Posted tagged ‘Michael Sam jokes’

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Up in smoke.

March 27, 2015

Oops, in Jakarta, an entire neighborhood apparently ended up getting high after police tried to destroy 1,000 pounds of marijuana….by burning it. Sounds like the Indonesian equivalent of a Grateful Dead concert.

 

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Tom Izzo, after Michigan State’s win to advance to the Elite Eight. ” As it should be, juniors and seniors come through in the tournament.” And John Calipari is just giggling.

 

But really, Michigan State,  with what many thought earlier was a too low #7 seed, is the biggest underdog left in March Madness?  A lot of dads have learned that if they want to see Cinderella this weekend, they’re going to have to take their kids to the Disney movie.

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Anyone besides me ready to go in for crowdfunding if some Wiccans want to open a restaurant in Indiana with a policy against serving homophobic a**holes?

 

 

Not that it’s likely. But would be fun to see what happens if EVERY gay worker in the state of Indiana, or better yet, anyone with an gay relative, walks off the job for one day.

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David Ortiz says he has never “knowingly” used steroids. Is Big Papi planning a future in politics?

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Who had ‪#‎Stanford‬ and #Arizona as the last ‪#‎Pac12‬ men’s basketball teams still playing at the end of the 2014-15 season? ‪#‎NIT‬ ‪#‎MarchMadness‬.

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Michael Sam to the Dallas Star-Telegram “I will never say anything about who [the gay players] are, what teams they are (on) I’m just saying there’s some famous people, and I’m not the only one.” In related news, did Sam also say “Water is wet.”?

 

Bill Littlejohn, on Tiger Woods saying he’s 50-50 for playing in the Masters: Does that mean 50 on the front nine, followed by 50 on the back?”

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Harry Reid has announced he will not run for re-election next year after he damaged his eye in an exercise accident. And Chris Christie is going “Exercise accident? That is one thing that will never happen if I am elected President.”

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Chicago prospect Kris Bryant says he’s ready for the majors. But Theo Epstein and the Cubs are saying he needs more time in the minors. And how can you argue against a franchise with such a tradition of winning?

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OU President David Boren said that fraternity members learned their racist chant at an SAE ” national leadership cruise” four years again. Okay, add a new one to the lexicon of oxymorons: “Fraternity leadership cruise.

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Michael Sam, after the veteran’s combine, said “Hopefully I’m not being discriminated [against] because I’m gay,” Now I want Sam to have a chance as much as anyone, but leaving homophobia aside, this year I think he’s being discriminated against because he runs a 4.99 40.

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Ellen Pao has lost her sexual discrimination lawsuit against Kleiner Perkins after the venture capital firm successfully contended that the reason she wasn’t promoted was that Pao was difficult and did not get along with colleagues.

Now, from what I’ve read, she doesn’t sound like the easiest co-worker. But if “difficult” and hard to get along with was reason for termination, my guess is that VC firms would have a lot of empty offices.

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Since Americans don’t tend to REALLY focus on things unless they affect us…here’s a very scary thought about that Germanwings pilot, buried way down in an article in a UK (Daily Mail) paper as reported from Germany “He always wanted to fly long distance, above all to San Francisco. ”

 

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Up to date in Kansas City.

October 21, 2014

Really good of ‪#‎JoeBuck‬ to educate us repeatedly on how the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are without ‪#‎AngelPagan‬, a vital part of their team. ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

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A few weeks after Matt Cain’s perfect game in 2012 I got upgraded on a plane and seated next to Karl Ravech. Told him that as impressive as Cain was, along with Cy Young winner Lincecum, I didn’t think either of them would end up being the best of the Giants’ current pitchers. Might not have been my worst hunch ever. ‪#‎Madbum‬.

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Really a shame ‪#‎WorldSeries‬ game 1 is in an American League park. ‪#‎Madbum‬ is probably upset that he hasn’t had a chance to bat. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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And we thought Jeter was precocious? ‪#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ turned 25 on Aug 1. he is pitching in his third ‪#‎WorldSeries‬. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Is ‪#‎BusterPosey‬ trying to set a record for being thrown out at home in the postseason? ‪

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The Kansas City Royals are a great story. But as to the die-hard long-suffering fan narrative? The team ranked 25th in attendance this year. 25th. ‪#‎bandwagon‬ ‪#‎Worldseries‬

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Dallas has waived ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ from their practice squad. Well, at least I can go back to hating the ‪#‎Cowboys‬ again.

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Taylor Swift is now doing marketing promos for Subway. How long until she breaks off the partnership and writes a song about it for Quiznos?

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Anthony Weiner told Politico that his career in politics  “is probably over.”‘ What was his first clue?

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Tim Tebow, on the woeful Florida Gators: “One of the biggest problems on the offense is leadership.” And fans are thinking “What leadership?”

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In Florida, there’s a lot of voting by mail. One contentious issue this year is “Amendment 2,” which would legalize medical marijuana. It’s expected to be close — advocates are just hoping many supporters send their ballots back BEFORE the election.

(as my friend Jim M.. says “Dude, where’s my vote?”)

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Oscar Pistorius was sentenced to five years for killing his girlfriend. Under South African law, after 10 months, 1/6 of his sentence, he can ask for house arrest. When all this is over wonder Oscar’s friends have warned him not to come to the U.S. and steal any of his memorabilia…

 

 

 

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Love it. Rwanda’s Ministry of Health will screen all visitors who have been in the United States or Spain 22 days before arrival. Travelers will have their temperatures taken and anyone with a fever will be denied entry; others will have to report their health daily. Maybe to be safe the rest of the world should start quarantining Texans?

