Archive for the ‘travel jokes’ category

Keep calm and f*ck terrorism

March 22, 2017

lego

 

 

My favorite city in the world. And yes I would go back tomorrow. If we stop traveling the bad guys win.

This mural, btw,  is made completely out of Lego, in the London store – Leicester Square.

Wow. A reasonable and measured response. Maybe the rumors that Tillerson won’t last long as Secretary of State in this administration are true. “We condemn these horrific acts of violence, and whether they were carried out by troubled individuals or by terrorists, the victims know no difference,”

It’s always awful when innocent people are hurt. But Britain has very tight gun laws, at least London assailant wasn’t armed.

 

Four murdered, including a police officer, until the suspect himself was shot by police. Not just London, but today in Wisconsin. The suspect is an American man with a gun. Move along, nothing to see here.

CNN reports FBI has information indicating Trump campaign associates communicated “with suspected Russian operatives to possibly coordinate the release of information damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign.”
#Fakenews tweet from Donald in 3.2.1….

Ghanaian Soccer player Mohammed Anas, who made headlines when he thanked his wife AND girlfriend during an interview now says “My family knows that I call my daughter my girlfriend. That’s what I was talking about. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
Is Anas trying for a post in the Trump administration?

Trumpcare will not have a requirement to cover mental health. While Congress also reduces gun regulations. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Puerto Rico has seen enough of Brandon Crawford.  Late in tonight’s game what they really wanted to see is the 2016 SF Giants’ bullpen. #WBC

Just guessing  Ian Kinsler, who hit a home run after bashing Puerto Rico’s style of play, might want to plan his next Caribbean vacation somewhere other than San Juan?

Almost didn’t recognize Dodger Stadium for #WBC championship tonight. Stands were basically full in first inning. @espn

#BeckyHammon is apparently a finalist for the head coaching job at Florida. Alas it’s the women’s team. She can coach men. @Spurs

Roger Goodell says that the NFL will address when a commercial is followed by a kickoff and then followed by another commercial. “I hate that, too. Our goal is to eliminate it.”
By just running longer commercials after kickoffs?

 

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Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

 

#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”

Allons enfants de la patrie

July 15, 2016

Got busy and was late to post a ‪#‎BastilleDay‬ message. And then it was no longer a “Happy Bastille Day.” On the other hand, if terrorists take the joy from celebratory holidays then the bad guys have truly won. So, here’s an early wish – “Happy 2017 Bastille Day.”

 

It’s getting really tiring to say, if we stop laughing, the bad guys win. But here, on Bastille Day,  “Quand tu regarderas le ciel, la nuit, puisque j’habiterai dans l’une d’elles, puisque je rirai dans l’une d’elles, alors ce sera pour toi comme si riaient toutes les etoiles. Tu auras, toi, des etoiles qui savent rire.”  From Le Petit Prince, for Nice.

En Anglaise,  “The Little Prince,”  “In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night.”

Too many laughing stars tonight.

 

Forget wars & bombings, if we really want to stop ISIL introduce them to ‪#‎PokemonGo‬ They’ll be too distracted to plan any real damage.

 

Of course sports is insignificant compared to the killings in Nice. But it sure would be nice to have the distraction Thursday night  of a baseball game.

Some mixed stories about the robot at Stanford Shopping Center that allegedly ran over the foot of a small child. Including that the child may have gotten a bit away from his parents and approached the robot on his own.
Now, it’s too soon to know the exact details, and presumably there is surveillance video, but robots, dogs, fountains…. shouldn’t parents at the mall also be responsible enough to keep a close eye on their young children?

 

Tim Tebow posted tonight saying his appearance at the GOP National Convention is “just a rumor.” Maybe because WWJD means even Jesus would say “Are you nuts?”

List of speakers is out for the GOP convention. Even Dancing with the Stars ‪#‎DWTS‬ is thinking “Couldn’t they get any real celebrities?”

Bill O’Reilly “I stand by Roger Ailes 100 percent,” saying he’s the “best boss” he’s ever had. Uh, yeah, well while I have never been an Ailes fan, pretty sure Roger never hit on O’Reilly.

