Posted tagged ‘Texas jokes’
August 24, 2017
Manu Ginobili signed 2-year, $5mill deal with Spurs. Of course San Antonio saves some money since Manu’s health costs covered by Medicare.
–
–
Unclear on the concept. Celtic fans fans burning Isaiah Thomas jerseys. They do realize he was TRADED right? Not his choice. #cantfixstupid
So if these brawls keep up can we expect to see #Yankees #Tigers on pay-per-view?
–
Down goes Frazier. (Clint) Not exactly what you expect in a baseball game.
–
Amazon says they will lower some prices at Whole Foods Monday. Good news for shoppers who will now be able to lower their lines of credit.
–
RIP Jay Thomas, 69, Eddie LeBec on Cheers. Instead of a hearse maybe he can be taken to his funeral in a Zamboni?
–
So does Trump remember who his FEMA director is? #Harvey
–
Lots of great people in Texas. Wishing them the best. And hoping they all remember that their Senator Ted Cruz voted against Federal Funding for hurricane relief after Sandy.
–
The Obamas were seen this week in Cambridge helping Malia move into Harvard. Think anyone’s told Trump that Tiffany started law school?
–
Gunman shot after holding hostages in #Charleston. Not terrorism, just “disgruntled employee” w/ gun. Nothing to see here. Unless he turns out to be undocumented.
–
An audit shows a plan to streamline University of California, payroll systems will take 5 years longer than planned, and cost triple the original estimates, almost $1 billion.
Maybe next year they should hire people from Stanford?
–
Powerball winner says first thing she is going to do is quit her job. Points for honesty. “The money won’t change me at all..
Turns out lottery-winer Mavis Wanczyk’s ex-husband was killed in a hit-and-run crash last year. Sad. But, at least no alimony battles. #bustohell
–
Happy #NationalWaffleDay – So it only took 7 months to get a day in Trump’s honor?
–
Is there anyone in Washington @realDonaldTrump hasn’t feuded or isn’t feuding with? Who knew being President could be so complicated?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: harvey jokes, Janice Hough, Texas jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
June 27, 2016
Iceland just knocked England out of the #Euro2016. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Thursday.
After England’s loss to Iceland, England soccer coach Roy Hodgson resigned immediately. And probably about five minutes before he was fired.
–
Carmelo Anthony says he’s already trying to recruit Kevin Durant. Well, there are some advantages to the Knicks – lots of media attention, the city of New York, and the months of May and June off.
–
A new Lenny Dykstra book coming out tomorrow is apparently so toxic that even Jose Canseco is saying “Dude, less is more.”
Rio de Janeiro’s governor said today that the Olympic Games could be a “big failure” What was his first clue?
–
Monday was #NationalSunglassesDay. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”
–
Today is #NationalSunglassesDay. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”
–
Jacksonville Jaguars LB Dan Skuta was charged with first-degree battery for an incident last week in Orlando where he allegedly pushed a woman’s face “with an open hand into a glass window” at around 2:30 a.m. The woman had apparently talked to Skuta, but declined to give him her phone number.
How bad are the Jaguars? Bad enough that not only can’t they come close to .500, but players can’t even impress women?
–
Two University of Texas freshmen who were moving out of their dorm found a hidden hold with antique items from the late 1950s, including pictures and empty beer cans. And presumably some still-fresh Twinkies.
The Supreme Court struck down Texas’s abortion law that would have closed most clinics in the state. More ammunition for “Texit?”
–
Just to prove that stupidity is not confined to one political persuasion, someone -just guessing it might have been a man – at “the Daily Show” thought this was a funny tweet in response to today’s abortion ruling: “Celebrate the #SCOTUS ruling! Go knock someone up in Texas!”
Even though fewer than 10 out of 41 clinics would have remained with the laws the Supreme Court just struck down, the Texas state solicitor general had argued “over 90% of Texas women of reproductive age will live within 150 miles of an open abortion clinic. ”
Not that they’re equivalent, but wonder what would have been the reaction if a law had required Texas men to drive up to 150 miles for Viagra?
Of course abortion and Viagra are not equivalent. But on the other hand, Texas didn’t claim their law was to eliminate abortion, it was to “protect women’s health.” And even the ED drug ads say things like “if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”
So maybe Viagra-seeking men should indeed be required to go to a hospital.
Donald Trump just will not let go of this “Pocahontas” name-calling with Elizabeth Warren. But to be fair, maybe in another life, maybe that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head was a pelt.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, texas jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #scotus jokes, brexit jokes, england jokes, iceland jokes, Janice Hough, Olympic jokes, Supreme Court jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 8 Comments
June 2, 2016
Lebron James called the 2014 San Antonio Spurs the best team he’d ever faced. After NBA Finals game 1, where Cleveland was beaten by the Golden State bench, looking like the Cavs couldn’t even come close to beating the 2016 Spurs.
–
Some of these officiating delays in the #NBAFinals make you long for the quick decisions of #MLB instant replay. #sarcasm
–
In the Barry Bonds days, no one wanted to leave their seat at home or in front of the TV when he was due up to bat. Not that he’s THAT good, but it’s beginning to feel the same way when you know Madison Bumgarner will have an AB. #anythingcanhappen #SFGiants #Pitcherswhorake
–
SFGiants have a message for all #DH fans who say no one wants to watch a pitcher hit. #STFU #PitchersWhoRake #PitchersWhoReallyRake #Madbum
–
Starbucks is teaming up with Anheuser-Busch for a bottled version of their “Teavana” tea. The product, however, won’t have any actual beer in it. Just like Bud Light.
A Crimson Tide coach, Bo Davis, resigned this spring over illegal contact with a recruit. But Nick Saban has been complaining about the Wolverines’ satellite camps. Jim Harbaugh’s Twitter response “‘Amazing’ to me – Alabama broke NCAA rules & now their HC is lecturing us on the possibility of rules being broken at camps. Truly ‘amazing.’
How much do we want to see Michigan-Alabama in college football now? #whatsyourdeal
–
Jeffery Simmons, the 12th ranked DE recruit in the US, was arrested and charged with assault and disturbing the peace this March. A video showed him hitting a woman several times. Mississippi State said Simmons will be given a one-game suspension and allowed to play football, but with “conditions attached.”
The number one condition being that he play well on the field?
–
Sad. Prince apparently died of a opiod overdose. So Jehovah’s Witnesses can’t have surgery, but they can drug themselves to death?
–
Bernard Marcus, the founder of Home Depot, has endorsed Donald Trump for President. Presumably because he hopes Trump will need to shop at Home Depot to built that wall.
–
Taylor Swift’s boyfriend of 15 month, Calvin Harris, apparently just broke up with HER. Well, at least the song should be different this time.
