Posted tagged ‘Daytona 500 jokes’

Round and round we go.

February 22, 2016

Denny Hamlin won the ‪#‎Daytona500‬ by just six inches. Not surprisingly men who saw the photo thought it was more like a foot.

‪#‎Daytona500‬ today. The only time of the week millions of ‪#‎NASCAR‬ fans enjoy watching anyone turn to the left.

Wonder if even Derek Jeter is thinking this ‪#‎KobeBryant‬ farewell tour is getting over the top?

The 2016 ‪#‎Marlins‬ apparently have a rule against facial hair. Well, not like they are going to have to worry about playoff beards.

Former Cowboys RB Joseph Randle has been arrested for the 5th time in 17 months. Is Randle trying to prove he still belongs in the NFL?

SF Giants prospect Ray Black has been clocked at 104 mph.  And somewhere Barry Zito is just weeping.

 

GOP conventional wisdom always had it that “it should have been Jeb.” Dems now concur. Based on this campaign, were he running against Jeb, Gore wouldn’t have even needed Florida.

So March Rubio edged Ted Cruz for second in South Carolina tonight: Wonder if Cruz or Trump will be the first to try to hire Chris Christie.

So the alleged Kalamazoo shooter is a white man with a “typical American family.” Waiting for the first person who figures out a way to try to blame this on Muslims or immigrants.

Not great publicity for Uber that the Kalamazoo suspect was an Uber driver who was picking up fares between shootings. Let’s hope that while scared residents tried to get home that the company wasn’t also doing surge pricing. ‪#‎bustohell‬ ‪#‎ubertohell‬?

Mitt Romney apparently has finally decided to endorse Marco Rubio, So until now was he only 47% percent sure?

 

Hillary Clinton today was countering criticism that she’s running for President for “selfish reasons.” Give me a break, they’re ALL running for selfish reasons.

Edward Snowden says he misses the U.S. and is willing to be extradited home if the U.S government guarantees he would get a fair trial where he can make “a public interest defense.” Uh, not sure if Snowden would be convicted or not, but getting media coverage of his defense is not going to be an problem.

 

 

When the lights went out at one of his rallies, Donald Trump used the occasion to lash out at “the dishonest press.” Is that any way to talk about the people who have made it unnecessary for the Donald to pay for any of his publicity?

One small step…

February 24, 2014

 

It’s a big step that it now looks like we will have two openly gay male athletes play major US professional sports this year. The next big step – when we get to the point that such events aren’t even news.

Jason Collins signed with the Nets and played tonight against the Lakers at Staples.   If Brooklyn judges his play to be good enough, Jason should get a chance to be the first openly gay NBA player to play against a professional NBA team.

 

So let’s start with the POSITIVES of having a gay player on your team. I’m sure my creative friends can make this a good list. 1. He might be the only teammate you can trust not to hit on your wife/girlfriend.

 

So a supporter of Arizona’s bill allowing businesses to discriminate based on religious beliefs brought up the idea of a supermarket bakery worker not wanting to make a wedding cake for a gay couple. Leaving aside Jon Stewart’s brilliant question “What gay wedding has a supermarket cake?” why then should that worker not be able to ask if the bride and groom have had premarital relations? Or previously divorced? Etc. Because that could go against their religious beliefs too.

CNN is going to end Piers Morgans’ show. “What a shame” said both of his viewers.

Canada won men’s hockey gold in a game that started at 7am Toronto time. Does the city have someone chaperoning Rob Ford?

I think a requirement for any American who professes to be upset by Canada’s hockey wins should be to name at least try NHL players. Current ones.

The USA women’s hockey collapse against Canada was embarrassing. But in the long run suppose less embarrassing than being shut out for the last two games….

 

Sigh. Shows like Downton Abbey have their season flash by in an instant and stuff like “Keeping up with the Kardashians” apparently never ends? #qualitynotquantity

The Daytona 500 was delayed several hours due to heavy rain. Sounds like Mother Nature is saying “Don’t gloat about this winter so fast, Florida.”

 

13 car crash on lap 146 of 200 Daytona. For millions of Americans, finally a reason to watch the race highlights on Sportscenter.

Half expected when the race was over to have Fox interrupt with historic breaking news of the second Daytona 500 winner in a single day.

(during the rain delay, they showed the 2013 race on Fox. Someone at Fox News thought it was for 2014.  And announced the winner again accordingly.)

Non-US carriers are different. ANA made a apologetic announcement today at the airport that boarding would be delayed due to cabin preparation. By FIVE minutes. And the guy sounded really sorry.

Zack Greinke, on the Dodgers and Dbacks opening the MLB season in Australia “I would say there is absolutely zero excitement for it. There just isn’t any excitement to it. I can’t think of one reason to be excited for it.” I am thinking the league will quickly remind him of million$ of rea$on$ to be excited by it.