The Log Cabin Republicans have complained that the GOP passed most anti-LGBT platform in history. Well, they should be just thrilled about Trump’s pick of Indiana Gov. Mike Pence, who originally signed into law one of the more anti-LGBT bills in recent history.

Upscale cruise line Seabourn is collaborating with Molton Brown tor “Signature Scents” to remind “guests of the experience of their Seabourn cruise long after they’ve returned home – “Immersive Samphire & Eucalyptus, and “Inspiring Basil & Vetiver.”

Now that’s Seabourn. I shudder to think if Carnival Cruise Lines follows suit

 

 

Mick Jagger, 72, is reportedly expecting his eighth child, with current Melanie Hamrick, 29. Of course this time, late night feedings will be no problem. Jack Flash will be jumping up to pee.

Midsummer almost-classic?

July 12, 2016

Tonight was David Ortiz’s last All-Star game as Big Papi is retiring. The Red Sox slugger could become even more beloved if he takes Joe Buck with him.

 

NL loses ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ again, along with home field advantage for ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, after stranding 10. Clearly ‪#‎Madbum‬ should have pinch hit.

Just thinking ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ may be regretting how well he bonded with his ‪#‎KCRoyals‬ teammates last year. ‪#‎AllStarGame‬

Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez said  tonight he’d groove fastballs to David Ortiz in All-Star Game because “I want to see him hit a home run.”
Well, not like the game means anything… other than home field advantage in the World Series. ‪#‎SMH‬

Tim Duncan skipped his own retirement news conference today. But no doubt Kobe Bryant will soon call a press conference to discuss how it felt for him to play with Duncan.

So now the Holocaust Museum in Washington D.C. has had to ask PokemonGO players to stop playing the game – in their museum. Maybe some of these idiots should be playing it instead in traffic.

 

Another Tesla autopilot crash this weekend, this time nonfatal. The driver apparently reported that he did not have his hands on the wheel, and he did not hear warnings. But the car’s warnings are in English and he speaks Mandarin.
Beginning to think these cars should come with copies of the latest Darwin awards.

The Black Panther Party says they are going to protest at the GOP convention, and “if it is an open state to carry we will exercise our Second Amendment rights because there are other groups threatening to be there that are threatening to do harm to us.”
Can’t wait for the NRA’s defense of gun rights on this one.

#‎BernieSanders‬ today “I have come here today not to talk about the past…” Who wrote his speech, Mark McGwire?

A man identified only as “John Doe 150” said when he was 14 he told Joe Paterno about abuse by Jerry Sandusky and that the Penn State coach responded “‘I don’t want to hear about any of that kind of stuff, I have a football season to worry about?'”
Would be less awful if that hasn’t been the response of big-time college football and the NFL to most off-field issues..

Fox News has suspended Newt Gingrich’s contract. “Due to the intense media speculation about Gingrich’s potential selection as Donald Trump’s V.P candidate, we felt it best to half his contributor role on the network to avoid all conflicts of interest that may arise.”

But until now, Newt has been “fair and balanced?” ‪#‎SMH‬

In Florida a woman was taken to the hospital for evaluation after she drove into a house and told police she was praying with her eyes closed. This is not I think what Carrie Underwood meant with ‪#‎Jesustakethewheel‬.

#‎BernieSanders‬ didn’t exactly look thrilled to be on stage today with ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ Maybe he and ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ can form a support group.

Donald Trump, upset about Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s negative comments about him, says she should leave the bench “as soon as possible.” Uh, if the Donald thinks Elizabeth Warren is aggravating wait until he starts really jousting with Notorious RBG. ‪#‎passthepopcorn‬

 

 

Donald Trump on RBG “I think it’s highly inappropriate that a United States Supreme Court judge gets involved in a political campaign, frankly.” Right, they should wait until after the vote and then determine the result.

 

 

 

During a memorial for the slain Dallas police offices, which was also attended by George W. and Laura Bush, President Obama stated at one point ‘We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a Glock than to get his hands on a computer.’

Obama was criticized by many conservative for being political. But none of them said he was wrong.

(maybe the President should have said, any teenager with a gun who wants a computer could easily steal one?)

A long long time ago…..

June 6, 2016

#‎VinScully‬ was apparently telling ‪#‎DDay‬ stories tonight during ‪#‎Dodgers‬ loss. Wonder they included seeing ‪#‎JamieMoyer‬ pitch that day?

