Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

High and dry?

September 3, 2019

Florida State coach Willie Taggart says he thinks his team might have lost in part to Boise State because they weren’t properly hydrated.
If only the game was in a state where they invented Gatorade?

After weeks of drama, Ezekiel Elliott’s agent says a deal with his client and the Cowboys is ‘very close.”

I really don’t care, do u?

 

SF Giants have mostly played their way out of Wild Card race.  And Tuesday 1-0 loss was rough on fans.    On the other hand, not as rough as Mets blowing a 10-4 lead in the 9th.

Last year’s SF Giants were near the wild card race until September too, when Pablo Sandoval also ended up out for the year.  #Coincidence?

 

Travel rant. Do you know how hard it is in a small country like Ireland to be 180 miles from Dublin?
Mike Pence managed to do it, by staying at Trump’s money-losing resort at taxpayer expense. And also at taxpayer expense flying back and forth from the West Coast of the country to the East Coast.
Seriously, LIVERPOOL, England is about 20 miles closer by air to Dublin than Doonbeg.

Pence’s Chief of Staff said, Trump said “‘Well, you should stay at my place.’ ”

“It wasn’t like a, ‘You must.’ It wasn’t like, ‘You have to…”

Right because who would feel pressured at all when replacing your boss on a business when they “suggest” you do something?

 

Latest mass shooter in Odessa apparently failed a federal background check, but got his weapon in a “private sale.”
Now, imagine if US said  (just for one example), “To save lives, we’re now going to regulate opioids more carefully, but hey, if you buy them privately get as many as you want.”

Kroger announced they will no longer allow open-carry in stores. What a shame for all those who felt they absolutely needed to be armed to get the best peaches.

And PSA for those who don’t live near a Kroger.  “Our longstanding policy is that firearms are not permitted in our stores – with the exception of law enforcement personnel. Safeway/Albertsons does not permit weapons of any kind in our stores.”

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Actually keeping score?

August 29, 2019

Ok. I get that some people think I’m a little obsessed to be stressed about Democratic Presidential primaries this early. And yet there are folks who are seriously stressed about the scores of week 4 pre-season NFL football.

With back-to-back home runs today, Minnesota Twins broke the major league record season for most home runs on the road. which was 138. And there’s a full month left in the season.
But sure, Barry Bonds is the one whose home run total should have an asterisk…

At least for remainder of season can 2019 SF Giants officially retire the term “home field advantage?

Two weeks after Chris Davis had a dugout confrontation with manager Brandon Hyde, Orioles reliever Richard Bleier and 3rd-base coach Jose David Flores also ended up in a public shouting match in the dugout.
Baltimore fans just wish the team would show that much energy on the field.

Alex Trebek is back at work taping the new season of “Jeopardy!,” five months after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

“What is really good news?”

 

Travel rant.  Austrian Airlines and Lufthansa are offering a scheduled LEGAL connection between a Vienna to Frankfurt flight and a Frankfurt to San Francisco flight that is 45 minutes!?!
So will transfer assistance be provided by flying pig?

The latest wannabe mass shooter at High Point University told police he was trying to get into a fraternity and that “if his roommate got into a fraternity and he didn’t, he had a plan to kill his roommate and himself.”
But no, we don’t have an epidemic of white male privilege.

 

Interesting timing. Trump wants G7 at Mar-a-Lago and mean bitch Karma along with Mother Nature remind him. “Dude, it’s hurricane season.”

 

Well, since most bugs can’t swim Hurricane Dorian might take care of the Doral bed bug problem.

Trump today canceled his trip to Poland.   Guess it’s just as well Trump had already canceled Danish part of European trip. Does anyone think Mother Pence would have let Mike have dinner with the very attractive Danish Prime Minister?

 

 

Does anyone think Trump would have canceled his trip if he were scheduled to go to Buckingham Palace? Or to one of his rallies?  Or to one of his golf resorts?

The bigliest dogs?

April 14, 2018

(and yeah, this post is out of order. Can we blame Trump?)

 

QB Mark Sanchez suspended 1st four games of 2018 NFL season for Performance Enhancing Drug use. Well, whatever he took, it didn’t work.

Sebastian Janikowski, 40 has signed with Seattle Seahawks. Wonder if Adam Vinatieri texted him “Good luck, young man.”

Let’s be real, if Colin Kaepernick was as much of a star now as Reuben Foster he could kneel AND be charged with felony domestic violence and still have a job.

Dez Bryant story today illustrates a sports-truism – you can be an a**hole, only as long as you’re a super-star a**hole. #Cowboys

Derek Jeter won’t attend Marlins games in NY, saying “it would be an awkward situation for me to actually go to Yankee Stadium.” Because he’s no longer in pinstripes,  or because Giancarlo Stanton is hitting .220 with 25 strikeouts?

 

So sad about #HueyLewis losing his hearing and canceling concerts. But these days kind of a relief to see him trending & finding out it’s not for sexual harrassment or dying.

Mueller apparently has found out that despite his disavowals,   Michael Cohen actually WAS in Prague in 2016.  Czech mate?

