Posted tagged ‘Manti Teo jokes’

On the clock

April 27, 2013

Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly drafted former Stanford star Zach Ertz. Guess Kelly always wanted to know what it was like to coach a student-athlete.

LSU CB Tharold Simon, projected to be drafted Friday, was arrested last night in his Louisiana hometown on charges of threatening a police officer, public intimidation and noise violation. So was this Simon’s last ditch effort to be drafted by the Bengals?

(Simon update,  not drafted yet at time of posting.  Maybe better to save your arrests until you actually are part of the NFL?)

As of Friday night, is Matt Barkley looking into whether or not he has another year of eligibility at #USC?

From Alex Kaseberg:  The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?

(At least T’eo didn’t get drafted by the NY Jets. Who these days are pretending to be a professional football team.)

And with Manti T’eo to the San Diego Chargers, expect opposing stadiums to cue the “California Dreaming” music.

A U.S. brother and sister are recovering after a 14-hour swim to safety in St. Lucia when their boat sank during a fishing excursion. The pair are thinking it could have been worse – at least they hadn’t booked a Carnival Cruise.

Gwyneth Paltrow told Ellen Degeneres that she was “humiliated” by a see-through dress she wore to the Premiere of Iron Man. Here’s a hint Gwyneth, it IS possible to try clothes on in front of a mirror.

Coach Rick Pitino had to get a tattoo after he promised to get inked if his Louisvlle Cardinals won the National Championship. Well, at least that’s one worry no one ever has managing the Chicago Cubs.

Los Angeles #Lakers against the San Antonio #Spurs. As far as Jack Nicholson is concerned, it’s Too Few Good Men.

Air traffic delays fixed. Now if we could figure out a way to REALLY make the sequester hurt members of Congress we’d have the whole budget settled in a week.

(My friend Keith Odgen suggests furloughing their staff.)

The sequester continues, but Congress managed to fix the furloughs that involved air travel. Which is good news for travelers. And bad news for airlines who are losing a major excuse for delays.

 

So much yellow at Oracle Arena for the Denver Nuggets-Golden State Warriors game last night – almost as if the Oregon Duck exploded.

So Lindsey Graham is now trying to blame the Boston bombings on Obama by saying the suspects should have been under closer surveillance. Considering that the FBI Watch List has about 500,000 people on it, would Senator Graham like to discuss 1- How that’s logistically possible? 2- How are we going to pay for it?

Captain Courageous?

April 25, 2013

At a press conference today in Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter vowed to return to the field in 2013. Of course he didn’t say whether it might be to throw out a ceremonial first pitch.

Some are openly questioning how the alleged Boston bomber’s wife could be so completely in the dark about  her husband’s secret life. At least no one’s asked for a public comment from Hillary Clinton.

LeBron James, on finishing second to Marc Gasol for the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year award: “It sucks. It definitely sucks, though, finishing second. Who wants to finish second?” Well, this ought to take care of Lebron’s reputation for whining.

Shocking story about a baby in Delhi sold twice on Facebook. Many Indians can’t believe it. They figured babies were only sold on Ebay.

The  NFL Draft started Thursday. W ell, it was about time football finally got some #ESPN coverage.

Wonder how many SEC players who got drafted are due for a pay cut?

Really? Ebay is emailing all members telling us to tell Congress “No” on proposed online sales tax legislation, as it is “wrongheaded”, “unfair” and a “burden” for small businesses. Except that businesses with less than $1 mill. a year in online sales would be exempt. Guess it depends on what the definition of “small” is.

Now the media is reporting “Carnival Cruise ship evacuated.” The story, after barge explosions on the Mobile River, crew members who are living on the Carnival Triumph while it is being repaired were taken off for safety reasons. Dear Gawd. When the ship is repaired will they report on the number of people with hangovers and upset stomachs from overindulging on board?

Stockholm police apparently found illegal narcotics on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. So is this enough for the U.S. to deport him back to Canada

The alleged Boston bombers’ mother says she believes that the bombing was fake, “a show,” and that the blood was “paint.” Wow. Even U.S. Conspiracy theorists are impressed. What’s next, a talk radio gig?

Asked if her son Jeb should run for President, Barbara Bush responded “He’s by far the best qualified man, but no. We’ve had enough Bushes. It’s not just four families, or whatever” Hmm, maybe the Bush we should have elected was Barbara.

Stanford LB Alex Debniak gave an interesting and articulate pre-draft interview on local radio today. Although he did say at one point “Me and my agent…” Quick, check for academic fraud.

