Posted tagged ‘Congress jokes’

Talking points

March 1, 2017

The NCAA has suspended five Richmond baseball players, allegedly for taking part in a fantasy football league. Good to see them focusing on the real important stuff.

 

Lakers honored 2017 Rose Bowl Champions USC Trojans at their game tonight. Well, probably best chance anytime soon for ANY champions to be on the floor at Staples Center.

You know it’s really early days in Spring Training when even as a serious SF Giants fan you hear someone got an RBI & you aren’t sure what team they play for.

Johnny Manziel missed a court-ordered deadline with his domestic violence case, but told the judge today that it was partly because “I don’t believe in what the NFL does (or) have a lot of trust in them based on past situations.” Manziel also said “my life is trending upward.”
Uh, apparently that upward trend doesn’t yet include personal responsibility.

Nordstrom just reported better-than-expected quarterly profit. Hmm, SNL, the NY Times… Trump IS helping make some companies great again.

Facebook is running an ad on ADHD coaching. Do they really expect anyone who might need the coaching to stay focused enough to click on the ad. Oh, look a squirrel video….

Add to the list of NBA teams unhappy with Trump,  the Washington Wizards, since #JointSession means most Americans missed their best game of year.

Sometimes we can all get along:. Keith Ellison brought Tom Perez as his guest to tonight’s #JointSession

Who says I never agree with anything Trump does? New V.A secretary David Shulkin is chosen  Designated Survivor?

 

We’re getting rid of regulations but the water and air are going to choose to be clean. #TrumpEnvironmentalPolicy

What does Trump have against Chicago? Did a woman from there  turn down one of his marriage proposals once?

 

“Lawless chaos.” What does Trump think this country really is? Another installment in the Mad Max Series? #JointAddress

 

Why Steve Beshear? Well, for one big reason, it means that many Democrats, still working on healing after Ellison-Perez race, don’t get upset. Because anointing ANYONE as the future of the Democratic party right now probably pisses off at least 1/3 of the party no matter who it is.

Once again feel so sad that Jennifer Granholm was born in Vancouver.

Attorney General Sessions is worried about “marijuana being sold at every corner grocery store.” Would it be OK if Walmart sold pot next to gun dept?

#Oscars vowing to “take action” after Best Picture debacle. Uh, simple rule, if you’re in charge of envelopes, put away your damn phone.

Happy Mardi Gras. But really, these days in America isn’t every Tuesday Fat Tuesday?

“Ryan was a part of a highly successful raid’. Lovely sentiment. Lovely widow. But then why did you say the military “lost” him. Sad.

 

Trump  invited the widows of two police officers and the father of a son who were all killed by undocumented immigrants to sit in the Presidential box for his address to Congress tonight.
As to the widow of the Indian man killed in Kansas, and families of the Charleston shooter…. well, sorry, they were killed by white Americans.

 

Trump tonight “I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to create an office to serve American victims. The office is called VOICE: Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement.”
VOICE? Really? Because CONTROL and KAOS were taken?

Trump seen ordering a well done steak with ketchup? Where’s outrage from those who attacked NY Mayor DeBlasio for eating pizza with a fork?

Fresh start?

January 4, 2017

Fox Sports reports that Chip Kelly, fired by SF 49ers Sunday, he wants to remain in professional football. So Chip is open to joining a team in the SEC?

 

Odell Beckham Jr. loves to complain about being singled out by officials. Well, I’m sure all those pictures of him and teammates on a party boat with apparent drugs all around,  and some of them apparently smoking joints, won’t prejudice anyone against him in this weekend’s playoffs.

OBJ recently said that “even Steve Wonder could have seen”  the missed calls.  Uh, even Stevie Wonder could have seen that posting pictures of the party was a bad idea.

Duke’s Grayson Allen started tonight after his “indefinite” suspension became one game. Well, if he were a college football star it might have been 1 quarter.

Rob Schneider just tweeted “I will put together a consortium of buyers. Please sell me the 49ers,”
So does Schneider hope to make the 49ers great again, or is he planning to use them for a long-running comedy series?

Macy’s is closing 68 stores and cutting 10,000 jobs. #IblameTrump

 

Police say a man in a town outside Frankfurt opened his front door Monday night and found that someone had built a brick wall in his doorway overnight. The wall had to be torn down for him to get out.
Wonder if the guy spent Sunday drinking Amontillado.

 

Whole Foods has a coupon in local paper for $5 off $20 in produce. That’s probably enough of a discount to get a whole extra apple.

Wonder what will happen when #Assange & #Wikileaks go after Trump administration: “It’s my nature.” #Scorpionandthefrog

Now Pence says “1st order of business is to repeal & replace #Obamacare. Replace w/ what? That great healthcare plan GOP had before Obama?

Now @realDonaldTrump picked Wall Street lawyer for head of SEC. Yet another big new alligator who will need to find room in the swamp.

Haven’t heard GOP saying it’s an outrage that Charles Manson is entitled to healthcare while law-abiding Americans are not. Because they don’t believe the latter?

 

“We have two choices: some guy living in an embassy on the run from the law…who has a history of undermining American democracy and releasing classified information to put our troops at risk, or the 17 intelligence agencies sworn to defend us. I’m going with them.”
Quote from that noted commie-pinko liberal Lindsey Graham.

Moving on.

November 3, 2015

Rough World Series for New York fans. Now they’ll have to go back to being disappointed by the Jets, Giants and Knicks.

There are rumors that Jimmy Fallon may have a worrisome drinking issue after three recent injuries. Hoping for his sake it’s not true…. but if it is, would NBC want Leno to come back as a temporary fill-in? Beginning to think the guy has more lives than a cat.

A woman who was a 2014-15 Alabama’s Teacher of the Year has resigned. This after she was moved from teaching 2nd grade to 5th, and then told she didn’t have the qualifications to teach fifth-graders. Shocking. Alabama has teaching qualifications?

Obama ordered federal agencies to “ban the box” in their hiring decisions, meaning they can’t ask prospective government employees about their criminal histories on job applications. Who says the President never does anything for Congress?

Activision-Blizzard is acquiring Candy Crush’s maker for $5.9 billion. $5.9 billions? Wow. In the days after Halloween aren’t you supposed to get a discount on candy?

