Posted tagged ‘england jokes’

Seeing red?

June 27, 2016

Iceland just knocked  England out of the #Euro2016. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Thursday.

 

After England’s loss to Iceland,  England soccer coach Roy Hodgson resigned immediately. And probably about five minutes before he was fired.

Carmelo Anthony says he’s already trying to recruit Kevin Durant. Well, there are some advantages to the Knicks – lots of media attention, the city of New York, and the months of May and June off.

A new Lenny Dykstra book coming out tomorrow is apparently so toxic that even Jose Canseco is saying “Dude, less is more.”

 

Rio de Janeiro’s governor said today that the Olympic Games could be a “big failure” What was his first clue?

Monday was ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

Today is ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

Jacksonville Jaguars LB Dan Skuta was charged with first-degree battery for an incident last week in Orlando where he allegedly pushed a woman’s face “with an open hand into a glass window” at around 2:30 a.m. The woman had apparently talked to Skuta, but declined to give him her phone number.
How bad are the Jaguars? Bad enough that not only can’t they come close to .500, but players can’t even impress women?

Two University of Texas freshmen who were moving out of their dorm found a hidden hold with antique items from the late 1950s, including pictures and empty beer cans. And presumably some still-fresh Twinkies.

 

 

The Supreme Court struck down Texas’s abortion law that would have closed most clinics in the state. More ammunition for “Texit?”

Just to prove that stupidity is not confined to one political persuasion, someone -just guessing it might have been a man – at “the Daily Show” thought this was a funny tweet in response to today’s abortion ruling: “Celebrate the ‪#‎SCOTUS‬ ruling! Go knock someone up in Texas!”

 

Even though fewer than 10 out of 41 clinics would have remained with the laws the Supreme Court just struck down, the Texas state solicitor general had argued “over 90% of Texas women of reproductive age will live within 150 miles of an open abortion clinic. ”
Not that they’re equivalent, but wonder what would have been the reaction if a law had required Texas men to drive up to 150 miles for Viagra?

Of course abortion and Viagra are not equivalent.  But on the other hand, Texas didn’t claim their law was to eliminate abortion, it was to “protect women’s health.” And even the ED drug ads say things like “if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”
So maybe Viagra-seeking men should indeed be required to go to a hospital.

 

 

Donald Trump just will not let go of this “Pocahontas” name-calling with Elizabeth Warren. But to be fair, maybe in another life, maybe that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head was a pelt.

The 64 trillion pound question?

June 24, 2016

F*ckmuppet might be the word of the year.  Anyone want to start printing t-shirts?

 

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The Brexit vote won largely in Britain with over-60 year old voters. Younger Brits voted “remain”, but had a lower turnout.
Lesson for the younger generation of Americans, if you didn’t like your parents telling you what to do growing up, make damn sure you vote in November.

 

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. Google reports that in Britain today the most Googled question was “What does it mean to leave the EU?” But the number TWO question – “What is the EU?” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

A “Leave” voter interviewed by the BBC today: “I’m a bit shocked to be honest. I didn’t think that was going to happen. I didn’t think my vote was going to matter too much because I thought we were just going to remain.”  And then he added that he was “quite worried.”
‪#‎facepalm‬ ‪#‎voteshaveconsequences‬

California has been a bit of a laughing stock at times because of all the really important questions we put to a vote with often flawed and misunderstood propositions. But don’t think we’re going to top Britain.

Well at least England doesn’t have to worry about any more heartbreaking losses in the Eurocup ‪#‎BrexitVote‬

Johnny Manziel’s lawyer accidentally sent a text to the AP which included this about a possible plea deal “Heaven help us if one of the conditions is to pee in a bottle.” Looking like Manziel’s judgment on lawyers is about as good as his judgment on everything else.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ should really get a dispensation to open up beer sales again in any 9th inning where Casilla comes in.

A traveler from New Orleans to Atlanta ended up being the only passenger on a 160-seat Delta plane, And Delta probably still charged him for an aisle seat.

