Posted tagged ‘Oscars jokes’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page

And the nominees are….

January 25, 2017

Oscar nominations are out & least this year #OscarsnotsoWhite. Alas, instead, we have #WhiteHousesoWhite

 

And here we go again with Oscar snubs, but to be fair, the Brooklyn Nets haven’t done a great job of acting like a professional NBA team.

–

So did Meryl Streep really get her 20th Oscar nomination for Florence Foster Jenkins…. or because the Academy really wants to see her take another shot at Donald Trump?

 

These Sean Spicer press conferences making Americans look forward to serious deep analysis of Super Bowl media week.

–

Some controversy over Steve Kerr saying that NBA players made a “mockery” of All-Star voting. And really, who did they think they are – fans?

–

Philip Rivers was added to the Pro Bowl today and says he looks forward to the opportunity to play one more game as a San Diego Charger.
Guessing it will also be an opportunity for Rivers to get used to the size and enthusiasm of the crowds the Chargers will play in front of in Los Angeles

–

SF 49ers have announced they are freezing season-ticket prices for the next two seasons. Wonder how many fans are holding out until the team starts paying THEM?

–

President Trump is hanging a panoramic photo of his Inauguration Day in the press room at the White House; the picture was was taken from an angle showing a good-sized crowd. This was all more fun when he was just concerned about the size of hands.

 

Imagine if after game 7 champion wins Lebron James or Joe Maddon immediately started claiming cheating officials kept Cavs & Cubs from 4-0 sweeps.

–

The anti-narcissist: After Toronto Raptors coach Dwane Casey said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was “the best in sports,” Pop’s reply “That’s very flattering but obviously untrue. I’ve been around a long time and we’ve won some games, and if you’ve forgotten, I got to coach Tim Duncan. That made me look pretty good.”

–

f Democrats really managed to get 3 million illegals to vote wouldn’t they have bused in some in to WI, MI, FL or PA?

 

3-5 million voted illegally? Well, WI & MI are near Canada, NC & FL are coastal. Time to investigate potential foreign Trump voters?

–

Trump says he’s going to “send in the Feds” if the “carnage” in Chicago doesn’t stop. Yeah, that worked so well at Kent State.

–

Donald Trump is going to block all visas into the U.S. for peoole from Iraq. Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen, in theory to stop terrorists. Not that history, even recent history, is Trump’s strong point. But did he forget about France, England, Belgium, Turkey and oh yeah, Saudi Arabia?

Advertisement

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

And the winner is….

March 1, 2016

Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the ‪#‎oscarssowhite‬ boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.

–

 

One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?

–

Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”

 

A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.

 

–

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.

–

 

As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.

–

 

Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.

–

 

Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?

–

 

A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.

–

A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING.  ‪#‎notsosorry‬

–

Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.

–

After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. ‪#‎lawofunintendedconsequences‬

 

–

Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.

–

John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. ‪#‎howlowcanyougo‬?

 

 

 

From T.C.  in response to my comment about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”

Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Fuzzy math

February 29, 2016

Why numbers can lie., or at least be deceptive: The movie that won the most ‪#‎Oscars‬ tonight was ‪#‎MadMaxFuryRoad‬

–

But it was all very confusing.  Jennifer Garner described  Mad Max Fury road as the Best Picture nominee where “civilization has collapsed & the world has become a toxic wasteland.”  Shouldn’t that have been “The Big Short?”

–

Forget the election, tonight with the Oscars the scariest thing in Hollywood for many was  ‪#‎ChrisRock‬ will say about them.   ‪#‎OscarsSoWhite

–

 

Baltimore Orioles CF Adam Jones says the team has banned smashing pies in teammates’ faces for celebrations, saying it’s for safety reasons. ‪#‎whenpiesareoutlawedonlyoutlawswillhavepies‬

–

 

After that climate change speech who will be the  1st ‪#‎GOP‬ presidential candidate to say ‪#‎LeonardoDiCaprio‬ should have been eaten by that bear?

–

So the woman who wins for best costume design shows up looking like she overslept and ran out the door with first thing she found? ‪#‎Oscars‬

–

Alicia Vikander, nominated for Best Supporting Actress, said on the Oscars red carpet that she “hopes she doesn’t get too drunk.” Does Alicia think she’s at the Golden Globes. Or did she bring a flask?

–

In Florida, three 12 year-old girls were arrested and taken into custody for allegedly putting pepper flakes their teacher’s soda. They face FELONY poisoning charges. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

–

Meg Whitman just  called Donald Trump “unfit to be president,” and a “dangerous demagogue.” Expecting Trump to come out with variations on his Carly Fiorina slams in 3.2.1….

