Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

Cheers and jeers

August 6, 2017

Dolphins sign Jay Cutler reportedly in part because fans were unhappy about the idea of Kaepernick. Chicago Bears fans are just giggling.

Jay Cutler is apparently going to come out of retirement and sign with the Dolphins. So how many teams will now get calls from Brett Favre?

 

Nothing is certain except death, taxes, and that the SF pitching to Goldschmidt is a really stupid idea.

Falcons CB Jalen Collins suspended the first 10 games of 2017 for PEDs, after being suspended the first 4 games in 2016 for PEDs.  Is the 2nd suspension for drugs or stupidity?

After watching Mets get obliterated by Dodgers,  and the Giants actually looking good in winning two games in a row, thinking maybe New York should take a page out of the San Francisco Panda playbook and bring up at this point a minor-league talent – Tebow.

RIP #DarrenDaulton. Really sad to watch stars you’ve watched play pass away. Sadder when they’re younger than you.

 

Two former rowers on U Washington’s men’s team have been charged with sharing videos of them having sex with drunk women, including two who don’t remember the incidents.
The men were kicked off the team when the allegations first surfaced. Heck of a way to show rowers could be the equal of big-time college athletes.


CNN.com  headline – “beloved celebrity couple calls it quits.” So, okay, I clicked on the story – “Anna Faris and Chris Pratt have filed for separation.”

All together now, “who?”

The manufacturer of the Fireball ride that broke apart at the Ohio State fair, killing one and injuring seven, said “excessive corrosion on the interior of the gondola support beam dangerously reduced the beam’s wall thickness over the years.”
But hey, let’s get rid of more pesky regulations.

Ah online reviews…. Was looking for a hotel in a certain area of Dubai. W Hotel on the Palm has 4.2 ranking out of 5, 26 reviews. Which sounds great except for one thing. It is under construction and NOT OPEN YET.

Chris Christie -Mueller’s convening of a grand jury is a “normal step.” As a former prosecutor he should know what it’s a “normal step” towards.

Minn. Gov. Mark Dayton called mosque bombing “act of terrorism,” following in footsteps of Pres. Trump. Oh wait, crickets. Never mind.

Trump is now quoting @protrump45, supposedly a young black conservative woman, who is actually a bot. What’s next- voting rights for bots?
Why hasn’t Trump,on his “working vacation”, tweeted anything about missing Marines in Australia. Because no way to blame on Obama or Hillary?
#MikePence says running in 2020 story “latest attempt by media to divide this administration.” Actually Trump divides them quite well on his own.
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Journalist Julia Ioffe, slamming Trump’s proposed immigration policy. “When you ask Trump supporters, they don’t care because she’s a different — she’s the right kind of immigrant.”
“She is a beautiful white woman from Europe, and we like those. Even though she doesn’t have a college degree.”
Well, yeah, and she’s willing to do the kind of jobs Americans won’t do… like marrying Donald.
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What were the odds?

July 31, 2017

Pete Rose now accused of statutory rape over alleged relationship with 14 yr-old when he was 34. He says he thought she was 16.  #showertime

Why there is no satire: On the subject of signing Kaepernick Ravens beat writer Jeff Zrebiec reports Baltimore owner talked to Ray Lewis. #WTF?

Jets rookie Jamal Adams during a CTE discussion.”Literally, if I had a perfect place to die, I would die on the field. And that’s not a lie. So how many concussions has Adams already had?

Dodgers loading up as World Series favorites. Wonder if they’re planning the same rings as the 2001 Mariners

LA Clippers forward Danilo Gallinari punched an opponent and injured his thumb in an exhibition game in Italy. The 2017-18 NBA schedule isn’t even out yet and already the Clippers are in midseason form.

 

For 10,000 miles, United Airlines is offering Mileage Plus members a “watch party,” which the chance to watch a road game for the 49ers on the big screen at Levi’s Stadium, complete with complimentary food, beverages and of course, traffic.
So are they asking for 10,000 miles, or giving them?

