Posted tagged ‘madison bumgarner jokes’

On the way out?

June 25, 2016

Northern Ireland lost to Wales in Euro 2016 on an own goal. That’s the worst self-inflicted misery in the UK since… Thursday.

 

Sunday is NASCAR Sonoma, and the Pride Parade in San Franciso.  Now there are two events that I’m guessing do not have a lot of overlap.

Fans in Cleveland have created a “Cleveland Indians Championship Parade.” And the Indians are actually in first place in the AL Central. Maybe God is taking pity on the city for hosting the GOP 2016 convention.

 

Haven’t been paying close attention to the ‪#‎CollegeWorldSeries‬ this year. So when were the Minnesota Twins eliminated?

 

Someone needs to tell ‪#‎SFGiants‬ offense that just because ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ is pitching doesn’t mean they can take night off. ‪#‎nosupport‬

FOX News reported yesterday that Great Britain had voted to leave, not the EU, but the UN. Same difference, right?   #sarcasm #nottheOnion

#‎ballotremorse‬ Over 1.6 million people in Britain have signed a petition for another E.U. referendum, basically a do-over. And a whole lot of U.S. GOP voters are going “you can do that?”

#‎GeorgeWill‬ has announced he has left the ‪#‎GOP‬ over ‪#‎Trump‬. So who said Trump couldn’t bring about any real change?

Ben Carson just called for a “civil discussion” about guns: “Let’s put on the table – what is the reason for the Second Amendment…And, is there a reason that we need to change those things right now.”
Wow. Sounds like someone’s given up on the idea of being Trump’s running mate.

Donald Trump asked about his proposed Muslim ban by the UK Daily Mail.”‘I don’t want people coming in from the terror countries. You have terror countries.” Then, in the same interview “‘I don’t want them, unless they’re very, very strongly vetted.”
Once again, the Donald is running against himself.

Evangelical author James Dobson says that “it’s fairly recent” but Donald Trump has accepted Jesus Christ. Ah, but has Jesus Christ accepted Donald Trump?

In Texas, Christy Sheats, a mother and gun rights advocate, wrote a scathing Facebook post in March about Obama and gun control: “It would be horribly tragic if my ability to protect myself or my family were to be taken away.” Yesterday, Sheats was fatally shot by police after she shot and killed her 22 and 17 year old daughters.

Well, clearly the girls should have been armed.

 

From Bill Littlejohn   “In the wake of her two year suspension, Maria Sharapova is going to attend Harvard Business School.The anti-doping panel in London calls it ‘Illegally Blonde’

Benched?

June 2, 2016

Lebron James called the 2014 San Antonio Spurs the best team he’d ever faced. After NBA Finals game 1, where Cleveland was beaten by the Golden State bench, looking like the Cavs couldn’t even come close to beating the 2016 Spurs.

 

Some of these officiating delays in the ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ make you long for the quick decisions of ‪#‎MLB‬ instant replay. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

In the Barry Bonds days, no one wanted to leave their seat at home or in front of the TV when he was due up to bat. Not that he’s THAT good, but it’s beginning to feel the same way when you know Madison Bumgarner will have an AB. ‪#‎anythingcanhappen‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

SFGiants have a message for all ‪#‎DH‬ fans who say no one wants to watch a pitcher hit. ‪#‎STFU‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬ ‪#‎PitchersWhoReallyRake‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬

Starbucks is teaming up with Anheuser-Busch for a bottled version of their “Teavana” tea. The product, however, won’t have any actual beer in it. Just like Bud Light.

 

A Crimson Tide coach, Bo Davis, resigned this spring over illegal contact with a recruit. But Nick Saban has been complaining about the Wolverines’ satellite camps. Jim Harbaugh’s Twitter response “‘Amazing’ to me – Alabama broke NCAA rules & now their HC is lecturing us on the possibility of rules being broken at camps. Truly ‘amazing.’
How much do we want to see Michigan-Alabama in college football now? ‪#‎whatsyourdeal‬

Jeffery Simmons, the 12th ranked DE recruit in the US, was arrested and charged with assault and disturbing the peace this March. A video showed him hitting a woman several times. Mississippi State said Simmons will be given a one-game suspension and allowed to play football, but with “conditions attached.”
The number one condition being that he play well on the field?

Sad. Prince apparently died of a opiod overdose. So Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t have surgery, but they can drug themselves to death?

 –

Bernard Marcus, the founder of Home Depot, has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Presumably because he hopes Trump will need to shop at Home Depot to built that wall.