–

NY Senator Chuck Schumer is adding an amendment to the FAA Reauthorization Bill, which would mandate minimum airline seat size. Not sure what the Presidential candidates will say, pretty sure it’s been a while since most of them have been on a commercial jet.

–

Biggest snub of the night: Not even an ‪#‎Oscars‬ nomination for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

–

Two days ago Nikki Haley said she’d support Trump if he is the nominee, today she told George Stephanopoulos, “Donald Trump is everything we hear and teach our kids not to do in kindergarten.”
If this keeps up the Dems won’t have to write any of their general election campaign commercials.

 

 

So not sure what’s scarier with Trump. The idea that he didn’t know who David Duke was? Or the idea that he does know, and doesn’t want to lose a single Duke/KKK supporter?

 

From Ben , after the GOP’s latest slug fest Thursday:   “Tonight we saw another spirited debate between the most diverse and well-qualified group of presidential candidates in history.” — Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee
Apparently, Reince has no problems with legalized marijuana.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Birdbrains?

January 20, 2016

#‎SarahPalin‬ has endorsed ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬. Well, narcissists of a feather…..

–

Or maybe Palin just likes Trump’s style, between his bankruptcies and divorces, Donald has does a fair share of quitting himself.

–

Not that I am a fan of the Patriots nor their QB, but Broncos DE Antonio Smith says Brady’s a crybaby because “I’ve never seen any quarterback look to the referee right after he gets sacked.more” So instead of Brady whining to the ref, Smith is whining to the media? ‪#‎potmeetkettle‬

–

 

So forecasters are predicting a major storm MIGHT dump over a foot of snow on the East Coast. Or it might not . “Depending on where this tracks, we could see a ton of snow or we could see nothing,” said National Weather Service Kevin Kacan.
But why let possibilities get in the way of a good media panic-fest?

–

Airline brilliance in action: Have a client on an American flight, at airport hours early, wide-open earlier flight, and they say $75 to get on it. Whereas the flight he is on, with a decent seat, is more full, and has no aisles left, so they could at least resell the seat assignment. And these carriers wonder why people hate them.

–

Sarah Palin’s 26-year-old divorced son Track was arrested last night for allegedly punching and kicking his girlfriend, while apparently waving a gun around. ‪#‎familyvalues‬ ‪#‎ifonlySHEwerearmed‬

–

Donald Trump seems unconcerned about his referring to a line from the bible as “Two Corinthians” rather than “Second Corinthians.” Although it does seem with Trumps followers that he could say Jesus married Mary Magdalene and they’d shrug it off too.

–

More on the Donald’s and his Corinthians (“Two”vs. “Second”). You would think that someone who has been married as often as Trump would remember how it goes. Because “First Corinthians” is quoted at so many weddings “Love is patient, love is kind…

–

The President of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences says she is “heartbroken and frustrated” about this year’s nominees, and they will “dramatic steps to alter the makeup of our membership.” So it just occurred to them that 94% Caucasian and 77% male with an average age of 62 isn’t great for diversity?

–

Okay, now ‪#‎affluenza‬ teen Ethan Couch’s lawyer is claiming his client may have been taken “involuntarily to Mexico.” Right, as if that young man would pay attention to any adult, including his mother.

 

 

The password management company SplashData has come up with a list of the most popular passwords. Numbers 1-6 are, in order, 123456, password, 12345678, qwerty, 12345, and 123456789.

Thinking if you have any of those, you’re eligible for the hacking equivalent of a Darwin award.

 

An Italian surgeon is seeking donations to perform the world’s first ever human head transplant. No shortage of opportunities no doubt for head volunteers – based on some recent polls seems certain a lot of Americans aren’t using theirs.

–

Although, whatever you think of this election it will be a very nice change when the front-runners are actually decided by actual VOTES, as opposed to polls. For what it’s worth, in both England and Canada’s recent elections pollsters were badly wrong. And for that matter, they didn’t do that well on last fall’s U.S. elections either.

 

Categories: airline jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

The name game?

February 24, 2015

The Atlanta Braves’ B.J. Upton now wants to be known as Melvin Upton, Jr. Talk about a player to be named later.

–

Yep, cigarettes can kill you. But usually not this quickly. A man driving along the Columbia River in Oregon stopped to smoke and take a selfie while a train passed. He didn’t see another train coming from the other direction. ‪#‎Darwinawardoftheweek‬

–

It’s really a shame we don’t have Joan Rivers around to dish on how tacky it was to exclude her from the “In Memoriam” Oscars segment.

–

Okay, so maybe you shouldn’t bring your mom as your Oscar date when you’ve just starred in a soft-core porn flick. But just imagine how awkward the interview might have been if instead of bringing Melanie Griffith, Dakota Johnson had brought her father….

–

The Oscar ratings fell to a four-year low last night. Not sure what the Academy could do about the trend. Maybe something heretical like nominate more movies people have actually seen?