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Legendary Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee, 93, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there was a time when people actually got their news from newspapers, and when we were shocked that politicians really were crooks,

 

 

Had Renee Zellwegger had her work done during the filming of Jerry Maguire, the movie might have ended, “Hello, I’m looking for my wife…. Uh, who the hell are you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Cowboy up?

September 3, 2014

Michael Sam has joined the Cowboys  practice squad. Suppose Brokeback Mountain jokes would be inappropriate.

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The Dallas Cowboys actually had a press conference to announce the signing of Michael Sam. Over the top?   Maybe, but these are the Cowboys. it might be the only press conference all year where they have something positive to talk about.

 

It will be great when “openly gay” player joins “fill-in-the-blank” team becomes a non-story. The same way “openly black” player is now a non-story. But we need the stories to get to the non-story.

 

 

NY Jets practice squad WR Quincy Enunwa was arrested after an alleged domestic dispute last Sunday. Maybe Enunwa is trying too hard to prove he is really NFL ready.

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Is it just me or are a lot of the people responding to the picture hacking scam by saying “Don’t take naked pictures” the same people who you really don’t want to see naked?

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Wow. Not the Onion. ESPN reports that 1.3% of fantasy football teams own Tim Tebow. Of course some of these fantasy owners who have Tebow are probably the same folks who win the NCAA March Madness pool by picking colors.

 

From my comedy writing friend Dhaya Lakshiminarayanan – I’d say George Clooney, but she might be onto something.  “The reason we need more women in computer science is so female hackers can hack into icloud to give us hot naked pics of Channing Tatum.”

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CVS has stopped selling tobacco products. Not sure how it will affect their bottom line but at least it will eliminate the long slow lines getting longer and slower when the clerk has to go get the requested cigarettes out of the cases.

 

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Tom Brady on potential retirement ” ‘When I suck, I’ll retire.” Think we have a contender for the most likely sign to be seen in the stands when the Patriots are on the road.

 

The Cleveland Browns have apparently told Brian Hoyer he IS their starting QB, it’s “his offense,” and that it’s not going to be a quick hook.” Translation, Hoyer’s job is safe for at least one quarter.

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Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson on ISIS/ISIL “I’d much rather have a Bible study with all of them and show them the error of their ways and point them to Jesus Christ. However, if it’s a gunfight and a gunfight alone, if that’s what they’re looking for, me personally, I am prepared for either one.” Suppose it’s wrong of me to ask, anyone want to take up a collection to send Robertson over there to try?

 

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Ah September, when the sting of an ugly 9-2 #SFGiants loss can almost be erased by an 14 inning 8-5 #Dodgers loss.

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–All these pennant races and it was the #Diamondbacks vs #Padres on Wed. night baseball. #ESPN must really want to get us in the mood for #NFL football.

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What me worry? Coors Field safe leads and other myths.

September 3, 2014

coors

Leads are so unsafe at Coors Field that you don’t even need a voodoo cat.  But one can help.   (SF Giants down 6-0, won 12-7)

Meanwhile, anyone seen the #CoorsField humidor repairman? #SFGiants #Rockies

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ESPN reporting the Cowboys are is bringing in Michael Sam for a physical Wednesday, and they hope to sign him to the Dallas practice squad. Not sure who will have a harder time, Cowboys fans who are homophobic and can’t stand the idea of rooting for a gay man, or gay-friendly liberals who can’t stand the idea of rooting for Dallas.

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The NY Yankees announced that the entire team will wear a patch honoring Derek Jeter’s final-season logo on their hats and uniforms from Sept. 7 through the end of the season. Gosh. I know I’ve been busy and probably missed the initial coverage, but just how many months does poor Jeter have left to live?

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From Alex Kaseberg.  “The New York Yankees will mark the rest of the year by wearing Derek Jeter patches on their hats and uniforms. In addition, the clubhouse will feature Alex Rodriguez toilet paper.”

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No joke, the owner of a shooting range where a 9 year old girl accidentally killed her instructor with an Uzi said shooting the gun was “something that was high on her bucket list to do.” A bucket list? At 9? Maybe because with this kind of stupidity from her parents none of them will live to be old?

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Another air rage incident over reclining seats results in a plane being diverted, this time Delta. Of course, the airlines could avoid these issues by putting their seats far enough apart for average humans…. Or more likely they’ll start training their flight crews in the use of handcuffs.

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The state of Colorado isn’t taking in as much in taxes on legalized marijuana as expected. On the other hand, law enforcement costs must be down. And is the state figuring in taxes from increased tourism, and sales taxes on junk food?

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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh was asked if he had a comment on the 49ers’ NFL-leading 10 arrests since 2012, and responded, “We’re going to do everything in our power to make sure there isn’t a pattern forming.” Uh, coach, there’s ALREADY a pattern forming.

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Stanford beat UC Davis 45-0 last Saturday and fell two places in the Coaches’ Poll. Clearly they should have held the Aggies to negative points.

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The NFL has apparently suspended Wes Welker four games for use of amphetamines. Let the “tainted supplement” whining begin, again.

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So the story is that Wes Welker allegedly took MDMA (Molly) while attending the Kentucky Derby in May. How stupid can he be if so. The official mind-altering drug of choice during the Derby is always the Mint Julep.

 

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It’s now the “USA Today AMWAY Top 25 Coaches Poll.” Once again, can’t imagine how college football players get the idea playing the sport should be about money.

