Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category

Houston, where are we?

February 22, 2017

The Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum is sending the Apollo 11 Command Module on a tour around the U.S. to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. 50 years?! Wow. Assume the capsule will travel cross country with its left blinker on.

After receiving a new NCAA notice of allegations that brings the total to 21, Ole Miss officials announced they are self-imposing a one-year bowl ban for the 2017 season.
What a shame after their great 2016 bowl appearance…. oh, wait, they were 5-7. Never mind.

 

Rumors are that Kirk Cousins might be traded from the Redskins to the 49ers. Would be the owner equivalent of going from one frying pan into a younger frying pan.

 

In April, McDonald’s will have a promotion where all soft drinks, even the extra-large size, will be only $1. Using the restroom, however, may be $5.

“7 Earth-size planets found orbiting nearby star” How long until Trump takes credit for making galaxy great again. HUGE

 

So this intentional walk change in MLB is for real. Got a better idea with same time results, let the pitcher still throw his 4 pitches, but take one of the between-inning commercials and put it on half the screen. Then shorten one of those breaks. #dontmesswithbaseball

Kellyanne Conway hasn’t been seen lately. Wonder if she’s in the same “undisclosed location” they used to put Dick Cheney?

From Politico article talking to Trump associates “Leaving him alone for several hours can prove damaging, because he consumes too much television and gripes to people outside the White House.”
So basically Twitter has become his way of screaming “You punks get off my lawn?”

If protestors were paid as often as @POTUS & @PressSec seem to think they are, they’d be rich enough to vote GOP.

Pence says GOP will bring “individual responsibility back to American health care.” In other words, if you’re sick it’s your responsibility.

So if transgender bathrooms are a states’ rights issue, does that mean that, for example, marijuana is too?

 

As much as some conservatives freak out, guessing most have been in bathrooms with transgenders & HAVEN’T EVEN NOTICED.

 

It’s as dangerous to allow trans kids in school bathrooms  as it was to visit Bowling Green during the massacre. #ProtectTransKids

 

Reportedly six White House staffers left last week after failing FBI background checks. Considering some of the stories on those who DID make it through, even to the Cabinet, you do have to wonder what these guys did.

 

 

Marc Ragovin FTW

Lakers President Jeanie Buss has fired her brother Jim because of the team’s poor record. “Amateur,” said Kim Jong-Un

There’s a Magic.

February 21, 2017

Lakers President #JeannieBuss fired her brother today. Well, at least they have 9 months to get over it before Thanksgiving.

Magic Johnson has now been promoted to president of basketball operations for the Lakers. Of course what the team really needs is a vintage Magic PLAYING for the Lakers.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Magic Johnson.  But how about all those those NBA titles Michael Jordan won as an owner?

MLB may change the intentional walk rule for 2017 to allow for a dugout signal instead of four actual pitches out of the strike zone So if a manager changes pitchers, then a pinch-hitter results in the decision for an IBB a relief pitcher could lose the game without throwing the ball once.

Sammy Sosa, who still denies taking PEDs, told a Cubs employee in an interview ““It’s like Jesus Christ when he came to Jerusalem. Everybody thought Jesus Christ was a witch, and he was our savior. So if they talk s–t about Jesus Christ, what about me? Are you kidding me?”
Uh, if Sosa’s mentioning Jesus shouldn’t it be less a comparison and more like “Jesus wept?”

 

A-Rod says there is a “zero percent” chance he will play major league baseball again. “So you are saying there’s a chance?”

A hearing underway to determine if a then 71-year old man can use the “Stand Your Ground” defense for fatally shooting a 43-year old man 3 years ago in a movie theater. Apparently the shooter, a retired cop, had told the younger man to stop texting, and during the argument the victim threw popcorn at him.
Yeah, did you have to ask? Florida.

My friend Pat found this quote during a Parliamentary debate on whether or not to allow Trump a State visit to England, Paul Flynn of the Labour Party said ” the President’s intelligence level is protozoan”.
Only problem, Trump probably thinks “protozoan” is a compliment.