Guess  Manti T’eo being a first round draft pick was as much of an illusion as the Notre Dame star’s girlfriend. #NFLDraft

Forcing the force?

March 2, 2013

Oops, Obama confused Star Trek and Star Wars by referring to a possible “Jedi Mind Meld” with Republicans. So much for that title “E! Online” gave the President of “Commander in Geek.

Just as well in some ways the President messed up the line,  these days had he gotten the Star Wars reference right, Republicans might have accused him of being born on the asteroid colony Polis Massa

 

A CNN lab test of Budweiser showed that the beer contained 4.94% alcohol by volume, compared with 5% stated on the label. Oh the horror. Where’s the class action lawsuit?

Gov. Chris Christie says he will appeal a decision upholding a ban on sports gambling in New Jersey. Of course what he means is “legal” sports gambling in New Jersey.

Not sure what it says about our country that more Americans seem to care about President Obama’s mixing of Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors than the sequester….

Dorothy Hamill, 56, is appearing this weekend in San Jose in the “Stars on Ice” tour. Wonder if the show’s grand finale will feature Hamill screaming “You punks get off my rink.”

Facebook is having reporters come to their headquarters next week to “come see a new look for News Feed.” What, have too many users gotten comfortable with the current version?

Manti Te’o says no teams asked about his sexual orientation at the NFL Combine. Which is good, but have to wonder if it’s because some teams figured they didn’t have to….

 

Now traces of horse meat have been found in food served at Taco Bell’s UK restaurants. This fortunately would never happen in the U.S. No one has ever accused our Taco Bell food of containing any actual meat.

The President of Groupon was fired yesterday. Wonder if the board told him by sending him a message saying his deal had expired.

A Florida man was apparently swallowed last night by a sinkhole under his bedroom. Other Floridians were dismayed, especially as the man wasn’t Governor Rick Scott.

Okay, it’s tacky, but anyone else think this Hugo Chavez death watch is turning into a Monty Python skit? “Not dead yet, sleeping…”

From Marc Ragovin:    “So Dennis Rodman has been hanging out with Kim Jung Un. One is an unstable madman bent on world destruction, while the other is the leader of North Korea.”

 

Fantasy football?

January 17, 2013

A Notre Dame Heisman candidate with a fake dead girlfriend…. As my friend Michael Santos says “Manti Teo, everyone’s favorite fantasy pick…”   –

A rout MIGHT have been expected, but okay, with this year’s BCS National Championship, who predicted that the Alabama football program could also end up on the higher moral ground?

And here most people thought the 2013 BCS game was the most embarrassing thing that could happen to Notre Dame football.   –

November 30, 2013. Notre Dame vs. Stanford football in Palo Alto. Wonder if the the Stanford Band has already been warned “Don’t even DREAM of a dead girlfriend show…”

American Idol started tonight. Which will be a nice diversion for Americans tired of watching Congress – aka American Idle.

While a Southern California teacher lost her appeal over being fired for previous acting in porn films, up in Northern California, a police officer arrested when he was caught naked in a Motel 6 with a prostitute still has his job. What a country.

Alex Rodriguez underwent successful hip surgery today. With an average 6-month recovery time the Yankees slugger expects to be back in plenty of time to do nothing in the playoffs.

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:  “The Post Office will sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million in sponsorship money. That is when you know you’re in trouble when the Post Office is suing you for doing a bad job.”

I’m thinking maybe Lance can pay them back by sharing some of his stuff. Because if any government agency needs PEDs..

All this commotion about Lance Armstrong… Think how much better his reputation would be in the long run if years ago he just came out and said “Yeah, I doped, you couldn’t find a cyclist who didn’t. But I was the only one who did it after surviving cancer.”

This Lance Armstrong circus coming on the heels of the Baseball Hall of Fame vote is making me long for the innocence of pro wrestling.

Talk show host Michael Savage says you shouldn’t get a flu shot, because the government can’t be trusted. And presumably when you get sick you shouldn’t go to any doctor who went to public school or got his/her MD from a state university?

ESPN reports that after USC lost to Georgia 21-7 in the Sun Bowl a “flat-out brawl” broke out in the team’s locker room. The brawl probably featured the Trojans hitting hard than they did in the game.

Chip Kelly is very optimistic about his new job in Philadelphia. The new Eagles coach even figures by his second season he will finally have a team good enough to beat Alabama.

Philadelphia fans are excited about getting Chip Kelly. Stanford fans are pretty pleased too!

Kim Kardashian said on the Today Show that her pregnancy was a “pleasant surprise” because of her “fertility issues.” Gosh, so she was struggling to conceive all 72 days of her marriage?