Posted tagged ‘#cantfixstupid’
June 21, 2016
Tonight have to give it to Scotland. Where about 100 locals got together to buy some land near one of Donald Trump’s golf courses. And in advance of the Donald’s visit they planted this flag.
(yes, that is the Mexican flag.)
Well, I guess the SF GIants sympathy scoreless streak in honor of the Warriors at the end of Game 7 NBA Finals is officially over. (First runs scored in the 4th, 15-4 final win over the Pirates.)
On a brighter note for the Pirates, Monday Erik Kratz hit 1st home run, off #Madbum, today he pitched scoreless 9th, & struck out Belt.. Now that’s just piling on. #SFGIants
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Tuesday is #NationalSelfieDay. Wonder how many celebrated the day by also vying for a #DarwinAward?
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You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A GOP Congressional candidate for Congress is running a contest on his FB page to give away a AR-15 rifle. In Florida. Wonder if Muslim-Americans are allowed to enter.
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Wendy Bell, a former Pittsburgh news anchor was fired after she posted on Facebook in March about unidentified shooting suspects “You needn’t be a criminal profiler to draw a mental sketch of the killers…. They are young black men, likely in their teens or in their early 20s….”
Now Bell says she was fired because she is white. Nope, she was fired for being stupid. #Facebookitsaprivilegenotaright
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Lebron James, Jr, age 11, apparently already has scholarship offers from Kentucky and Duke. Not sure if dad will give his son any advice, other than not to announce his decision on an ESPN special.
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Donald Trump’s campaign has apparently spent over $6 million, about 10% of their total expenditures, into Trump branded products, from water to wine to hotels.
Not sure the reaction is “That’s appalling.” Or “That’s shocking, only 10%?”
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Donald Trump’s latest to evangelical leaders, “We don’t know anything about Hillary in terms of religion.”
So he’s saying they should vote for someone like him who’s been married three times and wants to date his own daughter? #smh
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Donald Trump has added Michele Bachmann to his Evangelical Advisory Board. #Jesuswept
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US. Rep. Steve King, upset about the idea of Harriet Tubman on the $20, is proposing an amendment to a House bill to ban the use of funds to redesign any Federal Reserve note or coin. No matter that such an amendment would also stop the government from anti-counterfeiting measures. #Cantfixstupid #butyoucanreelectstupid
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Alabama jokes, college football jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, mexico jokes, Trump jokes
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March 2, 2016
Since no one else seems to be able to stop the Warriors, Sports Illustrated will take a shot at it by putting Golden State on the cover.
Miley Cyrus called Donald Trump a ‘nightmare” and says she may move out of the country if he gets elected. Uh oh. Let’s hope Justin Bieber or the Kardashians don’t get the same idea or Trump could become unstoppable.
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Donald Trump’s tweet, after Nikki Haley endorsed Marco Rubio – “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley,” Haley’s response “Bless your heart.”
For the uninitiated, “Bless your heart,” is Southern for “f*ck you.”
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Sports Authority has filed for bankruptcy. So will the Denver Broncos now play in Chapter 11 Stadium?
(my friend Rick D. suggests ‘Secured Creditors Field.”)
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As we approach March Madness, Stanford’s men’s basketball team has been doing better of late. Are they poised to defend their NIT title?
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Donald Trump started with stupid and childish insults about Marco Rubio, who fired back on the same level, but it’s just Rubio who seems to be taking a it in the polls. George Bernard Shaw was right – “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”
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Ben Carson says he will skip the next GOP debate. Shocking people who didn’t even realize he was in the last one.
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Ben Carson now admits he has “no path” to the Republican nomination, but won’t formally quit the Presidential race. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.
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So when can we tune in to hear #SteveHarvey talk about #MarcoRubio‘s great #SuperTuesday victories?
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#PaulRyan says “absolutely no interest” in becoming #GOP nominee at a brokered convention. But he had no interest in being Speaker either.
