Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

 

#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”

Drained?

November 11, 2016

So about when will Donald Trump realize that it is now HIS alligators and his swamp?

Have to think George W. Bush is smiling just a bit. Decent chance many will no longer think he’s worst US President In recent memory

 

Melania Trump and Michelle Obama apparently had a nice meeting in the White House today. Assume Melania asked Michelle for names of her favorite florist, chef, restaurants, speechwriter….

If #Trump is really going to start deporting immigrants how will Melania get her nails done?

Well, at least Thursday night Americans could take a break & have the biggest thing that sucks on TV be the #Browns. #CLEvsBAL

And early in the game, the Browns were actually ahead.  Until they reverted to form.  There alas went the 49ers best chance at a #1 draft pick.

NY Giants WR Victor Cruz, asked about Donald Trump post-election “My mom told me one time that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. So I’m gonna stick to that one.”
#notsodumbjock

Alabama football coach Nick Saban claimed today he had no idea there was a Presidential election Tuesday. “We’re focused on other things here”. Sigh. Pretty sure those other things don’t include education.

Your non-election Florida item for the afternoon: According to police affidavits, FIU senior TE Jonnu Smith’s girlfriend was upset about him not paying enough attention to her, so she poured boiling water on him. Smith is now out for the season with multiple burns. Oh, and she’s pregnant with their child. And you thought YOUR parents were embarrassing.

Rudy Giuliani on plans to “lock her up” with Hillary Clinton “I think that somebody should review that very carefully, as to how bad is that evidence. And if it isn’t as bad as some of the exaggerators think it is, then maybe the best thing to do is forget about it and move on.”
“Some of the exaggerators?” And Rudy said it with a straight face.

The Obamacare federal exchange had more than 100,000 signups yesterday, their largest day of the year. Lovely, so the threat of fines doesn’t spur people to action, but the threat of a Trump presidency does.

Waiting to see Trump announce simple new health plan that is much cheaper than Obamacare – “You get well without a doctor or you die”

So far Donald Trump’s transition team is heavy on Heritage Foundation types, K street lobbyists and GOP insiders. So was “drain the swamp” simply to get easier access to some of the bottom feeders there?

Going to be interesting to see if Donald Trump has any women in his administration. One problem, leaving misogyny aside, is any woman attractive enough to be “his first choice” might well not want to get within groping distance.

Wondering with all these ambitious legislative plans if #GOP has forgotten about that little 60 vote rule in Senate they loved so much.

Someone gave the Donald his Twitter account back    “Just had a very open and successful presidential election. Now professional protesters, incited by the media, are protesting. Very unfair!”

Such a gracious winner.

Apparently some anti-Trump protests are blocking traffic in the SF Bay Area. (Interstate 80). While I’m as upset about this election as anyone, making people late for work, childcare pickup, etc, etc, is a really good way to turn off anyone even a little bit moderate.

 

 

Many of these Trump protesters are young, some too young to vote. (Although I sure hope those who could, did.) But thinking about it, I can understand how this election hit the younger generation especially hard.
They have grown up with concepts we middle-aged and old farts never did: global warming, the idea of racial equality, anti-bullying and sexual assault messages, openly LGBT friends, taco trucks on the corner…. And with a soft-spoken African-American president.
It’s not just that we’ve elected a Republican, it’s that we’ve elected a man who at times has gone against all these people and things, and more. That is very very scary.

It’s all about standards:

November 1, 2016

While we attack political pandering in the US, give White  Sox fan Barack Obama major props for not pretending to root for the Cubs in the World Series

Mets closer Jeurys Familia was arrested yesterday for alleged domestic violence. Shocking NY fans who thought all Familia hit in October was other teams’ bats.

Add #Familia to the list, along with #Chapman, of closers #SFGiants want nothing to do with.

 

New ad #JeurysFamilia: “I’m a baseball fan. I’m a Mets fan. I’m NOT A FAN of domestic violence.” Not a fan because he is a DV player? Sigh

 

Eagles WR Josh Huff was arrested this morning. He was allegedly speeding while in possession of a gun AND marijuana. So is that the NFL arrest trifecta?