Police have charged a Houston man with murder, saying he fatally stabbed his friend for taking the last piece of chicken at dinner. Your move, Florida, ‪#‎ifonlytheywerebotharmed‬

ESPN is reporting that the SF 49ers are benching QB Colin Kaepernick for Blaine Gabbert. Which is the NFL equivalent of rearranging desk chairs on the Titanic?

The SF 49ers have also shipped TE Vernon Davis to the Denver Broncos for future draft picks. Hardest thing for Davis at this point – wiping that sh*t-eating grin off his face as he cleans out his locker.

So besides being suspended for 1 game, Ohio State QB J.T. Barrett will lose his scholarship for the summer term after being arrested for DUI and trying to avoid a checkpoint (“backing without safety.”)
This punishment means that unless he pays tuition himself, Barrett will not be able to work out with the team over the summer, but his scholarship will resume next fall. Assuming J.T. doesn’t declare for the NFL draft. ‪#‎whosaysUrbanMeyerdoesnthavestandards‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

The EPA is saying now that Volkswagen SUVs also used cheating software to get around U.S. emission standards. Ah, for the good old days when the most corrupt people in the car business were simply some used-car salesmen.

Fox is now slamming CNBC for their non “substantive”” questions in the last GOP debate and saying they will do better in their next Fox Business debate. With more questions like this from the first Fox debate? “I want to know if any of [the candidates] have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first,”

Now Donald Trump’s campaign says they will negotiate separately and “directly with the host network to establish debate criteria that will determine Mr. Trump’s participation.”
Guessing one of the questions the Donald will not allow would be one about how he expects to work collaboratively with Congress and various world leaders.

Donald Trump also now says he turned down an invitation to be on the “boring and low-rated” Last Week Tonight with John Oliver .And the show responded on Twitter “Couple of points. 1. Yes, we have a boring show. 2. At no point did we invite Donald Trump to appear on it.
So at what point does Trump realize, if he offends every single media outlet, who’s going to cover his outbursts?

From Alex Kaseberg  “This Halloween, a kid came to our door dressed as Mets player, Daniel Murphy. At first he was a big hit, but then he kept dropping his candy.”

(And of course it would be perfect if the candy he dropped was rainbow skittles.)

Stalled.

August 27, 2015

A new study found that Washington, D.C. has the worst traffic in the entire U.S. Wonder if that counts the gridlock inside the Capitol building?

Facebook on Monday had one billion users in a single day. Wow. That’s means at least 500 million cat pictures.

In Texas, the Health and Human Services Commission announced they are going ahead with $100 million in cuts to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Three words: Pro-life my ass.

More on the Texas upcoming $100 million cut to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Do they figure at least these kids will grow up in into adults with the right to be armed?

In the Little League World Series, California scored 3 runs in the top of the 1st, Texas had a grand slam in the bottom of the inning. And every current and former Little League parent just sighs, nods, and thinks “out of pitching.” ‪#‎thosewerethedays‬

So I think I’ve figured it out; the way for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to beat the ‪#‎ChicagoCubs‬ was to put half their team on the disabled list.

Okay, how adorable is SF Giants rookie Kelby Tomlinson? The kid looks like he could play a teenage Clark Kent. Got his 1st MLB home run and it was a grand slam: “It was pretty crazy. Everybody got up and started clapping for me. I’d never experienced anything like that. It’s pretty special.”

Madison Bumgarner, 6 innings, 1 ER, 12Ks. Oh yeah, and one infield hit. Guess which he’s going to want to talk about? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

United Airlines sent out an email to its Mileage Plus members. 50,000 bonus miles when you purchase or lease a new Mercedes S-class sedan. Uh, thinking if you can afford a Mercedes, you can probably afford not to care about frequent flier miles.

Steelers WR Martavis Bryant has been suspended 4 games by the NFL for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. And Pittsburgh fans are thinking “Well, at least he didn’t rape anyone or kill any dogs.

Going back to August 14, the Cincinnati Reds have won exactly ONE game, and that an August 24 make-up game from a rain out against Detroit. 1-12. If they’re going to give up on the season maybe they should offer ticket holders their money back?

From Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying the Phillies are bad, but when they took the field in the top of the first the other day, Manager Pete Mackanin immediately called for a challenge.”

An appeal hearing for Marshawn Lynch over his $75,000 fine for not talking to the media in 2014 has apparently been canceled, What, did Lynch figure out the hearing would actually require talking?

Two women on a JetBlue flight from Jamaica to JFK were arrested after they got into a brawl upon landing involving a razor and pepper spray. So these gals got both a razor and pepper spray on the plane. But I’ll bet security confiscated plenty of bottled water.

Beating the odds?

March 17, 2015

Hampton beat Manhattan Tuesday night in the “First Four” to get into the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Where they will play Kentucky. Sort of like winning a competition between two Christians to meet the lions.

Stanford beat UC Davis in tonight’s first round of the NIT. And yeah, it’s not exactly a great accomplishment. But but it’s a heck of a lot better than losing in the first round of the NIT. Or losing to UC Davis, anytime.  (As former Stanford football coach Walt Harris would tell you – 20-17 in 2005)

 

Pete Rose has submitted a new request to be reinstated to baseball. Rose is optimistic this time, figuring his odds are 2 to 1.

After ‪#‎ChrisBorland‬ leaving the SF 49ers, who’s next? Presumably some player who’s afraid of drowning inside the sinking ship?

Chris Borland, 24, is ending his NFL career because of worries about brain damage. Why so young? Maybe only young players still have brains working well enough to think about it.

 

The Kappa Delta Rho frat at Penn State fraternity has been suspended over allegedly having a “secret Facebook page showing mostly nude women who were ‘sleeping or passed out.'” Wonder how many people at the University are thinking “Thank God they were at least adult women”?

Passengers on a United flight from Dulles tackled and subdued a possibly drunk or drugged man who was rushing the cockpit soon after takeoff last night. United may or may not reward the passengers, but the Washington Redskins are interested in talking to the men for a tryout on defense.

 

The Secret Service said a letter mailed to the White House tested “presumptive positive” for cyanide. What was the first clue that made them suspicious? That someone actually mailed a real paper letter to the White House?