–
The graduate student who fatally shot a UCLA professor had accused the professor of stealing his work. So yeah, what we need in a high-stress college environment is for all students and professors to be armed.
#sarcasm
–
Paul Ryan said he’ll vote for Donald Trump in November. Did they legalize marijuana in Wisconsin and not tell us?
The AP reports that after Texas Gov. Greg Abbott dropped a state probe into Trump University, the Donald gave Abbott a $35,000 donation to his campaign. Five words: “Damn, I miss Molly Ivins.”
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cavs jokes, DH jokes, Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, madison bumgarner jokes, NBA jokes, prince jokes, SFGiants jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
May 18, 2016
Dear Gawd. This actual tweet from Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. “JFK wanted to send a man to the moon. Obama wants to send a man to the women’s restroom. We must get our country back on track. ”
Well, I can think of one man I’d love to send to the moon. And Abbott can take Ted Cruz with him.
Dikembe Mutombo tweeted out congratulations to the 76ers on winning the NBA draft lottery. Before the lottery happened. Well this should do wonders for the rumors that it’s all fixed.
–
Nancy Armour writing in USA Today says “Ban countries that dope from Olympics.” Well, that’s one way to get this upcoming mess of a Rio games cancelled.
–
Alabama star LT Cam Robinson along with DB Hootie Jones were arrested this a.m. Both were charged with marijuana possession but Robinson, a potential top-draft pick, also with “felony illegal possession of stolen firearms.” Yep, he’s NFL ready all right.
–
Maine got slammed with 4-7 inches of snow yesterday. And in Denver they’re going, aw, we can probably beat that. #snowinJune?
–
A self-proclaimed mother of 12 has posted a video of herself walking through Target with a bible saying that the chain doesn’t protect mothers and children etc….. So I missed the videos where she was protesting the Duggars. And the Catholic church.
–
The IOC has opened disciplinary proceedings against 31 athletes from 12 countries just found to have been doping when their samples were retested from the 2008 Beijing games. The IOC President’s said it sends a “powerful message to the cheats.” Right. Always use the most cutting edge drugs
So some are outraged because OKC’s Steven Adams, who is from New Zealand, referred to Curry and Thompson as “quick little monkeys.” He also quickly apologized. But does anyone think Adams would deliberately say that as a slur, playing on a team that is mostly African American? (And Klay is actually biracial.) #PCoverload
–
Donald Trump said he’d be willing to speak to Kim Jong Un. At the same time he’s insulting UK Prime Minister David Cameron. If this were a proposed movie script it would be rejected as too far fetched
–
Donald Trump also said his income last year was exceeded $557 million. And heck, aren’t all Americans on the honor system about their income with the IRS?
–
#TrumpKelly interview tonight on Fox. Proving again that whatever divides us as Americans, people can be brought together by love of $$$$.
–
After game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals Canada is going, well we still have Justin Trudeau and your potential leaders are…. #TORvsCLE
–
MLB bans #Odor 8 games, #Bautista for 1. So if you want to take someone out in baseball, use your legs not your hands.
Ben Simmons apparently is hoping to be drafted by the Lakers so that he can get a bigger shoe deal. Sounds like a perfect fit for Los Angeles with that team-oriented basketball they practiced so well at the end of Kobe’s career.
–
And never say never. Even so guessing that Ben Simmons is NEVER going to be a Spur.
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, bathroom jokes, greg abbott jokes, ioc jokes, Janice Hough, Megyn Kelly jokes, Olympics jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
April 6, 2016
So in 2016 what’s more likely in California? The #Warriors get to 73 wins? Or the #Padres get to 73 runs?
–
#SDPadres are working on a three game scoreless streak to open 2016 season. Are they trying to become official #MLB team of #MLS Major League Soccer.
–
Well, darn, the #SFGiants aren’t going to go 162-0. Probably better off not to tire them for the playoffs anyway.
Blue Jays manager John Gibbons complained after MLB’s new slide rule cost Toronto a run in a 5-3 loss to the Rays, “They’re trying to put dresses on us.” Uh, Gibbons, whine all you want. Then go watch “League of their Own” and find a new metaphor. #Theresnocryinginbaseball
–
Rockies rookie SS Trevor Story is the first MLB player since 1900 to homer in his first three games. Even more amazing, Story hasn’t played at Coors Field yet.
Open note to @SenSanders & @HillaryClinton: Knock off the negativity. When #GOP is in a circus hole, stand back & watch them dig tent poles.
–
Meanwhile, how powerful is #DonaldTrump? He’s managed to make #TedCruz seem like the more palatable GOP alternative.
–
At a Texas elementary school, the principal has banned parents from setting foot on campus, meaning they can neither walk their kids to school nor pick them up, unless those parents wait in a long line in their cars. #ifonlytheywerearmed No, wait…. #cantfixstupid
–
George Mason, whose law school wanted to honor the late Supreme Court Judge, has now switched its name to Antonin Scalia Law School. This after the internet pointed out the original change -the Antonin Scalia School of Law – was ASSLaw or ASSoL. Think they had it right the first time.
–
No injuries were reported when Apple employee shuttle bus caught fire today on a freeway in Northern Calfornia at about 630a this morning. It’s actually a shocking story – there are computer geeks UP at 630a in the morning?
–
Your daily dose of “blech”: Ann Coulter is now saying that Donald Trump will protect Americans from “Latin American rape culture.” Not sure which is harder to believe, that women would have affairs with Ted Cruz or that men of any culture would want Ann Coulter.
–
Walt Disney World is now offering guests who pay an extra $69 per person ($59 for kids) the chance to enter the Magic Kingdom earlier and avoid some of the longest lines. Great, leaving aside the class divide aspect, now in the summer, we can look forward to even grouchier parents yelling at their hot and even tireder kids about how much money they spent and THEY.SHOULD.BE.HAVING.FUN.DAMMIT
–
United Airlines is celebrating their 90th birthday. Curiously enough, that seems to be the same age as some of their planes.
Pfizer Inc, which had planned to avoid U.S. tax rates by merging with Allergan Plc, of Ireland, has scrapped the deal after the Treasury instituted new anti-inversion rules. I blame Obama.
–
John Kasich can clinch the GOP nomination if he wins 125% of the remaining primary delegates. Well, math was always a liberal commie pinko concept anyway.
–
In San Francisco, ParkingCupid, parking version of Airbnb is offering parking places in garages and driveways for up to $400 a month. At that price are customers allowed to sleep in their cars?
