Posted tagged ‘Olympic jokes’

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Red and gold

February 13, 2018

Wait a minute, how did  Shaun White get to be 31 years old?

 

I didn’t know they allowed snowboarders to be over 30.

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Hope the winds die down in Korea so they can get the skiing events started before the spring thaw.

 

NCAA denied Notre Dame’s appeal and so the football team must vacate wins from 2012-13 over students doing homework and assignments for players.  Not a Fighting Irish fan but looking at say,  UNC, clearly Notre Dame’s mistake was having players enroll in real classes.

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Some of Phoenix Suns felt it was disrespectful for Steve Kerr to let Warriors players coach the team in Golden State’s 129-83 win last night.   So Kerr  should have done like Gregg Popovich did, coaching 3 quarters and then letting an assistant coach coach the 4th quarter?  The shorthanded Spurs beat the Suns by 48.

 

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Does every guy’s lawyer pay porn stars $130,000 out of their own pockets? Asking as a confused woman.

 

Michael Cohen  “Neither “Trump Organization nor Trump campaign was a party to transaction w/ Ms. Clifford & neither reimbursed me for payment.”

Cohen didn’t say Donald Trump didn’t pay him.

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FBI Director Wray testified today White House was warned about Rob Porter in Mar, Jul, Nov 2017 & again this month. Does this move Wray to top in Trump firing pool?

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Amazing how same GOP that promotes “steak & lobster on taxpayer dime” myth for food stamp recipients has no problem with flying first class on taxpayer dime.

So are #SNAP boxes Trump proposes of processed foods really just a way to make sure more poor people don’t live to collect social security & Medicare?

 

Among Trump’s first 87 judicial nominees, 80 are white. Shocking! How did those 7 slip through.

Rob Porter said glass vase that allegedly blackened his ex-wife’s eye was Venetian. So not American. Deport the vase!

 

Bristol Palin and Dakota Meyer have separated. Darn I miss the days when Palins were the most hypocritical outrageous family in politics. #Familyvalues

 

It’s actually pretty simple, only people who say they don’t believe Russia was meddling in 2016 elections, are people Russia was meddling on behalf of.

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Triple-axled?

February 11, 2018

So if a skater can fall twice & still have a higher score than Adam Rippon, I don’t want to hear anymore about how baseball rules are absurd.

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But nothing says skating for Russia like Elvis? #Olympics

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Does it mean I’m getting old when I think medals for the luge should have Darwin’s picture on them? #WinterOlympics #ChrisMazdzer

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Jamie Anderson gets gold for America in slopestyle. Millions of Americans “USA!. USA! USA!. What’s ‘slopestyle'”?

So after being arrested last month for marijuana possession, #49ers#ReubenFoster has now been arrested for alleged domestic violence. Guessing on this one we won’t hear Trump talk about due process.

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So I know Pence can’t have dinner alone with women. But does Mother let him have dinner with gay men?

What Torvill and Dean did for Bolero, Virtue and Moir just did for #MoulinRouge#Olympics #Canada

 

Norwegians switched red for blue uniforms in speed skating this #Olympicsafter Norwegian scientists claimed “blue is faster than other colors.” And they say baseball players are superstitious.

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Rand Paul on domestic violence “I’m not saying that I’m denying what these women are saying. I’m just saying that these things are very, very complicated.” Can’t imagine how Paul could have provoked his neighbor to attack him.#complicated?

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Senator Bob Corker apparently reconsidering retirement. Who does he think he is, Brett Favre?

 

Over 4,000 Americans died last week from flu & associated pneumonia – 1 in 10 deaths in this country. Good thing Trump just signed a bill to cut $1.35 billion from the CDC Prevention & Public Health Fund.

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As the #RobPorter scandal continues, Fox News has online headline about “Monica, Linda Tripp and the scandalous days leading up to Clinton’s deposition.” #WTF

 

So Kellyanne Conway isn’t worried about Hope Hicks dating Rob Porter because Hope is “strong.” Building that bridge to the 19th century?

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Kellyanne Conway say Trump is still “inclined” to release Democratic memo. Right, he’ll make it a two-fer on the day he releases his tax returns.

 

So what is @realDonaldTrump going to do if some woman accuses both a Democrat AND a Republican man of sexual misconduct?

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A question of degrees.

February 10, 2018

 

Jimmy Garoppolo, saying how happy he is to be in SF “It is 75 degrees out here, it’s not a snow storm like in Chicago. It’s a lot better here. So, I wanted to be here.”
Wonder what he’d say if he’d been traded to Green Bay?

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Weather now in PyeongChang, 34 degrees.   Or as Minnesotans call that – summer.

 

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The new-look Cavaliers survived the 17-39 Atlanta Hawks.  Over-under on how long it will take drama in Cleveland to resurface?

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Sort of seems silly that basketball is not a Winter Olympics sport.  In the meantime, fans of amateur basketball will just have to settle for the Hawks or Mavericks.

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I’m so old I can remember times on train when younger people could talk to each other without literally using #hashtag as part of a sentence.

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Have to wonder, what would Trump do, if an NFL player who knelt for the National Anthem was also accused by a woman of domestic violence?

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Multiple allegations of domestic abuse weren’t enough to get Porter fired from WH. But had he said something negative against Trump, Rob would have been gone in 15 minutes.

 

Right about now joining Trump White House has to have as much long-term career security as accepting an offer from Sears.

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Don’t see the problem; if WH staff really wants Trumpto pay attention to intelligence briefing have it read out loud on Fox and Friends.

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Since Trump says all 19 women who accused HIM were liars, we shouldn’t be surprised he’s dismissive of several women with Roy Moore & 3 with Rob Porter.

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At this point as @realDonaldTrump blocks release of Democratic memo it really is the equivalent of shooting someone on 5th Ave. He doesn’t think his base will care.

 

Before Trump blocked Democratic memo, he said “It’s gonna be released soon.” Right, after he releases his tax returns.