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Mitt Romney says he will speak Thursday “on the state of the Presidential Race.” Well, and if anyone should be an expert on how the GOP establishment can blow an election campaign….
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Hard to believe now but some once thought the most politically damaging bromance involving Chris Christie was his 2012 embrace of Barack Obama.
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In South Carolina, a woman who had taught for 13 years had her phone swiped by a 16-year-old-student, who found a nude Valentine’s Day picture she had taken for her husband, The kid then shared the photo with social media and texts. And the TEACHER was offered the choice to resign or go through a dismissal process. Hmm, maybe it is time for teachers to be armed
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The Oklahoma City Thunder blew a 17 pt lead against the Clippers in the 4th quarter. Last time fans in Los Angeles saw such a fast late meltdown, the Dodgers bullpen was involved.
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A Washington man who’d been taking selfies all day with his gun accidentally finally ended up fatally shooting himself. Your move, Florida. #cantfixstupidbutyoucanburyit
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Curt Schilling just said that Hillary Clinton should be “buried under a jail somewhere” over her emails on private servers. Right, wonder what he would have said had Clinton been sued by a state for fraud over a $75 million business loan guarantee that ended up costing said state almost $100 million….
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Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin “The Mets’ Noah Syndergaard and Yoenis Cespedes rode around the team’s training complex the other day on two horses from Cespedes’ s ranch. Proving that these two have come a long way from their days in the Pony League.”
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Carson jokes, Curt Schilling jokes, Janice Hough, nikki haley, Trump jokes
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November 16, 2015
Aaron Rodgers, calling out a fan who yelled an anti-Musim slur today at Lambeau Field. “I must admit, I was very disappointed with whoever the fan was that made a comment that was very inappropriate during the moment of silence. It’s that kind of prejudicial ideology that puts us in the position we are today as a world.”
So how often do I say about a Cal grad, well played sir, well, played.”
(even if the game wasn’t)
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The way this season is going, the ones who will be yelling “Dallas sucks” loudest are Cowboys fans.
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It’s a new trend for pro teams to sell game used jerseys. Alas Saints can’t do that today for defensive players. No proof they were used.
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Can only imagine what kind of stats Drew Brees could put up if he could play against his own defense.
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Crazy week in the NFL. Have to wonder, have Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning ever had a worse Sunday?
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Interesting how when SEC team beat each other up in college football it is looked upon as a sign of conference strength, whereas when Pac 12 teams beat each other it is looked upon as a sign of conference mediocrity.
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United sent frequent fliers a message saying that for a week you can “share your miles with friends and family and save up to 30% on the transfer price per mile. So let me get this straight, you earn the miles, and they for a short time they will graciously charge you less to give them away. And airlines wonder why we hate them.
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Bernie Sanders said last night that the US had more wealth inequality “than any major country on earth.” And actually,the 2015 Global Wealth Databook puts the share of wealth held by the top 1% in the U.S. puts us “only” 11th out of 37 nations – behind Russia, Thailand, Indonesia, India, Brazil, Chile, South Africa, China, Czech Republic and Israel.
But note the countries missing. So much for our decrying the European class system.
GOP candidates often act like it were a simple thing just to bomb the bad guys out of existence. Yeah, that idea worked so well after 9 11. #assumingweevencanaimattherightbadguys
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Proving that no one party has a monopoly on stupidity. Dan Kimmel, a Democrat who was running for state representative in Minnesota tweeted ” ISIS isn’t necessarily evil. It is made up of people doing what they think is best for their community. Violence is not the answer, though.”
He dropped out of the race today and said the tweet was poorly worded. Ya think? #cantfixstupid
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From Bill Littlejohn, “Quarterback Blake Bortles says that his Jacksonville Jaguars are a ‘small step’ from contending. Well, remember, it took a decade and billions of dollars for Neil Armstrong’s ‘small step.’ ” .