–

So we’re looking at a Homeland Security Department shutdown because the GOP is trying to tie a funding bill to a rollback of Obama’s executive actions on immigration. So where’s Giuliani’s rant on ‘loving your country” now?

–

Kristi Capel,, a Fox news anchor in Ohio referred to Lady Gaga’s performance as “jigaboo” music, and then in her apology said “I had no idea it was a word or what it meant. ” Uh, Kristi, here’s a hint, if you don’t know what a word means, don’t use it.

 

New MLB commissioner Rob Manfred has said a return to a 154 game schedule is “not impossible.” And ESPN responded “As long as it doesn’t cut down on Yankees-Red Sox games.”

 

KC ‪#‎Royals‬ manager Ned Yost: “I think without Madison we would be champions.” ‪#‎ThatswhytheycallittheMVPaward‬

–

Phil Jackson actually called out his Knicks team on Twitter last night. What’s more surprising. That the Knicks are this bad, or that Jackson knows how to use Twitter?

 

Louisville dismissed men’s basketball starting guard Chris Jones after campus police released a report that says he texted a woman who had “messed up his room” that he would “smack TF out of” her.” So maybe Jones is violent, maybe he isn’t. But if nothing else the man should be dismissed for being stupid enough to put a threat in a text.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Lies and omissions.

February 23, 2015

Many of my generation asked “Who’s Lady Gaga?” Many of her generation asked “What’s ‘The Sound of Music.;”? And both generations tonight were probably pleasantly surprised.

–

And the ‪#‎Oscar‬ for best use of tape goes, again, to Jennifer Lopez.

–

So there have apparently been major protests outside the Oscars over the exclusion of “Selma.” But hey, the Academy is 92% white, 77% male, and average age 62. ‪#‎whatdidweexpect‬ ‪#‎itsallabouttheclothesanyway‬

 –

Julianne Moore wins a well-deserved Best Actress for “Still Alice.” And many of her contemporaries are thinking. Well, except for that better performance, if we could remember who she was….

 

So the Academy decides to make up for leaving ‪#‎Selma‬ out of major awards by taking Oscar for “Best Song” away from the heartbreaking “I’m not going to miss you” by Alzheimer’s patient Glen Campbell. ‪#‎fiftyshadesofguilt‬

 –

Neil Patrick Harris is better than most hosts. But once again recall the great Johnny Carson, who noted that tonight we celebrate movies. By having millions of people watching the Oscars. And a few thousand for some reason tonight still in movie theaters.

–

So how did Rudy Giuliani not get nominated for his performance as a politician struggling to pretend he is still relevant? ‪

–

 

For that matter, how about the Knicks being nominated for best performance pretending to be an NBA team?

–

 

A video purporting to be from an Al-Qaida linked group in Somalia calls for attacks on shopping malls and singles out Minnesota’s Mall of America. I can hear men now “Of course I’m not against shopping with you or having you go shopping alone. I just want you to be safe.”

–

Most Americans who watch the ‪#‎Daytona500‬ do so for the same reason we watch reality TV. We like watching wrecks.

  –

Turned on car radio this afternoon  and KNBR has the Daytona 500. NASCAR racing on radio?! ‪#‎andtheysaybaseballisboring

–

The cold wave has even spread to the Lone Star state. The Dallas area is expecting 2 inches of sleet in the next two days. Cue the “Hell freezing over jokes.”

–

As ‪#‎Giuliani‬ keeps doubling down on anti-Obama comments, how long until even Sarah Palin accuses Rudy of being an irrelevant media whore?

–

Interesting that many of these Republicans who are accusing of President Obama of not loving America because he isn’t 100% uncritical of the country, are also the same ones who rail against the “everybody gets a trophy”, uncritical parents who believe the children they love can do no wrong.

–

Ronna Romney McDaniel, 41, Mitt Romney’s niece, was chosen as chair of the Michigan GOP. So is this the first step towards Ronna’s running against Chelsea Clinton for President in 2032?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

And the winner should have been….

February 22, 2015

Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.

–

As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?

–

Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

–

Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.

–

On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.

–

 

Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.

–

American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels.   So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?

–

Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?

–

Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.

–

A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?

–

Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. ‪#‎doublingdownonstupid‬

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Below expectations?

January 18, 2015

The bleachers at Wrigley Field won’t be ready by Opening Day, and due to renovations will be closed at least all of April, and possibly May.   Longtime Cubs bleacher bums are upset, they already know they’ll miss October.

–

Yes, the Oscars this year are very white. But while we’re screaming about lack of diversity, once again, where are the nominees for comic movies and “chick flicks”? ‪#‎grumpyoldacademymen

 

The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have announced a 50th anniversary reunion show this July. Good news for many of those who saw the band in its “smoky” heyday. It will be an actual concert they can remember.