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Joshie, we hardly knew ye…

February 7, 2018

 

Josh McDaniels agreed to become Colts head coach, then told them, sorry, he decided to stay with Patriots. Well, this ought to make New England even more beloved by fans outside Massachusetts.

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Well, at least #Colts were undefeated in the Josh McDaniels era.

 

This is the inaugural Olympics mixed doubles  curling competition, and Canada opened with a loss.  The horror.   Hope they can show their faces at home.

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Russell Wilson was traded to the Yankees. Was Derek Jeter somehow involved?

 

A Japanese study says a chemical in McDonald’s french fries may cure baldness. So supersize that standing DC order from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

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An Eagles fan was seen at MSP Airport with a stolen purple seat from U.S Bank Stadium. To be fair, at #SuperBowl ticket prices, he probably thought he had paid for it

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Federal law prohibits many men with active restraining orders from even buying a gun…. but they can work in the White House? #RobPorter #WTF?

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Cornell frat is on probation for a “pig roast” sex contest – points given for sleeping with women & a bonus for having sex with woman who weighed the most. Sometimes it IS hard to believe in evolution.

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Scary thing, despite allegations from 2 ex-wives & 1 ex-girlfriend, if that black eye picture hadn’t surfaced, GOP would all still be rallied around Rob Porter.

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If OJ Simpson would just make a statement supporting @realDonaldTrump, pretty sure @POTUS would find him a White House position.

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So when military men & women start coming out against Trump’s parade how long will it take for #CadetBoneSpurs to call them treasonous?

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So GOP attacked Hillary and then Huma Abedin over their philandering husbands. I guess it would have been okay if Bill and Weiner just beat their wives instead?

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So Justin  Trudeau apologizes for making a “dumb joke that has gone viral” when he corrected “mankind” to peoplekind.”  Donald Trump still hasn’t apologized for “jokingly” referring to Democrats as “treasonous.”

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Yesterday a court ordered @POTUS to pay $25 million to students he defrauded with Trump University, and it wasn’t even a top headline for 24 hours. #thenewabnormal

 

So what if we make a deal with @RealDonaldTrump? He resigns and we give him the bigliest parade ever!

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Walk-ons

December 6, 2017

 

FSU’s Derwin James, a projected early 1st round draft pick, skipping Seminoles postseason. Must have been tough decision, who hasn’t dreamed of playing in Walk-Ons Independence Bowl?

(Wonder if James would have still passed had it been the legendary Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl?)

 

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LaVar Ball now blaming UCLA coaching staff for his son’s shoplifting, saying they “should have enforced stronger rules during the trip.”

Because kids otherwise would never understand that “no shoplifting” was a rule?

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Apparently Liangelo Ball isn’t likely to be drafted by the NBA nor be offered a job playing in Europe.  And he probably hasn’t helped his chances with the ASEAN Basketball League (ASEAN = Association of Southeast Asian Nations – Southeast Asia, China, Hong Kong and Taiwan)

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Tuesday night Colin Kaepernick got Muhammad Ali Legacy Award, presented by Beyonce. Note to @realDonaldTrump – you can attack a lot of people & get away with it. Probably not Beyonce.

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Russia has been banned from 2018 Olympics for systematic state-sanctioned doping. How crooked do you have to be that even the IOC is appalled?

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So will Trump let banned Russian athletes compete for the US? #2018WinterOlympics

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Wisconsin is moving ahead with plan to drug test food stamp users. Why stop there. Drug test everyone getting money from state. Starting with those in government.

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Labor Dept wants to overturn Obama rule requiring employers to give waitstaff all their tips, as opposed to tip-pooling. . Except Trump rule would allow employers to keep ALL tips. Sure that wouldn’t happen at say, Mar-A-Lago….

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Almost impossible to find economists supporting #GOPTaxScam bill. Which is another reason GOP wants to make it harder to be graduate student in economics.

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State Dept fears Trump move of US embassy to Jerusalem will provoke violence & possible terrorism. Which no doubt is what Trump is counting on to distract from Russia.

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Steve Bannon attacks Mitt Romney for “hiding behind his religion” to avoid service in Vietnam. As opposed to the bravery of President Bone Spurs?

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U.S. border apprehensions are down 25% this year. So maybe immigrants are using more plane, boats and tunnels?

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GOP believes bakers shouldn’t have to make wedding cake for gay couples. Should restaurants have to serve 35 yr old men dating teenagers?

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Would #MasterpieceCakeshop make a cake for a 32 year old man to bring to a 16 year old girl?

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Roy Moore talking about taking Alabama values to Washington. Which means if he’s elected, no Senator going forward will be able to get a babysitter for their kids.

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From TC  “US military exercises in South Korea are again provoking NK prez Kim Chee. They are now daring him to prove his missles can reach the mainland by offering The Silverdome as a target.”

 

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Getting late early.

August 7, 2016

Guessing ‪#‎MichaelPhelps‬‘ next retirement speech will be breaking news before @NBC shows most of his ‪#‎Rio2016‬ performances.

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Just wonder, if NBC is so sure that women prefer packaged events, why don’t they do two Sunday Night Footballs?  One for guys, and another Monday night with twice as many commercials and edited highlights along with personal stories about the players?

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Olympic rowing has been canceled today due to high winds. On a brighter note maybe the wind will blow some of the sewage away.

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An Olympic kayaker apparently capsized today when he ran into a sofa. Well, at least the sofa didn’t have a body on it.

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So @NBC thinks women don’t care about live sports. or might need to get up early. Top ‪#‎Rio2016‬ events tape delayed  past 1130p. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Serena and Venus Williams were bounced in the first round of the women’s doubles at the Rio 2016 Olympics. Although by the time NBC gets around showing it on tape delay no doubt one of them will already have won another tournament.

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#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ has lost 2 complete games 1-0 in 2016. More complete games than most pitchers throw all season. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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#‎ARod‬ will retire Friday. So he’ll be contributing about as much to the ‪#‎Yankees‬ offense as he has been all season.

