Posted tagged ‘Aaron Hernandez jokes’
May 21, 2015
Okay, this is a bit harsh. And the SF Giants know as well as any team how meaningless the regular season can be when you get to the playoffs. But who says American ingenuity is dead? From the Los Angeles Dodgers’ Wikipedia page:
Clayton Kershaw on the pitch that Madison Bumgarner hit for a home run. “It was a fastball right down the middle. I should have respected him a little more.” Well, since Madbum hit four last year, maybe Kershaw should have just watched a little tape.
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There are only 18 players in MLB who have homered off of both Clayton Kershaw and Zack Greinke. One of them is Madison “Babe” Bumgarner.
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Well, on the bright side for the #LADodgers, they had no wear-and-tear on their bats in 3 games at AT&T Park. #sweep #3shutouts #SFGiants
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Aaron Hernandez, serving a life sentence and now on trial for witness intimidation, apparently has a new tattoo and will “face discipline” for it. So what, they are going to lock the former Patriot away for two lifetimes?
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Brewers’ relief pitcher Will Smith was ejected tonight for allegedly having pine tar on his arm. He said it was a mixture of rosin and sunscreen that he forgot to remove before coming in. Once again I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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Many complain that raising minimum wage will result in higher costs. But as USA TODAY reports, while McDonalds’ workers are pushing for a $15 hourly minimum wage, top executives at the company average $1220 an hour. Where’s the outrage over what THAT adds to the cost of a hamburger
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The Duggar parents from “19 Kids and Counting” are rallying behind their son Josh, 27, after it has come out that he molested several girls when he was a teenager: “Even though we would never choose to go through something so terrible, each one of our family members drew closer to God.” Wonder if they’d be as supportive if one of their children simply came out as gay?
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Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf has come out in favor of decriminalizing marijuana. Well, leaving aside the taxation and use-of- police-time issues, Philly fans need all the ways to mellow out they can get.
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Kobe Bryant’s tweet on the Laker’s good luck in the NBA lottery. “We played like crap all season so it’s only right we get the #2 pick HA #lakerluck #goodday” Well, and if the team only wasn’t paying $24 million to one over-the-hill player…..
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Bus to hell time. The world’s largest Disney Store opened in Shanghai and shoppers lined up for over a mile to get in. Sort of the Chinese equivalent of a school crafts fair where adults rush to buy what their children have made?
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The FCC apparently has gotten 22 complaints from viewers watching golf on TV over bad language. And 15 of those involved Tiger Woods. Well, this might mean Tiger’s outbursts are in a different league. Or it might mean he’s the only golfer most people watch.
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At Charlotte’s airport. a man who was angry about his flight being overbooked stripped naked in protest. And airlines are thinking, hmm… less weight, less fuel issues. Can we start having a clothing surcharge?
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Citicorp, Barclays, JPMorgan Chase and the Royal Bank of Scotland have pleaded guilty to rigging the currency markets in 2008 and will pay collectively more than $5 billion in penalties. And you thought your banking fees were high NOW.
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So apparently that shoot out in Waco, Texas started over a parking dispute. Many women heard that and are thinking “And they weren’t even Christmas shopping?
From T.C. “NFL.com is refusing to take orders for personalized jerseys with the name “DEFLATOR” on the back. How about “SSSSSSSSSSS””
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, airport jokes, Disney jokes, Dodgers jokes, Duggar jokes, Janice Hough, Kershaw jokes, Lakers jokes, marijuana jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
May 20, 2015
The last “Late Show with David Letterman” ended Wednesday, after 33 years. The most amazing thing for the younger generation, that to watch the show you once actually had to stay up “Late Night.”
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33 years ago…. to put that in perspective, half as long as Vin Scully has been announcing.
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In 1982 the Chicago Cubs were only in a 74 year World Series drought.
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Police said they found about 1,000 weapons were found at the Twin Peaks restaurant in Waco after the shootout last weekend. Well gosh, I can certainly see why Texas lawmakers are pushing to loosen the state’s gun laws…..
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George Clooney said last night on Jimmy Kimmel that his wife Amal isn’t always happy with his style of dress – “There is that moment when I’ve worn the same T-shirt like for a week that she says, ‘Really?'” Well, okay, so he’s a bit of slob. Millions of heartbroken women can now feel they’ve dodged a bullet.
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You can’t make this stuff up. Virginia State Senate candidate Joe Morrissey, 57, denied allegations of a sexual relationship with his 17 year old secretary in 2013, but accepted a plea bargain with a six-month jail sentence on a misdemeanor charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. He’s now been released, after being re-elected while in jail, and confirms he is the father of a 9-week-old baby with the young woman. (This makes four children by four different women.)
Well, give the guy credit, at least he’s not running on a family values platform.
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NY Daily News headline “Double-decker tour bus fatally slams into elderly woman in Morningside Heights” The woman was 68! 68?!!. Heck, had she been a man she’d be about the right age to play for the San Antonio Spurs. (and too young to play with the Rolling Stones.)
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The Warriors’ Stephen Curry has been fined $5,000 by the NBA for flopping last night against the Rockets. Actually, these fines aren’t for flopping…they’re just for flopping clumsily enough to get caught.
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Two New Jersey DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) have been charged with illegally moonlighting by operating a strip club on the side. Maybe they had aspirations of joining the Secret Service?
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A Norwegian Cruise Line ship that ran aground in Bermuda yesterday has been refloated back into the water. No word on what NCL might do regarding compensation for the passengers. If they were an airline they’d probably charge for an extra stop.
In the NHL, the Toronto Maple Leafs lured coach Mike Babcock away from Detroit with a 8 year, $50 million contract. It might not have just been the money. Don’t disregard not having to worry about all that stressful playoff pressure.
There may be better pitchers at #ATTPark for #SFGiants, including a World Series MVP. But will any be more loved than #TimLincecum? #Timmy
A new study shows that for the past 10 years the worst airport in the summer for on-time flight arrivals is Newark, with only 64.5% of flights arriving on schedule. On the brighter side, 35.5% of passengers thus had less time than they expected in New Jersey.
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Speculation now that the Obamas may move to New York City after they leave the White House. Though wonder if the $30 million that the Clintons have earned in the last year or so would be enough these days to buy a Manhattan apartment.
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Aaron Hernandez was apparently involved in a prison fight on Monday. So congrats to all those who had May 18 in the pool.
