Posted tagged ‘mothers day jokes’

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Show some respect, eh?

May 8, 2016

It takes some work to make Canadians angry. But Dwyane Wade managed to do it, by taking warm up shots during the Canadian national anthem. On the other hand, the Raptors, who sometimes seem to have trouble getting fired up, won the game. So maybe Wade should keep up the “Oh Canada” shooting.

 

Major league teams are selling today’s Mother’s Day equipment and uniforms to raise money for breast cancer research. Although the SFGiants. who lost 2-0, and were 0-6 with runners in scoring position,  won’t be able to market them as actual “game-used” bats.

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An unknown person in New Jersey has won the $429 million Powerball lottery. His or her first act with the winnings will no doubt be to move out of New Jersey.

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Americans apparently spend over $21 billion on Mother’s Day. Wow. To be fair, at least $1 billion of that must be spent by players in the NBA.

 

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#‎Hawks‬ have now joined the ‪#‎Braves‬ in making ‪#‎Atlanta‬ fans really look forward to the ‪#‎Falcons‬.

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The Yankees are in last place and worse, ticket sales are way down. Not sure what the team will do. Maybe they can sign Kobe Bryant for a one year contract so he can sit the bench and do a baseball version of his farewell tour?

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Ted Cruz apparently feels now that he could have stopped Donald Trump, if Marco Rubio had only agreed to become his running mate in March. Got news for Ted, the bottom half of the ticket wasn’t why Americans “Just Said No” to him.

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Former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer said she’d be willing to be Donald Trump’s running mate. Waiting for Hillary Clinton to second that choice in female solidarity.

 

Sarah Palin on Paul Ryan “His political career is over.” Well, ‪#‎takesonetoknowone‬

 

 

Mississippi State has confirmed that a student died when he fell off of the football stadium Jumbotron at 1:30am Saturday morning. Sad, but just guessing alcohol gets an assist on this Darwin award.

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To save money, Dropbox is apparently cutting back on some of its perks. The company is pushing free dinner from 6pm to 7pm, and limiting guests to five a month. ‪#‎Getouttheviolins‬

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David Maloney is an  Alabama attorney who has run commercials talking about how he turns out down drunk drivers as clients. ” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you drink and you drive and you hurt someone, don’t call me. I’m not going to represent you, I’m not going to help you. If anything, I’m going to be the lawyer going after you.”

Maloney was arrested this weekend in Florida. For alleged DUI.  Well, guess he won’t be one of those fools who has himself for a client.  #meanbitchkarmahasacousinhubris

 

 

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Sticking with Mother’s Day

May 11, 2015

 

Okay, so it’s been a few years.  My son’s first Mother’s Day at Candlestick Park. #raisinghimright

mothersday

 

Meanwhile, SF Giants fans and players would like to thank Matt Duffy for his game-winning RBI today. Because who really wanted to play 15 innings and not only be late for Mother’s Day dinner, but be at the ballpark after they’d cut off beer etc sales after seven innings…

 

 

Maybe this man really doesn’t want to be President? Jeb Bush today on Fox News said he also would have invaded Iraq in 2003, “I would have [authorized the invasion], and so would have Hillary Clinton, just to remind everybody. And so would almost everybody that was confronted with the intelligence they got,”

 

Isn’t Jeb Bush reminding voters that he would have authorized the Iraq invasion like Hillary Clinton reminding voters that her husband would have input into choosing interns?

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So a new DOT ruling as of last Friday allows airlines to back out of “mistake” fares, when an error in loading prices means consumers are able briefly to book tickets for a few dollars. Alas, when consumers make a mistake and book the wrong flight or date, we’re still SOL. ‪#‎toerrishumantoforgiveisnotairlinepolicy‬

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A 13-year Harvard University study of 20,000 women found that those who drank half a bottle of wine a day had a 70 % reduced risk of obesity compared to non-drinkers. For all those who didn’t already have enough reason for a Mother’s Day toast!

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Mother’s Day in the NBA. Another reason for players to want their teams to go deep into the playoffs. Being busy eliminates those tough decisions about which of their children’s moms to take to brunch.

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SNL opening skit Saturday night focused on the GOP 2016 Presidential contenders. But really, how could SNL have the hubris to imagine they could come up with anything funnier and more absurd than the candidates themselves?

