Posted tagged ‘Lance Armstrong jokes’


February 3, 2015

Class, nothing but class. Police in Aspen cited Lance Armstrong for failing to report an accident and speeding last month, after he allegedly hit two parked cars after a party, and got his girlfriend to say she was driving to avoid “a national story.” ‪#‎Liestrong‬

You have to wonder how Armstrong thought he would get away with it.  Although if this story really starts going viral, Lance may start getting bouquets, from Pete Carroll and the Seahawks.

Hear that Pete Carroll was supposed to throw out the first pitch at a Mariners game. But fans are asking Seattle management if Marshawn Lynch can just run the ball in instead.

Tom Brady says he plans to give the Chevy Colorado he won as Super Bowl MVP to Malcolm Butler. A nice gesture. Though before Butler drives the truck he might want to check the pressure in the tires.

From Marc Ragovin. Who hears Pete Carroll will be starring in a new movie – “The Wrongest Yard.”

A truck carrying frozen chicken collided with a truck carrying bees near Palm Springs Tuesday and both vehicles caught fire. Both drivers escaped, but beware of imminent sales featuring heavily discounted honey barbequed chicken.

Sen. Thom Tillis (R-NC), arguing against “regulatory burdens,” this week said that restaurants should be able to “opt out” of health department regulations that require employees to wash their hands after using the bathroom. Well, so much for dinner parties at HIS house

To be fair, the Senator did say they should then post a sign saying they didn’t have the rule and then the marketplace would take care of it. Okay, then, do we need a government regulation to REQUIRE such restaurants to put up a sign?

Rep. John Boehner: “I do believe all children ought to be vaccinated.” Some in the GOP are worried. Next thing the Speaker of the House will do is make some heretical statement about believing in science.


Some blame the measles outbreak on undocumented immigrants. Considering that this all started from Disneyland, and a single day at the park is $400 for a family of four before parking and food (closer to $600 if you also visit California Adventure), I’m thinking the odds of the child in question being from a wealthy anti-vaccine family are more than slightly higher.

Rand Paul, “I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.” Does this explain some of his colleagues?

Charlie Manson’s marriage license with his 26 year old girlfriend has apparently expired. So guess what. psycho ladies? He’s available.

Browns WR Josh Gordon, who allegedly tested positive for alcohol while on probation, has been suspended for a year by the NFL. Rumor has it he was partying with Manziel. This presumably is not what Cleveland had in mind when Johnny Football said he would “wreck this league.:

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Johnny Manziel has checked into rehab—this just in:three local Las Vegas casino workers unions have filed for bankruptcy.”

Timing is everything…. A Royal Caribbean ship made headlines today for cutting a cruise short because over 200 people became sick with norovirus, which causes nausea and diarrhea. And just got this in my email from the cruise line “Last minute deals, going, going, gone…”


Yes, “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” But I don’t have a problem with Jordan’s revenge today. They were far more merciful than ISIS.



Oh, brother.

April 23, 2013

It appears that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev fatally injured his brother by running over him in an SUV as he escaped. So will Dzohkhar ask for leniency because he killed an enemy of the U.S.?

The Yankees announced that Derek Jeter, 38, will be in a walking boot at a news conference Thursday. Either that or he will be in a walker. Not sure.

In 2011, the West Fertilizer company filed a report with the EPA saying there was no risk of fire or explosion at the plant, and “The worst-case release scenario would be the release of the total contents of a storage tank released as a gas over 10 minutes.” In other words, this is Texas, we don’t need no stinkin’ regulations.

Anthony  Weiner has a new Twitter account. Presumably a condition of activating it was giving his wife the password.

Apparently the new name of the four-team playoff that starts after the NCAA 2014 football season will be the “College Football Playoff.” Translation. No one’s bid enough for naming rights yet.

Great quote from Nevada State Senator Kelvin Atkinson, as he came out to his colleagues while they were debating a same-sex marriage bill. “I know this is the first time many of you have heard me say that I am a black, gay male. If this (bill) hurts your marriage, then your marriage was in trouble in the first place.”

