Posted tagged ‘ISIS jokes’

Nous sommes avec brussels

March 22, 2016

 

But if we stop we stop laughing the terrorists win. ‪#‎Brussels‬

And note to terrorists – Pis off.

pis

(mannekin pis,  the unofficial symbol of Brussels.)

Already some GOP criticism that Obama did not leave Cuba and fly home after the Brussels bombings. Of course, if he had, no doubt the same folks would have accused the President of looking weak and cowed in response to terrorism.

So let’s see, will Trump or Cruz be the first to call for internment camps?

For all those who are remembering “24” and thinking what we need is Jack  Bauer, or just more torture to prevent attacks, there’s one little detail – torture often doesn’t work. And then we put American lives more at risk. Just saying. And no, it isn’t easy. It is never easy. ‪#‎Brussels‬

The Browns’ owners Jimmy and Dee Haslam said today they don’t feel they enabled Johnny Manziel while he was in Cleveland. And they said it with a straight face.

 

Jerry Jones says he wants to help Johnny Manziel get his life together off the field before the Cowboys would consider signing him. Translation, we think Romo is healthy and we’re not in panic mode, yet.

Usain Bolt says he is retiring after the Rio Olympics, and some talk of trying to turn him into a NFL wide receiver But hey, Olympics are over in August. Why not a pinch-runner to be used during MLB’s September call-ups?

Police in Los Angeles are looking for a JetBlue flight attendant who fled after being chosen for random security screening, leaving behind 70 lbs of cocaine in her carry-on luggage. Shocking, who can LIFT 70 lbs in their carry-on luggage.

In Alabama, state legislators are considering a bill requiring all teachers to take training on how not to have sex with their students. This is a state that also has “abstinence-only” education. Maybe put the teachers in the same classes? ‪#‎youcannotmakethisstuffup‬

Rudy Giuliani apparently is about to endorse Donald Trump. No date given, but presumably his press conference will be at 9:11 some morning.

 

CNN “Since declaring its caliphate in June 2014, the self-proclaimed Islamic State has conducted or inspired nearly 75 terrorist attacks in 20 countries outside Iraq and Syria which have killed at least 1,280 people and injured more than 1,770 others.”
Scary. But now for the stats just from the U.S: Through March 22, in 2016, gun violence has killed 2,803 people and injured 5.617 others.

In 2017, Sarah Palin is apparently going to star in a new “Judge Judy-style” courtroom reality show. Dear gawd. Is this the first step in Palin’s dream of being appointed by President Trump to the Supreme Court?

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Democratic caucus results in Idaho were delayed tonight. Wouldn’t it be have been easier to ask both Democrats in Idaho how they voted?

R.I.P. Rob Ford. Only 46. He was often a punchline as mayor of Toronto. But he loved his city, he loved his constituents, and while he was deeply flawed, he wasn’t mean.

No stopping us now?

November 19, 2015

The Golden State Warriors look so good right now, starting to think the only thing that could derail the team is a player dating a Kardashian.

Staples Center sounds like Petco Park when the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ visit. So who’s the home team? ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎Clippers‬

Tony Romo says the Dallas Cowboys season “is not over.” But “you just have very little room for error.” Is Romo aiming to be an advisor to Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign?

In Texas, education officials rejected a proposal to have university experts fact-check textbooks approved for use in public-school classrooms. So apparently not only ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, in Texas you can’t educate students out of stupid either. ‪#‎factshavealiberalbias‬

 

So this weekend in college football features great match-ups like Ohio State-Michigan State, Cal-Stanford and Baylor-Oklahoma State. And then Alabama-Charleston Southern and Florida-Florida Atlantic? ‪#‎SECwimps‬

The 2-7 Tennessee Titans vs the 3-6 Jacksonville Jaguars on Thursday Night Football. And if you cared and don’t live in Nashville or Florida, you might be spending too much time on fantasy football.

So Tennessee-Jacksonville, and then in college football East Carolina vs 0-10 UCF. Wait a minute, I thought the Thanksgiving turkeys were NEXT Thursday.

