Posted tagged ‘Olympic jokes’

Red and gold

February 13, 2018

Wait a minute, how did  Shaun White get to be 31 years old?

 

I didn’t know they allowed snowboarders to be over 30.

Hope the winds die down in Korea so they can get the skiing events started before the spring thaw.

 

NCAA denied Notre Dame’s appeal and so the football team must vacate wins from 2012-13 over students doing homework and assignments for players.  Not a Fighting Irish fan but looking at say,  UNC, clearly Notre Dame’s mistake was having players enroll in real classes.

Some of Phoenix Suns felt it was disrespectful for Steve Kerr to let Warriors players coach the team in Golden State’s 129-83 win last night.   So Kerr  should have done like Gregg Popovich did, coaching 3 quarters and then letting an assistant coach coach the 4th quarter?  The shorthanded Spurs beat the Suns by 48.

 

Does every guy’s lawyer pay porn stars $130,000 out of their own pockets? Asking as a confused woman.

 

Michael Cohen  “Neither “Trump Organization nor Trump campaign was a party to transaction w/ Ms. Clifford & neither reimbursed me for payment.”

Cohen didn’t say Donald Trump didn’t pay him.

FBI Director Wray testified today White House was warned about Rob Porter in Mar, Jul, Nov 2017 & again this month. Does this move Wray to top in Trump firing pool?

Amazing how same GOP that promotes “steak & lobster on taxpayer dime” myth for food stamp recipients has no problem with flying first class on taxpayer dime.

So are #SNAP boxes Trump proposes of processed foods really just a way to make sure more poor people don’t live to collect social security & Medicare?

 

Among Trump’s first 87 judicial nominees, 80 are white. Shocking! How did those 7 slip through.

Rob Porter said glass vase that allegedly blackened his ex-wife’s eye was Venetian. So not American. Deport the vase!

 

Bristol Palin and Dakota Meyer have separated. Darn I miss the days when Palins were the most hypocritical outrageous family in politics. #Familyvalues

 

It’s actually pretty simple, only people who say they don’t believe Russia was meddling in 2016 elections, are people Russia was meddling on behalf of.

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Triple-axled?

February 11, 2018

So if a skater can fall twice & still have a higher score than Adam Rippon, I don’t want to hear anymore about how baseball rules are absurd.

But nothing says skating for Russia like Elvis? #Olympics

Does it mean I’m getting old when I think medals for the luge should have Darwin’s picture on them? #WinterOlympics #ChrisMazdzer

Jamie Anderson gets gold for America in slopestyle. Millions of Americans “USA!. USA! USA!. What’s ‘slopestyle'”?

So after being arrested last month for marijuana possession, #49ers#ReubenFoster has now been arrested for alleged domestic violence. Guessing on this one we won’t hear Trump talk about due process.

So I know Pence can’t have dinner alone with women. But does Mother let him have dinner with gay men?

What Torvill and Dean did for Bolero, Virtue and Moir just did for #MoulinRouge#Olympics #Canada

 

Norwegians switched red for blue uniforms in speed skating this #Olympicsafter Norwegian scientists claimed “blue is faster than other colors.” And they say baseball players are superstitious.

Rand Paul on domestic violence “I’m not saying that I’m denying what these women are saying. I’m just saying that these things are very, very complicated.” Can’t imagine how Paul could have provoked his neighbor to attack him.#complicated?

Senator Bob Corker apparently reconsidering retirement. Who does he think he is, Brett Favre?

 

Over 4,000 Americans died last week from flu & associated pneumonia – 1 in 10 deaths in this country. Good thing Trump just signed a bill to cut $1.35 billion from the CDC Prevention & Public Health Fund.

As the #RobPorter scandal continues, Fox News has online headline about “Monica, Linda Tripp and the scandalous days leading up to Clinton’s deposition.” #WTF

 

So Kellyanne Conway isn’t worried about Hope Hicks dating Rob Porter because Hope is “strong.” Building that bridge to the 19th century?

Kellyanne Conway say Trump is still “inclined” to release Democratic memo. Right, he’ll make it a two-fer on the day he releases his tax returns.