–

Jennifer Aniston, being asked again about a rivalry with Angelina Jolie. “I think it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness.” What, and put all those tabloid writers out of business?

 

President Obama apparently will propose raising the capital gains tax on on couples making more than $500,000 per year to 28 percent, the same level as under Reagan. Have to wonder how many younger GOP legislators are thinking “yeah, that commie pinko… oh wait, never mind.”

–

 

The Power 5 NCAA conferences approved a measure 79-1 saying that schools must pay athletes a stipend (a few thousand a year) to cover the actual cost of attendance besides room, board and books. One ACC school dissented. Wonder if it was FSU. That stipend probably wouldn’t cover crab legs.

–

Meanwhile, the University of California will tie pay for newly hired coaches and athletic directors to their athletes’ performance in the classroom. Which is a good thing. Unless it means more athletes majoring in underwater basket weaving.

–

According to the NY Times, a U.S congressional delegation is in Havana this weekend to meet with Cuban officials “to discuss greater cooperation and remaining areas of disagreement.” And maybe to do a little cigar shopping.

–

Bill Cosby’s lawyer says he has proof the comedian was not in Los Angeles the night a model accuses him of drugging and sexually assaulting her at the Playboy Mansion. If true, that’s one “she said” down, and about 99 to go.

–

Fox is considering bringing back “24” without Kiefer Sutherland/Jack Bauer. ‪#‎whatsthepoint‬

 

Free pass on the bus to hell for my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  “‘There’s an easier way.’ – Bill Cosby to Greg Anthony”

 

The Colts’ Trent Richardson didn’t travel with his team to Sunday’s AFC championship game against the Patriots because of “personal reasons” As in “personally” everyone else on the team is sick of him?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Testing, testing….

January 17, 2015

In Arizona, high school seniors will have to pass a 100 question civics test to graduate from high school. Wonder how many legislators could pass it.

 

Not to say the mostly old white male voters in the Academy don’t get it, but when the uproar began about this year’s Oscars being too white, they suggested giving all nominees a gift certificate to a tanning salon.

 

–

Now that the Supreme Court is going to rule on the subject, am sure advocates of same-sex marriage have to feel confident about Clarence Thomas’s vote. Since his marriage to a white woman would have been against the law in some states until the Court ruled miscegenation laws unconstitutional in 1967.

–

New Oakland Raiders coach Jack Del Rio was optimistic in a press conference today but said the team needs “some work.” Yep, like Joan Rivers had had “some work” done.

 

#‎NBC‬ says they won’t work with ‪#‎BillCosby‬ again. Which would be big news, if anyone still watched NBC.

–

Urban Meyer on the Late Show talked about how J.T. Barrett “broke his ankle against the team up north.” Letterman asked “When you say ‘team up north?’” Meyer replied “That’s our rival. Can’t say the word.” Right, and some wonder how kids get the idea that there’s no life outside football.

–

Is no sport sacred? Former world champion Carolina Kostner of Italy has been banned for 16 months for a doping case involving her ex-boyfriend, Olympic race walking gold medalist Alex Schwazer. It’s all enough to make you long for the purity of professional wrestling.

–

Randy Johnson has announced that he will go into the Hall of Fame wearing an Arizona Diamondbacks cap. So guess those 7 months he was with the SF Giants didn’t mean that much to him?

–

John Boehner is using 13 gifs of Taylor Swift to take President Obama’s plan to offer free community college tuition. Who knew the Speaker knew what a “gif” was? Who knew the Speaker knew who Taylor Swift was?

–

Just wondering, what would happen if terrorists threatened the creators of “South Park”? Would the people who are getting hysterical over Obama not going to Paris also say the President should strongly defend their right to cartoon free speech?

–

Amnesty International reported Saudi authorities today postponed the second round of public flogging of a blogger sentenced to 1,000 lashes for insulting Islam. Only because a doctor said the wounds from the first hadn’t healed and “he would not be able to withstand another round of lashes at this time.” The floggings will thus resume late – he still has 950 lashes to go.

It’s okay though, Saudi officials marched in the Paris demonstration last week.

–

 

After having 20 debates before the 2012 election, the Republican National Committee has cut the 2016 Presidential debates down to nine. Great news for Rick Perry, whose theory is “the smaller the better” when it comes to numbers.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Lost in Translation.

March 4, 2014

It’s not just tourists who mangle language. During his Sunday blessing, Pope Francis apparently accidentally confused the Italian word “caso” — which means “case” — with “cazzo” — which can translate to “f–k.” Either that or the pontiff is going to new lengths to appeal to the younger generation.