 

#‎ARod‬ released by ‪#‎Yankees‬. He will serve as an “advisor”but technically he could sign w/ another team. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not that desperate. Yet.

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Having traded two star relievers and with A-Rod retiring, the Yankees are becoming a team of no-names. But those no-names will still get a lot more national TV exposure than the players on the division leading Orioles, Indians and Rangers.

 

Quite a love fest from former 49ers players etc for Eddie Debartolo on his election to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. But not much mention of 1992 allegations of him sexually assaulting a waitress in California, and the reported $200,000 out-of-court settlement. Boys will be boys and owners will be owners?

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Jeb Bush’s son George P. Bush, a Texas Land Commissioner, is now saying his fellow Republicans should support Donald Trump. And somewhere W. is thinking, “now who’s the stupid one?”

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Oliver North is attacking Obama over an alleged ransom payment to Iran for hostages. So Ollie thinks the President was too wimpy to send them arms instead?

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John Kasich has indicated he can’t support Donald Trump, and it will be “very very difficult” for Trump to win Ohio. But Kasich also says he thinks a Clinton White House would result in “total gridlock.”
As opposed to what we have now?

 

Donald Trump announced that he would ‘walk’ from Japan, Germany, South Korea and other allies if they don’t commit to defending America and or paying their “fair share” of NATO fees.
This guy is gunning for a new game “Trump Insult Bingo.” Wouldn’t be hard to win.

 

From T.C., as it approaches football season: “Seattle head coach Pete Carroll has been given a three-year extension with the Seahawks.  Owner Paul Allen figures that should be more than enough time for Carroll to design a play that will score a TD from the one-yard line.” . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Blame it all on women in Rio.

August 6, 2016

‬ Statement from NBC’s Chief Marketing Officer John Miller last month about their tape delayed coverage “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the Games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey.”  #nottheOnion

 

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So NBC tape delays ‪#‎Olympics‬ because women don’t like sports & prefer reality TV. On behalf of all women fans to NBC – Bless your heart

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Maybe @NBC’s offensive comments about women and watching sports are just a blatant attempt to steal viewers from @FoxNews? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

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Loved watching ‪#‎Olympics‬ as a child in all kinds of time zones. Waiting to see a world record 4 hr later just doesn’t compare. @NBC sucks.

 

As much as I don’t look forward to Fox and ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ having ‪#‎SuperBowl2017‬ at least they won’t put it on tape delay because of women. @NBC

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Nigeria’s team almost late to ‪#‎Olympics2016‬ because of problem w/ charter flight. They made mistake of contracting with a Nigerian prince?

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An American won the first gold of the Summer Olympics, in the 10 meter air rifle. Well, and shouldn’t we be the best at shooting guns? We have the most of them.

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Meanwhile,  North Korea is at the ‪#‎OlympicGames‬ And their official state newspaper is already reporting on the dozen medals they have won.

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A French gymnast broke his leg while competing in a vaulting event today. Gymnastics fans are thinking “how horrible.” Wonder how many non fans are thinking “Hmm, now that I might tune in to watch.”

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These ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ basketball games have all the drama of ‪#‎SEC‬ college football games – like this year’s Alabama vs Western Kentucky. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

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The story now is that the Team USA basketball players who ended up in a Rio brothel were there accidentally because they thought it was a spa. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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Going into today’s SF Giants vs. Washington Nationals game:  Matt Cain. 3-6, 5.53 ERA, Stephen Strasburg, 15-1, 2.63 ERA   #soyouaresayingtheresachance

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The Yankees have a press conference scheduled tomorrow, possibly about Alex Rodriguez, who will make $21 million this year, and is owed $21 million next year, whether or not he plays. To put that in perspective, the Astros payroll this year is $69 million.

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Brett Favre said tonight that his Hall of Fame induction speech was “harder than any third-and-15.” Maybe because Favre realizes that no HOFer has ever rescinded his retirement?

 

Marco Rubio said today that a pregnant woman infected with Zika virus, even if she thinks the child would be born with severe microcephaly, does not have the right to an abortion.
And of course the Florida senator also proposed that government should pay for lifetime care for such a child. Oh, wait, never mind.

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Donald Trump’s latest “Unstable Hillary Clinton, lacks the judgment, temperament and moral character to lead this country..She’s really pretty close to unhinged, and you’ve seen, you’ve seen it a couple times…she’s like an unbalanced person.”
Guess it’s not just Melania’s speechwriter who’s stealing phrases from Democrats.

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In honor of Olympics, this post should be tape-delayed.

August 5, 2016

NBC not only tape delays ‪#‎Rio2016‬ they’re broadcasting at different times across US. Good luck if you talk to friends in other time zones.

 

Viewers unhappy at @NBC tape-delaying ‪#‎Rio2016‬ an hour w/ commercials. Except on West Coast ‪#‎OpeningCeremony‬ will be OVER before they start.

 

 

At least 3 NBA players in Rio were seen going into a brothel. Clearly Rio is not ready for the Olympics. Shouldn’t the groupies be in place by now?

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A Moroccan boxer has been arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting two maids at the Olympic Village. And presumably also for stupidity – he couldn’t find thousands of women happy to sleep with an Olympic athlete?

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The USA men’s and women’s basketball teams are staying on a luxury cruise ship docked in Rio, instead of at the Olympic Village where Andrew Bogut has tweeted about no shower curtains and bed issues.
Carmelo Anthony was asked about it “We have the same amenities as if we’re staying in a hotel, so I don’t really see what the (discussion is about). The beds are not big. The rooms are small. There’s some disadvantages to staying on the ship.” And Carmelo said all this with a straight face

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Some Olympic swimmers have been practicing with snorkels as the water looks “cloudy.” So when the events begin will we see the first ever hazmat wetsuits?

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Brazil has become the butt of jokes before the 2016 Olympics. ‪#‎ThirdWorldProblems‬. But then there’s the US, where NBC still won’t show events live. ‪#‎Firstworldproblems‬

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The new head of ABC has vowed there will be more “diversity” on “The Bachelor.” So this means instead of blond and brunette men, they might go for a redhead?

