Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

Not so long ago?

May 27, 2016

Virginia McLaurin, 107, went to her first MLB game this week at Nationals Park. 107. Wow. To put this in perspective, Ms. McLaurin was born only two years after the Cubs won their last World Series.

Mets jump on Dodgers phenom Julio ‪#‎Urias‬, 19, for 3 runs in 2.2 innings. So is that considered child abuse?

SF Giants pitchers have had an incredible run over the past two weeks. Then a day off. Now a series at Coors Field. So it must sort of have felt like the victorious Christians felt before they had to face the Lions.

 

‪#‎MattCain‬ is apparently hurt. Is it too soon for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ to talk to the ‪#‎Angels‬ about a trade for Timmy? ‪#‎Lincecum‬.

 

 

Albert Suarez may or may not have a long career for ‪#‎SFGiants‬. But he’s already joined club of ‪#‎Giants‬ pitchers with RBIs. ‪#‎PitchersWhoRake‬

Jackie Bradley Jr. went 0-4 last night, snapping his hit streak at 29 games. So he was only a little over a month away from potentially catching Dimaggio.

At the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, someone left a  pair of glasses on the floor, and museum goers figured they were art.  Well, at least SFMOMA didn’t charge a special exhibition fee for them.

Link below. #nottheOnion

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/a-pair-of-glasses-were-left-on-the-floor-at-museum-and-everyone-mistook-it-for-art-a7049551.html

 

Apparently Texas’s Nihar Janga, 11, one of the Scripps National Spelling Bee co-champions, has his own “X’ celebration display that mimicks Dez Bryant’s. And Janga went through the ritual while ignoring his co-champions attempt at a high-five.
Bryant wants to take the kid to a game. But isn’t it nice to know that in this country, now even nerds can be hot dogs. Sigh.

 

A new study shows a possible link between cell phone use and brain cancer. The survey could be flawed. Or it could be mean bitch karma being really tired of almost running into or being run into by all these idiots focused on their phones while walking, driving etc.

Marco Rubio confirmed his decision not to run for re-election to the Senate, citing the fact that he wouldn’t challenge his friend the GOP lieutenant governor who is already running. So Rubio doesn’t also want to challenge Rick Santorum’s record of losing his seat by 18 points?

Donald Trump now says he won’t debate Bernie Sanders because it would be “inappropriate.” Uh, can anyone remember a time when the Donald gave a rat’s ass about anything being “inappropriate?”

Trump is going to spend part of Sunday at the “Rolling Thunder” motorcycle rally in D.C. Hmm, this inspires a new potential nickname for the Donald – “Trolling Blunder.”

Donald Trump, in Fresno, patting himself on the back for coming to California ““No other Republican would come here for dinner.”
Surprised he didn’t add, “Not that we don’t have better restaurants at Trump Tower.”

 

 

Trump’s latest in California “There is no drought.” So is he going to have Mexico build walls to keep the rain in too?

Icing, in June?

May 25, 2016

Open note to SF Bay Area fans unused to this sort of thing — the ‪#‎StanleyCup‬ is not something you wear for protection from ‪#‎DraymondGreen

So who’d a thunk that at this point the ‪#‎SJSharks‬ would be looking better in the playoffs than the ‪#‎GoldenState‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬?

Watching Steph Curry this year in the playoffs reminds me now a bit of Chris Paul last year. Curry had that super-human effort his first game back, especially in overtime against the Blazers when he was supposed to be on a minutes count. Paul, who was also hurt, had a super-human effort to knock the Spurs out. But then he wasn’t the same afterwards.. Wonder if both games took it out of them long term.

 

Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon apparently won over some Nationals hecklers who were taunting him about having two families, by joking that he actually has three. Well, or at least we THOUGHT he was joking.

Major power outage  Wednesday in downtown ‪#‎Seattle‬. Normally this only happens to opposing teams’ hitters  who come into town to face the ‪#‎Mariners‬.

Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker says on election day that he will vote, but “I just don’t plan to vote for president.”
Once again, such a profile in courage from one of these clowns who wants voters to elect him to make tough choices.

 

Apparently after leaving office President Obama and his family are renting a $6.4 million dollar house in a nice DC neighborhood. Good thing they didn’t decide on relocating in San Francisco, for that price they’d have gotten about a two-bedroom apartment.

Bills GM Doug Whaley said today he “used a poor choice of words” when he said yesterday that football was a game humans were not designed to play.
“Poor choice” indeed. He violated the #1 rule of NFL ownership: “Thou shalt not be honest.”

Frontier Airlines removed a woman from one of their planes in Denver before takeoff when she threw a tantrum and then stripped naked. This would not have happened on United. They would have charged the other passengers an entertainment fee.

