Posted tagged ‘NBA jokes’

It’s not easy being green.

August 10, 2016

And now both an Olympic diving pool and swimming pool have turned green. Maybe we could have done with Michael Phelps’ saying that everyone pees in the pool.

 

So today the multi-millionaire NBA superstar players living on a secured luxury ship had a somewhat close win over a team with 2-3 NBA players living in dorm conditions. Ah, the Olympic dream. USA! USA! USA! ‪#‎USAvsAustralia‬.

Not sure the real explanation as to why the water in ‪#‎Olympics‬ diving pool is green.  But it’s one way to get divers out of the pool promptly post dive.

 

 

Nice showing by ‪#‎Switzerland‬ against ‪#‎USA‬ But really “beach volleyball” in Switzerland? Makes as much sense as ‪#‎AmericasCup‬ there. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Can we stop referring to ‪#‎SFGiants‬ on 2nd & 3rd base as “Runners In Scoring Position.” It’s just getting cruel.

But today the Giants did manage to win 1-0 without a single hit with runners in scoring position.  (Crawford home run)

My day job is in the travel business. Somebody just sent me an invitation to become a Trump hotel specialist. Somebody doesn’t know me very well.

A partial power loss on the new light-rail line to Denver International Airport is causing delays. But I am sure the airlines will be as sympathetic to passengers as they expect travelers to be when carriers themselves have delays. ‪#‎Sarcasm‬

Let’s put what Trump said another way. What if Hillary Clinton stood up at a rally and said, “If we elect Donald Trump he will appoint judges to overturn Roe v. Wade. nothing you can do, ladies. Although you Second Amendment women, maybe there is, I don’t know….”
I’m sure the Donald would laugh it off.

 

One of many criticisms of Hillary Clinton is that she made money after leaving office, and now is running for President. Especially after when Giuliani, Romney, Jeb Bush all left office they never did anything for profit before they decided to run…. ‪#more‎sarcasm‬

So ‪#‎MaliaObama‬ might have smoked a joint at a Chicago concert. Kudos to @POTUS & @FLOTUS for raising a normal child.

Man arrested today for climbing ‪#‎TrumpTower‬. Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to tweet ‪#‎TweetTower‬ has best climbers ever, better than Everest.

Donald Trump is blaming yet another controversy, the one involving “Second Amendment people” on the media. Yep, the dastardly media, who persist in reporting exactly what he says.

This text exchange just was revealed between two of Chris Christie’s top aides during the New Jersey Governor’s 2013 press conference about Bridgegate:
“Are you listening? He just flat out lied about senior staff and Stepien not being involved.”
“I’m listening. Gov is doing fine. Holding his own up there.”
“Yes. But he lied. And if emails are found with the subpoena or emails are uncovered in discovery if it comes to that it could be bad.”
Time for the GOP to start talking about Hillary’s emails again.

Bill Littlejohn reports that “Tim Tebow says he doesn’t want to be a ‘sideshow’ in baseball.Right–he’s not done being one in football”

In honor of Olympics, this post should be tape-delayed.

August 5, 2016

NBC not only tape delays ‪#‎Rio2016‬ they’re broadcasting at different times across US. Good luck if you talk to friends in other time zones.

 

Viewers unhappy at @NBC tape-delaying ‪#‎Rio2016‬ an hour w/ commercials. Except on West Coast ‪#‎OpeningCeremony‬ will be OVER before they start.

 

 

At least 3 NBA players in Rio were seen going into a brothel. Clearly Rio is not ready for the Olympics. Shouldn’t the groupies be in place by now?

A Moroccan boxer has been arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting two maids at the Olympic Village. And presumably also for stupidity – he couldn’t find thousands of women happy to sleep with an Olympic athlete?

The USA men’s and women’s basketball teams are staying on a luxury cruise ship docked in Rio, instead of at the Olympic Village where Andrew Bogut has tweeted about no shower curtains and bed issues.
Carmelo Anthony was asked about it “We have the same amenities as if we’re staying in a hotel, so I don’t really see what the (discussion is about). The beds are not big. The rooms are small. There’s some disadvantages to staying on the ship.” And Carmelo said all this with a straight face

Some Olympic swimmers have been practicing with snorkels as the water looks “cloudy.” So when the events begin will we see the first ever hazmat wetsuits?