Taylor Swift’s boyfriend of 15 month, Calvin Harris, apparently just broke up with HER. Well, at least the song should be different this time.
The graduate student who fatally shot a UCLA professor had accused the professor of stealing his work. So yeah, what we need in a high-stress college environment is for all students and professors to be armed. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Paul Ryan said he’ll vote for Donald Trump in November. Did they legalize marijuana in Wisconsin and not tell us?

 

The AP reports that after Texas Gov. Greg Abbott dropped a state probe into Trump University, the Donald gave Abbott a $35,000 donation to his campaign. Five words: “Damn, I miss Molly Ivins.”

Kings of the road?

April 9, 2016

The San Diego Padres have scored 0 runs in 3 games at Petco & 29 runs in 2 games at Coors.   Will hitters petition to play 2017 home games in Denver?

‪#‎SFGiants‬ are experimenting with batting the pitcher 8th. ‪#‎MadBum‬ is making a strong pitch to bat at least 6th.

Seriously, from ESPN, since 2014, Madison Bumgarner has hit a HR every 8.4 ABs at AT&T Park. Barry Bonds’ career AB/HR at AT&T Park: 8.8.

So when his arm finally tires, will Madbum move to the AL as a  DH?
Lip readers had a treat watching Kershaw after Madbum took him deep, again. “Are you f*cking sh*tting me?”

Not that most announcers aren’t homers, but Golden State Warriors TV announcers spent much of the game complaining about foul calls their team wasn’t getting.  Then at the end of a 100-99 game when Lance Stephenson was hacked more than once…. crickets.

Zach Johnson missed the cut at the Masters after a replay showed that his club accidentally touched the water when his ball was partially submerged and he was assessed a 2-shot penalty. And people think the balk rule is arcane.

The cost of mailing a letter will drops to 47 cents starting April 10. And millennials are going “What’s a letter?”

It’s been two days since the American Idol final finale. So have we all forgotten the name of the white guy with a guitar who won yet?

LB Von Miller says if it were up to him, he’d have Johnny Manziel on the Broncos. Hmm, can you get concussions from being on Dancing on the Stars?

Has Bernie Sanders just forfeited any claim to outsider status? He and his wife were seen attending a performance of “Hamilton.” Uh, even most 1 percenters can’t get those tickets.

Cruz says he was “double-crossed” by Kasich in Michigan for delegate spots, Kasich’s campaign said the Cruz campaign broke their end of a deal first. Oh this horrible GOP on GOP violence. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

So as some in the GOP like to talk about Bill Clinton’s indiscretions while Hillary is running for president, it’s interesting to note that the Speaker who led the proceedings was having an affair, his replacement quit after news broke of multiple affairs, and then HIS replacement turns out of have molested at least four teenage boys. ‪#‎Familyvalues‬

Beyond borders.

August 18, 2015

So Donald Trump’s latest complaint is about H-1B visas, which he claims result in foreigners taking jobs away from minorities and women. Kind of a ballsy statement from someone who couldn’t find someone American-born for two of his three marriages.

Yes, Donald Trump seems to be doing well But not a single GOP primary vote has been cast. So all of this circus is basically based on a relatively small number of people who don’t feel like hanging up on pollsters?

The SF 49ers will lower beer prices from $10.25 to $10 this year, largely to save the time required for workers to dispense change in quarters. And then no doubt next year they will raise the price to at least $12.

The FDA has approved the world’s first pill to boost women’s libido. Is it covered in diamonds?

Apparently hackers have posted stolen data from ‪#‎AshleyMadison‬. Wonder what the objective of their plan was? ‪#‎nodivorcelawyerleftbehind‬?

So with the release of the Ashley Madison data, is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under of politicians who may suddenly resign to spend time with their families?

SF Giants have a number of pitchers on the DL, plus starting CF Pagan, LF Aoki, and 2nd baseman Panik. Now Hunter Pence is going on the DL for a strained oblique.

The team recently did a promo spoofing Full House. Maybe the House they should have been referencing was Gregory.

#‎Madbum‬ for ‪#‎SFGIants‬ DH. That is all.

(he pinch hit in the 7th, got a single, scored the Giants 2nd run in a 2-0 games.  After apparently blowing the opposing pitcher’s mind.)

Give me a break, commentators talking about the injury risk Bruce Bochy shouldn’t have taken by letting Madison Bumgarner pinch hit. Uh, as we have seen, pitchers get hurt throwing, fielding, falling down steps, falling out of bed, getting sandwiches, etc….

49ers wide receiver Jerome Simpson’s has now been suspended six game for violating the league’s substance abuse policy, his third suspension since 2012. It’s all part of the NFL’s “10 strikes and you’re out policy.”

