $100. Right. But what’s more American than turning out for a really spectacular circus?

Joaquin Guzman, “El Chapo”, who was the most wanted drug lord in the world until his 2014 arrest, apparently escaped from a Mexican maximum security prison for the second time.

Maybe they ought to rethink that “maximum security” part? ‪#‎Whatsminimumsecurity‬?

 

Donald Trump, surprise, is seizing on the escape of drug lord “El Chapo” from a Mexican maximum security as proof of that country’s corruption. So what was the escape of two murderers from a U.S. maximum security prison proof of…?

Tear down that flag

June 17, 2015

Covering something serious first this time.  Was just in Memphis at the Lorraine Motel Civil Rights  Museum, where one of their  exhibition on the 1963 Birmingham Church bombing.  A horrible moment in U.S. history, and one you’d LIKE to think we’d moved beyond.   But apparently not.

 

Tomorrow morning in South Carolina the flags will be at half-staff. At the State House, that means the U.S. flag AND the Confederate flag. Too much to hope I suppose that they never raise that Confederate one again….

Apparently Charleston police briefly handcuffed a young white man who fit the description of the shooter, but quickly released him, unharmed, when they realized he was not the right person. Wonder what would have happened if a young black man had been suspected of shooting nine white people?

 

 

But since if we don’t laugh the terrorists win, including the domestic terrorists.    So, though my heart goes out to the friends and families of the victims,  below are jokes written earlier in the evening.

The University of Texas has just approved the sale of beer to the general public at Darrell K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium, capacity over 100,000 for the 2015 football season, And the state has just legalized firearms on college campuses. ‪#‎WhatcouldPOSSIBLYgowrong‬?

It pains me to say anything nice about a Dodger. But I do love this tweet from Brandon McCarthy. “in keeping with baseball tradition, a Houston exec should walk into the STL offices and hit their best front office guy with a fastball.” ‪#‎hackgate‬

The FCC is going to fine AT&T $100 million for “severely” slowing down data speeds for customers who bought so-called “unlimited” mobile data plans. $100 million?!! So assume AT&T will raise rates to a total tune about $150 million to cover their costs.

Lebron James after the Finals – “We ran out of talent.” And current Lakers fans are going “what is talent?”

As great a run as San Francisco Bay area teams have had, neither the SF Giants nor the Warriors have clinched a championship in front of a home crowd. And now with the 2016 Super Bowl at Levi’s Stadium, pretty sure that tradition will continue.

Johnny Manziel said hs trademark money sign “will not be back. I will not be making it out there.” Which we can all hope is a sign of maturity. Or a realization he won’t be having much on the field to celebrate.

Jim Harbaugh has decided to hold 11 satellite football camps in 7 different states for high school players. which he says is about “sharing a love for football.” Adding, “in my America you’re allowed to cross borders.” Some other coaches, especially in the ACC and SEC, say it’s recruiting and are are apoplectic – Nick Saban says it’s a “competitive disadvantage.”

Not sure about that, but any coach who can upset Nick Saban and the SEC is likely to pick up a lot of fans all across the USA.

Really, KNBR, Really?! The SF Giants’ and GS Warriors’ flagship radio station is running a Father’s Day contest for listeners to share their favorite sports memories with dad. That’s cool.  But what about a Mother’s Day contest for sharing your favorite sports memory with MOM!?

 

So with ‪#‎SFGiants‬ in Seattle they need a ‪#‎DH‬. Can’t ‪#‎Madbum‬ hit and let ‪#‎McGehee‬ be the DH?

Apparently Rep. Darrell Issa was kicked out of a closed hearing on Benghazi that he hadn’t been invited to in Washington, D.C. What’s most surprising? The chairman who escorted him out was a fellow Republican. ‪#‎toocrazyevenforawitchhunt‬?

 

My friend Tom forwards this “wish I’d thought of that”  line from his friend Cliff Miller.  “Suggested Trump campaign slogan: We shall overcomb!”

Hawk-ey nigt.

June 15, 2015

The Stanley Cup was late in arriving after the Blackhawks win tonight due to “weather issues.”. Rather appropriate for a team that plays in Chicago’s United Center.