–

49ers QB Colin Kaepernick now wants a $18 million a year deal so he can get paid like Tony Romo. Is that because late in the NFL championship game Colin started playing like Tony Romo?

–

Microsoft’s new CEO announced that Mark Penn, who has been with the company 2 years, will take on the new role of chief strategy officer. That same Mark Penn who ran the successful 2008 campaign of President Hillary Clinton… Oh, right. Never mind.

–

The federal government was shut down today for yet another winter storm. . Meaning Congress got about as much done as normal.

–

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers unveiled new uniforms to “establish a new, bolder identity moving forward.” Unfortunately for Bucs fans, the new uniforms will still contain the same players.

–

Mark Cuban says he thinks it would be better for top prospects to to play in the NBA Development League instead of spending one season in college. And a lot of high school stars are thinking “What? You mean college isn’t a one year NBA Development League?”

–

Dodgers pitcher Brian Wilson got a new tattoo on his left hand, of a handgun. Hope he keeps the hand covered while on road trips to the Marlins. In Florida seeing that tattoo could be enough excuse for someone to shoot him.

–

The NFL, trying to make extra points more interesting, is thinking of placing the ball at the 25-yd line, making it a 42-yd attempt. Of course, there are other possibilities. Like making the QB, or a lineman try the kick?    Am sure readers can come up with even more funky solutions?

–

Los Angeles coach Mike D’Antoni says he doesn’t think Steve Nash will play again before the season’s over. Although actually it’s been a few months since we knew the Lakers’ season was over.

–

–#Oscars. #1 question at the Academy this morning. How the heck do we get #TinaFey and #AmyPoehler to host next year?

–

#KimNovak at the #Oscars did answer one other question. “Could any human being make Joan Rivers look natural by comparison?

–

A new bill in California would require bottled beverages with added sugars and fountain machines that dispense them to bear warning labels that say “STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay.” To reach the people who both didn’t know that and who actually read labels?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Selfie overload.

March 3, 2014

Ellen DeGeneres’s Oscar selfie with Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence, Kevin Spacey, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt was retweeted so many times it disrupted Twitter service for 20 minutes. Gosh, does this mean that terrorists could shut down social media in the US if they find a cute enough group of cats?

 

–

Jared Leto won an Oscar Sunday.. Either that or Jesus has shown up. #Oscars2014

–

Add to the things that lasted longer than Russia’s post Olympics warm fuzzy feeling – Cate Blanchett’s Oscar acceptance speech #Oscars2014

–

As long as the Oscars show is, they still don’t have time for all the potential awards. For best actor of the year in a political drama, we could have nominated Chris Christie – “I Had No Idea My Top Aides Were Involved In Payback Politics

–

Jamie Foxx is with his lovely daughter at the Oscars. Note. Daughter. Casual views might think otherwise as the age difference is about the average that George Clooney has with his dates.

Congratulations to “12 years a slave.” And to non-movie fans, no, it’s not about an NFL player complaining about his contract.

–

Jake Peavy was scratched from his first spring training start for the Red Sox when he cut a finger with a fishing knife this weekend. And in SF the Giants presumably added fishing to the list of prohibited dangerous activities for Jeremy Affeldt.

–

#CateBlanchett deserved a Oscar for playing a  woman whose failing marriage made her crazier than any woman who didn’t actually marry Woody Alllen.

–

$51 billion for the Olympics to show the world what a nice place Russia is, and Putin can’t wait a week to invade Ukraine. That warm fuzzy feeling lasted less time than the Cubs’ annual playoff hopes.

–

Many in the GOP are urging President Obama to intervene in Ukraine. No doubt so they can then complain about him risking US lives and money in a war that is not our concern.

–

Gov. Jerry Brown said he is not sure legalizing marijuana is a good idea in California. “And all of a sudden, if there’s advertising and legitimacy, how many people can get stoned and still have a great state or a great nation?” Right, because having pot illegal except for “medical” reasons has done such a good job of reducing the number of people who smoke now.

–

Actually think this is kind of a cool compromise. In Boston, a deal has been reached to allow “MassEquality”, a gay advocacy group, to march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. But no T-shirts or signs with the word “gay.” And no marchers can refer to sexual orientation. Of course this means no shirts or signs saying “straight” either.

–

 

New NBA commission Adam Silver says he has considered having a play-in game for the last playoff spots. Right. Because 16 teams in the post season just aren’t enough.

Categories: political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Cheap shots?

January 17, 2014

 

Now the allegations are that Aaron Hernandez was actually the gunman in a 2012 double murder. This would never happen with Tony Romo. No chance he’d hit the targets.

–

Florida is spending $2.8 million on new interstate highway signs saying “Florida Welcomes You.” Will the signs also add the practical advice “Duck and cover.”?