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The ‪#‎Yankees‬ have a press conference today about an impending retirement. Unfortunately for Yankee fans, it’s Mark Teixeira, not ‪#‎ARod‬

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Jeff Samardzija was almost looking like an ‪#‎AllStar‬, now looking like he should be pitching in ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ home run derby. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Mike Henriques, the Oakland A’s strength and conditioning coach, was suspended for allegedly putting a hidden camera in the Coliseum weight room to spy on players. Well, and looking at the A’s record, a lot of good it did him.

 

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Go ‪#‎redsox‬. But at some point ‪#‎Dodgers‬ losing has to stop being @SFGiants strategy for winning NLWest.

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Scott Silverthorne, the mayor of Fairfax, VA, was arrested today for an alleged “meth-for-sex” scheme. SIlverthorne is also a substitute teacher. Wonder if he did his training in Albuquerque?

 

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  “There’s good news concerning the contaminated water at the Olympics in Rio. The Zika mosquitoes are dying of Dysentery.”

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Tom Brady told reporters his decision finally to accept the NFL’s suspension was a “personal decision.” As in personally Brady figured he was spending more money on lawyers than he would lose in the suspension?

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Here’s another commie pinko journalist attacking Donald Trump: “Here is a truth of life. When you act as if you’re insane, people are liable to think you’re insane…. There’s a clueless quality about him. It’s not that he doesn’t get advice; it’s that he can’t hear advice, can’t process it or turn it into action.”
The writer? Peggy Noonan.

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The last line of an Los Angeles Times op-ed. Pass it on. The writer is Bernie Sanders: “I understand that many of my supporters are disappointed by the final results of the nominating process, but being despondent and inactive is not going to improve anything. Going forward and continuing the struggle is what matters. And, in that struggle, the most immediate task we face is to defeat Donald Trump.”

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Seeing red?

June 27, 2016

Iceland just knocked  England out of the #Euro2016. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to England since Thursday.

 

After England’s loss to Iceland,  England soccer coach Roy Hodgson resigned immediately. And probably about five minutes before he was fired.

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Carmelo Anthony says he’s already trying to recruit Kevin Durant. Well, there are some advantages to the Knicks – lots of media attention, the city of New York, and the months of May and June off.

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A new Lenny Dykstra book coming out tomorrow is apparently so toxic that even Jose Canseco is saying “Dude, less is more.”

 

Rio de Janeiro’s governor said today that the Olympic Games could be a “big failure” What was his first clue?

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Monday was ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

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Today is ‪#‎NationalSunglassesDay‬. In Seattle they’re going “National what?”

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Jacksonville Jaguars LB Dan Skuta was charged with first-degree battery for an incident last week in Orlando where he allegedly pushed a woman’s face “with an open hand into a glass window” at around 2:30 a.m. The woman had apparently talked to Skuta, but declined to give him her phone number.
How bad are the Jaguars? Bad enough that not only can’t they come close to .500, but players can’t even impress women?

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Two University of Texas freshmen who were moving out of their dorm found a hidden hold with antique items from the late 1950s, including pictures and empty beer cans. And presumably some still-fresh Twinkies.

 

 

The Supreme Court struck down Texas’s abortion law that would have closed most clinics in the state. More ammunition for “Texit?”

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Just to prove that stupidity is not confined to one political persuasion, someone -just guessing it might have been a man – at “the Daily Show” thought this was a funny tweet in response to today’s abortion ruling: “Celebrate the ‪#‎SCOTUS‬ ruling! Go knock someone up in Texas!”

 

Even though fewer than 10 out of 41 clinics would have remained with the laws the Supreme Court just struck down, the Texas state solicitor general had argued “over 90% of Texas women of reproductive age will live within 150 miles of an open abortion clinic. ”
Not that they’re equivalent, but wonder what would have been the reaction if a law had required Texas men to drive up to 150 miles for Viagra?

Of course abortion and Viagra are not equivalent.  But on the other hand, Texas didn’t claim their law was to eliminate abortion, it was to “protect women’s health.” And even the ED drug ads say things like “if your heart is healthy enough for sex.”
So maybe Viagra-seeking men should indeed be required to go to a hospital.

 

 

Donald Trump just will not let go of this “Pocahontas” name-calling with Elizabeth Warren. But to be fair, maybe in another life, maybe that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head was a pelt.

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As the flame burns out.

February 23, 2014

USA hockey reaction after today: “Bummer that we didn’t get a medal.” Russia hockey reaction: “how the bleep did we lose to these guys?”

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Alas,  “Do you believe in Miracles?” has become “Do you believe in not being good enough for a Bronze Medal?”

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Team USA speed skating strategy for next Olympics? Expedited citizenship for more Dutch applicants.

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The Sochi Olympics are almost over. And March Madness is just around the corner. So most Americans can soon go from cheering for sports they’ve never cared about before, to cheering for teams they’ve never cared about before. #bracketology

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The NFL is apparently going to institute penalties for racial slurs. 15 yards for the first offense, and ejection for the second. So what will constitute a “racial slur?” Are players going to get a manual of words? And what about “Redskins?”

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Easter this year is 4 20. This is an advance warning to children in Colorado and Washington: Hide those chocolate bunnies from mom and dad.

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While the 49ers appear to have been talking to the Browns about a deal to send Jim Harbaugh to Cleveland, the coach appears to have vetoed the deal. So now we know the answer, yes there are some challenges too big even for Harbaugh’s ego.

 

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In Austin, a woman jogger was arrested for jaywalking and not having ID . Bummer. Had she only been armed she could have proved Texas residency

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A Duke University freshman who was outed as a porn star is defending her occupation as something she enjoys and more than pays her college expenses. Maybe the young woman should go into politics. At least her screwing people for money is providing some value.

 

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All that weight Pablo Sandoval lost, I think we just found some of it: Yasiel Puig showed up to Dodgers training camp weighing 251 pounds, 26 more than in 2013.