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Former senator John Glenn, 93, saying he believes evolution should be taught in schools. “I don’t see that I’m any less religious by the fact that I can appreciate the fact that science just records that we change with evolution and time, and that’s a fact. It doesn’t mean it’s less wondrous and it doesn’t mean that there can’t be some power greater than any of us that has been behind and is behind whatever is going.”
At 93, Glenn is better on that question than many current presidential candidates….
Thought for the night forwarded by an anonymous friend “I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself .”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, George Clooney jokes, Janice Hough, Letterman jokes, Maple Leaf jokes, Morrissey jokes, NBA jokes, Waco jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
April 15, 2015
“I am shocked”. Said absolutely no one. #AaronHernandez.
Turns out the person who most needed an #NFL team in #LosAngeles was Aaron Hernandez.
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Aaron Hernandez actually looked surprised when he was found guilty of murder. Was he counting on talking to OJ for advice on finding the real killers
Now that Aaron Hernandez has been found guilty, will they try him for those other two murders? Guessing the Patriots regrettably have given up on pinning him with those under-inflated balls.
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Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine on drafting Johnny Manziel. “We had the information that everyone else in the league had. It’s easy to look back now and say ‘What did you miss?”. And even Captain Obvious is snickering, “Really?!”
Actual warning on a frozen pizza “Not ready to eat. Cook before serving.” #cantfixstupid
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But the winner is. A New York man found bedbugs in his rental car. Someone apparently told him he could kill them by saturating them with alcohol. Which he did. And then sat in the car and lit a cigarette. Did kill the bugs. And the car. First and second-degree burns for him. Plus the #cantfixstupid award for the week. So far.
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Kim Kardashian has an actual book coming out May 5. It’s a collection of selfies titlled “Selfish.”. Give her credit for truth in advertising.
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Okay, who else saw the headline about a man arrested for landing a helicopter on the Capitol lawn and thought. “Secret service joyride?”
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United Airlines is offering Mileage Plus members the chance to use their miles to attend a batting practice event with the Los Angeles Dodgers. The way the SF Giants are hitting, they might have a similar event and make it a tryout.
The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms yesterday, with nine different jersey combinations. Team president Alec Scheiner. “We could be like Oregon of the NFL.” Like “Oregon?” Meaning almost but not quite good enough to win the BCS championship?
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In Hillsborough County, Florida, near Tampa, the sheriff’s office has shut down a training school for “top earning exotic dancers and models.” after complaints of loud noise and late parties. Shame. Might have actually been classrooms where they could have gotten a lot of the state’s “student-athletes” to attend.
Cheryl Rios, CEO of “Go Ape Marketing” in Dallas, posted that she thought women could run business but didn’t think a woman should ever lead a country., “‘With the hormones we have, there is no way [a woman] should be able to start a war.” And said she would move to Canada if Hillary Clinton became president.
Not that Canada would take her, but at least Rios didn’t threaten to move to England. #cantfixstupid
“Not with a bang but a whimper.” Was T.S. Eliot thinking about the Lakers, who are putting an exclamation point on their lost season with a loss at home to… .Sacramento?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Browns jokes, Giants jokes, Hernandez guilty jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, secret service jokes
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March 12, 2015
Apparently a payment is due this month for SF 49ers fans who bought PSL’s at Levi’s Stadium. After this month writing that check has to feel like paying alimony
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Will Ferrell today played for 10 teams in five games during Spring Training in Arizona, and played all nine positions. Who does he think he is? Bugs Bunny?
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Now that Will Ferrell, 47, has played during Spring Training for 10 teams in the Cactus League, some wonder if he might repeat the stunt for teams in Florida’s Grapefruit League. Probably not, as Ferrell is much too young for the Yankees.
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Rudy Giuliani is now blaming Obama and the “tone set by the President” for the McDonald’s brawl and the Ferguson shooting. He also said Obama should be “more like Bill Cosby.” Hey, wasn’t that Bill Clinton’s job?
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Cal DE Brennan Scarlett is transferring to Stanford for his final year and will play football for the Cardinal in 2015. And apparently his car was vandalized after news of the move broke. Well, at least Scarlett wasn’t transferring between SEC rivals… he might have been shot at.
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Disney has announced plans for a “Frozen 2”, albeit with no announced date for the movie’s release. Many parents are just hoping the sequel takes long enough to produce that their children will have gotten too old to want to see it again, and again, and again. #letitgo
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And the hits just keep on coming. Today in the Aaron Hernandez trial, the former player was shown on his own surveillance video walking in his house with what looked like a Glock gun, minutes after Odin Lloyd was shot. Now you have to wonder how Hernandez ever was smart enough to learn the Patriots’ (and Gators’) playbooks.
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Jimmy Kimmel introduced President Obama as the “first Kenyan-born Muslim Socialist ever elected president.” And over at FOX they’re saying “Finally, someone in the liberal media admits it.”
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Darrelle Revis said he followed his heart to return to the NY Jets from the New England Patriots. And nothing says love like $39 million of a $70 million NFL contract guaranteed.
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Ah, those targeted ads. Was reading the story about the Canadian woman who was killed in Cabo when a whale breached and landed on her tour boat. And now I’m getting ads for United’s discount airfares to Cabo San Lucas.
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United Airlines has sent out an email to their elite members talking about an improved Premium Cabin experience that includes “enhanced” amenity kits. Maybe the kits, in addition to the usual socks, eye shade, moisturizer etc, now include a shoe horn so you can get into your seat when you travel economy?
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So the Hillary Clinton email controversy continues. But apparently she has not been the only one to combine government and personal communications. Will we next find out that John McCain used the same blanket to send both official and personal smoke signals?
From T.C. “A picture of a massive alligator taken by a member of Florida’s Myakka Pines Golf Course has gone viral. The club’s Facebook page has generated thousands of hits a day. The club invites visitors play the course but reminds you that it’s 400 399 members have priority for times.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Frozen jokes, Janice Hough, Rudy Giuliani jokes, spring training jokes, United Airlines jokes, Will Ferrell jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
March 6, 2015
To eliminate some of the back-to-back games and insane road trips, the NBA is thinking of lengthening the season into July. Great, so this means the playoffs would finish the week before the start of pre-season?
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In England, an 11-yr-old boy was sent home from “World Book Day,” where his choice of costume was Christian Grey (fully clothed in a suit) from “Fifty Shades.” The school had no problem with Voldemorts, Darth Vaders, and even a teacher dressed up at Dexter the serial killer. #priorities #facepalmBritishdivision
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Susan Sarandon, 68, and her 37 year old boyfriend have apparently split up. Here’s hoping she left him for a younger guy.