–

In a Florida Walmart, a 77 year old man was arrested for using his shopping cart to bash another customer. The victim, who was not seriously hurt, allegedly had too many items for the Express Lane. Two thoughts: Who hasn’t wanted to do that? And if only they had both been armed.

–

Tough times in Los Angeles during the NFL playoffs since they don’t have a team. And who’d a thunk they’d now be saying – “Thank God for the Clippers, or we wouldn’t have an NBA team either.”

–

John C. Kelly, an ex-Morgan Stanley wealth manager, is on trail for secretly recording himself having sex at his NY apt with three different women. He claims he “accidentally” made the recordings with the camera he has set up as a pet dog monitor. Wonder if Kelly also filmed the dog eating his homework?
–
Great timing award? Jennifer Montana, who designs jewelry, just announced a new piece. It’s in partnership with Marshawn Lynch and it’s a #24 Seahawks necklace.

–

New MLB instant replay rules will finally let teams to show replays of controversial plays in the stadium. Bud Selig “The opportunity for our fans to see more replays in our ballparks is an important modification that the clubs and I favored.” Right, and Selig acted on this as promptly as he acted on steroids.
–
Much controversy over the Seahawks not selling playoff tickets to Californians. Actually after watching him on the sidelines last weekend it would make more sense for Seattle to ban coffee shops from selling to Jim Harbaugh.
–
Oscar nominations are out. And somehow Chris Christie was snubbed for his “I am not a bully” role.
–
At what point do they just give Meryl Streep a lifetime Oscar and retire her name from Academy Award contention?
–
A recent Salt Lake Tribune poll found Utah residents are now evenly split on gay marriage, with 48% in favor and 48% against. Well, the state does have a record of accepting unusual unions.
–
Alex Rodriguez now says he thinks 2014 will be “a new chapter of my life.” Not sure of the ending of this autobiography, but it will definitely be shelved in the fantasy section.
–
Russell Johnson, “The Professor” on “Gilligan’s Island.” has died. Have to wonder if his character ultimately inspired the astronauts on Apollo 13. (Although you had to wonder, if the Professor could fix anything, why couldn’t he build a boat?)
–
A Texas man is getting death threats after he paid $350,000 for the right to hunt a black rhino in Nambia. His statement “I want to experience a black rhino. I want to be intimately involved with a black rhino. If I go over there and shoot it or not shoot it, it’s beyond the point.” Well, if he really wants to experience and be intimately involved with the animal, how about he walks up close to it without a gun….

–

From Bill Littlejohn:   The Dodgers now have seven $20 million men, which now makes their starters the world’s fifth largest economy”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Old boys of summer.

February 26, 2013

Johnny Damon, 39, apparently would love a chance to play for the Yankees again in the wake of the injury to Curtis Granderson. To fit in with the rest of their team, New York, however, is presumably looking for someone with more experience.

–

Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.

–

Is “the Bachelor” contractually obligated to say “this is the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life” a certain number of times per show?

–

The Bachelor talks about falling in love with two women who he can both see becoming his wife. Wonder how many calls Sean will get from people offering to convert him to Mormonism.

–

–

Oops, John Kerry said today in a speech about the State Dept that they support democratic institutions in Kyrzakhstan…” Wonder who in the GOP will be the first to say “More party politics, what about Republican institutions in Kyrzakhstan?”

–

A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.

–

Manti Te’o’s 40-yd dash time today at the NFL combine was 4.82 seconds, 20th out of 26 linebackers. At this point, forget the imaginary girlfriend, Teo’s looking like an imaginary first-round pick.

–

The government of Iceland is planning to ban print and online pornography. Some citizens are upset – they’re called “men.”

–

Sorry, when a company has you on hold for over half an hour and they are telling you “your business is EXTREMELY important to us,” what they should be saying “your business is not nearly as important to us as keeping costs down by not hiring enough people to answer our phones.”

–

Rough month for the Vatican. Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien has resigned before the papal conclave, after 3 priests and a former priest alleged he tried to seduce them. Could be worse. At least the allegations involve adults.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Gentlemen, start your speeches.

February 27, 2012

Nothing like watching the Oscar Red Carpet to remind us that money absolutely cannot buy taste.

–

Jean Dujardin won the Oscar Sunday night for Best Actor. He’s the first French-born actor to win an Academy Award. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate to blame it on President Obama.

–

And men wonder why women drool over George Clooney, reason #2456. He just told a reporter he was up at 2am trying to decide what tux to wear.

–

Okay, now that Christopher Plummer has won for best supporting actor, how many producers are lining up to get Julie Andrews as a character actress in their films? Could be “Something good.”

–

Did Meryl Streep tonight pay homage to Christopher Plummer’s former co-star Julie Andrews? Looks like she too fashioned a dress out of curtains.

