Posted tagged ‘49ers jokes’

Missing it by that much?

November 13, 2017

Once again, looking like #49ers will come up just short in their quest for the #1 NFL draft pick.

A New Jersey bar owner said he boycotted NFL Veteran’s Day weekend over players kneeling during anthem. Either that or because @nyjets & @Giants both suck?

In NFC, Rams, Vikings and Saints all leading their divisions. Just like the preseason pundits predicted.

49ers fans thrilled about 1st week of season without a loss. And next week the team has pretty good chance against “Bye Week.”

There was a streaker on the field late in 4th quarter in Buffalo. He had a better running day than the Bills offense against the Saints.

Butch Jones, w/ 4-6 record this year, has been fired as head football coach at Tennessee. #Browns fans wonder, was he fired for over-achieving?

Just wondering, how drunk do you have to be to be thrown out of a bar in Las Vegas? #OJSimpson

 

Oh please oh please let someone ask Trump about Keurig? “Never met them, the allegations are false.”

 

If you #BoycottKeurig does that mean you spend more money at #Starbucks? Being conservative at times must be so confusing.

Thinking there’s going to be a real market for someone who can fix broken Keurigs when some angry conservatives calm down & miss their coffee.

Damn, with Trump supporters attacking #NFL and #Keurig what’s a liberal worried about CTE who doesn’t like pretentious coffee to do?

Lost w/ all attention given to @realDonaldTrump’s “short & fat” comment on Kim Jong-Un is other tweet complaining Hillary had “no chemistry” w/ Putin.

Authorities say 50 pounds of cocaine washed up on a central Florida beach. Talk about a high-tide.

Now Roy More defenders trying to discredit his 1st accuser by bringing up her divorces. Maybe “dating” him at 14 DID mess her up for life?

To me  his 1st accuser being divorced 3 times actually makes her more credible. Being sexual w/ a 32 yr old at 14 would screw a lot of women up.

 

Would #RoyMoore supporters be more likely to believe allegations if Moore were a customer of Hillary’s pedophile-run pizza parlor? #pizzagate #sarcasm

Do we really expect a man who said he’d date his daughter to condemn Roy Moore over pursuing teenage girls?

 

So Trump is insulting former CIA/FBI guys -, Clapper, Brennan, Comey and Mueller. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Not a “thoughts & prayers” kind of gal but maybe those who are could spare some “thought & prayers” after earthquake for people in Iraq and Iran.

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Long and the short of it?

October 22, 2017

So if the Astros win the World Series will they ask Altuve if he is going to Disneyland? Even though he’s not tall enough for most of rides?

Verlander named #ALCS MVP. Dodgers trying to talk to SF Giants to see if there’s any way they can somehow still trade for Pablo Sandoval.

 

Confused about all these tweets about #TheWalkingDead Is everyone talking about the #49ers or #Browns?

 

Well, at least Falcons didn’t break their fans’ hearts tonight vs. Patriots.

Took OT to do it but Browns held serve on their quest for 0-16.     Though they were more than matched by 49ers.

After 0-2 start, Saints are 4-2 and in first place in NFC South. Hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

Looking like all Cowboys starters could have knelt for anthem, been benched, and Dallas would still have beaten 49ers.

 

With Justin Timberlake doing Super Bowl half time assume it’s too much to hope for that he might do a version of “D*ck in a box?

Maybe it would be faster and easier if all the women in Hollywood who WEREN’T assaulted by Harvey Weinstein came forward?

All these outraged at Federica Wilson calling out President, didn’t seem to have a problem when it was Joe Wilson calling Obama a liar during the State of the Union.

So Weinstein case somehow taints all Democrats, but O’Reilly case is a witch hunt & not like he ever did anything for GOP anyway. #WTF?

WH insists it’s inappropriate to criticize four-star general. Except Colin Powell, John Allen & any others who disagree with Trump.

Jimmy Carter “media harder on Trump than any other president.” Puts Trump in tough position, dare he tell base he agrees w/Jimmy Carter?

 

 

First Harvey Weinstein, then Roy Price, now James Toback. Wonder what other Hollywood men are worried about being next?

