Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Monday night musings

December 5, 2016

LeBron James and some of his teammates have found alternate accommodations next week in Manhattan rather than stay at the Trump Soho in rooms booked by the team.
Standby for anti-Cavs tweets from our President Elect in 3.2.1….

Not only should he make the Pro Football Hall of Fame, Adam Vinatieri making strong push for AARP Hall of Fame.

As rough as tonight was for #Jets fans, good news is on the horizon. Next week New York plays the #49ers

Seeing tickets for many of these lesser bowl games going for well under cost and less than regular season games for many teams, can’t help but wonder, since it’s all about the $$$$, why not turn them into a playoff system? Can’t really be the idea that athletes need to go to class….

Justin Bieber said he will go on his first American stadium tour in August, with stops in Pasadena, Foxboro, Minneapolis, Denver, and the Meadowlands. Haven’t blue states suffered enough?,

Narendra Modi won the TIME Person of the Year Poll. Forget the controversy, millions of Americans are going “Who?

A woman went into labor and gave birth on a 3p Southwest flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. The plane diverted at 430p to Charleston to drop off the parents and baby at a local hospital, then continued to Orlando to arrive only an hour late.
Men are thinking “only an hour late, impressive.” Women are thinking. “labor and delivery under an hour and a half , REALLY impressive.”

Donald Trump “If the press would cover me accurately & honorably, I would have far less reason to “tweet.” Sadly, I don’t know if that will ever happen!”
Well ,yeah, the evil press keeps reporting every thing Trump says #howdarethey?.

Trying to imagine reaction had Hillary Clinton won election & made it clear Chelsea & Marc Mezvinsky were going to be her top White House advisors?

Police have dangerous job; I sympathize. But what did video need to show for Michael T. Slager to be convicted of murder of #WalterScott ?

Safeway is touting a program to “end hunger” by asking customers to donate this Holiday season. At the same time the Los Altos Safeway has 1-2 of 10 checkouts manned by a human, and about 8 “self-checkout” lanes. Wonder how many people in need of donations this year had jobs as cashiers last year?

Now Trump has picked #BenCarson as Secretary of HUD, despite Carson’s lack of experience. Did Trump figure “Well, it’s not brain surgery?”

So with Ben Carson as HUD Secretary will we solve some inner-city problems by building housing in pyramids that double as food storage facilities?

Some high school student asked San Antonio coach Gregg Popovich if his team is going to win it all this year.

here.

(courtesy Darren Rovell on Twitter.)  And some wonder why I root for the Spurs.

Amateur hour.

November 23, 2016

 

The SF 49ers, embroiled in a financial battle over stadium management with Santa Clara, have now slammed the city’s “‘disturbing trend of frivolous actions”
Uh, doesn’t “disturbing trend of frivolous actions” basically sum up the 49ers’ recent coaching decisions and draft picks?

 

 

Jill Stein is raising money for a recount in MI, WI & PA. Of course if Stein had really cared about the election she could have just not run.

 

RIP #Ralphbranca. So somewhere in heaven is #BobbyThomson smiling while he takes batting practice? #Dodgers #Giants

 

San Antonio @Spurs won again by 5, tonight against Hornets. Will #Popovich just send out a video of last night’s rant and say “ditto?”

Wendell Carter, a power forward considered the top uncommitted recruit for 2017, says he is going to Duke. These are tough decisions for these young men, deciding where to spend several months of their lives.

At this point aren’t all the warnings about the Samsung One Note 7 smart phones just a suggestion for potential terrorists on how to catch a plane on fire?

Trump has decided “the law’s totally on my side, the president can’t have a conflict of interest.” So while the Donald accused Hillary Clinton of “pay-to-play” with her foundation, he’s going to take care of things by getting richer and richer while IN the White House.

In California, as of today an estimated 1,797,333 unprocessed ballots remained in California from the Nov. 8 election. Wow. If only we had some creative high-tech talent in the state to work on a faster solution.