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My friend Jon N. says “Actually, Amway only named the top five. Then each of those five had to select five. Then, by adding more levels, everyone enjoys greater success!”

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Justin Bieber was arrested again this weekend while vacationing  in Ontario, Canada. Bieber was charged for dangerous driving and assault after his ATV allegedly collided with a minivan. Clearly another international incident that is a failure of Obama’s leadership…. Time to secure that Northern Border.

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Cupcake factory

August 30, 2014

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Stanford Stadium, start of the second half.  The stadium was about 2/3 full. But Stanford fans  proving they are smart enough to get out of the sun.  (Shady side was SRO.)

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38 to 0 Stanford over UCDavis at half time.  45 to 0 final. Not sure if there will be a rematch. At this point Davis is probably fielding half a dozen offers for future games from teams in the SEC .

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Good for Wisconsin for playing LSU opening weekend. But the Badgers’ 4th quarter collapse probably means their long shot hopes for this year’s BCS playoffs are already done. There has to be a better way. #Toomanycupcakes

 

 

Michael Sam released by the St. Louis Rams in their final cuts.  Good news for #ESPN who can now make their story, “Same circus, different elephants.” #notrunkjokesplease

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Michael Sam’s dream isn’t over. He could still be picked up off waivers by another NFL team.  Or maybe even the Raiders.

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Rep. Peter King said that Obama’s tan suit during a press conference was a metaphor for a “lack of seriousness.” Uh, and maybe really caring about the color of the President’s suit is a metaphor for a lack of a brain?

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Ghostbusters is having their 30th anniversary weekend. So now “Who you gonna call? really means “Do you remember who you were gonna call?

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The San Antonio Spurs are amongst the teams trying to sign Ray Allen, Guess the NBA champions figure it’s time for a youth movement.

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A mom from Bremerton, Washington, was sentenced to serve at least a year in jail after her 9-year-old son took a gun to his school, and had it go off in his backpack, injuring an 8-year-old classmate. More of this kind of sentence and just MAYBE more people will be more careful with their firearms? #wecandream

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In a NY Times story about Las Vegas tourist gun ranges, a “range safety officer” is quoted as saying that more than half the tourists “haven’t seen a gun before, much less handled one. You have to ease their fears and you do that by highlighting the safety features. If they do anything wrong, you will be there to correct them.”   Yeah, that worked out so well last week.

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Cutting truth?

August 29, 2014

Joan Rivers is in a medically induced coma following cardiac arrest and at this point doctors aren’t sure if she will recover. If she doesn’t survive, however, at least they won’t need any additional embalming fluid.

 

5 cuts to go and Michael Sam is still on the #Rams roster. Of course, this would have been easier for Sam if he were drafted by a team with more arrests and suspensions.

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Hillary Clinton seems to be trying to distance herself from President Obama. Today she was saying “Don’t wear stupid suits.”

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With her first child due this fall, Chelsea Clinton has quit her reporter job. Many Americans are shocked. Chelsea Clinton had a reporter job?

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USC coach Steve Sarkisian indefinitely suspended Josh Shaw for lying, but today when asked if the star CB could be reinstated responded “”Potentially, sure. Potentially, sure.” As in potentially for the Sept 6. Stanford game?

 

The Indianapolis $tar reports that Colt$ owner Jim Ir$ay has reached a plea deal with his DUI and felony drug po$$e$$ion case. Now let’$ $ee what kind of deal Ir$ay can work out with NFL commi$$ioner Roger Goodell.

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The latest GOP attack in Louisiana is that Senator Mary Landrieu is apparently registered to vote at the New Orleans house where her parents live. Guess she have registered her address as a hotel like President George H.W. Bush, or a vacation home like Dick Cheney?

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Temple 37, Vanderbilt 7 last night? Vandy is actually part of the SEC. And looking like part of a plan where teams won’t have to go out of conference to schedule cupcakes.

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The NFL said they will not fine Ndamukong Suh for roughing Jacksonville QB Chad Henne last Friday. Guess they figure they’ll pull in enough money from Suh during the regular season.

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Tony Stewart will race again this weekend, and says that the “tragedy” of hitting Kevin Ward Jr. will “affect my life forever.” Well, it certainly affected Ward’s.

 

Ah the laws of unintended conseqences. The Satanic Temple just announced that based on the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision, their believers should be exempt from any state’s informed consent laws that require women considering abortions to read pro-life material.

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From Bill Littlejohn.  ” This year, Jacksonville Jaguars  season ticket holders get a half-price  concealed weapon permit deal.  I think we can all hope they don’t offer that deal to Raider fans.”

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We don’t need another (fake) hero?

August 27, 2014

Theories abound as to how exactly #USC star Josh Shaw broke his ankles. One thing for sure, since the Trojans play in Palo Alto Sept 6, the Stanford band is working overtime.

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Great story about USC star CB Josh Shaw injuring his ankles by leaping from balcony to save his 7-year-old nephew from drowning. Except now have heard a rumor that it was just that, a story. Only good thing if this disappointing rumor is true – I don’t have to make an exception and root for a Trojan player.

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Another thought about this unraveling “hero” story involving USC star Josh Shaw. Leaving aside the moral issues, how does any young man in this plugged-in 24/7 era think that you can lie about ANYTHING when you’re in the public eye and get away with it? And some wonder where athletes get their #dumbjock reputations.