Clearly what Trump meant to say when he criticized Obama is that a President should only play golf on courses he owns.

#ChrisBrown‘s latest ex has had restraining order filed against him for alleged abuse. Congrats to all those who had 2/21/2017 in the pool.

Milo Yiannopoulos has “resigned” from Breitbart, “effective immediately.” So guess there really was a floor after all on “How low can you go?

The DOJ reports a Missouri man, Robert Hester, was charged after allegedly trying to launch a terrorist attack in the U.S. supporting ISIS (Fortunately, he was working with undercover law enforcement personnel instead of real terrorists.
Hester is a U.S. Citizen, born in Missouri. Yeah, those refugee and other visa bans are really going to keep us safe….

“When he said that the fake news media is not my enemy, it’s the enemy of the American people, I believe that crosses an important line. It’s a different thing when it’s a president — because if it’s a president you like trying to talk about the press being the enemy of the people, then it’s going to be a president you don’t like saying the same thing. And that’s very dangerous.”

Another commie-pinko attacking Trump? Nope. Chris Wallace of Fox News.’

So Trump is now tweeting angrily that “The so-called angry crowds in home districts of some Republicans are actually, in numerous cases, planned out by liberal activists. Sad!”
But everyone who shows up at his rallies is a hard-working decent American patriot. Got it.

In all seriousness, if one of the best ways to fight terrorism is for members of the community to come forward – “If you see something say something” – but coming forward might now get you deported, isn’t Trump working on making America much LESS safe?

 

Same people accusing media of inciting fear among immigrants and foreign-looking Americans with random stories of deportation seem to have no problem with Trump and company inciting fear with random and often fake stories of terrorism

Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

Falling towards spring.

February 15, 2017

Royals pitcher Brian Flynn apparently injured himself by falling through the roof of his barn. Was he washing his truck at the time?

Magic Johnson says on fixing the Lakers that he “wants Kobe to be a part of it.” Well, guess Magic doesn’t think one problem is team chemistry.

The Marlins have lifted their ban on facial hair. So did the team decide they might as well mollify players since they won’t get a chance for playoff beards.

 

All outraged people out there, write yourselves a note, do whatever you need to put it in calendar for next election. “VOTE VOTE VOTE.”

Okay, is it too soon to start a pool on when #kelleyannconway might resign to spend more time with her family?

So is it too early to add @realDonaldTrump to Trump administration resignation bingo game?

 

What if this was all simply a plot to put Mike Pence in the White House?

Trump tweeting his Nothing-to-see-here with Michael Flynn. “The real story here is why are there so many illegal leaks coming out of Washington? Will these leaks be happening as I deal on N.Korea etc?”
Uh, Donald, who needs illegal leaks when you share your dealings with N. Korea with everyone in the MarALago dining room?

Sean Spicer says Flynn resigned. Kellyanne Conway says Trump asked him to resign. Melissa McCarthy and Kate McKinnon better not plan on any Saturday nights off for a while.

So Kellyanne Conway says Flynn resigned because he “knew he’d become a lightning rod.” And he was making the other lightning rods jealous?

Sean Spicer “Irony of situation is President has been incredibly tough on Russia.” Is this some weird political remake of 50 Shades?

 

Sean Spicer -Trump “had an incredibly productive set of meetings & discussions w/ Prime Minster Joe Trudeau of Canada.” To be fair, neither Spicer nor Trump speak Canadian.

CNN is reporting Moscow has deployed a cruise missile in an apparent treaty violation. Uh oh, does that mean Trump might threaten not to send Putin as big a bouquet next Valentine’s Day?

 

 

William Henry Harrison, 32 days, shortest Presidential term ever. So @realDonaldTrump still has 7 days to break record.

from don sherman

“A lot of people are upset that President Trump a phone call on an unsecured phone in front of hundreds of people. REALLY!!!