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Friday in the Aaron Hernandez murder trial, the prosecution told jurors that a marijuana cigarette butt containing Hernandez’s DNA was found near the victim’s body. At this point even O.J. is throwing up his hands and saying there’s no need to look for the real killers.
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Two TSA screeners at SFO have been charged with taking bribes to allow methamphetamine to be smuggled in carry-on luggage. According to the SF Chronicle, authorities said the operation was planned “in part through messages on Facebook.”
Well, leaving aside how warm and secure that makes us all feel, what tipped police off? Was FB sending them ads for “Breaking Bad” DVDs or something?
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A man was arrested after he called 911 to report that his wife had stolen his cocaine. No, and it wasn’t Florida. Ohio wins this round. #cantfixstupid
Got to love it. Not only does the elderly woman totter down to her exit row middle seat on United, and then totter off the plane, she has a wheelchair waiting. #Cantfixstupid airline winner for the month.
(and no, the woman who got the extra legroom, the airline that let her do it.)
One runway is still closed at LaGuardia after that Delta plane crashed into a snowbank. So will passengers who want on-time flights be asked to chip in for a “priority runway” fee?
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All these headlines saying Hunter Pence broke his arm. Actually technically a Cubs pitcher broke Pence’s arm. With a fastball.
#grammarpolice
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So the NCAA has suspended Jim Boeheim for 9 games next season and will take away scholarships after finding “over the course of a decade, Syracuse University did not control and monitor its athletics programs, and its head men’s basketball coach failed to monitor his program.” And in Kentucky, John Calipari is just giggling.
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Rory McIlroy, unhappy with a shot into the water today at Doral, hurled the club in after the ball. Bad news, he’ll probably be fined. Good news, the throw was good enough the Marlins might offer him a pitching tryout.
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So the Dow fell 279 points Friday because the jobs report was 295,000 which was better than expected, and unemployment tell to 5.5% which was lower than expected. The GOP is trying to figure out how to blame Obama for the former, without giving him credit for the latter.
From Marc Ragovin: “A 50-year old Oregon man claims that he is Wilt Chamberlain’s son. Vegas bookmakers have set the odds on this being legit at 20,000 to 1.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, 50 Shades jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, Rory McIlroy jokes, Syracuse jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 4, 2015
Jim Harbaugh apparently stopped to help two women who were injured in a car accident on the interstate in Michigan this afternoon. Kudos to Jim, but makes sense, after dealing with 49ers management Harbaugh probably found a car wreck easier to deal with than a train wreck.
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Sweet Briar college has announced that for financial reasons, they are shutting down at the end of the academic year. What a shame. No doubt some SEC school would have offered the college $1 million to play them in football.
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Edward Snowden’s lawyer says he that Snowden wants to return to the United States if he’s guaranteed a fair trial. Sounds like someone’s had enough of living in Russia.
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During the Aaron Hernandez trial today, a maid testified at his murder trial that she saw him “messing with” the security camera in his basement the day after the killing. You do again have to wonder, as stupid as Hernandez seems to be, how did he stay out of jail for so long?
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The SF Chronicle has reported that Jim Harbaugh exhibits have been removed from the 49ers museum at Levi’s Stadium. Guess Jed York wants fans to remember the halcyon days of Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary.
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Do they have online medical schools now or something? Dr. David Samadi, on Fox & Friends last weekend. “Now we have crack babies coming in because pregnant women are smoking this whole marijuana business.” #facepalm
(I looked it up, Dr. Samadi is an expert on prostate cancer…. Figures.)
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Hillary Clinton apparently used a private email address instead of a government address while she was secretary of state. Which probably translates to “same lack of security, different hackers.”
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Here’s what I really don’t get on the Hillary Clinton email story. Okay. so she must have sent tens of thousands of emails, at least, in four years. And if it was such a big deal on what account she used, somehow none of her recipients saw fit to make an issue of it at the time?
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Maryland Child Protective Services will now keep a file open on two parents after they were found responsible for ‘unsubstantiated’ child neglect. This for letting their 10 and 6 year old children walk together by themselves a mile home from the park. If only they had just let their kids play at home with guns….
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Seven players were ejected after a bench clearing fight during last night’s Texas-Baylor men’s basketball game. The schools may review the tape for possible further discipline, and their football programs may review the tape for possible recruiting
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After Billy Bean visited the Mets clubhouse, Daniel Murphy spoke at length to the NY Daily News about his feelings. “I disagree with the lifestyle. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love a teammate who is gay.” And he added “And I completely understand why someone who believes it is not a choice, that you’re born with it, would take issue with my beliefs, that it is a lifestyle.”
Ought to be very interesting what kind of service Murphy gets in restaurants and from flight attendants this year. And guessing the guy is NEVER going to play 2nd for San Francisco.
(Have no problem with differing beliefs, but what WAS Daniel thinking?. Might be hard for a team right now to sign an openly gay player, but it’s easy NOT to sign a mid-level player who will alienate any significant part of a fan base.)
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New Oakland SS Marcus Semien hit a home run of Madison Bumgarner today in the team’s spring training opener against the SF Giants. And followed that with another home run and an RBI single. If this keeps up,Semein can count on the A’s trading him midseason.
From Neal, on ISIS threatening Twitter CEO and employees for not allowing their posts: “They destroy ancient statues and artifacts but they want Twitter..
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Daniel Murphy jokes, email jokes, Harbaugh jokes, helicopter parents jokes, Hillary Clinton email, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, Sweet Briar jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 27, 2015
Oops. Someone at JetBlue Airways decided it was a good idea to tweet out “Oh, the Bluemanity” to their almost 2 million followers. (“Oh, the humanity!” was the radio announcer’s cry when the Hindenberg crashed and killed 36 people.). The tweet has been removed.
To paraphrase, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to make fools of themselves on social media? #cantfixstupid
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A California judge ruled that Lindsay Lohan’s self-selected “community service” in London doesn’t count, and she still has over 100 hours to complete if she doesn’t want to go to jail. PEOPLE magazine reported Lohan was trying to include things like having young people “shadow” her and hang out while she was performing in a play. Can’t imagine how celebrities get the reputation for being out of touch..
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KNBR radio reports that ESPN has their “Sunday Night Baseball” schedule out. Through July 19, the Red Sox and Yankees are on 7 times. The World Champion SF Giants zero. Ditto the Dodgers. The only team west of the Mississippi on at all are the Angels, twice. And they wonder why baseball doesn’t have a national audience.