 

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NFL rules kept Jadeveon Clowney from entering the draft last year, and the DE said “Because I came off a great season. If it was a chance, I probably would have. “But right now, it’s over with. I had to stay a third year. I did what I had to do, took care of business with my team…”

Uh, considering how underwhelming his 2013 season was, wonder how motivated Clowney will be once he has $$$? (I still predict, he’ll be a bigger distraction for his team than Michael Sam.)

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He has his blinker on, she stops for directions?

February 21, 2014

Ok, this could be fun. Tony Stewart, defending his driver Danica Patrick against Richard Petty, 76, who asserted that the only way she could win a Sprint Cup race is if no one else were on the track: “I think a race would settle it once and for all. I will supply the cars. I’ll make sure they have exactly the same setup in the car and give him the chance

 

 

Johnny Manziel “I feel like I play like I’m 10 feet tall.” That kind of cockiness is no doubt to inspire several defensive ends and linebackers to try to put him 6 feet under.

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The Arizona legislature has passed a bill allowing individuals to use religious beliefs as a defense against a lawsuit And of course, it would allow bigots not to serve gays and lesbians. But doesn’t it equally mean that gays, lesbians and Christians who believe we are all God’s children could refuse to serve bigots?

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: A California man was arrested when he went to the police to report he had been the victim of a hit-and-run. And the police recognized him and his car from surveillance videos from three recent robberies.

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Congratulations to Canada on their gold medal in men’s curling. Maybe a nation with strong gun control laws needs to get really good at throwing rocks?

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One of this year’s Olympic oxymorons: U.S. Speedskaters

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The situation in the Ukraine is bad enough that Putin may soon be telling Olympic reporters “Why don’t you ask me about gay rights?

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Have to love it. Ashley Wagner, who had a fall-plagued skate at US nationals and was named to Team USA based on her past record over a woman who skated better, is now complaining about the judging in the Olympics, claiming that higher scores were awarded based on reputation and favoritism. #irony

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Ok. I guess most Americans can now stop pretending to care about Hockey for another four years.

 

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Apparently angry parents who took their kids to see Miley Cyrus are calling to complain about too much sexual innuendo in her concerts. Uh, did any of these people see or read about the MTV awards before buying tickets?

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Michele Bachman told an interviewer that she thought many Americans “aren’t ready” for a female president. Uh, Michele, maybe they just aren’t ready for YOU to be president.

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So long, farewell. Auf wiedersehen, good bye. Maria Agatha Franziska Gobertina von Trapp, the second oldest and last surviving child of the Trapp family, (Louisa in the Sound of Music) died last week at 99. Let’s hope it wasn’t that NBC remake that killed her.

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The iStamp?

February 20, 2014

The USPS has announced a new Steve Jobs postage stamp for 2015. Actually presume it will be a series of stamps, each one getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller….

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Considering how the figure skaters are doing relative to the hockey team, Vladimir Putin may have to rethink support for gays in Russia.

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For starters, however, how fabulous would the ratings be if we could only get  Johnny Weir to do an on-air Olympic interview of Putin?

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Although with all the newfangled events in the Olympics suppose it’s good to see some traditionalism – like controversy with the women’s figure skating scores.

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German figure skater Nathalie Weinzierl had a rough free skate performance skating to “Rhapsody in Blue.” Maybe if you are trying to achieve perfection not a great idea to use the music of United Airlines?

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President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper bet cases of beer on the USA-Canada hockey games. Guess they didn’t want to wager with some real stakes. Like with a USA win we send back Bieber and with a Canada win they send us Rob Ford?

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Guess what. The prevent defense doesn’t work well in hockey either. #USAvsCAN #Sochi2014

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Wonder if the USA Women’s hockey team got a post-game phone call from Bill Buckner?

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Actually, for hockey afficionados Bill Littlejohn has a better line,” the team has just been made honorary Toronto Maple Leafs.”

(for non-hockey fans who are curious, google  “leafs” “bruins” “game 7.”)

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Kobe Bryant says he’s “not cool” that the Lakers shipped Steve Blake to the Warriors. Of course, wonder how many Lakers fans are “not cool” with Los Angeles spending $30 million this year on Kobe.

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Police say that during an argument at a casino in Atlantic City, Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice knocked his fiancee unconscious. Bet no one’s doing a poll of NFL players to see if they’d feel comfortable with HIM in their locker room..

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At a NJ Town Hall today, Chris Christie blamed Superstorm Sandy recovery problems on the Obama administration, saying “I’m not the king of New Jersey. I’m just the governor.” Well, duh, if Christie were king he would have had those responsible for exposing the Bridgegate scandal beheaded.’

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Ted Cruz, after Ted Nugent called Obama a “subhuman mongrel” said he didn’t share Nugent’s views but “there’s a reason… people listen to him. He has been fighting passionately for Second Amendment rights . And this administration has demonstrated an incredible hostility to the Second Amendment rights of law abiding citizens.” Ah, so passion justifies all speech? How did I miss Cruz’s defense of Martin Bashir?

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The two men who beat up Bryan Stow were only sentenced to 8 and 4 years respectively. Which for one of them will be barely more than time served. Wonder how much time someone might get for beating them up in prison?

Bus to Hell time. Regarding the men who pleaded guilty to attacking Bryan Stow, and who will be out of jail soon. Couldn’t the judge make a condition of their eventual parole be visiting Florida while wearing hoodies?

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President Obama sent an apology to an art history professor for saying “folks can make a lot more potentially with skilled manufacturing or the trades than they might with an art history degree.’ Now Marco Rubio has tweeted “Pathetic Obama apology to art history prof. We do need more degrees that lead to jobs.” What, like Rubio’s own undergraduate degree in political science?

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Taste of America?

February 18, 2014

Those Ralph Lauren limited-edition Team USA sweaters, originally $595, are now selling for THOUSANDS on Ebay. Sounds like some folks are getting very expensive Christmas sweaters to put at the back of their closets.