 

So what is @realDonaldTrump going to do if some woman accuses both a Democrat AND a Republican man of sexual misconduct?

A question of degrees.

February 10, 2018

 

Jimmy Garoppolo, saying how happy he is to be in SF “It is 75 degrees out here, it’s not a snow storm like in Chicago. It’s a lot better here. So, I wanted to be here.”
Wonder what he’d say if he’d been traded to Green Bay?

Weather now in PyeongChang, 34 degrees.   Or as Minnesotans call that – summer.

 

The new-look Cavaliers survived the 17-39 Atlanta Hawks.  Over-under on how long it will take drama in Cleveland to resurface?

Sort of seems silly that basketball is not a Winter Olympics sport.  In the meantime, fans of amateur basketball will just have to settle for the Hawks or Mavericks.

I’m so old I can remember times on train when younger people could talk to each other without literally using #hashtag as part of a sentence.

Have to wonder, what would Trump do, if an NFL player who knelt for the National Anthem was also accused by a woman of domestic violence?

Multiple allegations of domestic abuse weren’t enough to get Porter fired from WH. But had he said something negative against Trump, Rob would have been gone in 15 minutes.

 

Right about now joining Trump White House has to have as much long-term career security as accepting an offer from Sears.

Don’t see the problem; if WH staff really wants Trumpto pay attention to intelligence briefing have it read out loud on Fox and Friends.

Since Trump says all 19 women who accused HIM were liars, we shouldn’t be surprised he’s dismissive of several women with Roy Moore & 3 with Rob Porter.

At this point as @realDonaldTrump blocks release of Democratic memo it really is the equivalent of shooting someone on 5th Ave. He doesn’t think his base will care.

 

Before Trump blocked Democratic memo, he said “It’s gonna be released soon.” Right, after he releases his tax returns.

Joshie, we hardly knew ye…

February 7, 2018

 

Josh McDaniels agreed to become Colts head coach, then told them, sorry, he decided to stay with Patriots. Well, this ought to make New England even more beloved by fans outside Massachusetts.

 –

Well, at least #Colts were undefeated in the Josh McDaniels era.

 

This is the inaugural Olympics mixed doubles  curling competition, and Canada opened with a loss.  The horror.   Hope they can show their faces at home.

Russell Wilson was traded to the Yankees. Was Derek Jeter somehow involved?

 

A Japanese study says a chemical in McDonald’s french fries may cure baldness. So supersize that standing DC order from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

An Eagles fan was seen at MSP Airport with a stolen purple seat from U.S Bank Stadium. To be fair, at #SuperBowl ticket prices, he probably thought he had paid for it

Federal law prohibits many men with active restraining orders from even buying a gun…. but they can work in the White House? #RobPorter #WTF?

Cornell frat is on probation for a “pig roast” sex contest – points given for sleeping with women & a bonus for having sex with woman who weighed the most. Sometimes it IS hard to believe in evolution.

Scary thing, despite allegations from 2 ex-wives & 1 ex-girlfriend, if that black eye picture hadn’t surfaced, GOP would all still be rallied around Rob Porter.

If OJ Simpson would just make a statement supporting @realDonaldTrump, pretty sure @POTUS would find him a White House position.

So when military men & women start coming out against Trump’s parade how long will it take for #CadetBoneSpurs to call them treasonous?

So GOP attacked Hillary and then Huma Abedin over their philandering husbands. I guess it would have been okay if Bill and Weiner just beat their wives instead?

So Justin  Trudeau apologizes for making a “dumb joke that has gone viral” when he corrected “mankind” to peoplekind.”  Donald Trump still hasn’t apologized for “jokingly” referring to Democrats as “treasonous.”

Yesterday a court ordered @POTUS to pay $25 million to students he defrauded with Trump University, and it wasn’t even a top headline for 24 hours. #thenewabnormal

 

So what if we make a deal with @RealDonaldTrump? He resigns and we give him the bigliest parade ever!