But yeah, nothing says it’s time for the NHL’s Stanley Cup Final like summer thunderstorms.

 

 

You know you’re in San Francisco when…the best part of a really bad ‪#‎SFGiants‬ game is the gay marriage proposal. ‪#‎hesaidyes‬

 

As the last sections of ‪#Candlestickpark‬ come down, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are in the midst of one of their worst home losing streaks. Coincidence?

 

One of Aaron Hernandez’s lawyers says he has evidence that one of the jurors was “untruthful” during jury selection. Translation, Hernandez isn’t out of money yet.

It’s June 15. And if it seems like you can’t remember the NBA regular season…..well, that might be because it ended TWO MONTHS AGO today. ‪#‎stillnosignoflandhowlongisit‬

Considering how competitive Lebron James is making the NBA finals almost all by himself, it does make the Spurs’ 2014 performance all the more amazing since they beat James when he actually had a team, and two other stars, playing with him.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled not to see an AL All-Star team full of Yankees and Red Sox Players. But seven Royals starting? And fans can vote a maximum of 35 times per email address. Great to have World Series home advantage decided in part by a process with all the integrity of American Idol.

Pope Francis apparently will be issuing an encyclical on the environment saying that climate change is the Earth’s way of protesting “irresponsible use and abuse of the goods that God placed in her.” Waiting for some religious conservatives to respond “Yeah, well what does HE know?”

Jeb Bush’s campaign logo is going to read simply “Jeb!” Amazing, politicians come to power mostly because of their last names, and then do everything they can to hope we forget it.

So how long until Jeb Bush starts campaigning on avoiding a return to what he says are the failed policies of the Clinton era?

 

So regarding that Waldorf-Astoria wedding, apparently after the shooting hotel security cancelled the “million dollar” reception because the gun had not been found, and because two of their employees had been injured. And the bride was livid. Okay, so maybe the NYPD can save money by not charging this idiot with a crime: Just put him -unarmed – and the bride in a locked room for about an hour.

San Diego has fired manager Bud Black. Maybe a new manager will make a difference. Or maybe the Padres are just a newer Southern California version of the Cubs.

Gap is going to close 25% of their stores, 175 in total, which will leave the company with operate about 500 specialty locations and 300 outlet stores. Uh, not that I really know retail, but maybe if you have 60% as many “outlets” as you have regular retail, you just MIGHT be diluting and damaging your brand

How sweet it is?

June 12, 2015

 

A new “soda” law in San Francisco will require this warning label “WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity. diabetes and tooth decay.” And apparently Starbucks’ Frappucino’s are sugary enough for the label. So what’s next? Requiring the warnings on the sugar packets you put into your coffee?

In Texas, the two little girls whose lemonade stand was shut down for not having a permit are reopening after discovering a loophole: They can give the lemonade away free and just ask for donations. I think we may have found two future leaders of the state.

Actual sign out front of an Arkansas liquor store. “School’s out. Welcome parents!”

University of Missouri fraternities are planning to ban hard liquor starting in the fall. So is this policy change sponsored by Anheuser Busch?

Apparently ABC cameras caught LeBron James accidentally exposing himself while he adjusted his shorts just before Game 4 of the NBA Finals. Hmm, so it’s not enough to be a basketball star, James is angling to be part of a future Super Bowl halftime show?

96 years ago on Friday Congress passed the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote. Wonder given some of the rhetoric from conservative men in the U.S. If you could get that amendment ratified today?

 

The Indianapolis Colts have been taking some heat for the new “2014 AFC Finalist” banner they just hung at Lucas Oil Stadium. Even though the team lost 45-7 to the Patriots. Waiting for someone from the Colts to respond “Our pride is undeflated.”

An Ohio man is planning to challenge the St. Louis Zoo’s no weapons policy by carrying a gun into the zoo Saturday. Can someone please hide a few of those “trespassers will be eaten” signs?

The President of an NAACP chapter in Spokane has been outed by her parents as Caucasian. So will this start a debate about people’s right to be “trans-race?”