“Dear Twitter – is it possible to undelete Tweets?” – Asking for a friend. Sincerely, A. Scaramucci.

Scaramucci is OUT as White House Communications Director. Wow. So congrats to those brave people who had July 31 in the pool.

Somewhere in the bushes, #SeanSpicer is giggling uncontrollably.

#Scaramucci violated number 1 White House rule – you cannot be a crazier narcissistic media whore than the boss.

“I’m just a rich boy, I need no sympathy
Because I’m easy come, easy go, little high, little low…. @scaramucci

Can anyone imagine what it would be like if we DID have WH chaos?

Well, to be fair, Trump is used to a format where the poorest contributor gets fired every week. #PresidentialApprentice

“Did nobody tell Trump that today’s #MLBTradeDeadline didn’t apply to White House positions?”

 

Getting sense if @realDonaldTrump said, “Yeah, I colluded w/ Russia AND I orchestrated coverup” many of his supporters would still back him.

Legislative director Marc Short -White House expects tax reform to move quickly in Congress this fall  – through the House in October and the Senate in November.   Standby for “who knew tax reform was so complicated?

Politico says Ivanka Trump “desperately wants to lower expectations of what she can achieve.” Mission accomplished.

Trump to a reporter today “We will handle North Korea. We are gonna be able to handle them. It will be handled. We handle everything.”
He does know “handle” and “grope” are not the same thing?

Apparently there are now weekly bible study meetings at the White House. Just guessing the Ten Commandments aren’t included.

 

So just imagine if you’ve been on 2 week vacation without internet & got back today ready for the latest craziness from Sean Spicer.

Will being insane enough to take a job in the Trump White House qualify as a pre-existing condition? #Healthcare

Shouldn’t all positions in Trump White House have “interim” title?

 

A really good blow-dry. #ThingsThatLastedLongerThanTheMooch

Buying time.

June 22, 2017

LaVar Ball says that Lonzo will “take the Lakers to the playoffs in his first year.” So is he buying them tickets?

White Sox and Twins started a game after 4 hr & 50 min rain delay. 4 hours & 50 min!? That’s almost as long as average Red Sox Yankees game.

Derek Jeter apparently has told Major League Baseball he is looking for other investor as he still doesn’t have enough money to buy the Marlins.
Well, he can always make up the money in a year by charging Yankee Stadium beer prices.

Cubs sending struggling World Series star Kyle Schwarber to Triple-A. Can #SFGiants do that with (almost) their entire team?

 

In last week #SFGiants have had games where they scored, 8, 9 and 11 runs. And they lost all three.

Bill Cosby wants to do a series of town halls to tell young people how to avoid being charged with sexual assault. Step 1- become a big celebrity.

Los Angeles police arrested a man and his son for allegedly keeping 44 pounds of cocaine at their unlicensed day care. What was their first clue…. a really really bouncy house?

#PlannedParenthood defunded, coverage for Viagra remains. You’d almost think GOP #HeathcareBill was put together by old white men.

Since Trumpcare cuts Medicaid it’s a good thing that contraception is covered so fewer poor people will be born…. Oh wait, never mind.

A man from the Bronx was arrested yesterday at JFK Airport before he boarded a flight to Istanbul, allegedly to join ISIS. #Wearegoingtoneedabiggertravelban

Trump has chosen a site for his big DC re-election fundraiser- the Trump hotel. “I’m shocked,” said nobody.

Trump finally says there are no tapes on day GOP Trumpcare abomination bill is revealed. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

In Feb. #Trump gave a jobs speech at Boeing in South Carolina. Today, plant announced they would lay off 200. Surely this is Obama’s fault

 

Trump announced Jamie McCourt, former co-owner of the Los Angeles will be the U.S. ambassador to Belgium. Hasn’t the country suffered enough?