Carnival pulling the plug on their new “Fathom” volunteer-work oriented cruise line, which was designed for an “under-served market of consumers who want to have a positive impact on people’s lives”
Turns out the positive impact most cruise passengers really want on vacation is more about tipping waiters who bring them beer and umbrella drinks

Well, to be fair #BenCarson is probably as qualified to be Secretary of HUD as Donald Trump is to be President of the United States.

In March, Donald Trump tweeted “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley!” Today he appointed Haley Ambassador to the UN. Does this mean the Donald has changed his mind. Or is he showing us what he thinks of the UN?

#BetsyDeVos for Education secretary. Guess it makes #Trump sense, put someone in charge who doesn’t believe in public schools….

The NEA teacher’s union estimates that 1/3 of their members voted for Trump. And now the Donald has put a voucher advocate who hates public schools as head of the Dept. of Education.
Mean bitch karma is clearly bipartisan.

Count down

November 7, 2016

Some bipartisan good news on this pre-election weekend. It is now less than 100 days until pitchers & catchers report. #SpringTraining #MLB

The over-under on @Saints @49ers today was 53. Has anyone in Vegas watched New Orleans offense AND defense play?

 

Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was ejected today after throwing a towel at an officlal. Had Kelce hit the guy he might have received an offer to QB the Browns.

Former SF 49ers coach Mike Nolan “You could do a lot worse” than Trent Baalke in picking players. Even Cleveland Browns fans are going “Really?”

A Swiss chocolate maker has created a new “Frauenmond” bar with herbs that is supposed to help with menstrual cramps and lift women’s moods during their periods. Well, chocolate has long been known to help at “that time of month.” As long as men get out of the way and let women have it.

 

Apparently the protestor who so scared everyone at the Trump rally in Reno had broken a “no private signs” rule. Figures. Trump is a huge defender of the 2nd amendment. But he’s not so big on the 1st.

Nancy Pelosi came out today in favor of a California proposition to legalize marijuana. And a lot of regular users are thinking, isn’t this a bit late for next month’s election?

 

I liked Gilda Radner’s Roseanne Roseannadana’s act much better than #FBI director Jim #Comey‘s. #NeverMind

Even though the gun rumor was quickly debunked, Donald Trump Jr and Trump’s social media director tweeted last night about an assassination attempt. Because maybe they thought everyone at a Trump rally SHOULD have a gun?

Lots of last minute political fundraising emails, as if there’s time for mailers, hiring staff or even finding 30 seconds of air time to buy?

 

With this email mess, #JimComey might have gotten more hatred from Democrats AND Republicans in D.C. than anyone not named Dan Snyder.

Trump’s aides have apparently taken away his Twitter access until Tuesday. And now the Twitter site was down Sunday night. Coincidence? “If I can’t tweet, nobody tweets”

Re Trump ban on private signs at rallies: could anyone write anything more offensive than some of the things he actually says?

 

Donald Trump has done a faster 180 degree turn around on how he feels about FBI Director Jim Comey than about anyone he hasn’t married.

With all talk about #DNCLeak2 good time for #RNC to release their emails, prove how honorable they are by comparison?

and a post World Series comment from Marc Ragovin: “World Chess Federation officials are concerned about a possible lack of interest in the upcoming championship tournament because a typical game can take up to six hours to complete.  “Amateurs,” said Major League Baseball.

It’s all about standards:

November 1, 2016

While we attack political pandering in the US, give White  Sox fan Barack Obama major props for not pretending to root for the Cubs in the World Series

Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested yesterday for alleged domestic violence. Shocking NY fans who thought all Familia hit in October was other teams’ bats.

Add #Familia to the list, along with #Chapman, of closers #SFGiants want nothing to do with.