Toronto Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar apparently injured his oblique while sneezing last weekend. The SF Giants just ordered Jeremy Affeldt to start taking preventive Benadryl.

Kanye West tweeted nude pictures of Kim Kardashian when she reached 30 million Twitter followers. With all due respect are there any of those 30 million who haven’t already seen her naked?

Ryanair says their long range plans include transatlantic flights, with fares as low as1 10 pounds. (about $15 USD.) Of course the fees for boarding passes, carry-on bags, checked bags, credit card usage, oxygen masks, seat belts, seat cushions and lavatories etc will push the ticket price up several hundred dollars.

#‎StPatricksDay‬ toast: May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets. ‪#‎HappyStPatricksDay‬

So St. Patrick’s Day in America has become green beer day. Lading to March 18 being “green after too much beer day.”

House Republicans have introduced another budget with massive spending cuts and yet another proposed repeal of Obamacare. If they really want to make their point, why don’t GOP members in the House offer to give up their own expensive healthcare and shop for alternatives on the open market?

Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock is resigning his seat over allegations of improper spending, including real estate deals, and using congressional money to redecorate his office in “Downton Abbey” style. Buzzfeed had just reported he also spent $5,000 for a portable podium that looks like the current presidential podium. So clearly this is Obama’s fault.

(My friend Richard Rothschild says “Yet another example of why Illinois consistently is the No. 1 Midwest seed in the National Corruption Tournament.”)

 

 

From Marc Ragovin   “I’m not saying that Robert Durst is guilty, but he just demanded that a Las Vegas sports memorabilia dealer give him back his stuff.”

Dressed?

February 28, 2015

Note to men, it doesn’t matter what color you say the dress is, as long as you don’t say it makes her look fat.

“He’s dead, Jim” End of an era. Leonard Nimoy has passed away at the age of 83. He prospered but seems like he did not live long enough..

 

 

 

 

With all that is going on in the world, this week Americans seem most focused on a dress and runaway llamas?! . Now we know what REALLY killed Leonard Nimoy. ‪#‎beammeupScottytheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

 

 

Most upset person in the US over ‪#‎theDress‬” has to be Kim Kardashian. Americans are actually ignoring her pictures in favor of a body that is fully clothed? ‪#‎thenerve‬

 

#‎whythereisnosatire‬. Gov. Scott Walker said this week that his experience taking on thousands of protestors in Wisconsin has helped prepare him to take on international terrorists. ‪#‎facepalm‬

Illinois GOP Rep. Aaron Schock has personally repaid $40,000 this month, after he was accused of spending taxpayer money to decorate his congressional office in the style of the TV show “Downton Abbey.” “Downton Abbey?” Really? How shocking! A Republican watches PBS?

Marco Rubio today at CPAC said “Hillary Clinton” is “Yesterday.” So if it’s Clinton-Bush in 2016 can we count on Rubio for a rousing chorus of “Yesterday Once More?”

 

The NBA says that on Monday and throughout the playoffs, the league will now publicly release internal reports on all calls and relevant no-calls in the final minutes of close games. Not that they will change such calls after the fact. Maybe they can start by retroactively apologizing to the 2002 Sacramento Kings.

So there are rumors that the NFL is sitting on a video regarding a 2011 incident where Dez Bryant’s girlfriend was apparently dragged around a Wal-Mart parking lot by an unidentified black man. (She and Bryant have denied the two were in an argument.) But hey, it’s all good. If it’s the NFL I am sure no one’s actually looked at the tape.

 

The House voted down a stopgap funding measure for the Department of Homeland Security today., resulting in this comment “There are terrorist attacks all over world and we’re talking about closing down Homeland Security. This is like living in world of crazy people.” And this is not Nancy Pelosi. It’s GOP Rep. Peter King.

Meanwhile,  though the bill finally passed, So when can we expect ‪#‎RudyGiuliani‬ to start screaming about GOP House members who voted down ‪#‎HomelandSecurity‬ $$$ not loving America.

We’ve come a long way, baby?

December 16, 2014

Not exactly. Barbara Walters named Amal Alamuddin Clooney, the “Most Fascinating Person of 2014,” because marrying George Clooney was “one of the greatest achievements in human history.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

Credit where credit is due. So far NJ Gov. Chris Christie, who was spotted last night in owner Jerry Jones’ luxury box, refuses to renounce his love for the Dallas Cowboys, saying he would never change his team loyalties to score political points. Besides, if Christie starting rooting for the Giants or Jets this year Americans would seriously question his sanity.

#‎JohnnyManziel‬ said Sunday was “a little bit of an off day.” In related news, the ‪#‎Cubs‬ have had a little bit of an off century.

The movie “Titanic” is leaving Netflix in 2015. This news will disappoint millions of women and about two men.

 

New Orleans Saints – 6-8, 1st in NFC South. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Saints fan and I love Drew Brees. But normally this level of mediocrity is only rewarded by re-election.

Northern California is getting enough rain that now some people who have been claiming they don’t have nice lawns because of the drought will now have to admit they don’t have lawns because they are lazy.

Happiest non-Saints fans tonight are Detroit fans, as Lions play the Bears next week and need a win to make playoffs ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎NOvsCHI‬ ‪#‎Saints‬

The NFL admitted they made a mistake calling SF LB Nick Moody for a roughing-the-passer penalty in the 49ers 17-7 loss yesterday.. And the Seahawks then scored a TD instead of settling for a FG. Which is some validation, although the final score then would have been 13-7.

From T.C.  “After almost 8,000 no shows at Soldier Field, and another brutal performance tonight, the Chicago Bears will announce Jon Lester as their starting QB in week 16.”

So the SF Giants “lost” Chase Headley to the NY Yankees, 4 years, $52 million. But the guy’s stats last year? He hit .243 with 13 home runs and 49 RBIs. We aren’t exactly talking Brooks Robinson here.

Apparently a British TV crew discovered a “magic” mushroom in the Buckingham Palace gardens. Hmm, maybe now we know how the Queen can smile and waive all the time.

A new Gallup Poll said Congress’s job-approval rating this year averaged 15%. Wow. Anyone know someone in that 15%?