So time for one of my serious comments : Darryl Hamilton was killed two years ago yesterday, June 22, 2015, shot in a murder-suicide by an estranged ex-girlfriend, the mother of his youngest son. She had pleaded guilty in 2008 to felony arson for burning her ex-husband’s house down in 2006… after trying to douse him in gasoline. She received 10 years probation, which prohibited her from having a gun, but a judge terminated it early in 2010, so the weapon she used was legal.

Didn’t know Hamilton that well, but he was in my experience a thoughtful, funny really nice guy who liked talking sports AND politics.  Adored his kids.  Didn’t always adore United Airlines, though he was good humored about it –  a fun and down to earth client.  He was liked, even beloved by others in baseball who knew him well.  And his ex was clearly a disturbed woman.

Laws don’t prevent all crimes. But in this country it is way too damned easy to get a gun. Period. #whenwillweeverlearn

The odds are good but the odds are odd?

May 18, 2017

No joke, there’s actually a “Bachelorette Fantasy League” on ESPN. And if you are already signed up, you just might be in need of a life.

United Airlines has purchased naming rights to the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. Makes sense, rooting for USC is a real drag.

Freddie Freeman, NL home-run leader, was hit by pitch and has fractured left wrist, will be out 2 months plus. Braves coming to AT&T Park next weekend, so SF Giants fans won’t get a chance to see him. Giants pitchers may not mind too much.

Steve Kerr just followed Popovich in slamming Trump. Lebron campaigned w/ Hillary. “Failing NBA” tweets in 3.2.1…. #spurs #warriors #cavs

 

 

Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar was upset that Jason Motte struck him out on a quick pitch, so he yelled an anti-gay slur at the Braves reliever. At this point Pillar should be suspended for a combination of inappropriate language AND stupidity.

Trump may stop Sean Spicer’s daily press briefings. Can we start a GoFundMe campaign to have Melissa McCarthy do one in his place? @NBCSNL

 

If Trump really believes it’s a “witch hunt” perhaps he could do the test of jumping in Potomac to see if he sinks or not?

“Biggest witch hunt in history” said man who for years was chasing a debunked birth certificate rumor.

How long until Americans can legitimately be diagnosed with CTFS – Chronic Trump Fatigue Syndrome?

A 42 year old man died yesterday after falling over a railing onto his head after a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Sad. I suppose no need to include in the story that alcohol may have been involved.

Suppose if I’m dead I won’t care. But it’s really sad that if I end up killed by a car driven by a legal resident of the US who is drunk or too old to drive, it would be a one-day story. Whereas if it was a Muslim or illegal immigrant I’d be a posthumous poster child.

After  Times Square car crash today good to see Donald  Trump immediately demand more mental health $$ for vets. Oh, wait, never mind.

Suspect in Times Square crash has at least  3 prior arrests, and possible “psychological problems.” Just the kind of guy whose rights the House was thinking about protecting when they overturned Obama gun law. #ifonlyhewasarmed

Trump lies, Pence apparently lied about Flynn, Ryan could be complicit. This could be turning into real-life version of Designated Survivor.

“If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Waiting for Roger Ailes blank page obituaries.

Bill O’Reilly says of Roger Ailes that “hatred killed him.” Sexual harassment on other hand, is probably good for women’s health. #WTF?

Really makes you feel old not just when music legend dies, but when you didn’t know his music AND he was younger than you. #ChrisCornell

 

If Trump REALLY thought Dems would be ok w/  Joe Lieberman as FBI director that’s actually scarier than if he wants Joe just to p*ss them off

 

From Marc Ragovin,  “There is a movement brewing in New York to impeach the Mets bullpen.”

Come-y on

May 3, 2017

Mildly nauseous” has now become a pre-existing condition for millions of Americans.

Should be no place for racial hatred at Fenway Park. Real Red Sox fans know that all hateful comments should be directed at the Yankees.

 

Twenty-one airlines, one-third of the carriers who use the airport, are moving terminals at Los Angeles International,  on May 12-14-16. Good thing LAX is usually a such a calm experience. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong

Lebron James, angry w/ beer company sending marketing tweet when he picked up bottle during game, indicates he’s a wine guy. Right, spelled w/ an H.