John McCain, reminding many of us again how in the pre-Palin days he used to be our favorite Republican: “One aspect of the (Vietnam) conflict by the way that I will never ever countenance is that we drafted the lowest income level of America and the highest income level found a doctor that would say that they had a bone spur….”

From TC   “NBA coach Gregg Popovich has blasted Dotard many times. I wonder if he may offer tribute to him by suggesting to rename his team “The San Antonio Bone Spurs”.

 

Running away with it?

September 21, 2017

 

Ryan Trahan, a Texas A&M athlete, has been told he may lose his eligibility over “Neptune bottles”, his ecologically friendly steel reusable bottle company, because the NCAA thinks it he might be profiting on his “athletics reputation or ability.”
Trahan, a freshman, is a cross-country runner. And we all know that sport is about the fame and big bucks. #WTF?

LaGuardia power failure this am resulted in many flight delays. It was the biggest power outage for NY in the summer not involving the Mets.

Anyone else think it’s not just their records – colors of #49ers #Rams uniforms make it look like watching college teams?

Apparently #AaronHernandez had CTE. Maybe Mama Boucher was right about “foosball is of the devil.”

Charles Barkley, scoffing at today’s “soft” NBA players, said when he was playing, players “flew commercial and we were able to play back-to-back.”
And we walked to school five miles in the snow, uphill, both ways…

Ok, now it’s SNOWING in Montana. You don’t have to be a scientist to get the idea that Mother Nature is really not happy with us.

Everyone thinking “relax, no way abomination known as #GrahamCassidy will pass” – we thought no way Trump gets elected either. #keepcalling

So Jimmy Kimmel is being branded as a “Hollywood Elite” by supporters of our Reality Television Star President. #whythereisnosatire

Entire island of Puerto Rico is w/out power; restoring it may take “months.” These are US citizens. Sorry Trump, “stay safe” isn’t enough.

Iowa Sen Grassley on Graham-Cassidy “You know, I could maybe give you 10 reasons why this bill shouldn’t be considered. But Republicans campaigned on this so often that you have a responsibility to carry out what you said in the campaign.”
And why should this promise be different from most other campaign promises?

 

Facebook will now apparently release the Russian election ads, and Mark Zuckerberg said company was determined to make it “much harder” for anyone to interfere in elections and to “use our tools to undermine democracy.”
Then after his statement did Zuckerberg go out to lock the barn door and look for his horses?

Haley –Trump name calling worked w/ Kim Jong Un- Every other international community referring to him as ‘Rocket ​M​an.’” What are we, 6?

Trump calls Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man” Kim Jong Un calls Trump “mentally deranged US dotard” This would all be much more entertaining if they both didn’t have weapons of mass destruction.

#Dotard” – I guess you find it in the dictionary after “Covfefe.”

Risky business.

September 20, 2017

After a child sitting five rows up was hit by a foul ball at Yankee Stadium, some are calling again for netting all the way to the foul line.
Now, no doubt it was traumatic for the kid, but over 100 years children have also dreamed of getting autographs and souvenir baseballs before and during games. Children can also be injured, for example, in cars driving to the game.

And 3-4 children a year die playing baseball, including Little League.    Should we outlaw that too?

 

Looking at various online sites, at this rate fans going to #Rams #49ers at Levis Stadium Thurs. will pay more for a beer & a hot dog than their tickets.

Since the SFGiants brought Ryan Vogelsong back to retire a Giant, they have actually looked like a pretty decent baseball team. Coincidence?

My friend Paul S. also points out, the mini-resurgence also coincides with when we heard about Sam Dyson’s cat, Snuckles. And when Dyson brought Snuckles on the field…. Hey, whatever works.

44 years ago tonight Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs. What’s amazing now is at the time some people were shocked. #BattleoftheSexes

Great pictures of #JohnKelly during Trumps #UNGA speech. Normally when people look that disgusted in New York they’re watching the Jets.