Now ABC News is reporting that in a taped phone conversation, an NFL executive promised Adrian Peterson a two-game suspension instead of the indefinite ban he was given. Give the league credit, whatever bad stuff happens, the NFL itself still often manages to come off worse than the suspended players.

 

Once and future king.

December 14, 2014

george

Many think Prince Charles should have just married Camilla in the beginning, and saved himself and others much grief. On the other hand, his otherwise disastrous marriage to Diana does appear to have improved the gene pool. (And the look of the future British currency and stamps.)

 

Bryce Harper didn’t show up today at the NatsFest fan festival, apparently because of a grievance over a dispute over the Nationals star wanting to opt-out in 2015, the last year of the 5-yr $9.9 million contract he signed as a rookie. Harper, who is represented by Scott Boras, said he was “was unable to attend this year’s event due to matters out of my control.” Uh, that’s a clown statement, bro.

 

 

 

On Saturday night, the Senate approved a $1.1 trillion spending bill and sent it to the President for his signature. Because heaven forbid differences large and small should stand in the way of what’s really important – getting Congress home for their Christmas vacations.

#Whythereisnosatire. Ted Cruz wants to shut down the government again over immigration and Obama’s “illegal amnesty.” And yet, this is a man who was born in Canada and whose Cuban father made it to the U.S. when “a lawyer friend of my father basically bribed a Batista official to stamp my passport with an exit permit.”

In New York, 10 people were indicted over selling bogus airline tickets to about 200 people, and leaving many of them stranded at airports. Really, what were they thinking? Stranding people at the airport is the airlines’ job.

Looks the the people who are happiest about the new “Exodus: Gods and Kings” moves may be anyone involved with either “Ishtar” or “Gigli.” ‪#‎newworstmovieever‬?

 

As the unveiled Sony emails become more and more embarrassing, one good thing is no doubt Americans in future will be much more careful about what they type and post. ‪#‎notachance‬ ‪#‎slowlearners‬

Will Muschamp, less than two weeks after being fired at Florida, accepted a job as defensive coordinator at Auburn, and said “I’m just a ball coach.” And Gator fans said “Don’t flatter yourselves.”

No serious football Saturday except the Heisman trophy presentation. Which means ESPN et al could focus on the countdown to Johnny Manziel’s start tomorrow.

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You know it’s been a down year for the ‪#‎SEC‬ when a ‪#‎Pac12‬ player actually wins the ‪#‎Heisman‬

Pigs are flying. This quote tonight on the spending bill “Before Congress starts handing out Christmas presents to the megabanks and Wall Street…., we need to remove these risky derivatives that aren’t even necessary for normal banking purposes and would only make future taxpayer funded bailouts more likely.” Elizabeth Warren? Nope,  GOP Louisiana Senator  David Vitter.

Storm Watch?

December 10, 2014

A storm expected to wreak havoc in California is dubbed the “Pineapple Express” , because the rain comes directly from Hawaii to the West Coast. Okay, so clearly this one we can blame on Obama.

 

Schools in San Francisco, Marin and Oakland are closing tomorrow in anticipation of a big rain storm. Well, this should do wonders for the West Coast’s “soft” reputation.

Got to love this factoid from the SF Chronicle’s John Shea about Madison Bumgarner going to New York to accept the SI “Sportsman of the Year” award: He went out and got a suit for the occasion.

The House and Senate are about to approve multiplying by 10 the amount of money a person can contribute to a national political party from $32,400 to $324,000, and up to $648,000 in two years. Great, because that’s a major problem in Washington D.C., not enough money in elections….

 

Kate and William dazzled in New York this week. I know we got our independence and all that from Britain, but just imagine getting our regular celebrity fix from them instead of the Kardashians.

The NFL’s new personal conduct policy says “A suspension of six games without pay for violations involving assault, sexual assault, battery, domestic violence, child abuse and other forms of family violence will be in effect, but with consideration given to mitigating or aggravating circumstances.” “Mitigating circumstances” like being a superstar on a playoff bound team or being an owner?

The ‪#‎LADodgers‬ have acquired ‪#‎JimmyRollins‬ in a trade to be their starting shortstop. Even Vin Scully is saying “Isn’t he a bit old?”

So many players and front office staff think they can break the Cubs 106 year old jinx? Female sports fans aren’t surprised – these same men probably think they can win an argument with a woman.

Scott Boras said he would love for the SF Giants to enter the bidding for Max Scherzer. With all due respect, is there any team Boras wouldn’t want to enter the bidding, as long as they bring plenty of $$$?

ESPN headline “Transcript shows inconsistencies in Goodell’s testimony on Rice matter.” I’m shocked, said absolutely positively no one.

From my funny friend Jim Barach “Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn says that athletes and rock stars are exploiting loopholes to avoid paying taxes. Apparently the Senator is upset that those loopholes were intended to be used only by business people who donate the money they save to their congressmen.”

A Harvard professor is demanding the town of Brookline intervene in his fight with a local Chinese restaurant who he claims charged him $1 too much on each of 4 items. Yes, a $4 overcharge. The restaurant said their website was out of date.) Thereby proving Kissinger right again about academics.

Some wonder why big-name free agents don’t want to sign with the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after three World Series rings. One thought, a lot of stars want to be legendary heroes. On the Giants, first it’s all about team, second you have to stand in line for the hero title.

Rick Perry said today “People expect me to run for President.” Not sure about that. But comedy writers are praying for it.

Message from Stanford about the Foster Farms Bowl. ” Fans who buy tickets through Stanford Athletics will be seated in the designated Stanford section and helps support 900+ student-athletes.” Translation, we expect about 500 folks from Maryland to show up and so the bowl will probably be discounting tickets on Groupon, but please help us fill our allotment.

Youthful follies.

December 2, 2014

Elizabeth Lauten, who posted that rant on FB about the Obama girls and their clothes, resigned today as communications director for a GOP congressman from Tennessee. Well, at least she won’t have to deal with that interview question “why did you leave your last job?”.

Some wonder where Elizabeth Lauten will end up next. I got dibs on FOX News in the pool.

Madonna, 56, is topless in a new photo spread in “Interview” magazine. And you think you embarrass YOUR children.

