Posted tagged ‘Mitt Romney jokes’

NFL Opening Weak.

September 8, 2014

Nice win for the #49ers over the #Cowboys. Looks like SF will be ready next week to start facing NFL competition.

Although I have to say the 49ers game is looking good for Michael Sam.    Looks like the #Cowboys defense could use help asap.


And  have to wonder, how until #Cowboys fans will be rooting for Michael Sam to sack and injure Tony Romo in practice.

Meanwhile, during the day on NFL opening Sunday, ESPN aired a Canadian Football League game. Guess they wanted to show viewers a higher quality game than the Raiders-Jets.

Sunday was Derek Jeter Day at Yankee Stadium, with nearly an hour of pregame festivities honoring Jeter’s 20 year career. And then the 2014 Yankees went out and lost 2-0 to the Royals. #fitting


Mitt Romney said again that he would have done a better job than President  Obama. Being a Mormon Mitt doesn’t drink wine. But he sure is an expert on sour grapes.

Just a few days after Cleveland coach Mike Pettine said of QB Brian Hoyer “we have his back…. it’s not going to be a quick hook.”, he told ESPN the Browns have prepared Johnny Manziel to play in the season opener against the Steelers, but it would be a “feel thing.” Right, so they have Hoyer’s back, except it might have a knife in it.

ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcers said last night that the #SFGiants had a couple “mediocre” months. “Mediocre? In June and July they well and truly s*cked.


My friend Michael D. has the winning comment on yesterday’s Stanford-USC football game” “It’s just a crying shame the game did not end in a tie so Stanford could have become the first NCAA school to punt in overtime.”



The saddest thing about Joan Rivers’ funeral:. We didn’t get to hear her say a very funny but completely un-PC and inappropriate comment about the deceased.







From T.C   “According to ESPN, the highest price for a family of four to attend an NFL game is the new Santa Clara stadium of the SF 49ers at $641. The cheapest NFL tickets can be found at Buffalo, where the team might pay you $641 to tell your friends that you were at the game.” . . .


Send in the Rodmans?

March 5, 2013

Kim Jong Un’s wife apparently secretly gave birth in late 2012. This could further explain why the North Korean dictator wanted Rodman to visit – not only does Dennis know basketball but no doubt he was also the baby’s first clown.

No brainer? Magic Johnson has offered LeBron James $1 million to participate in the NBA’s slam dunk contest. Seriously LeBron, do the dunks, take the $1 million, donate it to charity. Might be the best “Decision” you ever publicly made.

Charlie Sheen is saying that Lindsay Lohan needs help and is offering to be her mentor. Which is a nice thought, but just exactly how screwed up do you have to be before Charlie Sheen is your voice of reason?

Anyone else get the impression listening to Mitt Romney now that instead of having to run for President, he feels that he should have just been appointed to the job, like a Pope?

Reggie Bush says that Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo “definitely could” have made it in the NFL? Maybe, though like most soccer stars, it would have been an adjustment for Ronaldo to learn about falling on the the ground hard when he was REALLY hit.

Joe Flacco says his new 6-year $120.6 million deal with Baltimore “wasn’t necessarily about the money. It was about earning that respect and feeling like I was respected around here.”

So if the Ravens had offered him $100 million, would Flacco have felt disrespected?-

Marissa Mayer reportedly came up with her directive abolishing telecommuting when she found out that employees weren’t logging in at home as much as they were supposed to be. Or is it just possible they tried regularly, and ofter couldn’t get Yahoo mail to work….

Apparently there are already some extra long airport wait times at Customs and things will get worse in TSA lines due to the sequester. But surely at this difficult time the U.S. can find money in the budget to make sure all members of Congress go through secondary screening.

A question no one would have heard not that long ago. “I forgot my phone, can you please tell me what time it is?”

NY GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle this morning skydiving. Who does he think he is, part of the Yankees’ putative starting lineup?

Gonzaga is #1 in the AP men’s basketball poll today. There goes any hope they had of being the tournament’s Cinderella.

Really? Actual headline from this morning: “Kate Middleton Attends Wedding While Nearly Five Months Pregnant.” Shocking what some women are able to accomplish..

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: A little tacky but …  “Quoting Youngbloods, everybody try to love one another right now. Except for that witch blocking the grocery aisle with her cart.   Die, whore”

(I’m thinking the same on a few folks with 35 items in the Express Line.)

Yankees lose, Yankees lose, theee Yankees lose.

October 18, 2012

Who said money can’t buy happiness? I think a lot of Americans were very happy to see the Yankees’ ALCS performance.

At least the New York Yankees won’t be embarrassed anymore by only partially filling their ballpark this postseason.

So now there’s talk of A-Rod to the Marlins? Will he have an ESPN show to say he’s taking his current lack of talent to South Beach?

From T.C.  “One guy breaks the speed of sound last week plummeting back to earth.   So an entire team does it a week later.”


An Air Canada flight arriving into Sydney took a short detour and flew low to find a stranded Australian yacht. Wonder how much a U.S. airline would have billed the Aussies as a service fee for that?

(My father adds that “they flew down to 4000 feet and told the passengers to keep their eyes open as they circle. There was ecstasy among the passengers when they spotted it.  The US airlines would have charged the passengers an entertainment fee.”)

Love it. United Airlines sent me an email suggesting using their website to “find top Los Angeles hotels for your upcoming trip.” Uh, except the trip is down and back the same day.


Woo hoo. I am now so important to Mitt Romney he sent me a letter saying “with your gift of at least $5,000 you will be offered a dedicated Romney Victory Staff member who will stand ready to assist you with up-to-the-minute election information.” Cool, wonder if he’ll put me in a binder?