Brazil has become the butt of jokes before the 2016 Olympics. ‪#‎ThirdWorldProblems‬. But then there’s the US, where NBC still won’t show events live. ‪#‎Firstworldproblems‬

The new head of ABC has vowed there will be more “diversity” on “The Bachelor.” So this means instead of blond and brunette men, they might go for a redhead?

The ‪#‎Yankees‬ have a press conference today about an impending retirement. Unfortunately for Yankee fans, it’s Mark Teixeira, not ‪#‎ARod‬

 –
Jeff Samardzija was almost looking like an ‪#‎AllStar‬, now looking like he should be pitching in ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ home run derby. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

Mike Henriques, the Oakland A’s strength and conditioning coach, was suspended for allegedly putting a hidden camera in the Coliseum weight room to spy on players. Well, and looking at the A’s record, a lot of good it did him.

 

Go ‪#‎redsox‬. But at some point ‪#‎Dodgers‬ losing has to stop being @SFGiants strategy for winning NLWest.

Scott Silverthorne, the mayor of Fairfax, VA, was arrested today for an alleged “meth-for-sex” scheme. SIlverthorne is also a substitute teacher. Wonder if he did his training in Albuquerque?

 

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  “There’s good news concerning the contaminated water at the Olympics in Rio. The Zika mosquitoes are dying of Dysentery.”

Tom Brady told reporters his decision finally to accept the NFL’s suspension was a “personal decision.” As in personally Brady figured he was spending more money on lawyers than he would lose in the suspension?

 

Here’s another commie pinko journalist attacking Donald Trump: “Here is a truth of life. When you act as if you’re insane, people are liable to think you’re insane…. There’s a clueless quality about him. It’s not that he doesn’t get advice; it’s that he can’t hear advice, can’t process it or turn it into action.”
The writer? Peggy Noonan.

 

The last line of an Los Angeles Times op-ed. Pass it on. The writer is Bernie Sanders: “I understand that many of my supporters are disappointed by the final results of the nominating process, but being despondent and inactive is not going to improve anything. Going forward and continuing the struggle is what matters. And, in that struggle, the most immediate task we face is to defeat Donald Trump.”

A solution to voter apathy?

July 13, 2016

So imagine what turnout could be in November if we put ‪#‎Pokestops‬ in voting booths. #‪#‎PokemonGO‬

 

At Stanford Shopping Center in California, a roving security robot allegedly ran over a toddler’s foot and knocked the child down. Was the robot texting at the time?

So the MLB All-Star Game is over, and now we again realize that after a voting process many people didn’t take very seriously, the result actually counts. Sort of like the GOP primary.

 

Tim Duncan, in talking about his retirement from the NBA, said he could “probably still play, but “It wasn’t fun at times. And I always said when that point comes when it’s not fun anymore then I’m done.”
And many of the 76ers, Knicks and Kobe’s ex-teammates,  for starters,  said “You mean it’s supposed to be fun?”

NBA commissioner Adam Silver just said that Kevin Durant going to the Warriors is “not ideal from a league standpoint.” Well, I’m sure that makes the Lakers feel so much better about their 2011 vetoed trade for Chris Paul.

In Nashville, a man had his face covered with toilet paper while he robbed a store. Witnesses said he appeared a little flushed.

The College Football Playoff is considering moving the semifinals from Dec. 31. “”We’re thinking about if New Year’s Eve is the way to go.”
Uh let’s see, last year’s Orange and Cotton Bowl semi-finals on Dec. 31 had 38.5 & 36.5 % drops in ratings from the year before. What was their first clue?

Interesting to see how many Republicans are upset by GInsburg’s anti-Trump comments and want her to recuse herself in cases going forward. Of course, these are the same people who wanted Scalia to recuse himself when his son was working for the firm George W. hired for Bush vs. Gore. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Forget what she thinks of Trump, now that the 2nd US Circuit Court has denied Tom Brady’s appeal, we really need to know what Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg thinks of the Patriots.

Indiana Gov. Mike Pence is on Trump’s VP short list. Before anyone gets the sense that the Donald is considering getting off the crazy train, remember that in 2012 then congressman Pence likened the Supreme Court’s ruling upholding the Democratic health care law to 9-11.

 

As Trump decides on  his running mate, has anyone told Donald unlike marriage, he can’t just trade his choice in later on a younger model?