Categories: airline jokes, baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, blue jays jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes, Padres jokes, primary jokes, scalia jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 19, 2016
#Spurs 119 #Lakers 113. Kobe Bryant 25 points, Tim Duncan double-double. Another great battle for the aged.
–
And here I thought the #Spurs looked rusty after the All Star Break. #Warriors
–
The Texas Rangers will host an event this weekend where fans who hit a home run at the ballpark can win season tickets. The Atlanta Braves reportedly will have a scout at the event to offer the winning fan a contract.
–
Former #Mets #Dodgers and #SFGiants infielder #JuanUribe has signed with the #Indians. Guess he got tired of all that playoff pressure.
–
Jonathan Papelbon has publicly apologized for choking Bryce Harper. Since Dusty Baker is the new Nationals manager, have to wonder if starting the season in long relief was a possible alternative.
–
Serious post for a change – R.I.P. former SF Giants player and manger Jim Davenport, 82, and former Oakland A’s infielder Tony Phillips, 56. 82 is sad, 56 is way way way too young.
–
Okay, a well-publicized story about a Detroit woman giving birth to her 14th child from 14 different fathers turns out to be fake. We should have known better, she wasn’t also the first woman to play in the NFL.
–
Harper Lee has passed away at the age of 89. Hope it wasn’t all those reviews of “Go Set a Watchman” that killed her.
–
Because of a flight delay, Chinese airline Hainan put two women, who didn’t know each other, up in a hotel near the airport. They ended up with an “erotic” room with whips, chains etc. Men are reading this and thinking “Just another way in which U.S. airlines lag foreign carriers.”
–
Apparently the U.S. no-fly list may have resulted in security problems and boarding delays for many Canadian children who have similar names to those on the list, even on flights within Canada. So assume their response is #BlameAmerica
–
The University of Texas has announced that they will soon allow students to carry handguns on campus. Well, since most students are under 21, fortunately there’s no chance any of them will be able to drink while they carry. #sarcasm
–
Robert Jeffress, pastor of the First Baptist Dallas church, says of Pope Francis’s comments about Christians not building walls: “The pope needs to ask for Donald Trump’s forgiveness for sing such an outlandish thing,” Once again, this is putting a whole new meaning on #Jesuswept
–
#youcantmakethisstuffup Donald Trump has tweeted out a call for a boycott of Apple until the company agrees to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s phone. He sent the tweet on his iPhone.
More of this “stuff” you can’t make up. Marco Rubio now says on “day one” of his presidency, he will stop protecting “Dreamers,” (undocumented immigrants who came to the U.S as children) from deportation. Great way to pay it forward for someone who was himself an anchor baby.
–
Sen. Ted Cruz, with the latest rationale for not holding Senate hearings for whoever Obama nominates to the Supreme Court. “I think that hearing would end up very politicized. And I don’t think it would be fair to the nominee.”
George Orwell would be SO proud.
Saw this trending on FB: “Jaimie Alexander and Peter Facinelli: Couple Ends Their Engagement, Representatives Say.” Anyone but me going “Who?”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, gun jokes, harper lee, Janice Hough, Spurs jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 9, 2016
“Star Wars: The Force Awakens” has now made Harrison Ford the highest-grossing actor in US box office history. Of course, the way this franchise is going, #2 might be the guy who plays Chewbacca.
–
Florida congressman Alan Grayson says he will sue over Canadian-born Ted Cruz’s eligibility to be President if Cruz wins the GOP presidential nomination. And somewhere in D.C.Barack Obama is just giggling.
–
Justin Bieber was kicked out of the archaeological site, Tulum, after he reportedly showed up with beer cans, tried to climb off-limits ruins, and took a selfie with his underpants down. Following upon the antics of Ethan Couch, Mexico’s going to start thinking seriously about that border fence. #affluenza
–
The “Affluenza” teen’s mom Tonya Couch has according to a Texas sheriff, “expressed a slight displeasure about her accommodations” in jail. “I feel so sorry for her,” said absolutely, positively, nobody.
–
Texas Governor Greg Abbott now wants to amend the U.S. Constitution so that states can ignore the Federal government. Fine, does that also mean the Feds are off the hook for those states’ disaster relief?
–
Prolia, a drug to fight osteoporosis in post-menopausal women, does television commercials with the usual laundry-list of fine print warnings. Including this one – “do not take Prolia if you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant.” #whythereisnosatire
–
The stock market just had its worst week ever to start a year. But the jobs report said the U.S. added 2.65 million jobs in 2015, its 2nd best year since 1999. So I think I’ve figured it out: The former is all Obama’s fault, the latter had nothing to do with him
–
A man who ate nothing but Chipotle for 186 days says he has cut back to occasional meals there now. Who knew, these days McDonald’s seems like the healthy option?
–
Chris Christie, who in 1995 campaigned for NJ State Senate as a supporter of an assault weapons ban. Now he says he’s “changed his mind.”
You know, I’d believe these folks a little more if they ever changed their minds in a way that didn’t put them more in line with their party’s base.
–
DeSean Jackson on the Eagles’ firing coach Chip Kelly: “I’m a firm believer that bad karma comes back on you.” And so will Ms. Karma make sure Kelly ends up with the 49ers next?
–
As of Jan 1, licensed gun owners in Texas can now openly carry guns into state mental hospitals. Your move, Florida. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong
–
#ElChapo has been caught again in Mexico. Too soon to start a pool on the date of his next jail break?
But really, so they are putting El Chapo back into the exact last jail he escaped from? Even in Florida they are saying “Are you nuts?”
–
Maine Governor Paul LePage, ranting about Maine’s drug problem and blaming traffickers: “These are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty … they come from Connecticut and NY, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home ..half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.”
Wow., that’s offensive enough you have to wonder if LePage has dreams of being Trump’s running mate.
Categories: football jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: affluenza jokes, Bieber jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Star Wars jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
November 19, 2015
The Golden State Warriors look so good right now, starting to think the only thing that could derail the team is a player dating a Kardashian.
–
Staples Center sounds like Petco Park when the #SFGiants visit. So who’s the home team? #Warriors #Clippers
–
Tony Romo says the Dallas Cowboys season “is not over.” But “you just have very little room for error.” Is Romo aiming to be an advisor to Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign?
–
In Texas, education officials rejected a proposal to have university experts fact-check textbooks approved for use in public-school classrooms. So apparently not only #cantfixstupid, in Texas you can’t educate students out of stupid either. #factshavealiberalbias
So this weekend in college football features great match-ups like Ohio State-Michigan State, Cal-Stanford and Baylor-Oklahoma State. And then Alabama-Charleston Southern and Florida-Florida Atlantic? #SECwimps
–
The 2-7 Tennessee Titans vs the 3-6 Jacksonville Jaguars on Thursday Night Football. And if you cared and don’t live in Nashville or Florida, you might be spending too much time on fantasy football.