Scary. Honey Boo Boo has endorsed President Obama. Even scarier. With some voters this might help him.

Jerry Sandusky wants a new trial. The only new trial involving this case should be that of his wife.

Google’s stock plunged today after an earnings report they wanted to keep under wraps until after the market closed was released early. “Bummer of a privacy invasion” said absolutely nobody.

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband will not run again if he doesn’t win.   Promise?


September 29, 2012

CNN Headline today “Apple seems to have gotten a little bit lost.” Uh, that’s probably because they used their own Maps app.

Keegan Bradley and Phil Mickelson won a Ryder Cup match with a record tying 7 and 6 victory over Lee Westwood and Luke Donald. Prompting many Americans who heard the news to chant “USA, USA, USA – uh, I have no idea what a 7 and 6 victory means.”


In a statement today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that “fans deserve better.” Tell us about it, said Cleveland Browns fans.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said his estranged wife hasn’t read his tell-all book, but added “I think that Maria is, you know, wishing me well in everything I do.” Well, maybe UNTIL she reads the book.

How many people heard “Fox airs suicide live” and thought they were showing another Mitt Romney 47% speech?

TLC plans 3 new episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Great news for tv viewers who find “Keeping up w/ the Kardashians” too intellectual.

Karl Rove said this week of the Presidential campaign. “There are 11 different ways to win without Ohio.” True, and about 100 ways to lose.

Ben Affleck interviewed about his 7 year marriage to Jennifer Garner: “For a successful marriage, one, a man needs to know who the boss is, and two, he needs to know it’s not him.”

Bud Light has new “Limited Edition NFL Kickoff” cans. If you save one and display it on your mantle, you might be a Redneck.

The head coach of a Tustin, California children’s Peewee (10-11 year olds) football team has been suspended, along with the league president, after players allegedly were offered $50 in cash to knock opponents out of games. Shocking. What ever happened to rewards like doughnuts and Slurpees?.

Congrats to Homer Bailey on his no-hitter tonight. But the way the Pirates are playing should the game have an asterisk?

Replacement referees, weak 3.

September 24, 2012

What a country. I think many bad Supreme Court decisions have resulted in less outrage.

Jon Gruden, in the midst of his rant against replacement referees, said that “Green Bay shouldn’t have to fly 6,000 miles back home with a loss here”. 6,000 miles? Yeah, this ought to do wonders for the dumb jock image.

A thought about these replacement referees. If everyone in the NFL cares that much about getting it right, what was this billion dollar industry doing with part-time refs in the first place? (And yes, for non-football fans, the striking refs are contract employees, many with full-time other jobs.)

Drew Brees described the replacement refs in the Saints’ game Sunday as “horrendous.” Assuming Drew just got a friend request from Aaron Rodgers.

You cannot make this “stuff” up – – Mitt Romney on Ann’s plane scare last week: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”

An ex-Intel executive, who cooperated with investigators, escaped with a fine and probation for giving confidential info about his company to a New York hedge fund manager. Gosh, wonder if he had done something really bad, like sold an extra large soda?

A flight attendant for US Airways Express was caught with a loaded gun in her handbag at Philadelphia International Airport. Well, that’s one airline where passengers may now think twice about whining for a second drink.

Heath Bell, who lost the Marlins’ closer job, is complaining about Ozzie Guillen saying   “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth or doesn’t tell you face-to-face.” Wonder if Guillen’s response would be “It’s hard to respect a guy with a 5.19 ERA who’s converted 19 of 26 save opportunities.

Police said that renters moving into a home Sunday morning in Modesto, discovered a body. Yikes. Guessing someone won’t get their cleaning deposit back.

How times have changed. Next Sunday Arnold Schwarzenegger is appearing on “60 Minutes” to plug his new “tell-all” book. Remember the days when some were hoping to change the constitution so that Arnold could run for President?

Mitt Romney last night “We do provide care for people who don’t have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital….” Of course insurance for preventive care might have kept that heart attack from happening in the first place.

Kerri Walsh Jennings just revealed she was pregnant when she and her partner won their last Gold medal at the London Olympics. And may I join millions of women around the world in saying “Weaker sex, my ass.”

Imperfect storms.

August 29, 2012

In Rick Santorum’s speect at tonight’s GOP convention, he said that we should elect Mitt Romney as president in order to stop an “assault on marriage and family.”  Well, heck, if that’s his priority, why isn’t Santorum also pushing for a constitutional amendment against divorce?

Whatever the damages from Isaac end up being,  the storm is almost certain to raise gas prices. And former V.P. Dick Cheney said “See, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.”



Mitt Romney pollster Neil Newhouse “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.” Well, yeah, fact checkers use liberal commie-pinko stuff like math and science.

From Gary M.  “Mitt would attempt to cultivate a personality but thinks it would be too taxing.”


After tonight’s SF Giants web-gem.  A 5-5-6 foul pop up out recorded by Pablo Sandoval and Brandon Crawford,  seems pretty clear that the Giants are now the official MLB team of professional beach volleyball.

How does Mitt Romney expect to work with Congress if he can’t even work with Ron Paul delegates?

ESPN has announced a new MLB contract for the next eight years. Eight years?!! That’s got to be at least 500 Yankees-Red Sox games.

Mark Teixeira may be heading to the DL. Hmm, wonder which high-priced replacements might be available. Of course now the Yankees and Dodgers are like two rich women fighting over the last new Louis Vuitton handbag.

Chris Christie bashed California Governor Jerry Brown yesterday. He must be upset at all those folks fleeing the Golden State trying to sneak across the borders to New Jersey.

Down in Tampa, Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition is still supporting Todd Akin, and says he “would prefer Akin over any competitor in a political race.” Which gives Sheldon something in common with many Democrats.