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My son says #Traveler is no longer the biggest #Trojanhorse at #USC. #JoshShaw

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The tortured turf saga at the SF 49ers new Levi’s Stadium continues, as the grass has had to be ripped out and replaced again. Who designed this field, the Marquis de Sod?

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Got to love Rams DE #ChrisLong, tweeting in response to ridiculous ESPN #MichaelSam shower story. “Dear ESPN, Everyone but you is over it.”

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The Chicago Cubs are going to call up Cuban outfielder Jorge Soler. Which will be one step closer to Soler’s dream of playing for a major league team.

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In Arizona, a nine-year old girl accidentally shot and killed the instructor who was teaching her how to use an Uzi. I’m guessing the girl didn’t get a passing grade. #ifonlyhehadbeenarmed.

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NFL Nation Confidential asked over 100 players “The only way I’d play for (team name) is if they doubled my salary. The Raiders “won” with 23% followed by the Bills at 19%. Of course that might be because many players forgot there was a team in Buffalo.

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Apparently some are screaming sexism for an Emmy awards bit when Sofia Vergara stood on a rotating pedestal doing nothing but looking sexy during a speech from the chair of the Television Academy. Really?! But okay, it would be fair next year to use the pedestal for George Clooney.

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This story over passengers being kicked off a plane for a fight over a device to keep a seat from reclining is going viral. United meanwhile is no doubt figuring out how to optimize revenue from the situation in future – perhaps they’ll have passengers bid to see how much it’s worth to recline a seat, and how much to keep the seat in front of you upright?

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So Warren Buffett is involved in this potential Burger King – Tim Horton inversion deal. Since Buffett also advocates for higher taxes and closing loopholes once this deal gets done will he call for changing the tax rules afterwards?

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Told by an idiot

August 24, 2014

Did Shakespeare envision NFL preseason football when he wrote “sound and fury, signifying nothing?”

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A chef in China decapitated a rare Indochinese spitting cobra to make a snake soup, and the severed head bit him with a fatal dose of venom. Now that’s “Die Hard, with a Vengeance.”

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Why there is no satire? A young woman who won the title of Miss Antioquia was stripped of her crown and kicked out of the Miss Colombia pageant after online pictures showed her in an overly skimpy bikini. As opposed to the skimpy bikini which she was supposed to wear in the pageant?

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Bud Selig when asked about what he will do about Pete Rose “I’m going to do what I think is right.” What, no blue ribbon committee?

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Congratulations to the Chicago Little League team for getting to the LLWS finals. Who knows if they can beat South Korea tomorrow. But Vegas already has them favored in a hypothetical matchup with the Cubs.

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Minnesota scored 32 against Detroit in two games. Time for the Tigers to fire their defensive coordinator?

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The Oakland Athletics are checking out the possibility of building a new stadium on their Coliseum site. Sounds good, but as far as where they play while they’re building, has anyone thought about holding off on pushing that plunger at Candlestick.

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Bud Selig, dodging a question about Pete Rose. “You are always concerned about integrity. A sport without integrity is not a sport.” And over at the BCS they’re just giggling.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach  – “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”

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The Pentagon is complaining that in 2014 there have been at least 4 times that a Chinese warplane has buzzed U.S. military aircraft. The Chinese Defense Ministry said the criticism is “totally groundless.” Would they have preferred the US made Asian driver jokes?

 

 

 

Michael Sam sacked Johnny Manziel tonight. In what must have been a very tough moment for anyone who was both tired of Johnny Football’s act and a homophobe.

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But was the sack enough to keep Michael on the team?  So that we can all write the headline  “Sam I Ram.”

 

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I’ll be watching you…maybe.

July 23, 2014

So there were NYPD officers working graveyard shifts in four marked cars at the Brooklyn Bridge while the lights were dimmed and white flags were raised Monday night. None of them noticed anything. And the NY Daily news quotes a police source as saying none of them will be disciplined. Well, not like anything really bad could have happened…

 

 

A man claims he was kicked off a Southwest flight in Denver after he tweeted a complaint over a gate agent not allowing his daughters to board early with him. He claims he won’t fly the airline again. Well, and hey, why not, when he can take advantage of the great customer service at Denver from United….

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Mark McGwire says of Jose Canseco. “I don’t care to ever speak to him again.” Well, of course not, Canseco’s in the past.

 

St. Louis CF John Jay tonight struck out on a 4-2 count. That’s bad. What’s worse, no one in the Cardinals dugout, including the manager, noticed it. #whoneedsmath?

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18 runs given up in two days?  All of a sudden #Dodgers pitching is looking like maybe Josh Beckett’s been bringing beer and chicken back into the Clubhouse #sfgiants

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Cameron Maybin has been suspended for 25 games for testing positive for amphetamines. But come on, it’s the San Diego Padres. Couldn’t Maybin have used the excuse he needed the drugs to stay awake?

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Wednesday Alabama coach Nick Saban talked about his team’s loss to Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl and said it was a challenge to “try to play in a consolation game.” Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of college football players as egotistical babies.

(Also, for the uninitiated, please note. The Sugar Bowl, with a $17 million per team payout, is not a consolation game. Now, the “AdvoCare V100 Bowl” just might be a consolation game….)

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Eagles tackle Lane Johnson is the latest NFL player suspended four games for PED’s. Johnson said in a statement he “mistakenly and foolishly” took a prescription drug in April and failed to clear it with the Eagles’ athletic trainers or check the banned substance list. Just once would be nice to hear someone say, “Yeah, I was cheating and got busted.”

 

Another thought about all these NFL players who plead ignorance when they get caught for PED’s. Wouldn’t you think if they were smart enough to read their playbooks, they’d be smart enough to read the the rules and their drug labels?