 

New ad #JeurysFamilia: “I’m a baseball fan. I’m a Mets fan. I’m NOT A FAN of domestic violence.” Not a fan because he is a DV player? Sigh

 

Eagles WR Josh Huff was arrested this morning. He was allegedly speeding while in possession of a gun AND marijuana. So is that the NFL arrest trifecta?

Sean Payton yesterday “We’re the only league that has officials that have primary other jobs, which is really madness. We can pay these guys. They should be full-time NFL officials, and they should be working throughout the week, communicating”
Can’t wait to see how much Roger Goodell penalizes the Saints for this one.

Washington LT Trent WIlliams the latest NFL player suspended four -games for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. But he can still work out and go to team meetings, so should be back and fresh in plenty of time for any potential  postseason. Other than the lack of pay anyone but me thinking these wrist-slaps are almost a mid-season vacation?

The SF 49ers are allowing the most points per game, and are averaging the fewest yards in NFL. Talk about a well-balanced team.

As the FBI absurdity continues have to think that private meeting Bill Clinton had with Loretta Lynch on the tarmac is making Hillary angrier even than she was about Monica.

 

Anti @HillaryClinton ad during the #WorldSeries Sponsored by NRA. Another reason to say #ImWithHer

If  Wikileaks & FBI about to leak every email sent in last 10 years to national media, I’m sure most Americans would have nothing to hide.

Monday the FBI just happened to release documents about Bill Clinton’s pardon of Marc Rich (remember him?) in 2001. Then they issued a tweet about the files today. Anyone still think the bureau is impartial?

Shall we start a pool on what documents @FBI will release tomorrow? #VinceFoster, #Whitewater, @HillaryClinton’s report cards? #WTF?

Regarding John Kasich’s choice to write in John McCain instead of either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, wonder if he plans to run for President again in 2020. When no doubt the Ohio Governor would tell Americans he is ready to make the really tough choices facing this country.

Out of bounds?

October 27, 2016

If the Raiders head to Las Vegas, Oakland still might not be without a team.  At this point Santa Clara/SF might ask them to “take our 49ers, please.”

The NFL wonders why ratings are down. Lots of complicated hypotheses – but then there are simple answers – like tonight’s nationally televised game – Jaguars vs. Titans. #nobodycares

Twitter is shutting down #Vine. Advantage of being slow to adopt new technologies, wait long enough & some of it disappears before you get around to it.

#Twitter announced they are laying off 9% of their workers. Does this mean we’ll soon be down to 127 characters?

Mike #Pence campaign plane skidded off runway at #LaGuardia. No details but pretty sure it didn’t veer to the left.#Trump

Earlier today Mike Pence was asked if there was a “red line” Trump could cross that might cause him to leave the GOP ticket. His answer “We’re in this campaign and we’re in it to win,” Translation, “no.”

(Maybe Pence should have told his pilot about red lines on the runway?)

 

A Texas A&M freshman was arrested after she allegedly opened her blouse to take a Snapchat picture to send to her boyfriend.  While allegedly drunk. And driving. Until she  crashed her car… into a police car.  No injuries. But another Darwin award #misseditbythatmuch

More than $5 million worth of cocaine washed ashore in a tube in Ireland. Talk about a high tide.

 

The GOP is already promising blocked Supreme Court nominees and Congressional investigations if Hillary Clinton wins on Nov. 8. Or as President Obama calls it, business as usual.

Ted Cruz’s latest “there is long historical precedent for a Supreme Court with fewer justices.” For such a self-described constitutionalist, Ted sure seems to have skipped the “advise and consent” part.

Former Congressman Joe Walsh tweeted out “On November 8th, I’m voting for Trump. On November 9th, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket. You in?”
Ah yes, that GOP bridge to the 18th century.

 

At Ohio rally today, @realDonaldTrump “we should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump.” Would be funnier if he were joking.