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, aaron rodgers, Cowboys jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, United jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 11, 2015
An Arkansas woman has been charged with child endangement when her baby ended up in the hospital with a blood alcohol level of .19%. She allegedly told police that her mother had suggested rubbing alcohol on his gums for teething pain, so she put bourbon in his bottle. #cantfixstupid #yourmoveFlorida #andthesepeoplecanVOTE
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Walmart workers are trying to get the chain to extend the general merchandise 10% employee discount to food. Walmart is no doubt countering with “Are you kidding? On our wages you already get a discount through food stamps..
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On Veteran’s Day it’s so nice to see all the GOP candidates who want to expand our military also talk about how we need to pour money into more veterans’ healthcare and other services. #sarcasm
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The end of a San Francisco era. Carol Doda, 78, has passed away after a long illness. Maybe her next of kin had time to order a special (double) bubble top coffin?
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Bob Dole has just endorsed Jeb Bush for President. How sad. Didn’t realize that Senator Dole was suffering from dementia.
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Joe’s Crab Shack is eliminating tipping at their 113 restaurants, and upping their minimum wage from $2.13 for waitstaff to $14 an hour. That stampeding sound you probably hear is all Joe’s really good waiters and waitresses heading to jobs at other restaurants.
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Okay, after all Marco Rubio’s criticism of liberal arts- apparently he’s been slamming philosophers for months, what’s HIS undergraduate degree from Florida? A Bachelor of Arts in Political Science.
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Marco Rubio says we need more welders and less (sic) philosophers. With Rubio and his fellow candidates’ general world views I can understand why they’re against philosophy – the philosophy course I took at Stanford was “Principles of Logic.”
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A Tempe city councilman, who said he had recent back surgery, and who presumably took advantage of an free sideline football pass, is now suing Arizona State claiming the school mascot jumped on him and injured his back.
#ifonlyhewerearmed
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A Bloomingdale’s holiday catalog featured a picture of a man looking a a laughing woman with the “spike your best friend’s eggnog when they’re not looking.” What’s next, will the store decide their new holiday spokesman will be Bill Cosby?
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Donald Trump, defending his plan to deport 11 millions illegals and arguing with John Kasich, said “I built an unbelievable company worth billions and billions of dollars,” so “I don’t have to listen to this man.”
Have to wonder, in building and maintaining that “unbelievable company,” how many of those Trump has employed are illegals?
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Wow, just wow. So last week, pictures were released of Greg Hardy’s ex-girlfriend, covered in bruises. And this week Hardy briefly changed his Twitter handle to “Perfection,” and his bio “Innocent until proven guilty-lack of knowledge & information is just ignorance-the unjust/prejudicial treatment of diff categories of people is discrimination.”
Too soon to start a pool on Hardy’s next arrest?
#cantfixstupid #cantfixbeinganasshole
Donald Trump wants to deport 11 million people and have immigrants in future only arrive for legal reasons, like marrying rich older men.
Drudge Report founder Matt Drudge apparently asked on Twitter “Can we talk about Hillary’s wig?’ For all those who thought we couldn’t go any lower than the Starbucks cup controversy….
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Arkansas jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Rubio jokes, Walmart jokes
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November 8, 2015
A huge sinkhole has swallowed more than a dozen cars in the parking lot of a new IHOP parking lot in Meridian, Miss. Kind of hard to stand your ground when the ground won’t stand.
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Adam Vinatieri, 42, kicked a 55 yard field gold to give the Colts the win today over the Broncos and Peyton Manning. Not saying Vinatieri is old, but doesn’t it seem as if he must have also kicked against teams led by Archie Manning?
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The video is horrible, no question, but if you do believe people can learn and change, Ray Rice is sure at least doing a very good imitation of a man who has done both: “I used to have a situation where kids were like, ‘I wanna be like Ray Rice.’ And now I have to think about kids and parents saying, ‘I don’t want you to be like Ray Rice.’ And that haunts me.”
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Former Rep. Michele Bachmann:is now saying “The Holy Spirit is speaking to each one of us (Christians) to help bring in (convert) as many as we can — even among the Jews,” Wow. So does Bachmann think Ben Carson has a chance and she’s angling to be his running mate?