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‘What if I decide to run?’: Michele Bachmann saying she might try for Presidency again in 2016. Comedy writers: “Thank you Jesus.”

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You have been warned.  From Alex Kaseberg.  “‘Comic Con’ begins in San Diego on Thursday, so get your computers and internet servers fixed now.”

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So what does Rick Perry have against all these kids? The Texas governor doesn’t want more people in America who can embarrass him by counting to three?

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California’s teen birthrate has fallen 63% since 1990, the biggest drop of any state in the country. Instead of “Abstinence Only” education, California has chosen comprehensive sex education, and increased access for teens to contraceptives. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

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From T.C.  ” The #1 selling NFL jersey today is Johnny Manziel. Sitting at #5 is Michael Sam. Neither one of them has yet to play a down in the league. That should be enough to bring Brett Favre out of retirement again.”

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Portrait in lack of courage?

July 21, 2014

Former NFL coach Tony Dungy said he wouldn’t have taken Michael Sam in the draft “Not because I don’t believe (he) should have a chance to play, but I wouldn’t want to deal with all of it. It’s not going to be totally smooth … things will happen.” But Dungy is also the man who does prison ministry, and who mentored Michael Vick while in prison. Somewhere Jesus really is weeping.

 

#RichardSherman‘s celebrity softball game drew over 22,000 to #SafecoField.   That’s only about 1,000 people less than the average Mariners home game.  #nojoke.

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New York Yankees just announced that the “official” game honoring Derek Jeter will be Sept. 7. Did no one in the front office see the All Star game?

 

The SF Giants were down 4-3 in the 4th inning, and the Phillies had runners on 1st and 3rd with no outs. Thinking not even Pete Rose would have bet that Philly was done scoring.

 

 

Box Score #SFGiants 7-15-1, #Phillies 4-14-0. Without watching you know this was not a thing of beauty. But #awinisawin

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#SFGiants have agreed to terms with Dan Uggla. Some concern as to whether he can still hit major league pitching. But hey, the Giants know for sure that some of their current lineup can’t.

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Odrisamer Despaigne came within four outs yesterday of throwing the first no-hitter in San Diego’s 46 year history. And Padres pitchers have the added handicap of not being able to pitch against own team.

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Jameis Winston said in an FSU pre-season press conference that this year he knows he has “to live up to the hype.” And presumably get his seafood from the training table.

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Facebook is adding a new “Facebook Save” feature for people to file interesting “items that you find on Facebook to check out later when you have more time.” “When you have more time?!” Translation for a lot of people, when they’ve retired and Facebook is long gone?

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A volunteer California policewoman was put on leave after she posted an-anti bike video rant on YouTube, including asking a man who much she’d have to pay him to run a cyclist over. The caption “Like you’ve never thought about it.” She has apologized and said it was satire. Fair enough, but for a COP to post it?   Apparently SHE never thought about it.

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Tough times in Washington. President Obama has to decide what actions to take against Russia, And then the GOP has to immediately decide how those actions are wrong.

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It was an American conspiracy to start a war with Russia. …The Ukraine military thought they were shooting down Putin’s plane…. Or MH17 is really MH370, and it took off “full of corpses….”

Even Fox News is bowing to the creativity of some Russian conspiracy theories….

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Lost and Found.

May 14, 2014

An underwater explorer believes he has found and identified the wreck of Christopher Columbus’ flagship, the Santa Maria. And CNN responded “How are you on planes?”

 

The Los Angeles Clippers played that last minute of their playoff game like they just want to go home and stop dealing with basketball. Can’t imagine why.

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Donald Sterling’s most recent interview talking about Magic Johnson is a perfect paraphrase for an old adage. Better to be thought an ignorant a**hole, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

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The #Pacers are playing some of these NBA playoff games like a team with nonrefundable vacation plans for Memorial Day weekend. #Wizards

 

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The widow of the driver in the crash that killed Paul Walker is suing Porsche. Guess she thinks they should have built something into the car to keep it from going 94 MPH on city streets?

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Phillies manager Ryne Sandberg and Mets 1b Lucas Duda said they think a hamburger from Shake Shack at Citi Field gave them food poisoning this weekend. Is that going to be the Yankees’ excuse?.

 

Justin Bieber now being investigated for attempted robbery? So is it robbery when you sell CD’s and downloads that are allegedly music?

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A thought about some of these people who were uncomfortable with Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend. Have to wonder if there would have been the same reaction had say, a very attractive WNBA draftee kissed her equally attractive girlfriend?

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Rutgers dismissed incoming QB Philip Nelson, who has been charged with assault for allegedly critically injuring another man by kicking him in the head. Wonder how good a QB Nelson is, which might determine how quickly some other team will call him a “troubled young man” and give him another chance

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The latest rumor on Stan Van Gundy is that he may take the Pistons job, and that he will get a fair amount of operations and personnel control. The most disappointed people? Comedy writers who were hoping he’d sign on with the Golden State Warriors and Joe Lacob with that expectation.

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Fox News reports that a UCLA professor is alleging racial bias in admissions in favor of African-Americans. The current enrollment at the university is 1,082 African-American/Black, or 3.8% of the total. Counting athletes. If admissions is really trying to be biased they’re not doing much of a job.

 

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Fortunately, there were no injuries Tuesday at the Seattle Airport when passengers were deplaning a Southwest flight and a jet bridge dropped several feet. United would have charged them a “thrill ride” fee.

