Posted tagged ‘Browns jokes’

Missing it by that much?

November 13, 2017

Once again, looking like #49ers will come up just short in their quest for the #1 NFL draft pick.

A New Jersey bar owner said he boycotted NFL Veteran’s Day weekend over players kneeling during anthem. Either that or because @nyjets & @Giants both suck?

In NFC, Rams, Vikings and Saints all leading their divisions. Just like the preseason pundits predicted.

49ers fans thrilled about 1st week of season without a loss. And next week the team has pretty good chance against “Bye Week.”

There was a streaker on the field late in 4th quarter in Buffalo. He had a better running day than the Bills offense against the Saints.

Butch Jones, w/ 4-6 record this year, has been fired as head football coach at Tennessee. #Browns fans wonder, was he fired for over-achieving?

Just wondering, how drunk do you have to be to be thrown out of a bar in Las Vegas? #OJSimpson

 

Oh please oh please let someone ask Trump about Keurig? “Never met them, the allegations are false.”

 

If you #BoycottKeurig does that mean you spend more money at #Starbucks? Being conservative at times must be so confusing.

Thinking there’s going to be a real market for someone who can fix broken Keurigs when some angry conservatives calm down & miss their coffee.

Damn, with Trump supporters attacking #NFL and #Keurig what’s a liberal worried about CTE who doesn’t like pretentious coffee to do?

Lost w/ all attention given to @realDonaldTrump’s “short & fat” comment on Kim Jong-Un is other tweet complaining Hillary had “no chemistry” w/ Putin.

Authorities say 50 pounds of cocaine washed up on a central Florida beach. Talk about a high-tide.

Now Roy More defenders trying to discredit his 1st accuser by bringing up her divorces. Maybe “dating” him at 14 DID mess her up for life?

To me  his 1st accuser being divorced 3 times actually makes her more credible. Being sexual w/ a 32 yr old at 14 would screw a lot of women up.

 

Would #RoyMoore supporters be more likely to believe allegations if Moore were a customer of Hillary’s pedophile-run pizza parlor? #pizzagate #sarcasm

Do we really expect a man who said he’d date his daughter to condemn Roy Moore over pursuing teenage girls?

 

So Trump is insulting former CIA/FBI guys -, Clapper, Brennan, Comey and Mueller. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Not a “thoughts & prayers” kind of gal but maybe those who are could spare some “thought & prayers” after earthquake for people in Iraq and Iran.

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Drained?

November 11, 2016

So about when will Donald Trump realize that it is now HIS alligators and his swamp?

Have to think George W. Bush is smiling just a bit. Decent chance many will no longer think he’s worst US President In recent memory

 

Melania Trump and Michelle Obama apparently had a nice meeting in the White House today. Assume Melania asked Michelle for names of her favorite florist, chef, restaurants, speechwriter….

If #Trump is really going to start deporting immigrants how will Melania get her nails done?

Well, at least Thursday night Americans could take a break & have the biggest thing that sucks on TV be the #Browns. #CLEvsBAL

And early in the game, the Browns were actually ahead.  Until they reverted to form.  There alas went the 49ers best chance at a #1 draft pick.

NY Giants WR Victor Cruz, asked about Donald Trump post-election “My mom told me one time that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. So I’m gonna stick to that one.”
#notsodumbjock

Alabama football coach Nick Saban claimed today he had no idea there was a Presidential election Tuesday. “We’re focused on other things here”. Sigh. Pretty sure those other things don’t include education.

Your non-election Florida item for the afternoon: According to police affidavits, FIU senior TE Jonnu Smith’s girlfriend was upset about him not paying enough attention to her, so she poured boiling water on him. Smith is now out for the season with multiple burns. Oh, and she’s pregnant with their child. And you thought YOUR parents were embarrassing.

Rudy Giuliani on plans to “lock her up” with Hillary Clinton “I think that somebody should review that very carefully, as to how bad is that evidence. And if it isn’t as bad as some of the exaggerators think it is, then maybe the best thing to do is forget about it and move on.”
“Some of the exaggerators?” And Rudy said it with a straight face.

The Obamacare federal exchange had more than 100,000 signups yesterday, their largest day of the year. Lovely, so the threat of fines doesn’t spur people to action, but the threat of a Trump presidency does.

Waiting to see Trump announce simple new health plan that is much cheaper than Obamacare – “You get well without a doctor or you die”

So far Donald Trump’s transition team is heavy on Heritage Foundation types, K street lobbyists and GOP insiders. So was “drain the swamp” simply to get easier access to some of the bottom feeders there?