 

Texas, Alabama, Wisconsin, West Virginia, Tennessee, Maine, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Utah and Georgia are suing the Obama administration over their new transgender school directive. So good to know those states have no more serious problems to spend their tax dollars on….

 

In South Carolina, Gov. Nikki Haley signed a bill into law on that makes abortions illegal after 20 weeks unless the mother’s life is in jeopardy. Just guessing, if you’re a wealthy woman in the state needing an abortion, won’t be hard to afford a doctor to say that your life is in jeopardy.

TC reminds us “The NFL Pro Bowl will be moving to Orlando from Honolulu this year. Wallet Disney World, get ready for a true Mickey Mouse operation to compete for your Florida tourist dollars.”

 

Well blow me over.

May 25, 2016

Many Millennials may not remember Ken Starr’s relentless pursuit of Bill Clinton over his affair with Monica Lewinsky. Now Starr has reportedly been fired as President of Baylor University, over sexual assault allegations involving the football team.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.

 

Understand the frustration of Sanders supporters with the Democratic primary process and rules. But on the other hand, Bernie became a Democrat less than a year ago. It’s kind of like starting to play a sport for the first time and then complaining that you are being penalized or getting fouls called on you because you didn’t read the rule book. ‪#‎stopwhining‬

NFL chose ‪#‎Atlanta‬ over ‪#‎NewOrleans‬ for 2019 ‪#‎SuperBowl‬. “Because we’d all so much rather spend ‪#‎SuperBowlWeek‬ in Atlanta” said nobody.

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ placed Angel ‪#‎Pagan‬ on the DL for the first time in 2016. So congrats to all those who had May 14 in the pool.

So now it’s ‪#‎VinceFoster‬. Can we start a poll on which ancient Clinton conspiracy theory ‪#‎Trump‬ will bring up next?

Stephen A. Smith apologized to “all Canada, Canadians everywhere” for predicting that the Raptors would lose Monday. Now, when is he going to apologize to Americans everywhere for being Stephen A. Smith?

The TSA has fired their director. Wonder how long he’ll have to wait for his severance check.

Buffalo Bills general manager Doug Whaley said in a radio interview about football “Injuries are part of it. It’s a violent game that I personally don’t think humans are supposed to play.”
Waiting to see how much Roger Goodell fines him for this

NPR is reporting that because Uber’s app goes into power saving mode when you are running low on battery, they can tell when your phone is about to die, and they know you are then more likely to accept surge pricing. But of course the ride-sharing company would never raise prices in such a situation, said no one.

Presidential comment – Donald Trump has succeeded because he “tapped a waiting reservoir there of inherent racism.” Well, of course that’s what a black man like Obama would say. Except the comment is from Jimmy Carter. #southernman

 

 

A new report says that Donald Trump sued Deutsche Bank to try to get out of $40 million in personal loans he’d used to build the Chicago Trump International Hotel. Trump claimed he couldn’t repay those loans because the 2008 financial collapse was an act of God. Huh…an “act of God?” Well, surely now he will claim it was Hillary’s fault.

 

Playoffs ended too soon for Tim Duncan but Spurs maybe feeling a little less humiliated losing to 3 seed ‪#‎Thunder‬. ‪#‎GSWvsOKC‬ ‪#‎buzzsaw‬

‪#‎MattHarvey‬ is still strugging for the ‪#‎NYMets‬. Maybe ‪#‎Mets‬ should consider a straight up trade for ‪#‎JakePeavy‬ with ‪#‎SFGiants‬?

 

 

Rick ‪#‎Santorum‬ has endorsed ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬. Well the Donald should be thrilled to pick up both Santorum supporters.

Groin gate?

May 23, 2016

#‎NBA‬ had to decide whether or not to suspend ‪#‎DraymondGreen‬ over groin kick of ‪#‎StevenAdams‬. So once again a playoff game could have turned on deflated balls

 

New ‪#‎Warriors‬ cheer? – “Raa Raa REE! Kick ’em in the knee! Raa Raa RASS! Kick ’em in the other knee!” ‪#‎DraymondGreen‬

With the NBA upgrading Green’s kicking Adams to a Flagrant 2 foul, since Draymond also had a flagrant 1 vs. the Rockets, he is now one more  flagrant foul of any kind away from suspension. But I am sure the Thunder won’t try to provoke him

As ‪#‎Spurs‬ fan, have no dog in this fight, or rather in this kick. But does anyone really expect ‪#‎DraymondGreen‬ to say ” Of course I meant to kick him in the nuts.”

 

I guess someone forgot to tell the Toronto Raptors that the Eastern Conference NBA finals were over after game 2.

But uh oh, tonight refs called a foul on ‪#‎LeBronJames‬. Time for a congressional investigation? ‪#‎CAVSvRAPTORS‬

 

Can only imagine how much the ‪#‎NBA‬ and its advertisers love the possibility of ‪#‎Raptors‬ vs ‪#‎Thunder‬ in the finals.

Donald Trump says climate change is a “con job” and a “hoax.” But as reported by Politico, in Ireland, he wants to build a “nearly two-mile-long” stone wall to protect his golf course and hotel, citing “rising sea levels and increased storm frequency and wave energy associated with global warming.” ‪#‎nowallleftunbuilt‬ ‪#‎NottheOnion‬

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell is still free on bail while appealing his felony convictions. Now current Gov. Terry McAuliffe is apparently being investigated by the FBI over possible illegal donations to his campaign. Who does the state think it is? Illinois?

Your US post office in action. Mailing a first class 2 ounce parcel is $2.45 with tracking. Took a letter to the post office and asked if that was the cheapest way to get tracking. Nope. Must be first class certified for $3.77. Asked why I couldn’t do it as a parcel. Because it’s not in a big enough envelope. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

United Airlines is having a sale on miles. Not buying them, but simply transferring miles you have paid for and earned to another person as a gift. It’s 30% off the normal price of $15 per 1,000 miles. And airlines wonder why we hate them.

Tom Brady’s 4-game “deflategate” suspension has already been revoked by the U.S. District Court, then reinstated, and now the Patriots’ QB and his team of laywers want the case heard “by a full panel of 13 judges on the U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.” If they reject it, the appeal could go all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court.
Forget deflating footballs, can we suspend Brady for criminal waste of taxpayer money?

Apparently one of the excuses for killing those Santiago zoo lions when a man jumped into their enclosure was that since the lions had tasted a human, they’d look at humans as a food source in the future. Got news for these folks, if you jump into a lion’s home, you ARE a food source.

From Marc Ragovin  “A 54-year old custodian at Wooster Polytechnic Institute graduated from the school this past week with a degree in mechanical engineering. And after reading about the job prospects for 54-year old mechanical engineers, he returned to his job as custodian..

 

Decisions, decisions

May 22, 2016

 

Thousands of San Francisco fans who went to the Giants Cubs game and felt bad about missing the ‪#‎Warriors‬ vs ‪#‎Thunder‬ are feeling a lot better about their decision

 

And a national ‪#‎ESPN‬ audience just found out why ‪#‎SFGiants‬ mantra is ‪#‎WedontneednostinkinDH‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬ ‪#‎Pitcherswhorake‬

Meanwhile, Buster Olney reported on ESPN that today was the latest date in the MLB season since 1947 for the Cubs and Giants to play each other with both teams in first place.  Once again, hope this isn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

But Billy Donovan works all year to get the Thunder focused.  And looks like – for now –  what it really took was Draymond Green’s kick to Steven Adam’s groin.

 

Dodgers win 9-5 in 17 innings over the Padres. San Diego then gets on a plane to San Francisco, where they play the Giants tomorrow.   Pitcher Drew Pomeranz is starting.  Assume he’s been told he’s pitching a complete game.

So is there a 17th inning stretch? ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Padres‬

Not to say Lebron flopped  Saturday night, but he fell faster and harder without a serious hit than Jeb Bush’s one-time poll numbers.

 

Still kind of a surfeit of riches in the SF Bay Area, with the Warriors and Sharks in the playoff semi-finals, and the Giants in first place. Fortunately for fans of humility, the 49ers’ training camp is right around the corner.

 

 

When I see all these ‪#‎GameofThrones‬ posts I understand how my non-sports fan friends must feel about all my sports posts.

 

A two-day sting in Simpsonville, S.C., netted 54 arrests, 28 accused prostitutes and 26 men accused of soliciting them. Simpsonsville has a population of about 20,000. There really must not be much to do in town.

Two Tennessee pastors were arrested this weekend for answering an online ad to have sex with an underage girl. So add another category to those we want to keep out of public bathrooms?

From T.C. “Phil Mickelson is planning to change that KPMG hat that he wears to KMPG – Keep My Personal Gains.”

 

Okay, time for one of those serious snarky posts again. Americans are nervous about terrorism, and we give up a lot of our liberties and spend billions for safety. Yet, in the U.S. last year, over 1,000 women were killed as a result of domestic violence. Where’s the fear, outrage, and $$$$?

And down the stretch they stumble

May 21, 2016

Today was the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Otherwise known to millions as the race  that answers the question. “Do we care about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ this year?”

#‎Exaggerator‬ wins the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Hope this isn’t an omen about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬

Saturday’s rainy ‪#‎Preakness‬ Stakes had almost as much mud flying around as the Presidential race.

 

Now that ‪#‎Exaggerator‬ has won the ‪#‎Preakness‬ is he telling other horses about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ and his potential ‪#‎TripleCrown‬ win?

While the Preakness was a good race, the sad story at Pimlico was that two other horse died earlier at the track today, one from a heart attack after winning a race, one after falling and breaking her leg. But wonder how many people are decrying horse racing while taking another bite of their hamburger or hot dog.

The Oklahoma legislature is calling for the impeachment of President Obama over his bathroom rights directive, which they say is “biblically wrong.” Fine then, if it’s all about morals, shouldn’t they also be trying to get that “I’m just a girl who can’t say no” song out of their state musical? ‪#‎OklahomanotOK‬

Apparently some Americans are rethinking travel to Europe in the wake of 66 people being killed in the Egypt Air crash. So they’ll stay home and drive this summer, where about 3,000 of us will get killed each month on the roads.

Another day, more plumbing issues at O.co Coliseum before ‪#‎As‬ ‪#‎Yankees‬ game. Insert “sh*tty baseball teams” joke here”:

A Willie Mays 1952 Topps rookie card just sold for $478,000 at auction. And millions of men thinking of their own childhood collections are silently screaming “Mom!!”

 

Have many wonderful ‪#‎Cubs‬ fan friends. For some reason they are a little quieter today than yesterday. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Matt Cain, who hadn’t had a win since last July, had his first win for the #SFGiants in 2016, along with his first hit, a two-run double. And the Giants hung on to win 5-3 So clearly the way Cain needs to win is simply supply his own RBIs.

Although closer Santiago Casilla,  who gave up a  home run to start the 9th in a a 5-2 game, once again did his best to stimulate alcohol sales around the San Francisco Bay Area. ‪#‎Torture‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

In Santiago, two zoo lions were shot and killed after they mauled a man who jumped into their enclosure. Poor cats. And what a shame. Deprived the guy of a Darwin and the zoo of a reduced food bill.

For better, for worse, or for trade-in?

May 19, 2016

It’s a strange world when the U.S. Presidential candidate who has been married three times and had countless affairs is attacking the marriage of the one who has been with the same spouse for 41 years.

Evil thought for the night, when is someone going to ask Trump if he’s been faithful to Melania?

 

Two people are recovering in Augusta, Kansas, after a shooting during a high school graduation.  The “shooter” had his gun in his sock, it apparently went off accidentally when he was adjusting the weapon because it was uncomfortable. ‪#‎ifonlythestudentswerearmed‬

Just think, had their offers been accepted ‪#‎SFGiants‬ could have both ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ & ‪#‎ZackGreinke‬ on this year’s payroll.

After two complete games back to back for the SF Giants pitching staff, Jeff Samardzija goes 8 innings allowing only 1 earned run. Wimp.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ bullpen pitchers are a competitive group. So no doubt they are keeping focused – wonder who’s the current Angry Birds champion?

Two SF Giants, Lopez and Span, will be serving as baristas for an hour at two Peet’s coffee locations in San Francisco on June 7. Of course, this being the high-tech community no doubt some customers will only wonder “how fast can they serve coffee?

When the Braves fired manager Fredi Gonzalez, he found out about it mid-road trip, via an email saying he had a flight back to Atlanta the next day. Sounds like the team handled the firing about as well as they’ve handled everything else this season.

A new poll found that 90% of Native Americans aren’t offended by the Washington Redskins’ nickname. 90% of Washingtonians, however, are offended by the team’s sh*tty play.

‪#‎MorleySafer‬ 84, has died. Sad. He only lasted about 60 minutes after retirement.

 

Donald Trump will use lawyer A.B. Culvahouse Jr to vet his V.P. picks, the same lawyer who vetted options for John McCain in 2008. And that worked out so well….

Donald Trump, quick to condemn the Egypt Air crash as another terrorist attack. Seems likely. But “airplane departed from Paris. When will we get tough, smart and vigilant?”
So now Trump is going to tell these other countries he insults how to run their security?

A lawsuit claims that Facebook illegally scans private messages for marketing purposes. And this is news how? ‪#‎therearenoprivatemessages‬

The Oklahoma legislature has passed that would make performing an abortion, except to save the life of the mother, a felony.
Well, at least the way the Thunder played last night doesn’t look like sports fans will have to worry much longer about spending money in the state this spring.

Well, it’s good to see Marco Rubio back working hard in the Senate. The Florida Legislature wants a new statue, replacing one of a Confederate Army general, at the U.S. Capitol building. And Rubio tweeted out ““Here’s suggestion for ‪#‎Florida‬ which looking 4 help replacing state statue in U.S. Capitol.” With a picture of Tim Tebow. ‪#‎priorities‬

From T.C.  “Texas second baseman Rougned Odor was handed an eight game suspension for his part in the brawl vs the Blue Jays. This will give him enough time to sign an endorsement contract with Hawaiian Punch.

Not to be outdone, look for Jose Baustista to sign a contract with Odor Eaters.”


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