They should be questioning was, at the time they just served a wedge of ICEBERG lettuce with Blue Cheese dressing.
Iceberg lettuce is the cheapest, least nutritious there is. It cost about a dollar ahead, and can produce 6-8 wedges per head. And he is using it for a state dinner? And an even more important question.

Did it come from California or MEXICO?”

I believe in the church of baseball

February 9, 2017

Baseball will test a rule in the minors automatically to put a runner on 2nd base starting in extra innings. Where is Kevin Costner and his Bull Durham rant when we REALLY need him. “I believe in the soul….”

Lefthanded pitcher Javier Lopez, 39, has announced his retirement from MLB. “So young?” responded Jamie Moyer.

The Cleveland Browns have reduced prices on 40% of their season tickets. It’s a good start. How long until the team starts paying people to show up?

Sean Spicer is talking about terror attack on #Atlanta. Ok, it was awful, but maybe he should “dial it back” a bit about the ending of the Super Bowl.

Former Knicks star Charles Oakley, 53 was arrested at MSG and charged with assault after “screaming abuse” at owner James Dolan, and fighting with security guards. Long-suffering NY fans have to be thinking, he put up a better fight than the team usually does.

When Jeff Sessions is sworn in as Attorney General will they raise the Confederate Flag at the U.S. Capitol?

Many parents have a memory of toddler pushing limits w/ increasing craziness just to see how far s/he could go. Now we just turn on news in the morning….

 

Reports are that at least two candidates have turned Donald Trump down to be White House communications director. Presumably they prefer something like a janitorial job at the National Zoo, where they could clean up after real elephants.

Now Trump is angrily tweeting about Nordstrom for dropping his daughter’s clothing line “My daughter Ivanka has been treated so unfairly by @Nordstrom. She is a great person — always pushing me to do the right thing! Terrible!”
So good to see the President focused on the really important issues of our time.

So now Trump’s blast at Nordstrom has been retweeted by the official @Potus account. Can only imagine what happens if stores stop selling his Trump branded steaks, wine, etc. Wait, is anyone actually selling them now?

So now Trump’s blast at Nordstrom has been retweeted by the official @Potus account. Can only imagine what happens if stores stop selling his Trump branded steaks, wine, etc. Wait, is anyone actually selling them now?

So after tweeting “If the ban were announced with a one week notice, the “bad” would rush into our country during that week. A lot of bad “dudes” out there! Trump is now saying that he wanted to give a month’s notice on the travel ban, but was overruled by “law enforcement officials.”
Wow. The buck apparently stops under the bus with whoever he throws there.

So at what point in Northern California will the nightly storm stories on the news make us just a bit nostalgic for drought stories?

The British Guardian newspaper reports on a rumor that Trump will appoint Sarah Palin as ambassador to Canada. Is this part of a Trump secret plan to build a Northern wall, and have Canada pay for it?

 

 

Fighting for air?

February 8, 2017

Patriots RB James White says he doesn’t know what happened to the football he scored the winning touchdown with in Super Bowl 51. “I actually don’t know what I did with it. I left it on the ground and started running.”
Well, at least there’s no way for the NFL to check if the ball was deflated.

Falcons have picked interim Crimson Tide offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian as  their new OC. Does Atlanta know Alabama was winless in the Sarkisian area?

Golden State Warriors are rewarding their loyal season ticket holders with a 15-25% price increase next season. But just imagine how inexpensive 2017-2018 tickets will seem compared to those in the new SF arena.

 

 

A United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Kauai today developed autopilot problems and circled for hours before landing back at SFO more than 3 hours after takeoff. Now for the really important question, did passengers get extra miles for all that circling?

Hate to say it but #DeVos incompetency might limit her damage. What if Trump replaced her w/ smarter person w/ same view

While we’re changing all the rules in this country can we eliminate the 22nd amendment?

Trump this morning starts out a tweet with “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia….” Does he type these with a straight face?