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The buck passes here. Marco Rubio is attributing some of his personal expenses being billed to his GOP credit card – ,”because a travel agent had the credit card number — and they billed it to that card instead of the other card.” This including a Rubio family gathering of 20 rooms for three nights at a resort near Tallahassee starting the day he was sworn in as Florida House Speaker.
Uh, speaking for travel agents everywhere, leaving aside the number of hoops required to bill 20 rooms to one card, you make a mistake more than once like that with a credit card, you’re fired.
#callingBS–
Texas Rep. Mike McCaul, confident that a bomb brought down the Russian plane, is saying that the Obama administration is in large part to blame because they haven’t done enough in the Mideast. And of course there’s no blame on a previous administration for doing too much in the Mideast…
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You know if #BenCarson doesn’t want media reporting outrageous things he says maybe he could take a day off from saying outrageous things.
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So the Dallas Cowboys have now lost six games in a row. So maybe Greg Hardy can get legally away with beating up and threatening a woman, but maybe also he can’t hide from that mean bitch karma.
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A U.S jail escapee was arrested in Mexico after police were able to track him i because he was posting selfies on Facebook. He’s being held in a Mexican jail and is facing extradition back to… Idaho? Your move, Florida. #Cantfixstupid
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Vikings quarterback Teddy Bridgewater, who was elbowed in the head by Rams DB Lamarcus Joyner today, has been diagnosed with a concussion. If the NFL really wanted to stop this sort of thing it would be simple – injure a starter with an illegal hit that gets you fined, and you are out until they can return, even if it’s a season ending injury.
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Oxford, MS, for the tweet of the month, maybe the year, after the Razorbacks shred the Ole Miss defense and win 53-52 in OT –
@OxfordPolice Asking us to kick the Arkansas QB out of the stadium is not a legit reason to dial 911. #ARKvsMISS
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, 49ers jokes, Carson jokes, Cowboys jokes, NFL jokes, Rubio jokes
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October 24, 2015
So despite all the predictions of its strength, Hurricane Patricia basically proved to be over-hyped and comparatively weak. Maybe they should rename it Hurricane Jeb.
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Florida State was upset tonight by Georgia Tech When a game winning potential field goal was blocked and run back. . The Seminoles haven’t been this embarrassed in recent memory without the police being involved.
(my comedy writing friend T.C. coined the perfect term last week after the MSU-Michigan game – a “kick six.”)
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A man was arrested today on Treasure Island in San Francisco after a chase that started when he stole a police car. Did he figure they’d never track him in one of those…. #cantfixstupid
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Miami and Clemson players ALMOST got into a pre-game brawl today. Too bad, the brawl might have been more competitive than the game.
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Parts of Texas received up to 30 inches of rain Saturday. Not sure who’s crying more, Texans or Californians.
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So how much worse does the flooding have to get in Texas before Ted Cruz calls again for federal aid?
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As Jeb’s campaign basically seems to be circling the train, maybe it’s time to rewrite conventional wisdom on the Bushes – George H.W. actually looks to be the “smart one.”
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Nate Silver says the NBA may reduce pre-season games starting in 2017. The current number is 8. My guess is that most players and fans think 0 would be a good number.
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Seven high school football players have now died on the field this year. Waiting for someone to say they should be armed.
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Mitt Romney to the Boston Globe this week. “Without Romneycare, I don’t think we would have Obamacare.” You know Obamacare is working when Mitt is back to taking credit.
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Matt Drudge is now commenting on Hillary Clinton’s occasional coughs during the 11-hour Benghazi hearings, saying that and her slow speaking, “obviously induced by meds.” were signs of serious health issues. Well, hell then, let’s have a Congressional committee created to see if Hillary is being honest about her health.
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R.I.P. Maureen O’Hara, 95, She was the last living star of “Miracle On 34th Street,” the original black-and-white 1947 one. Best Christmas movie ever. See it this year if you haven’t. Not the colorized version.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, college football, Janice Hough
Comments: 4 Comments
October 5, 2015
Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.