 

Cleveland QB Brian Hoyer, defending his role as the team’s starter. “We’re 7-5. That just doesn’t happen by luck.” No, but getting to have played Tennessee, Jacksonville, Oakland, Atlanta, New Orleans and Tampa Bay doesn’t hurt either.

Some tickets for tonight’s Miami-NY ‪#‎MNF‬ game were going for $15. But many Jets fans were holding out to be paid more.

It’s getting bad. At this point the only halfway decent team playing football in New Jersey might be 7-5 ‪#‎Rutgers‬. ‪#‎NYJets‬ #nyjets

The Washington Redskins had a “Cyber Monday” deal for season tickets. “By Telephone Only.” Sounds like Dan Snyder and company get the concept of “Cyber Monday” about as well as they get the idea of putting together a decent football team.

 

 

Cyber Monday is over. The one day of the year when average American women are as focused on their jobs as most men are during the first day of March Madness.

Lindsey Vonn says her boyfriend Tiger Woods is an “inspiration”. “You’re just figuring that out now?” responded comedy writers.

The NFL has decided not to fine the St. Louis Rams players who made the “hands up don’t shoot” gesture before yesterday’s game with Oakland. Nor are they fining the Raiders who looked like they were REALLY surrendering.

TC says  “The Raiders played the entire game with their hands up also. Did you know their “Challenge Flag” is white?”

House Speaker John Boehner has indicated another government shutdown could be possible when a temporary funding measure expires Dec. 11. Here’s a simple solution – NO ONE from Congress goes home for the holidays until they have a deal, period..

The winner of Uruguay’s presidential election, Tabare Vazques, has promised to create the first state-run marijuana marketplace. In related news, travel agents report a sudden jump in calls asking to visit Uruguay.

May the night light be with you.

November 7, 2014

Star Wars VII now has a title “The Force Awakens.” And given the age of many in the cast, presume the subtitle is “Every Few Hours in the Middle of the Night to Pee.”

 

Madison Bumgarner just won the “Silver Slugger” award for being the best offensive player at his position. But the SF Giants lefty didn’t get a hit in the postseason, including the World Series. What a disappointment.

San Diego shortstop Everth Cabrera was stopped for allegedly driving under the influence of marijuana, and ultimately charged with resisting arrest. Of course, being a Padre, if he pulled the “Do you know who I am?” card, the answer might have honestly been. “No.”

A-Rod reportedly admitted to using PEDS during a meeting with the DEA earlier this year. Yep, baseball normalcy has returned: The World Series is over and the Yankees are back in the headlines.

The first NFL 2015 “International Series” game at Wembley will be the Miami Dolphins vs. the NY Jets. And Jets fans are thinking, “Can London just keep them?”

John Boehner said that executive actions by Obama on immigration would “poison the well” for legislation. As opposed to that great bipartisan effort Congress has made with the President so far?

A court today upheld gay marriage bans in Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee. So in those last two states, men can still marry their sisters, just not their brothers?

On Fox News, Condoleezza Rice criticized Democratic campaign ads aimed at African Americans in the South that featured Ferguson and the death of Michael Brown. She said she found the fear mongering “appalling” and “insulting.” Uh, okay Condi, but what about fear mongering in GOP ads aimed at whites about crime and immigration featuring minorities?

 

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said of freshman Jahlil Okafor “We won’t have him long. We’ll have him this year and then he’ll be one of the top [NBA] picks.” In other words, Okafor’s second semester professors might as well forget about getting those papers turned in.

Wonder if Okafor will stick around long enough to learn to spell “Krzyewski?”

 

 

Let the fun begin. Sources told ESPN that Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome testified under oath Thursday that he heard Ray Rice in June tell Roger Goodell that he hit Janay in a casino hotel elevator.  So let’s see, does the NFL commissioner claims amnesia or a concussion.

 

 

Jennifer Aniston apparently goes without makeup in her new film “Cake,” and called it “dreamy and empowering and liberating.”    And yes, imagine what a shocking change  it must have been – relying only on her personal assistants, trainer and esthetician.

Lebron James is apparently “concerned” about the Cavaliers 1-3 start. Did he think it would be easy for the team to improve enough to be knocked off by the Spurs in the NBA finals?

Worthy punishments?

September 16, 2014

So if all these players are so big on whipping as appropriate discipline maybe it’s time to stop the fines and suspensions for various NFL transgressions and move to public floggings.

Breaking news.  Adrian Peterson has just been placed on the “exempt” list by the Vikings and the NFL, which means he cannot take part in team activities “for the time being.” Translation, until it costs us more to have him sit than to have him play.

Roger Goodell announced yesterday that he has appointed three women as “senior advisers,” And that they will “help lead and shape the NFL’s policies and programs relating to domestic violence and sexual assault,” Did Goodell get the idea from Bud Selig’s “blue ribbon committees?”

So when they put out the NFL injury report each week for bettors and fantasy football players, how long until the league starts combining it with an arrest report?

 

The University of Miami’s QB of the future Kevin Olsen is no longer enrolled at the school, after his THIRD suspension from the football program. This time for a DUI with 5 fake driver’s licenses. Is it too soon to start a pool as to which SEC school will give him another chance?

Major NFL sponsor Anheuser-Busch says they are ”disappointed and increasingly concerned” by recent incidents. And that they have shared their concerns and expectations with the league. When you give a beer company the moral high ground, you know you have a problem.

 

 

Reggie Bush, on parenting “I have a 1-year-old daughter, and I discipline her.. I definitely will try to, will obviously not leave bruises or anything like that on her. But I definitely will discipline her harshly depending on, again, on what the situation is.” When asked directly about using a switch, Bush said, “I would possibly consider [it], depending on what she did.” He later added “”No, I didn’t say a branch or a stick,” he said. “I said spanking. Spanking is different than a branch or a stick.”

Wow. Is the NFL going for the “excuse all our players because they have had concussions” defense?

Rush Limbaugh “How many guys, in your own experience with women, have learned that no means yes if you know how to spot it?.. ” Is this Rush’s way of trying to take the negative spotlight off his friend Roger Goodell?

Sen. Maria Cantwell today announced she would introduce legislation to remove the NFL’s tax exempt status if the league did not put pressure on the Washington Redskins to change their team name. Because the Senate doesn’t have anything better to do?

