Posted tagged ‘Oscars jokes’

And the nominees are….

January 25, 2017

Oscar nominations are out & least this year #OscarsnotsoWhite. Alas, instead, we have #WhiteHousesoWhite

 

And here we go again with Oscar snubs, but to be fair, the Brooklyn Nets haven’t done a great job of acting like a professional NBA team.

So did Meryl Streep really get her 20th Oscar nomination for Florence Foster Jenkins…. or because the Academy really wants to see her take another shot at Donald Trump?

 

These Sean Spicer press conferences making Americans look forward to serious deep analysis of Super Bowl media week.

Some controversy over Steve Kerr saying that NBA players made a “mockery” of All-Star voting. And really, who did they think they are – fans?

Philip Rivers was added to the Pro Bowl today and says he looks forward to the opportunity to play one more game as a San Diego Charger.
Guessing it will also be an opportunity for Rivers to get used to the size and enthusiasm of the crowds the Chargers will play in front of in Los Angeles

SF 49ers have announced they are freezing season-ticket prices for the next two seasons. Wonder how many fans are holding out until the team starts paying THEM?

President Trump is hanging a panoramic photo of his Inauguration Day in the press room at the White House; the picture was was taken from an angle showing a good-sized crowd. This was all more fun when he was just concerned about the size of hands.

 

Imagine if after game 7 champion wins Lebron James or Joe Maddon immediately started claiming cheating officials kept Cavs & Cubs from 4-0 sweeps.

The anti-narcissist: After Toronto Raptors coach Dwane Casey said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was “the best in sports,” Pop’s reply “That’s very flattering but obviously untrue. I’ve been around a long time and we’ve won some games, and if you’ve forgotten, I got to coach Tim Duncan. That made me look pretty good.”

f Democrats really managed to get 3 million illegals to vote wouldn’t they have bused in some in to WI, MI, FL or PA?

 

3-5 million voted illegally? Well, WI & MI are near Canada, NC & FL are coastal. Time to investigate potential foreign Trump voters?

Trump says he’s going to “send in the Feds” if the “carnage” in Chicago doesn’t stop. Yeah, that worked so well at Kent State.

Donald Trump is going to block all visas into the U.S. for peoole from Iraq. Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen, in theory to stop terrorists. Not that history, even recent history, is Trump’s strong point. But did he forget about France, England, Belgium, Turkey and oh yeah, Saudi Arabia?

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And the winner is….

March 1, 2016

Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the ‪#‎oscarssowhite‬ boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.

 

One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?

Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”

 

A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.

 

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.

 

As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.

 

Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.

 

Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?

 

A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.

A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING.  ‪#‎notsosorry‬

Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.

After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. ‪#‎lawofunintendedconsequences‬

 

Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.

John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. ‪#‎howlowcanyougo‬?

 

 

 

From T.C.  in response to my comment about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”

Fuzzy math

February 29, 2016

Why numbers can lie., or at least be deceptive: The movie that won the most ‪#‎Oscars‬ tonight was ‪#‎MadMaxFuryRoad‬

But it was all very confusing.  Jennifer Garner described  Mad Max Fury road as the Best Picture nominee where “civilization has collapsed & the world has become a toxic wasteland.”  Shouldn’t that have been “The Big Short?”

Forget the election, tonight with the Oscars the scariest thing in Hollywood for many was  ‪#‎ChrisRock‬ will say about them.   ‪#‎OscarsSoWhite

 

Baltimore Orioles CF Adam Jones says the team has banned smashing pies in teammates’ faces for celebrations, saying it’s for safety reasons. ‪#‎whenpiesareoutlawedonlyoutlawswillhavepies‬

 

After that climate change speech who will be the  1st ‪#‎GOP‬ presidential candidate to say ‪#‎LeonardoDiCaprio‬ should have been eaten by that bear?

So the woman who wins for best costume design shows up looking like she overslept and ran out the door with first thing she found? ‪#‎Oscars‬

Alicia Vikander, nominated for Best Supporting Actress, said on the Oscars red carpet that she “hopes she doesn’t get too drunk.” Does Alicia think she’s at the Golden Globes. Or did she bring a flask?

In Florida, three 12 year-old girls were arrested and taken into custody for allegedly putting pepper flakes their teacher’s soda. They face FELONY poisoning charges. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

Meg Whitman just  called Donald Trump “unfit to be president,” and a “dangerous demagogue.” Expecting Trump to come out with variations on his Carly Fiorina slams in 3.2.1….