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The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. #ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball
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The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”
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Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.
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After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.
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Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the #Lions going to screw up their chance to win tonight? #MNF #DETvsSEA
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So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put #Seahawks logo on their uniforms? #DETvsSEA
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American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?
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In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. #Ifonlyshewerearmed
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So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for #Tebow? #SF49ers
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Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”
Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.
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Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?
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From Marc Ragovin – “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”
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And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C. “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”
An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.
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Serious thought for a change:
Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”
Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.
Categories: airline jokes, As jokes, baseball jokes, cellphone jokes, pitino jokes, snowden jokes, Supreme court jokes, texas jokes
Tags: #cantfixstupid, A's jokes, airline jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Snowden jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 4, 2015
Giants left-handed reliever Jeremy Affeldt gave a great emotional retirement speech at AT&T Park today. And amazingly he didn’t injure himself doing it.
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Ichiro Suzuki pitched an inning during the Marlins final game of 2015, a 7-2 loss to the Phillies. He faced 5 batters, and gave up one earned run. After the game, Philadelphia reportedly offered him a chance to try out for their bullpen.
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Another thought about that Philadelphia loss to Washington today: Help could be available – tanned, rested and ready – Tim Tebow.
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The award for interesting sense of proportion for the day goes to the Bears’ Martellus Bennett, asked after Chicago’s first win “Is Jay Cutler too often criticized?” His response “They threw rocks at Jesus, & Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff.”caped up pretty hard for him after the game.”
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Probably not their year, but the Saints are probably the happiest 1-3 team in the NFL tonight.
Meanwhile the Redskins and Bears both won. Hope this is not a sign of the apocalypse.
#IblameObama–
In London, the Jets and Dolphins both had double-digit penalties, And Ndamukong Suh was caught on video today kicking Jets’ QB Ryan Fitzpatrick in the head. Is this part of the NFL’s mission to make Brits feel better about their soccer hooligans?
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Clay Matthews taunted Colin Kaepernick: “You ain’t Russell Wilson, bro.” Well to be fair, so far this year, even Russell Wilson ain’t Russell Wilson.
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#Stanford and
#Michigan. “I’ll take two college football teams that look a lot better than we thought they were after the first week, Alex”
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Jeb Bush’s Presidential campaign is going so badly, they are thinking of bringing his brother George W. to help. Some statements don’t even need a punchline. #nottheOnion
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New Mexico Secretary of State Dianna K. Duran is now facing 65 corruption charges including identity theft. She allegedly used her election fund for many personal uses, including jewelry purchases and casino visits. As Secretary of State Duran oversees campaign finance reporting…. #youcannotmakethisstuffup
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Utah Rep.Jason Chaffetz has announced he would like to succeed House Speaker John Boehner. Chaffetz is mostly known now for going after Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards in her testimony before Congress. Makes sense, to lead today’s GOP you’ve got to show you can “Get Tough on Women.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Affeldt jokes, Bears jokes, Janice Hough, Jay Cutler jokes, MLB jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
September 27, 2015
Hundreds of thousands people apparently showed up today in Philadelphia to see the Pope. It being Philly, you have to wonder how many who showed up to see Francis actually booed him.
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Of course, the Pope is not a stupid man. He picked a time of year to visit Philadelphia when there was zero chance of snowballs.
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So #Papelbon is looking like he’s through with the #Nationals. Is the closer trying to earn a tryout with the #Redskins defense?
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Although I suppose it could be said that by putting his hands on Harper’s neck, Papelbon was just trying to do to Bryce what the Nats have done on the field since he arrived.
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Colts fans hoped their team would “Suck for Luck.” Time for #49ers fans to hope team will “Slack off for Goff?
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Every time I hear Hillary Clinton talk about the email issues, just wonder why she didn’t come out and say “Look, you really think I understood any of this stuff at first? When it comes to computers my basic reaction has been ‘Does it turn on, can I log in?”