What Scooter Libby did in exposing Valerie Plame was treason. It endangered her life. But hey, Trump needed to signal – there is no floor on “how low can you go?”

Now that RNC deputy finance chair has resigned over $1.6 million nondisclosure deal for Playboy model he got pregnant, got to wonder, what other biglier deals did Michael Cohen arrange for Trump?

For a man who hates pets Trump sure wagged a really big dog.

I really miss when Friday nights were a relaxing time and a slow news cycle.

If Trump bombs Syria to distract from the Cohen Prague story what is he going to do when someone finally releases the pee tape?

Brian Williams accidentally refers to Trump as Obama in discussing Syria bombing. Standby for Fox News citing this as proof to blame everything on Obama.

At what point does Putin think “Damn we should have just let Hillary win?'”

 

So let this be a lesson to other countries. You can use chemical weapons on your citizens if you want, but don’t do it when US President is worried about impeachment. #Syria

Beat LA

March 29, 2018

Just thinking that over-under on number of days SF Giants might be in first place in 2018 could have easily been zero.

 

 

Yeah without Madbum and Melancon everyone had SFGiants beating Kershaw and Dodgers on Opening Day.

So yeah, we all had first run given up by Clayton Kershaw in all of 2018 be a home run by Joe Panik….

Happy #OpeningDay Have the Marlins been eliminated yet?

Meanwhile, the Detroit Tigers postponed their Opening Day game. So they remain undefeated until Friday.

Who had Kevin Durant ejected twice more this year than Draymond Green?

RIP “Le Grand Orange,” Rusty Staub. The reason many Canadians fell in love with baseball. He really should have been Monsieur Expo.

A Los Angeles judge has ruled that coffee sold in California should have cancer warning labels.  Uh, if we’re talking about dangers, how about a warning that says talking to a coffee drinker before they’ve had their first morning cup might be suicidal?

So Laura Ingraham has attacked immigrants, gays, basketball players, etc.. Learning the hard way that you don’t go after white kids #Followthemoney

Bernie Sanders sent me a fundraising email including that we need to “energize the working families of this country to come out and vote for Democrats.”
Okay, Bernie, can you start by becoming a Democrat yourself?

If Trump has such a problem with Amazon using USPS for delivery at cheap rates, shouldn’t he quit whining and help the post office negotiate a better deal?

“Orders process and deliver within 10-14 business days via the United States Postal Service for delivery within the Domestic U.S. only. ” Amazon? Nope, the “official Donald J. Trump Store.”

 

Stormy Daniels’ lawyer says April 30 will be hearing to determine if Trump has to testify under oath. Hmm, so who will @realDonaldTrump fire over prior weekend?

 

James Mattis to John Bolton “I heard you’re actually the devil incarnate and I wanted to meet you.” Well, some do say Mattis is the smartest man left in White House.

Go ‘Stros

November 1, 2017

It was less than 4 1/2 years ago when Matt Cain with #SFGiants threw a perfect game against then the worst team in baseball.

But hey, Astros have been bad so long that the stadium they were named for was built & torn down before they won World Series. #Astrodome

I officially love A.J. Hinch. Letting his pitcher bat in 9th with a 4 run lead. #Dancewiththemthatbrungyou

Fox talking about Jr. Home Run Derby during Altuve AB’s seemed somehow wrong. Most of these kids are taller than him.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers opening day 2017 payroll, $242 million. Houston Astros opening day 2017 payroll, $124 million.  Just saying.

Carlos Correa, with his post game 7 marriage proposal made most women go “aww…”  and most men hoping to pull off the ultimate marriage proposal thinking – “Thanks for setting impossible bar,   a**hole.”

 

On brighter note for LA fans , children in Africa are going to be getting really good looking blue & white Dodgers World Series Champions gear.

Also on brighter note, the 104 win 2017 LA Dodgers did get further than the 116 win 2001 Seattle Mariners.

Not a Dodgers fan, but as a baseball fan have to feel for for Yu Darvish. A class act.

Browns WR Josh Gordon has been conditionally reinstated to the NFL. Let’s hope he doesn’t go to Colorado to celebrate.

Actually while NFL conditionally reinstates Josh Gordon maybe they drug-test members of Browns staff involved in botched AJ McCarron trade?

Papa John’s, official NFL pizza company, thinks player protests hurting their profits. What if Papa John’s & NFL just have lousy product?

David Shaw says in Stanford-OSU game -“It was a gut feeling to stick with Keller Chryst.” Uh, coach Shaw, there are antacids for that.

Another day, another powerful man (men)  accused of sexual assault. Another reason maybe we need to have more women in charge?

John Kelly-“Robert E. Lee gave up his country to fight for his state.” Uh, Benedict Arnold gave up new country to fight for his 1st country.

 

 –

Before victims are buried from New York Terrorist Attack we’ve got at least two dead in shooting at Colorado Walmart. Nothing to see here. #Murica

And meanwhile, as Trump goes on immigration tirade, 2 are dead on street in NYC East Village from apparent murder-suicide shooting.   More #Murica

Always too soon to start talking climate change or gun control…. Never too early for @realDonaldTrump to start spewing hate.

 

Seeing #TheLionKing trending & happy to see it’s a new Disney movie w/great cast. Not documentary on @realDonaldTrump – #TheLyingKing

Laura Bush on the Trump family “I wish them the very best.” Is that Texan for “Bless their hearts?”

Don Jr. wants Chloe to give away candy to teach her about socialism. To teach her about zoology does he show her pics of animals he’s shot?

No joke, Trump wants to name his tax reform plan “The Cut Cut Cut Act.” Because “Millionaire Relief Act” doesn’t have the same ring to it?

Thinking back to Nixon and Watergate. US did get rid of Agnew first. Maybe we should start working on Pence?

Fly the foul?

October 18, 2017

Well, Eric Cooper’s “foul ball” call on a swinging strike three ought to do wonders for  conspiracy theorists who believe Fox wants Dodgers and Yankees  in World Series? #WTF?

Fumble call on NY Jets in Patriots game called the worst officiating mistake of the year. Eric Cooper “Hold my beer.” @Cubs

Non-political wisdom from Gregg Popovich, on LaMarcus Aldridge “I was trying to teach him before I learned him.”

Lebron James’ new Nike jersey didn’t even make it through one game intact, as the back of the jersey split. But to be fair, Nike paid about $1 billion for eight years to be NBA official supplier. Not like there was much money left to actually spend on the uniforms.

The prospect of a #Yankees #Dodgers World Series is as appealing as the #USC #NotreDame game. If it happens can they both lose?

Bulls’ Bobby Portis suspended 8 gms for punching teammate, causing facial fractures. On bright side will he be offered tryout w/ Chicago Bears?

Billy Joel, 68 & his 4th wife, Alexis Roderick, are expecting a child. So will he endorse a new line of father-baby diapers?

New poll found 46% of voters believe media make up stories about Trump. How many of those think #FakeNews stories make Trump look BETTER?

Not a coincidence that @realDonaldTrump is first President in modern memory who doesn’t have a White House pet.

Wonder if all these conspiracy rumors about a Melania body-double have given @FLOTUS ideas?

5 people shot at office park in Maryland. Move along, nothing to see here. At least until we learn suspect’s religion & immigration status.

But guess another mass shooting  means we have to reset the clock on not being able to talk about gun control.

So if  Washington Post is #FakeNews how come the check Trump promised a Gold Star father was just sent today after their story broke?

Whoever thought we’d miss Sean Spicer?

10 days after fires started, Trump finally tweets about California Wildfires. Will he next tweet plans to meet w/ President of California?

Could have been worse. Trump could have told LaDavid Johnson’s widow  “At least he didn’t get captured, I don’t like people who get captured.”

 

I wonder if Trump showed more empathy to families of the victims of the Bowling Green Massacre?

And then there were 8.

October 13, 2017

Congrats to Syracuse and Cal. Would enjoy this more if it didn’t mean more likelihood of 2 SEC teams in the playoffs.

Now can someone beat #Alabama.

 

Two top 10 teams have lost before #CollegeGameDay even starts.

ESPN  called WSU vs Call  “College Football Primetime.” It’s 1:56a on the East Coast.   WTF?

Apparently never bet against Smokey Bears.#Calfootball #CaliforniaWildfires #bustohell

Reminder to all those who want to dump on Dusty Baker. He didn’t tell Jose Labaton to take a long lead off 1st base last night.

Not claiming as a woman sports fan that I know everything. And , maybe not even enough to competently discuss the physicality of routes with Cam Newton. But I sure as hell know that as the tailing runner in a late inning one-run elimination game at HOME you don’t even THINK about the kind of lead that might get you picked off first.

Thank you #Astros & #Yankees for at least temporarily playing something recognizable as good baseball. #ALDS

#ARod now says he used PEDs because he felt “responsibility” to bounce back from injuries since the Yankees had invested so much money in him.   Again, I think,  I like “pushed into a lifeboat”  better.

NFL not moving #Chargers #Raiders game. League feels air will not be that bad, & they don’t need Oakland fans in a couple years anyway.

Weinstein “We all make mistakes.” Uh, a mistake is a bad night, a bad choice, even maybe a bad relationship. Not a decades-long pattern.

Saying young healthy people don’t need good health insurance is like saying no one who hasn’t had an accident needs car insurance.

Trump says he met with “The President of the Virgin Islands.” Can’t wait until November when Donald travels to Hawaii

Trump also proclaimed week of Oct. 15-21 “National Character Counts Week.” In related news , the Pot has proclaimed Oct 15-21 “National Black Kettle Week.”

So if you’re looking on a map is Tanzaynia next to Nambia?

 

Seriously, if Weinstein is just one of many powerful men guilty of criminal behavior then why doesn’t some actress speak up RIGHT NOW if she’s been the victim of someone else? The climate will never be more supportive and maybe we can remove another predator, or two, from a position of power.