Posted tagged ‘ALCS jokes’

Comes a time?

October 18, 2016

Cubs looking tonight like this may not be their century either.

 

At Dodger Stadium tonight Cubs fans were chanting “We don’t quit.” I think they meant to replace the “Qu” with an “H.”

#Cubs hitters looked so lost wonder if to get in sync they’ll offer to pay #SFGiants bullpen to fly in & pitch batting practice?

Way to grow the Major League Baseball. The ALCS with Cleveland vs. Toronto is on during the day when many are at work.  And the NLCS with the Cubs vs LA is on FS1, a channel many people, and most hotels, don’t get.

Saddest thing about #NLDS is that 1 inning from #SF bullpen might have kept us from a great #Dodgers #Giants series for pennant. @MLB

About time to put pictures of the #Cubs‘ bats on milk cartons. #NLCS

If Donald Trump was a baseball coach he’d have been thrown out of the game by now.

How statesmanlike of him: John McCain “”I promise you that we will be united against any Supreme Court nominee that Hillary Clinton, if she were president, would put up.”

Scary Trump tweet of the morning. “41% of American voters believe the election could be “stolen” from DonaldTrump due to widespread voter fraud. – Politico”
What’s scariest is that Trump’s antics have convinced enough people that the tweet is accurate.

So Donald Trump is bringing President Obama’s half-brother Malik to tomorrow’s debate. Malik, 58, while still a U.S.citizen, is a Muslim who lives mostly in Kenya, has been accused of domestic violence, and has at least 3 current wives, the last who he married in 2011 when she was a teenager. Just the kind of man the Donald thinks we need more of in this country….

 

Bill Clinton’s accusers, Barack Obama’s half-brother…. who’s next for @realDonaldTrump to bring to debates. Anyone seen Tipper Gore lately?

 

Curt Schilling, upset at comparisons to his bloody sock game “Please don’t tweet at me about Bauer.He cost himself a start, likely more, AND his teammates, and fans, dicking around with a drone. #stupid

Of course there’s no comparison. Nor is there any comparison to costing the state of Rhode Island $50 million by “dicking around” with a video game company. #38Studios #stupid

 

For all those comedy writers worried about going through withdrawal for material after November 8; Curt Schilling announced today on Twitter he is going to run for the Senate in 2018 against Elizabeth Warren. #passthepopcorn

If #CurtSchilling runs for Senate in Massachusetts, how long until #ElizabethWarren  tells him to put a bloody sock in it?

Now Wikileaks’ Julian Assange is claiming that John Kerry cut off his internet at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. And Kerry is thinking, if we had that power don’t you think we would have done it a long time ago?

Actually it turns out Ecuador temporarily restricted Julian Assange’s internet access at their embassy. Might have been easier just to switch him to Windows 2000

So tired of “urgent” fundraising emails  ” Like this one “don’t abandon Hillary, please when she needs us most” (before the last debate.)
Right about now what Hillary really needs is for Donald just to keep talking.

Marc Ragovin “Melania says Donald should be excused for his crass remarks about women because he was egged on by Billy Bush. Hey, if you can get outwitted by Billy Bush, you iz too dumb to be president.”

Forever young at heart?

October 17, 2016

The Nobel Prize committee says that five days after they awarded the Prize for literature to Bob Dylan, they have not yet heard from their newest laureate. Or maybe Dylan has responded and they had no idea what who he was or what he was saying?

The #Big12 today decided not to expand & will stay at 10 members. Why should conference confuse players with a tough concept like math?

Some references today to #ColinKaepernick being a “distraction” for @49ers. Because without him they would only have lost by 20 points?

Trevor Bauer, who cut himself repairing one of his drones,  was not allowed to wear even as much as a Band-Aid on his finger tonight while pitching. The stitches broke, resulting in Bauer having to leave, dripping blood, in the first inning.    Cleveland used a total of 7 pitchers, and kept the Blue Jays to 2 runs.

 

And that, #SFGiants fans, ladies and gentlemen, is a bullpen. #Indians #ALCS

Wonder many MLB teams are rushing to add “no drones during the season” into their contract  language..

