Posted tagged ‘Jay Cutler jokes’

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Cheers and jeers

August 6, 2017

Dolphins sign Jay Cutler reportedly in part because fans were unhappy about the idea of Kaepernick. Chicago Bears fans are just giggling.

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Jay Cutler is apparently going to come out of retirement and sign with the Dolphins. So how many teams will now get calls from Brett Favre?

 

Nothing is certain except death, taxes, and that the SF pitching to Goldschmidt is a really stupid idea.

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Falcons CB Jalen Collins suspended the first 10 games of 2017 for PEDs, after being suspended the first 4 games in 2016 for PEDs.  Is the 2nd suspension for drugs or stupidity?

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After watching Mets get obliterated by Dodgers,  and the Giants actually looking good in winning two games in a row, thinking maybe New York should take a page out of the San Francisco Panda playbook and bring up at this point a minor-league talent – Tebow.

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RIP #DarrenDaulton. Really sad to watch stars you’ve watched play pass away. Sadder when they’re younger than you.

 

Two former rowers on U Washington’s men’s team have been charged with sharing videos of them having sex with drunk women, including two who don’t remember the incidents.
The men were kicked off the team when the allegations first surfaced. Heck of a way to show rowers could be the equal of big-time college athletes.

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CNN.com  headline – “beloved celebrity couple calls it quits.” So, okay, I clicked on the story – “Anna Faris and Chris Pratt have filed for separation.”

All together now, “who?”

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The manufacturer of the Fireball ride that broke apart at the Ohio State fair, killing one and injuring seven, said “excessive corrosion on the interior of the gondola support beam dangerously reduced the beam’s wall thickness over the years.”
But hey, let’s get rid of more pesky regulations.

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Ah online reviews…. Was looking for a hotel in a certain area of Dubai. W Hotel on the Palm has 4.2 ranking out of 5, 26 reviews. Which sounds great except for one thing. It is under construction and NOT OPEN YET.

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Chris Christie -Mueller’s convening of a grand jury is a “normal step.” As a former prosecutor he should know what it’s a “normal step” towards.

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Minn. Gov. Mark Dayton called mosque bombing “act of terrorism,” following in footsteps of Pres. Trump. Oh wait, crickets. Never mind.

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Trump is now quoting @protrump45, supposedly a young black conservative woman, who is actually a bot. What’s next- voting rights for bots?
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Why hasn’t Trump,on his “working vacation”, tweeted anything about missing Marines in Australia. Because no way to blame on Obama or Hillary?
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#MikePence says running in 2020 story “latest attempt by media to divide this administration.” Actually Trump divides them quite well on his own.
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Journalist Julia Ioffe, slamming Trump’s proposed immigration policy. “When you ask Trump supporters, they don’t care because she’s a different — she’s the right kind of immigrant.”
“She is a beautiful white woman from Europe, and we like those. Even though she doesn’t have a college degree.”
Well, yeah, and she’s willing to do the kind of jobs Americans won’t do… like marrying Donald.
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A farewell to arms

October 4, 2015

Giants left-handed reliever Jeremy Affeldt gave a great emotional retirement speech at AT&T Park today. And amazingly he didn’t injure himself doing it.

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Ichiro Suzuki pitched an inning during the Marlins final game of 2015, a 7-2 loss to the Phillies. He faced 5 batters, and gave up one earned run. After the game, Philadelphia reportedly offered him a chance to try out for their bullpen.

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Another thought about that Philadelphia loss to Washington today: Help could be available – tanned, rested and ready – Tim Tebow.

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The award for interesting sense of proportion for the day goes to the Bears’ Martellus Bennett, asked after Chicago’s first win “Is Jay Cutler too often criticized?” His response “They threw rocks at Jesus, & Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff.”caped up pretty hard for him after the game.”

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Probably not their year, but the Saints are probably the happiest 1-3 team in the NFL tonight.
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If there’s a twisted silver lining to today’s game and 9th inning meltdown, at least ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans didn’t have to watch it happen in a one-game postseason playoff

(Should have let ‪#‎Affeldt‬ close. ‪#SFGiants)

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The Red Sox have let strength and conditioning coach Pat Sandora go after four seasons. Who says Pandas aren’t dangerous?