Tom Brady will attend a second hearing on his suspension. If he can’t get the number of games reduced the Patriots QB is at least hoping for a better sketch?

Oops, now Brady will not attended the hearings in New York after talks stalled between him and the NFL. Both sides are reportedly feeling a bit deflated.

George Zimmerman is selling $50 prints of a Confederate flag painting he did at ‘Muslim free’ gun store in Florida. Where’s a hunting dentist when you really need one?

The mayor of Venice, Italy, ban children’s books featuring gay couples from local schools, sparking a social media war with Elton John, who called him “boorishly bigoted. The mayor has retweeted messages from supporters attacking Elton, like “we’re protecting our children from people like you.”

Well, I sure hope these protective parents make sure their kids NEVER see the “Lion King.”

“DH, we don’t need no stinkin’ DH”

August 16, 2015

Biggest problem right now for SF Giants manager with Madison Bumgarner?  Getting his ace left hander to shut up about possibly pinch hitting.

Yeah, so  Zack Greinke‬ pitched 7 innings of 1 run baseball w/ home run. Madison Bumgarner‬ just called & raised him. Shutout, home run & RBI double.

So Madison Bumgarner’s worst outing of the year was in Washington, D.C., July 4, when he allowed six runs in five innings against the Nats. Think Madbum was just a bit p*ssed off when he took the mound today?

Madison Bumgarner has four home runs for the year. And in the SF Giants broadcast booth Duane Kuiper is trying not to cry.

(for non baseball fans. Kuiper had a 12 year career in MLB – one home run. Total.)

Costumed characters hustling for tips in Times Square have become a New York tradition. The newest trend, near-naked women wearing only thongs and red, white and blue body paint. Wonder how many fathers are volunteering to do reconnaissance missions to make sure the area hasn’t become too inappropriate for children

Oscar Pistorius will be released from jail this week after serving 10 months for killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking he got off easy.

Tim Tebow is back. But don’t laugh. At this point he’s still a more realistic potential NFL quarterback than Donald Trump is a realistic potential President.

So Trump is going to pay for a border wall by taxing all Mexican visitors to the U.S.? And what exactly is he going to do with all those crazies from Canada, eh?

Freshman QB Ricky Town. who had verbally committed to Alabama but decided to go to USC after the Trojans hired Steve Sarkisian, is transferring to another school. Apparently ,while highly touted, Town didn’t turn out to be the best freshman QB in spring camp.

So Karma is either a Crimson Tide fan, or just in mean bitch mode.

The Cubs lost today. But before the game Chicago manager Joe Maddon said he wasn’t changing his socks during the team’s 9 game win streak. Maybe the superstition helped. But at least it probably assured Maddon had a row to himself on the team plane

How often does a golfer go -17 for a major tournament and end up in 2nd place? ‪#‎JordanSpieth‬ ‪#‎JasonDay‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants in this country “have to go.” Wait…. does Trump have a visa for that furry thing that lives on his head?

Brewers manager Craig Counsell and players told a Milwaukee paper that if now openly gay David Denson, now playing for the team’s rookie league, makes it to the big leagues, he will be welcome.

Bringing to mind the great quote from Willie Mays, who when asked a few years ago if a gay player would be welcome in a major league clubhouse, simply responded “Can he hit?”

San Diego gave QB Philip Rivers a $65 million guaranteed contract. The Chargers are throwing money around like they’re a Los Angeles team already.

Mike Huckabee says he supports Paraguay’s decision to deny a 10 year old rape victim an abortion. “Let’s not compound a tragedy by taking yet another life.” And of course that poor girl should have government assistance and health care including mental health care so her own life isn’t ruined…. Oh wait, government dependency should end at birth.
I believe the British have the correct term here – “f*ckwit.”

From T.C  “The Guinness Book of World Records is reporting that the world’s oldest cat is age 26, named Corduroy and lives in Sisters, Oregon. Skeptics call BS, and say it’s all just a ploy to get a dentist out of hiding.”

Storm Watch?

December 10, 2014

A storm expected to wreak havoc in California is dubbed the “Pineapple Express” , because the rain comes directly from Hawaii to the West Coast. Okay, so clearly this one we can blame on Obama.

 

Schools in San Francisco, Marin and Oakland are closing tomorrow in anticipation of a big rain storm. Well, this should do wonders for the West Coast’s “soft” reputation.

Got to love this factoid from the SF Chronicle’s John Shea about Madison Bumgarner going to New York to accept the SI “Sportsman of the Year” award: He went out and got a suit for the occasion.