If Hurricane Isaac causes less than expected damage to Louisiana how long will it take for Governor Bobby Jindal to stop asking for more federal government money and start complaining again  about excess federal  government spending?

Darwin award winner of the month: A Kalispell man was killed by cars that ran him over on the freeway, while, according to his friends, he was out there in a ghillie suit (3D military camouflage) attempting to provoke a Bigfoot sighting – to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.

Watching the hourly Isaac updates. Must say, in California we have our earthquakes but at least we don’t have to stress out for a week in advance anticipating them.


The rings are the thing?

August 16, 2012


An upcoming NY Magazine article apparently features this quote from Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa: “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.” Sounds like a couple who really deserves each other.


Vanessa Bryant also apparently has had some work done,but she denies it was because of Kobe. Might be true, Vanessa could be hoping to trade up to more (and more frequent) rings..


Arizona, bidding to take the “crazy” lead from Florida,  with an assist from Ohio:. State Sen. Lori Klein invited Ohio congressional candidate Samuel Wurzelbacher (“Joe the Plumber”) to speak at her fundraiser. Where he said the government  should “put a damn fence on the border going with Mexico and start shooting.



This year’s deficit, over $1.3 trillion. Mitt Romney says he will cut the $444 million a year the government spends on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which includes local stations and PBS. So I guess now “C is for Cookie Crumbs.”


“To circumvent (baseball’s PED) test is like taking candy from a baby. It’s easy to circumvent. I call it the ‘duck-and-dodge’ system. The only people that get caught are the dumb, and the dumber.” Victor Conte, quoted in USA Today.


Was at PNC Park in Pittsburgh today,  they introduce LA Dodgers lineup and no one even boos. What is with these people?

(and no, Todd Harris, it is NOT because the Dodgers are beloved.)


Sometimes a headline says all you need to know, like this one from “Girl who appeared on NBC’s Today after a ruckus over a flirty yearbook photo behaves badly at mother-daughter kegger.”


Over 100 FedEx workers were treated for exposure after a forklift accidentally punctured a barrel of concentrated chili peppers used to make pepper spray. Yikes. Let’s hope TSA doesn’t start categorizing Tabasco as a prohibited substance.




From T.C. in B.C.  – Canada achieved just 1 gold medal this Olympics.  Good news is there’s a Ontario Great Lakes Org attempting to get “Polluted Beach Volleyball” added to the 2016 events.

I don’t know, T.C. what about Beach Curling?





and a short op-ed from my friend Todd Harris, who is right about many things if not his baseball team.


“So the Dow is steadily over 13,000 for the first time in about four years. The housing market (at least in California) is rebounding. Unemployment is inching down. We have a system in place for health care for everyone. The auto industry has been restored and banks (deservedly or not) have been saved. The wars that were burning us four years ago are ramping down. And we have a smart, caring, relatable, and steady guy at the helm who respects the rights of everyone, particularly women and minorities. Oh, and he’s for renewable energy and affordable education for all. And we should trade this out because?”




Flame out

August 12, 2012

The Olympic flame has been extinguished in London.  Just about in time for many Americans to have  gotten through their first week of  Tevo’ed tape-delayed NBC coverage.

What a country. The Olympics closing ceremony was tonight in London, Mitt Romney spent his first weekend touring with his running mate Paul Ryan, an earthquake in Iran killed hundreds… and the most popular story on Jennifer Aniston is engaged.

Mitt Romney is already trying to distance himself from some of Paul Ryan’s proposals and statements. Which is going to be rough, Mitt is already working hard enough to distance himself from some of his own proposals and statements.

Since NBC has decided the best “prime time” is between 1130p and midnight, maybe they could move their fall coverage of Notre Dame football until then?

The man formerly known as Ochocinco, Chad Johnson, was arrested for domestic violence after an alleged argument with his wife when she found the receipt for a box of condoms. Shocking! An NFL player uses condoms?

If Paul Ryan really believes the way to fix Medicare is turning it into a program where seniors receive payments to buy their own health insurance, why doesn’t he advocate trying out his fix on a small, reasonably educated test group – like say, Congress?

You cannot make this stuff up. Romney aide Beth Myers, who ran the V.P. search, now is talking about the closely-guarded process. Since April, the campaign was compiling research documents on each potential candidate, including “several years” of tax returns.

Okay, here we go…. Lesson one on Paul Ryan, the man who wants to privatize Medicare and Social Security. He was only 16 when his dad died, but Ryan was able to pay for college at Miami of Ohio, using Social Security survivors’ benefits

Can anyone imagine what Jamaica sprinters would be like without the country’s number one non-performance enhancing drug?

And as the Olympics ended, didn’t watching Team USA in men’s basketball make you feel all warm and fuzzy and patriotic? Yeah, me neither.

So Obama’s mandate that employers offer birth control is “immoral”, and Catholic bishops said earlier this year that Ryan’s budget “fails to meet moral criteria.” This election may pose the toughest decision in memory for the church hierarchy, well not involving priests.

“Honey Badger” Tryann Mathieu is weighing options of FCS teams (where he can play after being kicked out of LSU.) Apparently Mathieu ruled out Southern because he wants to leave Baton Rouge. Makes sense, the cops all know him now.

Horsing around.

August 8, 2012

Mitt and Ann Romney’s horse “Rafalca” did not even advance to the individual finals in dressage. Who’s more disappointed? The Romneys? Or the Democrats, who were hoping for a photo op on the medal stand.

Any truth to the rumor that “Rafalca” is an African word for “tax write off?”

Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information.

Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid’s accusations about Mitt Romney’s taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama’s birth certificate?