Day two of the NBA playoffs. There is something wrong with a postseason that lasts longer than a Kardashian marriage.

Nice truism from my friend Jim Barach.  “A report warns that the “cinnamon challenge”, where people try to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon can be dangerous to a person’s health. However, it is still not as dangerous as eating a cinnamon roll from Cinnabon.”


Senator Max Baucus, 71, announced his retirement. Responded Senator John McCain -“So young?”

California Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom has decided to endorse Democrat Ro Khanna, 36, who is running for Congress against 7-term incumbent Mike Honda, 72, also a Democrat. Gosh, can’t imagine why Newsom thinks an older politician should step aside for an ambitious younger one..

The U.S. Department of Justice has joined the suit against Lance Armstrong, saying that by his cheating he defrauded and damaged the post office. Maybe they could settle, however, if Armstrong could get the USPS some performance enhancing drugs.

Former Senator Bob Dole said in a recent interview that the Republican Party needs to learn that “compromise is not a bad word.” And most of the GOP House members responded, “Bad? More like a profanity.”

Oscar/Daytona Eve

February 24, 2013

It’s apt that the Oscars happen just a few weeks before March madness. Millions of Americans can pretend to care about movies they’ve never seen, right before rooting for college basketball teams they’ve never heard of.

The Daytona 500 infield… whitest crowd I’ve seen since watching a Mitt Romney rally.

As far as predictions, forget “Best Picture.” What many people really wonder  – Who is Seth MacFarlane most likely to offend?

A spectacular crash at the end of the Nationwide race at Daytona injured 28 fans as debris flew into the stands. Forget Danica Patrick. Replayed footage of the whole mess may be what really gets many casual fans to turn into the Daytona 500 tomorrow.

The U.S. Department of Justice announced they have joined the whistle-blower lawsuit against cyclist Lance Armstrong. Hey, if they win enough maybe we can keep post office delivery on Saturdays.

Manti T’eo about the media circus surrounding him at the NFL combine “It’s pretty crazy.” Uh, yeah, Manti, that’s exactly America thinks of your story.

Great sign of impending Spring in the San Francisco Bay Area: Jon Miller doing play-by-play on the radio.

So now that 2013 Spring Training has started, how long until Cubs fans break out their “Wait until 2014” t-shirts?

Los Angeles’s Cardinal Mahony says he has been “scapegoated” in the priest abuse scandal and that “Jesus was painted with the same brush as the two thieves crucified with him.” Next he’ll complain that people aren’t getting the church’s message of personal responsibility.

My friend Melodi says “At least Pope Benedict can’t claim he’s retiring to spend more time with his family.”

Steve Nash, Mike D’Antoni and Dwight Howard stood behind Kobe Bryant’s guarantee that the Los Angeles Lakers will make the playoffs. Well, what are they supposed to say, we’ve all booked our Hawaii vacations for the first weekend of the playoffs?

What would have been a bigger surprise before last season – that Barry Zito  has been announced as starting the Giants home opener? Or that SF fans are actually happy about it?

Friday night was the 33rd anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey victory against the Soviet Union. Many hockey fans don’t remember the game. But many more may be asking “What’s the ‘Soviet Union?”

If you’re unhappy and you know it….

January 26, 2013

New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie supported QB Mark Sanchez by saying “When you don’t have a supporting cast, you’re going to get an average or below-average quarterback.” Well, actually the Jets had a great supporting cast, aka “Les Miserables.”

Lance Armstrong’s lawyer told the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency that the cyclist will help ”clean up cycling.”    Makes as much sense as Bill Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage Act.”


Titus Young, who has been sent home from the Detroit Lions 3 times in 2 years for insubordination, is now saying things on Twitter like “Oh I’m not done, if y’all going to cut me let me go” and threatening to retire if he doesn’t get the football. Even T.O. is thinking “Just STFU.”


Dwight Howard on the Los Angeles Lakers: “Negativity just got to stop. I’m sick of hearing about it. We got to bring some positivity to the situation.” (And no doubt thinking “Especially because it’s harming my value on the free agent market when I’m out of here next season”)

UCLA’s compliance department is investigating basketball star Shabazz Muhammad’s Gucci backpack, which the freshman wore it yesterday on television after the Arizona game. Uh, this one’s easy for Muhammad, just say he got the backpack on Canal Street on a trip to New York.