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In Tennessee, two high school girls basketball coaches were suspended for this season and next year. This after a game where both teams tried to lose to get a better tournament position. Amongst numerous violations were deliberate attempts at turnovers and one attempted own-goal. Wouldn’t it have been easier for one coach just to tell his girls to play like the Knicks?
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Headline “MLBer shagging flies steps on sprinkler, tears knee cartilage.” Turns out of be bad news for the Blue Jays’ Michael Saunders. But most Giants fans seeing that story were sure it was Jeremy Affeldt.
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Donald Trump said yesterday that he is “more serious” than ever about running for President in 2016. And Jon Stewart is thinking “well, maybe I can delay that retirement just a bit….”
Anyone but me beginning to wonder how Aaron Hernandez, 25, managed to stay out of prison for as long as he did? #thanksurbanmeyer
A new British study has found that adults who sleep more than 8 hours a day have a significantly higher risk of strokes. Which is finally some really good health news for working mothers.
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NJ Gov. Chris Christie, speaking to conservative group CPAC, “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” Yep, including at times, Chris Christie.
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Regarding Chris Christie’s comment that “Sometimes people need to be told to sit down and shut up.” If the NJ Governor REALLY wants a boost to his Presidential prospects can he direct that statement to Kanye West?
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From T.C. “At the NFL combine, Jameis Winston ran the 40 in 4.97 sec. Rumor has it he improved his time to 4.55 when a scout handed him a bag of crab legs.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, baseball jokes, Chris Christie jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, JetBlue jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Trump jokes
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February 26, 2015
Marijuana, in small quantities, became legal tonight in Washington, D.C. But some Republicans are upset. Rep. Jason Chaffetz, a Tea Partier from Utah wrote in a letter to the mayor. “If you decide to move forward … you will be doing so in knowing and willful violation of the law.” Whatever happened to the mantra of “Government out of our lives”?
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David Ortiz is not happy about the new pace rules saying a hitter has to keep one foot in the box “I call that bulls—” And Ortiz also indicated he needs the time to strategize so he’ll just pay the fines. Well, maybe Big Papi can call Marshawn Lynch for advice about setting up one of those automatic payment plans.
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The way his trial is going, looks like only thing that could get #AaronHernandez an acquittal is a change of venue to Los Angeles.
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Lebron James is complaining that colleges are already offering his young son basketball scholarships “It’s pretty crazy. It should be a violation. You shouldn’t be recruiting 10-year-old kids.” And Les Miles is thinking, yeah, if we thought he might play football we should have started at least 8 years earlier.
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The Chicago Cubs announced that they now have a new mental skills program, run by sports psychologist Dr. Ken Ravizza. Will Dr. Ravizza also be setting up depression clinics for Cubs fans?
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Carly Fiorina, trashing Hillary Clinton’s touting of all the hundreds of thousands of miles she travelled as Secetary of State: “But unlike Hillary Clinton, I know that flying is an activity, not an accomplishment.” Spoken like someone who has her choice of private planes.
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The Ohio news anchor who used a racial slur to describe Lady Gaga’s music, saying afterwards she didn’t even know the slur was a word, is off the air for three days. Presume when she returns it will be with a dictionary?
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Federal prosecutors have decided there is insufficient evidence to prosecute George Zimmerman for a hate crime against Trayvon Martin. Or maybe they figured they could save the expense of a trial since this guy seems well on his way to a Darwin award.
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Jason Jones has announced he will follow Jon Stewart in leaving “The Daily Show.” Wonder why the mass exodus. Maybe all these comics are beginning to think, that as crazy as the world is becoming, there really IS no satire.
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The state of Texas is warning college kids on spring break to avoid Mexico because of the danger of drug cartel violence. Right, go somewhere like Florida with all-American gun violence.
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A New York councilman will introduce a bill tomorrow to require the NYPD to become completely digital, and get rid of their typewriters. Responded most millennials “What are typewriters?”
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Mark Beckner, the former Boulder, CO police chief who led the 1996 Jon Benet Ramsey murder investigation acknowledged today in a Reddit session that many mistakes were made, for starters, he wished “we would have done a much better job of securing and controlling the crime scene on day one” and the “DA involvement in this case was inappropriate.”
Anyone who followed the case wonders, in his next interview, will Beckner give his opinion that water is wet?
A lawyer for the Southern California trucker who abandoned his vehicle on the tracks before a Metrolink train crashed into it said the trucker was “running for his life” and not abandoning the scene of an accident. Police found the guy 45 min later, 1.5 miles away…… Was he afraid the train was going to push him into a lifeboat?
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From Bill Littlejohn. “Joba Chamberlain’s new contract includes a Cy Young bonus.Isn’t that like Vin Diesel’s new contract including an Oscar bonus?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Big Papi jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Lady Gaga jokes, marijuana jokes, Texas jokes, The Daily Show jokes
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February 7, 2015
After a disappointing season, the Tennessee Titans released OT Michael Oher. Hope he wasn’t blindsided by the news.
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Aaron Hernandez’s lawyer in his murder trial was jokingly asked a state police trooper if he had “training in football deflation devices.” Sounds like the former Patriot actually found a lawyer as dumb as he is.
The NFL fined 4 players from $8268 to $10,000 for their roles in the brawl at the end of the Super Bowl. Good to see the league has its priorities in order. Hitting people is almost as bad as wearing the wrong brand of clothing.
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NY Yankees officials says they have now agreed to a sit-down meeting with A-Rod. Ah yes, an early sign that spring is approaching. The circus is coming to town.
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For all those who think they might be the most insane baseball fans they know, San Francisco has finally gotten their first storm of 2015. Serious rain and wind. But some hardcore folks are already camping outside AT&T Park for tomorrow morning’s SF Giants “FanFest.”
Open note to Chris Paul, who has always seemed like an enlightened and decent guy, and I am sure didn’t meant to start a firestorm by criticizing one of the two NBA’s female refs: (“We try to get the ball out fast every time down the court, and when we did that, she said, ‘Uh-uh.’ I said, ‘Why, uh-uh?’ And she gave me a tech. That’s ridiculous. If that’s the case, this might not be for her.” )
It’s time for a simple statement, “I was criticizing an official because I didn’t like the calls. I thought and think they were wrong. It had NOTHING to do with her gender. I fully support the NBA’s hiring of female officials. Now let’s move on.”
In Northern California television news stations have put their drought stories on hold for a few days to be replaced by “Stormwatch.”
