Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Houston, where are we?

February 22, 2017

The Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum is sending the Apollo 11 Command Module on a tour around the U.S. to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. 50 years?! Wow. Assume the capsule will travel cross country with its left blinker on.

After receiving a new NCAA notice of allegations that brings the total to 21, Ole Miss officials announced they are self-imposing a one-year bowl ban for the 2017 season.
What a shame after their great 2016 bowl appearance…. oh, wait, they were 5-7. Never mind.

 

Rumors are that Kirk Cousins might be traded from the Redskins to the 49ers. Would be the owner equivalent of going from one frying pan into a younger frying pan.

 

In April, McDonald’s will have a promotion where all soft drinks, even the extra-large size, will be only $1. Using the restroom, however, may be $5.

“7 Earth-size planets found orbiting nearby star” How long until Trump takes credit for making galaxy great again. HUGE

 

So this intentional walk change in MLB is for real. Got a better idea with same time results, let the pitcher still throw his 4 pitches, but take one of the between-inning commercials and put it on half the screen. Then shorten one of those breaks. #dontmesswithbaseball

Kellyanne Conway hasn’t been seen lately. Wonder if she’s in the same “undisclosed location” they used to put Dick Cheney?

From Politico article talking to Trump associates “Leaving him alone for several hours can prove damaging, because he consumes too much television and gripes to people outside the White House.”
So basically Twitter has become his way of screaming “You punks get off my lawn?”

If protestors were paid as often as @POTUS & @PressSec seem to think they are, they’d be rich enough to vote GOP.

Pence says GOP will bring “individual responsibility back to American health care.” In other words, if you’re sick it’s your responsibility.

So if transgender bathrooms are a states’ rights issue, does that mean that, for example, marijuana is too?

 

As much as some conservatives freak out, guessing most have been in bathrooms with transgenders & HAVEN’T EVEN NOTICED.

 

It’s as dangerous to allow trans kids in school bathrooms  as it was to visit Bowling Green during the massacre. #ProtectTransKids

 

Reportedly six White House staffers left last week after failing FBI background checks. Considering some of the stories on those who DID make it through, even to the Cabinet, you do have to wonder what these guys did.

 

 

Marc Ragovin FTW

Lakers President Jeanie Buss has fired her brother Jim because of the team’s poor record. “Amateur,” said Kim Jong-Un

At last?

January 18, 2017

Adam Schefter of ESPN reports 49ers will offer their coaching job to Kyle Shanahan after the Falcons’ season has ended. So guess Kyle has to decide if he’s already had enough of playoff pressure.

Actually, Jed York DOES know it was Kyle’s dad Mike who won those Super Bowls, right?

 

 

Redskins owner owner Dan Snyder attended a gala pre-inaugural dinner in DC, along  with Trump, Pence, and Kellyanne Conway.  And of course he’s happy, with Trump moving into the White House, Snyder is longer most hated man in town.

Lebron James said that the Cavs and Warriors aren’t rivals, just “two great teams that have aspirations.” Draymond Green disagrees ”
“Yeah, I think this is a rivalry.” Well, at least it’s nice to have an argument make any sort of headlines these days that isn’t political.

 

In Colorado, a 24-year old Maserati salesman died this weekend in a single-car crash shortly after posting video of himself Facebook Live video of himself driving one of the cars at 111 mph.
Guess he’s the front-runner for 2017’s most expensive Darwin?

Headline “McDonald’s just made a major change to the Big Mac.” Ok, who but me thought saw this and thought – “They’re adding meat?

A DC hair stylist has gone public after Marla Maples asked her to waive her fees to do her & Tiffany’s hair for the inaugural in exchange for “exposure on social media.” Marla’s contact wrote the stylist that she is “messing with the president of the United States, as Maples’ child-support is ending now that Tiffany is 22, and “She is used to a certain lifestyle and you don’t understand that.”
Tragic, really.

Gloria Allred held a press conference this morning with a woman who has accused Trump of sexual assault. And the alleged victim will be filing a lawsuit against the President-Elect.
Yep, you definitely see why Ringling Bros is shutting down. They really can’t compete.

#TrumpHistoryLecture Lincoln, overrated. I’d have freed the slaves without a war. And I’d have never wasted time with a silly play.

In an interview this weekend, President-elect Trump said that NATO was “obsolete.” And we thought as tourists in Europe we’ve been “ugly Americans before….

Sen. Patty Murray today asked Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos if she would commit to keeping funding for public schools intact.
Her response “I look forward, if confirmed, to talking about how we address the needs of all parents and all students.”
Although to be fair, based on 2016 election results, you could argue that U.S. public education isn’t working.

#BetsyDeVos‘s confirmation hearing performance didn’t do much to advance myth of superiority of a private school education.

Trump tweet today that “people are pouring into DC in record numbers.” Ah okay, so that’s why my travel agency computer shows all these hotel rooms available – some at normal reasonable prices.
#hedidntsaywhatkindofrecord

Fresh start?

January 4, 2017

Fox Sports reports that Chip Kelly, fired by SF 49ers Sunday, he wants to remain in professional football. So Chip is open to joining a team in the SEC?

 

Odell Beckham Jr. loves to complain about being singled out by officials. Well, I’m sure all those pictures of him and teammates on a party boat with apparent drugs all around,  and some of them apparently smoking joints, won’t prejudice anyone against him in this weekend’s playoffs.

OBJ recently said that “even Steve Wonder could have seen”  the missed calls.  Uh, even Stevie Wonder could have seen that posting pictures of the party was a bad idea.

Duke’s Grayson Allen started tonight after his “indefinite” suspension became one game. Well, if he were a college football star it might have been 1 quarter.

Rob Schneider just tweeted “I will put together a consortium of buyers. Please sell me the 49ers,”
So does Schneider hope to make the 49ers great again, or is he planning to use them for a long-running comedy series?

Macy’s is closing 68 stores and cutting 10,000 jobs. #IblameTrump

 

Police say a man in a town outside Frankfurt opened his front door Monday night and found that someone had built a brick wall in his doorway overnight. The wall had to be torn down for him to get out.
Wonder if the guy spent Sunday drinking Amontillado.

 

Whole Foods has a coupon in local paper for $5 off $20 in produce. That’s probably enough of a discount to get a whole extra apple.

Wonder what will happen when #Assange & #Wikileaks go after Trump administration: “It’s my nature.” #Scorpionandthefrog

Now Pence says “1st order of business is to repeal & replace #Obamacare. Replace w/ what? That great healthcare plan GOP had before Obama?

Now @realDonaldTrump picked Wall Street lawyer for head of SEC. Yet another big new alligator who will need to find room in the swamp.

Haven’t heard GOP saying it’s an outrage that Charles Manson is entitled to healthcare while law-abiding Americans are not. Because they don’t believe the latter?

 

“We have two choices: some guy living in an embassy on the run from the law…who has a history of undermining American democracy and releasing classified information to put our troops at risk, or the 17 intelligence agencies sworn to defend us. I’m going with them.”
Quote from that noted commie-pinko liberal Lindsey Graham.

Clowning around

January 4, 2017

 

Someone changed name of #Browns training facility on Google Maps to “Cleveland Clowns.” Prompting demands for an apology, from real clowns

 

But okay friends and readers, since someone went on Google Maps to put the name “Cleveland Clowns” on the Browns training facility, surely bright minds in California can come up with a equally creative map “fix” for the San Francisco 49ers corporate offices.

In a Thai National Park a French tourist who spotted a crocodile reportedly ignored warning signs and went off the trail to take a selfie with it. She is recovering in a local hospital with a leg bite. Another Darwin “missed it by THAT much.”

Last Sunday, a baggage handler for United Express ended up flying from Charlotte to Washington-Dulles accidentally locked inside the plane’s cargo hold,
Well, guess we know the answer to the question -what’s the next low fare option for United after “basic economy” fares?

Brent Musberger last night on Joe Mixon, who was seen on video hitting a woman and fracturing her face “He’s just one of the best, and let’s hope, given a second chance by Bob Stoops and Oklahoma, let’s hope this young man makes the most of his chance and goes on to have a career in the National Football League,”

Actually makes you long for the days when Brent was just ogling the Alabama QB’s girlfriend..

 

ESPN reports that a 32-year-old Starbucks barista won more than $900,000 in the Westgate Las Vegas SuperContest, the world’s most prestigious football handicapping contest.
Shouldn’t that report say “a FORMER Starbucks barista?”

Starbucks barista won over $900,000 in Westgate Las Vegas football handicapping SuperContest. Now he can at least afford his own coffee.