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Teddy Bridgewater, who seems like a nice young man, is now saying he didn’t want to be drafted by the Browns. What’s the point of that statement? Just gives another team a reason to try to pound you into the ground. At least the Vikings don’t play Cleveland this year.

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Alec Baldwin was cited for riding his bike the wrong way on a New York City street, and then arrested when he allegedly became belligerent and abusive with the police. Then he ranted “How old are these officers? They don’t even know who I am.” Guessing the cops knew EXACTLY who Baldwin was…and that might have been why they arrested him when he played the DYKWIA card

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At #ATTPark workers wear gloves to make giant hot fudge ice cream sundaes. Because the #SFGiants would hate for those sundaes to be unhealthy for you?

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Mike Minor comes into game with 6.75 era. So of course #SFGiants can’t hit him. #turningbadpitchersintoCyYoung.

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A kiss is still a kiss?

May 12, 2014

Okay, I get it, gay relationships make some people uncomfortable. But those who think ESPN showing Michael Sam kissing his BOYFRIEND sets a bad example for children seem to have no problem with pictures of Johnny Manziel partying with several scantily clad women.

 

In an effort to mock Michelle Obama’s #Bringbackourgirls campaign Ann Coulter tweeted a photo of herself holding a #Bringbackourcountry sign. And photoshoppers are proving that it is possible for a 52 year old woman to underestimate technology as badly as an 80 year old NBA owner.

 

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Clay AIken was leading his Democratic Congressional primary opponent by a few hundred votes and the race was heading for a recount. But Keith Crisco, 71, died after a fall at his home. Does this mean God is a member of the gay mafia?

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Oscar Pistorius’s defense team is now arguing that the former Olympic star has “anxiety issues” Right, like Pistorius is anxious now that he may spend the rest of his life in jail.

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So who’s going to fix #SolangeKnowles up on a blind date with #ChrisBrown?

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A Mankato, Minnesota man is in critical condition after a alleged assault by former Minnesota QB Philip Nelson, who just had transferred to Rutgers. Sounds like Nelson’s next transfer will be from the Scarlet Knights to the Mean Machine (the team in the Longest Yard.)

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The Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam says the team has told Johnny Manziel to start acting “like a backup quarterback.” So will Manziel now seek to trademark “Johnny Clipboard?”

 

How many people heard that #TylerColvin hit a home run and wondered “For which team?” #SFGiants

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Donald Sterling, on the apology trail – “Am I entitled to one mistake?” One mistake, maybe. One mistake on top of several racial discrimination lawsuits…. not so much.

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#DonaldSterling “I am not a racist.” I think I like “I was pushed into a lifeboat” better.

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The #SFGiants, who were going to miss Jose Fernandez during the Marlins visit to SF, were sorry to hear the young Miami ace has been placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained elbow. Especially since Fernandez’s next start was against the Dodgers.

 

Move over Matt Cain. Jeff Samardzija has you beat. The Chicago Cubs beat the St. Louis Cardinals tonight 17-5. Samardzija, 0-3, has a 1.45 ERA. In his 8 starts, the Cubs have scored 15 runs.

 

Great quote from  #SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy about Pablo Sandoval, who he batted in the cleanup sport Sunday despite a .173 average.  “He asked me how much I had to drink last night.”

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To tweet or not to tweet?

May 11, 2014

The Dolphins said they will “sit down” with player Don Jones after he tweeted a negative reaction when the Rams drafted Michael Sam. Okay, I get that people have feelings and prejudices. But how in this day and age is an NFL player stupid enough to put it out on social media?

 

 

How much trouble could be avoided with pro athletes if Twitter had an app saying “Would your mother approve of this tweet? #HappyMothersDay

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Apparently some people did have a problem with ESPN showing Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend. Maybe they were disappointed the network didn’t show A.J. McCarron kissing Katherine Webb?

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NFL players have the right to believe whatever they want about sex and sexual orientation. But can’t remember any of them making a negative public statement about a teammate who was accused of rape or domestic violence

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From Alex Kaseberg “Happy Mother’s Day. Today hundreds of NBA players look at their ringing phones and mutter; “I’m not gonna take this one.” #MothersDay

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Walgreen’s today had a large display of Mother’s Day bouquets for $9.99 by the cash register. Which presumably went perfectly with that card you forgot and also stopped into Walgreen’s to buy.

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Anyone who says baseball players aren’t manly men, I give you Aroldis Chapman, back on the mound less than 2 months after being struck in the face by one of his 100 mph fastballs lined back at him. And he got the save for the Reds.

 

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Wonder how many people turned off the Clippers game when the Thunder had a huge lead and the Dodgers-Giants game when Kershaw had a one-run lead?

 

#SFGIants. Until further notice, #Pablosandoval is only allowed to hit with a pink bat.

(Until today, this from Andrew Baggerly on Sandoval “He has come to bat with 86 runners on base and driven in four of them.”   The Panda drove in 2 with his pink bat.)

 

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Although original rumors said Shane Skov was going to the Oakland Raiders, Skov himself tweeted that he signed as an undrafted free agent with the 49ers instead. Makes sense, he IS from Stanford, the guy is supposed to be smart.

 

“Nashville” has been renewed by ABC.  Yes!  Yes! Yes!  #Guiltypleasures

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Sam I Ram.

May 10, 2014

Sign of progress, it seemed absolutely irrelevant today that Michael Sam’s boyfriend is white. #Thetimestheyareachanging #MichaelSa

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A thought about Michael Sam being drafted. Yeah, maybe some in the media are making too much of it. But changes don’t get to be small deals without the first ones being big deals.