I wish this were the Onion. It’s now come out that Marco Rubio was one of five current members of Congress who voted for a 2001 Florida bill, signed by Jeb Bush, that required any single mother trying to put their babies up for adoption to post details about their recent sex partners. (The idea being to support the rights of potential biological fathers.) ‪#‎Prolifemyass‬

Ball bustered?

May 12, 2015

Tom Brady has been suspended four games for “Deflate-gate.” So which reporter wants to take his/her life into their hands and ask Giselle what she thinks of it?

 

 

 

Four game suspension for Tom Brady. Does this mean Roger Goodell is playing hardball?

 

So I guess when it comes to ‪#‎Patriots‬ coach and GM ‪#‎BillBelichick‬ ignorance IS an excuse. ‪#‎Saints‬ ‪#‎Ignoranceisnoexcuse‬ ‪#‎SeanPayton‬

Last game of Brady’s suspension – against the Dallas Cowboys. His first start of 2015 will thus be against the Indianapolis Colts. Who are thinking…. the NFL couldn’t have just made it four games starting AFTER the season opener?

 

Meanwhile, Aaron Hernandez, already serving a life sentence without possibility of parole, has now been charged with trying to silence a witness in a double murder case against him by shooting him in the face and leaving him for dead. In addition to being charged with those two murders.

If Hernandez isn’t careful Roger Goodell will really throw the book at him.

Reports say that Chris Christie spent $82,000 at Jets/Giants games at MetLife Stadium between 2010 and 2011. Well, to be fair, at NFL prices that’s probably only a few dozen beers.

Fox has announced that American Idol’s next season will be its last. Shocking. American Idol is still on?

Ryan Seacrest is being asked by many in the media how he feels about American Idol’s impending cancellation. Surprised he isn’t answering “You’ll find out after the break.”

Breaking headline Monday “George Zimmerman involved in shooting in Florida, police say” So congratulations to all those who had May 11 in the pool.

As part of Carly Fiorina’s Presidential campaign she is touting her leadership experience at Hewlett Packard. Isn’t that like JaMarcus Russell touting his leadership experience with the Oakland Raiders?-

So I’ve made jokes about one-and-done basketball players not being able to count. But hey, after yesterday’s Bulls-Cavs game most of them are thinking “Well we can at least count to SIX.” ‪#‎DavidBlatt‬ ‪#‎timeout‬

Apparently Cleveland coach David Blatt had something different in mind for the end of yesterday’s playoff game, but LeBron James said ““The play that was drawn up, I scratched. I just told coach, just give me the ball” “Damn, you can DO that!?” said Marshawn Lynch.

 

 

“Reality TV Star” Kristin Cavallari just announced she is expecting her 3rd child with Jay Cutler. So sounds like the Chicago QB at least is completing some passes at home.

When’s Game 8?

October 30, 2014

So what time do the SF Giants play today? Oh, wait…. never mind. ‪#‎missingbaseballalready‬

 

Amazing how people who complain that the World Series was a game between two Wild Cards and thus a devaluation of the regular season seem to have had no problem with, say, the 2007 Super Bowl Champion NY Giants. Or the 2010 Packers. ‪#‎NFLcandonowrong‬

 

Ok, who had the ‪#‎NewOrleansSaints‬, starting 2-4, in 1st place in the AFC South after week 8? ‪#‎WhoDat‬

 

 

Oops. Jets WR Eric Decker tweeted out “”tell me why you love the @nyjets using ‪#‎jetsdiehardfan‬ and I’ll send a signed prize to my favorite.” And with the team 1-7 he got a predictable result. Though have to figure a sincere response would have been “when OUR team has them on the schedule.”

Question, who was the umpire at first base for game seven of the World Series? As my son points out, few people know the answer to that question, and thanks to instant replay, he won’t become as infamous as Don Denkinger.

After Game 5 of the World Series, the Royals’ Jarrod Dyson said “One good thing for us, we don’t have to worry about Bumgarner no more.” Not exactly.

Babies in San Jose.

babies

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg   “In San Francisco’s Castro district last night,  men were ripping off their clothes, swilling champagne and dancing in the street. When asked how long they would celebrate the Giants win, they said; ‘What Giants win?”