Last week McDonald’s opened a new location on the ground floor of a building owned by the Vatican, around the corner from St. Peters. Perfect for those who want to cheat on their diets and confess at the same time?

In Roane County, WV, a man who was just elected sheriff in November was arrested on his 3rd day on the job, allegedly for stealing meth from the evidence locker. West Virginia?! Time to catch up, Florida.

Three months after the robbery in Paris, Kim Kardashian West has officially returned to social media with a post on Instagram #Ourlongnationalnightmareisover #sarcasm

Megyn Kelly announced she is leaving Fox News. So congrats to all those who had January 3 in the pool.

House Republicans this morning dropped their plan from last night to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics. Who’s in on the pool with me as to when they reintroduce it?

The National Enquirer headline in checkout aisle touts “proof” that Obama was born in Kenya, and says “Trump already bringing dignity back to the White House.”
Standby for Trump tweeting that the Enquirer should be the US paper of record.

Julian Assange denied again that the Russian government was the source of Wikileaks’ hacked emails from the DNC and John Podesta. And why should we doubt the man who denounced censorship on the Kremlin’s “Russia Today” channel?

 

from Bill Littlejohn: “The Golf Channel honored Tiger Woods on his birthday Friday by airing a 15-hour marathon that chronicled his major championship highlights from the 1997 Masters to the 2008 U.S. Open, plus features on his life. In that case, shouldn’t there have been a couple of episodes from ‘Law and Order SVU’ thrown in?” . . .

The gift that keeps on giving

December 20, 2016

#Starbucks has come up with a Fruitcake Frappuccino. So will it be shelf stable so it can be re-gifted for years?

 

#SF49ers & #Rams play on December 24. Wait a minute, aren’t Americans supposed to wait until Christmas day for a traditional turkey?

NCAA gave Rutgers football notice of 7 possible violations. Can they threaten to make Scarlet Knights bowl-ineligible with a straight face?

Journey has been selected to the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame. Good omen for 2017 SF Giants? #dontstopbelieving

Fire crews were called to the Palace of Auburn Hills this morning. Two-alarm blaze, unknown origin. Well, something’s was on fire and it’s sure not the Pistons.

The Arizona Cardinals released Michael Floyd after his DUI arrest, his 2nd, along with two other “alcohol-related Incidents” at Notre Dame. Reportedly it wasn’t just the arrest but the wide receiver’s lack of remorse.
Now Floyd’s been picked up by the New England Patriots and is heading to the playoffs. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

 

 

A video posted to FB by a fan appears to show a security guard at Qualcomm masturbating during while the Chargers-Raiders played last Sunday. Disturbing, yes But on the other hand at least someone from San Diego got some pleasure out of that game.

Some complain Christian McCaffery should play for Stanford in the Sun Bowl, that it should be about the game and not the future money. Right, except that Stanford by ranking should have been in the Holiday Bowl in sunny San Diego. But instead the Cardinal are in El Paso, where it could snow on Christmas, and be tough conditions, because the Holiday Bowl bypassed them in hopes of getting more fans, i.e. money, from WSU, #karmadoesntlovebowlgames

 

#LenaDunham just said “I still haven’t had an abortion. But I wish I had.”  Now she apologized and said it was a  “distasteful joke”.  Sigh.  Proof positive that no political party or persuasion has a monopoly on stupid.

If the Democratic party wants to look ahead, and we should, here’s an example of the kind of thing to stop: Yesterday, only two electors defected from Trump; four Democratic electors refused to vote for Clinton.

Ugh, many dead from an explosion fireworks market in Mexico City. This is a time when the U.S. is poised to give up even more of our civil liberties, not to mention spend more money. in fighting terrorism. But at the same time the incoming administration wants to eliminate more safety regulations as anti-business….
Yes, terrorism kills. So does carelessness. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong?

Monday night musings

December 5, 2016

LeBron James and some of his teammates have found alternate accommodations next week in Manhattan rather than stay at the Trump Soho in rooms booked by the team.
Standby for anti-Cavs tweets from our President Elect in 3.2.1….

Not only should he make the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Adam Vinatieri making strong push for AARP Hall of Fame.