–
So Tennessee-Jacksonville, and then in college football East Carolina vs 0-10 UCF. Wait a minute, I thought the Thanksgiving turkeys were NEXT Thursday.
–
Kylie Jenner said that if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West moved in with her “I would seriously stab myself’.”
Now, there’s an episode Americans would tune in to see.
–
A psychiatrist testifying for Jared Fogle said that the Subway diet led to his criminal behavior “Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality. There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
–
From T.C. “Justin Bieber is trying to put his past behind him by apologizing and acting more polished. To start, he will only bomb his neighbors houses with “cage free” eggs.”
–
Reuters is reporting some contract workers at seven U.S. airports, who want better wages and to unionize, may go on strike next week. These aren’t airline employees, but employees of a company airlines subcontract with to save money. One worker says he cleans and checks plane interiors for suspicious objects at New York Kennedy for $10.10 an hour. What could POSSIBLY go wrong here?
–
United Airlines is offering 50,000 Mileage Plus miles if you purchase a Mercedes-Benz. Uh, if you can afford the Mercedes, guessing you don’t need no stinkin’ miles.
–
Donald Trump is the first GOP candidate to say he would be open to having a “Muslim database” in the US. Now a database of gun owners, that would be un-American. #theonlythingwehavetofearisfearitself #feariswinning
–
Rudy Giuliani is now saying that “‘ISIS Is an Obama c reation.If we had not taken our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, ISIS never would have emerged.” Shocking. That’s the most words I can remember Giuliani stringing together without including 9-11.
–
ISIS has to be amused. All this effort they are expending in a war against their perceived enemies in Syria. It turns out all they needed to do was kill some Westerners and start dropping fake Syrian passports, and they could get many in the U.S. on their side.
Categories: airline jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ISIS jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
October 14, 2015
Every single team left in the 2015 MLB postseason wears the same color. So can we now title the playoffs “Bluer than Blue”
–
Well, in Texas it’s about time for sports fans to go back to complaining about their NFL teams.
–
Watching the Astros bullpen in games 4 and 5 reminds you of why the Giants’ Bruce Bochy wasn’t taking that ball from Madbum’s hand in 2014.
–
After today’s near riot at Rogers Centre in Toronto have to figure a lot of people aren’t asking any more why Canada has such strict gun laws. #Toronto #Bluejays #ALDS
–
ALDS game 5 may be rebroadcast as an episode of the Twi-light Zone.
–
In Toronto today for half an inning there was the thought that the run that would decide the deciding game of a best of 5 series would have scored on a deflected ball that the catcher was trying to throw back to the pitcher. When the batter MIGHT have interfered, and the umpire MIGHT have called time out. And the Blue Jays decided to play the game under protest which could have been a fascinating appeal process…… In the Commissioner’s office Rob Manfred must have just popped champagne after that Bautista home run.
–
Moscow and St Petersburg are considering a 1 day a week ban on alcohol sales as an effort to combat problems resulting from heavy drinking in Russia. Yeah, this works so well in places with blue laws like Texas.
–
Uh oh, Mike Huckabee’s off his meds again: “I trust Bernie Sanders like I trust a North Korean chef with my labrador.” Has anyone reminded Huckabee that Jesus was a socialist?
–
Stay classy USC, Apparently former coach Steve Sarkisian learned he had been fired when he read an e-mail and text messages from friends expressing sympathy.
–
University of Florida DB Deiondre Porter has been suspended indefinitely after being arrested on four felony counts. He allegedly held a gun to his pregnant girlfriend’s head and shot in her direction. This is perhaps not what Gators fans intended when they talked about missing the halcyon days of Urban Meyer.
–
There are things that make us proud to be human and living in the USA. This headline is not one of them: “Khloe Kardashian Reportedly Rushes to Lamar Odom’s Bedside With Family Members and a Camera Crew.”
–
Yoko Ono is talking again about John Lennon, saying that he had a “desire” to sleep with men, but told her t “I just never found somebody that was that attractive. Both John and I were into attractiveness, you know, beauty.” Yeah, Yoko said it, with a straight face.
–
The Washington Post is reporting that 43 people have been shot in the USA this year alone by toddlers age three and younger. Well, maybe if it weren’t easier to fire a gun than to remove a child-proof cap….
–
A Subway customer says he found a dead mouse in a sandwich at a restaurant on the Oregon coast. And this is still less embarrassing to the chain than Jared.
–
Donald Trump last night about the Dem debate “Sorry, there is no STAR on the stage tonight!” Well, since Bernie Sanders would like to increase his fundraising, just guessing Bernie would take Trump on in a one-on-one televised debate, any time. Now that Americans would definitely watch.
–
Donald Trump now wants taxpayer-funded Secret Service for his protection during the campaign. Uh, really, as incompetent as Trump claims to think the government is, wouldn’t you think he’d feel safer with his own private body guards?
–
From T.C. On Playboy’s getting rid of nude pictures “That’s it, I’m cancelling my Playboy subscription and am planning to renew with National Geographic. grrrrrrr”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #bluerthanblue, ALDS jokes, blue jays jokes, Janice Hough, russia jokes, Texas jokes, Toronto jokes, USA jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 12, 2015
Scoring 13 runs against the team that took out your starting shortstop really IS the best revenge.
–
Some of these MLB Postseason games are beginning to resemble those Little League games where teams all run out of pitching.
–
So since MLB would not hear his appeal today, Chase Utley could have played tonight. Which might have brought a whole new audience to NLDS game 3, including those who felt gypped on Mayweather-Pacquiao.
–
Ouch, a 6-2 lead with 2 innings to go in a series clinching game. The 2015 #Astros are getting sympathy messages from 2002 #SFGiants #ALDS
–
Donald Trump thinks Tuesday’s Democratic debate won’t be very well-rated because he isn’t in it, and “and people are gonna get bored and turn it off.”
Well, he is probably right. Because most Americans aren’t really ready to pay attention to the Presidential election. But we always love watching a good train wreck.
–
Gennifer Flowers is back, saying she has things in a safety deposit box to ensure her “safety, and that Bill’s infidelity “should come back up with the circumstances, with Hillary running. It should come back to the forefront again.”
Translation, someone might actually pay me money to talk again.
–
A day after USC ordered their coach to take a leave of absence,and AD Pat Haden says “it was very clear to me that he is not healthy,” the Trojans have fired Steve Sarkasian. That stampeding sound you hear is from a whole lot of rushing Los Angeles employment lawyers.