A travel story headline on Miami rooftop bars “because you didn’t come to Miami to stay indoors.”  Clearly written by someone who’s never been in FL summers.

A Florida judge called out USF football coach Charlie Strong after a player was charged with “sexual battery and false imprisonment” less than two months after another was charged with aggravated assault. In Strong’s defense is he just showing he’s ready to coach an NFL team?

Anyone outside of hardcore Spurs & Washington Huskies fans heard of Dejounte Murray? You’re probably about to. #GoSpursGo #TonyParker

Wouldn’t it be fun if Queen had just decided to troll Trump by making sure that #BuckinghamPalace had early morning headlines for a change?

Think Trump might start caring about climate change if we could convince him it might damage his golf courses?

Trump apparently will sign an Executive Order defending “religious liberty” as reason for discrimination. Calling all wiccans!

So women who practice the Goddess religion will no longer be required to serve men? #LicensetoDiscriminate

Just because we don’t like to hear Hillary Clinton make excuses doesn’t mean she’s wrong.

 

Many complaining about Hillary’s election excuses were fine supporting a man who even wouldn’t promise to accept results if he lost.

 

Trump says he will work as “mediator, an arbitrator or a facilitator” to broker peace between Israelis and Palestinians.  Two months from now “who knew that the Mideast could be so complicated?”

Would #FireColbert be getting less traction with conservatives if Stephen excused his anti-Trump rant as locker room banter?

Many complaining about Hillary’s election excuses were fine supporting a man who even wouldn’t promise to accept results if he lost.

Losing it.

May 2, 2017

Greg Hardy says he’s “not a f*cking psychopath.” Right, and he doesn’t have anger issues either.

Raiders top draft pick Gareon Conley’s first said “nothing happened” the night he was accused of rape. Now TMZ reports he said, he said he received “brief oral sex” from his accuser.
So oral sex is nothing. Does this guy want to be an NFL player or run for President?

Real simple solution for #RedSox: Get name, address of anyone behaving like fans did w/ #AdamJones & ban them from buying tickets to Fenway.

But really Red Sox fans, Boston at this point should be better than this.  Racial taunts are never appropriate. And really obnoxious taunts should be saved for the Yankees.

So Joe Mixon has an NFL job and Colin Kaepernick doesn’t. Controversy is clearly a distant 2nd in the league to perceived talent.

Stephen Curry’s was asked what he’s going to do on the Warriors’ day off in Salt Lake City –  “I won’t be riding a dirt bike.”

Too soon?  Mean bitch karma might tell Steph to be careful walking down hotel steps. #pagingJeremyAffeldt

SF Giants pitcher Matt Moore got staked to a 4-0 lead in the top of the 2nd inning against the Dodgers, and then, after a 7 pitch 1st,  promptly gave back 6 runs in the bottom of the inning.  Not much silver lining but maybe a bit of solace for Giants fans who have wondered “if only Bochy had let Moore go one more inning in the 2016 NLDS game 4 against the Cubs.”

Alabama’s Nick Saban will be paid $11.125 million this season. But heaven forbid someone buy one of his college football players dinner.

American Airlines is reducing legroom on some of their flights within the US from 31 to 29 inches. Wonder if they will allow you to put your knees in checked baggage free of charge.

Biggest mistake made with the #fyrefestival? Not hiring Sean Spicer to tell the world how great it was.

 

Understand Hillary still being focused on losing close election maybe she should have won. Can’t understand Trump’s obsession. #sorewinner

Wonder how much we’d need to raise on a #GoFundMe page to get @realDonaldTrump to go back to that previous life he loved so much?