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Wonder how many people watched the Russian ice dancers skate to Swan Lake and thought “Cool, they’re using the music from Billy Elliott.”

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The U.S. two man bobsled had not won a medal in 62 years. Or as Cubs fans call that “Only Yesterday.” #BMWBobsled

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Johnny Manziel, saying that Russell Wilson is proof that shorter QBs can succeed in the NFL – “I think he’s kicked the door wide open.” And Doug Flutie and Drew Brees are just giggling.

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So a hijacked Ethopian Airlines plane ended up landing in Geneva instead of Rome. No reported injuries, but many passengers on board no doubt have one very important question – “Does the detour mean I get extra frequent flier miles?”

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Paris Hilton had a major wardrobe malfunction at the 33rd birthday party bash she threw for herself Saturday, when she showed the world she was going commando with an overly slit dress. Or maybe Paris is just trying to take some headlines back from Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus?

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The Downton Abbey US season finale is NEXT WEEK?! #toosoon

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Not the Onion: In Georgia, some legislators are pushing for a law that would allow licensed gun-owners to avoid arrest if they accidentally bring their firearms to the airport and into security lines. Two questions: “What could possibly go wrong?” And “How did they beat Florida to it?”

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George Zimmerman told CNN “I’d like to to continue my education and hopefully become an attorney.” So much for anyone who said it’s not possible for the legal profession to have a worse reputation.

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A “number” of passengers and three crew members were injured today when a United Airlines flight from Denver to Billings encountered “severe” turbulence. Coming soon, a “premium seat belt” for a fee?

(Or as Bill D. says, “an E ticket fee?”)

From my friend comedy writer Jerry Perisho “Good news. Simon Cowell’s milk came in.”

(I’m wondering, does that mean Simon will soon be wearing a black nursing t-shirt?)

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From T.C.  “Some of the stray Russian dogs are being adopted by the visiting Olympic athletes. One American is arranging to bring one home and has already named it “Sochi”. A British guy wants to adopt one as well. Name? “Eddie the Beagle” of course.”

(My Bus to Hell thought.  Probably a good thing for the dogs that there are no Vietnamese athletes at these games.)

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Winter wonderland?

February 17, 2014

pier39

Life is so stressful for winter visitors in California….

Okay, before this Olympics, who in America had ever heard the word “twizzles?”

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And maybe you have to be of the original Star Trek generation. Although anyone but me waiting for the headline “The trouble with Twizzles?”

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In his reality show “Snake Salvation,” Jamie Coots, a Pentecostal preacher, said that he believed that a Bible passage in the Bible meant poisonous snakebites will not harm believers as long as they are anointed by God. Coots died last night, of a snakebite. So guessing he was either wrong about the Bible, or wrong about being anointed.

(As my friend Melodi says – give that man a Darwin, except he probably didn’t believe in Darwin either.)

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NBA All-Star game today. A lot of showboating and not much defense. In other words, pretty much like the regular season.

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The Powerball jackpot is back up to $400 million. Although most Americans are much less likely to win than they are to be struck by a car while walking and daydreaming about their potential winnings.

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A different thought about the “loud music” shooting in Florida: The easy availabilty of guns doesn’t just mean too many people are armed, it means it’s easy for people to claim they think everyone else is also armed.

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Mitt Romney, disagreeing with Rand Paul about a possible Hillary Clinton run: “I don’t imagine that Bill Clinton is going to be a big part of it” Uh, maybe because Mitt is smart enough to know the GOP doesn’t want to remind people of what many Americans now consider eight overall very good years?

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Forty degrees and sunny for the cross-country skiing relay today in Sochi? Heck, that”s warmer weather than most Candlestick Park night baseball games.

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Three one-thousandth of a second….

February 16, 2014

Very cute Carnival Cruise lines Olympic commercial featuring kids and a waterslide about the team that “just met yesterday.” Wonder how many people can read the small print “Unless you are a professional bobsledder only one person may go down the slide at a time.”

 

Three one thousandth of a second was the difference today in the 1500 meters men’s speed skating event. Men think “Wow!”  And women think, “I’ve known men who’ve lasted less than that.”

 

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, defending his decision to allow a debt-ceiling vote. “I believe I have to act in the best interest of the country.” And he said it with a straight face.

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Sad news. John Henson, 48, who followed his late father into puppetry, has died of a heart attack. Jim Henson was only 53 when he died. Hope this doesn’t mean Muppets are hazardous to your health.

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USA men’s hockey wins in a shoot out. USA Women’s curling elminated after they fall just short of an extra end. And millions of people are thinking “I have no idea what either of those sentences mean.”

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Curling would be a lot more fun to watch if they could run the competition simultaneously on the ice with figure skating. #demolitionderby

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Just thinking that “do you believe in miracles?” call wouldn’t have been the same with a shootout.

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So it’s not the suits? What will the U.S. Speedskating team blame next?

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Roger Goodell made $44.2 million last year. Could you imagine how much he would have made if he weren’t working as the head of a nonprofit?

 

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The military says they now have a pizza for soldiers that can stay on the shelf for as long as three years and still remain edible. Did they just borrow the recipe from Domino’s?

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A Northern California Radio Shack was robbed at gunpoint this week. Shocking! There’s anything at a Radio Shack crooks think is worth stealing?

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So to sum up, a white guy in Florida opened fire on a SUV with four black teenagers inside because he felt “threatened” after an argument that he started by complaining about their music. (The teenagers were unarmed.) And a jury says he’s guilty of trying to murder the kids he missed, but not guilty of murdering the kid he actually shot?

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George Zimmerman just told an interviewer: “I suffer from PTSD.” I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

 

A top South Korean speed skater decided to move and switch his allegiance to Russia in order to improve his medal changes in Sochi. Hmm. Think we can convince Justin Bieber that his best chance of another Grammy is to move back to Canada?

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From Marc Ragovin. ” Actress Ellen Page has announced that she is gay. Well there goes her NFL career.”