–
My friend Alex Kaseberg’s take on Sarkisian’s original leave of absence for “ an undisclosed condition. ” I can disclose the condition: losing.”
In all seriousness, if USC had started 5-0 does anyone doubt that Sarkisian would not only still have a job, he’d be able to have a flask attached to his headset?
–
Texas Gov. Greg Abbott sent out a tweet today “congratulations to the @astros for advancing to the ALCS. Looking for an all-Texas
#ALCS. Looking at you @Rangers.” And somewhere W. and Rick Perry are thinking “And we’re supposed to be the stupid ones?”
–
An Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing today when a credit card reader on board caught fire. So how many snack boxes and drinks were they selling to get it that overheated?
–
Minnesota dentist Walter Palmer Minnesota will apparently not be charged for the shooting of Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe. Know Palmer paid $50,000 for the original hunting permit, wonder how much he paid for the verdict.
–
These days it’s harder to figure out what channel the playoff games are on than to explain the infield fly rule. #MLBPostseason #ALDS #NLDS
–
Florida QB Will Grier has thrown for 10 TDs and 1,204 yards for the Gators. Today he was suspended for PED’s. Well, on the bright side, at least Grier may have proven he’s NFL ready.
–
.
In San Antonio, Texas, a husband fatally shot his wife last weekend in their house. He claims he mistook her in the middle of the night for an intruder. #ifonlyshewasarmed
–
Apparently Pepsi is launching a new cellphone. Presume the phone won’t lose power, it will just go flat?
Some Democrats are looking forward to the first debate because “Democrats will finally be in the headlines.” Right, just below the headline of whatever insane thing Trump or Carson or Fiorina says tomorrow.
–
South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier said he is retiring effectively immediately. Now before the season Spurrier said “We were 11-2 and ranked fourth in the country this time a year ago, and nobody said a damn word. Now a year later I’m suddenly too old..” Amazing how much a 2-4 start will make a man feel his age.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes, playoff jokes, sarkisian jokes, Texas jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 4, 2015
The Steelers have just signed Chris Boswell, their fourth placekicker of the season. These relationships are so short-lived that Taylor Swift may be writing songs about them
–
A downtown Orlando bar is giving away free beer during UCF (University of Central Florida) games until the Golden Knights actually win a football game. Of course there is a hidden cost… actually having to watch UCF football games.
–
Regarding that “free beer until a win” offer. Pretty sure that offer won’t be repeated on NFL Sundays in Chicago.
–
Four teams in college football’s top ten lost today, and the top two, Ohio State and Michigan State, barely on. The last time so many of the highly ranked fell like this, the GOP presidential debates were involved.
–
Some sentences can not possibly be topped with a punchline. “The chairman of Florida’s Libertarian Party has resigned in protest of the party’s candidate for U.S. Senate who he said dismembered a goat as part of a cult ritual.”
#Floridaforthewin
–
Taylor Swift gave a shout-out to the Blue Jays during her concert last night in Toronto. And no doubt Kanye West immediately posted that the Dodgers were better.
–
Okay, since the Oregon shooter apparently shot Christians in the head, some are already labeling the killings religious persecution. The same folks are conveniently forgetting the shooter also labeled himself a conservative Republican. #hewasacrazyasshole. Period.
UCLA’s kicker just hit a 53 yard field goal as time expired in the first half. He immediately got a call from the Pittsburgh Steelers.
–
Mean bitch Karma apparently doesn’t like taunting. After the Longhorns’ latest drubbing this morning, the Texas Rangers tweeted “Fire Charlie. #bye” (in reference to Texas coach Charlie Strong.)
And then the Rangers, who were about to clinch the division, blew a 4 run lead in the 9th to lose 11-10 to the Angels.
–
35 points scored in the 3rd quarter. 21 for the Cardinal, 14 for Wildcats. When did Stanford and Arizona start playing arena football?
–
Rough week for some fans in Texas. Bad news that SMU’s men’s basketball team has been put on probation. Worse news that the University of Texas’s football team wasn’t.
–
11-15 inches of rain this weekend in some East Coast states. And out in California they’re just sobbing.
–
On ESPN, Joey Galloway, a former Ohio State and NFL WR argued against a player sitting out the season to save his health for the draft, and compared it to telling someone not to drive a car because of the risk of an accident. But did say the danger with a car is “you’ve got women driving.”
Is it too late to check Galloway for concussions? #cantfixstupid
(and no, as a certified bus-to-hell substitute driver, it’s not the joke, or even being un-PC, it’s the being on a major network and cheerfully telling the un-PC joke in public.)
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Rangers jokes, Taylor Swift jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 27, 2015
A new study found that Washington, D.C. has the worst traffic in the entire U.S. Wonder if that counts the gridlock inside the Capitol building?
–
Facebook on Monday had one billion users in a single day. Wow. That’s means at least 500 million cat pictures.
–
In Texas, the Health and Human Services Commission announced they are going ahead with $100 million in cuts to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Three words: Pro-life my ass.
More on the Texas upcoming $100 million cut to a therapy program for poor and disabled children. Do they figure at least these kids will grow up in into adults with the right to be armed?
–
In the Little League World Series, California scored 3 runs in the top of the 1st, Texas had a grand slam in the bottom of the inning. And every current and former Little League parent just sighs, nods, and thinks “out of pitching.” #thosewerethedays
–
So I think I’ve figured it out; the way for the #SFGiants to beat the #ChicagoCubs was to put half their team on the disabled list.
–
Okay, how adorable is SF Giants rookie Kelby Tomlinson? The kid looks like he could play a teenage Clark Kent. Got his 1st MLB home run and it was a grand slam: “It was pretty crazy. Everybody got up and started clapping for me. I’d never experienced anything like that. It’s pretty special.”
–
Madison Bumgarner, 6 innings, 1 ER, 12Ks. Oh yeah, and one infield hit. Guess which he’s going to want to talk about? #SFGiants
–
United Airlines sent out an email to its Mileage Plus members. 50,000 bonus miles when you purchase or lease a new Mercedes S-class sedan. Uh, thinking if you can afford a Mercedes, you can probably afford not to care about frequent flier miles.
–
Steelers WR Martavis Bryant has been suspended 4 games by the NFL for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. And Pittsburgh fans are thinking “Well, at least he didn’t rape anyone or kill any dogs.
–
Going back to August 14, the Cincinnati Reds have won exactly ONE game, and that an August 24 make-up game from a rain out against Detroit. 1-12. If they’re going to give up on the season maybe they should offer ticket holders their money back?
–
From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying the Phillies are bad, but when they took the field in the top of the first the other day, Manager Pete Mackanin immediately called for a challenge.”