 

From Alex Kaseberg,  “Happy Mother’s Day. May your Mother’s Day not be nearly as confusing as it is for Kylie and Kendall Jenner.”

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To tweet or not to tweet?

May 11, 2014

The Dolphins said they will “sit down” with player Don Jones after he tweeted a negative reaction when the Rams drafted Michael Sam. Okay, I get that people have feelings and prejudices. But how in this day and age is an NFL player stupid enough to put it out on social media?

 

 

How much trouble could be avoided with pro athletes if Twitter had an app saying “Would your mother approve of this tweet? #HappyMothersDay

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Apparently some people did have a problem with ESPN showing Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend. Maybe they were disappointed the network didn’t show A.J. McCarron kissing Katherine Webb?

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NFL players have the right to believe whatever they want about sex and sexual orientation. But can’t remember any of them making a negative public statement about a teammate who was accused of rape or domestic violence

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From Alex Kaseberg “Happy Mother’s Day. Today hundreds of NBA players look at their ringing phones and mutter; “I’m not gonna take this one.” #MothersDay

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Walgreen’s today had a large display of Mother’s Day bouquets for $9.99 by the cash register. Which presumably went perfectly with that card you forgot and also stopped into Walgreen’s to buy.

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Anyone who says baseball players aren’t manly men, I give you Aroldis Chapman, back on the mound less than 2 months after being struck in the face by one of his 100 mph fastballs lined back at him. And he got the save for the Reds.

 

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Wonder how many people turned off the Clippers game when the Thunder had a huge lead and the Dodgers-Giants game when Kershaw had a one-run lead?

 

#SFGIants. Until further notice, #Pablosandoval is only allowed to hit with a pink bat.

(Until today, this from Andrew Baggerly on Sandoval “He has come to bat with 86 runners on base and driven in four of them.”   The Panda drove in 2 with his pink bat.)

 

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Although original rumors said Shane Skov was going to the Oakland Raiders, Skov himself tweeted that he signed as an undrafted free agent with the 49ers instead. Makes sense, he IS from Stanford, the guy is supposed to be smart.

 

“Nashville” has been renewed by ABC.  Yes!  Yes! Yes!  #Guiltypleasures

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Mother’s Day and all that jazz.

May 12, 2013

Rough night for $NBA players. – #MothersDay Eve: so many potential baby mamas, so little time.

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Another Mother’s Day thought.  Anyone who thinks that they should have figured out a way to watch SNL with Mom Saturday night will soon be  off the hook.   Because Moms who are old enough to remember when SNL was consistently funny are getting too old to stay up that late.

 

Some think the Washington Nationals sacrificed a chance to win the World Series by shutting Stephen Strasburg down last year, but Nats management insisted they were thinking of the future. So far in 2013, Strasburg is 1-5, and just got shelled by the Cubs…. Carpe something.

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O.J. Simpson is trying to get out of jail by claiming he had such bad representation that his robbery conviction should be reversed and a new trial ordered. In other words “If my lawyers were sh*t, you must acquit.”

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The House just passed a bill that eliminates overtime pay for anyone working over 40 hours a week. While they’re at it, how about a bill to make Congress actually work 40 hours in a week?

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Regarding the story that the IRS was carefully scrutinizing groups with “tea party” and “patriot ” in their titles who were trying to get tax-exempt status: why are ANY political groups able to get tax-exempt status?

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Unclear on the concept: So apparently Lindsay Lohan wants out of the Betty Ford Center because they took away her Adderall.

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Another home run on a “pitcher’s pitch” today.  If there’s a book on how to pitch to Pablo Sandoval, presumably it’s in the fantasy section.

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Many Whole Foods customers in the Northeast were appalled to learn that the vegan chicken salad they had purchased actually contained real chicken. It’s the biggest shock most of them had had at Whole Foods since they got their last total bill at the register.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but the other day he was heard singing “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base, at the old ball game.”

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A really not so big show?

May 11, 2013

NBA playoffs on TNT. You know we’re talking major media outlet when the commercials are for CaliforniaPsychics.com “$1 a minute but the first question is free.

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This post is a joint effort with my friend Alex Kaseberg: Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing badly. But the team has started referring to Dodger Stadium as “the Friendly Confines.”