Kylie Jenner said that if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West moved in with her “I would seriously stab myself’.”
Now, there’s an episode Americans would tune in to see.

A psychiatrist testifying for Jared Fogle said that the Subway diet led to his criminal behavior “Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality. There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

From T.C.    “Justin Bieber is trying to put his past behind him by apologizing and acting more polished. To start, he will only bomb his neighbors houses with “cage free” eggs.”

Reuters is reporting some contract workers at seven U.S. airports, who want better wages and to unionize, may go on strike next week. These aren’t airline employees, but employees of a company airlines subcontract with to save money. One worker says he cleans and checks plane interiors for suspicious objects at New York Kennedy for $10.10 an hour. What could POSSIBLY go wrong here?

United Airlines is offering 50,000 Mileage Plus miles if you purchase a Mercedes-Benz. Uh, if you can afford the Mercedes, guessing you don’t need no stinkin’ miles.

Donald Trump is the first GOP candidate to say he would be open to having a “Muslim database” in the US. Now a database of gun owners, that would be un-American. ‪#‎theonlythingwehavetofearisfearitself‬ ‪#‎feariswinning‬

Rudy Giuliani is now saying that “‘ISIS Is an Obama c reation.If we had not taken our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, ISIS never would have emerged.” Shocking. That’s the most words I can remember Giuliani stringing together without including 9-11.

ISIS has to be amused. All this effort they are expending in a war against their perceived enemies in Syria. It turns out all they needed to do was kill some Westerners and start dropping fake Syrian passports, and they could get many in the U.S. on their side.

 

 

 

Tweets and twits?

March 3, 2015

You can’t make this “stuff” up. Now ISIS has threatened Twitter and its employees for shutting down their accounts. So let me get this straight, the infidels ISIS so despises have created something they are outraged at the thought of living without….

 

Detroit has decided not to use the franchise tag on Ndamukong Suh. So much for those potential headlines “Lions put their foot down on Suh.”

Apparently PGA pro Dan Olsen (who?) said last week in a radio interview that Tiger Woods is not on tour because he is serving a month-long suspension for a failed drug test. Woods’ agent and the PGA tour itself strongly denied the claim. Well, yeah, duh. If Tiger were taking PED’s he’d have been playing better.

 

Jameis Winston has filed to trademark “Famous Jameis.” Let’s hope whichever team drafts the young quarterback doesn’t end up wanting to toss their cookies.

 

It’s a start that WalMart is going to start paying a $9 an hour minimum wage. Means that their employees will only have to work about a day and a half to afford ONE entry fee to Disneyland.

William Shatner doubled down on missing Leonard Nimoy’s funeral today “My understanding is mourn the dead but celebrate life. I chose to celebrate life by going to the Red Cross gathering in Palm Beach, raised a lot of money for the Red Cross.”

Okay, except flying East Coast to West coast you gain time, and just GUESSING the man, or Priceline, could have afforded a private jet. ‪#‎Livelongandbs‬

 

The Houston Chronicle reports that after 3-yr-old and 4-yr old boys accidentally fatally shot themselves this weekend, a 6-yr-old is in critical condition after being shot today by his 5-yr-old brother. And local sheriffs are now distributing free gun locks. Uh, shouldn’t guns COME with gun locks?

The Arizona Legislature is trying to get the U.S. Supreme Court to declare their state’s independent commission for drawing congressional boundaries unconstitutional. Their lawyer claims the “ultimate check on partisan gerrymandering is the ability to throw the bums out.” Uh, no, that’s exactly the ability partisan gerrymandering takes away.

 

What a long strange trip it’s been. The cheapest seat on Stubhub for the Grateful Dead’s reunion concert in July is over $1300. And the top price is over $100,000. Of course, to be fair, most Deadheads who regularly saw the band in its heyday probably can’t remember any of the concerts.

Bill Littlejohn on Marshawn Lynch’s latest:  “Marshawn Lynch gave an interview to Turkish TV and said he expected the ball on the last Super Bowl play.He also said, ‘I’m just here so I won’t have to take the Midnight Express’