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Meanwhile the Redskins and Bears both won.  Hope this is not a sign of the apocalypse. ‪#‎IblameObama‬
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In London, the Jets and Dolphins both had double-digit penalties, And Ndamukong Suh was caught on video today kicking Jets’ QB Ryan Fitzpatrick in the head. Is this part of the NFL’s mission to make Brits feel better about their soccer hooligans?
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Clay Matthews taunted Colin Kaepernick: “You ain’t Russell Wilson, bro.” Well to be fair, so far this year, even Russell Wilson ain’t Russell Wilson.
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#‎Stanford‬ and ‪#‎Michigan‬. “I’ll take two college football teams that look a lot better than we thought they were after the first week, Alex”
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Jeb Bush’s Presidential campaign is going so badly, they are thinking of bringing his brother George W. to help. Some statements don’t even need a punchline. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬

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New Mexico Secretary of State Dianna K. Duran is now facing 65 corruption charges including identity theft. She allegedly used her election fund for many personal uses, including jewelry purchases and casino visits. As Secretary of State Duran oversees campaign finance reporting…. ‪#‎youcannotmakethisstuffup‬

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Utah Rep.Jason Chaffetz has announced he would like to succeed House Speaker John Boehner. Chaffetz is mostly known now for going after Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards in her testimony before Congress. Makes sense, to lead today’s GOP you’ve got to show you can “Get Tough on Women.”

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R.E.S.P.E.C.T

December 18, 2014

 

The times they are a changin’. The President of Cuba said Wednesday that “‘President Obama deserves respect and recognition”. Right now you’d never get that statement from a majority of the U.S. Congress.

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Neal suggests “Future MLB schedule: San Francisco at Havana, Havana at Los Angeles.”

 

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You can tell it’s getting close to Christmas. All the email ads saying “last day for free delivery” have been replaced by “last day for extended free priority delivery.”

To be followed soon no doubt by  “last day for free upgraded 2nd Day Fed Exp delivery.”

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Craig Ferguson is leaving the “Late Late Show.” Responded most Americans – “Who’s Craig Ferguson?”

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Chicago coach Mark Trestman says he is starting QB Jimmy Clausen over Jay Cutler because “We need a spark.” And Bears fans who watched the Monday Night Football game are thinking “Need a ‘spark’? More like a bonfire.”

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The Bears have benched Jay Cutler and there are rumors they are trying to trade him. And NYJets fans are thinking “NOOOOOOOOOOOO.”

 

 

TC on Jay Cutler  “Not to be outdone by Johnny Football’s brutal performance, the Bears’ Jay Cutler trumped Johnny with his horrendous showing on Monday night. The only bright spot was, “Teacher says every time Cutler throws a pick, an angel gets their wings!”

Cutler should try to become a multi-sport athlete. He could play for the Bulls, where no look passes are considered a skill.

 

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Multimillionaire Sant Singh Chatwal was sentenced Thursday to probation, a $500,000 fine and 1,000 hours of community service for making $180.000 in illegal campaign contributions to candidates, including Hillary Clinton. Prosecutors had wanted jail time, which makes some sense. With all the loopholes these days seems like jail is appropriate if for no other reason than still being stupid enough to break one of the few remaining rules.

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I know we just announced this year’s winner. But can the Nobel committee just announce now that 2015 nominations are closed and the prize will go to Pope Francis?

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Sen. Rand Paul on Cuba today “The 50-year embargo just hasn’t worked. If the goal is regime change, it sure doesn’t seem to be working and probably it punishes the people more than the regime because the regime can blame the embargo for hardship. … In the end , I think opening up Cuba is probably a good idea.”

If Paul doesn’t stop he’s going to be thrown out of the GOP primary for making too much sense.

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Da (Bad News) Bears?

September 13, 2012

Wow. Jay Cutler’s performance tonight was enough to get Bears fans on their feet screaming for Rex Grossman.

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Not to say Chicago looked bad tonight, but Cubs fans sent sympathy notes.

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For the first time ever, visitors to Disney World’s Magic Kingdom will be able to have a beer or glass of wine with dinner at the new “Be Our Guest” restaurant opening in November. For a lot of tired parents, this really will make it Fantasyland.

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With today’s win, #81, the Orioles have guaranteed they will finish no lower than .500 for first time since 1997. The New York Yankees send their congratulations and suggest to keep the team healthy that Baltimore just shut everyone down for the rest of the season.