–
An appeal hearing for Marshawn Lynch over his $75,000 fine for not talking to the media in 2014 has apparently been canceled, What, did Lynch figure out the hearing would actually require talking?
–
Two women on a JetBlue flight from Jamaica to JFK were arrested after they got into a brawl upon landing involving a razor and pepper spray. So these gals got both a razor and pepper spray on the plane. But I’ll bet security confiscated plenty of bottled water.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cincinnati Red jokes, Congress jokes, facebook jokes, GOP jokes, gun control, gun jokes, Janice Hough, SFGiants jokes, Texas jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 20, 2015
Three of the top 20 cities in the world with the most Ashley Madison accounts are in Texas, (Houston, San Antonio and Dallas.) Well, this could get interesting. As most of their spouses are likely to be armed.
–
Investigators are recommending filing manslaughter charges against Caitlyn Jenner for that fatal car crash in February. Her defense no doubt – “I’m a changed person now.”
–
The Pentagon is looking for sites in U.S. to place Gitmo detainees. I guess Florida would be cruel and unusual punishment?
–
Jimmy Carter announced he will undergo radiation treatment after cancer spots were found on his brain, but he is optimistic will extend his life. Carter didn’t have the option some other politicians do, which is to tell doctors to remove their brain because they aren’t using it.
–
Apparently tens of thousands of Ashley Madison accounts are .gov addresses. Who knew so many government workers were capable of multitasking?
–
Josh Duggar: “I have been the biggest hypocrite ever. While espousing faith and family values, I have secretly over the last several years been viewing pornography on the internet and this became a secret addiction and I became unfaithful to my wife.”
A hypocrite yes. Biggest ever? Once again Josh is guilty of extreme narcissism. #hesgotsomecompetitioninWashington
=
Josh Duggar posted an open apology online and then edited it to take out mention of a porn addiction and his apology for molesting girls as a teenager. Guess Josh REALLY hasn’t learned yet, what’s on the internet stays FOREVER on the internet.
–
A federal appeals court ruled that former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell must report to prison while he asks the U.S. Supreme Court to reverse his convictions. And McDonnell is thinking “Damn, I should have run for office in Louisiana.”
–
As Jared Fogle awaits sentencing for his child porn plea bargain he been banned from computers with internet, must stay away from children, and is not allowed to own a gun. Waiting for the NRA to protest over that last one.
–
Aaron Hernandez has been involved in another prison fight. Forget whether the former Patriots star will ever get out of jail or not, the bus to hell question of the night is, “so would he be a good pick for a 2016 death lotto?”
–
New Red Sox GM “Dave Dombrowski – “I’m not here to blow up the operation.” And Boston fans are thinking “Hasn’t the current team accomplished that already?”
–
RGIII looked overwhelmed today and ended up with a concussion. But sports and politics often have a lot in common – as in do we really expect any better from any much touted young man who goes to Washington?.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Ashley madison jokes, Dodgers jokes, Duggar jokes, Duggars jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Texas jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 2, 2015
San Francisco has put a substance on some walls that not only is urine-resistant, it shoots the liquid right back where it came from. Shame there isn’t some equivalent substance that would work on arrows with lions.
–
Mixed stories today, though possible good news in the end? Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. But Jericho the lion may still be alive.
–
Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has been indicted on multiple felony charges, following upon Gov. Rick Perry’s own indictment in 2014. If this keeps up, Illinois and Louisiana are going to be jealous.
Do I get points for gender equality if I am equally indifferent to MMA even if a woman like Ronda Rousey is involved?
–
Boston Red Sox president and Larry Lucchino, whose contract was going to expire at the end of the year, is leaving the team. And season ticket holders are thinking “no fair, how come he gets to leave and we don’t?”
–
Great that the Royals and Astros have been playing well enough to be buyers at the trade deadline. And not like most Americans knew any names on the teams anyway.
–
Business Insider is reporting that Donald Trump has fired a senior adviser who published “many racist and otherwise offensive Facebook posts” So did the Donald fire the guy because he thought the posts were wrong, or because Trump didn’t like the competition.
–
SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy used Angel Pagan as the DH and wouldn’t let Madison Bumgarner hit Friday night in Texas. Maybe that’s why Madbum had an off-night?
Meanwhile, on Saturday night, Giants pulled out a 9-7 win and made perhaps a few teams happy they didn’t give away the store to trade for Cole Hamels.
–
In Ontario, Canada Saturday there was a “Bare With Us” rally about women’s right to go topless. And in the U.S. millions of men who might not be in favor of universal healthcare or gun control are thinking, maybe those Canadians are onto something.
–
So, okay, I get the need for some hunting to “cull the herds” and I get eating what you kill, even I want no part of it personally.
But when these folks brag about their great kills – uh, let’s see, you have a gun, the animals have nothing. Not exactly a fair fight. #compensation?
–
From Marc Ragovin “I beg your pardon. Did you just say Lynn Anderson died? (just another reason why I am going straight to hell)”
Well, you got to figure her funeral will be enough roses for a serious garden.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, jericho, lion jokes, Red Sox jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 17, 2015
Covering something serious first this time. Was just in Memphis at the Lorraine Motel Civil Rights Museum, where one of their exhibition on the 1963 Birmingham Church bombing. A horrible moment in U.S. history, and one you’d LIKE to think we’d moved beyond. But apparently not.
Tomorrow morning in South Carolina the flags will be at half-staff. At the State House, that means the U.S. flag AND the Confederate flag. Too much to hope I suppose that they never raise that Confederate one again….
–
Apparently Charleston police briefly handcuffed a young white man who fit the description of the shooter, but quickly released him, unharmed, when they realized he was not the right person. Wonder what would have happened if a young black man had been suspected of shooting nine white people?
–
But since if we don’t laugh the terrorists win, including the domestic terrorists. So, though my heart goes out to the friends and families of the victims, below are jokes written earlier in the evening.
–
The University of Texas has just approved the sale of beer to the general public at Darrell K Royal – Texas Memorial Stadium, capacity over 100,000 for the 2015 football season, And the state has just legalized firearms on college campuses. #WhatcouldPOSSIBLYgowrong?
–
It pains me to say anything nice about a Dodger. But I do love this tweet from Brandon McCarthy. “in keeping with baseball tradition, a Houston exec should walk into the STL offices and hit their best front office guy with a fastball.” #hackgate
–
The FCC is going to fine AT&T $100 million for “severely” slowing down data speeds for customers who bought so-called “unlimited” mobile data plans. $100 million?!! So assume AT&T will raise rates to a total tune about $150 million to cover their costs.
–
Lebron James after the Finals – “We ran out of talent.” And current Lakers fans are going “what is talent?”