Now that the World Series is over, ESPN can get back to the news they really care about, like this headline story today: “A-Rod’s suspension ends. Back in play for Yanks.”

And then all these ESPN headlines about LeBron James returning to Cleveland. Score of the game? Oh, you mean there’s a game?

RG III will start for Washington this weekend against the Vikings. Good thing the game will be played in Minnesota. The boos from the stands will be less embarrassing than they would be at Fed Ex Field.

 –

What is it about old white men that don’t get the concept of cellphone recordings? Senator Lindsay Graham, at a private club earlier this month. “I’m trying to help you with your tax status. I’m sorry the government’s so f—ed up. If I get to be president, white men in male-only clubs are going to do great in my presidency.”
Ted Cruz says that if the GOP nominates a moderate for President in 2016, Hillary Clinton will win. Not sure that’s true, but if they nominate Cruz, Hillary would win in a landslide.

The pain, the pain

August 9, 2014

And we think the 1% have no problems:. This tweet from golfer Ian Poulter: ‘Booked 6 business seats for my wife & nanny to fly home and British Airways downgrade my nanny so katie has no help for 10 hours with 4 kids.” Tragic, really.

 

Get out more violins. Former Illinois Congressman Bobby Schilling, who made $174,000 a year for the 2 years he served in the house,, and over $100,000 in 2013 is running again. And Schilling is running against Obamacare saying “the folks that are living paycheck-to-paycheck, which is most Americans, including myself, is that, you know, this is not something that you want to be putting out when you’ve got a kid that wants to play sports or you want to take a trip for vacation.”

With all the problems in the world right now, some criticize President Obama for still planning to take his 2 week vacation. Guess they’d prefer him to stay in Washington to do more things wrong?

Kim Kardashian is putting out a book of “selfies” titled “Selfish” – Kim Kardashian. Isn’t that redundant?

 

LeBron James – on staying in Cleveland long term- “”I don’t plan on going nowhere. I don’t have the energy to do it again.” Well, and another round of jersey burnings would be very bad for the environment.

 

 

Two women planning to be married in Pennsylvania were told by a bridal shop that they do not serve same-sex couples. The owner, Victoria Miller, told a reporter “We feel we have to answer to God for what we do, And providing those two girls dresses for a sanctified marriage would break God’s law.” Just wondering, does the owner also ask for proof of virginity with her heterosexual couples? And presume she only does second marriages for widows and widowers..

And really, for a proper wedding, do you really want to potentially alienate all the florists, hairdressers, makeup artists and wait staff?

 

In Oklahoma, a new teacher was arrested when she showed up on the first day of school, allegedly intoxicated and not wearing pants. Usually it takes a few weeks for a class to drive their teacher to drink.

The Selig era is almost basically over.

July 19, 2014

Bud Selig is actually supposed to retire in six months. He and baseball owners want former MLB deputy commissioner Steve Greenberg to be his replacement. But Greenberg says he doesn’t want the job, though he would be honored to follow Selig, who he calls “easily baseball’s greatest commissioner since Judge Landis.” Well, wishes aside, shouldn’t that statement disqualify Greenberg by reason of insanity?

Only 30% of Los Angeles area residents can see Dodgers games on TV due to a cable dispute. And David Rone, president of Time Warner Cable Sports, which distributes the games, says “It is unlikely that we are going to get a deal done. Suffering Midwest fans are thinking “why couldn’t this happen with the Cubs?”

 

Anyone else think Vladimir Putin is more likely to officiate at a gay wedding than he is to determine that MH17 was shot down by pro Russian-separatists?

 

 

The Federal Government has charged FedEx with drug trafficking for delivering illegal prescription drugs, allegedly for over a decade. What took the Government this long? Maybe they figured FedEx is taking profitable business from the post office?

 

 

Lebron James announced his return to Cleveland last week, but still hasn’t chosen if he will wear #6 or #23. How long until ESPN dedicates a special edition of Sports Center to the decision?

 

For all those who think the SFGiants have a problem at 2nd base, it could be worse. Dan Uggla, released by the Atlanta Braves, hit .162 with 2 home runs and is still owed over $18 million.

Red Sox GM Ben Cherington says the last-place team is not giving up on 2014 yet. And even Cubs fans are thinking “I want some of what you’re smoking.”

CNN had Michele Bachmann commented that Hillary Clinton “should be worried” about Elizabeth Warren in 2016. Michele Bachmann as a political prognosticator? Well, maybe since Paul the Octopus is no longer with us.

 

From Jim Barach ”  Downtown Los Angeles is at its driest since record-keeping began in 1877. Which means at least there is something in L.A. with a longer dry spell than the one that takes the Dodgers back to 1988.”

 

A Supreme Court injunction means that Utah has won at least a temporary delay in recognizing same-sex marriages. Guess the state figures if a man isn’t happy marrying a woman, he should just marry more women.

 

 

In Los Angeles, a man robbing a liquor store apparently accidentally shot and killed his accomplice. So sometimes the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is another bad guy with a gun.

 

The NY Yankees announced there will be  a Derek Jeter retirement ceremony on Sept 7. #FarewellCaptain Except that I thought the whole 2014 season was a Jeter retirement ceremony.

 

And finally.   Aldon Smith,  after a D.A. decided not to press charges for alleged LAX bomb threats, was sentenced Friday for possessing illegal fire arms. Along with a separate case of DUI and marijuana possession after driving and hitting a tree.

Smith got 3 years of probation, and 12 days of work crew on Mondays. Which will end before the 49ers first Monday night game.

So let this be a lesson to the youth of America. Behave yourselves. Unless you are SURE you have NFL level talent.

 

Before the fall.

July 13, 2014

About 30,000 fans showed up Saturday at Candlestick Park for the last game ever to be played before the stadium is demolished .  A meaningless SF 49ers flag football game. Wow. Almost as many at the Stick as any 10 random SF Giants weeknight games.

 

 

Nice tribute to Dave Dravecky today at A T and T Park. Did someone tell the SF Giants they didn’t have to honor Dave by pretending to bat with only one arm?

 

How long has Ryan Vogelsong gone without support? The last time the #SFGiants scored a run when he was on the mound, the #USA was undefeated in the #WorldCup.

 

Even as a Giants fan, this is just wrong. As reported by Bruce Jenkins in the SF Chronicle, , if you live in the SF Bay Area, and subscribe to MLB’s TV package, you can watch the Dodgers Sports-Net telecasts with Vin Scully. But 70% of fans in LA are blacked out. #moneymoneymoney

The Cleveland Indians placed DH Jason Giambi, 43, on the 60 day DL over his sore knee. Bummer. But at least most of Giambi’s medical bills should be paid by Medicare.

 

 

Tiger Woods, feeling good as he approaches the British Open, “I can do whatever I want ” And somewhere Elin Nordegren is thinking “Haven’t we seen this somewhere before?”

Quite a number of no-shows at today’s #WorldCup third place game. Including apparently the Brazilian team. #BRAvsNED

Okay, the Lebron Decision sequel is over. But doesn’t it seem like everyone is paying much more attention to all these NBA free agent machinations than they do to the actual season?

Lebron James’ contract with Cleveland is for just two years? Meaning we could go through this all again in 2016?

 

A United Airlines flight from Honolulu to Guam had to divert to Midway due to a mechanical problem. Passengers spent several hours on the Island before a replacement plane took them back to Honolulul, and then another plane took them to Guam. United says the passengers were given $500 travel vouchers. Well, that’s a start, but how about all those extra frequent flier miles?

Rick Perry, attacking fellow Republican Rand Paul’s isolationist strategy called him “curiously blind.” Well if anyone is familiar with the concept of “curiously blind,” it’s the Governor of Texas.

 

If immigrant children at US border said they were fleeing home because of oppressive gun control would be fun to watch  heads explode.

 

 

From T.C.  “North Korea state news reports that their country has reached the finals of the World Cup, and are preparing to announce victory tomorrow. They have a ready to use Photoshop picture of Kim Jong-un hoisting the trophy. Too bad it’s The Stanley Cup.”