NY Senator Chuck Schumer is adding an amendment to the FAA Reauthorization Bill, which would mandate minimum airline seat size. Not sure what the Presidential candidates will say, pretty sure it’s been a while since most of them have been on a commercial jet.

Biggest snub of the night: Not even an ‪#‎Oscars‬ nomination for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

Two days ago Nikki Haley said she’d support Trump if he is the nominee, today she told George Stephanopoulos, “Donald Trump is everything we hear and teach our kids not to do in kindergarten.”
If this keeps up the Dems won’t have to write any of their general election campaign commercials.

 

 

So not sure what’s scarier with Trump. The idea that he didn’t know who David Duke was? Or the idea that he does know, and doesn’t want to lose a single Duke/KKK supporter?

 

From Ben , after the GOP’s latest slug fest Thursday:   “Tonight we saw another spirited debate between the most diverse and well-qualified group of presidential candidates in history.” — Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee
Apparently, Reince has no problems with legalized marijuana.

Birdbrains?

January 20, 2016

#‎SarahPalin‬ has endorsed ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬. Well, narcissists of a feather…..

Or maybe Palin just likes Trump’s style, between his bankruptcies and divorces, Donald has does a fair share of quitting himself.

Not that I am a fan of the Patriots nor their QB, but Broncos DE Antonio Smith says Brady’s a crybaby because “I’ve never seen any quarterback look to the referee right after he gets sacked.more” So instead of Brady whining to the ref, Smith is whining to the media? ‪#‎potmeetkettle‬

 

So forecasters are predicting a major storm MIGHT dump over a foot of snow on the East Coast. Or it might not . “Depending on where this tracks, we could see a ton of snow or we could see nothing,” said National Weather Service Kevin Kacan.
But why let possibilities get in the way of a good media panic-fest?

Airline brilliance in action: Have a client on an American flight, at airport hours early, wide-open earlier flight, and they say $75 to get on it. Whereas the flight he is on, with a decent seat, is more full, and has no aisles left, so they could at least resell the seat assignment. And these carriers wonder why people hate them.

Sarah Palin’s 26-year-old divorced son Track was arrested last night for allegedly punching and kicking his girlfriend, while apparently waving a gun around. ‪#‎familyvalues‬ ‪#‎ifonlySHEwerearmed‬

Donald Trump seems unconcerned about his referring to a line from the bible as “Two Corinthians” rather than “Second Corinthians.” Although it does seem with Trumps followers that he could say Jesus married Mary Magdalene and they’d shrug it off too.

More on the Donald’s and his Corinthians (“Two”vs. “Second”). You would think that someone who has been married as often as Trump would remember how it goes. Because “First Corinthians” is quoted at so many weddings “Love is patient, love is kind…

The President of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences says she is “heartbroken and frustrated” about this year’s nominees, and they will “dramatic steps to alter the makeup of our membership.” So it just occurred to them that 94% Caucasian and 77% male with an average age of 62 isn’t great for diversity?

Okay, now ‪#‎affluenza‬ teen Ethan Couch’s lawyer is claiming his client may have been taken “involuntarily to Mexico.” Right, as if that young man would pay attention to any adult, including his mother.

 

 

The password management company SplashData has come up with a list of the most popular passwords. Numbers 1-6 are, in order, 123456, password, 12345678, qwerty, 12345, and 123456789.

Thinking if you have any of those, you’re eligible for the hacking equivalent of a Darwin award.

 

An Italian surgeon is seeking donations to perform the world’s first ever human head transplant. No shortage of opportunities no doubt for head volunteers – based on some recent polls seems certain a lot of Americans aren’t using theirs.

Although, whatever you think of this election it will be a very nice change when the front-runners are actually decided by actual VOTES, as opposed to polls. For what it’s worth, in both England and Canada’s recent elections pollsters were badly wrong. And for that matter, they didn’t do that well on last fall’s U.S. elections either.

 

The name game?

February 24, 2015

The Atlanta Braves’ B.J. Upton now wants to be known as Melvin Upton, Jr. Talk about a player to be named later.

Yep, cigarettes can kill you. But usually not this quickly. A man driving along the Columbia River in Oregon stopped to smoke and take a selfie while a train passed. He didn’t see another train coming from the other direction. ‪#‎Darwinawardoftheweek‬

It’s really a shame we don’t have Joan Rivers around to dish on how tacky it was to exclude her from the “In Memoriam” Oscars segment.