(of course, for nervous men,  Page could be the perfect locker room reporter.)

 

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Sochi-ing on.

February 14, 2014

Most bizarre Olympic sign-off ever? Matt Lauer last nightt – “Bob, get back soon. I’m running out of clothes.” (Guess the stores in Sochi weren’t ready for Olympic crowds either?)

So are you a true Olympics fan if you only watch short track speed skating for the crashes? #Sochi2014

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For a fundraiser to rebuild an ice rink Torvill and Dean returned to Sarajevo today to recreate their legendary perfect 10 “Bolero” routine from the 1984 Olympics. The couple still has it, even if they do presumably skate around the rink with their left blinkers on.

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New USA Olympic motto: TGFX – Thank God For XGames

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Russian skating star Evgeni Plushenko’s. 31, withdrew from the Olympics and retired after he was unable to perform some jumps in warmups before the short program. Wonder how many judges still scored him highest?

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Jadeveon Clowney said he might have stayed at South Carolina for another year if he were paid for being a college athlete. Wonder how many other college football players are thinking “Dude, you went to the wrong school?”

Got to love all these small-government types screaming during snowstorms that the roads aren’t plowed fast enough.

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Can we nominate Dale Hansen for Texan of the Year?  (If you don’t recognize the name, Google him.)

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PayPal’s president apparently sent an email to employees chastising them for not using the PayPal app. Maybe they know something we don’t?

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A proposed new NCAA college football rule change would slow down hurry-up offenses, by not allowing teams to snap the ball with more than 29 seconds left on the 40-second clock. Ostensibly to help prevent defensive injuries. Or it might just be because most of the SEC, including Alabama, don’t run the hurry-up offense.

(And  I am sure it’s just a coincidence that Nick Saban, not on the rules committee, made a special request to speak in favor of the rule to the committee..)

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A federal appeals court struck down California’s law forbidding citizens from carrying concealed weapons in public. On a brighter note, this may cut down on people daring to text in California movie theaters.

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Comcast is buying Time Warner Cable for $45 billion. I guess it’s part of their grand plan to create the worst company for customer service ever.   (Next stop, buying an airline?)

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Who would ever think that the Comcast-Time Warner merger won’t be great for consumers. Why, we all know how wonderful airline mergers have made things for travelers….

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San Francisco area health officials are warning that BART riders may have been exposed to the measles after a UC Berkeley student with the disease rode BART to and from class last week. Of course, with airline change fees of $200 and up, wonder how much crap fliers get exposed to regularly from passengers who don’t want to spend the money to postpone their trips?

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As my friend Linda commented about the U.S. Olympic success in X-Games type competition. “we’re really good at games we invent.” So, friends and readers, what other events should the USA invent for future Olympics to increase our medal count?

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Who’s not looking at you, kid?

February 12, 2014

More on the showering with a gay teammate issue. What is it about some straight men that makes them think all gay men would find them attractive? I suppose the same thing that makes some men think all women find them attractive.

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New Orleans Saints LB Jonathan Vilma, who originally made what seemed like homophobic comments about showering with a gay teammate, now has given a long convoluted apology. Translation – someone probably got a call from pro-gay rights QB – and team captain – Drew Brees.

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Shirley Temple has passed away. And millions of younger Americans wonder why her parents named her after a drink.

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So at least for now we lose the only real live drama of NBC’s primetime Olympics show – Just how much weirder looking could poor Bob Costas get with his pink eye infection? Costa sat out at least Tuesday’s coverage.

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NBC every night what they perceive to be the best for last with their primetime 8-11pm Olympic coverage. Which means that folks in the generation least likely to have seen the results online have probably been in bed for hours.

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Tuesday silver lining?   Americans can stop pretending to care about halfpipe.

A “historic ice storm” is supposed to hit Atlanta and potentially leave many without power for days. So where are all those fire and brimstone types who like to blame natural disasters on God’s wrath when those disasters happen to Red states?

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Hundreds of flights are being cancelled this week in Charlotte, Dallas and Atlanta due to the latest storm. Looks like if the NFL decides to avoid cold weather cities for future Super Bowls they’re going to have to expand the blacklist.

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If NBC broadcast the Super Bowl guess we would have seen brief tape-delayed highlights of the game between 8p-11p, sandwiched between commercials and human interest stories about Peyton Manning and Richard Sherman?

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Mark Adams, IOC spokesman, regarding complaints about the halfpipe, which some athletes called “sand and mush.” “There is no problem at all with the halfpipe itself, it is just that these are dynamic living fields of play.” “Dynamic living fields of play?” And officials at Candlestick Park are going “Why didn’t we think of that?”

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Well, at least some in the GOP are consistent. Florida Governor Rick Scott, asked directly if he supported an increase in the minimum wage. “If the President really cared about people making minimum wage he’d repeal Obamacare.”

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An explosion at a Pakistan porn movie theater killed 11 and injured 30. No word on how many of the men hospitalized will survive their wives finding out where they were.

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28 Republicans joined with Democrats in the House to pass a clean debt-limit bill today. I blame Obama.

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Georgia Governor Nathan Deal suggests that if power goes out throughout the state, residents should “read a book.” And Georgians under 25 responded “What’s a book?

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Closing this blog on a sad note.  Just heard of the passing of Keith Hillyard suddenly of a heart attack on January 21.  I never met Keith, he was a retired DJ in New Mexico, but he liked my jokes and read my blog regularly. . And a few times a year he’d add a comment, often something funny.

On January 20, he sent me the following.  “With teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl, apparently they’re resurrecting the “Weed Eater” Bowl.”

Keith was only 63, and apparently a serious Denver Broncos fan.  At  least he lived before having to watch this year’s game..

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Fears and jeers.

February 10, 2014

What’s the big deal? NFL players have been showering with rapists, adulterers, potential murderers and at least one dog-killer. And a gay guy is supposed to freak them out?

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Another reason to congratulate Michael Sam. He helped knock A-Rod out of the sports headlines.