 

“Compassionate conservatism?” GOP Rep. Pittenger on Trumpcare pre-existing conditions. “People can go to state that they want to live in,”

 

Alabama Rep. Mo Brooks on CNN. “My understanding is that (the new Trumpcare) will allow insurance companies to require people who have higher health care costs to contribute more to the insurance pool. That helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives, they’re healthy, they’ve done the things to keep their bodies healthy. And right now, those are the people — who’ve done things the right way — that are seeing their costs skyrocketing.”
Right, because cancer only happens to people who have led bad lives? #WTF?

Trump  tweets – “change rules now to 51%. Country needs a good “shutdown” in Sept. to fix mess!”      But imagine what Obama could have done without filibuster

Austin police say the a man was “suffering from mental health issues” when he allegedly killed a student and injured three others with a hunting knife.  He just had a hunting knife?  Maybe the guy didn’t know the GOP had overturned an Obama rule in order to defend his 2nd amendment rights.

Just do it?

May 1, 2017

So would all these folks mad at Obama for getting $400,000 a speech be less upset if he signed an NBA shoe contract?

RB Elijah Holyfriend may be suspended from the U Georgia football team after he was arrested and charged with “possession of marijuana of less than an ounce and possession and use of drug related objects.”
You’d think this sort of thing would be a great recruiting tool for Colorado, Washington and Oregon.

Buster Posey has just doubled his home run total for the year with that solo shot off Kershaw  Now tied with Bumgarner.  #SFGiants

Brewers OF Ryan Braun is out of the lineup because of “tightness in his right trapezius.” Feeling old. I remember when players didn’t have trapezii.
Noah Syndergaard on DL & a Met fan tweeted “my wife left me, but this is worse.” Wonder what he’d be tweeting if a SF Giants fan?
Get out the violins. When asked if the Warriors preferred to play the Clippers or Jazz. Matt Barnes – “No comparison. There’s no nightlife in Utah.” Andre Iguoudala -“The problem with Utah is that you’re just sitting there and your mind is, like, dead, because in L.A., you still got energy for the game.” #seriousfirstworldproblems
So the San Diego gunman was white, he was shooting at black people around a pool. Many are injured and 1 woman is dead. Where’s the tweet from Trump on this one?
SCOTUS declined to hear appeal of a California gay conversion therapy ban. Who says there’s zero good news out of Washington? #smallmercies
Amazing how some of people furious Obama is making $$$ after leaving White House seem to have no problem w/ Trump making $$$ IN White House.
Apparently more than two-dozen passengers were hurt, some requiring hospitalization, when an Aeroflot flight from Moscow to Bangkok encountered turbulence today.
Not that I wish harm on anyone, well almost anyone, but if you’re flying, not heading to or in the lavatory, and don’t have your seat belt on, well, that IS a wannabe Darwin award. #cantfixstupid
It’s only May 1st, and Trump bidding for the quote of the month:
“I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart, and he was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, “There’s no reason for this.” People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, you think about it, why?” #WTF?
No idea what Donald Trump’s favorite school subject was. But think we’re pretty sure it wasn’t history. Or for that matter science.

If Abraham Lincoln was any good at all he’d have gotten the Gettysburg Address down to 140 characters.

So when are we going to see @realDonaldTrump tweet saying Ulysses S. Grant could have avoided World War I?

 

If Trump really wants to know what Andrew Jackson felt about the Civil War, why doesn’t he ask John McCain, who served with him?

Sean Spicer on Kim Jong-Un ” he assumed power at a young age… and he’s obviously managed to lead a country forward.” Forward to what? Although in his rivals’ cases maybe into a firing squad… #pagingMelissaMcCarthy

Is there an outrageous statement contest at the White House we don’t know about? Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago meeting with China’s President. “Just as dessert was being served, the president explained to Mr. Xi he had something he wanted to tell him, which was the launching of 59 missiles into Syria. It was in lieu of after-dinner entertainment.” And he added “the thing was, it didn’t cost the president anything to have that entertainment.”
Yeah, missiles are entertainment. And they are free…. #WTF?

“I, Donald J Trump, would have prevented the Civil War, WWI AND WWII. If only they had listened to me.” #TrumpTeachesHistory