Going to be interesting to see if Donald Trump has any women in his administration. One problem, leaving misogyny aside, is any woman attractive enough to be “his first choice” might well not want to get within groping distance.

Wondering with all these ambitious legislative plans if #GOP has forgotten about that little 60 vote rule in Senate they loved so much.

Someone gave the Donald his Twitter account back    “Just had a very open and successful presidential election. Now professional protesters, incited by the media, are protesting. Very unfair!”

Such a gracious winner.

Apparently some anti-Trump protests are blocking traffic in the SF Bay Area. (Interstate 80). While I’m as upset about this election as anyone, making people late for work, childcare pickup, etc, etc, is a really good way to turn off anyone even a little bit moderate.

 

 

Many of these Trump protesters are young, some too young to vote. (Although I sure hope those who could, did.) But thinking about it, I can understand how this election hit the younger generation especially hard.
They have grown up with concepts we middle-aged and old farts never did: global warming, the idea of racial equality, anti-bullying and sexual assault messages, openly LGBT friends, taco trucks on the corner…. And with a soft-spoken African-American president.
It’s not just that we’ve elected a Republican, it’s that we’ve elected a man who at times has gone against all these people and things, and more. That is very very scary.

Nous sommes avec brussels

March 22, 2016

 

But if we stop we stop laughing the terrorists win. ‪#‎Brussels‬

And note to terrorists – Pis off.

pis

(mannekin pis,  the unofficial symbol of Brussels.)

Already some GOP criticism that Obama did not leave Cuba and fly home after the Brussels bombings. Of course, if he had, no doubt the same folks would have accused the President of looking weak and cowed in response to terrorism.

So let’s see, will Trump or Cruz be the first to call for internment camps?

For all those who are remembering “24” and thinking what we need is Jack  Bauer, or just more torture to prevent attacks, there’s one little detail – torture often doesn’t work. And then we put American lives more at risk. Just saying. And no, it isn’t easy. It is never easy. ‪#‎Brussels‬

The Browns’ owners Jimmy and Dee Haslam said today they don’t feel they enabled Johnny Manziel while he was in Cleveland. And they said it with a straight face.

 

Jerry Jones says he wants to help Johnny Manziel get his life together off the field before the Cowboys would consider signing him. Translation, we think Romo is healthy and we’re not in panic mode, yet.

Usain Bolt says he is retiring after the Rio Olympics, and some talk of trying to turn him into a NFL wide receiver But hey, Olympics are over in August. Why not a pinch-runner to be used during MLB’s September call-ups?

Police in Los Angeles are looking for a JetBlue flight attendant who fled after being chosen for random security screening, leaving behind 70 lbs of cocaine in her carry-on luggage. Shocking, who can LIFT 70 lbs in their carry-on luggage.

In Alabama, state legislators are considering a bill requiring all teachers to take training on how not to have sex with their students. This is a state that also has “abstinence-only” education. Maybe put the teachers in the same classes? ‪#‎youcannotmakethisstuffup‬

Rudy Giuliani apparently is about to endorse Donald Trump. No date given, but presumably his press conference will be at 9:11 some morning.

 

CNN “Since declaring its caliphate in June 2014, the self-proclaimed Islamic State has conducted or inspired nearly 75 terrorist attacks in 20 countries outside Iraq and Syria which have killed at least 1,280 people and injured more than 1,770 others.”
Scary. But now for the stats just from the U.S: Through March 22, in 2016, gun violence has killed 2,803 people and injured 5.617 others.

In 2017, Sarah Palin is apparently going to star in a new “Judge Judy-style” courtroom reality show. Dear gawd. Is this the first step in Palin’s dream of being appointed by President Trump to the Supreme Court?

 –

Democratic caucus results in Idaho were delayed tonight. Wouldn’t it be have been easier to ask both Democrats in Idaho how they voted?

R.I.P. Rob Ford. Only 46. He was often a punchline as mayor of Toronto. But he loved his city, he loved his constituents, and while he was deeply flawed, he wasn’t mean.

Guilty guilty guilty.

April 15, 2015

“I am shocked”. Said absolutely no one. ‪#‎AaronHernandez‬.

 

 

Turns out the person who most needed an ‪#‎NFL‬ team in ‪#‎LosAngeles‬ was  Aaron Hernandez.

Aaron Hernandez actually looked surprised when he was found guilty of murder. Was he counting on talking to OJ for advice on finding the real killers

 

Now that Aaron Hernandez has been found guilty, will they try him for those other two murders? Guessing the Patriots regrettably have given up on pinning him with those under-inflated balls.

Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine on drafting Johnny Manziel. “We had the information that everyone else in the league had. It’s easy to look back now and say ‘What did you miss?”. And even Captain Obvious is snickering, “Really?!”