The Browns’ Josh Gordon is currently under a season long 16 game suspension for marijuana. But new rule changes are expected to reduce the suspension to 10 games. On the other hand, Gordon just pleaded guilty to a DUI, which would be a 2 game suspension. So, 16 minus 6, plus 2. Who says NFL players don’t need to know math?

Going down to wire of Sept. ‪#‎MLB‬ playoff chases, it’s really great to see traditional rivalry games like… the Pirates vs Red Sox? ‪#‎thanksfornothingSelig‬

The Yankees’ Martin Prado had to have an appendectomy this morning. Stand by for the ESPN report on Derek Jeter’s reaction.

This month, alas,  the NFL seems to be trying to prove Earl Warren wrong? “I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people’s accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man’s failures. ”

 

Both the Nationals and the Orioles have clinched their baseball divisions. Standby for the GOP accusing Obama of being at fault for the resulting increased traffic.

A behind by any other name?

August 8, 2014

College instructors now use plagiarism software that can detect passages taken directly from the internet. So some students have taken to using “synonym swapping” to change phrases. At Middlesex University in England, however, a student was caught when he changed the words “left behind” to “sinister buttocks.”

 

A judge ruled today that the NCAA is violating antitrust laws by restricting the compensation that major college football and men’s basketball athletes can receive for use of their names, images and likeness. So in the SEC and at USC, does this just mean athlete pay goes from under to on the table?

 

Big 12 commissioner Bob Bowlsby on the NCAA allowing power conferences to set their own rules. “This (vote) is about higher education.” And he said it with a straight face.

A toddler apparently got past security and through the White House fence yesterday. He was returned safely to his parents. Though President Obama probably had a more mature interaction with the boy than he has had with Congress.

In Missouri, the CEO of Windemere Baptist Conference center was arrested for allegedly trying to arrange sex with a dog and an unnamed other animal on Craigslist. Hmm, when some of these anti-gay marriage folks are saying it will lead to people wanting to marry their pets, are they speaking from experience?

Putin has decided to ban imports of many foods from EU members, the US and Canada into Russia, including meat, fish, cheese, fruits and vegetables. Whiskey, on the other hand, is exempt. #priorities.

New backup 49ers QB Blaine Gabbert had a 1.7 passer rating in his debut preseason appearance. (3 of 11 for 20 yards.) Well, Tim Tebow is available….

Seahawks CB Tharold Simon was ejected from the team’s first pre-season game for throwing a punch at one of the Broncos. Is Simon trying to get traded to the Ravens?

As Hurricane Iselle swept through Hawaii, many surfers took to the waves. Alas for the long term betterment of humankind, there appear to have been no Darwin Awards.

President Obama ordered U.S. jet fighters to strike ISIS militants in Iraq. This has to be a real problem for many in the GOP. How do they criticize Obama for bombing someone?

 

 

Headline on ESPN “Team USA adds Gay to roster.” Just waiting for the first moron to scream about a homosexual agenda.

Where in the world…?

July 16, 2014

A TSA agent today at Orlando International Airport.  asked for a reporter’s passport when the man showed him a District of Columbia driver’s license. Not realizing D.C. is actually part of the U.S. Wonder if the TSA agent told the guy his team should have beaten Brazil….

Okay, both Bud Selig and players association executive director Tony Clark both just said they would like to reduce and ultimately eliminate smokeless tobacco usage in MLB. Great, so with that goal, wouldn’t it have made sense to use the big stage of the All-Star Game for that message as part of a tribute to Tony Gwynn? Or would that have taken time away from “Pride of the Yankees -2 -the Derek Jeter show?”

If someone turned into last night’s All-Star game who had never seen baseball before and didn’t know the players, they might have been forgiven for thinking “That poor Jeter guy, he must be dying?”

At Target Field presume someone is interviewing the last stadium worker asking how it felt to clean up after #Jeter‘s last #AllStarGame?

From Bill Littlejohn.  “I hear that Adam Wainwright’s new walk-up music just became ‘Groovin’ on a Sunday Afternoon'”

Alabama and USC will kick off the 2016 college football season with a game at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. It will be the first regular season meeting in almost 40 years between two of the NCAA’s highest paid teams.

With the new College Football Playoff system, the “Power Five” conferences will each receive about $50 million and the other FBS leagues will split $75 million. Just for this first year. Well, this should help the NCAA pay legal bills as they fight against paying players because it would ruin the game.

Oscar Pistorius, whose trial is in a recess until August, got into a bar fight last weekend, but his family issued a statement it was only because he’s in ’emotional pain,’ and feels lonely. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

Another of those “Darwin – missed it by that much” stories. A West Seattle man decided to kill a spider with a can of spray paint and a lighter (huh?) He managed to set his house on fire, causing about $60,000 in damages. Although he, and possibly the spider, survived.

In South Carolina, the KKK is handing out bags of candy as part of a recruiting effort. The bags have a phone number and a message inside .””Save Our Land, Join the Klan.” Is it too late to let the South secede?

(Dan St. Paul suggests, “Presumably the bags have two holes cut out for your eyes?”)

Dwight Howard tweeted last weekend “FreePalestine.” Then deleted the message 15 min later “Previous tweet was a mistake, I have never commented on international politics and never will.” Did Howard run out of characters to end the message “again?”

 

 

Best team award at the #ESPYS to the Seattle Seahawks? Really . Even #ESPN doesn’t respect the #Spurs. #notenoughdrama?

 

 

Would love to be a fly on the wall when athletes’ wives ask “So honey, what did you think of that #Sidepieces song? #ESPYS #nogoodanswer.

Dick Cheney says that “Barack Obama is the worst President of my lifetime.” Now, President Obama hasn’t been perfect. But he’s not even the worst President of the last decade.

 

 

Majority ruled?. Senate Republicans today blocked a bill to restore free birth control for women whose health insurance comes from employers with religious objections. The losing vote? 56-43 in favor of the bill. (Three GOP Senators voted yes.. Two were women.)

Misremembering and misbehaving.

July 3, 2014

Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.

 

The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..

 

Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”

 

But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”

Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?

In England, the lawyer for ex-“News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?

Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.

At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”

Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.

 

Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California  town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.

 

Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?

 

Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.

Our short national nightmare is over.

June 19, 2014

#Facebook was down for about 30 minutes Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of people were limited to looking at their own cats.

British Prime Minister David Cameron gave Chinese premier Li Keqiang a signed copy of the shooting script for the first episode of Downton Abbey as a souvenir of Keqiang’s visit to the UK. Wonder how long it will take China to come up with a show knock-off?

And so it begins, Grover Norquist suggests renaming the Redskins the Washington Reagans, What, not the Gippers?

My friend Jeff suggests the Washington Blamers. With a logo of a lot of pointing fingers.

John Kerry, on Dick Cheney’s recent criticism of Obama. “This is the man who took us into Iraq saying this? Please.’ If Kerry had fought back like that against the “Swift boaters” he might have had a chance to be elected President.

Former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer, who appears to be running more for a TV job than President, in an interview on Eric Cantor “If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw (him) talking, I would say—and I’m fine with gay people, that’s all right—but my gaydar is 60-70 percent.” Oh please, oh please, someone ask Schweitzer about Marcus Bachmann.

So the San Antonio Spurs have a dominating win in the NBA Finals and all the talk is about – what will Lebron and the Heat do next year? #Americalovestrainwrecks

Who says I never say anything nice about George W. Bush?. At least the former President hasn’t added his name to the GOP chorus criticizing Obama on Iraq.

Apparently Harrison Ford suffered a broken leg, not an injured ankle as previously reported, on the set of the latest “Star Wars” sequel. Good thing he wasn’t working on a remake of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”

So what’s the difference in this year’s World Cup between Spain and England? About 24 hours.

England is now close to being out of the World Cup. To put this in perspective for Americans, it’s like the USA being eliminated in the first round of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

In Wisconsin, prosecutors are alleged that Gov. Scott Walker was at the center of a nationwide “criminal scheme” with people like Karl Rove to illegally coordinate with outside conservative groups. If true, clearly this must be Obama’s fault.

New GOP majority leader Kevin McCarthy started a deli business with money he won in the lottery when he was 19. Makes sense. winning the lottery is one of the paths Republicans now figure poor people should use to get ahead.

KTVU achieved national infamy earlier this year over a prank involving alleged Asiana pilot names.  Monday night, a KTVU reporter doing a live story on a woman who was robbed in Oakland, CA left her purse in a nearby unlocked van.  And the purse, of course, was stolen. Hope no one tries to get her read the names of suspected thieves on the air.

(Susan Marie H. asks “Was the reporters name Dora Notloc, Norma Coach, Greta Klue, or Ima Stoopid?)

A seriously cool story.  Somewhere, Tony Gwynn is smiling. Good luck to Addison Reed.

http://msn.foxsports.com/arizona/story/d-backs-reed-quits-tobacco-out-of-respect-for-gwynn-061714

Games People Play

April 28, 2014

The X Games Austin this June will now feature a “Call to Duty” tournament. What’s next, MLG (Major League Gaming) in the Olympics?

 

The “Kissing Congressman,” Vince McAllister, who campaigned on Christian values and was caught on tape with a staffer, says he will not seek re-election. Guess McAllister wants to spend more time lying to his family.

The SEC, saying they want to improve strength of schedule, will start in 2016 to require that all football teams schedule at least one ACC, Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 team per season. That stampeding sound you hear is all the SEC AD’s rushing to call Cal.

 

A ESPN report citing Jim Nantz says that the Dallas Cowboys “will do whatever it takes” to get Johnny Manziel. Because there are still people outside of North Texas who don’t already hate the Cowboys?

In South Korean, three people have been arrested on suspicion of destroying evidence connected to the ferry sinking. These people almost make the captain of Costa Concordia look decent by comparison.

Paul Simon and his wife, Edie Brickell, have been arrested on disorderly conduct charges. What were they doing, burning that bridge over troubled water

I’m not even a Warriors fan – root more for the Spurs. But well played Dubs fans, well played.

Image

Warriors coach Mark Jackson says that fans should boycott game 5 in Los Angeles as a response to the comments made by Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Fair enough, but why didn’t he also suggest fans boycott game 4 in Oakland?

Not sure in a community property state why Donald Sterling’s wife has stayed with him all these years, but now might be a good time to file for divorce. Especially if she can get an African-American judge.

Yes, I believe in free speech. But even as big of an idiot as Donald Sterling should have known that with a woman you are basically buying, NOTHING is free.

 

If all these sponsors leaving the Clippers teach us anything it may be that the color that matters isn’t black or white, but green.

If any other NBA owners have negative thoughts about minorities, including gays, probably not a good idea to share them in a conversation with your mistress.

So has anyone asked the #DuckDynasty clan what they think of #DonaldSterling?

 

Marc Ragovin wonders if “it’s time for Donald Sterling to take up cattle ranching?”

#DonaldSterling may have saved the #Pacers from being the most embarrassing story of these NBA playoffs.

Almost memories?

February 1, 2014

All of this Justin Bieber trouble in the headlines makes many Americans nostalgic for a kinder, gentler time, when the worst music export we could blame Canada for was Celine Dion.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said today that the name “Redskins” “honors Native Americans”, and “is a unifying force that stands for strength, courage, pride and respect..” Maybe once upon a time, but has Goodell watched the team play lately?”

Federal authorities say they have seized over $21 million in fake Super Bowl merchandise. What was their first clue? Did some of the gear say “Dallas Cowboys” on it?

Just think, the U.S. is only about a day away from being done with pre-Super Bowl hype. And after the post-Super Bowl recap is done we should be only about 48 hours away from NFL draft hype.

In Kingsport, Tenn, SF 49ers OL Daniel Kilgore was charged with public intoxication last Saturday night when police saw him “staggering” on a sidewalk and arrested him for his “safety and the welfare of the public.”. Just one thought, Kilgore is listed at 308 lb. How many drinks does it take to get “staggering” drunk at 308 lbs?

It’s an old joke but someone’s got to recycle it. Police today Friday were investigating white powder scares in New Jersey near MetLife Stadium. Wonder if the cops were Jets and Giants fans, in which case there’s a good chance the unknown powder was the goal line.