 

Justin Bieber, unhappy about the “Loser gets Bieber” billboard about the US vs. Canada hockey, tweeted. “I guess I’m an easy target for some. I’m still human. I will continue to meet hate with love. It’s all about the music. Much love” Uh, Justin, if you WERE all about the music, millions of Americans wouldn’t be so eager to send you back.

Oscar/Daytona Eve

February 24, 2013

It’s apt that the Oscars happen just a few weeks before March madness. Millions of Americans can pretend to care about movies they’ve never seen, right before rooting for college basketball teams they’ve never heard of.

The Daytona 500 infield… whitest crowd I’ve seen since watching a Mitt Romney rally.

As far as predictions, forget “Best Picture.” What many people really wonder  – Who is Seth MacFarlane most likely to offend?

A spectacular crash at the end of the Nationwide race at Daytona injured 28 fans as debris flew into the stands. Forget Danica Patrick. Replayed footage of the whole mess may be what really gets many casual fans to turn into the Daytona 500 tomorrow.

The U.S. Department of Justice announced they have joined the whistle-blower lawsuit against cyclist Lance Armstrong. Hey, if they win enough maybe we can keep post office delivery on Saturdays.

Manti T’eo about the media circus surrounding him at the NFL combine “It’s pretty crazy.” Uh, yeah, Manti, that’s exactly America thinks of your story.

Great sign of impending Spring in the San Francisco Bay Area: Jon Miller doing play-by-play on the radio.

So now that 2013 Spring Training has started, how long until Cubs fans break out their “Wait until 2014” t-shirts?

Los Angeles’s Cardinal Mahony says he has been “scapegoated” in the priest abuse scandal and that “Jesus was painted with the same brush as the two thieves crucified with him.” Next he’ll complain that people aren’t getting the church’s message of personal responsibility.

My friend Melodi says “At least Pope Benedict can’t claim he’s retiring to spend more time with his family.”

Steve Nash, Mike D’Antoni and Dwight Howard stood behind Kobe Bryant’s guarantee that the Los Angeles Lakers will make the playoffs. Well, what are they supposed to say, we’ve all booked our Hawaii vacations for the first weekend of the playoffs?

What would have been a bigger surprise before last season – that Barry Zito  has been announced as starting the Giants home opener? Or that SF fans are actually happy about it?

Friday night was the 33rd anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey victory against the Soviet Union. Many hockey fans don’t remember the game. But many more may be asking “What’s the ‘Soviet Union?”

Daytona 500 – Please sir, may I have s’mores.

February 28, 2012

Well, I’m not a NASCAR fan. But must admit watching a car run into a fuel truck (when no one gets hurt) is pretty spectacular.

Watching the Daytona track cleanup, which is more fun than the race. And millions of American women are discovering, yes, men can be taught how to use Tide.

“Breakfast at Daytona” has turned into “Demolition Derby.”

Montoya’s accident with the truck was the biggest flameout in the South since S.C. Governor Sanford said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Good thing the airlines don’t sponsor NASCAR. With that much jet fuel spilled, future race tickets would certainly have a fuel surcharge.

Mitt Romney is accusing Rick Santorum’s campaign of being “deceptive” and using “dirty tricks” in making robo calls telling Democratic voters to come out to the polls Tuesday in Michigan and vote against Romney. Translation, Mitt’s mad he didn’t think of the idea of calling Democrats first.

Mitt Romney told supporters in Michigan about attending the Golden Jubilee celebration of the American automobile as a young boy. The problem is that the event took place nine months before Mitt was born. In Romney’s defense maybe he’s still traumatized from dodging sniper fire in Bosnia with Hillary Clinton.

(Either that or Mitt is trying to trump Santorum’s “life begins at conception” with “memory begins at conception.)

Rick Santorum is attacking President Obama” for wanting all Americans to have the chance to at least attend community college. Well, makes sense, Santorum’s BA, MBA AND JD don’t appear to have helped him become any smarter.

Best thing about Jennifer Lopez’s “wardrobe malfunction” last night. If it had to happen to an American Idol judge, at least it wasn’t Steven Tyler.

New reality show? “Survivor – Costa Cruises.”

How do you say “oops” in Italian. A fire in the generator room of the Costa Allegra, has left that cruise ship adrift off the Seychelles. No casualties, but wonder if they had to rescue the captain after he fell into a lifeboat?

Kobe Bryant finished the All-Star game despite having sustained a “nasal fracture” Guess no one noticed since we’re all used to seeing Kobe with his nose out of joint.

Poor Mitt, wondering why people think he is out of touch. From Paul Krugman in the NY Times: “Asked by the AP reporter if he follows NASCAR, Romney responded, ‘Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners'”

A measure to legalize the recreational use of marijuana has qualified for the Colorado ballot this November. Insert “Rocky Mountain High” joke here.

Newark Airport temporarily closed tonight for an emergency landing and a disabled plane blocking a runway. The airport reopened with delays of up to an hour. No compensation for passengers, because hey, stuff happens. But try telling an airline you got stuck in traffic and missed your flight..

Gentlemen, start your speeches.

February 27, 2012

Nothing like watching the Oscar Red Carpet to remind us that money absolutely cannot buy taste.

Jean Dujardin won the Oscar Sunday night for Best Actor. He’s the first French-born actor to win an Academy Award. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate to blame it on President Obama.

And men wonder why women drool over George Clooney, reason #2456. He just told a reporter he was up at 2am trying to decide what tux to wear.

Okay, now that Christopher Plummer has won for best supporting actor, how many producers are lining up to get Julie Andrews as a character actress in their films? Could be “Something good.”

Did Meryl Streep tonight pay homage to Christopher Plummer’s former co-star Julie Andrews? Looks like she too fashioned a dress out of curtains.

Jennifer Lopez tried to win the award for the best two presenters of the night.

The Daytona 500 was originally delayed until Sunday night, but was postponed until Monday at 12n. Thereby saving at least a few marriages from remote control wars between the race and the Oscars.. (And yes, both Daytona and the Academy Awards do prompt the response at times “Aren’t they close to done yet?”)

At Daytona, officials originally frantically tried to dry the track in time to run the 500 today. Shame the Florida primary is over. They could have done the job twice as fast with all that hot air going around.

So many disappointments in tonight’s Oscars. Poor Mitt Romney, snubbed both for his roles as potential best performance as an actor as a moderate, and best performance as an actor as a conservative.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer announced she will not attend the President’s dinner Sunday night for all the U.S. governors. Barack Obama hasn’t been this “disappointed” since Joe Biden last got pre-speech laryngitis.

Oh yeah, and there was an NBA All-Star game Sunday night .Almost as meaningful as the rest of the NBA season.

So many casual movie fans tonight had to wonder – was Martin Scorsese with his girlfriend tonight or his granddaughter? (Neither, turns out to be his daughter.)

The scandal involving Bill Lockyer’s wife Nadia is too complicated to explain in a single post (extra-marital affair, alleged assault drugs, sex tape… google it if you are prepared to shower afterwards) The only good thing – at least Californians didn’t elect him Governor.

(okay, two good things, as my friend Michael Santos said, “at least the tape didn’t feature Bill.)

Rick Santorum said today that the separation of church and state “makes me want to throw up.” And if they’re watching in Heaven, Thomas Jefferson is thinking “Rick Santorum makes me want to throw up.”

Mitt Romney defends his statement about his wife’s two Cadillacs by saying that “If people think that there is something wrong for being successful, they should vote for the other guy.” I don’t think anyone thinks there’s something wrong with it, but some of us think if you’re that successful you don’t need another tax cut.

Dunking and driving.

February 21, 2011

Today was a good sports day for fans of irony.  Two of the least racially diverse sports in America,both having their showcase events on the same day.

(For nonsports fans, the NBA All-Star game and the Daytona 500.)

So what’s more likely?  A white kid growing up in the U.S. to become an NBA All-Star starter, or a black kid growing up to be a driver at the Daytona 500?

Regarding the NBA game –  since did NBA All-Star weekend turn into another episode of the Grammys? (There was  more music than actual basketball.)

Rookie Trevor Bayne, 20, wins Daytona 500. Well, that’s one way for the sport to avoid embarrassing DUIs – have a star who’s too young to drink.

Wonder what George Washington would say if he could see our current President’s Day celebrations? Probably something along the lines of “I cannot tell a lie, some of these so called “half price” sales are major ripoffs.”

A recent survey by 24/7 Wall Street indicated that Priceline was the “big American retailer” with the worst customer service. This comes as a surprise to many Americans who’ve booked travel with the company – Priceline HAS customer service?

Donald Rumsfeld said this week that the Oakland Raiders were “evil.” What is it with this guy and his need to go after entities with no discernible weapons?

The NBA’s Sacramento Kings are thinking of moving to the Honda Center in Anaheim. Well, as far as title hopes, or even playoff hopes, perhaps they just want to be closer to their spiritual home – Fantasyland.

So some Conservatives believe the protestors in Egypt were “used” by the Muslim Brotherhood who did not have the people’s interests at heart. But there’s a deafening silence when middle and lower income Tea Partiers have travelled to Wisconsin to chant “Don’t tax corporations.”

Apparently students in Texas currently rank 47th in the nation in literacy, 49th in verbal SAT scores and 46th in math scores.

So this well-known Texas liberal wrote a letter to the Houston Chronicle against Governor Perry’s proposed budget cuts:  “In light of these statistics, can we afford to cut the number of teachers, increase class sizes, eliminate scholarships for underprivileged students and close several community colleges?”

The liberal writer?  Laura Bush.