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Occasional disclaimer. If you’ve found my blog because of the sports jokes, I do jokes about both sports and politics. And I realize that half the country won’t agree with my views. Though I like to consider myself a moderate, and try to pick on both sides, even if I pick on one side more than others…. (more material) In any case, if you don’t like the political jokes, please feel free to ignore. Or comment. Even criticize n comments.. Just please keep it civil.
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Former Miss. GOP state Sen Tim Johnson announced yesterday he is switching parties. “Why join the Democratic Party and run for lieutenant governor? I’ll tell you: We are all Mississippians first. Elected officials should be in the business of helping all Mississippians, not picking out who to hurt.
“The Republican Party leaders’ actions against supporting Medicaid expansion and threatening our local hospitals was the final, deciding factor for me.”
This is Mississippi, folks. Will Johnson’s campaign mascot be a flying pig?.
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Note to GOP men: On the subject of rape, STFU.
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Horrible indeed. After being made to watch his friends burned alive, he recanted his religion in writing. When he later felt ashamed, and publicly denied the conversion, he was himself publicly burned alive, but put his right hand, which had written the recantation, first into the flame, saying, “this hand has offended.”
Another Mideast horror story? Nope, Archbishop Thomas Cranmer. And these burnings all done by order of Queen Mary 1 of England, 1555-56
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Mississippi jokes, NFL jokes, NY Yankees jokes
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February 26, 2014
A GOP lobbyist says he is preparing legislation to prevent gay players from joining the NFL. Jack Burkman says “If the NFL has no morals and no values then the Congress must find values for it.” Thinking that in Washington putting CONGRESS in charge of morals and finding values has less of a chance than Diogenes finding his honest man .
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Steve Elkington, (Who? Yeah, he won the PGA in 1995) tweeted a homophobic joke about Michael Sam. Right, because we all know when it comes to tough male athletes, we think of golfers first.
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So Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has announced major cuts in the military budget, to just under $500 billion. Oh, the horror. Now the U.S. will only spend as much as the next seven countries beneath us combined….
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Knicks PG Raymond Felton was arrested this morning three counts of criminal possession of a weapon. Well, we knew even the Nets’ signing of Jason Collins couldn’t mean Brooklyn had the New York NBA headlines for long.
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#RaymondFelton has a court date of June 2. The NBA finals start June 5. So fortunately his arrest won’t affect this year’s #Knicks
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Bachelorette season 8 winner Jef Holm told Us Weekly that Juan Pablo is “by far the sleaziest Bachelor.” Isn’t that statement kind of redundant?
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One reason to watch the Bachelor: A few hours of these folks make all the people in your real life seem so much saner and more normal by comparison.
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A Sonoma County man has been sentenced to six years in prison after his eighth DUI. Part of California’s 8 strikes and you’re out policy?
Ozzie Smith is leading a petition campaign to make MLB Opening Day a national holiday. With 100,000 signatures it would mean the Obama adminstation has to respond. Maybe Ozzie would have better luck if he made the petition say “create a holiday, and deport Bieber while you’re at it.”
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The Washington Redskins posted a YouTube video congratulating Dale Earnhardt Jr. on his Daytona 500 win. Guess this is the closest the team thinks they will get to any kind of a championship.
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Johan Santana threw for seven MLB scouts in Florida, and topped out at 81 mph. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to get coaching on his fastball from Jamie Moyer?
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Apparently Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will actually veto the anti-gay bill that would allow businesses not to serve customers based on religious beliefs. No doubt she has million$ of rea$on$ for her deci$ion.
My comedy writing friend Jerry Perisho asks “Could we lock Aaron Hernandez up with OJ Simpson?” I’m wondering if we could just lock him up for a little while with those douchebags who attacked Bryan Stow?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Arizona jokes, Bachelor jokes, Janice Hough, Knicks jokes, NFL gay player jokes, Raymond Felton jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 12, 2013
Mount McKinley, the tallest mountain in the USA, has gotten a bit shorter. It’s now measured at 20,237 instead of 20,320 feet. What an outrage. I blame Obama.
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Apparently Aaron Hernandez will not be allowed to watch the Patriots while he is jail awaiting trial. If the authorities really wanted to punish him, however, they’d make former Gator Hernandez watch replays of last week’s Florida-Miami game.
Geno Smith, 3 interceptions in the 4th quarter. Can hear the chants all the way from California – “Tebow, Tebow, Tebow…”
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Two Saskatchewan Roughriders (CFL) players have been charged with aggravated assault following an August bar fight. Were the two trying to prove they really belonged in the NFL?
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Apple stock has fallen after the much anticipated new iPhone updates turned out basically to be … new bright colors? And somewhere Steve Jobs is thinking “No one person is indispensable, my a**.”
Emirates Team New Zealand now has a commanding lead in the Americas’s Cup, in part due to tactical errors by Oracle Team USA. Maybe even the U.S. sailors are sick of being on the same team as Larry Ellison.
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From Bill LIttlejohn: “Ndamakong Suh reportedly threatened a cable guy with a pellet gun.This time, though, an overwhelming number of frustrated subscribers have offered to help pay his fine”
Michelle Obama is now getting criticized for saying “Drink just one more glass of water a day and you can make a real difference for your health, your energy, and the way you feel.” You do get the sense if she made a statement in support of motherhood and apple pie that the immediate reaction would be “what about fathers and cherry pie?”
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Newt Gingrich says that Putin’s NY Times opinion piece is a “lie.” And if anyone knows lies, it’s a man who’s said three times “until death do us part.”
The silly season never goes away…. A Republican operative posted a screenshot of Montana Lt. Gov (and likely 2014 Senate candidate) John Walsh’s FB page. Apparently he had “liked” a profile with pictures of women’s breasts called “Breasts. Proof that men can multitask2” Walsh said the “like” was a mistake and deleted it. At least the Lt. Gov didn’t feel compelled to say that that he DIDN’T like breasts.
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Putin in his anti-American-exceptionalism op-ed in the NY Times: “We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord’s blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you are female, Chechen, or gay.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, blame obama jokes, Jets jokes political jokes, Putin jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 3, 2013
Illinois legalized medical marijuana. At the signing ceremony, Gov. Pat Quinn said “This is really an important day…for helping people who are dealing with pain every day, often times very severe pain.” And presumably the new law will help state residents who aren’t Cubs fans too.
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Negotiations continue between A-Rod and MLB about his suspension. This whole mess is dragging on longer than most of Brett Favre’s retirements.
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Aaron Hernandez apparently wrote a letter from jail proclaiming his innocence, and saying he wants to “prove all the haters and down talkers wrong.” Presumably he just forgot to add the part about finding the real killers?
