Posted tagged ‘Egypt jokes’

Cruz-ing?

August 20, 2013

Tea Party darling and possible 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz released his birth certificate. He was born in Canada to a U.S. mother and a Cuban father, which most legal scholars say qualifies him as a “natural-born citizen” and thus eligible to run under the Constitution. Fine, except do his fans realize that this means it doesn’t matter if Obama was born in Hawaii, in Kenya or on Mars, because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is also “natural-born.”

ESPN is reporting that allegedly Miguel Tejada, who was suspended 105 games for amphetamine use this season, was also implicated in the Biogenesis investigation. So MLB had the choice of suspending him for either case. Guess the league chose the option where their drug testing actually WORKED?

Understatement of the week? In a USA Today story on Egypt, a reservations agent at the Cairo Four Seasons was quoted “We cannot accept any reservations until next Saturday, because as you know, there are bad circumstances around the hotel.

Another thought about Ted Cruz’s birth certificate. Under Canadian law, unless he formally renounces it, he still has dual-citizenship, and could run for office in Canada. Of course, the country might view that as a serious threat to the U.S/Canada relationship.
 
 
Aaron Hernandez, writing a letter to a fan from jail. “My biggest fear of all is she (my little girl) won’t know daddy.” Many people watching this case think it might be scarier if she DID end up knowing him.
 
A-Rod’s lawyer said on the “Today Show” he wanted to talk more about the case, but was prohibited from doing so by baseball’s confidentiality clause. Then Matt Lauer showed him a document sent by MLB waiving confidentiality….. This isn’t a steroid issue any more, it’s the “World Series of Poker.”
 
Stay classy Texas GOP men: A supporter of Greg Abbott, the attorney general running for Governor tweeted that Abbott “would absolutely demolish idiot @WendyDavisTexas in Gov race – run Wendy run! Retard Barbie to learn life lesson” Abbott’s initial response “Thanks for your support.”
 

After a spate of negative publicity, the NCAA has given a waiver to five-year Marine veteran Steven Rhodes to play football at Middle Tennessee State. Originally Rhodes was ruled illegible because he played in a military recreational league. (Now had he played pro-baseball like Chris Weinke or Russell Wilson, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.)

Dick Van Dyke, 87, barely escaped injury while driving his sports car on Highway 101 near L.A. The Jaguar caught fire and a passing motorist pulled him out of the car before it was engulfed in flames. Glad he’s okay, but 87? Even NFL players are thinking “Dude, ever heard of a car and driver?

The Obama’s have adopted a second dog, Sunny, the same Portuguese Water Dog breed as Bo due to family allergies. GOP take on the new member of the President’s household? Just another Democrat supported by public funds.

Go fourth.

July 3, 2013

As we approach the 4th of July, do the British look upon the day much as a parent might look upon the day that a child leaves the nest. Painful, but in retrospect thank God they’re no longer our responsibility?

 

Douglas Engelbart, 88, who invented the computer mouse, has passed away. Funeral attendees will no doubt get an electronic invitation that they can click on for directions.

A new report says the U.S. State Department spent about $630,000 to get more followers on their Facebook pages? Really? All they needed were a few good cat pictures.

According to a story in the Washington Post Magazine, apparently now Ted Nugent is considering a White House bid. What’s his slogan? “For those who think Salin Palin isn’t batshit crazy enough?

As more and more information comes out about Aaron Hernandez, what’s more shocking… that the former Patriots’ tight end could be so evil, or that he could be so stupid?

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West apparently turned down a $3 million photo offer from a magazine for their baby. Translation, they’re holding out for $5 million.

Apparently an arrest warrant has been obtained for San Francisco 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks, alleging he hit teammate Lamar Divens with a beer bottle. So congrats to all who had July 3 in the latest NFL pool

(If not, no worries, a new pool starts today….)

Brad Stevens, 36, has been named the new Boston Celtic coach. Now Boston’s trading Kevin Garnett, 37, really makes sense. Since otherwise KG might have been telling Stevens to “respect his elders.”

For his recent performance Buster Posey was chosen the NL Player of the Week. For their recent performance the SF Giants were chosen the NL Team of the Weak.

 

Stupid joke running through my head all day. Why did people rise up against President Morsi? They think “He’gypped us.”

Decisions, decisions

February 12, 2011

First he’s staying, then he’s rumored to be leaving, then he announces he’s staying, then finally Friday he resigns. Not sure what now-former Egyptian President Mubarak’s plans include, but one option probably includes playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

So, the revolution in Egypt has brought new leadership and the Egyptian people have hopes for a bright future. On the other hand, it’s not quite THAT easy. How many times in the past 100 years have the Chicago Cubs changed managers?

Congratulations to the people of Egypt. On the other hand, how would we Americans feel waking up in the morning to find out the Pentagon was in charge?

A new Ronald Reagan stamp will be a 44 cent “forever” stamp. To really do Reagan’s economic policies justice, Americans should buy the stamps, and save them to use when the real cost of first class postage is over $1.

The white designer mini-dress Lindsay Lohan wore to court this week apparently has now sold out in stores. Wonder how long it will take them to come up with a striped version.

A new book claims that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has fathered at least four “love children.” Who knew that Assange apparently had dreams of playing in the NBA?

Regarding Assange, yeah, white men can’t jump, but they can apparently score.  Especially without protection.

Newly released in the cinema:  A mediocre Adam Sandler-Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy and a Justin Bieber documentary.  It’s enough to even make many women say “So honey, isn’t the Pro Bowl normally the weekend after the Super Bowl?”

The Cleveland Cavaliers tonight ended their 26 game losing streak by beating the Los Angeles Clippers in overtime. And somewhere, some aging members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins cracked open a few beers.

From Bill Littlejohn:  Albert Haynesworth was reportedly involved in a road rage incident in which he punched another driver after allegedly tailgating him.  Redskins fans say it’s reportedly the first time he’s caught someone from behind all year.

Transitions.

February 11, 2011

President Mubarak of Egypt did not resign today, but he did delegate all real power to his Vice President. Responded George W. Bush “Been there, done that.”

 The Metrodome landlords decided today to replace, not repair, the snow damaged roof for next season. So for the Vikings in 2011, that’s now two aging relics that won’t be back.

Sarah Palin referred to Rick Santorum as a “knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.” Wow, wonder who helped her write that on her hand?

Regarding events in Egypt. We may do a lot of things wrong in this country but we sure do a neat and orderly job of transferring Presidential power on January 20 every four or eight years.

The Cleveland Cavaliers lost again, tying the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the longest losing streak by a professional sports team. Although, really, when you lose 26 in a row, don’t you kind of forfeit the right to call yourself a professional sports team?

 Los Angeles judge set bail for Lindsay Lohan in her felony theft case and told the troubled star not to “push her luck.” Then the judge had to leave the courtroom to get home. Since his horse was out in the field and he needed to close the barn door behind it.

Well, although the entire world expected his resignation speech, Egyptian President Mubarak said he would “delegate powers” but refused to leave. “Doesn’t this guy know when to quit?” asked Brett Favre?

The Cleveland Cavaliers are desperate for wins after losing 26 straight. At this point their only hope might be March Madness – with a decent seed they might make it through the first weekend.

While no one knows for sure if Congresswoman Giffords will be able to return to Washington, she did utter an intelligible phrase this week. Which already puts her ahead of many current members of Congress.

Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan abruptly resigned in the middle of the season, apparently deciding he was done with professional basketball. Wonder if he’s got any interest in the Cavaliers job?

Mike Simpson, a Republican on the House Appropriations Committee says that the fight to cut spending could lead to a government shut down.   This is different from the current situation how?

Great quote from Ben Cohen in the Wall Street Journal: “These are strange times, even by California’s standards. The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions for the first time, Stanford boasts the West Coast’s best football team and Los Angeles’s marquee NBA draw, Blake Griffin, plays for the Clippers.”

from Jim Barach: Three alien hunters say that scientists should develop a protocol for sending intelligible communications to life on other planets. That pretty much rules out text messaging.