Sean Payton yesterday “We’re the only league that has officials that have primary other jobs, which is really madness. We can pay these guys. They should be full-time NFL officials, and they should be working throughout the week, communicating”
Can’t wait to see how much Roger Goodell penalizes the Saints for this one.

Washington LT Trent WIlliams the latest NFL player suspended four -games for violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. But he can still work out and go to team meetings, so should be back and fresh in plenty of time for any potential  postseason. Other than the lack of pay anyone but me thinking these wrist-slaps are almost a mid-season vacation?

The SF 49ers are allowing the most points per game, and are averaging the fewest yards in NFL. Talk about a well-balanced team.

As the FBI absurdity continues have to think that private meeting Bill Clinton had with Loretta Lynch on the tarmac is making Hillary angrier even than she was about Monica.

 

Anti @HillaryClinton ad during the #WorldSeries Sponsored by NRA. Another reason to say #ImWithHer

If  Wikileaks & FBI about to leak every email sent in last 10 years to national media, I’m sure most Americans would have nothing to hide.

Monday the FBI just happened to release documents about Bill Clinton’s pardon of Marc Rich (remember him?) in 2001. Then they issued a tweet about the files today. Anyone still think the bureau is impartial?

Shall we start a pool on what documents @FBI will release tomorrow? #VinceFoster, #Whitewater, @HillaryClinton’s report cards? #WTF?

Regarding John Kasich’s choice to write in John McCain instead of either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, wonder if he plans to run for President again in 2020. When no doubt the Ohio Governor would tell Americans he is ready to make the really tough choices facing this country.

Nobody’s perfect.

October 28, 2016

Jon Stewart, when he quit “The Daily Show” in 2015. “I’d covered an election four times, and it didn’t appear that there was going to be anything wildly different about this one.”

Another reason baseball is the BEST sport. In a 1-0 game you can’t just play keep-away & try to run out clock. #WorldSeries #Indians #Cubs

The World Series reminds us again that #As really are a farm system for the rest of MLB. #Crisp #Zobrist #Lester #Russell #Davis #Otero

While the SF Giants are not in the World Series, Giants fans had to like to hear ESPN’s play-by-play announcer Dan Shulman on Indians pitcher Tomlin “”he can handle bat though he’s no Bumgarner.”

The U.K. Telegraph finally posted an interview with Bob Dylan saying he “absolutely” wants to attend the Nobel Prize Ceremony “if it’s at all possible.”
Actually, Dylan probably gave the interview on the day he won the award, it’s just taken them this long to translate it.

A recent Chapman University poll showed that 32% of Americans are afraid of climate change, while 42% are afraid of clowns. #BeamMeUpScottieThereIsNoIntelligentLifeOnThisPlanet

In a debate with Tammy Duckworth, who is a Purple Heart winner from the Iraq War and double amputee, Sen. Mark Kirk made a jab at her mother’s being from Thailand. Among those who have criticized him, KellyAnne Conway. Thereby answering a question “How low do you have to go to be called out by the Trump campaign?”.

Today is #NationalChocolateDay. And women are going “Isn’t EVERY day ‘National Chocolate Day?'”

 

Pac 12 Commissioner Larry Scott, answering a reporter’s question about a TV contract that has Cal playing back-to-back weeknight games during a tough academic period. “That hasn’t been a parameter, academic schedules per se, so it hasn’t come up… Well of course not, the idea of big conference television contracts started with the SEC. #whatacademicschedules?

 

An American Airlines flight at O’Hare caught fire when a tire apparently blew on takeoff. Expect flight delays. And for United Airlines to immediately institute a tire maintenance fee.

“New” Clinton emails may be from #AnthonyWeiner. Will #FBI agents reading them get hardship pay for needing to take so many showers?

 

No doubt Hillary Clinton is furious over the alleged Anthony Weiner messages being used to reopen her FBI email investigation. On the other hand, she has to be very thankful sexting wasn’t an option during Bill’s time in the White House.

Rumor today that if Hillary Clinton wins she would like to name Biden as Secretary of State. Wonder if this means Joe, who would be 81,  wants to run for President in 2024?

 

From T.C.  “Tickets for this weekend’s games at Wrigley will average $5,000 ea. Of course, this includes Steve Bartman’s ticket. The Cubs gave him $10,000 to go watch the game at a bar in Miami.”

On and on…

October 26, 2016

4 hours & 4 minutes for 5-1 Chicago win. Good thing Cubs have plenty of fans because these first two World Series games  would not convert many to MLB

Blowout baseball games are really only fun to watch if you’re a fan of the team doing the blowing-out. Another reason Fox might consider showing more regular season games to create national rather than regional interest….

 

Just one game and one win, but tonight did Lakers get a taste of what it might have been like to have Kobe Bryant retire sooner?

Yoenis Cespedes has opted out of his #Mets contract and plans to test free agent market. Because 4 teams in 6 years wasn’t enough?

Looking at all these bundled-up players in 40 degree temperatures during the World Series makes me nostalgic for Candlestick Park.

A police report on the crash that took the life of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez found “a strong odor of alcohol” and evidence that whoever was driving the boat was speeding and driving with “recklessness” that was “exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol.”
Sad, really sad. But “I am shocked, said nobody.”

American is going to be the next major U.S. airline to start selling “Basic” economy fares – no changes, standby, seat assignments, etc. So how low can they go – the option to fly as cargo?.

Newt Gingrich tweeted today “‘For the record Megyn Kelly is wrong, I don’t have anger management issues. I do have media bias issues!” Wonder if he was shouting while he wrote it.

 

Story out of Australia is that two beautiful young women who were contestants on the “The Bachelor” did indeed find love. With each other. Hmm, if this becomes a thing might increase U.S. men’s viewership.

All of this “repeal and replace” about Obamacare that the GOP is spouting. Of course what they don’t spout is that they want to replace it with nothing.

 

 

 

Trump says he’s going to spend over $100 million on his campaign before election day. Has someone told him he can’t take this loss off his taxes?

Trump today “I will never, ever take the African-American community for granted — unlike Hillary.”‘
Okay but while the Donald castigates Hillary for what she didn’t do in the Senate, why, with all his decades-old business empire can Trump not name a thing he has done as far as minority hiring and other outreach?

 

Donald Trump said last week that “I will reverse Obama’s executive orders & concessions towards Cuba.” Meaning besides travel that Cuban rum & cigars will become illegal again. Forget sexual assault, racism, healthcare etc, this might be the “trump” card for Hillary to woo white men.

From Alex Kaseberg  “A youth football team was kicked out of its league in Rhode Island when they snuck a grown man into their lineup. Man, Johnny Manziel cannot catch a break.”

Folks I suppose became suspicious when the team beat the Browns.

From Paul Lander.  Indeed, the gift that keeps on giving:   “Happy 69th Birthday, @HillaryClinton. Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.”

 

Maybe 81-1?

October 25, 2016

So maybe Golden State Warriors don’t want pressure of an undefeated season? Or maybe Greg Popovich is a very very good coach

 

And maybe Spurs assistant coach Becky Hammon, who was head coach of the Spurs D-league in 2014 when Jonathan Simmons took MVP honors 2014,  is also a pretty good coach.

Big night in sports. #WorldSeries began for MLB. And the NBA started the 82-game second phase of their preseason.

World Series started tonight. Maybe if MLB actually showed some regular season games and put the playoffs on network television, millions of Americans might be able to name at least one Cleveland Indian.

#CarlosSantana starting at DH for @Indians. Casual fans thinking shouldn’t he play anthem instead & isn’t he kind of old. #WorldSeries

 

So for a while tonight it was looking like it was not just Bruce Bochy who might have pulled a star starter in playoffs too early.

But reliever Andrew Miller, with a 3 run lead, got the tying run to the plate in the 7th and 8th innings… and got out of it both times.  What a concept.  #SFGiants  #Sigh

The NY Giants have released kicker Josh Brown, saying that “Our beliefs, our judgments and our decisions were misguided.”
Translation, we never believed those documents would be made public.

In select markets, #Arby’s announced they will begin testing venison sandwiches in select markets. Oh, deer.

Tuesday was  #NationalPassiveAggressive day. Fine, whatever.

Barack Obama on Jimmy Kimmel last night “What I don’t do is at 3 a.m. I don’t tweet about people who insulted me. I try to sleep so that in the morning I’m actually ready for a crisis.”
Waiting for the Donald tonight at 3 a.m. to insult the President’s stamina.

 

Glenn Beck just said he thinks Donald Trump is a sociopath. Well, the pot SHOULD be a kettle expert.

A new White House executive action will require airlines to refund baggage fees for delayed baggage. Seems reasonable. Wonder how much airlines will raise fees to cover it.

 

A British Airways flight from San Francisco to London made an emergency landing in Vancouver after the entire crew, including the pilot, became ill. Did they all have the fish? #Ahospitalwhatisit? #surelyyoucantbeserious

Justin Timberlake posted a selfie of himself doing early voting wth a covered up ballot, urging people to vote. But pictures in polling places are illegal in Tennessee. The horror. Trump claiming election fraud in 3.2.1…..

 

After Megyn Kelly told Newt Gingrich people have a right to hear reporting on women accusing Trump of being a “sexual predator, ” Gingrich actually shouted “You are fascinated with sex and you don’t care about public policy!”
Well, that should help with the women’s vote.

Trump told Reuters today as President he would not put any Democrats in his cabinet. Which could be tough. Not sure the Donald could find enough Republicans he hasn’t mortally offended.

Colin Powell today announced ““I am voting for Hillary Clinton.” Waiting for attack tweets from #DonaldTrump against Powell in 3.2.1….

 

My boat would have been huge, the best, that shark would have been sushi. Only losers get eaten. #TrumpaHorrorMovie

 

He had very small hands. I ate them with fava beans & the bestest Chianti. #TrumpAHorrorMovie.

 

From Mark Ricklis  “Have you seen the new Trump website? Grope-on.”

The Buck stops here?

October 24, 2016

There is a petition being circulated to replace Joe Buck with Bob Uecker for the World Series. They had me at “replace Joe Buck.”

In the December 2014 Foster Farms Bowl matching Stanford and Maryland at Levi’s Stadium, so few fans were interested that organizers closed off the upper bowl of the stadium and moved everyone down to the lower levels.
So for future home games, how much worse do the 49ers have to get before the team decides to do the same thing?

#NFL wonders why TV ratings are down & then Seahawks and Cardinals play to a 6-6 tie in overtime on Sunday Night Football.

 

General Mills said today they will produce limited-edition Girl Scout cookie cereal, in both Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavors. Isn’t it easier to just eat cookies for breakfast?

Saddest thing about this election? Molly Ivins is not still on earth to cover it.

Monday – October 24- was the last day to register to vote in California. So presume everyone who has not voted has forfeited bitching rights until next election!

Elizabeth Warren to Trump “nasty women have really had it with guys like you. And on November 8. we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.”
Sometimes even the best SNL skit is no match for reality. #YouGoGirl

 

Despite Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments, a recent Zogby poll showed 12% of Arab-American Muslims said they’d vote for him. Guessing 99% of that 12% are men?

This sort of thing would be funnier if it weren’t true: Trump, denying his latest accuser “And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
Can just imagine the Donald’s response on the subject of marital rape…

Last week President Obama said that while people worry about being “left behind” with globalization “To try to pull-up a drawbridge on trade would only hurt us and hurt our workers.”
To which Chris Christie no doubt responded “Uh, you don’t need a drawbridge.”

Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara, asked about any “October Surprises” today, responded “There’s still a couple of days left in October. So, we’ll see, we’ve got some stuff up our sleeve.”
Yeah, sounds like she’s become a Trump alright.

 –

Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway claimed that her boss would love more debates “the country benefits from those type of forum and we’d be willing to do another one if somehow they can squeeze it in.”
So is Conway really working for the Donald? Or for Alec Baldwin?

 

Donald Trump today, trying to feed the hand he’s been biting “Go out and vote and that includes helping me reelect Republicans all over the place. He then added: “I hope they help me too! It’d be nice if they help us too, right?”
Someone really should tell the Donald that there is this thing called the internet that keeps track of every insult you say.

 

 

 

 

Marc Ragovin   “After watching the Giants/Rams game, I am surprised the Brits haven’t severed relations with the US.”