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Riley Cooper has been excused from the Philadelphia Eagles to undergo counseling after his racial slur. Some worry how this will affect the team, but have to figure Chip Kelly at Oregon got very good at dealing with “distractions.
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Greg Oden signed with the Miami Heat. Guess Oden wanted to be somewhere he felt comfortable driving home with his left blinker on.
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The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission saids investigators found “sufficient evidence” that Beamers Private Club in Dallas sold alcohol to Josh Brent when he was already intoxicated person before the fatal crash that killed his teammate. Got it. So the only time they have use for government regulations in Texas is if protecting a football player is involved?
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Who says Congress never does anything? Today the House went on recess but only after voting to repeal Obamacare for the 40TH time. Hey folks, don’t you think if Americans really wanted to repeal Obamacare they’d have voted to “repeal” Obama’s presidency in 2012?
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Kim Kardashian emerged from post-baby seclusion with a taped message wishing her mom “Good Luck” with her new Kris Jenner show. Not that Kim wants publicity or anything but there’s no way to wish your mom good luck without going on television…. Right.
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A 29 year old woman who is an Iraq War veteran and Arizona Cardinals cheerleader was arrested for beating her boyfriend after he got a text from an ex-girlfriend. And maybe Huma Abedin is secretly thinking “Date my husband, please?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Chicago Cubs jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 27, 2013
Sir Mick Jagger turned 70 on Friday. Now he probably Can Always Get What he Wants… if he can remember what it is that he wanted..
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Mick Jagger, at 70, just completed another U.S.tour with the Rolling Stones. I think we can all be glad the band has kept relevant and profitable. Would hate to see them reduced to licensing “Start Me Up” for a Viagra commercial.
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Newly released home surveillance photos show Aaron Hernandez holding what appears to be a gun shortly after his friend was shot. The most shocking thing is not that the former Patriots TE might be a murderer, but that as stupid as he is, he hasn’t been arrested before.
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FedEx is firing an employee caught on camera throwing delivery boxes into her truck in Manhattan. Wonder what the woman’s defense was – that she always wanted to work for the airlines?
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A woman was asked to leave from Milwaukee’s Miller Park because she had modified the B and the N on the back of her Ryan Braun t-shirt to an F and a D. Thinking if this gal has a contact who can mass produce them she’s got a serious money making opportunity.
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The University of Florida has given coach Will Muschamp a $250,000 raise, bringing his salary to $2.928 million a year. The real shocker… that makes him the SEVENTH highest-paid football coach in the SEC.
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Apparently Antony Weiner is still getting donations to stay in the NY mayoral race from people who are supporters of his wife, Huma. These donations, however, probably pale in comparison to those from comedy writers.
Be careful what you wish for. As the New England Patriots open training camp you figure Bill Belichick had to have thought at some point during the offseason “Please don’t have all the media questions be about Tim Tebow?”
ESPN headline “Lebron James passes Kobe Bryant as most popular.” This might be the only time that “Kobe Bryant” and “passes” appear in the same sentence.
News flash from England. Little Prince George is still born. #RoyalBaby
A new study of over 200,000 subjects indicated that those who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. And those who drink it in the morning are probably at least 50% less likely to murder their spouses or coworkers.
#SFGiants doing it all lately. Not throwing the ball, not hitting the ball, not catching the ball….
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From Bill Littlejohn: “To please his new wife, Michael Jordan allegedy wants to have his vasectomy reversed. He reportedly told the doctor, ‘Just Un-Do It’.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Fed Ex jokes, Florida jokes, janice hough jokes, Mick Jagger jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 9, 2013
Aaron Hernandez’s likeness has been removed from the video games NCAA Football 14 and Madden NFL 25. Though he might be added to the latest versions of Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat.
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Spitzer, Weiner, Sanford…. Let’s hope somewhere someone is saying “Don’t even think about it,” to John Edwards.
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George Clooney and Stacy Keiber have announced their split up. So congrats to all those who had July 8 in the pool.
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During a rehab start in Single-A, A-Rod was hit by a pitch. A reporter then asked the pitcher’s grandmother about the Yankees’ star. “I think he thinks he’s kind of a hotshot. I don’t care for his personality. He just thinks he’s better than the other boys.” Who says the elderly lose cognitive abilities.
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Whole Foods has recalled a cheese that over a bacterial infection that has sickened dozens and killed at least one person. And millions of Americans are thinking “how often is that that you literally can’t afford to have gotten sick?
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Speaking of sick. .. Hostess has announced that to extend the snack cakes shelf-life they will now freeze Twinkies before delivering them to stores. What, because otherwise they’d only last five or six decades, tops?
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Post-Wimbledon headline from the U.K Telegraph today: “The most painful wait in sport is over.” No response yet from Chopped Liver Stadium aka Wrigley Field.
Rick Perry says he will not run for a fourth term as Texas Governor Did someone just tell him women can vote?
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An Amtrak train bound from New York to Miami was stuck on the tracks near Richmond, VA for 14 hours and passengers were not allowed to leave. Some complained of balky toilets and intermittent air conditioning. Is Amtrak trying to become travel partners with Carnival Cruise Lines?
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LSU’s leading rusher Jeremy Hill was formally charged today with misdemeanor simple battery over an April bar fight. Apparently this could pose problems for the 2013 since Hill is on probation from a 2012 plea for “misdemeanor carnal knowledge of a juvenile.” The lengths some of these young men will go to prove they are NFL ready.
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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan apparently joined the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday. Was Ryan trying to prove he could do something stupider than trusting Mark Sanchez?
(Says Alex Schubert, “he was just excited because he knew that running involved feet.”)
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Robert Kraft on Aaron Hernandez: “If any member of the New England Patriots organization is close enough to a murder investigation to actually get arrested – whether it be for obstruction of justice or the crime itself – it is too close to an unthinkable act for that person to be part of this organization going forward.” How much do we want to see Kraft interviewed this fall by new ESPN analyst Ray Lewis?
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When Dwight Howard left for Houston, apparently Kobe Bryant stopped following him on Twitter. Seriously? Hard to imagine Kobe following anyone.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, Spitzer jokes, Twinkies jokes
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July 3, 2013
As we approach the 4th of July, do the British look upon the day much as a parent might look upon the day that a child leaves the nest. Painful, but in retrospect thank God they’re no longer our responsibility?
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Douglas Engelbart, 88, who invented the computer mouse, has passed away. Funeral attendees will no doubt get an electronic invitation that they can click on for directions.
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A new report says the U.S. State Department spent about $630,000 to get more followers on their Facebook pages? Really? All they needed were a few good cat pictures.
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According to a story in the Washington Post Magazine, apparently now Ted Nugent is considering a White House bid. What’s his slogan? “For those who think Salin Palin isn’t batshit crazy enough?
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As more and more information comes out about Aaron Hernandez, what’s more shocking… that the former Patriots’ tight end could be so evil, or that he could be so stupid?
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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West apparently turned down a $3 million photo offer from a magazine for their baby. Translation, they’re holding out for $5 million.
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Apparently an arrest warrant has been obtained for San Francisco 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks, alleging he hit teammate Lamar Divens with a beer bottle. So congrats to all who had July 3 in the latest NFL pool
(If not, no worries, a new pool starts today….)
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Brad Stevens, 36, has been named the new Boston Celtic coach. Now Boston’s trading Kevin Garnett, 37, really makes sense. Since otherwise KG might have been telling Stevens to “respect his elders.”
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For his recent performance Buster Posey was chosen the NL Player of the Week. For their recent performance the SF Giants were chosen the NL Team of the Weak.
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Stupid joke running through my head all day. Why did people rise up against President Morsi? They think “He’gypped us.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Egypt jokes, Janice Hough, July 4th jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 30, 2013
We can tell it’s officially summer. The New York Yankees are on Sunday Night Baseball.
The New York Yankees have now lost five in a row. No joke. I just like typing that.
(And hey, okay, the SF Giants lost six in a row. But they are now on a one game winning streak. And yeah, it’s been a rough month. )
SF Giants are tied for worst in majors as having only 29 games this year where they shut out their opponent in the first inning. This stat is shocking to regular Giants fans… there have been 29 games in 2013 where SF pitchers didn’t allow a first inning run? (Today was 30. Barely, after Madison Bumgarner allowed first and third with no outs in the first.)
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Sarah Palin says that if the GOP continues to “neglect conservatives” she is open to leaving and creating a new “Freedom Party.” And many Republicans are thinking “Promise?
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So I know you can already bet in Las Vegas on the over-under for the 2014 Super Bowl score. Can you bet on the over-under for 2013 NFL arrests?
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The Baltimore Orioles’ Chris Davis is having a breakout season with 31 home runs so far. So which will be more prevalent, the discussion of him as a possible MVP, or as a possible PED user?
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Former Patriots WR Deion Branch told a reporter that Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy and a great friend of mine and a great teammate. I love him to death, and it was shocking to hear his name involved in this situation.” Of course Branch has the perspective that Hernandez never saw him talking to anyone he didn’t like.
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Four tourists and the pilot are fine when a NYC sightseeing helicopter had to make an emergency landing in the Hudson river. We know the helicopter wasn’t owned by a major U.S. airline. Otherwise they’d have charged extra for the “Sully” experience.
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Interesting suggestion from Mike Lupica of the NY Daily News – “If you are an NFL player found to be in possession of an unregistered weapon, you get suspended for eight games, twice what you get for a dope offense, just for being a dope.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
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June 29, 2013
Arrest number 37 in 2013. Indianapolis Colts safety Joe Lefeged has been arrested on gun-related charges after a traffic stop in Washington, D.C. Is it too soon to start naming an all-prison team?
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When Aaron Hernandez had some issues at Florida, Urban Meyer said that he had rehabilitated the young man with daily Bible study sessions that the then Gator coach conducted personally. Well, that ought to make moms of Ohio State players feel all warm and fuzzy.
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Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awful story about that poor young man in Egypt. But now the U.S. is warning Americans to stay away after an Ohio college student died when he was stabbed by a protester. What, and they should stay here in places like Detroit, Chicago, Los Angeles and Baltimore?
Paula Deen’s cookbook publisher has now cancelled upcoming volumes. So will a silver lining in this mess be at least a small dip in U.S. heart attacks and obesity rates?
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Not “the Onion”: On July 3, The Huntsville Stars, a Milwaukee Brewers Double-A team, have “2nd Amendment Night – fun, food, and firepower.” The game will be free for all NRA members, and fans will have the chance to win one of three guns in a raffle. Maybe not a good night to start an argument in the stands or parking lot?
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Four Vanderbilt football players have been dismissed from the team and suspended from the school over an alleged sex crime in a university dorm. Who says Vandy doesn’t belong in the SEC?
–#SFGiants. At some point it is not that a string of opposing pitchers are having great outings. At some point it is that your hitting s*cks.
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Apparently the father of Edward Snowden has offered federal authorities a deal whereby his son would return voluntarily to the United States to face espionage charges. Translation, that Moscow airport transit lounge isn’t quite the dream destination Snowden had in mind when he started all this.
Dwight Howard going to meet with the Rockets. Houston, you may be about to have a problem.
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You can’t make this “stuff” up: Now that gay marriages are taking place in California, groups have filed appeals to reinstate the ban against them. One of the groups calls itself the “Alliance Defending Freedom.”
Alec Baldwin, trying to dig himself out of the latest hole he dug with one of his rants, says that when he called a reporter a “toxic little queen” it wasn’t homophobic. So Baldwin’s defense is that he is equally obnoxious to everyone?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Paula Deen jokes, Snowden jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 27, 2013
When they say the gay marriage ruling doesn’t hurt ANYONE in a straight relationship suppose this is not strictly speaking true. Think of those guys who have said “Of course I’d marry you, honey, but we have to show solidarity with our LGBT friends…”
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AMA is going to have a knitting-themed river cruise next December, featuring a man named Barry Klein, considered “one of the top 10 most influential men in the world of knitting.” Wow. There ARE 10 men in the world of knitting?
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So at Wimbledon, Nadal is out, Federer is out, and Sharapova is out. Television executives must feel like they do about major golf tournaments when Tiger misses the cut.
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Understated opening line of the week from Wikipedia “Aaron Michael Hernandez (born November 6, 1989) is an American football tight end who is currently a free agent. He most recently played for the New England Patriots.”
Matt Krook, the Miami Marlins’ 1st round pick, will instead attend the University of Oregon. Maybe Krook wants to play in front of bigger crowds?
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Now the police may charge Aaron Hernandez with more murders. Scary. While the NFL is limiting purses and backpacks after the Boston bombings, it might be that the guys on the field are more dangerous than the terrorists.
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From Marc Ragovin: ” Cleveland Browns rookie Ausar Walcott has been charged with attempted murder and has been cut by the team. I think I know where he’s gonna end up next. The Patriots’ practice squad.”
What if they had an #NBA draft and nobody cared? #Whoaretheseguys
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Former Warriors and Wizards star Gilbert Arenas was arrested in Los Angeles after officers stopped him for speeding, and allegedly found 20 boxes of illegal fireworks. And NBA officials are just relieved he didn’t shoot somebody.
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Wow. Now Rick Perry is going after Wendy Davis by saying he is glad her single mother didn’t choose an abortion: “What if her mom had said, “I just can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. At that particular point in time I think it becomes very personal.” Yes, Governor, these choices are always VERY personal. Would call him a douchebag but that is an insult to douchebags.
35 NFL players arrested so far this year . How long until NFL playbooks start including Miranda rights?
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Prosecutors may allege Aaron Hernandez killed a man who knew too much about two other men the former Patriots TE may have killed next year. Does this mean it wouldn’t have been long until he shot his alleged accomplices for knowing too much about the latest murder?
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Tweet from Chick-Fil A President on DOMA decision “Sad day for our nation; founding fathers would be ashamed of our gen. to abandon wisdom of the ages re: cornerstone of strong societies.” Right, founding fathers like Jefferson with Sally Hemmings and Franklin who had common-law wife raise his illegitimate son by another woman..
Not a bad day for #NFL, okay, so #NBAdraft got headlines, but no additional players arrested.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, NBA draft jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 26, 2013
Conservatives may be disheartened over DOMA being overturned today, and gay marriages being allowed again in California. But hey, from a business standpoint, think of all the economic stimulus from gay weddings! #Expensivechampagne
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Is the New England Patriots’ season as dead as DOMA?
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Apparently Aaron Hernandez is the 29th NFL player arrested since this year’s Super Bowl. This is clearly what comes of allowing too many heterosexuals in the league.
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The prosecution’s evidence against Hernandez allegedly includes some used bubble gum found in a car seen near the site of the murder. Gum that he may have been seen buying. So does this mean, if he chewed, then he is through?
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Cleveland rookie LB Ausar Walcott was arrested Tuesday and charged with attempted murder after he allegedly punched a man in the head last weekend. Gosh, the Browns can’t even get the major headlines on the NFL police blotter.
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Rough week for Paula Deen. Who knew it was possible to make Walmart look politically correct?
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Paula Deen in a teary television interview today complained of “horrible, horrible lies” about her. Uh, in Celebrity 101 class shouldn’t there be a session featuring Hugh Grant’s interview with Leno? Admit, say you were stupid, and move on. (Then if necessary find God and beg forgiveness.)
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Just wondering, how would Justice Clarence Thomas have ruled on “Loving v. Virginia” in 1967….
(if that’s too “inside baseball,” “Loving v. Virginia” was the ruling that struck down inter-racial marriage laws. And Thomas is married to a white woman.)
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Best comedy line of the week goes to coach Chip Kelly: “As I have I stated before, the NCAA investigation and subsequent ruling had no impact on my decision to leave Oregon for Philadelphia.”
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Former Cub Kerry Wood found a body floating in a harbor. I hear he strained his shoulder calling 911.”
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In Justice Scalia’s angry dissent today he once again railed against “homosexual sodomy.” So does he have a position on heterosexual sodomy. (Technically defined as anything but vaginal intercourse…?.)
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry just called a new special session to take up the abortion bill that was filibustered last night. What happened to that “small government” philosophy?
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You can’t make this stuff up… Gov. Perry says he is calling a special session on that abortion bill because “Texans value life.” On the same day that the state has executed its 500th inmate since they reinstated the death penalty in 1982.
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Somewhere both #MollyIvins and #AnnRichards are together looking down on #WendyDavis. And smiling.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Standwithwendy jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, DOMA jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Rick Perry jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 24, 2013
Singer Chris Brown has again been accused of assault. allegedly shoving a woman to the ground at a Southern California nightclub on Saturday night. So congratulations to all those who had June 22 in the pool.
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Today starts the George Zimmerman trial in Orlando. Whatever happens, Americans should feel confident that justice will be served, because they had had the Casey Anthony trial there, and we know how well that turned out… Oops, never mind.
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Lots of tennis fans were upset that Rafael Nadal was a 5 seed at Wimbledon. Guess they were right. He should have been lower.
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Not looking good for Aaron Hernandez as the murder investigation continues. Starting to look like the Patriots’ TE best hope would be to get the LAPD involved in the case.
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Congrats to UCLA, in the College World Series, and winners of game one against Mississippi State. Well, at least one Southern California team is seeing 2013 postseason action.
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In honor of the Chicago Blackhawks, the Cubs put in lights on their stadium Monday night “2013 Stanley Cup Champions.” Might be the only time in many people’s lifetimes they will see the word “Champions” at Wrigley Field.
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Rough night in Boston. #Bruins just pulled off a collapse so fast and awful you figured Bill Buckner had to be involved.
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Newly released documents show the IRS also targeted groups seeking tax-exempt status with terms including “Israel,” ”Progressive” and “Occupy.” Out of habit, the GOP blamed Obama.
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In Paris, a 52 year old mother was arrested and her daughter may be banned from taking official exams for 5 years, after the woman attempted to take the French equivalent of the SAT for her daughter. “How awful.” responded some American parents. “Great idea, needed better execution” responded others.
(As my friend Jim McCann says, “
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NY Giants WR Brandon Collins has been suspended without pay for the first four games of the 2013 season for violating the NFL Policy and Program for Substances of Abuse. Four whole games. Wow. Well, at least he didn’t do anything really bad like wearing the wrong color shoes or criticizing officials..
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Rays’ pitcher Alex Cobb, who was hit in the ear by a batted ball and got a concussion on June 15 now simply thinks pitchers should have the option to wear headgear. Adding “I don’t want it to turn into something where every pitcher on the mound has to wear something. That’s everybody’s personal choice.” This idea is so reasonable I’m sure Bud Selig will find a reason against it.
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Sorry folks in Dodger Stadium; real baseball fans do not do the wave. #wavefail
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Edward Snowden is getting really serious about staying out of sight. Rumor has it he’s even talked to NBC about a place on their summer schedule.
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Former Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi, 76, was convicted today of paying for sex with an underage prostitutes and then trying to cover it up. He was sentenced to 7 years, and barred from public office for life. Did the court figure Italians would elect him again otherwise?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, baseball jokes, Chris Brown jokes, College World Series jokes, Janice Hough, Wimbledon jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 