The Los Angeles Dodgers apparently stayed at the Trump hotel in Chicago for their regular season series against the Cubs in May. But Adrian Gonalez, who is of Mexican descent, refused, saying  “I had my reasons.”

Darn, another Dodger I can’t root against.

 

Anyone but me really tired of pumpkin flavored everything?

 

Fox News’ Shep Smith has come out as gay. Shocking millions of Americans who thought he was already out.

 

At a Donald Trump rally in Wisconsin tonight the crowd started chanting “Paul Ryan sucks!” So is this how the Donald would propose to start his State of the Union speech?

Melania Trump said that Donald really didn’t mean the things he said to Billy Bush, but that Bush had “egged him on.” Well it’s a good thing that Putin, or Congress, would never egg Trump on while in office.

As an anonymous friend said ““My husband can’t throw footballs and grab pussies at the same time!”

Donald Trump  said #SNL should be cancelled & was “unfunny.” Uh, if unfunny on occasion was reason enough, SNL would have been cancelled years ago.

Women who have come forward about #Trump‘s groping them can take comfort, he didn’t mean it, he was just trying to impress #BillyBush.

Storms and other hot air

October 23, 2015

The Pacifc Coast of Mexico braced today for Patricia, possibly the “worst hurricane ever.,” which was expected still to be a major storm by the time it hits Texas.   Waiting for Donald Trump to say if he were in charge he’d put up a wall to stop it.

The only way CNN could have been more excited about Hurricane ‪#‎Patricia‬ was if there were a cruise ship potentially stuck in it.

First Jim Webb, now it’s bye bye Lincoln Chafee. Say what you want about Democrats, but at least they know when to give up on hopeless Presidential campaigns. Yes, I’m talking about you “fill-in-the-blank.”

U.S. authorities this week found a U.S.-Mexico border tunnel stretching the length of 8 football fields long, from Tijuana to San Diego, with lighting, electricity and a rail system. Sounds like these are the kind of folks Trump might want to build that wall.

Spurs basketball coach Gregg Popovich is going to be the new coach of Team USA. Will be quite a change for Pop to coach a team of American players.

Got to love it, on Friday night, Fox Sports ticker had “Breaking News – Royals defeat Rays 4-3 to advance to second straight World Series.” During post game ‪#‎ALCS‬ coverage.

Scott Servais will apparently be named the Mariners new manager this year. So once again folks, if you want your kids to grow up to be managers, give them a catcher’s mitt.

Westboro Baptist Church was picketing the Blue Jays -Royals ALCS game tonight to “preach to the depraved Canadians.” Where were some players with good strong bat flips when you REALLY needed them?

New Jersey police are looking for the rightful owner of 50 pounds of pot that was mailed to someone who didn’t even live at the address. When that person comes forward he/she will receive free room and board from the state for a while. Along with a ‪#‎canttixstupid‬ award.

The number of confirmed Shigella infections has risen to 141 in an outbreak traced to a San Jose, CA restaurant. So waiting for N.C. senator Thom Tillis to reiterate his Feb. 2015 comments of how obligatory hand-washing rules are an example of government overreach.

McDonald’s is testing out new sweet potato fries in Texas. Makes sense. Most Americans really do feel sweet-deprived.

Maine voters fhis fall have “Question 1”, a citizen initiative to strengthen the state’s Clean Election Act . It requires more donor transparency, and would allow candidates that are being heavily outspent by their opponents to re-qualify for additional public financing by collecting more small-dollar contributions.
Governor Paul LePage says “that’s like giving my wife my checkbook. I’m telling you, it’s giving your wife your checkbook.”
Wow., that’s misogynistic enough you wonder if LePage is hoping to be a GOP running mate.

President Obama today compared Republicans to ‪#‎GrumpyCat‬. Prompting calls for an apology…. from Grumpy Cat.

While most agree Hillary Clinton is smart, some of the buzzwords used against her are “Machiavellian,” “ambitious,””ruthless,” “duplicitous,” etc.
Just thinking, what if the Dems ran a woman who was just considered smart, sweet, kind and understanding? Then the GOP would say she was naive and by no means tough enough to lead in a tough world of cunning male leader

All wet?