As rough as tonight was for #Jets fans, good news is on the horizon. Next week New York plays the #49ers

Seeing tickets for many of these lesser bowl games going for well under cost and less than regular season games for many teams, can’t help but wonder, since it’s all about the $$$$, why not turn them into a playoff system? Can’t really be the idea that athletes need to go to class….

Justin Bieber said he will go on his first American stadium tour in August, with stops in Pasadena, Foxboro, Minneapolis, Denver, and the Meadowlands. Haven’t blue states suffered enough?,

Narendra Modi won the TIME Person of the Year Poll. Forget the controversy, millions of Americans are going “Who?

A woman went into labor and gave birth on a 3p Southwest flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. The plane diverted at 430p to Charleston to drop off the parents and baby at a local hospital, then continued to Orlando to arrive only an hour late.
Men are thinking “only an hour late, impressive.” Women are thinking. “labor and delivery under an hour and a half , REALLY impressive.”

Donald Trump “If the press would cover me accurately & honorably, I would have far less reason to “tweet.” Sadly, I don’t know if that will ever happen!”
Well ,yeah, the evil press keeps reporting every thing Trump says #howdarethey?.

Trying to imagine reaction had Hillary Clinton won election & made it clear Chelsea & Marc Mezvinsky were going to be her top White House advisors?

Police have dangerous job; I sympathize. But what did video need to show for Michael T. Slager to be convicted of murder of #WalterScott ?

Safeway is touting a program to “end hunger” by asking customers to donate this Holiday season. At the same time the Los Altos Safeway has 1-2 of 10 checkouts manned by a human, and about 8 “self-checkout” lanes. Wonder how many people in need of donations this year had jobs as cashiers last year?

Now Trump has picked #BenCarson as Secretary of HUD, despite Carson’s lack of experience. Did Trump figure “Well, it’s not brain surgery?”

So with Ben Carson as HUD Secretary will we solve some inner-city problems by building housing in pyramids that double as food storage facilities?

Some high school student asked San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich if his team is going to win it all this year.

here.

(courtesy Darren Rovell on Twitter.)  And some wonder why I root for the Spurs.

Amateur hour.

November 23, 2016

 

The SF 49ers, embroiled in a financial battle over stadium management with Santa Clara, have now slammed the city’s “‘disturbing trend of frivolous actions”
Uh, doesn’t “disturbing trend of frivolous actions” basically sum up the 49ers’ recent coaching decisions and draft picks?

 

 

Jill Stein is raising money for a recount in MI, WI & PA. Of course if Stein had really cared about the election she could have just not run.

 

RIP #Ralphbranca. So somewhere in heaven is #BobbyThomson smiling while he takes batting practice? #Dodgers #Giants

 

San Antonio @Spurs won again by 5, tonight against Hornets. Will #Popovich just send out a video of last night’s rant and say “ditto?”

Wendell Carter, a power forward considered the top uncommitted recruit for 2017, says he is going to Duke. These are tough decisions for these young men, deciding where to spend several months of their lives.

At this point aren’t all the warnings about the Samsung One Note 7 smart phones just a suggestion for potential terrorists on how to catch a plane on fire?

Trump has decided “the law’s totally on my side, the president can’t have a conflict of interest.” So while the Donald accused Hillary Clinton of “pay-to-play” with her foundation, he’s going to take care of things by getting richer and richer while IN the White House.

In California, as of today an estimated 1,797,333 unprocessed ballots remained in California from the Nov. 8 election. Wow. If only we had some creative high-tech talent in the state to work on a faster solution.

Carnival pulling the plug on their new “Fathom” volunteer-work oriented cruise line, which was designed for an “under-served market of consumers who want to have a positive impact on people’s lives”
Turns out the positive impact most cruise passengers really want on vacation is more about tipping waiters who bring them beer and umbrella drinks

Well, to be fair #BenCarson is probably as qualified to be Secretary of HUD as Donald Trump is to be President of the United States.

In March, Donald Trump tweeted “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley!” Today he appointed Haley Ambassador to the UN. Does this mean the Donald has changed his mind. Or is he showing us what he thinks of the UN?

#BetsyDeVos for Education secretary. Guess it makes #Trump sense, put someone in charge who doesn’t believe in public schools….

The NEA teacher’s union estimates that 1/3 of their members voted for Trump. And now the Donald has put a voucher advocate who hates public schools as head of the Dept. of Education.
Mean bitch karma is clearly bipartisan.