In Dallas more than 30 people have been treated for burns after Tony Robbins encouraged them to walk on hot coals as a way of conquering their fears. ‪#‎andthesepeoplevote‬

The Battle Creek Bombers, a minor league baseball team, is having “Second Amendment Education Night tonight, sponsored by a local gun dealer. Although guns will not be sold, the event will be “open carry.” Wonder if that includes the umpires.

The RNC is having a giant picture of Lebron James across from Quicken Loans Arena, a favorite Cleveland spot for selfies, removed before their July convention. What a shame. It also might have been attendees only chance to get a picture featuring an African-American.

 

QB Tarvaris Jackson, an NFL free agent who was most recently Russell Wilson’s backup with the Seahawks, was arrested in Floriday for allegedly pointing a loaded gun at his wife and threatening to kill her. You know, that might be a little excessive even if Jackson hoped to get signed by the 49ers.

Okay, Donald Trump is both praising the Brexit vote, and blaming Obama for it. Uh, if Brexit is a good thing, then shouldn’t Trump be giving the President not blame but credit? ‪#‎logicisacommiepinkoconcepts‬

 

Taylor Swift, who just broke up with Calvin Harris, introduced her boyfriend of two weeks, British actor Tom Hiddleston, to her mom Thursday, and then flew with him Friday on her private jet to England to meet HIS mother. Well, the couple may not marry, but at least Swift should get a heck of a song out of it.,

Why is this day and night different?

April 22, 2016

#‎HappyPassover‬. You know you’re in California when a woman in checkout line is whining about not being able to find gluten-free Matzoh.

 

Toronto Blue Jays Chris Colabello has been suspended 80 games for PED’s. Uh, considering Colabello was batting .069 this year, it’s hard to see how his performance was enhanced.

 

 

In Tennessee, the wife of a high school football coach has been arrested for allegedly sleeping with an underage player. Hmm, did she aspire to be a teacher?

Commissioner Adam Silver said that a “change in the law” would be necessary for the NBA to keep the 2017 All-Star game in North Carolina. Just wondering, leaving the advertising $$$ out of it, wonder if another factor was players and celebrities not exactly clamoring to spend All-Star week in Charlotte.

 

Amazing, almost two days of nonstop coverage of the death of ‪#‎Prince‬, and no one has yet blamed it on Obama.

 

When President Obama and Michelle met the Queen and Prince Phillip at Windsor Castle, Philip drove the foursome 400 yards from the helicopter landing pad to the castle itself. Presumably the whole way with his left blinker on?

 

A Palm Beach zoo is defending itself against some who say they should have fatally shot the tiger who killed a zookeeper instead of tranquilizing it. But come on, the tiger was just standing its ground.

McDonald’s sales are way up this year after the introduction of all-day breakfast. And I’m sure it’s just coincidence that this coincides with some states legalizing marijuana.

Who says I never say anything nice about a Dodger? Brandon McCarthy has been in a Twitter argument with Curt Schilling over the bathroom issue, pointing out “What is stopping any pervert from already going into a bathroom not designated for them and doing what they want? Nothing,” And “Curt we’re talking about human beings with emotions and a desire to be accepted in normal society. Lumping them in w/ molesters and abusers is offensive to not only them but to a reasonable argument.” ‪#‎wellplayed‬

 

So while Curt Schilling is going off on the danger of transgenders in women’s bathrooms has he forgotten that the highest profile sports-related (alleged) bathroom sexual assault upon a woman involved Ben Roethlisberger?

Meanwhile, across the pond, the British Foreign Office is warning gay travelers about the U.S., and “legislation passed recently in North Carolina and Mississippi” “Before traveling please read our general travel advice for the LGBT community. You can find more detail on LGBT issues in the U.S. on the website of the Human Rights Campaign.” ‪#‎GodBlessMurica‬ ‪#‎sigh‬

 

London Mayor Boris Johnson has gone after President Obama again after Obama wrote an op-ed in the U.K. Telegraph supporting Britain staying in the EU, saying the “part-Kenyan” President had an “ancestral dislike of the British Empire.”
Hmm, maybe Johnson doesn’t want to be Prime Minister, maybe Boris wants to come over here and work for Donald Trump.