First it was the trustees, now a group of former Penn State players has announced they are planning to appeal the sanctions against the football team. There’s clearly something in the water in State College’s river of denial.

This year for the first time the Nittany Lions will have names on the back of their football jerseys. Well, better than adding the Penn State name to the front.

The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That’s okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers…. Oops, wait, never mind. Rat b*stards.

Random Olympic thought. The “Fastest Man in the World” would still end up as lunch for a pack of cheetahs.

(Nice add from Peter Crapo,  “Only if he was running alone.”

If the S.F. Giants’ Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him.

Newt Gingrich will apparently not speak at the GOP convention.  Delegates are content with the decision.  Comedy writers,  on the other hand….

On the other side of the aisle,  Bill Clinton is speaking for the Democrats.  And Newt said “I think that will be a terrific opportunity for those of us who served with President Clinton to point out that Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton,”  Uh, except Gingrich as Speaker tried to IMPEACH Bill Clinton.

T.C. on Michael Phelps’ decision to leave swimming  “Michael Phelps says he’s has left the pool forever.  BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him?”

In the  “Olympic event most likely to cause lasting international repercussions” pool, who had the US vs. Canada  in women’s soccer?


July 10, 2012

“Well-stuffed”  – referring to the job San Francisco fans did with the ballot box.


That deafening silence you heard after the top of the All-Star game five run top of the first inning was coming from Mets fans who wanted Wright to start the All-Star game.

After tonight, SF Giants batters have to be petitioning MLB for permission to wear orange spikes during regular season.

Says Gary M.  “About 1/2-way through tonight’s All-Star game, Bryce Harper asked Melky Cabrera, “How much for those clown shoes, bro?”


Back to the regular season…. Phil Mickelson apparently part of a group planning to buy the San Diego Padres. Anyone ever told Phil that on a baseball diamond low scores are not necessarily a good thing?

If Giants fans had started stuffing the ballot box sooner the AL might not have had that seven game All-Star winning streak.


How long until the New York Yankees tell MLB Commissioner Bud Selig this All-Star game determining home field advantage stuff is not acceptable.


Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails….


United Airlines today announced that they will reinstate their San Francisco to Paris nonstop in April 2013. Tomorrow they will announce that all frequent flyer free and upgraded tickets on that route are full.



The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn’t remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can’t remember.

A yoga teacher with a cellphone ban in class was fired from Facebook after making an employee turn the phone off during one of her classes. Guess the employee just HAD to update her status to “I’m feeling really relaxed learning yoga.”


Texas Governor Rick Perry compared Medicaid to the Titanic. Interesting that Perry picked as a metaphor one of the only things in history that sunk faster than his Presidential campaign.


From Marc Ragovin:  Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth.

Coming soon, the TSA strip club?

May 8, 2012

The CIA apparently has thwarted a second airline underwear bomber. Let us all pray that doesn’t mean another item we need to remove at TSA checkpoints….

If they do start checking out underwear I see new career opportunities for some of those furloughed from the Secret Service.

Researchers at Duke University said that by 2030,  42% of Americans will be obese.  And most people who’ve been to Disneyland or U.S  beaches in the past couple years responded – wait, that many aren’t already?

A New Zealand study predicts that robot-human marriage is in our future. Who’d a thunk it? Ann Romney – trendsetter.

SF Giants have committed 33 errors, most in the majors. As the manager in Bull Durham said “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Is the 2012 team motto “Two out of three ain’t bad?”

Not a good day for the Giants all around.  As reliever Guillermo Mota was suspended 100 games for a banned substance.  Considering that his ERA is 5.06,  maybe Mota’s defense is that  with a 5.06 ERA whatever he was taking sure wasn’t performance enhancing.

Morning headline: “Stocks waver on Europe jitters.” This isn’t a stock market, it’s a financial remake of “Groundhog Day.”

Cole Hamels after he hit Bryce Harper “I was trying to hit him, I’m not going to deny it.” Forget being suspended for throwing at the rookie, Hamels should be suspended for being stupid enough to admit it. –

(The postscript, , MLB suspended Cole for five games. Which with the Phillies’ schedule means that Hamels will be back just in time for his next scheduled start. Yeah, that’ll teach him.)

The San Antonio Spurs swept the Utah Jazz in the first round of the playoffs. And this year for the Spurs has been their usual mix of team play, little media attention, and no tabloid drama. Are we sure they really are part of the NBA?

The South is different. Apparently a South Carolina driver was ticketed for “an obscene display” for having replica testicles on his bumper. Well, the state is so conservative I’m amazed they don’t consider an Obama bumpersticker an obscene display.

Following an April boycott initiated by the Catholic League, Delta Air Lines has pulled their sponsorship from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” Makes sense, with all the pilots they’d had arrested for DUI’s Delta needs passengers who pray a lot.

A new study indicates that people who have depression symptoms in middle age may be at increased risk of dementia decades later. Great, one more thing to be depressed about.

Former Saints lineman Anthony Hargove apparently said in his statement that he was told to “play dumb” about the bounty program. Telling an NFL player to play dumb? Now there’s a stretch.

This story from Kissimmee, Florida, not far from my high school – A 28 year old former teacher is being accused of having her 16-year-old student pulled out of class and then leading him to a closet to have sex. Once again, evidence of why we shouldn’t have heterosexuals allowed in the classroom.

Open note to the San Francisco Giants: To win a game it is generally advisable to score more runs than you commit errors.

John McCain said that the overriding reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate was her qualifications. And millions of voters said “Yikes, he’s older than we thought.”

Can you hear me now?

April 6, 2012

Jim Marshall, known as “The Father of Loud,” for inventing the Marshall amplifiers beloved by rock and roll guitarists, has died at the age of 88. What’s that you say? Can’t hear you……

Mitt Romney today accused President Obama of spending “too much time at Harvard.” Now, Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard Law School. But Mitt himself got a JD/MBA at Harvard….and it took him four years. Sounds like he’s picking up Rick Santorum’s disdain for math.

Not saying Masters’ galleries are white, but they look like they’ve just come from watching a GOP debate.

Overheard at the Masters – “Is that Tiger’s gallery, or a waitress convention?”

Mitt Romney says that Augusta should admit women members. Great. So who says the GOP is anti-female. At least Mitt supports the rights of rich women to pay $10,000 yearly dues to play golf.

In a Masters practice round, Martin Kaymar scored a hole in one by skipping it off the pond. It was the most impressive water feat at Augusta since Tiger used to walk on it.

A Los Angeles area woman was arrested for driving on a freeway while texting and holding her baby daughter in her lap, (along with having a two year old and four year old also in the car with no seat belts or carseats.) Presumably she was also listening to a CD by Britney Spears?

Van Gogh Vodka announced a new Peanut Butter and Jelly vodka. If James Bond wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

The Chicago Cubs blew a 1-0 lead in the 8th to lose their opener 2-1 to the Washington Nationals. Is it time to break out the “Wait until 2013” shirts?

Alex Rodriguez has started posting on Facebook. Presumably A-Rod just found out he could “like” his own posts.

Hmm, hope no one has an audio tape of our girls Powderpuff Football locker room meeting before the Juniors vs. Seniors game back at Lake Brantley High School in Florida. Remember very clearly the coach’s instructions to us girls playing defense “Explode, penetrate, KILL.”

Costa Cruise Line says their bookings are up this Easter compared to 2011. Makes some sense I guess, travelers are also flocking to Titanic anniversary cruises.

Rupert Murdoch’s UK Sky News says that their computer hacking was “in the public interest.” I think I like “I committed adultery because I felt so passionately about this country” better.

On the subject of the 49ers’ Kyle Williams “The thing is, he had four concussions, so our biggest thing, was to take him outta the game.” “We were just like ‘We gotta put a hit on that guy.'” Quotes from Bountygate? No, the New York Giants, bragging after their 2011 playoff game when Williams fumbled twice.

from my friend Gary Bachman: Data from the 1940 US Census has just been released to the public. To give you an indication how long ago that was, Barack Obama wasn’t yet born and Mitt Romney had yet to be built.

The GOP Primary winner – Are we there yet?

April 4, 2012

Production will begin this September on a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber.” The movie is again expected to star Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Either that or it will be a documentary about the GOP Presidential Primaries.

Mitt Romney picked up 16 delegates with a win in Washington, D.C. tonight. With a total of 3,122 votes. Not a typo. 3,122. Heck, the Nationals got that many fans when they were the Expos.

Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

Rick Santorum said today that he read that “7 or 8 of the California system of universities don’t even teach an American history course.” Uh, Rick, ALL the UCs and CSU campus teach and require U.S. History, espec for UCSF which is a med school.

So what’s more likely to happen – that Santorum apologizes. Or that he blames this all on the education system that taught him to read.

Sarah Palin on the Today show about Mitt Romney potentially getting the nomination “Anything is still possible. There can still be a bit of a shake-up. But the numbers are what the numbers are.” Palin sounds about as excited by Mitt as most GOP primary voters.

Another weird primary detail. Media reporting “Big win” for Romney in Wisconsin. But he got 42.5 % of vote to Santorum’s 37.7 %. With Paul,Gingrich, Bachmann and Huntsman also getting votes. Meaning 57.5 % of voters still said “Not Obama, but Anyone But Mitt.”

Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich had both compared themselves to Kansas last Sunday, after the Jayhawks’ surprising comeback against Ohio State. Did someone tell them that was only the NCAA semi-finals?

Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

Joe Flacco today told a Baltimore radio station that he believes he’s the “best” quarterback in the NFL. Quick, check that man for concussions.

Boston Red Sox closer Andrew Bailey will probably need surgery on his thumb, and Josh Beckett has also reported a thumb injury. When will they ever learn – get the ball boys to open your beer cans.

President Obama referred to the Republican House Budget as “Social Darwinism.” Given the views of most of the GOP field, this may be the first time this year “Republican” and “Darwinism” have been used in the same sentence.

Kentucky star Anthony Davis says he hasn’t decided about leaving the team for the NBA draft, saying he’s just going to “sit down with my coach, sit down with my family, see what the best decision is for me.”
When asked if there were particular classes he wanted to take, wonder if Davis responded “classes?”

For April Fool’s Day Air New Zealand offered a “StraightUp” airfare deal that promised “affordable domestic air travel” for anyone willing to use hand holds and stand in the aisle for the duration of the flight.” They’ve confessed the joke, but in the meantime several U.S. carriers started studying the idea.

Tornadoes are ripping through Texas. The winds are strong enough there are rumors that Rick Perry’s hair actually moved.

From comedy writing friend John Roman: A tornado is headed for DFW Airport, where it will probably be delayed for about 2 hours.

President Barack Obama says if President Ronald Reagan was running for president now, he “could not get through a Republican primary today.” Not to mention he’d be the intellectual in the race.

The Past is Gone…..

March 30, 2012

Because we cannot remember it?

Aerosmith is touring again. Not to say the band is getting old, but their opening song may be “Walker this way.”

Stanford 75 – Minnesota 51. Go figure. Not only was the Cardinal in the regular season not good enough to make the NCAA’s, they weren’t even close to the best Pac 12 team in the NIT.

Jeremy Lin now says he “absolutely” believes divine intervention was at work in creating “Lin-sanity.” Which s basically what Tim Tebow says about his own success last fall. So what’s up now? Is God scouting MLB spring training for His/Her next project?

Former Maryland coach Gary Williams told Washington radio station he thought the Kentucky Wildcats could beat the NBA’s Washington Wizards. Heck, these days the Washington Generals could beat the Washington Wizards.

For comedy-writers trying to write bipartisan jokes, happy days are here again – Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail. Today referring to community college president Dr. Terry Paper in Iowa as “Dr. Pepper.”

Millions of Americans are lining up to buy tickets for the $540 Mega Millions jackpot this Friday. Makes sense, these are the same people voting for politicians who promise lower taxes with zero cuts in services they care about.

Omar Vizquel, 44, has made the Blue Jays roster for 2012. Jamie Moyer is sending his congratulations, adding “Omar is such a hardworking young man.”


A company (J &D’s Foods) claims on their website that they are actually making a bacon coffin. “This genuine bacon casket is made of 18 Gauge Gasketed Steel with Premium Bacon Exterior/Interior.” Makes a certain amount of sense – be buried in what put you in the ground in the first place.

A 29 year-old man was caught at Philadelphia Airport with fireworks in his carryon bag. Apparently it was determined he is not a terrorist. But wonder if they charged him with felony stupidity.

The Donald, presumably bored with 2012, is predicting the next Democratic presidential primary, and saying “Hillary Clinton, I think, is a terrific woman. I just like her. I like her and I like her husband.” Is he angling for Clinton-Trump 2016?


One problem facing Americans today is that it’s hard to tell the real news from the satire. (As in, is it the mainstream media, or the Onion?)

The Marlins just released Aaron Rowand. Which means he’ll be getting about as many big hits for Miami as he did last year for the San Francisco Giants.

Newt Gingrich apparently met secretly with Mitt Romney on Saturday. It could have been to talk about the race. Or maybe since Newt has been married now to his third wife Callista for 12 years, he just missed having secret meetings.

“I’ll be here all week, try the truffle and caviar topped veal…”

March 29, 2012

Yep, he’s a laugh a minute. Mitt Romney has moved on to Wisconsin, where he told anecdotes to a crowd, saying “One of the most humorous I think relates to my father….” The story was about his dad closing a factory….

Arlen Specter said today “Bill [Maher] had it exactly right; he said that Mitt Romney has changed positions more often than a pornographic movie queen.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology – from porn movie queens.

Matt Kemp, on the sale of his team to a group led by Magic Johnson – “This is a pretty good day for the Dodgers.” True enough, but isn’t any day that gets Frank McCourt out of the owner’s box a “pretty good day for the Dodgers?”

Unreal, Frank McCourt almost destroys a once-proud Dodgers franchise, and walks away with several hundred million dollars. What’s next? Someone will hire him to run an airline?

Dwayne Wade is apparently writing a book on fatherhood, and said “For me, it was therapeutic to do this.” Impressive in this “one and done” age for NBA players. Not only that Wade can write a book, but that he knows the word “therapeutic.”

In case you missed opening night (late night), by the time you read this, you’ve probably already also missed the 2nd game of the 2012 MLB Baseball season was televised live March 29 on MLB Network and MLB.TV with no blackout restrictions. At 2:00am Pacific Time. Thank you Bud Selig.

Justice Scalia to Paul Clement, the lawyer arguing against “Obamacare” – “Is there any chance at all that 26 States opposing it have Republican governors and all of the states supporting it have Democratic governors? Is that possible?” Wonder if Scalia next asked if there was gambling in Casablanca?

Bill Parcells, on the possible interim Saints coaching job: “Sean’s become a dear, dear friend. I’m trying to be a friend. If he needs me and the owner and GM feel the same way, then I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t consider it.” That and the Saints may be able to give him several million more reasons.

One question after Romney’s latest “did he say that?” moment, i.e. telling a “humorous story” about his father closing a factory. So where does Mitt find his speechwriters?

Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated has made his predictions for the 2012 MLB season and he has the New York Mets in last place in the NL East with a 75-87 record. Longtime New York fans are shocked – Verducci actually thinks the Mets will win 75 games?

It’s official, there will be an “Anchorman 2” starring Will Ferrell. I don’t know how to put this but I guess that’s kind of a big deal.

From Marc Ragovin: New Jet Blue Slogan. “We’re Crazy About Flying.”

Not In Tournament.

March 28, 2012

The NIT men’s tournament final will feature Minnesota against Stanford. If Stanford, generally considered the most academically-oriented team in this years tournament wins, will they be known as the “NIT-Wits?”

Newt Gingrich is laying off about 1/3 of his staff. And no doubt he will blame the resulting unemployment increase on Obama.

Does the men’s basketball NIT trophy have an image on it of a big fish in a very small pond?

When Mitt Romney remodels his California beach house, he plans to install a separate car elevator. Will the elevator have room for dog crates on the roof?

On the Tonight Show Tuesday Mitt Romney referred to Chris Christie as “indomitable” Many skeptical GOP primary voters commented, “See, how do you expect us to support someone who uses all those fancy foreign words?”

As we approach the Final Four, many outside the state may not realize just how much Louisville and U. Kentucky hate each other. In fact, there hasn’t been so much animosity in Kentucky since two brothers both wanted to marry their same sister.

In Dubai, they now have an “emergency pizza button.” It’s an electronic fridge magnet that you press that uses your smart phone’s bluetooth connection to send your regular order to your regular pizza place. Uh, two things, one, wouldn’t programming the number into your phone be as effective and, two, this sounds so lazy are we sure it wasn’t invented by an American?

Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons, has come out in support of the NFL’s penalties for the New Orleans Saints, saying “I think he (Goodell) dealt with it appropriately.” Translation, the Falcons didn’t have bounties, and if we did, the records have been expunged.

The province of Ontario, Canada, just legalized brothels. In related news, a lot of free agent players just added the Raptors and Blue Jays to their lists.

The International Volleyball Federation says it will allow women beach volleyball players to wear shorts and sleeved tops instead of bikinis at the London Olympics. That crashing sound you just heard was advertising rates based on potential viewership falling through the floor.

Sarah Palin’s comment about Rick Santorum’s swearing at that (sic)”liberal, leftist, in-the-tank-for-Obama press character.” : “It was good, and it was strong, and it was about time.” As usual Sarah, class, nothing but class.

Okay San Francisco Giants fans, a friend reports that Aaron Rowand is batting 6-45 (.133) for FLA. It’s still spring training but sounds like Rowand is already in midseason form.

Frank McCourt has agreed to sell the Los Angeles Dodgers to a group led by Magic Johnson for $2 billion. McCourt bought the team for $430 million in 2004, so even after running the team into the ground, incurring debt, a messy divorce,,paying lawyers….the guy will make several hundred million dollars. And according to the GOP Presidential candidates, he still needs a tax cut.


March 10, 2012

Last month a toddler got her entire family kicked off a JetBlue flight because she was throwing a tantrum and wouldn’t fasten her seat belt. The child’s mother said ” I would probably try to avoid JetBlue in the future.” Hearing the story, about a million other people said “How can I start flying JetBlue in future?

Television cameras followed Peyton Manning’s visit to Denver, tracking both the private plane the team sent and the SUV that took him to meet with John Elway at headquarters. If Manning signs this may become the second most famous chase involving a white Bronco.

Linebacker D.J. Williams, one of three Denver Broncos suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy, is claiming his sample was mishandled and compromised. So after Ryan Braun got off on the same technicality, the winning pick for those in the “next to try that excuse” pool is 12 days.

Mitt Romney today in Alabama, I’m ‘kinda’ a politician. As in I’ll be whatever kind a you want me to be.

Friend sent me this one, I didn’t write it but…

“A liberal, a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar and the Bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. Romney?”

According to the L.A. Times, Mary Brown, the lead plaintiff in the legal case against the Affordable Care Act filed for bankruptcy due to her uninsured husband’s medical debts. And she is still against Obama Care. Sure, why force Americans to buy insurance when they can just walk away from their debt with bankruptcy?

The U.S. economy added 227,000 jobs in February. Wow. Considering that this weekend is March Madness selection Sunday, that’s probably over 100,000 new employees neglecting their work next week.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet” dept: Facebook suggested 2 women might want to be friends, as they were “mutual friends” with a Tacoma, WA man. Turns out they were both married to him. (The man has been charged with bigamy with possible 1 year jail sentence. Which might be more pleasant now than being at either home.)

“Big Bang Theory” star Kunal Nayyar married a former Miss India in Delhi in a wedding celebration that lasted over six days. Let’s hope the Kardashians don’t find out about this, Kim’s next wedding could last longer than her next marriage.

Campaigning in Mississippi, Mitt Romney told a crowd that “I am learning to say y’all, and I like grits and things.” What’s next, saying that on his next family vacation he will put a Confederate flag on the dog carrier on the roof of his car?

In Alabama, Mitt Romney is cheerfully rtalking about his new fondness for grits. (This morning he said he had “cheesy grits” for breakfast.) Shame he’s not traveling to Hawaii for their primary Tuesday. I’d love to hear Mitt say he loves poi with a straight face.

Illinois fired Bruce Weber Friday, after the Illini posted a 17-15 record this season. And Washington Wizards fans said “What, the school has something against overachievers?”

The Washington Redskins have apparently agreed to trade three first-round draft picks and a second round pick to the St. Louis Rams in exchange for the second pick in this year’s draft. In related news, Robert Griffin III has just asked Baylor if it’s too late to return for his final year of eligibility.

Gentlemen, start your speeches.

February 27, 2012

Nothing like watching the Oscar Red Carpet to remind us that money absolutely cannot buy taste.

Jean Dujardin won the Oscar Sunday night for Best Actor. He’s the first French-born actor to win an Academy Award. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate to blame it on President Obama.

And men wonder why women drool over George Clooney, reason #2456. He just told a reporter he was up at 2am trying to decide what tux to wear.

Okay, now that Christopher Plummer has won for best supporting actor, how many producers are lining up to get Julie Andrews as a character actress in their films? Could be “Something good.”

Did Meryl Streep tonight pay homage to Christopher Plummer’s former co-star Julie Andrews? Looks like she too fashioned a dress out of curtains.

Jennifer Lopez tried to win the award for the best two presenters of the night.

The Daytona 500 was originally delayed until Sunday night, but was postponed until Monday at 12n. Thereby saving at least a few marriages from remote control wars between the race and the Oscars.. (And yes, both Daytona and the Academy Awards do prompt the response at times “Aren’t they close to done yet?”)

At Daytona, officials originally frantically tried to dry the track in time to run the 500 today. Shame the Florida primary is over. They could have done the job twice as fast with all that hot air going around.

So many disappointments in tonight’s Oscars. Poor Mitt Romney, snubbed both for his roles as potential best performance as an actor as a moderate, and best performance as an actor as a conservative.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced she will not attend the President’s dinner Sunday night for all the U.S. governors. Barack Obama hasn’t been this “disappointed” since Joe Biden last got pre-speech laryngitis.

Oh yeah, and there was an NBA All-Star game Sunday night .Almost as meaningful as the rest of the NBA season.