Trump apparently will announce his VP pick Friday. “It’s a little bit like ‘The Apprentice,” said Newt Gingrich, “You find out sooner or later who the last one standing is.”
Forget “The Apprentice,” isn’t it more like ‘Last Comic Standing.”?

The GOP is reportedly $6 million short of the $64 million fundraising goal they had for the convention next week in Cleveland. Can’t Trump get Mexico to pay for it?

Another reason Tim Duncan might have waited until this week to retire – it was too late for him to have to been “honored” at the ESPYs.

 

 

But the best of the ESPYs, if that’s not an oxymoron, was a great speech, seriously, from Craig Sager, diagnosed with terminal leukemia, “I’ve run with the bulls in Pamplona. I’ve raced with Mario Andretti in Indianapolis. I have climbed the Great Wall of China. I have jumped out of aeroplanes over Kansas. I have wrestled gators in Florida. I have sailed the ocean with Ted Turner. I swam with the oceans in the Caribbean. And I have interviewed Gregg Popovich, mid-game, Spurs down seven..
If I have learned anything through all of this, it is that each and every day is a canvas waiting to be painted, an opportunity for love, for fun, for living, for learning.”

But where are the roses?

July 2, 2016

Anyone but me thinking all this courting and drama around NBA free agents, with very little of importance actually happening, is not that different from watching “The Bachelor/Bachelorette – without all the televised make-out sessions?

 

So many mediocre players are making so much money with ‪#‎NBAFreeAgency‬ Kobe Bryant may un-retire.

Kevin Durant was apparently “blown away” by the Clippers. “Blown away, huh?” To “a place where there isn’t any trouble?” ‪#‎Somewhereovertherainbow‬ ‪#‎paynoattentiontothatmanbehindthe curtain?

At Wimbledon, American Sam Querrey stunned top-seeded Novak Djokovic. American sports fans are stunned too – there are still U.S. men playing professional tennis?

A new study indicates marijuana may e useful in the treatment of Alzheimers. Which could be great news, except for that little short-term memory issue – “Dude, where’s my walker?”

Sports experts always say that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ can’t trade for big name players because they don’t have top prospects in their farm system. But the minor leaguers they keep pulling out of their hat are a major reason the team has won over 50 games.

Thieves near Milwaukee stole a semi-trailer full of cheese valued at $46,000. Well, clearly the cheese was not headed to Whole Foods, where $46,000 worth would have fit in an Austin Mini.

 

 

22 car wreck at the ‪#‎CokeZero400‬: Good news, no injuries, better news, NASCAR makes the ESPN highlights show.

Donald Trump said that the RNC has “asked him to speak all three nights (of the convention). I turned it down.” He says “I don’t want people to think I’m grandstanding.” Nope, more like people thinking the RNC couldn’t get anyone else.

Not sure what ‪#‎RNC‬ will do for convention speakers. Even Clint’s chair says ‪#‎Trump‬ doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

On a serious note, RIP Elie Wiesel. There are a lot of books you get assigned to read in high school and college that are forgettable. “Night” is not one of them.

Holi-daze?

July 1, 2016

For all my Canadian friends, Happy (now belated)  Canada Day. For my American friends, might be important to remember July 1 matters up north, in case you were thinking of moving if Trump wins in November.

 

Bill Clinton met briefly but privately with Attorney General Loretta Lynch this week in Phoenix. And of course some allege that they might have talked about the email investigation.
So the former President was alone with a woman and the rumors aren’t about sex? How the mighty have fallen.

#‎Lakers‬ signed ‪#‎TimofeyMozgov‬ to a $64 million contract. Even the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ think that’s overspending for mediocre talent.

OJ Mayo has been suspended from the NBA for 2 years for violating the league’s drug testing program. This is the same Mayo who played one year at USC, was ruled to have accepted improper benefits, got the school’s wins vacated and then entered the draft. Not that I am a Trojans fan but have to admire mean bitch Karma in delayed mode.

‪#‎Iceland‬ has become so popular with their ‪#‎EURO2016‬ run, if this keeps up some Americans will even learn to find it on a map.

One more thought for the day on Madison Bumgarner hitting. Now, he may not be the best hitter on the team by a longshot. But how many other pitchers do fans time their concession-bathroom-whatever breaks around making sure you don’t miss an at-bat? ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎PitcherswhoRake‬

 

And sure, all SF Giants fans knew the team would start off July with a win thanks to Grant Green, Jarrett Parker, and Conor Gillaspie.