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In yesterday’s Astros-Angels game, the umpires mistakenly allowed Houston to make a second pitching change before the original reliever threw a pitch. (This is illegal starting in Little League.) So after the missed home run call Wednesday, we’ve now had blind, and dumb. Waiting to see what they’ll do for deaf.

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If it’s not one thing, it’s another. New Rutgers men’s basketball coach Eddie Jordan said he was a 1977 graduate from the university. But apparently while Jordan attended Rutgers, he never received a degree. So maybe this makes Eddie a perfect fit for today’s players.–
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1 in 8 Americans over the age of 60 says their memory is getting worse, which could be a sign of a Alzheimer’s problem. On the other hand as most parents who remind teenagers of various things will confirm ….memory loss begins at puberty.
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“Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham says that despite selling her sex tape for $1 million, she’s “not that sexually active.” Glad she cleared that up. Her parents must be so proud.
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Suri Cruise, 7, has apparently signed (?!) a contract to launch a fashion line for young girls. The first “Suri” collection will be available this fall in New York. Well, at least Suri’s older than the kids who will be making the clothes.
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An American Heart Association study found that owning a pet and found that owning a pet is “probably associated” with a lower risk of heart disease. This may be because of the companionship, or in the case of cats, because they teach people how to relax and not give a sh*t.
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Roy Halladay today apologized to Philly fans for his performance before going on the DL, “….and my heart goes out to all of the people who spend all of their money and go out to the games and don’t get to see what they want to see.” Down in Los Angeles, Angels and Dodgers fans are waiting for apologies from their whole teams.
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MLB has suspended umpire Fieldin Culbreth for two games. Culbreth is the crew chief who didn’t know on Thursday that a relief pitcher has to face one batter before being replaced. Presumably two days off is enough time to read the rule book?
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 On the players’ side, Cincinnati Reds minor league pitcher Daniel Tuttle has been suspended for 100 games for a THIRD violation baseball’s drug program. Getting caught three times?! At this point that’s being suspended for stupidity as much as drugs.
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One of the “fastest rising” baby names for boys in the U.S. is “Messiah.” If the trend continues, how many Jewish moms will name their son “Doctor?”
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Hooters is giving free meals to moms on Mother’s Day. Only thing worse than taking your mom to Hooters on Mother’s Day?   Going to Hooters on Mother’s Day and seeing mom at work.

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Happy Mother’s Day.

May 13, 2012

This must be the most stressful day of the year for NBA players –  so many baby mamas –  so little time.

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Bill O’Reilly dismissed the Mitt Romney prep school bullying story as “dumb,” and added that “Everyone does stupid things in high school, and added that he himself shot someone in the back with a BB gun. Is O’Reilly defending Romney or campaigning to be Vice President?

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The second round of the NBA playoffs has started before the first round has ended. More of the league’s efforts to make the postseason as confusing and nonsensical as the regular season.

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Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner will be in a cast for four weeks after a skateboarding accident. I guess this is another step towards equality – young women athletes being as stupid as young men.

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Eduardo Saverin – no problem building a company that started linking students at U.S. universities, with U.S investment, and U.S. educated employees But when it’s time to pay 15% U.S. capital gains tax – hey, I’m outta here. See you, suckers.

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With the way the GOP is trying to make an issue of President Obama’s support of gay marriage I hope none of them plan to go out to restaurants or have their hair done at their National Convention in Tampa.

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Three of the “Top Ten” plays tonight on ESPN are from….lacrosse? Let me guess which network is covering (and selling ad space) for the NCAA men’s lacrosse championship.

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From my friend Gary Bachmann:  “Betty White says she usually keeps her political views to herself, but this year she is announcing her preference for Barack Obama. This is her first public show of support for a candidate since she came out in favor of John Quincy Adams.”

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A top GOP pollster is circulating a memo saying that the party needs to evolve on gay issues. Wonder what upsets some conservatives in the party most – The idea of giving more rights to homosexuals, or the idea of evolving?

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer just signed a bill that allow employers to ask workers whether or not their prescription birth control pills are for medical, non-sexual reasons. Where’s the follow up bill to allow them to limit Viagra prescriptions to married men with pre-menopausal wives, and then only once a month for conception reasons?

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