–
As great a run as San Francisco Bay area teams have had, neither the SF Giants nor the Warriors have clinched a championship in front of a home crowd. And now with the 2016 Super Bowl at Levi’s Stadium, pretty sure that tradition will continue.
–
Johnny Manziel said hs trademark money sign “will not be back. I will not be making it out there.” Which we can all hope is a sign of maturity. Or a realization he won’t be having much on the field to celebrate.
–
Jim Harbaugh has decided to hold 11 satellite football camps in 7 different states for high school players. which he says is about “sharing a love for football.” Adding, “in my America you’re allowed to cross borders.” Some other coaches, especially in the ACC and SEC, say it’s recruiting and are are apoplectic – Nick Saban says it’s a “competitive disadvantage.”
Not sure about that, but any coach who can upset Nick Saban and the SEC is likely to pick up a lot of fans all across the USA.
–
Really, KNBR, Really?! The SF Giants’ and GS Warriors’ flagship radio station is running a Father’s Day contest for listeners to share their favorite sports memories with dad. That’s cool. But what about a Mother’s Day contest for sharing your favorite sports memory with MOM!?
So with #SFGiants in Seattle they need a #DH. Can’t #Madbum hit and let #McGehee be the DH?
–
Apparently Rep. Darrell Issa was kicked out of a closed hearing on Benghazi that he hadn’t been invited to in Washington, D.C. What’s most surprising? The chairman who escorted him out was a fellow Republican. #toocrazyevenforawitchhunt?
My friend Tom forwards this “wish I’d thought of that” line from his friend Cliff Miller. “Suggested Trump campaign slogan: We shall overcomb!”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: A T&T jokes, Dodger jokes, fathers day jokes, Harbaugh, Janice Hough, Johnny Manziel jokes, Lebron jokes, Texas jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 13, 2015
” Jurassic World’ apparently had the third-largest movie opening day of all time. When movie-goers were asked afterwards what they thought of the plot, almost all of them responded – “Plot?”
The College World Series started today. What a shame that the Philadelphia Phillies just missed qualifying.
–
Bristol Palin has posted a harsh criticism of Miley Cyrus’s post about intolerance. Thereby assuring that millions of people might actually READ Cyrus’s post about intolerance.
(my friend Alex wonders who read the post to Bristol.)
–
Country singer Randy Howard, 65, was killed this weekend in a gunfight with bounty hunter. What a shame, had Howard lived the incident would have been great material for a country song.
–
At Boise Airport, passengers on an Allegiant Air flight smelled fuel and saw vapor that they thought was smoke so they popped the emergency doors and evacuated. (It was a small fuel leak and the plane was in no danger.) But doesn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy that passengers have the ability to open emergency doors?
–
Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe “may” have “accidentally” posted a Snapchat of herself and a man in bed, therefore revealing the winner of the show about six weeks ahead of schedule. Give the woman credit, with her name, talent for publicity and headlines, Kaitlyn could be an honorary Kardashian.
–
Pablo Sandoval left today’s Red Sox loss to the Blue Jays with tightness in his quad. His status is listed as “day-to-day-and-keep-that-man-out-of-the-North-End.”
–
Still seems a bit odd when you hear about #NBA team going to a small lineup and they’re still all over about 6’6″. #NBAFinals #Warriors #Cavs
–
In Texas, some residents are upset because a History network series “Texas Rising” isn’t completely historically accurate. Wonder how many of these people also want schools to teach creationism.
–
The U.S. Justice Department is investigating possible bribes and corruption in Nike’s 1996 deal to sponsor soccer in Brazil. Right. Not like Nike would ever dare do anything wrong at home in the good old U S of A.
–
Monica Lewis, the voice of Chiquita Banana, has died at 93. And if you don’t have that stupid jingle running through your head now you’re not a baby boomer….
–
Taco Bell will be opening a new location in SF that will serve beer and wine. Makes some sense, enough beer and/or wine, and customers won’t notice the food.
–
From Bill Littlejohn, after a skunk’s nest being found in the Cardinals dugout at Dodger Stadium: “Did St. Louis manager Mike Matheny say he needed a spray hitter?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Jurassic world jokes, Kardashian jokes, NBA finals jokes, taco bell jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 12, 2015
A new “soda” law in San Francisco will require this warning label “WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity. diabetes and tooth decay.” And apparently Starbucks’ Frappucino’s are sugary enough for the label. So what’s next? Requiring the warnings on the sugar packets you put into your coffee?
–
In Texas, the two little girls whose lemonade stand was shut down for not having a permit are reopening after discovering a loophole: They can give the lemonade away free and just ask for donations. I think we may have found two future leaders of the state.
–
Actual sign out front of an Arkansas liquor store. “School’s out. Welcome parents!”
–
University of Missouri fraternities are planning to ban hard liquor starting in the fall. So is this policy change sponsored by Anheuser Busch?
–
Apparently ABC cameras caught LeBron James accidentally exposing himself while he adjusted his shorts just before Game 4 of the NBA Finals. Hmm, so it’s not enough to be a basketball star, James is angling to be part of a future Super Bowl halftime show?
–
96 years ago on Friday Congress passed the 19th amendment giving women the right to vote. Wonder given some of the rhetoric from conservative men in the U.S. If you could get that amendment ratified today?
The Indianapolis Colts have been taking some heat for the new “2014 AFC Finalist” banner they just hung at Lucas Oil Stadium. Even though the team lost 45-7 to the Patriots. Waiting for someone from the Colts to respond “Our pride is undeflated.”
–
An Ohio man is planning to challenge the St. Louis Zoo’s no weapons policy by carrying a gun into the zoo Saturday. Can someone please hide a few of those “trespassers will be eaten” signs?
–
The President of an NAACP chapter in Spokane has been outed by her parents as Caucasian. So will this start a debate about people’s right to be “trans-race?”
–
I wish this were the Onion. It’s now come out that Marco Rubio was one of five current members of Congress who voted for a 2001 Florida bill, signed by Jeb Bush, that required any single mother trying to put their babies up for adoption to post details about their recent sex partners. (The idea being to support the rights of potential biological fathers.) #Prolifemyass
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lebron jokes, nanny law jokes, sugar jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
June 11, 2015
Two Texas girls, 7 and 8, trying to raise money for Father’s Day, had their lemonade stand shut down by police for lack of a permit. Well, of course, it’s Texas. The girls should have been doing something safer like borrowing their parents’ guns to set up a shooting range.
So after game 1 of the NBA finals the “experts” said the Cavs had no chance, then after games 2 and 3, that the Warriors were in big trouble. And now they’re planning the Golden State parade again. Which means Cleveland is likely to win game 5?