Reports now indicate that Kevin Durant is “90% likely” to stay with the Thunder. So all of this media free-agent hype may be about as accurate as the supermarket tabloids regularly promising celebrity divorces.

At Machu Picchu, a man entered a restricted area, and asked someone to take his picture leaping in the air. He then leapt, fell of a cliff, and died. Not often you get a Darwin Award and an Incan sacrifice at the same time.

So has a team from ‪#‎Cleveland‬ lost since game 4 of the ‪#‎NBAfinals‬? ‪#‎Indians‬ ‪#‎Cavs‬

(my friend Richard Rothschild tells me, well, actually since before game 6.)

On Delta’s website today, fares from San Francisco to Detroit were apparently showing up for over $13,000 roundtrip, in coach. Well, that’s absurd. Who would ever think it would cost that much for a domestic airfare. Now by the time you add fees….maybe.

Trump spoke today in Denver following Sarah Palin. So he did that because after Palin there’s a CHANCE the Donald looks sane by comparison?

A Miami strip club bartender wanted to spend some time with a man who wasn’t her husband, so she told hubby she had been kidnapped. He called the cops, she got arrested. Uh, she couldn’t have found ONE friend to say it was a girls’ weekend? ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Butyoucanarreststupid‬

Now Al Qaeda and ISIS are both claiming credit for a hostage situation in Bangladesh. I do suppose it’s too much to hope that they might get mad enough to start shooting and bombing each other.

Donald Trump, on the Supreme Court’s 5-3 Texas abortion clinic ruling: “Now if we had—Scalia was living, or if Scalia was replaced by me, you wouldn’t have had that, OK? It would’ve been the opposite.”
Because 5-4 is the opposite of 5-3? The Donald is not only not qualified to be President, he’s not qualified to teach 2nd grade math.

Will the last to leave the UK please turn out the lights?

June 23, 2016

History books teach us that Henry VIII united England with Ireland and Wales, and James I/VI united England with Scotland. And now they may well teach us David Cameron and his referendum was the one who dissolved the UK. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎Brexit‬

 

Many Tory MP’s in Britain signed letter saying Cameron had “a duty to stay on” after ‪#‎Brexit‬. Right, like captain of Titanic after iceberg.

‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ has traveled to the UK at this time of ‪#‎Brexit‬ turmol, to visit…. his golf courses? ‪#‎priorities‬ ‪#‎clueless‬

 

Donald Trump & many of his supporters have been in favor of ‪#‎Brexit‬. As the UK economy already is taking a hit before daybreak, ‪#‎becarefulwhatyouwishfor‬

#‎DonaldTrump‬ due to arrive in ‪#‎Scotland‬ this am after ‪#‎Brexit‬. Too much to hope that he praises vote? (Scots voted strongly for ‪#‎Remain‬)

Gibraltar did  vote to stay in the EU. Shocking many Americans who didn’t realize they were part of Britain. ‪#‎Brexit‬.

 

San Diego came in 2nd (to Buffalo) in a list of the 40 most depressing cities for sports fans. Most San Diegans didn’t notice though, as they were outside on yet another 72 degree sunny day.

Posted last weekend that Tim Lincecum hadn’t shown he could pitch against major league hitters, but he did show he could pitch against the As. Well, let me revise that, Timmy showed could pitch against the As ONCE. ‪#‎secondtimenotthecharm‬

Kawhi Leonard is the latest NBA player to say he will not play in Rio in 2016. It’s tough to have a Dream Team when it’s looking like a Nightmare Olympics.

Carmelo Anthony has announced he WILL actually play for Team USA in the Olympics. Makes sense, even with the depleted roster, Carmelo still has a better chance of winning something than while he’s on the Knicks.

 

Elizabeth Warren showed up last night on the House floor with several boxes of Dunkin’ Donuts. A blatant but futile attempt to elicit ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ support from Chris Christie.

Many people were injured and the gunman shot dead by police in a theater attack in Germany today. No definite word on who the man was, if he were Muslim so conservatives can blame “radical Islam,” or neo-Nazi so they can blame mental illness.

Just to prove that the US doesn’t have a monopoly on a paranoid electorate, there was a hashtag ‪#‎usepens‬ trending in Britain Thursday. Because of “warnings” that pencil-written ballots may be erased as part of an government conspiracy to remain in the EU.

So Paul Ryan calls the Democratic sit-in over gun control a “publicity stunt” and “fundraising stunt.” As opposed to the over 60 times the GOP House has voted to repeal Obama…?.

Jerry Falwell, Jr, the president of Liberty University, posted a picture of himself and his wife with Donald Trump, in front of a framed Playboy magazine with Trump on the cover.
Falwell has angrily responded to critics saying it’s a “decades-old” cover. Next presume Jerry will be attacking the Clintons over Whitewater and Monica Lewinsky.

A friend whose dog just died  is trying to adopt a rescue dog and jumping through all kinds of hoops to prove she is worthy. Probably would be faster if she just bought a gun online and walked into the shelter with it demanding that they give her the dog. ‪#‎sarcasm‬ ‪#‎mostly‬

From Marc Ragovin, since Rory McIlroy is bailing on Rio over the Zika virus.  “I guess we can say that McIlroy is bugging out on the Olympics.”

Northern California mourning after

June 20, 2016

SF Giants looking like they’re the Bay Area team hungover after the Warriors loss.

President Obama waited with his family on Air Force One after the plane landed on Sunday at Andrews so he could watch the last two minutes of the NBA Finals game 7.  And during that time the President scored exactly as many points as the Warriors.

 

So if you count end of ‪#‎Game7‬ the ‪#‎Warriors‬ & ‪#‎SFGiants‬ have now been held scoreless for 4 minutes, 39 seconds & 9 innings.

On the subject of “best ever seasons,” the SF Giants have won 100 games or more three times, in 1962, 1993 and 2003. The first time they lost in 7 to the Yankees, the second time they didn’t make the playoffs, the third time they were bounced in the first round.
As a Giants fan I’ll take the more plebian 2010, 2012 and 2014 seasons.

Hard morning for ‪#‎Warriors‬ fans. But it’s got to hurt a little less when your last championship t-shirt doesn’t even have stains on it yet..

 

Although it didn’t work out with an RBI for the SFGiants, the Pirates pulled their starter in the 7th, because they didn’t want him to face Madison Bumgarner. No joke. #Pitcherswhorake.

Yuck. Four hikers died this weekend in Arizona, as Phoenix reached 118 degrees and Tucson reached 115. Awful, but isn’t hiking when the temperature is at oven temperature levels basically going for a Darwin award?

A Louisiana prosecutor has declined to charge two Alabama football players who were arrested last month on charges of possession of a controlled dangerous substance and illegal possession of a stolen firearm. D.A. Jerry Jones. “I want to emphasize once again that the main reason I’m doing this is that I refuse to ruin the lives of two young men who have spent their adolescence and teenage years, working and sweating, while we were all in the air conditioning.”
Who says there’s no compensation for playing college football?

A SF judge has ruled that two Starbucks customers can pursue their lawsuit claiming that the chain underfills their lattes. The plaintiffs say the chain currently considers the top layer of foamed milk as part of the total volume of the latte.
And of course if Starbucks did fill drinks to the brim without foam, someone would have sued over being burned by overflowing coffee.

 Both Scottie Pippin and Dennis Rodman have just said that the Warriors loss makes the 1995-96 Bulls the NBA’s best ever team. So are they planning to get together with the 1972 Miami Dolphins to crack open some champagne?
 The Senate failed to pass four gun control measures today, including one that would simply expand background checks from brick and mortar gun stores to gun shows and online purchases. Well, sure, because no one with “issues” thinking of committing a gun crime would ever think of going to a show or online. ‪#‎Profilesnotincourage‬ ‪#‎whollyownedsubsidiaryoftheNRA‬
So I think I’ve got this straight, GOP thinks it’s okay to profile Muslims in US but not to the extent of forbidding them to buy guns.
Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has been fired. Shocking many who didn’t realize Trump had anybody running his campaign.
Wonder if Trump filmed the firing for a future segment of “The Apprentice?”
Donald Trump is now accusing Jeb Bush of working to try to oust him as the GOP nominee. Uh, leaving the paranoia aside, based on “Jeb!”s campaign, why would the Donald be worried about Bush actually accomplishing anything?
Somewhere even Richard Nixon has to be thinking that Donald Trump is more than a bit paranoid.
From TC ” Singer Don MacLean and his wife have finalized their divorce and a settlement of $10M has been agreed upon. So… “Bye Bye to a 10 million dollar piece of pie….”

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 384 other followers