–

Jennifer Lopez tried to win the award for the best two presenters of the night.

–

The Daytona 500 was originally delayed until Sunday night, but was postponed until Monday at 12n. Thereby saving at least a few marriages from remote control wars between the race and the Oscars.. (And yes, both Daytona and the Academy Awards do prompt the response at times “Aren’t they close to done yet?”)

–

At Daytona, officials originally frantically tried to dry the track in time to run the 500 today. Shame the Florida primary is over. They could have done the job twice as fast with all that hot air going around.

–

So many disappointments in tonight’s Oscars. Poor Mitt Romney, snubbed both for his roles as potential best performance as an actor as a moderate, and best performance as an actor as a conservative.

–

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced she will not attend the President’s dinner Sunday night for all the U.S. governors. Barack Obama hasn’t been this “disappointed” since Joe Biden last got pre-speech laryngitis.

–

Oh yeah, and there was an NBA All-Star game Sunday night .Almost as meaningful as the rest of the NBA season.

So many casual movie fans tonight had to wonder – was Martin Scorsese with his girlfriend tonight or his granddaughter? (Neither, turns out to be his daughter.)

–

The scandal involving Bill Lockyer’s wife Nadia is too complicated to explain in a single post (extra-marital affair, alleged assault drugs, sex tape… google it if you are prepared to shower afterwards) The only good thing – at least Californians didn’t elect him Governor.

(okay, two good things, as my friend Michael Santos said, “at least the tape didn’t feature Bill.)

–

Rick Santorum said today that the separation of church and state “makes me want to throw up.” And if they’re watching in Heaven, Thomas Jefferson is thinking “Rick Santorum makes me want to throw up.”

–

Mitt Romney defends his statement about his wife’s two Cadillacs by saying that “If people think that there is something wrong for being successful, they should vote for the other guy.” I don’t think anyone thinks there’s something wrong with it, but some of us think if you’re that successful you don’t need another tax cut.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

State of the Union?

January 25, 2012

President Obama’s speech tonight was very realistic in one regard. While he returned to the theme of Washington being broken, he offered no over-optimistic plans to fix the Wizards and Redskins.

–
–

Another post State of the Union thought. President Obama was much more civil to the GOP than Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are to each other.

–

And there’s some progress in the U.S.A after all. Watching the State of the Union reminds me that we now actually have both a President and a Speaker of the House who are men of color.

–

Mitt Romney released his tax returns showing he will pay $6.2 million on income of over $42.5 million over the last two years. For a rate of 13.9% in 2010, and 15.4% in 2011. Well, gosh, with that kind of rate hike in 2011 I can see why Mitt thinks he needs a tax cut.

–

Oscar nominations announced today. And all these politicians who disavow all knowledge of what their Super PACs are up to were somehow shut out of the “Best Actor Category.”

–
Wonder if the Razzies will give a special award for “I fell into the lifeboat.”

–

–

San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi stated today that he will not take a leave of absence even though he has been charged with domestic violence – saying ““I will make sure, as I have been doing, (to) attend to the needs of the department.” At least he didn’t say he was a fighter.

–

The Raiders have announced the hiring Dennis Allen as their new coach. Since he’s going to be their 10th head coach since 1995, shouldn’t they refer to him as their “interim head coach?”

–

Costa Cruise Lines has offered passengers booked on future sailings of the Concordia a refund and a 30% discount on a future cruise. No exact word on the timeline for the discount. Which might matter as for several passengers no doubt they are thinking “when hell freezes over.”
–

Oregon football coach Chip Kelly turned down the head coaching position with Tampa Bay, in order to stay with the Ducks. Guess even with all his self-confidence, Kelly didn’t think he could turn the Buccaneers into BCS contenders.

–

The Indianapolis Colts are reportedly talking to 49ers Special Teams’ coach Brad Seeley. San Francisco is reportedly ready to let Seeley go, if he takes Kyle Williams with him.

–
From T.C. SF punt returner Kyle Williams has been invited by all 4 NY area NHL teams to drop the puck at their next home game.
–

Elizabeth Warren on the Daily Show in New York said the Patriots were going to “spank” the Giants in the Super Bowl. When asked by Jon Stewart, aren’t you supposed to waffle and say how much you respect the New York Giants, she responded “But I don’t.” Not a Patriots fan, but “You Go Girl!”

–

In the South Carolina presidential primary, apparently 953 ballots were turned in that belonged to dead people. Said Chicagoans – “Amateurs!”

–

Well, the SF Giants may not have signed any great hitters in the offseason. On the other hand, two of the best have gone to the AL. (Fielder and Pujols.) Does increase the likelihood of 2-1 wins over St. Louis and Milwaukee.