Trump tweeted today that he doesn’t know Putin. But in a 2013 MSNBC interview he said “I do have a relationship” with Putin.
No wonder Trump hates the media; they have this bad habit of reporting on what he says.

So Betsy Devos is now our Secretary of Education. Yeah, maybe our schools have been wrong in teaching children about the value of study and hard work as far as getting ahead. They should be teaching “How to marry a billionaire.”

Would be interesting to see how many Senators actually went or sent their children to public schools. #DeVosvote

Don’t just get mad, VOTE. Especially in school board elections. #DeVosvote

 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you elect a reality TV star to Congress. Wisconsin Rep. Sean Duffy (The Real Life: Boston, & Road Rules): “Look at Gabby Giffords. The Marxist, who took her life, a leftist guy, and now you see violence and terror in the streets all across America.

So Green Eggs and Ham is acceptable reading on the Senate floor but a letter from Coretta Scott King is not? #WTF?

Trump thinks “California is out of control.” Where do I get the “Out of Control Nasty California Woman T-Shirt”?

Or – “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted,” Where’s the t-shirt?  I want one of those too.

Changing seasons.

February 6, 2017

Another reason baseball is the best sport. When the World Series game 7 was tied after regulation, both teams got a turn to bat.

 

SF 49ers fans should relax w/ Kyle Shanahan. Not like the 2017 team is going to have many 25 point leads to blow.

 

Clydesdales were originally bred in Scotland. Maybe that’s why there was no “aww” story this year. Budweiser was afraid they’d be accused of taking jobs away from real American horses.

Wonder how many craft-beer liberals are buying Budweiser & Bud Light for the first time ever this week? #boycottbudweiser

Tom Brady still can’t find his Super Bowl jersey. Anyone asked Putin?

 

Now the lieutenant governor of Texas has asked the Texas Rangers to join in Houston PD to help find Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. How long until this gets blamed on a member of the liberal media?

If  Tom Brady really is GOAT can we give an assist to Pete Carroll and Kyle Shanahan’s 4th quarter Super Bowl play calling?

On a brighter note, some children in Africa this am can trade in their  Indians World Champions shirts for some shiny new Falcons ones.

MLB is proposing to raise lower part of strike zone to the top of the hitter’s knees, from its current “the hollow beneath the kneecap.” Pitchers are thinking fine, if they actually start calling strikes above the waist.

 

We learned one thing this weekend. Sean Spicer can take a joke a lot better than his boss.

George H.W. Bush got a standing ovation today before #SuperBowl. But heck, compared to the current White House occupant, George W. would get a standing ovation.

A Jacksonville woman is being sought by police for performing oral sex on a man and posting it to social media. The alleged act took place at the county courthouse. Back on your game, Florida.

 

Americans have to be wishing  Trump was half as  focused on Serious issues facing this country as he is on the NY Times.

In a 2004 book called “The Librarian,” by Larry Beinhart, author of “Wag the Dog,” there’s a right-wing conspiracy backing an ineffectual president. They try to create a terrorist act to keep him in power for a 2nd term. Scary book. Glad it’s only fiction….

Rep. Matt Gaetz from Ft. Walton Beach, introduced a bill to dissolve the EPA. I trust Gaetz also feels it would be a waste of money for the Feds to spend any money the next time Florida has any oil spills or other environmental disasters.

Obama – Christians did bad things “in the name of Christ.” GOP outrage. Trump-“You think our country’s so innocent.” GOP crickets #WTF?.

Trump terrorism speech “All over Europe it’s happening. It’s gotten to point where it’s not even being reported. Like #BowlingGreenMassacre?

Some of this stuff you just can’t make up. Melania Trump has a lawsuit against the UK Daily Mail for libel, and the paper has published a retraction of rumors that she worked as an escort. Okay, so far so good, and it’s understandable the First Lady would be upset.

BUT, her lawyer claims “plaintiff had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person … to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.”