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CNN commentator Margaret Hoover, on the Rams’ drafting Michael Sam, that she hopes the message will be for high school kids that “they don’t have to be afraid of choosing to be gay or choosing their dream in sportsmanship and professional sports.”   Just like Jackie Robinson helped kids not be afraid of choosing to be black.

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A.J. McCarron, who is now engaged to Katherine Webb, has been chosen in the NFL draft by Cincinnati. And Brent Musberger has already inquired about broadcasting Bengals games.

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Today is Mother’s Day. Or as they say in the NBA “So many women, so little time.”

 

–It may be “No Country for Old Men” but it sure is a Western Conference Semifinals for old men. #Spurs

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#SFGiants Pablo Sandoval has as much a chance of getting a hit w/ 2 strikes now as Donald Sterling does of getting another NAACP award.

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For the second time in 3 days, planes have hit birds at LaGuardia Airport. No injuries were reported. “Speak for yourselves,” say relatives of the birds.

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Elin Nordegren, speaking at her Rollins College graduation, mentioned that her divorce “was right after I had taken communication and the media… I probably should have taken more notes in that class.” Tiger is just glad Elin wasn’t taking lessons in how to swing a golf club.

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A South Carolina high school teacher has been accused of having sex with three different students in one day. Clearly these budget cutbacks have our educators stretched too thin.

 

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Headline “IndyCar Grand Prix of Indianapolis Marred by Huge Crash.” And a lot of casual racing fans are thinking “Marred?”

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The NBA apparently believes it can also remove Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly from ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers. If private phone conversations are a problem, how much more slippery a slope is being married to an a**hole?

 

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Damages.

February 27, 2014

Richie Incognito apparently bashed his own Ferrari with a baseball bat. Did he tell police responding to the report of a damaged vehicle that he and the car were the best of pals?

 

On March 15, the San Diego Padres are offering free season tickets to fans who can hit a home run at Petco Park off the team’s pitching machine. And considering the way the team has hit lately, winning fans may also be offered a free-agent contract.

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A $60 million Texas high school stadium located in a suburb of Dallas will be shutdown INDEFINITELY due to “extensive cracking” in the concourse concrete. Wow. This could be the biggest waste of football money in town not affiliated with the Cowboys roster.

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Paula Dean “I feel like ’embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out,” Even Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson is thinking “Sweet Jesus, that woman is dumb.”

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The folks behind Kentucky’s “Creation Museum” are now moving ahead with “Ark Encounter” a theme park built around a 510-foot replica of Noah’s Ark, which will also present a biblical version of history. How long until they run into copyright infringement from Disney? Isn’t “Fantasyland” already taken?

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The CFL Montreal Alouettes released WR Arland Bruce, after he was fined last month by the league for comments about Michael Sam. Bruce tweeted that Sam should “man up, get on his knees and submit to God fully.” Leaving aside the stupidity and homophobia, was that really the best choice of words? #bustohell

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United Airlines is now allowing passengers to pre-book Direct TV on flights for only $4.99, a savings of $3. No doubt the airline figures they’ll make bonus money when passengers don’t bother to ask for a refund on all the times the inflight TV doesn’t work.

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American Airlines is dropping bereavement fares, saying they are making the change “to have a single, consistent program for American and US Airways.” (US Airways didn’t have such fares.) Amazing how in airline mergers the new “consistent” program is always the one that costs consumers more…..

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The GOP is complaining about military budget cuts, but they just scuttled Bernie Sanders’ bill to improve services for veterans. Largely because the Democrats wouldn’t add sanctions to Iran as part of the bill. And because anything President Obama backs must be wrong.

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Finally, from Alex Kaseberg, an open letter:

“Dear Rest of the U.S:

We hear you have had some severe weather this winter, so we would like to ask you some questions. Today, we woke up and there was a liquid-like substance actually falling from the sky. Here is my question: Is it OK to leave the house?

Yours Truly,

California”

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Who’s not looking at you, kid?

February 12, 2014

More on the showering with a gay teammate issue. What is it about some straight men that makes them think all gay men would find them attractive? I suppose the same thing that makes some men think all women find them attractive.

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New Orleans Saints LB Jonathan Vilma, who originally made what seemed like homophobic comments about showering with a gay teammate, now has given a long convoluted apology. Translation – someone probably got a call from pro-gay rights QB – and team captain – Drew Brees.

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Shirley Temple has passed away. And millions of younger Americans wonder why her parents named her after a drink.

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So at least for now we lose the only real live drama of NBC’s primetime Olympics show – Just how much weirder looking could poor Bob Costas get with his pink eye infection? Costa sat out at least Tuesday’s coverage.

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NBC every night what they perceive to be the best for last with their primetime 8-11pm Olympic coverage. Which means that folks in the generation least likely to have seen the results online have probably been in bed for hours.

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Tuesday silver lining?   Americans can stop pretending to care about halfpipe.

A “historic ice storm” is supposed to hit Atlanta and potentially leave many without power for days. So where are all those fire and brimstone types who like to blame natural disasters on God’s wrath when those disasters happen to Red states?

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Hundreds of flights are being cancelled this week in Charlotte, Dallas and Atlanta due to the latest storm. Looks like if the NFL decides to avoid cold weather cities for future Super Bowls they’re going to have to expand the blacklist.

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If NBC broadcast the Super Bowl guess we would have seen brief tape-delayed highlights of the game between 8p-11p, sandwiched between commercials and human interest stories about Peyton Manning and Richard Sherman?