Some reports on the Mike Pence plane semi-crash landing at La Guardia are that the plane was moving too fast in the rain, and overshot the runway. But hey so, it was only ordinary travelers who were delayed and taxpayer dollars will no doubt pay for the cleanup and investigation. #MakeAmericaGreatforBillionairesagain

At Rapid City’s airport, a SkyWest Airlnes pilot was arrested for alleged DUI before he was scheduled to fly a plane. Will his defense be that he really aspired to work for Delta?

 

Donald Trump said today NBC’s releasing the Billy Bush tape “was “certainly illegal, no question about it.,” and indicated he might sue.
But of course all the Wikileaks emails involving Hillary Clinton are pure freedom of speech….

 

Kansas Rep. Joe Seiwert, commenting about singer Denasia Lawrence kneeling down before a basketball game “I’m so sick of these anti-American blacks, f–k Black Live Matter. Go back to where you claim home”
Thinking a whole lot of Native Americans are thinking, “Back at ya.”

Sometimes you wonder why any sane person would ever go into politics. Here’s partial Wikileak quote from Huma Abedin on Hillary planning to speak about a Super Pac issue with Jeb Bush. “She’s going to stick to notes a little closer this am, still not perfect in her head”
Okay, I’ve only done a little speaking, but seems reasonable, when you don’t have something down cold, and you don’t want to make mistakes, you use notes. And conservative sites are saying “not perfect in her head” means she has an illness affecting her brain.

The Buck stops here?

October 24, 2016

There is a petition being circulated to replace Joe Buck with Bob Uecker for the World Series. They had me at “replace Joe Buck.”

In the December 2014 Foster Farms Bowl matching Stanford and Maryland at Levi’s Stadium, so few fans were interested that organizers closed off the upper bowl of the stadium and moved everyone down to the lower levels.
So for future home games, how much worse do the 49ers have to get before the team decides to do the same thing?

#NFL wonders why TV ratings are down & then Seahawks and Cardinals play to a 6-6 tie in overtime on Sunday Night Football.

 

General Mills said today they will produce limited-edition Girl Scout cookie cereal, in both Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavors. Isn’t it easier to just eat cookies for breakfast?

Saddest thing about this election? Molly Ivins is not still on earth to cover it.

Monday – October 24- was the last day to register to vote in California. So presume everyone who has not voted has forfeited bitching rights until next election!

Elizabeth Warren to Trump “nasty women have really had it with guys like you. And on November 8. we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.”
Sometimes even the best SNL skit is no match for reality. #YouGoGirl

 

Despite Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments, a recent Zogby poll showed 12% of Arab-American Muslims said they’d vote for him. Guessing 99% of that 12% are men?

This sort of thing would be funnier if it weren’t true: Trump, denying his latest accuser “And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
Can just imagine the Donald’s response on the subject of marital rape…

Last week President Obama said that while people worry about being “left behind” with globalization “To try to pull-up a drawbridge on trade would only hurt us and hurt our workers.”
To which Chris Christie no doubt responded “Uh, you don’t need a drawbridge.”

Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara, asked about any “October Surprises” today, responded “There’s still a couple of days left in October. So, we’ll see, we’ve got some stuff up our sleeve.”
Yeah, sounds like she’s become a Trump alright.

 –

Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway claimed that her boss would love more debates “the country benefits from those type of forum and we’d be willing to do another one if somehow they can squeeze it in.”
So is Conway really working for the Donald? Or for Alec Baldwin?

 

Donald Trump today, trying to feed the hand he’s been biting “Go out and vote and that includes helping me reelect Republicans all over the place. He then added: “I hope they help me too! It’d be nice if they help us too, right?”
Someone really should tell the Donald that there is this thing called the internet that keeps track of every insult you say.

 

 

 

 

Marc Ragovin   “After watching the Giants/Rams game, I am surprised the Brits haven’t severed relations with the US.”

 

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.

 

These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans

 

#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak

 

Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.

 

 

While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport

 

Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport

 

Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport