Posted tagged ‘sequester jokes’

On the clock

April 27, 2013

Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly drafted former Stanford star Zach Ertz. Guess Kelly always wanted to know what it was like to coach a student-athlete.

LSU CB Tharold Simon, projected to be drafted Friday, was arrested last night in his Louisiana hometown on charges of threatening a police officer, public intimidation and noise violation. So was this Simon’s last ditch effort to be drafted by the Bengals?

(Simon update,  not drafted yet at time of posting.  Maybe better to save your arrests until you actually are part of the NFL?)

As of Friday night, is Matt Barkley looking into whether or not he has another year of eligibility at #USC?

From Alex Kaseberg:  The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?

(At least T’eo didn’t get drafted by the NY Jets. Who these days are pretending to be a professional football team.)

And with Manti T’eo to the San Diego Chargers, expect opposing stadiums to cue the “California Dreaming” music.

A U.S. brother and sister are recovering after a 14-hour swim to safety in St. Lucia when their boat sank during a fishing excursion. The pair are thinking it could have been worse – at least they hadn’t booked a Carnival Cruise.

Gwyneth Paltrow told Ellen Degeneres that she was “humiliated” by a see-through dress she wore to the Premiere of Iron Man. Here’s a hint Gwyneth, it IS possible to try clothes on in front of a mirror.

Coach Rick Pitino had to get a tattoo after he promised to get inked if his Louisvlle Cardinals won the National Championship. Well, at least that’s one worry no one ever has managing the Chicago Cubs.

Los Angeles #Lakers against the San Antonio #Spurs. As far as Jack Nicholson is concerned, it’s Too Few Good Men.

Air traffic delays fixed. Now if we could figure out a way to REALLY make the sequester hurt members of Congress we’d have the whole budget settled in a week.

(My friend Keith Odgen suggests furloughing their staff.)

The sequester continues, but Congress managed to fix the furloughs that involved air travel. Which is good news for travelers. And bad news for airlines who are losing a major excuse for delays.

 

So much yellow at Oracle Arena for the Denver Nuggets-Golden State Warriors game last night – almost as if the Oregon Duck exploded.

So Lindsey Graham is now trying to blame the Boston bombings on Obama by saying the suspects should have been under closer surveillance. Considering that the FBI Watch List has about 500,000 people on it, would Senator Graham like to discuss 1- How that’s logistically possible? 2- How are we going to pay for it?

Over the line?

April 22, 2013

Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct when her husband was arrested for DUI. Not exactly her best performance in Walk the Line

Ok, this statement from Reese Witherspoon. “I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.” What? No blame on someone else? How does she call herself a celebrity.

T.C.’s comment-   “Apparently, Reese Witherspoon was beligerent when her husband was arrested for DUI. She asked the cop “Do you know who I am???” He replied, “Yes, you’re Al Michaels”.

South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District hasn’t elected a Democrat since 1961 but Elizabeth Colbert Busch is now leading Mark Sanford by 9 points in the polls. Maybe proving that even though you can make all kinds of anti-woman comments, it IS just possible to be enough of a douchebag that they won’t vote for you.

American  golfers Dustin Johnson and Zach Johnson have pulled out of the Ballantine’s Championship in South Korea this week citing safety concerns. Although with all due respect, the U.S. tournament this week is the Zurich Classic in New Orleans, where they are statistically more likely to be shot.

After 11 NFL seasons, LB Scott Fujita announced his retirement today when he signed a one-day contract with New Orleans so he could retire as a Saint. New York fans immediately started pleading with Mark Sanchez to sign such a one-day contract with the Jets.

Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni said L.A. needs Steve Nash to upset the Spurs. Now I like Steve Nash as much as I dislike Kobe. But to pull off this upset? I think they need the Nash of about 5-10 years ago.

A new report published in Pedriatics says at least 30 teenagers needed medical attention last year after trying the “cinnamon challenge.” Which is trying to swallow a spoonful of ground cinnamon in 60 seconds without water. Great, just what we need – driver’s licenses required to make purchases in the spice aisle.

NY State Sen. Greg Ball posted on Twitter that “who wouldn’t want to use torture against the surviving Boston terror suspect?” Uh, leaving aside the moral implications, and that fact that this is not a movie or “24” episode, could we at least wait and see if he answers voluntarily?

SF Giants didn’t have a walkoff win until April 19. Now they have 2 in 4 days. Are they trying to become the official baseball team of Just For Men?

There have been several flight delays on the East Coast due to FAA controllers being furloughed with sequestration budget cuts. Can’t we schedule these furloughs where they are most deserved – at whatever time members of Congress are trying to fly home for the weekend?

From Terry Etter:  “Because the budget crisis has caused some air traffic controllers to be laid off, the FAA says we can expect flight delays of up to 3 and 1/2 hours this summer. So who knew that having fewer traffic controllers would shorten airline delays.”

CB Darrelle Revis, traded from the Jets to the Buccaneers, promised that Tampa Bay “will make a lot of noise” in the 2013 season. Well, with Revis on the team “noise” is a given. Winning, on the other hand…

Auburn’s AD Jay Jacobs responded to an online report that accused their 2011 BCS champion team of altering grades and bribing players by saying the article was full of “misrepresentations” and “is clearly flawed.” Hmm, does that mean there was a lot of stuff they missed?

Love and marriage…

March 8, 2013

This might be the first link to a commercial I’ve ever posted.  It’s for the new Amazon Kindle, and if you haven’t seen it,  it’s so worth 30 seconds of your time.  IMHO:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=lS3t9reE364.

Barack Obama took 12 GOP senators out to dinner last night and personally picked up the tab. Waiting for Ted Cruz to demand the President’s impeachment for attempted bribery.

San Diego may soon permit  medical marijuana sales from vending machines. Assume next to the Doritos machines?

QB Gunner Kiel, a top recruit in 2012, changed his mind and defected from both Indiana and LSU before ending up at Notre Dame.  Now Kiel has now announced he is transferring after one year in South Bend.  What’s Gunner’s reason, that the Fighting Irish weren’t offering enough of a commitment?

Michigan Senator Carl Levin, 78, has announced he will not seek re-election in 2014. “Retiring so young?!” remarked John McCain.

Mariano Rivera says he is retiring after the 2013 season. Responded Cher – “The first time is the hardest.”

Former SF Giants closer Brian Wilson has announced he will not try out for MLB teams until he is at 100% following his second Tommy John surgery. Does that mean “the Beard” is retiring?

A new study shows that consuming large quantities of processed meats can raise your risk of premature death by 44%. Hmm, maybe a solution to the Social Security/Medicare funding crisis – free hot dogs and bacon for all!.

The Big East is probably changing their name for football to “America 12 Conference” as they’ve registered the domain name “America12.org” The way schools have been leaving hope they also registered “America11” “America10”, “America9” and so on….

Facebook’s new News Feed will apparently place greater emphasis on photos that members post. You know what this means, even more cats!

Milwaukee Brewers GM Doug Melvin ended up in the Scottsdale emergency room after being stung by a scorpion. Hearing the story, SF Giants fans are surprised it didn’t happen to Jeremy Affeldt.

Pop star Justin Bieber needed medical attention after he. fainted during a concert in London. Fortunately Bieber did recover, and to the dismay of most parents in attendance, he did return to finish the show.

From Bill Littlejohn:     “Johnny Manziel said that he will take out an insurance policy in case of a career-ending injury.   And after he takes out this one for the nightclubs and bars he goes to, he’ll also take out one for playing football.”

Sequester this?

March 7, 2013

If President Obama wants bipartisan agreement maybe he could just send a drone to at least temporarily silence Nicki Minaj?

Could we declare this sequester part of the New York Yankees starting lineup?. Seems to be the best way to guarantee it will be shelved in no time.

Leaving aside our potential differences on Rand Paul’s politics, can we at least agree that the man knows the right way to do a filibuster?

This week’s blizzard, projected to be one of the most powerful of the year, has kind of turned into a big “meh.” Which means the storm could end up being renamed from “Saturn” to “Lakers.”

The Yankees’ Mark Teixeira injured his right wrist and will be out about 2 months. “That’s really a shame”, said no one outside New York.

Taco Bell is coming out with a new Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco, which uses a shell that is basically just a giant Cool Ranch Dorito. For all those who think the chain’s regular offerings just don’t have enough artificial flavorings and salt.

Mayor Bloomberg’s next campaign is to warn young people that listening to loud music on their iPods with earbuds could result in hearing loss. On the other hand, if kids use the earbuds in traffic, it does increase the chance of a Darwin award to remove them from the gene pool.

Rory McIlroy about leaving the course during the Honda Classic last week “I realized pretty quickly it wasn’t the right thing to do…. my tooth was bothering me, but it wasn’t bothering me enough to quit.” What? No blaming bad advice, the crowd, his medications…..

President Obama had dinner tonight with 12 GOP Senators. I wonder how many food tasters will be involved.

Rand Paul decided to have a real filibuster against President Obama’s nominee for head of the CIA. So far he’s been speaking about twelve hours….. Let’s hope Joe Biden doesn’t take this as a challenge.

Members of Congress left for early weekends today starting at 1pm, despite the much vaunted storm only bringing an inch of snow. So for the remainder of the week, sounds like as much will be accomplished in Washington as usual.

So now Jeb Bush is making noises about running for President in 2016, which means he may well face off against Hillary.. Isn’t it great we Americans don’t live in a banana republic where power is concentrated in the hands of a few families?

And all joking aside, my friend Alex B sent along this link from West Wing, “Ten Word Ansswers.”   Kind of makes you wish we could draft   Jed Bartlett for President in 2016.

Threats and no threats

March 6, 2013

TSA announced that passengers will be able to carry sporting equipment including golf clubs and souvenir baseball bats onto planes next month. Members of the the 2013 NY Yankees will even be able to carry full-sized bats, because TSA doesn’t think they will hit anything.

As of midnight, Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez are still dead. 

Just read that Americans waste 1/3 of the food they buy. But bet none of that waste includes chocolate.

Okay, President Obama can’t lock all of Congress away until they come up with a deal. But it’s a shame he couldn’t have called an emergency session tonight in advance of the big storm about to hit D.C.   And then immediately furloughed  all the snowplowers….

Jeb Bush said Monday, and in his new book, that he opposes a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants. Tuesday Jeb said he would endorse such a pathway if it did not incentivize illegal immigration. Adding “We wrote this book last year, not this year.” Even Mitt Romney said “That was fast.”

After Serge Ibaka hit Blake Griffin in the groin during a game Sunday, the NBA decided to fine the Oklahoma City star $25,000 but not suspend him. And I’m sure this decision would have been the same had the Thunder been playing, say, the Sacramento Kings tonight instead of the Lakers on national television.

George Shultz will be speaking in Washington this Friday urging action on climate change, including a carbon tax. Waiting for the first GOP member of Congress to accuse Shultz of being a “commie pinko Californian.”

Justin Bieber is taking a lot of heat in England for a show in London where he didn’t appear on stage until almost 1030p. Does Bieber not realize that if you’re old enough to stay up that late, you’re too old to be one of his fans?

 

Denied the use of a $1 internet coupon, a woman at a Walmart allegedly pulled out a handgun and threatened employees. Then she fought with arresting officers. She is now in jail. The state? Of course. Flori-duh.

(If Walmart employees decide to arm themselves do they get an employee discount on their personal guns?  Just wondering?)

Jon Stewart says starting in June he will take an eight week break from “The Daily Show” to produce and direct a feature film. Yikes. What will we do without the Walter Cronkite of our generation?

The Chicago Blackhawks won their 10th consecutive game tonight. Said Chicago Cubs fans – “You can do that?”

Regarding this pissing match about hypothetical drones between Eric Holder and Rand Paul, here’s a hypothetical question:. If an American citizen stole an 757 jet, and announced in midair he was flying it to recreate 9-11 with another U.S. skyscraper, does the President have the authority to order the military to use a drone to shoot him down?

 

Who are you going to believe, me or your lying ears?

March 3, 2013

Mitt Romney on his 47% statement, it was “unfortunate” and “what I said is not what I believe.” Guess the running mate Mitt should have chosen was Newt Gingrich – who himself said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood.”

According to Dennis Rodman, Kim Jong Un doesn’t want war with the U.S, but he would like President Obama to pick up the phone to chat about, for starters, basketball. So where’s the SNL skit on this? To the tune of “Call me, maybe.”

There’s a children’s book out called “A President from Hawaii.” Wonder how many folks look at it and say “See, proof, he isn’t from the United States.”

No one has come up with a good catch phrase to describe this sequester. Shame “March Madness” is already taken.

Two World Series titles in three years and I’ve yet to see a national writer or publication pick the SF Giants to win the west in 2013. Even Rodney Dangerfield thinks this team can’t get any respect.

UCLA Freshman Shabazz Muhammad, who will declare for the NBA draft, played his last game at Pauley Pavilion today, saying “I’m really happy I came here and represented UCLA because it’s a great school and I just gained a lot of experience.” Give the guy credit, at least he didn’t pretend it was about the whole semester he got of education.

No injuries were reported when a United Airlines flight from Vancouver had to make an emergency landing today at San Francisco International Airport. Wonder how long it will take United to bill the passengers with an “excitement surcharge.”

The San Antonio Spurs’ star Tony Parker should be back for the playoffs, but will be sitting four weeks with a ankle sprain. Out of habit David Stern fined Gregg Popovich.

Confused about this new “Catholic 7?” Guess it’s supposed to be a new NCAA basketball division. Sounds more like the semi-finalists in a reality show about electing the Pope.

Really? From Politico: “Sec. of State John Kerry is calling on bickering Egyptian leaders and opposition politicians to forge a political consensus that will allow the country to emerge from economic crisis.” Does this even need a punchline?

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  The Milwaukee  Brewers’  Italian Sausage costume has been returned.  Just in time, the police were thinking of going after Joey Chestnut.”