Walk-ons

December 6, 2017

 

FSU’s Derwin James, a projected early 1st round draft pick, skipping Seminoles postseason. Must have been tough decision, who hasn’t dreamed of playing in Walk-Ons Independence Bowl?

(Wonder if James would have still passed had it been the legendary Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl?)

 

LaVar Ball now blaming UCLA coaching staff for his son’s shoplifting, saying they “should have enforced stronger rules during the trip.”

Because kids otherwise would never understand that “no shoplifting” was a rule?

Apparently Liangelo Ball isn’t likely to be drafted by the NBA nor be offered a job playing in Europe.  And he probably hasn’t helped his chances with the ASEAN Basketball League (ASEAN = Association of Southeast Asian Nations – Southeast Asia, China, Hong Kong and Taiwan)

 

Tuesday night Colin Kaepernick got Muhammad Ali Legacy Award, presented by Beyonce. Note to @realDonaldTrump – you can attack a lot of people & get away with it. Probably not Beyonce.

Russia has been banned from 2018 Olympics for systematic state-sanctioned doping. How crooked do you have to be that even the IOC is appalled?

So will Trump let banned Russian athletes compete for the US? #2018WinterOlympics

Wisconsin is moving ahead with plan to drug test food stamp users. Why stop there. Drug test everyone getting money from state. Starting with those in government.

Labor Dept wants to overturn Obama rule requiring employers to give waitstaff all their tips, as opposed to tip-pooling. . Except Trump rule would allow employers to keep ALL tips. Sure that wouldn’t happen at say, Mar-A-Lago….

Almost impossible to find economists supporting #GOPTaxScam bill. Which is another reason GOP wants to make it harder to be graduate student in economics.

State Dept fears Trump move of US embassy to Jerusalem will provoke violence & possible terrorism. Which no doubt is what Trump is counting on to distract from Russia.

Steve Bannon attacks Mitt Romney for “hiding behind his religion” to avoid service in Vietnam. As opposed to the bravery of President Bone Spurs?

U.S. border apprehensions are down 25% this year. So maybe immigrants are using more plane, boats and tunnels?

GOP believes bakers shouldn’t have to make wedding cake for gay couples. Should restaurants have to serve 35 yr old men dating teenagers?

Would #MasterpieceCakeshop make a cake for a 32 year old man to bring to a 16 year old girl?

Roy Moore talking about taking Alabama values to Washington. Which means if he’s elected, no Senator going forward will be able to get a babysitter for their kids.

From TC  “US military exercises in South Korea are again provoking NK prez Kim Chee. They are now daring him to prove his missles can reach the mainland by offering The Silverdome as a target.”

 

Getting late early.

August 7, 2016

Guessing ‪#‎MichaelPhelps‬‘ next retirement speech will be breaking news before @NBC shows most of his ‪#‎Rio2016‬ performances.

Just wonder, if NBC is so sure that women prefer packaged events, why don’t they do two Sunday Night Footballs?  One for guys, and another Monday night with twice as many commercials and edited highlights along with personal stories about the players?

Olympic rowing has been canceled today due to high winds. On a brighter note maybe the wind will blow some of the sewage away.

An Olympic kayaker apparently capsized today when he ran into a sofa. Well, at least the sofa didn’t have a body on it.

So @NBC thinks women don’t care about live sports. or might need to get up early. Top ‪#‎Rio2016‬ events tape delayed  past 1130p. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Serena and Venus Williams were bounced in the first round of the women’s doubles at the Rio 2016 Olympics. Although by the time NBC gets around showing it on tape delay no doubt one of them will already have won another tournament.

#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ has lost 2 complete games 1-0 in 2016. More complete games than most pitchers throw all season. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

#‎ARod‬ will retire Friday. So he’ll be contributing about as much to the ‪#‎Yankees‬ offense as he has been all season.

 

#‎ARod‬ released by ‪#‎Yankees‬. He will serve as an “advisor”but technically he could sign w/ another team. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not that desperate. Yet.

Having traded two star relievers and with A-Rod retiring, the Yankees are becoming a team of no-names. But those no-names will still get a lot more national TV exposure than the players on the division leading Orioles, Indians and Rangers.