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The Wall Street Journal said that the new Nike Lebron Signature she would retail for $315. But they were wrong, it will only be $270. Well, heck, guess that means Nike thinks the average American can buy two pairs?

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Orioles beat Rays 3-2 in 14 innings. The game lasted almost 5 1/2 hours. Wow! That’s almost as long as an average Yankees-Red Sox game.

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Moving the Houston Astros to the AL was supposed to result in more reasonable travel schedules. So let’s see, the SF Giants’ longest 2013 roadtrips? LA-Colorado-Cincinnati, and LA-NY Mets and NY Yankees? Anyone in MLB offices look at a map?

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San Francisco Intl Airport (SFO) will close a main runway between 1000p Friday and 800a Monday for three weekends in September. Which will cause at least half the flights to be delayed, and the other half to be blamed on the closure.

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SI.com headline: “Reigning MLS MVP likely to miss rest of season.” “Bummer”, said most U.S. sports fans “Who is he, anyway?”

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Apparently potential Romney V.P. candidates had to give Mitt’s campaign 10 years of tax returns.

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The N.Y. Board of Health voted today to ban large sugary sodas in the city. Many read the news on the electronic ticker tape over the Times Square Hershey’s store.

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Dueling fundraising drives: Obama campaign offers donors a chance to spend an evening with Beyonce and Jay Z. Romney campaign counters with a chance to join “Mitt on board the campaign plane for an exciting day on the campaign trail — at 30,000 feet!

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Apparently a seagull swooped down and stole a camera right out of the hands of a tourist on a San Francisco beach. Hmm, wonder if the bird can be trained to go for cellphones in outdoor restaurants?

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A new report from the Global Commission on Elections, Democracy and Security, headed by Kofi Annan, says that US campaign rules, with “uncontrolled, undisclosed, illegal and opague” finance, have shaken public confidence in politics. How long until our elections get UN observers?

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Rainbow falls.

July 25, 2011

Apparently Niagara Falls was lit up with rainbow colors today, for all the marriages.

But meanwhile, in New York City, the first couple married under the state’s new same-sex marriage laws were Phyllis Siegal, 77, and Connie Kopelov, 85, two women who have been together for 23 years. So can any conservative say with a straight face how that ceremony threatens any heterosexual marriage?

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So let’s see, the GOP wants to reduce unwanted pregnancies and abortions, and also cut the number of familes with children on welfare. Hmm…maybe the best way to do this is to encourage poor people to enter into gay marriages.

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Jay Cutler has called off his engagement to Kristin Cavallari. Apparently blindsiding his ex-fiancee, but not Bears fans. Who already that knew that you couldn’t count on Cutler to go all the way when it mattered.

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The latest rumor is that as a backup to Michael Vick, the Philadelphia Eagles might sign Brett Favre? Is this the only way Favre can assure that for at least some fans he’ll won’t be the number one target of boos on the field?

(And of course the same might be said for Michael Vick approving Favre as his backup.)

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If you crossed Brett Favre with Sarah Palin would you end up with someone who actually knew when to quit?

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Qatarian Mohamed bin Hammam vowed to overturn his bribery conviction and lifetime ban from soccer on Sunday. He said he will go to the FIFA appeals court, or to CAS (Court of Arbiration for Sport) or even the civil courts in Switzerland. Just as soon as he figures out which of those will overturn his conviction for the lowest price.

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Knuckleballer Tim Wakefield Sunday joined Roger Clemens as the only pitchers to strike out 2,000 batters with Boston. Very impressive. And can you imagine if Wakefield had only taken steroids? His fastball might have broken 70.

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Sunday night in the San Francisco Bay Area there were competing concerts between the Indigo Girls and Dolly Parton. Fans were divided over which is the best duet.

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Glee co-creator Ryan Murphy had said that Rachel, Kurt and Finn would graduate at the end of season three. But apparently at Comic-con this weekend in San Diego, the series’ other co-creator Brad Fulchuk said  stars Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, and Cory Monteith will return for season 4.

Which means one of two things. Either the three will indeed graduate, and come back as visitors from their colleges, or the writers will figure out ways to turn them into honorary football players.

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Quote of the day – but from a facebook friend, but from a  Thomas Love Peacock, friend of the 19th century poet Percy Shelley: “There are two reasons for drinking wine…when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it… prevention is better than cure.”