 

Donald Trump’s campaign manager to the RNC “The part that he’s been playing is evolving into the part that now you’ve been expecting, but he wasn’t ready for, because he had first to complete the first phase…”
Right, the “part he’s been playing,” okay, and then the Donald will be out on the campaign trail accusing Hillary of being dishonest.

Yuck, an asymptomatic pregnant woman in San Francisco who had been to Central America has tested positive for the Zika virus. Now, I would never presume to make this choice for her, but if she chooses to carry the pregnancy to term will the pro-birth crowd be okay with indefinite government funding if the baby is born with microcephaly?

MLK Day.

January 18, 2016

Happy MLK Day. Martin Luther King, Jr., was a great man. No question. But if he lived in the internet age no doubt he would have been vilified for his personal life. Now, I love a good gossip as much as anyone. But I wonder, by our unrelenting 24-7 obsession now with looking for frailties, are we discouraging many men, and women, who might be potentially great leaders?

Panthers coach Ron Rivera has banned hoverboards inside the Carolina Panthers’ facility and suggested his players not ride them to and from work. Now, I get it the week before a game where the winner goes to the Super Bowl. But right, because heaven forbid anyone who plays football should do anything where they can get injured.

The Rams are talking $100 deposits on season tickets for 2016. And the first person to put down money was Magic Johnson. Wonder if he figures by the start of the season the Dodgers won’t have any games worth watching?

Guessing the Golden State Warriors were a bit upset about that loss to the Pistons?

132-98.  Normally when Cleveland is this embarrassed, the Browns are involved. ‪#‎Cavs‬ ‪#‎GSvsCLE‬

In Tennessee, police arrested a teacher after finding three of her students in the trunk of her car. Most people are going “How horrible.” And parents of multiple toddlers are thinking “You can do that?”

New low-cost Spanish airline Air Europa Express is CHARGING applicants 60 euros to apply for a job. Two thoughts: 1, how awful. 2. Don’t tell U.S. airlines.

Novak Djokovic, ranked #1 in the world in men’s tennis, says now “I turned down £110k to throw a match.” Scary. But what might be scarier is the number of players below him who are not saying anything.

To win back customers, Chipotle is planning some free burrito giveaways, that will vary by location. Wonder how many of them might be tied into things like “Bring your mother-in-law to lunch day”?

British Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn told a UK paper that he never got around to naming his cat, and just calls it “Gato.” (cat in Spanish.) Is he lazy, or does Corbyn just have a Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s fetish?

Donald Trump today told Fox News that a 2012 tweet, which he has frequently basically repeated, that the “concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive” was just a joke.
Did it just occur to the Donald that Asian-Americans vote?

Penthouse magazine says they are ending its print publication, going exclusively digital. Well, guess no one ever did pick them up at the store saying “I’m just buying it for the articles.”

 

Watched Gigi again today. Still one of my favorite movies of all time. But it couldn’t be remade. Gaston would have to register as a sex offender.

Damn, now Glenn Frey. Such a big part of the soundtrack of my youth. And one of my first album was the Eagles’ Greatest Hits. Too many young men in their 60s are dying. ‪#‎Alreadygone‬

 

So Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder is saying that the Flint water disaster is NOT his “Katrina.” Well, yeah, the hurricane started out as a natural disaster. In Flint, that state deliberately switched their water source in 2014 from Lake Huron to the Flint River to save money, then changed it back only after the corrosive water permanently damaged the lead pipes. So yeah, this isn’t Snyder’s Katrina, it’s much worse.

from Marc Ragovin  “Just when you thought NFL refs couldn’t be more incompetent, they gave us the most screwed up coin toss since Dick York appeared in the Twilight Zone.

(yeah, its an old reference, but the episode is classic.”   (google it, children. :0))