 

Quite a love fest from former 49ers players etc for Eddie Debartolo on his election to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. But not much mention of 1992 allegations of him sexually assaulting a waitress in California, and the reported $200,000 out-of-court settlement. Boys will be boys and owners will be owners?

Jeb Bush’s son George P. Bush, a Texas Land Commissioner, is now saying his fellow Republicans should support Donald Trump. And somewhere W. is thinking, “now who’s the stupid one?”

Oliver North is attacking Obama over an alleged ransom payment to Iran for hostages. So Ollie thinks the President was too wimpy to send them arms instead?

 

John Kasich has indicated he can’t support Donald Trump, and it will be “very very difficult” for Trump to win Ohio. But Kasich also says he thinks a Clinton White House would result in “total gridlock.”
As opposed to what we have now?

 

Donald Trump announced that he would ‘walk’ from Japan, Germany, South Korea and other allies if they don’t commit to defending America and or paying their “fair share” of NATO fees.
This guy is gunning for a new game “Trump Insult Bingo.” Wouldn’t be hard to win.

 

From T.C., as it approaches football season: “Seattle head coach Pete Carroll has been given a three-year extension with the Seahawks.  Owner Paul Allen figures that should be more than enough time for Carroll to design a play that will score a TD from the one-yard line.” . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blame it all on women in Rio.

August 6, 2016

Statement from NBC’s Chief Marketing Officer John Miller last month about their tape delayed coverage “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the Games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey.”  #nottheOnion

 

So NBC tape delays ‪#‎Olympics‬ because women don’t like sports & prefer reality TV. On behalf of all women fans to NBC – Bless your heart

Maybe @NBC’s offensive comments about women and watching sports are just a blatant attempt to steal viewers from @FoxNews? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

 

Loved watching ‪#‎Olympics‬ as a child in all kinds of time zones. Waiting to see a world record 4 hr later just doesn’t compare. @NBC sucks.

 

As much as I don’t look forward to Fox and ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ having ‪#‎SuperBowl2017‬ at least they won’t put it on tape delay because of women. @NBC

Nigeria’s team almost late to ‪#‎Olympics2016‬ because of problem w/ charter flight. They made mistake of contracting with a Nigerian prince?

An American won the first gold of the Summer Olympics, in the 10 meter air rifle. Well, and shouldn’t we be the best at shooting guns? We have the most of them.

Meanwhile,  North Korea is at the ‪#‎OlympicGames‬ And their official state newspaper is already reporting on the dozen medals they have won.

A French gymnast broke his leg while competing in a vaulting event today. Gymnastics fans are thinking “how horrible.” Wonder how many non fans are thinking “Hmm, now that I might tune in to watch.”

 

These ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ basketball games have all the drama of ‪#‎SEC‬ college football games – like this year’s Alabama vs Western Kentucky. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

The story now is that the Team USA basketball players who ended up in a Rio brothel were there accidentally because they thought it was a spa. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Going into today’s SF Giants vs. Washington Nationals game:  Matt Cain. 3-6, 5.53 ERA, Stephen Strasburg, 15-1, 2.63 ERA   #soyouaresayingtheresachance

The Yankees have a press conference scheduled tomorrow, possibly about Alex Rodriguez, who will make $21 million this year, and is owed $21 million next year, whether or not he plays. To put that in perspective, the Astros payroll this year is $69 million.

Brett Favre said tonight that his Hall of Fame induction speech was “harder than any third-and-15.” Maybe because Favre realizes that no HOFer has ever rescinded his retirement?

 

Marco Rubio said today that a pregnant woman infected with Zika virus, even if she thinks the child would be born with severe microcephaly, does not have the right to an abortion.
And of course the Florida senator also proposed that government should pay for lifetime care for such a child. Oh, wait, never mind.

Donald Trump’s latest “Unstable Hillary Clinton, lacks the judgment, temperament and moral character to lead this country..She’s really pretty close to unhinged, and you’ve seen, you’ve seen it a couple times…she’s like an unbalanced person.”
Guess it’s not just Melania’s speechwriter who’s stealing phrases from Democrats.