 

Actual warning on a frozen pizza “Not ready to eat. Cook before serving.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

But the winner is.  A New York man found bedbugs in his rental car. Someone apparently told him he could kill them by saturating them with alcohol. Which he did. And then sat in the car and lit a cigarette. Did kill the bugs. And the car. First and second-degree burns for him. Plus the ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ award for the week.  So far.

Kim Kardashian has an actual book coming out May 5. It’s a collection of selfies titlled “Selfish.”. Give her credit for truth in advertising.

Okay, who else saw the headline about a man arrested for landing a helicopter on the Capitol lawn and thought. “Secret service joyride?”

United Airlines is offering Mileage Plus members the chance to use their miles to attend a batting practice event with the Los Angeles Dodgers. The way the SF Giants are hitting, they might have a similar event and make it a tryout.

 

The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms yesterday, with nine different jersey combinations. Team president Alec Scheiner. “We could be like Oregon of the NFL.” Like “Oregon?” Meaning almost but not quite good enough to win the BCS championship?

In Hillsborough County, Florida, near Tampa, the sheriff’s office has shut down a training school for “top earning exotic dancers and models.” after complaints of loud noise and late parties. Shame. Might have actually been classrooms where they could have gotten a lot of the state’s “student-athletes” to attend.

 

Cheryl Rios, CEO of “Go Ape Marketing” in Dallas, posted that she thought women could run business but didn’t think a woman should ever lead a country., “‘With the hormones we have, there is no way [a woman] should be able to start a war.” And said she would move to Canada if Hillary Clinton became president.
Not that Canada would take her, but at least Rios didn’t threaten to move to England. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

“Not with a bang but a whimper.” Was T.S. Eliot thinking about the Lakers, who are putting an exclamation point on their lost season with a loss at home to… .Sacramento?

The more things change….

February 25, 2015

The Cleveland Browns have announced a new tweaked helmet with a brighter orange color, and will unveil a new uniform this spring. Unfortunately for Browns fans, the uniforms will still have the same players in them.

Hank Aaron says he is rooting for A-Rod to have a “great year.” Well, getting paid $22 million for sitting in the dugout sounds like a pretty great year to most people.

The “Dancing with the Stars” list for this season is out. Increasingly watching the show is like watching actual stars in the sky. Most of us can’t name any of them either..

Idaho State Rep. Vito Barbieri asked in a committee hearing if, before an abortion, women could swallow a small camera so that doctors could conduct a gynecological exam remotely. So all doctors should now know never to prescribe Barbieri a suppository. Because this man couldn’t find where to put it with two hands and a hunting dog.

David Ortiz, on his first day of Spring Training “Thank God my belly hasn’t grown like Panda.” Is it too soon to start the “Inflategate” jokes?

Nebraska men’s basketball coach Tim Miles got so upset about his team’s performance that he locked the players out of their own locker room. Hmm, in drought-stricken California this could be a great way to save on water for the Lakers.

 

Baltimore GM Ozzie Newsome said the Ray Rice scandal will affect this year’s draft: “Someone who has domestic abuse in their background, it’s going to be tough for them to be considered a Raven.” Okay, so before the elevator video someone with domestic abuse in their background would have been an easy choice for the Ravens?

Outside the White House today, Bobby Jindal declared that President Obama was “unfit to be commander in chief.” Curiously enough, the last poll taken in Louisiana showed Jindal with a 34% approval rating, basically saying residents think HE’s unfit to be Governor.

More Jindal. He gave his little “Obama is unfit to be commander in chief” speech today in Washington, D.C. outside, in 20 degree weather, wearing only a suit. Uh, whatever you say about our President, he’s smart to know when to put a coat on.

Deep breaths everyone. Headline in Britain’s Daily Mail “Terror fears over sophisticated mystery tunnel found yards from Toronto stadium that hosts Canada’s biggest sporting events.” And the tunnel is elaborate. But amongst things found inside…. a rosary.

 

“Islam is a vibrant faith. Millions of our fellow citizens are Muslim. We respect the faith. We honor its traditions. Our enemy does not. Our enemy doesn’t follow the great traditions of Islam. They’ve hijacked a great religion.” George W. Bush, October, 2002. ‪#‎nocomment‬

 

Going blue

December 29, 2014

Many SF 49ers fans were disappointed with this season, and now they won’t have Jim Harbaugh to kick around anymore. So soon the team can go back to the halcyon days of Mike Singletary and Mike Nolan.

Statement from the SF 49ers: “Jim and I have come to the conclusion that it is in our mutual best interest to move in different directions.” Well, it sounds better than “conscious uncoupling.”