 

Trump on Iran nuclear deal “I have decided.” And “I’ll let you know what the decision is.” When, after the break? #PresidentialApprentice

Seaside, CA, police chief Robert Jackson resigned after posting racist comments and conspiracy theories jokes & commentary on his FB page. Monterey County Weekly reported he didn’t understand the privacy settings: This is alarming to me. I didn’t realize it was that open to the public”
What’s more alarming, that Jackson is a racist, or that he’s stupid enough to post anything online without checking how it works?

Trump mispronounced African country “Namibia” as “Nambia.” But give him a break,  guessing  President just heard name for 1st time from advisor yesterday.

Trump tweet “Graham-Cassidy Bill is GREAT! Ends Ocare.”
Translation, ANYTHING is great if it ends something Obama did.

 

Sorry that #IvankaTrump had “some level of postpartum depression.” But compared with not being to afford insurance for babies w/ birth defects?

When asked about Shanah Tovah assume @realDonaldTrump responded whatever Shanah says, she’s lying, wouldn’t have been my first choice.

#MelaniaTrump gives a speech at UN talking about the golden rule. Donald just has his own version – whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Trump insists people under proposed  #GrahamCassidy  bill can get covered for pre-existing conditions.   Right, exactly,  like they can buy homes in Trump Tower, if they have enough money.

 

At this point have to assume anyone in Trump administration charged w/ “draining the swamp” would charter private plane to fly & view the swamp

Striving for mediocrity?

September 17, 2017

Forget who’s going to get a win first, the 49ers or Bengals? Who’s going to score a touchdown first?

On a brighter note, neither team is likely to get many penalties for excessive celebration.

With their 3rd field goal today, the 49ers didn’t outscore the Seahawks. But they barely outscored the SF Giants who somehow managed to score 7.

Who knew – Tony Romo is already a seriously good NFL color analyst. This might finally be his ticket for success in the postseason.

The Indians are back on a winning streak.  Meanwhile bigger story in Cleveland is that the Browns actually scored a touchdown.

 

Watching some of games today & thinking maybe it’s that Colin Kaepernick might be too good to be some NFL teams’ quarterback.

Looking ahead to #NFL Week 3 – #Browns vs #Colts . Otherwise known as the “Someone’s got to win Bowl?”

NY Jets players said they were “infuriated” and “demoralized” when Marshawn Lynch did a dance on the sidelines late in Sunday’s game.  Of course, what should really have them infuriated and demoralized is losing to the Raiders by 25.

#Stanford lost the lead and the game to #SDSU after power was restored at SDCCU stadium last night. De-Lighted?

So the real question of the night, after #Emmys who will @realDonaldTrump attack with a tweet at 3am?

Since Sean Spicer sort of admits he lied as Press Secretary,  will the Emmy’s invite Donald Trump some day in future if he admits lying as President?

Seeing Sean Spicer on the Emmy’s makes me long for days when middle-aged white men caught lying for a President went to jail. #Watergate

Just imagining what would have happened if UN Ambassador had explained behavior of Hillary Clinton’s by saying “She gets emotional.”

Trump calls Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man” Funny, when I think of President & Elton John it’s more like “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word.”

How do we report to Melania Trump anti online-bullying campaign someone is joking about hitting women w/ golf balls? Asking for a country.

Houston, where are we?

February 22, 2017

The Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum is sending the Apollo 11 Command Module on a tour around the U.S. to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. 50 years?! Wow. Assume the capsule will travel cross country with its left blinker on.

After receiving a new NCAA notice of allegations that brings the total to 21, Ole Miss officials announced they are self-imposing a one-year bowl ban for the 2017 season.
What a shame after their great 2016 bowl appearance…. oh, wait, they were 5-7. Never mind.

 

Rumors are that Kirk Cousins might be traded from the Redskins to the 49ers. Would be the owner equivalent of going from one frying pan into a younger frying pan.

 

In April, McDonald’s will have a promotion where all soft drinks, even the extra-large size, will be only $1. Using the restroom, however, may be $5.