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Forget these anonymous wimps saying it would be a problem. If some current NFL player wants to show real courage, perhaps it’s time to stand up and show Michael Sam that he won’t be the first openly gay guy in the league.

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As if we needed more proof that women are tougher than men: Female athletes have been showering with openly gay teammates and competitors for decades and surviving just fine.

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And of course we all knew the NFL completely fell apart once they allowed women reporters in the locker room. Oops, never mind. #Michaelsam #getoverit

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Going out on a limb here and saying that Jadeveon Clowney will eventually prove to be more of a distraction in an NFL locker room than Michael Sam.

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And the whole thing brings to mind the 2010 interview when Willie Mays, then 79 years old, was asked if baseball was ready for an openly gay player.  His three word response  “Can he hit?”

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Reportedly Arnold Schwarzenegger is thinking about challenging the Constitution and trying to run for President in 2016. Leaving the issue of his birthplace again, Arnold couldn’t even be re-elected as Governor of California.

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Okay, this is the gold medal story to disprove the axiom that one should never rejoice in the deaths of others. 21 Iraqis were killed today during an accident at a training camp for suicide bombers.

As T.C. says “class dismissed.”

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Those Christmas sweater Team USA uniforms have sold out online. At $595 for the sweater alone. Guess H.L. Mencken once again has been proved right. “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

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Olympics t-shirt I want to see. “Curlers get their rocks off.” 

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The individual events haven’t even begun yet and there’s already controversy in figure skating, first with allegations of a conspiracy between the Russian and US judges, and then amazingly high scores given to local favorite Evgeni Plushenko’s performance on Sunday. Well, at least the sport is already in mid-Olympic form.

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One man out.

February 10, 2014

Moron of the day award goes to the unnamed NFL player personnel assistant who said about Michael Sam’s coming out. “It’d chemically imbalance an NFL locker room and meeting room.” Right. Like a Missouri team that was 5-7 in 2012 was “chemically imbalanced” in 2013 enough to finish the year 10-2.

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Good for Michael Sam. Of course must be honest. Personally probably have less prejudice against a gay player than a player from the SEC.

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More kudos. To Michael Sam’s Missouri teammates. Sounds like they were supportive but whatever their feelings, none of them let anything slip to the media. #teamwork

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In honor of #MichaelSam will an Olympic male figure skater come out as straight?

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Russian speedskater Olga Graf won a bronze in the 3000 metres. Exhausted, hot and excited after her race, she unzipped her suit down to her waist – forgetting she didn’t have anything on underneath. Graf quickly rezipped the suit before she completely flashed the crowd. But have to think ratings may go up for her next race.

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Another Gold for the US in slopeside. It’s sort of like the World Cup, where most Americans will decide to care about the sport for a millesecond. Except that this time we are winning.

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Nothing against team ice skating. But can someone explain to me how it serves any purpose at all other than increasing Olympic television ratings?

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Oklahoma State basketball star Marcus Smart shoved a fan courtside who allegedly called him a racial slur. Smart, 19, has had off court issues and probably needs at least some anger management counseling. But he’s a teenager. Thinking a middle aged white guy should know better. Just because we have free speech doesn’t mean you have to be an a**hole.

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Nice to know the US doesn’t have a monopoly on hypocrisy. Mark Harper, British immigration minister, was behind a “go home’ campaign for illegal immigrants last year. He resigned after he allegedly just learned his housekeeper didn’t have papers to be in the country.

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V.P. Joe Biden recently compared La Guardia airport to what one might find “in a third world country.” Prompting demands for an apology – from third world countries.

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When your first plane pulls in 10 minutes early, you are one of first people off, walk quickly without a stop to your connecting flight and boarding is almost finished, United just MIGHT be over optimistic on their minimum connecting time. #notsofriendly

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Forget Team USA

February 8, 2014

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Have to root for Norway in curling if only to see what these guys might wear on the medal stand.

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There’s an allegation that the US and Russian figure skating judges are working together so the that Americans win the ice dancing event and Russia wins the pairs and team events. Why there is no satire? The allegations come from the French.

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Sage Kotsenburg won the first American gold medal at Sochi in slopestyle. Prompting two responses in this country. 1. USA! USA! USA! 2. What the heck is “slopestyle?”

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Still controversy on the “America the Beautiful” Coke ad. With comments from some haters like “This is the US, speak English.”. Though in that case shouldn’t we all be speaking, say, Navaho?

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Despite a glitch with only four Olympic rings during the Opening Ceremony most Russians on television were shown an edited version where an additional ring magically appeared. “You can do that?” said Peyton Manning.

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Who the heck knows the real truth with Woody Allen and Dylan Farrow. But one thing for sure, millions of Americans are now thinking their own families are so much less dysfunctional by comparison….

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A Northern California man who struck and killed a bicyclist is blaming the new-car smell of his Tesla Motors Model S for the accident, claiming the smell caused him to fall asleep at the wheel. Yet another case of #affluenza?

 

 

Eric Holder says the U.S. government will recognize same-sex marriages as equal to traditional marriages in all federal matters, including bankruptcies, prison visits and survivor benefits. Over-under on how many heads explode at FOX news this weekend?

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Charlie Crist, running for Governor of Florida, just came out against the Cuban embargo. “After more than 50 years of hoping the embargo would bring freedom to Cuba, it’s time to admit that it has failed. We should replace it with a policy that facilitates more trade and more exchange of ideas and values, while simultaneously keeping the pressure on the regime for their human rights violations.” Is Crist too reasonable for the state?

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Cheyenne Woods, Tiger’s niece, has a one shot lead going into the final round of the Australian Ladies’ Masters. They must be jumping up and down at ESPN at the prospect of putting Tiger Woods and tournament win into the same story.

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The Celebrity Boxing match between rapper DMX and George Zimmerman has been called off. The promoter said it was because there’s “more to life than money.” Or maybe George found out he couldn’t carry a concealed weapon in his boxing shorts?

 

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