This may only make sense to frequent fliers, but United Airlines has decided that 30 minutes is enough time at JFK airport to connect from their flight to a Swiss flight. Terminal 7 to Terminal 4. Really?! You’d have a better chance of seeing Tim Tebow lead the Jets to a Super Bowl.

Sarah Palin, who has been a contributor to Fox News since 2010, is leaving the network, saying that it is her decision. Didn’t know Palin had signed a 6 year contract.

Carl Pavano will be out for six to eight weeks after rupturing spleen shoveling show at home in Vermont. Hearing this the SF Giants breathed a sigh of relief that Jeremy Affeldt lives in Arizona.

The California Highway Patrol says a naked woman has been arrested after allegedly driving her car into her fiance. How long until we can expect a made-for-tv movie starring Lindsay Lohan?

Mark Zuckerberg is having a fundraiser at his home for Chris Christie. But given the New Jersey governor’s penchant for controversial statements, how long until Mark changes this relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

Four U.S. men have now filed class action suits against Subway for fraud over their 11 inch “footlong” sandwiches. If these clowns don’t want to end up paying court costs for frivolous lawsuits they’d better hope no defense lawyer can find ex-girlfriends who might testify to their own exaggerated inches.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal yesterday ” We’ve got to stop being the stupid party. It’s time for a new Republican Party that talks like adults.” Looks like he’s racing Chris Christie to see who can get thrown out of the GOP first.


Yankees GM Brian Cashman thinks there’s “a chance” Alex Rodriguez could miss the whole season. Which means the third baseman could come as close to leading New York to another World Championship as he did in 2012.

Second time around.

January 22, 2013

Bizarre thing about Monday’s inauguration, President Obama was actually really sworn in again on Sunday. So the entire ceremony is about as real as a Manti T’eo engagement party.

So now that Obama has been inaugurated for his second term, how long until we see the first ads for the 2016 Presidential campaign?

President Obama stumbled over the word “states” in his inaugural oath. Maybe he was thinking of the ones he wishes would secede?

So in another generation will the President and Vice President take an oath on a iPad bible?

Paul Ryan was booed as he left the Capitol this morning to attend President Barack Obama’s second inauguration ceremony. Wonder if the boos were from Democrats, or Republicans who think he lost Romney the election.

President Obama said in his speech. “Any of us may face a job loss.” And Republican members of Congress on the platform are thinking “Why couldn’t it have been you?

Phil Mickelson, who lives in Rancho Santa Fe, is saying he may have to make “drastic changes” because of new California tax laws that push his effective tax rate into what he says is 62-63%. Maybe Phil, who earned over $60 million last year, should talk to his near-neighbor, new La Jolla resident Mitt Romney.

Investigators say that tests showed Lance Armstrong was probably still doping in 2009, so that he lied when he told Oprah he stopped in 2005. So the formerly idolized cyclist was still less than honest, I’m shocked, shocked….

Atari filed for bankruptcy Monday. Shocking most Americans – “Atari is still in business?”


Bill Clinton, paying close attention to Kelly Clarkson’s…. lyrics?


Well, at least he’s consistent.

Life in the fantasy lane.

January 18, 2013

Some are criticizing Manti T’eo for still talking about his girlfriend even after he found out she wasn’t real. But hey, plenty of people live with a fantasy they know doesn’t exist… like Cubs fans and their team in the World Series..

Lance Armstrong not getting much positive feedback from his Oprah interview. Even O.J. Simpson is thinking “Dude, show some remorse.”

Lance Armstrong told Oprah in the second part of his interview, that “I think I deserve” another chance. And “do I want to compete again? Hell, yes.”

Will he ever be allowed to compete again?  IMHO, Hell, no.

So when can we expect a Pulitzer Prize winning story on Manti T’eo and his girlfriend to be written by Janet Cooke?