Okay, so maybe you shouldn’t bring your mom as your Oscar date when you’ve just starred in a soft-core porn flick. But just imagine how awkward the interview might have been if instead of bringing Melanie Griffith, Dakota Johnson had brought her father….

The Oscar ratings fell to a four-year low last night. Not sure what the Academy could do about the trend. Maybe something heretical like nominate more movies people have actually seen?

So we’re looking at a Homeland Security Department shutdown because the GOP is trying to tie a funding bill to a rollback of Obama’s executive actions on immigration. So where’s Giuliani’s rant on ‘loving your country” now?

Kristi Capel,, a Fox news anchor in Ohio referred to Lady Gaga’s performance as “jigaboo” music, and then in her apology said “I had no idea it was a word or what it meant. ” Uh, Kristi, here’s a hint, if you don’t know what a word means, don’t use it.

 

New MLB commissioner Rob Manfred has said a return to a 154 game schedule is “not impossible.” And ESPN responded “As long as it doesn’t cut down on Yankees-Red Sox games.”

 

KC ‪#‎Royals‬ manager Ned Yost: “I think without Madison we would be champions.” ‪#‎ThatswhytheycallittheMVPaward‬

Phil Jackson actually called out his Knicks team on Twitter last night. What’s more surprising. That the Knicks are this bad, or that Jackson knows how to use Twitter?

 

Louisville dismissed men’s basketball starting guard Chris Jones after campus police released a report that says he texted a woman who had “messed up his room” that he would “smack TF out of” her.” So maybe Jones is violent, maybe he isn’t. But if nothing else the man should be dismissed for being stupid enough to put a threat in a text.

Lies and omissions.

February 23, 2015

Many of my generation asked “Who’s Lady Gaga?” Many of her generation asked “What’s ‘The Sound of Music.;”? And both generations tonight were probably pleasantly surprised.

And the ‪#‎Oscar‬ for best use of tape goes, again, to Jennifer Lopez.

So there have apparently been major protests outside the Oscars over the exclusion of “Selma.” But hey, the Academy is 92% white, 77% male, and average age 62. ‪#‎whatdidweexpect‬ ‪#‎itsallabouttheclothesanyway‬

 –

Julianne Moore wins a well-deserved Best Actress for “Still Alice.” And many of her contemporaries are thinking. Well, except for that better performance, if we could remember who she was….

 

So the Academy decides to make up for leaving ‪#‎Selma‬ out of major awards by taking Oscar for “Best Song” away from the heartbreaking “I’m not going to miss you” by Alzheimer’s patient Glen Campbell. ‪#‎fiftyshadesofguilt‬

 –

Neil Patrick Harris is better than most hosts. But once again recall the great Johnny Carson, who noted that tonight we celebrate movies. By having millions of people watching the Oscars. And a few thousand for some reason tonight still in movie theaters.

So how did Rudy Giuliani not get nominated for his performance as a politician struggling to pretend he is still relevant?

 

For that matter, how about the Knicks being nominated for best performance pretending to be an NBA team?

 

A video purporting to be from an Al-Qaida linked group in Somalia calls for attacks on shopping malls and singles out Minnesota’s Mall of America. I can hear men now “Of course I’m not against shopping with you or having you go shopping alone. I just want you to be safe.”

Most Americans who watch the ‪#‎Daytona500‬ do so for the same reason we watch reality TV. We like watching wrecks.

  –

Turned on car radio this afternoon  and KNBR has the Daytona 500. NASCAR racing on radio?! ‪#‎andtheysaybaseballisboring

The cold wave has even spread to the Lone Star state. The Dallas area is expecting 2 inches of sleet in the next two days. Cue the “Hell freezing over jokes.”

As ‪#‎Giuliani‬ keeps doubling down on anti-Obama comments, how long until even Sarah Palin accuses Rudy of being an irrelevant media whore?

Interesting that many of these Republicans who are accusing of President Obama of not loving America because he isn’t 100% uncritical of the country, are also the same ones who rail against the “everybody gets a trophy”, uncritical parents who believe the children they love can do no wrong.

Ronna Romney McDaniel, 41, Mitt Romney’s niece, was chosen as chair of the Michigan GOP. So is this the first step towards Ronna’s running against Chelsea Clinton for President in 2032?

And the winner should have been….

February 22, 2015

Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.

As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?

Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.

On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.

 

Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.

American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels.   So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?

Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?

Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.

A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?

Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. ‪#‎doublingdownonstupid‬