There will be a lot of changes for Jim Harbaugh as he returns to the coaching ranks. For starters, at Michigan he’s going to have to figure out something warmer  (and blue-er) than his regular long-sleeved black shirt.

More than 100 people gathered in Times Square today for the eighth annual Good Riddance Day. Where attendees used a shredder and mallet to get rid of bad memories. Wonder how many showed up with NY Giants and Jets stuff?

Apparently a contributing factor, if not the reason, for Josh Gordon’s suspension, was a party Johnny Manziel threw Friday night. (Gordon was then AWOL for the team’s Saturday walk-through.) Who says Johnny Football isn’t a leader already?

 

Cleveland owner Jimmy Haslam said some of the Browns’ young players have “disrespected” the team. “We’re going to work with them — hopefully they grow up. But if they can’t grow up and they can’t be responsible to the their teammates and the coaches and our great fans, then they won’t be with the Cleveland Browns.” So anyone want to take the first guess in the “Johnny Manziel trade date” pool?

This weekend police were called and arrests were made over fights in food courts at three separate malls, Arden Fair in Sacramento, Chicago Ridge Mall in Illinois and Opry Mills in Nashville. So what the heck are those food courts serving?

How up-to-date is Al-Qaeda? Their most recent magazine, released last week, called for individual jihadists to bomb Western carriers. Including United Airlines, American, Delta, and Continental.

 

Headline on Foxnews.com “Attention: Dish has blocked Fox News. Switch TV providers now. ” Hmm…. So how long until Dish starts using that headline as an ad on Msnbc.com and Huffington Post etc?

No real surprise at this point, Jeb Bush leads a new GOP presidential poll with 23%. Christie is second at 13% and Ben Carson has 7%. I think I speak for many Americans when I say about Carson – “Who?”

 

So the NFL is running their ad “Domestic violence and sexual assault are  tough for everyone to talk about” in game with Ben Rothlisberger leading Steelers into playoffs ‪#‎irony‬

From T.C.  “I just hacked into Sony Pictures computers and found a movie to be released on Monday. It’s about NFL coaching brothers Rex and Rob called “Saving Ryan’s Privates”.

Cowboy up?

September 3, 2014

Michael Sam has joined the Cowboys  practice squad. Suppose Brokeback Mountain jokes would be inappropriate.

The Dallas Cowboys actually had a press conference to announce the signing of Michael Sam. Over the top?   Maybe, but these are the Cowboys. it might be the only press conference all year where they have something positive to talk about.

 

It will be great when “openly gay” player joins “fill-in-the-blank” team becomes a non-story. The same way “openly black” player is now a non-story. But we need the stories to get to the non-story.

 

 

NY Jets practice squad WR Quincy Enunwa was arrested after an alleged domestic dispute last Sunday. Maybe Enunwa is trying too hard to prove he is really NFL ready.

Is it just me or are a lot of the people responding to the picture hacking scam by saying “Don’t take naked pictures” the same people who you really don’t want to see naked?

Wow. Not the Onion. ESPN reports that 1.3% of fantasy football teams own Tim Tebow. Of course some of these fantasy owners who have Tebow are probably the same folks who win the NCAA March Madness pool by picking colors.

 

From my comedy writing friend Dhaya Lakshiminarayanan – I’d say George Clooney, but she might be onto something.  “The reason we need more women in computer science is so female hackers can hack into icloud to give us hot naked pics of Channing Tatum.

CVS has stopped selling tobacco products. Not sure how it will affect their bottom line but at least it will eliminate the long slow lines getting longer and slower when the clerk has to go get the requested cigarettes out of the cases.

 

Tom Brady on potential retirement ” ‘When I suck, I’ll retire.” Think we have a contender for the most likely sign to be seen in the stands when the Patriots are on the road.

 

The Cleveland Browns have apparently told Brian Hoyer he IS their starting QB, it’s “his offense,” and that it’s not going to be a quick hook.” Translation, Hoyer’s job is safe for at least one quarter.

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson on ISIS/ISIL “I’d much rather have a Bible study with all of them and show them the error of their ways and point them to Jesus Christ. However, if it’s a gunfight and a gunfight alone, if that’s what they’re looking for, me personally, I am prepared for either one.” Suppose it’s wrong of me to ask, anyone want to take up a collection to send Robertson over there to try?

 

Ah September, when the sting of an ugly 9-2 #SFGiants loss can almost be erased by an 14 inning 8-5 #Dodgers loss.

All these pennant races and it was the #Diamondbacks vs #Padres on Wed. night baseball. #ESPN must really want to get us in the mood for #NFL football.