Steph Curry is bowing out of the Olympics. Makes sense. If he wants the experience against playing against a team of mixed amateurs and professionals, the Warriors have plenty of games next year against the Lakers.

Madison Bumgarner wants to participate in the All-Star Game Home Run Derby. Now, that would probably be too dangerous with the injury risk of swinging that many times. But since the game “counts” maybe Bochy could let ‪#‎Madbum‬ pinch hit? ‪#‎pitcherswhorake‬

 

Looking like ‪#‎LebronJames‬ is about 2 games, and one 2013 miracle Ray Allen shot, away from going 1-6 in ‪#‎NBAFinals‬.

Marshawn Lynch confirmed his retirement on a 60 Minutes Sports/Sports Illustrated segment “No I’m done. I’m done. I enjoyed my time playing, now it’s time to watch my cousins do their thing.”
Wow, retirement has made Lynch positively loquacious.

Hillary’s bro-in-law ‪#‎RogerClinton‬ was just arrested for his 2nd DUI. Clearly that makes him unfit to be related to a President. On the other hand, does that qualify him to run for V.P.? ‪#‎Cheney‬

 

Got an email today saying that “Even if Clinton’s already won, a vote for Sanders will help defeat Trump.” Because the more delegates Bernie gets, the more supportive he’s going to be of Hillary in November? Yeah. Right.

A former Secret Service agent has an anti-Clinton book due out this month. Gary Bryne says he has “no animosity” towards the former First Family: “But I could not keep from asking myself how our nation’s leaders could be so reckless, so volatile, and so dangerous to themselves and to our nation.” And I am sure Bryne has no other rea$on$$$$$$..

 

More on the Stanford rape case, and what feels like a sentencing debacle – the convicted rapist said he thought the sex was consensual, but when two other students happened upon him with the young woman, he ran away. Uh, if he was with a consensual partner, the natural impulse might be to cover up, or to shield her, or just to tell the others “go away and give us some privacy.” Not to run.

 

Mean bitch karma had to be disappointed with the sentencing in the Stanford rape case. On the other hand, had the rapist. Brock Turner, been given a reasonable sentence, it might have been a 24 hour story and maybe he gets out of prison and rebuilds a life in anonymity. Not a chance now. So not a win, but not a complete loss either. ‪#‎Neverdismissmeanbirthkarma‬-

 

 

GOAT

June 3, 2016

And no, Cubs fans. Not a billy goat.

 

For all the talk of Islam as a warlike religion, remember, Muhammad Ali lost his heavyweight title over refusing to kill people in Vietnam. “I ain’t got no quarrel with them Viet Cong. No Viet Cong ever called me nigger…..”

No regarding Muhammad Ali. I’m not a boxing fan. But when someone says that athletes don’t have a clue about life outside their sport….. ‪#‎floatlikeabutterflystinglikeabeeandwalkthewalk‬

 

Donald Trump tweeted out that Muhammad Ali was a “truly great champion and a wonderful guy.” Guess after the Donald proposed his ban in December, he didn’t read Ali’s statement that Muslims “have to stand up to those who use Islam to advance their own personal agenda.”

 

The Miami Marlins may have been the first to report the death of Muhammad Ali. Well, guess they wanted to be first at something. (And with their attendance this year, not like too many people would have noticed if they were wrong.)

Hunter Pence needs hamstring surgery and will be out about 8 weeks. Re  his right field replacement SF Giants’ manager Bruce Bochy has  probably already has told Madison Bumgarner  -“NO!”

#‎SFGiants‬ need another outfielder in a hurry. Hey, that ‪#‎Marlins‬ hitting coach has looked pretty good leading his team in batting practice.

 

 

Giants scored 3 runs in the top of the 9th tonight in a 5-1 win.  Ah yes, that  moment when you think that MAYBE the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are getting enough runs that you don’t have to play the ‪#‎Casilla‬ drinking game.

Over 1 million people have downloaded a new Chick-fil-A app since Wed. because so doing means they get a free sandwich, worth all of about $3. Amazing. Wonder what we could do in the U.S. if we offered people free food to vote.

The San Diego Padres blew a 10 run lead after five, in just two innings, to lose 16-13 to the Mariners Thursday night. And every player who’s ever stole a base or bunted in an out-of-control game just said “See!!!”