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Mark Adams, IOC spokesman, regarding complaints about the halfpipe, which some athletes called “sand and mush.” “There is no problem at all with the halfpipe itself, it is just that these are dynamic living fields of play.” “Dynamic living fields of play?” And officials at Candlestick Park are going “Why didn’t we think of that?”

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Well, at least some in the GOP are consistent. Florida Governor Rick Scott, asked directly if he supported an increase in the minimum wage. “If the President really cared about people making minimum wage he’d repeal Obamacare.”

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An explosion at a Pakistan porn movie theater killed 11 and injured 30. No word on how many of the men hospitalized will survive their wives finding out where they were.

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28 Republicans joined with Democrats in the House to pass a clean debt-limit bill today. I blame Obama.

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Georgia Governor Nathan Deal suggests that if power goes out throughout the state, residents should “read a book.” And Georgians under 25 responded “What’s a book?

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Closing this blog on a sad note.  Just heard of the passing of Keith Hillyard suddenly of a heart attack on January 21.  I never met Keith, he was a retired DJ in New Mexico, but he liked my jokes and read my blog regularly. . And a few times a year he’d add a comment, often something funny.

On January 20, he sent me the following.  “With teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl, apparently they’re resurrecting the “Weed Eater” Bowl.”

Keith was only 63, and apparently a serious Denver Broncos fan.  At  least he lived before having to watch this year’s game..

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Fears and jeers.

February 10, 2014

What’s the big deal? NFL players have been showering with rapists, adulterers, potential murderers and at least one dog-killer. And a gay guy is supposed to freak them out?

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Another reason to congratulate Michael Sam. He helped knock A-Rod out of the sports headlines.

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Forget these anonymous wimps saying it would be a problem. If some current NFL player wants to show real courage, perhaps it’s time to stand up and show Michael Sam that he won’t be the first openly gay guy in the league.

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As if we needed more proof that women are tougher than men: Female athletes have been showering with openly gay teammates and competitors for decades and surviving just fine.

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And of course we all knew the NFL completely fell apart once they allowed women reporters in the locker room. Oops, never mind. #Michaelsam #getoverit

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Going out on a limb here and saying that Jadeveon Clowney will eventually prove to be more of a distraction in an NFL locker room than Michael Sam.

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And the whole thing brings to mind the 2010 interview when Willie Mays, then 79 years old, was asked if baseball was ready for an openly gay player.  His three word response  “Can he hit?”

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Reportedly Arnold Schwarzenegger is thinking about challenging the Constitution and trying to run for President in 2016. Leaving the issue of his birthplace again, Arnold couldn’t even be re-elected as Governor of California.

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Okay, this is the gold medal story to disprove the axiom that one should never rejoice in the deaths of others. 21 Iraqis were killed today during an accident at a training camp for suicide bombers.

As T.C. says “class dismissed.”

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Those Christmas sweater Team USA uniforms have sold out online. At $595 for the sweater alone. Guess H.L. Mencken once again has been proved right. “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

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Olympics t-shirt I want to see. “Curlers get their rocks off.” 

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The individual events haven’t even begun yet and there’s already controversy in figure skating, first with allegations of a conspiracy between the Russian and US judges, and then amazingly high scores given to local favorite Evgeni Plushenko’s performance on Sunday. Well, at least the sport is already in mid-Olympic form.

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One man out.

February 10, 2014

Moron of the day award goes to the unnamed NFL player personnel assistant who said about Michael Sam’s coming out. “It’d chemically imbalance an NFL locker room and meeting room.” Right. Like a Missouri team that was 5-7 in 2012 was “chemically imbalanced” in 2013 enough to finish the year 10-2.

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Good for Michael Sam. Of course must be honest. Personally probably have less prejudice against a gay player than a player from the SEC.

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More kudos. To Michael Sam’s Missouri teammates. Sounds like they were supportive but whatever their feelings, none of them let anything slip to the media. #teamwork

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In honor of #MichaelSam will an Olympic male figure skater come out as straight?

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Russian speedskater Olga Graf won a bronze in the 3000 metres. Exhausted, hot and excited after her race, she unzipped her suit down to her waist – forgetting she didn’t have anything on underneath. Graf quickly rezipped the suit before she completely flashed the crowd. But have to think ratings may go up for her next race.

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Another Gold for the US in slopeside. It’s sort of like the World Cup, where most Americans will decide to care about the sport for a millesecond. Except that this time we are winning.

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Nothing against team ice skating. But can someone explain to me how it serves any purpose at all other than increasing Olympic television ratings?

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Oklahoma State basketball star Marcus Smart shoved a fan courtside who allegedly called him a racial slur. Smart, 19, has had off court issues and probably needs at least some anger management counseling. But he’s a teenager. Thinking a middle aged white guy should know better. Just because we have free speech doesn’t mean you have to be an a**hole.

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Nice to know the US doesn’t have a monopoly on hypocrisy. Mark Harper, British immigration minister, was behind a “go home’ campaign for illegal immigrants last year. He resigned after he allegedly just learned his housekeeper didn’t have papers to be in the country.

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V.P. Joe Biden recently compared La Guardia airport to what one might find “in a third world country.” Prompting demands for an apology – from third world countries.

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When your first plane pulls in 10 minutes early, you are one of first people off, walk quickly without a stop to your connecting flight and boarding is almost finished, United just MIGHT be over optimistic on their minimum connecting time. #notsofriendly

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