So, as this Lance Armstrong saga just won’t go away, anyone else hoping that the silver lining is that Sheryl Crow writes a really good song out of it?

The FDA has now also approved Botox for treating patients with overactive bladder. So women who want to pretend they aren’t having work done can walk into the doctor’s office carrying a box of Depends.

This Manti Te’o story gets weirder and weirder. Many college football fans are already hoping to get back to a more innocent time when the only fakes involving players are their transcripts.

TSA wants all 535 members of Congress to start use Pre-Check lanes, as they “are known and trusted.” As if we needed more proof that the agency is out of touch -“known” yes, but “trusted?” Really?

At Miami International Airport no one was injured but an Aerolineas Argentinas Airbus and Air France 777 sustained damage in a collision near their gates. Insert “foreign drivers in Florida” joke here:

You cannot make this “stuff” up: University of California President Mark Yudof’s, who presided over a reduced pension plan for UC employees, has announced he will retired in August. Because the timing will mean Yudof will have been on the job five years, he will collect a lifetime pension of $230,000…..

The SF Giants have signed Hunter Pence to a $13.8 million one year contract. Thus making his clubhouse pep talk before the Giants first elimination game the best paid speech in history.

Ray Nagin, former Mayor of New Orleans, was indicted today on 21 federal corruption charges, including bribery, money laundering, fraud and filing false tax returns. Gosh, this almost qualifies Nagin to run for Governor of Louisiana.

In Connecticut, a Catholic priest busted for allegedly dealing crystal meth was suspended after church officials discovered he was a cross-dresser who was having sex in the rectory with other. men. The Vatican is relieved, at least his partners were adults.

He’s back….

January 18, 2013


Photo sent to me by a friend of Clint  back  at work. This time  interviewing Manti T’eo’s girlfriend.

One advantage to those imaginary girlfriend’s. They never ask you “Do these pants make me look fat?”

Notre Dame is in major damage control mode.  Rumor has it they first tried to prove the girlfriend’s existence, but soon realized that proof of her voting in Chicago wouldn’t count.

So what was Manti Te’o’s major at Notre Dame? Drama? Or Creative Writing?

Marc Ragovin wonders if Manti went to Notre Dame or No Dame?

This just in, as a way to cut down on illegitimate children and embarrassment to the league, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is recommending all players start having fantasy girlfriends.

A silver lining for having a fantasy girlfriend? Manti T’eo will now forever be the favorite football player of a million Trekkies.

And just last week we thought the most embarrassing thing to happen to Notre Dame football this year would be their performance against Alabama….

Not sure if Lance Armstrong has any regrets after this week, but at least he has to be glad he didn’t plan to blame his doping on an imaginary girlfriend.

Also not sure how much truth was in Lance Armstrong’s interview with Oprah.   But as to these sentences…  “This is too late. It’s too late for probably most people. And that’s my fault…” Yeah, right on all three counts.

Things are getting contentious again in Washington. Fully expect House Republicans to ask President Obama to cut costs by exchanging Air Force One for a Dreamliner.

Boeing 787 Dreamliners around the world have been grounded due to potential fire risk with battery failures. United Airlines, the only U.S. carrier to fly the planes, says they will resume flying 787s when it is both deemed safe and they figure out how to charge a battery surcharge.

In a closed-door meeting Rep. Paul Ryan gave other House Republicans his advice about how to battle President Obama. Well yeah, and that worked so well last November.

Ah, priorities. Arnold Schwarzenegger introduced himself in an online post, in order as “Former Mr. Olympia, Conan, Terminator, and Governor of California.” Well, to be fair, Arnold had more success with the first three.

Fast food uproar after an Australia man posted a picture of a Subway foot-long sandwich that he measured at 11 inches. Women are rolling their eyes, figuring clearly it was a man who over-advertised the length in the first place.

Whole Foods founder and CEO John Mackey says now he regrets recently comparing Obamacare to “fascism.” Mostly because someone probably told him that most Whole Foods customers voted for the President.

(although speaking of feeling like being in  a fascist system, try going into Whole Foods without a reusable bag…oh the horror.  I think in Northern California you’d stand out less with a Romney-Ryan button.)