October 13, 2014

Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was  Monday Night Football.   So at least that didn’t change.

 

The game was scheduled to be on TBS,   had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.

 

The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.

 

#‎Rams‬ looked like they could use ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ on defense ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎MNF‬

How can you not love ‪#‎HunterPence‬? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” ‪#‎HunterPenceSigns‬ ‪#‎SFGiants

NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?

A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.

So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Wouldn’t it have been simpler for ‪#‎jameiswinston‬ if he just traded autographs for crab legs? ‪#‎FSU‬

The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?

A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.

A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”

Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage.  Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.

His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.

 

Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.

And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name.  But as Alex Kaseberg says  “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”

Going to the chapel…

October 11, 2014

Gay marriage is now legal in Nevada. Which means that gays can now get drunk in Las Vegas and make the same quickie marriage mistakes that straights do.

#‎FOX‬ talking about how bad the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are without Angel ‪#‎Pagan‬. Kinda makes you wonder how they got into the ‪#‎NLCS‬ doesn’t it?

So how did anyone ever beat the ‪#‎KCRoyals‬ during the regular season? And are the ‪#‎Royals‬ ever going to lose again? ‪#‎ALCS‬

Mike ‪#‎Moustakas‬, #9 hitter in ‪#‎kcroyals‬ lineup has 4 postseason home runs. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬ is going to take that as a challenge.

National TV ratings for ‪#‎ALCS‬ ‪#‎NLCS‬ would be better if ESPN & FOX paid attention to 4 remaining teams during regular season. ‪#‎nottheyankees‬

More than two dozen teenagers were arrested at opening night of the Arizona State Fair after a brawl broke out. If only they had been armed.

 

How has ‪#‎Royals‬ Lorenzo Cain not been on ESPN’s Top 10 plays and Web Gems every single night of the season?

Bit of trivia from the Royals’ 10th inning win over the Orioles Friday night – the time of game. Four hours and 37 minutes. If Kansas City ever plays an 18 inning game like the SF Giants did the concession stands better have morning coffee ready.

Stanford’s Red Zone offense for the football season is 679, which ranks 115th out of 125 FBS (D-1) teams. Shocking. There are 10 teams who are worse?

FSU just notified Jameis Winston that he will face a disciplinary hearing into sexual assault charges from December 2012. Presume this hearing will take place 3-4 days after the BCS national championship game?

 

Yep, it is all Obama’s fault. This from Phyllis Schafly , “Out of all the things he’s done, I think this thing of letting these diseased people into this country to infect our own people is just the most outrageous of all. Obama doesn’t want America to believe that we’re exceptional. He wants us to be just like everybody else, and if Africa is suffering from Ebola, we ought to join the group and be suffering from it, too. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

 

One reason people are so scared about Ebola is not just that it is usually fatal but also how horrible the disease’s symptoms are in its final stages. Uh, have people read about the last days of smokers who die of lung cancer?

Poll dancing.

October 19, 2013

Five of the 10 ten NCAA football teams have lost today. “Wow,” said SEC players. “That’s more than half.”

Clemson, Texas A & M, South Carolina and Georgia all lost today.   Guess you can’t really build up strength on a steady diet of cupcakes. 

Great touchdown catch for Stanford. Guess you know you’re gettting old when you can remember a time when the reaction wasn’t “Well that will make Top Ten” on “Sportscenter.”

Who knew? University of Central Florida might be a better football team than the University of Florida.

Kentucky coach John Calipari last night “We don’t just play college basketball, we are college basketball. As you know, we are everyone’s Super Bowl.” It’s that kind of humility and grace that makes the Wildcats so beloved around the sport…..

Former Houston Oilers and New Orleans Saints coach Bum Phillips has passed away at the age of 90. Will Saints fans who attend his funeral wear paper bags over their heads?

Former NBA superstar Bill Russell, 79, was arrested this week at Seattle-Tacoma International Airport after he apparently forgot about a loaded .38 caliber pistol in his carry-on luggage. If you’re too old to remember you have a gun, perhaps you’re too old to have a gun.

Jim Leyland has managed this ALCS like a man who is pushing for MLB to have a mandatory managerial retirement age.