Olive Garden has a promotion next Friday night, drop off your kids at a “My Gym” location, eat at Olive Garden, show your receipt, and the babysitting is free. If this works maybe real Italian restaurants will follow suit.

Roger Goodell, joking about marijuana and the NFL drug policy, “I am randomly tested, and I’m happy to say that I am clean.” No doubt. If Goodell inhaled, the No Fun League might be a little mellower.

Apparently Tim Tebow will appear in two Super Bowl ads. If the ads are any good presumably they’ll only run in the 4th quarter?

U.S. Capitol Police say they will not press charges over the incident when Rep. Michael Grimm threatened to throw a reporter over a “f*cking balcony.” No doubt because despite the threat, the police figured, Grimm’s a Congressman, they don’t actually DO anything.

In an interview with Geraldo Rivera Rudy Giuliani said it’s “fifty-fifty” that Christie was aware in advance of the bridge closures. And if anyone knows on the uncertain odds of honesty, it’s the man who’s said “til death do us part” three times.

Not sure if these new allegations that Chris Christie knew about the bridge closure in advance are true. But strikes me if they are the NJ Governor maybe should have responded when the story first hit ” – Yeah, I closed down a few lanes on his damn bridge. What do you think I’ll do to countries who don’t cooperate with the U.S.?”

Apparently 6% of Americans call in sick the day after the Super Bowl. Forget avoiding cruises, clearly the real way to take care of your health is to avoid Super Bowl parties.

Now Toronto mayor Rob Ford has come to the defense of Justin Bieber. Maybe Ford views Bieber as a future Canadian political leader?

Robert Marchand, 102, broke his own world record in the 100’s cycling category. He rode 26.927 kilometers in one hour, more than 2.5 kilometers better than his previous best time two years ago. Quick, somebody test his ENSURE.

 

Oh, dear.

January 7, 2014

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh today compared Colin Kaepernick to a gazelle. Is that really the right metaphor to use when your next opponent is the Panthers?

Upon further reflection with that Chiefs-Colts matchup, the only person who could have stopped Andrew Luck taking over that game late was David Shaw.

Jim Harbaugh said after yesterday’s 49ers-Packers game, that the “greatest catcher of all time, Michael Crabtree, catches everything.” The “greatest catcher of all time?” Uh, not even the greatest “catcher” in recent history with the 49ers.

The latest battle in Washington is over long-term unemployment benefits, and many in the GOP are against reintroducing them. Although you do wonder how some in Congress can rail with a straight face against unemployed Americans who have accomplished nothing in six months.

Proving that all the stupidity in the world is not caused by testosterone poisoning. A New Hampshire girl is recovering after she got stuck for 15 minutes to a flag pole after licking it during a blizzard.

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Madonna posted an Instagram picture of her 13-year-old son holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Looks like the apple isn’t going to stagger far from the tree.

You would think if any team in the US knew to put some fast defenders on their kicking team it would be Auburn. #ownmedicine #AUBvsFSU

So for the first time in 8 years, an SEC team is not the BCS champion.   Something that no doubt will be addressed by the conference putting 2 or 3 teams in next year’s playoffs.

Pasadena police have to be relieved. They don’t have to stand guard over their palms to prevent the trees being rolled.

With the story of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos being airlifted off a cruise ship, kidney stones are in the news. With one story saying “they are more painful than childbirth.” Just guessing that quote comes from a man.

The new Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 is expected to cost $75,000. And that’s before speeding tickets.

Stay classy! Gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly has a commercial out dismissing the idea of a Republican “War on Women”. It features Jennifer Kerns, his female campaign manager saying “The war on women was started by consultants.” And Kerns mentions “Chappaquiddick” as an example of a real war on women. Guessing even much of the GOP is appalled, although no doubt there are others who wonder if they can blame Chappaquiddick on Obama.

Progress and Congress.

October 16, 2013

Cory Booker won the U.S Senate seat in New Jersey tonight. Against a Republican who called him a “Hollywood stand-in” for President Obama. Alas for Steve Lonegan NJ voters apparently viewed him as a stand-in for Ted Cruz.

A new study found that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. The scary thing… what does that mean for treats that are made from real chocolate?

A flight from San Jose to Honolulu made an emergency stop in Oakland after a bird was sucked into an engine. Alaska Airlines reported no injuries. The bird, however, would disagree.

Brian Cashman’s former mistress is suing her psychiatrist for leaking medical information to the Yankees GM, which she claims to her arrest and incarceration for five months. Hmm, maybe we’ve found a possible woman who really deserves A-Rod.

Obama met briefly today with Miss America Nina Davuluri when she visited the White House with a group from the Children’s Miracle Network Hospital Champions. Presumably the President did so despite an offer to fill in during the shutdown from former President Clinton.

Staten Island Congressman Michael Grimm, who is single, is denying the story that he had a 17-minute sexual encounter with a woman in a wine bar bathroom. I don’t know… 17 minutes? Might raise his standing with female voters.

Ted Cruz decided not to block a vote on the Senate shutdown-debt ceiling deal. So has he decided he likes “Green Eggs & Ham?”

John Boehner may have accomplished the impossible – making Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell look like statesmen.

So regarding this Redskins controversy, we used to have the Washington Senators. In light of current events and current competence levels, why don’t we rename the football team the Washington House?

“Better to keep silent and be thought a fool” dept: Colts owner Jim Irsay said he was “frustrated” that his team won only one Super Bowl when Peyton Manning was there. Just the motivation Peyton needs for his next opponent… Indianapolis.

Peyton Manning in response to Colts’ owner Irsay’s complaint about them only having 1 ring. “I don’t have any answer for you on that, or any comment on any of that.” Two points on that: 1. Archie raised a classy son. 2. Broncos are 6-0, and the Colts 4-2. (No comment is a bit classier than “Suck it, Irsay.”)

What a relief for Fox announcers. With Pedroia’s single in 1st tonight, they didn’t need to spend most of #ALCS game 4 jinxing another #Tigers no-hitter.

If any men needed more explanation as to why females still adore Robert Redford, there’s was today’s CNN interview: Where the actor said that women and young people are the answer in Washington “Give them the reins. I think they can do better than we have.”