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And shocking quote of the week on an Irish report on clerical sex child sex abuse: -it exposed “the dysfunction, disconnection, elitism and narcissism that dominate the culture of the Vatican to this day. The rape and torture of children were downplayed or ‘managed’ to uphold instead, the primacy of the institution, its power, standing and ‘reputation.'” The real shocker- the quote is from Irish PM Enda Kinney.

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The State of the Union.

January 26, 2011

Or as Sarah Palin remarked ‘State of the Union,”  As if.  Everyone knows there are 50 of them.

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And to anyone who by some chance had never seen a color picture of the Speaker of the House before, yes, he IS that orange. Please do not adjust your set.

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One question about all these bi-partisan “dates” Tuesday night at the State of the Union speech – who was supposed to buy who a corsage?

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The President said that we don’t just need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but also celebrate the winner of the Science Fair. Yeah, easy to say this week for a Bears fan.

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President Obama went out of his way to be inclusive with positive words for all. Fortunately no one spoiled it by asking him about Jay Cutler.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Among current and former NFL players that called out Jay Cutler’s toughness in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game was Deion Sanders.That’s like having your country’s toughness questioned by France.”
 

And btw, how come this “individual” liberty that Paul Ryan talked about in the Republican response somehow stops behind the bedroom door and for women in their doctor’s office?

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At a Tea Party event in Iowa, Michele Bachmann said, amongst other things, that our Founding Fathers “worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual depth of Sarah Palin.

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A Chicago car salesman wore a Green Bay Packers tie on Monday and was fired. Good thing he didn’t wear a Jay Cutler jersey, the guy might have been fired, tarred and feathered.

(Added Alex Kaseberg, he was thinking of wearing a Cutler jersey, but the jersey took itself out.)

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President Obama talked about the need to improve our country’s educational system, especially in the areas of science and technology. He also said that this was our “Sputnik” moment. Said most Americans “What’s Sputnik?”

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Former Wolverine quarterback Tate Forcier, who was academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, said that he is considering transfering to Miami, Washington, Baylor, San Diego State, Middle Tennessee State and New Mexico.

Well, we now know the answer to the question “Name at least six schools with lower academic standards for athletes than Michigan”

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Grin and Bear it?

January 25, 2011

Chicago fans are still getting over their team’s loss to underdog Green Bay Sunday, and many of them are blaming the loss on the alleged fragility of Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, because they felt he should have played through whatever pain he was feeling.

In fact, some Chicagoans were so upset by the game, they had to take Monday off from work to recover.

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But hey, maybe Bears fans really should lay off Jay Cutler on this “whether or not he was injured” issue. Even if he wasn’t hurt that badly he actually helped out the team by having them end up with Caleb Hanie!

So if Jay Cutler ends up temporarily using a walker with his knee, will he be doing the “No Super Bowl Shuffle?”

If we didn’t already know that NFL football was a different world…. can you imagine the hype, or rather lack thereof, if the World Series was going to be between the Milwaukee Brewers and the Pittsburgh Pirates?

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Two Northern California counselors have founded “Men of Tears” workshops, based the idea that suppressing tears is detrimental to men’s individual physical and emotional health. Scary. If this is true, John Boehner may be the healthiest man on the planet.

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An Illinois court has rule Rahm Emanuel ineligible to run for Mayor of Chicago because he hasn’t been living in the city regularly since he started work at the White House.  I don’t get it. Since actually “living” in Chicago is not a requirement for voting, why should they be so picky about running for office there?

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Joe Biden was called for jury duty. Well, it’s not like he was doing anything anyway.

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Facebook informs me that I have ten friends who “like” Sarah Palin. But they don’t tell me if those friends are Republicans or comedy writers.

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from T.C.

Jhonattan Vegas won the PGA Bob Hope Classic this week. Microsoft execs are trying to sign him up to endorse their new Office 2011 software featuring the latest up to date “Spellcheck”. Of course this is due to The Open Winner Louis Oosthuizen rejected their offer.

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The Advocate named San Francisco only the 11th gayest city in the United States. San Francisco immediately issued an open challenge to you “ten over-rated bitches.”

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Today a University of  Tennessee spokesman said their athletics department is looking into whether a Volunteers basketball player received free use of a Knoxville bar to film a music video, which may be an NCAA violation.

Standby tomorrow for news that the investigation is over because it turns out the bar owner only talked to the kid’s dad.

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