Was Max #Scherzer really done in both #ALCS games?   Maybe. Without him, Tigers were really done. Definitely.

So when the Boston Red Sox vote playoff shares will they vote one to the LA Dodgers for taking $250 million worth of bad contracts off their payroll?

Cal is now 1-6 this year after a big loss to Oregon State. The real question for the 2013 Golden Bears – how did they win that one game?

Yankees lose, Yankees lose, theee Yankees lose.

October 18, 2012

Who said money can’t buy happiness? I think a lot of Americans were very happy to see the Yankees’ ALCS performance.

At least the New York Yankees won’t be embarrassed anymore by only partially filling their ballpark this postseason.

So now there’s talk of A-Rod to the Marlins? Will he have an ESPN show to say he’s taking his current lack of talent to South Beach?

From T.C.  “One guy breaks the speed of sound last week plummeting back to earth.   So an entire team does it a week later.”

 

An Air Canada flight arriving into Sydney took a short detour and flew low to find a stranded Australian yacht. Wonder how much a U.S. airline would have billed the Aussies as a service fee for that?

(My father adds that “they flew down to 4000 feet and told the passengers to keep their eyes open as they circle. There was ecstasy among the passengers when they spotted it.  The US airlines would have charged the passengers an entertainment fee.”)

Love it. United Airlines sent me an email suggesting using their website to “find top Los Angeles hotels for your upcoming trip.” Uh, except the trip is down and back the same day.

 

Woo hoo. I am now so important to Mitt Romney he sent me a letter saying “with your gift of at least $5,000 you will be offered a dedicated Romney Victory Staff member who will stand ready to assist you with up-to-the-minute election information.” Cool, wonder if he’ll put me in a binder?

Scary. Honey Boo Boo has endorsed President Obama. Even scarier. With some voters this might help him.

Jerry Sandusky wants a new trial. The only new trial involving this case should be that of his wife.

Google’s stock plunged today after an earnings report they wanted to keep under wraps until after the market closed was released early. “Bummer of a privacy invasion” said absolutely nobody.

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband will not run again if he doesn’t win.   Promise?

Round two

October 17, 2012

Whatever you think about tonight’s Presidential debate,  there’s probably bi-partisan agreement that both candidates did much better than the New York Yankees.

Do they have a conference call in advance of these debates to coordinate clothes like mothers of the bride and groom?    (Tuesday night Obama had a red tie, Romney had a blue tie.)

 

Wonder how many casual New York fans though things were looking up for the Yankees because in game three tonight they were facing the Tigers’ #3 starter?

A-Rod and Nick Swisher were not in the Yankees lineup for the ALCS game 3.   Which meant $40 million alone in two players riding the bench. Who knew Aubrey Huff and Barry Zito would ever seem like bargains.

 

Columbia student Stephan Perez, arrested in 2010 for selling Adderall, described the drug today on NBC’s “Rock Center” as an “academic steroid.” Well, that’s at least one PED that no SEC football players will be accused of using.

Admittedly  I’m biased, but think Obama supporters were both thrilled to see the real Barack show up tonight…and to see the real Mitt show up tonight.

So Mitt Romney has had “binders full of women.” Is that a Mormon thing?

Thieves stole hundreds of mllions of dollars of Picassos, Monets and other works from the Kunsthal museum early Tuesday morning in Rotterdam. The museum said the security was “state of the art,” and that their insurance was “adequate” for the exhibition. Uh, well, at best that’s one out of two.

“No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public”  (P.T. Barnum)  example for the day:

A Chicago man apparently spent $9,995.00 on Ebay to purchase a gallon of barbecue sauce intended for use on McDonald’s McJordan sandwich in 1992.

Apparently Beyonce will be the half-time entertainment for Super Bowl 2013. Isn’t she too young?

From Marc Ragovin:   “At a recent Jay-Z concert to open the Barclay Center, all attendees were subjected to a metal detector scan, while two days later, at the Barbra Streisand concert, all attendees were subjected to a bone density scan.

The Colorado Rockies are apparently talking to Jason Giambi, who hasn’t even retired yet, about managing their team. Gosh, putting someone so inexperienced in charge could result in the team losing almost 100 games. Oops, never mind.