“7 Earth-size planets found orbiting nearby star” How long until Trump takes credit for making galaxy great again. HUGE

 

So this intentional walk change in MLB is for real. Got a better idea with same time results, let the pitcher still throw his 4 pitches, but take one of the between-inning commercials and put it on half the screen. Then shorten one of those breaks. #dontmesswithbaseball

Kellyanne Conway hasn’t been seen lately. Wonder if she’s in the same “undisclosed location” they used to put Dick Cheney?

From Politico article talking to Trump associates “Leaving him alone for several hours can prove damaging, because he consumes too much television and gripes to people outside the White House.”
So basically Twitter has become his way of screaming “You punks get off my lawn?”

If protestors were paid as often as @POTUS & @PressSec seem to think they are, they’d be rich enough to vote GOP.

Pence says GOP will bring “individual responsibility back to American health care.” In other words, if you’re sick it’s your responsibility.

So if transgender bathrooms are a states’ rights issue, does that mean that, for example, marijuana is too?

 

As much as some conservatives freak out, guessing most have been in bathrooms with transgenders & HAVEN’T EVEN NOTICED.

 

It’s as dangerous to allow trans kids in school bathrooms  as it was to visit Bowling Green during the massacre. #ProtectTransKids

 

Reportedly six White House staffers left last week after failing FBI background checks. Considering some of the stories on those who DID make it through, even to the Cabinet, you do have to wonder what these guys did.

 

 

Marc Ragovin FTW

Lakers President Jeanie Buss has fired her brother Jim because of the team’s poor record. “Amateur,” said Kim Jong-Un

At last?

January 18, 2017

Adam Schefter of ESPN reports 49ers will offer their coaching job to Kyle Shanahan after the Falcons’ season has ended. So guess Kyle has to decide if he’s already had enough of playoff pressure.

Actually, Jed York DOES know it was Kyle’s dad Mike who won those Super Bowls, right?

 

 

Redskins owner owner Dan Snyder attended a gala pre-inaugural dinner in DC, along  with Trump, Pence, and Kellyanne Conway.  And of course he’s happy, with Trump moving into the White House, Snyder is longer most hated man in town.

Lebron James said that the Cavs and Warriors aren’t rivals, just “two great teams that have aspirations.” Draymond Green disagrees ”
“Yeah, I think this is a rivalry.” Well, at least it’s nice to have an argument make any sort of headlines these days that isn’t political.

 

In Colorado, a 24-year old Maserati salesman died this weekend in a single-car crash shortly after posting video of himself Facebook Live video of himself driving one of the cars at 111 mph.
Guess he’s the front-runner for 2017’s most expensive Darwin?

Headline “McDonald’s just made a major change to the Big Mac.” Ok, who but me thought saw this and thought – “They’re adding meat?

A DC hair stylist has gone public after Marla Maples asked her to waive her fees to do her & Tiffany’s hair for the inaugural in exchange for “exposure on social media.” Marla’s contact wrote the stylist that she is “messing with the president of the United States, as Maples’ child-support is ending now that Tiffany is 22, and “She is used to a certain lifestyle and you don’t understand that.”
Tragic, really.

Gloria Allred held a press conference this morning with a woman who has accused Trump of sexual assault. And the alleged victim will be filing a lawsuit against the President-Elect.
Yep, you definitely see why Ringling Bros is shutting down. They really can’t compete.

#TrumpHistoryLecture Lincoln, overrated. I’d have freed the slaves without a war. And I’d have never wasted time with a silly play.

In an interview this weekend, President-elect Trump said that NATO was “obsolete.” And we thought as tourists in Europe we’ve been “ugly Americans before….

Sen. Patty Murray today asked Secretary of Education nominee Betsy DeVos if she would commit to keeping funding for public schools intact.
Her response “I look forward, if confirmed, to talking about how we address the needs of all parents and all students.”
Although to be fair, based on 2016 election results, you could argue that U.S. public education isn’t working.

#BetsyDeVos‘s confirmation hearing performance didn’t do much to advance myth of superiority of a private school education.

Trump tweet today that “people are pouring into DC in record numbers.” Ah okay, so that’s why my travel agency computer shows all these hotel rooms available – some at normal reasonable prices.
#hedidntsaywhatkindofrecord