The House and Senate are about to approve multiplying by 10 the amount of money a person can contribute to a national political party from $32,400 to $324,000, and up to $648,000 in two years. Great, because that’s a major problem in Washington D.C., not enough money in elections….

 

Kate and William dazzled in New York this week. I know we got our independence and all that from Britain, but just imagine getting our regular celebrity fix from them instead of the Kardashians.

The NFL’s new personal conduct policy says “A suspension of six games without pay for violations involving assault, sexual assault, battery, domestic violence, child abuse and other forms of family violence will be in effect, but with consideration given to mitigating or aggravating circumstances.” “Mitigating circumstances” like being a superstar on a playoff bound team or being an owner?

The ‪#‎LADodgers‬ have acquired ‪#‎JimmyRollins‬ in a trade to be their starting shortstop. Even Vin Scully is saying “Isn’t he a bit old?”

So many players and front office staff think they can break the Cubs 106 year old jinx? Female sports fans aren’t surprised – these same men probably think they can win an argument with a woman.

Scott Boras said he would love for the SF Giants to enter the bidding for Max Scherzer. With all due respect, is there any team Boras wouldn’t want to enter the bidding, as long as they bring plenty of $$$?

ESPN headline “Transcript shows inconsistencies in Goodell’s testimony on Rice matter.” I’m shocked, said absolutely positively no one.

From my funny friend Jim Barach “Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn says that athletes and rock stars are exploiting loopholes to avoid paying taxes. Apparently the Senator is upset that those loopholes were intended to be used only by business people who donate the money they save to their congressmen.”

A Harvard professor is demanding the town of Brookline intervene in his fight with a local Chinese restaurant who he claims charged him $1 too much on each of 4 items. Yes, a $4 overcharge. The restaurant said their website was out of date.) Thereby proving Kissinger right again about academics.

Some wonder why big-name free agents don’t want to sign with the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after three World Series rings. One thought, a lot of stars want to be legendary heroes. On the Giants, first it’s all about team, second you have to stand in line for the hero title.

Rick Perry said today “People expect me to run for President.” Not sure about that. But comedy writers are praying for it.

Message from Stanford about the Foster Farms Bowl. ” Fans who buy tickets through Stanford Athletics will be seated in the designated Stanford section and helps support 900+ student-athletes.” Translation, we expect about 500 folks from Maryland to show up and so the bowl will probably be discounting tickets on Groupon, but please help us fill our allotment.

Class, nothing but class. (seriously)

October 30, 2014

After the SF Giants win, the folks at Kaufmann stadium turned the fountains to orange.   And hey, since the Giants are an even year team, happy to root for the KC Royals in 2015.

 

 

fountains

 

If poetry is “emotion recollected in tranquility,” then these World Series post game shows are indeed poetry. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Doesn’t it seem sometimes like Joe ‪#‎Panik‬ has always been at 2nd for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬? ‪#‎realbaseballplayer‬

But breathing plan for Game 7.   Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. Ah screw it, so how long can you hold your breath anyway? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Game7‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

Chicks dig the small ball ‪#‎sfgiants‬ ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

 

 

 

 

 

SF Giants have accomplished a double mission. First, winning the World Series. Second, giving all their fans a free cardiac stress test.

 

And yet, win or lose, Giamatti was right about baseball. Nonetheless, Go Giants.

“It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. ”

Joe Maddon is the new manager of the Chicago Cubs, reportedly for about a 5 year, $25 million contract. Which might work out to over $8 million a year. ‪#‎tradition‬ ‪#‎waituntilnextyear

Jeb Bush has hit the metaphorical campaign trail, assailing Obama for his Ebola response, saying it “fueled fears that may not be justified.”So what the President really should have done to calm Americans was start shutting down the media? Starting with FOX News.

Harold Reynolds last night during the World Series telecast called Bud Selig “the greatest (MLB) commissioner of all time.” Hard to imagine but someone did it. Proved they could be worse about baseball than Joe Buck,

.-

Not alas, the Onion. In Arizona, the Senate Judiciary Committee endorsed a bill that would allow employers to ask employees for proof that they are seeking contraceptives for purposes other than sex. (like acne, or hormone issues) and deny them coverage if they don’t comply. Where’s the bill to ban coverage for Viagra?

 

Jerry Jones on whether Tony Romo will play next week. “This is a function of pain tolerance. And Cowboys fans during the Romo years are rolling their eyes and thinking “we know all about pain tolerance.”

 

Poor Julius Randle. The Lakers rookie, who broke his leg in the season opener, will probably be out for the year. On a brighter note, next year Randle has a good chance of playing with a #1 draft pick.

Bill Littlejohn, on Florida football coach Will Muschamp saying he’s adopting a bunker mentality: “Which one, Archie or Edith?”

NL Power outage.

July 15, 2014

Seriously??!   ONE home run gets Todd Frazier to the Home Run Derby finals representing the NL? #ShouldhavepickedMadbum

Thought after watching round one of the Home Run Derby;  Yasiel Puig is no Madison Bumgarner. #SFGiants. #Dodgers

If they ever have an All-Star Game and Home Run derby in pitcher friendly Petco Park, is there a provision for ending it with penalty kicks?

Apparently the SF Bay Area had some of the highest World Cup television ratings in the U.S. For that soccer can thank Northern California’s cultural diversity, advantageous game times with Brazil being only four hours ahead, and oh yeah, the fact the the SF Giants s*cked throughout the month that the tournament was on.

 

 

Today begins a four day stretch without regular MLB games. So Cubs fans looking for their regular experience in the meantime will just have to bang their heads into the wall.

So how long until other teams start intentionally walking Madison Bumgarner with the bases loaded? #SFGIants #Grandslam #MadBum

Apparently Archie of comic book fame will be shot and die in the next issue while trying to protect a gay friend. Waiting to see how the GOP spins this as another reason to impeach Obama.

High school basketball star Emmanuel Mudiay, who had committed to SMU, says he will instead play professionally overseas. What a shame. By skipping college Mudiay could be giving up some of the potential best few months of his life.

The Cleveland Browns are planning to use a live bull-mastiff as their mascot this fall. Of course Browns fans are hoping the real dog doesn’t turn out to be Johnny Manziel.

The 2016 campaign sniping is in fine form. Like this line about Texas Gov. Rick Perry: “Apparently his new glasses haven’t altered his perception of the world, or allowed him to see it any more clearly.” From Hillary Clinton or Joe Biden? Nope, fellow Republican Rand Paul.

TSA surcharges on airline tickets are more than doubling July 21, from $2.50 to $5.60 per flight, with extra charges for layovers of more than 4 hours. As far as paying for misery, these fees are becoming the travel equivalent of alimony.

 

 

Happy belated Bastille Day. And we Americans think we celebrate violence. These lines translated from the first first and chorus of “La Marseillaise”. “The bloody flag is raised. Do you hear in the countryside, The roar of these savage soldiers They come right into our arms To cut the throats of your sons….,To arms, citizens! Form up your battalions Let us march, Let us march! That their impure blood Should water our fields….”

Just call him Babe.

July 13, 2014

madbum

Madison Bumgarner, leaving the mound in the 7th inning today in a game where he was not only the winning pitcher, but hit a double and a grand slam. The real shame of him leaving when he did. Madbum’s turn at bat was coming up.

Is it too late to add Madison Bumgarner to the All Star Game home run derby roster? #SFGiants

 

#Madbum was saying all week he wanted to hit in the All-Star game home run derby, and was texting NL Captain Troy Tulowitzki about it. Troy’s got to be second guessing that decision about now.


Maybe now that the #WorldCup is over the SF Giants realized they were allowed to score without penalty kicks.

(actually posted before today’s game that “You know it’s been a rough month when your starting pitcher comes into a game with a higher batting average than four of your starting lineup.” After his double and grand slam, Bumgarner now has a higher batting average than anyone on the team except Hunter Pence.

Who’s done a better acting job in the last month? The floppers of the #WorldCup or millions of Americans who pretended to care about soccer?


Understatement of the year. Eric Holder, in responding to Sarah Palin’s call for Obama’s impeachment. ““She wasn’t a particularly good vice presidential candidate.”


So figure… the last game before the All-Star break between the Yankees and Orioles ended up in a rain delay…. and was called after midnight. Might have been the first game ever played Monday of All-Star week.

Colin Kaepernick apparently has a new tattoo. How could anyone tell?


Cornerback CB Jimmy Smith was arrested at a suburban Baltimore bar last night and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Smith is the 5th Raven to be arrested this off-season. How long until Baltimore changes their team color to orange?

CNN has decided to make yesterday’s story of the United flight diverted to Midway Island today’s front page news. Standby for tomorrow’s story of all the islands where they COULD have diverted MH370.

ESPN story talked about “bravery” with the “Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Can think of a number of adjectives. “Bravery is not in the top ten. (If we’re going for “Bs” – “Braindead”, maybe.)