I’m against politicizing either event, but have to wonder why none of these people who insist on blaming Obama for Ambassador Steven’s death in Benghazi ever thought Bush should be blamed at all for 9-11?

Yet more off days…

October 22, 2009

Due to television scheduling the Yankees-Angels had a day between games four and five, and now have another day between games five and six. This is certainly a record playoff year for “off days.” Including for the umpires.


For what it’s worth, had New York won tonight, the World Series wouldn’t have started for six days. Which might have given Yankees fans enough time to take out mortgages to buy Series tickets.


Yahoo has now apologized for using lap dancers to entertain male software developers and engineers in Taiwan last weekend during a “brainstorming meeting.” Yeah, was that really the brain they wanted to encourage the men to use?

So after bypassing Minneapolis the first time, a Northwest Airlines jet made a U-turn and ended up landing there safely. Who was flying the plane – Brett Favre?

A Northwest Airlines plane flying from San Diego overshot Minneapolis airport by 150 miles yesterday before the crew discovered their mistake and turned around. My question, do the passengers get 300 extra frequent flier miles?


Maybe Dodgers fans should cut Manny Ramirez some slack for his weak performance in the NLCS. It’s tough to play with post-partum depression.


Manny Ramirez not only finished the NLCS with a .263 batting average and only 2 RBIs, he had left the dugout was taking a shower during the Phillies comeback in game 4. Though as Bill Littlejohn says “Well, he was the cleanup hitter.”

It has now been 21 years since the Dodgers got to the World Series. On a more positive note, the team issued a press release saying that by not needing a victory parade, they have cut down on their carbon footprint.


California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to fast-track a potential new NFL stadium in Los Angeles in hopes of luring a franchise to the city. And he stated “A team does not have to necessarily come from a California city,” he said. “It can come from somewhere else, or it could be a new team that is created.”

Translation, not even Los Angeles wants the Raiders, 49ers or Chargers.


For that matter, presumably Los Angeles doesn’t want the Rams back either.

Listening to ESPN baseball analysts discuss Saturday’s Yankees-Angels game and claiming that a team’s history doesn’t make any difference to a current team of players who weren’t even there. Two words – Chicago Cubs.


This last may not make sense to anyone under 40. But Soupy Sales died Thursday at the age of 83. Wonder if his tombstone will read “Fit to be Pied?”

ALCS and beyond..

October 20, 2009

It’s a close call. Who’s doing more sleepwalking through the ALCS. The Angels, or the umpires?


On the other hand, the New York Yankees are making a strong case that they might be the best billion dollar team ever put together in baseball.

(And the billion dollars, no joke, when you add up the combined guaranteed contracts. $200 million is just this year…before the trade deadline)

Tacky alert:

A-Rod seems to have rejuvenated his post-season career now that he is dating Kate Hudson. Wonder how many World Series the Yankees might have won had he earlier started dating Goldie Hawn instead of Madonna?


Useless fact of the day: For all the pre-LCS talk about a Freeway Series, it is actually faster to get between Philadelphia and New York by train, than between Los Angeles and Anaheim by car.


A Colorado toddler was denied insurance for being underweight. Which means without healthcare reform America will become a country with a whole underclass of uninsured supermodels.


Actually if being underweight is a reason for current health insurance companies to deny insurance, this is a great way for Obama to get the men of America behind his reform plan – otherwise all the Victoria’s Secret Models and Playboy Bunnies will flee to Canada.


The Obama adminstration has announced they will not go after medicinal marijuana users who are complying with state laws. So marijuana use will still be illegal, but in these cases the law won’t be enforced. Sort of like travelling in the NBA.


Sarah Palin will be appearing on “Oprah” in November to promote her new book. Why the delay? Someone apparently told former Governor Palin that to promote a book you’re supposed to have written, you actually need to have read it.

And the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) has finally gotten around to expelling Dr Michael Kamrava, the “octo-doctor who was Nayda Suleman’s fertility specialist. They declined, however, to give an reason for his expulsion. Let’s see, he implanted six embroyos (two of which split) in an unwed, unemployed, 33 year old mother of six? What was the ASRM’s first clue?