So many casual movie fans tonight had to wonder – was Martin Scorsese with his girlfriend tonight or his granddaughter? (Neither, turns out to be his daughter.)

The scandal involving Bill Lockyer’s wife Nadia is too complicated to explain in a single post (extra-marital affair, alleged assault drugs, sex tape… google it if you are prepared to shower afterwards) The only good thing – at least Californians didn’t elect him Governor.

(okay, two good things, as my friend Michael Santos said, “at least the tape didn’t feature Bill.)

Rick Santorum said today that the separation of church and state “makes me want to throw up.” And if they’re watching in Heaven, Thomas Jefferson is thinking “Rick Santorum makes me want to throw up.”

Mitt Romney defends his statement about his wife’s two Cadillacs by saying that “If people think that there is something wrong for being successful, they should vote for the other guy.” I don’t think anyone thinks there’s something wrong with it, but some of us think if you’re that successful you don’t need another tax cut.

Happy Groundhog Day

February 2, 2012

Punxsutawney Phil woke up early this morning, saw Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney going at it, and immediately buried himself back in his burrow.

Actually Phil reportedly was a Donald Trump supporter. The groundhog believes that furry thing that lives on the Donald’s head just might be a relative.

Susan G. Komen for the Cure just cut all its funding to Planned Parenthood for breast health screenings, after pressure from anti-choice groups. Maybe they should change the color of their pink ribbon to yellow.

February 1 was “National Signing Day.” (When high school players formally commit to colleges for football.) I think ESPN has created more days and events than Hallmark.

Tackle Andrus Peat, a “five-star recruit”, today decided on Stanford over previously favored Nebraska. Cardinal coach David Shaw said his and his staff’s reaction “was heard many places around the building.” One would guess the reaction in Lincoln, NE was also heard in many places….

A new bill, introduced by Florida Rep. State Sen. Michael Bennett tries to enforce a unused 1988 law that says any sports teams that accept public dollars to build their stadiums must shelter poor people on off nights. Off nights? The Tampa Bay Rays have space when they are playing.

A bronze replica of Ted Williams is being moved from Fenway Park down to the Red Sox Spring Training facility in Florida? No confirmation of rumors that to save shipping costs the team was originally planning just to move Ted’s head.

Rumor has it that Donald Trump will endorse Newt Gingrich tomorrow. Makes some sense. How often does Trump get to stand on a stage with someone who makes him look like a good husband with a healthy ego?

Awful story out of Egypt with over 70 people killed at a soccer match. Americans are stunned. They can’t imagine 70 people showing up to watch soccer.

MSN wonders about the effect of what they call Romney’s “gaffe”: “I’m not concerned about the very poor” will have in the election. “Gaffe?” Might be one of the most honest sentences he’s ever spoken.

NY Giants DE Osi Umenyiora was fined $20,000 on Wednesday for skipping a mandatory media session at the Super Bowl. $20,000? A lot of NFL players may just start considering this a tax for an extra hour or two of freedom.

(As my friend Blll Dwan says, considering that this fine is about double that of a helmet-to-helmet hit, the incident does point up the NFL’s priorities.)

Mitt Romney on Wednesday during a CNN interview that he’s “not concerned about the very poor” because they have an “ample safety net” (Either that or they can’t afford to get to the polls.)

Many pundits are saying that Romney’s win in Florida will give him the nomination. Really, that much importance for a state where most of the residents can’t even figure out when to turn their left-turn blinkers on and off?

Statement from the Susan G. Komen Foundation: “We regret that these new policies have impacted some longstanding grantees, such as Planned Parenthood, but want to be absolutely clear that our grant-making decisions are not about politics.” I think I like “fell into the lifeboat” better.


January 26, 2012

While campaigning in Florida, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that Barack Obama’s SOTU address was “detached from reality.” Only in America can a man who makes $10,000 bets in a debate, and talks about being unemployed while making $21 million a year, accuse someone else about being “detached from reality.”

In Florida, Newt Gingrich said today that as President he would make sure the U.S. has a permanent moon base by the end of his second term. What’s more of a pipe dream? A base on the moon? Or a Gingrich second term?

(Alex Schubert says “a Gingrich first term?”)

Frank McCourt has indicated he has already received over 20 bids, many of them with multiple potential investors, for the Los Angeles Dodgers. At this point the team may have more potential buyers than they have fans in the stands after the 7th inning.

In a January 14 conversation with a friend wiretapped by Italian authorities, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino says, “I don’t ever want to go back on ship.” I think that can be arranged.

Costa Captain Schettino’s wife apparently is standing by her man and defending him in an interview she gave to the magazine “Paris Match.” Sounds like someone got the number of Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.

Terrell Owens said in a GQ interview that he’s nearly broke and “in Hell.” And the worst thing – there’s no quarterback he can currently blame it on.

One thing that bothers many Americans about Mitt Romney’s tax returns is with the investment income he is now making all that money while currently doing nothing productive. Sort of like Barry Zito.

Tim Lincecum signed with the SF Giants for $40.50 million for two years. Which means two years from now the Giants will either be idiots for not having locked him up longer, or brilliant for not getting into another Zito-like contract.

Michele Bachmann announced today she will seek re-election to the House. And it was Jon Stewart’s turn to Tebow.

Newt Gingrich told an interviewer for the Christian Broadcasting Network that Evangelicals like him because his affairs make him “more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect.” And Bill Clinton said “Why didn’t I think of that?”

In his response to the State of the Union, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels complained about Obama’s wasteful spending. Guess he feels the President hasn’t done enough to reverse the deficit explosion from George W.’s administration, when Bush’s budget director was… Mitch Daniels.