–
Stay classy, GOP. Senator Mark Kirk from Illinois, during a Senate Appropriations Committee hearing: “I’ve been joking with Lindsey (Graham). Did you see that? He’s going to have a rotating first lady. He’s a bro with no ho.”
(and just for a minute, can we imagine the reaction on Fox News if a Democratic senatory said that?)
–
After five players were suspended last year for academic reasons, and QB Everett Golson transferred, Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly said today that all his players are “at-risk” academically. “Honestly, I don’t know that any of our players would get into the school by themselves right now with the academic standards the way they are. Maybe one or two of our players that are on scholarship.”
And down in the SEC and ACC they’re going “What academic standards?”
–
Florida Gov. Rick Scott signed a new law requiring women to wait at least 24 hours to have an abortion. Of course if they really wanted to reduce unwanted pregnancies and possible abortions the state would impose the same waiting period for men wanting to have sex.
–
Beech Grove, Indiana mayor Dennis Buckley, talking about trouble and recent arrests. “This isn’t anything new. We have been concerned about this for at least two years, and there have been just some quiet talks with (them) concerning the number of police runs down there and the fact that they’re draining our resources every single day. It’s my opinion as mayor that this has to stop.”
Is he talking about some bar, restaurant or strip club? Nope, Buckley’s talking about the local Wal-Mart.
–
Pizza Hut, in an effort to increase sagging market share, has introduced a pizza with mini hot dogs in the crust. The only problem with promotions like this, if they work, they decrease the number of years customers will be around to buy Pizza Hut products.
Whole Foods is opening new chain of lower-priced stores that will be called “365 by Whole Foods Market.” (365 is a house label for Whole Foods products.) But if they really want to attract shoppers who both know their brand and want to save money, why doesn’t the chain call the new markets “Half Paycheck.”?
From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg “As great as Triple Crown winner, American Pharoah, was at the Belmont Stakes, he would have lost in 1973 to Secretariat by 15 lengths. To put 15 lengths in perspective, that is over ten Kim Kardashian asses.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: GOP jokes, NBA finals jokes, NCAA jokes, Texas jokes, Walmart jokes, Whole Foods jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
June 7, 2015
Apparently many politicians in Morocco are upset after Jennifer Lopez’s televised concert from Rabat, because of her skimpy clothing and “suggestive poses” on stage. And an education group is suing the singer for “‘disturbing public order and tarnishing women’s honor and respect.” Uh, did anyone in the country ever watch J Lo before they invited her to perform?
–
New 49ers’ DT Darnell Dockett, indicating he is not worried about all the SF retirements and coaching changes, tweeted “Don’t ask me about who’s retired and what’s going on with football this and that…. We will still WIN! Just watch! #savage #adversity” The 49ers will still win!? Yeah, probably at least one or two games.
–
Some think we now need netting all the way around the baseball diamonds to prevent incidents like that woman being badly hurt by a broken bat at Fenway Park. But fans are injured in traffic and pedestrian accidents going to and from games all the time. And while we’re at it, what about the health risks from some of those insane ballpark foods?
–
Two convicted killers escaped from a maximum security prison in upstate New York that hadn’t been breached in 150 years. So what will come first, their capture, or the made-for-TV movie?
Lindsey Graham just said “If Caitlyn Jenner wants to be a Republican, she is welcome in my party.” Some statements really don’t need a punchline.
–
#HopeSolo is not exactly giving women athletes the kind of equality with male athletes they had hoped to achieve….
–
SF Giants have finally been tabbed for June 21 for their first nationally televised Sunday Night Baseball game of the year on ESPN. Well, based on last year’s performance, not like the network figured fans across the U.S. would have any interest in seeing the team… #whatEastCoastbias?
–
Texas just legalized carrying firearms on public university campus. As if drunken frat parties weren’t exciting enough already.
–
You sort of wonder, watching Lebron James playing the Warriors pretty even so far all by himself, how did the San Antonio Spurs ever beat the Heat last year?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #CaitlynJenner jokes, baseball jokes, Hope solo jokes, Janice Hough, Jennifer Lopez jokes, NBA jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 5, 2015
Anthony Davis, 25, retired today, the fourth SF 49er to quit football this offseason. And 49ers season ticket holders are thinking – you can do that?
–
One of the Republicans supporting President Obama’s efforts to normalize relations with Cuba is South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford, who has filed a bill to remove all travel restrictions to the island for Americans. Hmm…. because maybe Sanford thinks some day he might to need to hike there?
Brittney Griner filed for an annulment after only being married for 28 days to fellow WNBA star Glory Johnson. As if anyone had any doubt that gay celebrity marriages weren’t really that different from straight ones.
–
God Bless Texas. As Hillary Clinton pointed out, a student ID is not sufficient proof of identity to vote…. but a gun permit qualifies.
–
Meanwhile, U.S. officials are saying that Chinese hackers have hacked into the computer networks of the U.S. government personnel office and may have personal information on over 4 million people. Maybe Hillary Clinton’s use of private email server was a lot smarter than we gave her credit for.
–
Rick Perry in his Presidential race announcement “We must do right, and risk the consequences.” Anyone but me hear “do right” in connection with Rick Perry and think of “Dudley?”
–
And we thought he had crazy talk about Cuba: Here’s Marco Rubio on Fox News, talking about Iraq, and insisting he doesn’t advocate “nation-building.” “It’s not nation-building. We are assisting them in building their nation.”
–
Yahoo says it is shutting down Yahoo maps. Shocking. Yahoo still had maps?
This might be my favorite story of the week. With all the millions we are spending on trying to track ISIS, the US was able to destroy one of their buildings after Florida airmen noticed one of the terrorists had posted a selfie from a recognizable location. Even those 72 virgins will be telling this guy he’s an idiot.
–
Hunter Pence was out for tonight’s SF Giants game with tendinitis in his wrist. Let’s hope he didn’t hurt it trying to figure out how to put on a suit for the White House. #IblameObama
–
But really, anyone but me kind of hope the Secret Service doesn’t notice this picture of Hunter Pence before the #SFGiants play in Washington, D.C. on July 4th weekend? #stillcrazyafteralltheseyears
With all the hype over Caitlyn Jenner, who looks like a beautiful movie star, have to wonder, what would be the reaction if the star she looked like was say, the late Phyllis Diller?
–
Jessa Duggar, now married, defended her brother’s alleged sexual abuse as “mild, inappropriate touching.” Uh, if you were allowed only side-hugs and no kisses until marriage, how the heck would you know what “mild. inappropriate touching” was?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Duggar jokes, Duggars jokes, gay marriage jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Presidential primary jokes, SF Giants jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 