–

Less than a week away from Super Bowl media day in Indianapolis. Just waiting for the first reporter to ask this year “Do you think the weather will be a factor?”

–

Worst thing about the 49ers not making the Super Bowl. Not getting to hear Jim Harbaugh at Media Day. Especially after this response at a Monday press conference “Is it just California that everybody just wants to know how you feel? Care about what you thought, what you did, how you felt, how your pinky feels. Is that just a California thing? Back where I come from, nobody really cares.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Reality and unreality.

March 1, 2011

Kirstie Alley will be on this year’s Dancing with the Stars. Hope someone has alerted the USGS; if they do step dancing it could register on the Richter Scale.

–

Okay, admittedly I watch “the Bachelor” as a guilty pleasure.  But with this South Africa episode, anyone else rooting for a little wild animal attack?

–

Charlie Sheen’s publicist quit today. Makes sense, you don’t need a publicist to get a train wreck into the news.

–

I’ll say one thing for Charlie Sheen. He seems to have bumped Lindsay Lohan off the front page.

–

Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Olympics because they say the London 2012 logo resembles the word “Zion.” Really? With all due respect, the logo barely even resembles the numbers 2012.

Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas,  called “the most dangerous city in America” when speaking with reporters on Monday.

He was immediately defended by Sarah Palin , who said, well, give the guy a break, maybe he can’t see Juarez from his house.

–

Congratulations to “the King’s Speech” for winning Best Picture. Wonder how many Academy voters in the U.S. chose it because they loved the fantasy of a leader’s inarticulate son somehow miraculously growing into a true leader himself upon assuming office?

–

The general consensus is that the Oscars’ “youth movement” attempt with Anne Hathaway and James Franco was a resounding thud. Maybe next time the Academy wants to appeal to younger viewers they should have Pixar work something up with Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

–

If the Academy Awards really wanted the “must-see television” label last night, I understand Charlie Sheen was available.

–

All too familiar sign of spring in San Francisco, the following headline about today’s Giants spring training game in Arizona: “Barry Zito was not sharp.”

–

Earl Boykins,  34 years old and 5’5″ ,  has proved the doubters wrong for years, and is still playing for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks.  Now, his alma mater, Eastern Michigan University, is retiring his jersey.

As part of the celebration, EMU will make a  full-sized jersey replica available as a gift for baby showers.

–

Taco Bell is rolling out a new ad campaign saying that their taco filling is 88 percent beef and 12 percent “signature recipe seasoning and other ingredients.” Now the fun begins – what are those “other ingredients? (To be fair, they might be healthier than the beef.)

–

from my friend Jim Barach:
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only.  They are for guys who can’t get into college on an athletic scholarship.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Oscar Eve?

February 27, 2011

It’s the night before the Oscars –  which means that in Hollywood, all the nominated women who can still move their foreheads are practicing looking surprised.

–

The King’s Speech” will apparently be re-released by the Weinstein Company with a PG-13 rating instead of the original R. Presumably this new version will leave out or adjust one scene in which the future King strings together a series of f-bombs. WTF?!

–

But really, any kid old enough to be intrigued and/or interested by “the King’s Speech” is probably old enough to have heard more swearing on the school playground at recess.

–

Theme song of this year’s NCAA basketball season? “Another #1 bites the dust.” (Tonight, Duke, 60-64 to Virginia.)

–

President Obama has appointed Jeremy Barnard as the first male (and openly gay) White House Social Secretary. It’s about time – State dinners in the past have sometimes been successful, but they are about to become Fabulous!

–

Cam Newton refused to discuss any of his college problems in a recent interview, saying “”What I did in the past is in the past.” Who knew, whatever disease Mark McGwire has, it’s clearly contagious..

–

Prices at the pump jumped 17 cents a gallon on average this week in the U.S. This is the biggest increase in the cost of gas since Taco Bell ended their 39 cent taco promotion.

–

Considering how well Jed Bartlet and George H.W.Bush’s sons turned out, I think both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are thanking their lucky stars they had daughters.

–

In Tim Lincecum’s spring training debut, he allowed three runs in the first inning with four straight singles. And Lincecum later confessed to being “nervous.” Hmm, wonder what options a young man in California has for calming his nerves these days?

–

Kelsey Grammer, 55, married his girlfriend Katye Walsh, 29, this weekend. It’s Grammer’s fourth marriage. At one point it seemed like Kelsey aspired to be one of the greatest comic actors of our era, now it just seems he aspires to be Larry King.

–

British chef Jamie Oliver, who has been promoting a healthy eating/anti-obesity campaign of his own, heard about Sarah Palin’s criticism of Michelle Obama, and referred to the former Alaska Governor as a “Fruit Loop.”

This prompted an immediate demand for an apology.  From Kellogg’s.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments