Posted tagged ‘Inauguration jokes’

Voting and other consequences

January 19, 2017

Russell Westbrook left off as a starter for the NBA All-Star team?!. Ah for the days when inexplicable voting by Americans just impacted meaningless exhibition games.

Stanford has 11 players on rosters of the four teams left alive in this weekend’s NFL championship games.  The next closest school, Alabama, has 7.  #nerdnation

Trump has appointed Woody Johnson as his ambassador to Great Britain. So Johnson will do for America’s reputation in England what he’s done for the Jets?

Trump talking about huge crowds for inaugural concert .  Based on actual numbers even the Montreal Expos are giggling.

El Chapo has been extradited over to US. So will Trump name him Drug Czar?

 

Now GOP has set precedent hope Senate Dems feel justified not voting on any potential Supreme Court nominee. Only 1383 days to next election.

Trump doesn’t like PC, wonder why he didn’t ask the Stanford band to perform at inaugural – they could have played Yellow River.

So when Trump takes oath of office will he be saying “So help me, me.”?

Spokesman Sean Spicer says Trump’s incoming cabinet will have diversity. Yes, rich and richer.

Rumors are that Trump plans to privatize the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. So will PBS be replaced by “Trump TV?”

Rick Perry “After being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.”
Because, hey, don’t we all want to close things down when we have no idea what they do?

Donald and Melania Trump arrived at their inaugural concert to the music of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” #Truthinadvertising

Treasury secretary nominee Steven Mnuchin admitted in confirmation hearing today while he headed OneWest Bank, he now regrets kicking some people out of their homes. And one of the “”most troubling” of the foreclosures “was actually to the Octomom.”
At the Onion they are going, “that’s it, we quit. Can’t compete.”

Trump in a speech tonight, “Next time, four years from now, next time we’re going to win the old fashioned way.” As in without Russian help or by getting the most votes?

Nancy Sinatra, when asked how she felt about Trump using “My Way” for the first dance at his inaugural, responded, “Just remember the first line.” Three words “You go girl.”

(And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain…..)

At last?

January 18, 2017

Adam Schefter of ESPN reports 49ers will offer their coaching job to Kyle Shanahan after the Falcons’ season has ended. So guess Kyle has to decide if he’s already had enough of playoff pressure.

Actually, Jed York DOES know it was Kyle’s dad Mike who won those Super Bowls, right?

 

 

Redskins owner owner Dan Snyder attended a gala pre-inaugural dinner in DC, along  with Trump, Pence, and Kellyanne Conway.  And of course he’s happy, with Trump moving into the White House, Snyder is longer most hated man in town.

Lebron James said that the Cavs and Warriors aren’t rivals, just “two great teams that have aspirations.” Draymond Green disagrees ”
“Yeah, I think this is a rivalry.” Well, at least it’s nice to have an argument make any sort of headlines these days that isn’t political.

 

In Colorado, a 24-year old Maserati salesman died this weekend in a single-car crash shortly after posting video of himself Facebook Live video of himself driving one of the cars at 111 mph.
Guess he’s the front-runner for 2017’s most expensive Darwin?

Headline “McDonald’s just made a major change to the Big Mac.” Ok, who but me thought saw this and thought – “They’re adding meat?

A DC hair stylist has gone public after Marla Maples asked her to waive her fees to do her & Tiffany’s hair for the inaugural in exchange for “exposure on social media.” Marla’s contact wrote the stylist that she is “messing with the president of the United States, as Maples’ child-support is ending now that Tiffany is 22, and “She is used to a certain lifestyle and you don’t understand that.”
Tragic, really.

Gloria Allred held a press conference this morning with a woman who has accused Trump of sexual assault. And the alleged victim will be filing a lawsuit against the President-Elect.
Yep, you definitely see why Ringling Bros is shutting down. They really can’t compete.

#TrumpHistoryLecture Lincoln, overrated. I’d have freed the slaves without a war. And I’d have never wasted time with a silly play.

In an interview this weekend, President-elect Trump said that NATO was “obsolete.” And we thought as tourists in Europe we’ve been “ugly Americans before….

Sen. Patty Murray today asked Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos if she would commit to keeping funding for public schools intact.
Her response “I look forward, if confirmed, to talking about how we address the needs of all parents and all students.”
Although to be fair, based on 2016 election results, you could argue that U.S. public education isn’t working.

#BetsyDeVos‘s confirmation hearing performance didn’t do much to advance myth of superiority of a private school education.

Trump tweet today that “people are pouring into DC in record numbers.” Ah okay, so that’s why my travel agency computer shows all these hotel rooms available – some at normal reasonable prices.
#hedidntsaywhatkindofrecord

Second time around.

January 22, 2013

Bizarre thing about Monday’s inauguration, President Obama was actually really sworn in again on Sunday. So the entire ceremony is about as real as a Manti T’eo engagement party.

So now that Obama has been inaugurated for his second term, how long until we see the first ads for the 2016 Presidential campaign?

President Obama stumbled over the word “states” in his inaugural oath. Maybe he was thinking of the ones he wishes would secede?

So in another generation will the President and Vice President take an oath on a iPad bible?

Paul Ryan was booed as he left the Capitol this morning to attend President Barack Obama’s second inauguration ceremony. Wonder if the boos were from Democrats, or Republicans who think he lost Romney the election.

President Obama said in his speech. “Any of us may face a job loss.” And Republican members of Congress on the platform are thinking “Why couldn’t it have been you?

Phil Mickelson, who lives in Rancho Santa Fe, is saying he may have to make “drastic changes” because of new California tax laws that push his effective tax rate into what he says is 62-63%. Maybe Phil, who earned over $60 million last year, should talk to his near-neighbor, new La Jolla resident Mitt Romney.

Investigators say that tests showed Lance Armstrong was probably still doping in 2009, so that he lied when he told Oprah he stopped in 2005. So the formerly idolized cyclist was still less than honest, I’m shocked, shocked….

Atari filed for bankruptcy Monday. Shocking most Americans – “Atari is still in business?”

 

Bill Clinton, paying close attention to Kelly Clarkson’s…. lyrics?

Image

Well, at least he’s consistent.

The Terrell Owens show…

January 27, 2009

Terrell Owens has announced he will be hosting his own reality show on VH1 this summer. This marks the first time the words “T.O” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.


Washington D.C. is getting back to normal. The Metro is less crowded, streets have reopened, and the only disappointed ticket holders are Wizards fans.


Should we be surprised that Governor Rod Blagojevich thought of offering Obama’s Senate seat to Oprah. He knew she could afford it.

More from the “purple tunnel of doom.”

January 26, 2009

First, in case that reference is too “inside baseball” – the Purple Tunnel of Doom refers to all the thousands inaugural ticket holders who missed the ceremony because they were stuck in endless security lines…some actually IN a tunnel on their way to the gates. Blue ticket holders had the privilege of at least being stuck in the sunshine, albeit the 25 degree sunshine.

Anyway…

Actually, until last week the “Purple Tunnel of Doom” just referred to the tunnel from the locker room to the field used by the Minnesota Vikings in their Super Bowls.


Now that the Bush team has left the White House, get ready for a flood of tell-all books about the adminstration. Especially as in the this case, all the former staffers and potential authors are confident their boss will never read them.

Barack Obama still maintains he will have an open door policy with Republicans. Of course, to maintain some semblance of order, access to that door will be done by a system of purple tickets.


Since President Obama’s inauguration, Oregon State’s usually lowly men’s basketball team, now coached by Barack’s brother-in-law Craig Robinson, is 2-0, with upsets of Cal and Stanford on the road.

When this college basketball season is over, wonder if Barack will send Craig on a humanitarian rescue mission – to the Wizards.


It’s been a rough time recently for Roger Clemens. Not only are the feds convening a grand jury against the former pitcher, but Roger’s performance last year didn’t even get him nominated for an Oscar.

For our Neighbors to the North, a few hockey jokes.

The NHL All-Star game ended in a shoot-out with the East beating the West 12-11. Most Americans found this shocking…the NHL had an All-Star game?

The NHL All-Star game ended with the East winning 12-11. 12-11? Where did they play the game, Coors Field?

(Actually, if there were more 12-11 games, there might be more Americans watching hockey.)

Another brief pre-inaugural post…

January 18, 2009

It’s a party atmosphere in Washington D.C. this weekend. But Republicans are scarcer than US Airways executives at a fundraiser for the Audubon society.


So what’s rarer now – an actual Cardinal in Arizona, or a steelworker in Pittsburgh?


And for all high school quarterbacks making decisions on college and thinking that for their football careers they need to go to the highest profile Division 1 school available…. may I present – the Northern Iowa vs. Miami (of Ohio) Super Bowl.. Yep, the alma maters of Kurt Warner and Ben Roethlisberger …


This Super Bowl matchup is making television executives think back longingly to that marquee World Series with the Rays and Phillies.


But kudos to Kurt Warner. The only downside, he will have to cancel his taping of that “Where are they now?” episode.