Delta Air Lines says starting July 1, all movies, TV shows and music available from the carrier’s “Delta Studio” offerings will be free for both economy and premium cabin passengers. And any fare increase June 30 will be strictly coincidental.

Your “feel good” story of the day courtesy of CNN: Apparently an alleged war criminal, accused of committing atrocities as a commander during Somalia’s civil war is working as a security guard at Dulles, and passed both an FBI criminal background check and a TSA threat assessment, Well, I suppose he can take care of people who bring that dangerous bottled water.

The San Diego Union-Tribune has urged Republican readers to write in Ronald Reagan instead of Donald Trump in the June 7 primary. Why stop there? Why not Lincoln?

Paul Ryan slammed Donald Trump over attacking the Hispanic heritage of the judge overseeing the Trump University lawsuit. Wow. That warm fuzzy relationship lasted about as long as one of Taylor Swift’s.

Friday was National Donut Day. So guessing Donald Trump’s campaign had to survive 24 hours without Chris Christie.

 

Donald Trump is continuing to insist that there’s a conflict of interest to have Judge Gonzalo Curiel handing his Trump University case because Curiel, who is U.S. born, is of Mexican descent. At this point shouldn’t it be a conflict of interest to have anyone make a decision involving Trump if they have an IQ in triple digits?

 

Ticket to ride?

May 18, 2016

Dear Gawd. This actual tweet from Texas Gov. Greg Abbott. “JFK wanted to send a man to the moon. Obama wants to send a man to the women’s restroom. We must get our country back on track. ”
Well, I can think of one man I’d love to send to the moon. And Abbott can take Ted Cruz with him.

 

Dikembe Mutombo tweeted out congratulations to the 76ers on winning the NBA draft lottery. Before the lottery happened.  Well this  should do wonders for the rumors that it’s all fixed.

Nancy Armour writing in USA Today says “Ban countries that dope from Olympics.” Well, that’s one way to get this upcoming mess of a Rio games cancelled.

Alabama star LT Cam Robinson along with DB Hootie Jones were arrested this a.m. Both were charged with marijuana possession but Robinson, a potential top-draft pick, also with “felony illegal possession of stolen firearms.” Yep, he’s NFL ready all right.

Maine got slammed with 4-7 inches of snow yesterday. And in Denver they’re going, aw, we can probably beat that. ‪#‎snowinJune‬?

A self-proclaimed mother of 12 has posted a video of herself walking through Target with a bible saying that the chain doesn’t protect mothers and children etc….. So I missed the videos where she was protesting the Duggars. And the Catholic church.

The IOC has opened disciplinary proceedings against 31 athletes from 12 countries just found to have been doping when their samples were retested from the 2008 Beijing games. The IOC President’s said it sends a “powerful message to the cheats.” Right. Always use the most cutting edge drugs

 

So some are outraged because OKC’s Steven Adams, who is from New Zealand, referred to Curry and Thompson as “quick little monkeys.” He also quickly apologized. But does anyone think Adams would deliberately say that as a slur, playing on a team that is mostly African American? (And Klay is actually biracial.) ‪#‎PCoverload‬

Donald Trump said he’d be willing to speak to Kim Jong Un. At the same time he’s insulting UK Prime Minister David Cameron. If this were a proposed movie script it would be rejected as too far fetched

 

Donald Trump also said his income last year was exceeded $557 million. And heck, aren’t all Americans on the honor system about their income with the IRS?

#‎TrumpKelly‬ interview tonight on Fox. Proving again that whatever divides us as Americans, people can be brought together by love of $$$$.

After game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals Canada is going, well we still have Justin Trudeau and your potential leaders are….  ‪#‎TORvsCLE‬

MLB bans ‪#‎Odor‬ 8 games, ‪#‎Bautista‬ for 1. So if you want to take someone out in baseball, use your legs not your hands.

 

Ben Simmons apparently is hoping to be drafted by the Lakers so that he can get a bigger shoe deal. Sounds like a perfect fit for Los Angeles with that team-oriented basketball they practiced so well at the end of Kobe’s career.

And never say never.  Even so guessing that Ben Simmons is NEVER going to be a Spur.