Thinking she’d have gotten a lot more sympathy from those of us whose kids roll their eyes at our ineptitude with technology. And from the younger generation who laughs at their parents.
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Barry Zito, 37, and Tim Hudson, 40, were both given ovations in their short starts yesterday. “Well deserved for two nice young men” said Jamie Moyer.
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Mark Zuckerberg at the UN said that expanding internet access to global communities could help ‘lift them out of poverty.” Possibly, although here in the U.S. internet access can keep people too busy playing games to find a job.
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Congress is going to be a different place without John Boehner in November. For starters, the Kleenex consumption in the House will go way down
#nomoretears–
A poll of Republicans at the Voting Values Summit said they preferred a Ted Cruz-Ben Carson ticket in 2016. Funny enough, a lot of Democrats would be happy if the GOP ran that ticket too.
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So with the latest college football rankings, the highest ranked 1 loss team (at #13) is Alabama. “I’m shocked,” said nobody
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Ben Carson now says that many immigrants sneaking across the Mexico border “are hardened criminals’’ not from Latin America but from Iraq, Somalia and Russia. USA Today, however, reports that DHS said in 2013, nearly 93% caught at the border came from Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras or El Salvador.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I always thought you needed math to get into med school.
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#SFGiants now have about a .01% chance of making the post season this year. So approximately the same chance as the #SF49ers
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Ted Cruz today made a rousing speech to a conservative group promising to end the “persecution of religious liberty.” Uh, Senator Cruz, to paraphrase Inigo Montoya “I do not think this phrase means what you think it means.”
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From T.C. “Martin Shkreli, the CEO of a pharmaceutical firm raised the price of a prescription drug from $13.50 to $750. In related news, Whole Foods said they may be interested in hiring him.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Ben Carson jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Nationals jokes, Papelbon jokes, Pope jokes
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September 3, 2015
John Kasich, who has a reputation for sanity: – “If I become president, I’m going to name it back to Mt. McKinley. This is not something we appreciate or agree with in Ohio.”
Then the Ohio governor added “The reason the mountain was named that way in my understanding is a guy was out there climbing, he saw this big peak, and he wanted to celebrate the achievements of President McKinley, so he named it Mt. McKinley.”
Uh, the guy who named it did so in 1896. When McKinley hadn’t even been ELECTED President yet. #cantfixstupid
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So in today’s ruling Judge Berman wrote that “Brady had no notice that such conduct was prohibited, or any reasonable certainty of potential discipline stemming from such conduct The Court concludes that, as a matter of law, no NFL policy or precedent notifies players that they may be disciplined (much less suspended) for general awareness of misconduct by others.”
The Saints called.. They want 2012 back.
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A British study found that cats didn’t suffer from separation anxiety when their owners are gone. Not only that,, the felines didn’t feel the need to post cute human pictures on social media.
(And of course maybe it has nothing to do with separation anxiety. Maybe cats just don’t like being studied.)
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A poisonous 8 foot long King Cobra snake has escaped from a house in Orlando near Disney World. So all you thrill-seeking tourists, no need to wait in line for the Indiana Jones ride.
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The wife of Redskins GM Scot McCloughan has apologized for tweets implying that an ESPN reporter had exchanged sexual favors for scoops. Well, give Washington credit, they never stop at just being embarrassing ON the field.
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A judge has ordered Kentucky clerk Kim Davis to jail for refusing to issue gay marriage licenses. And the price for Davis’s future speaking fees to conservative groups keeps going up.
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Whatever happens in the GOP primary this Donald Trump-Jeb Bush feud is entertaining. And so mature. Too soon to start a pool, on the first to accuse the other with “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”
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Five Rutgers football players were charged yesterday for allegedly assaulting another student in April. They have been suspended from the program. So does it mean the Scarlet Knights are recruiting more than the average number of thugs? Or are the New Brunswick police less accommodating than those, in say, Tallahassee?
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Now Donald Trump has indeed signed a pledge saying he would not run as a third party candidate. But no doubt Trump is thinking “Well, with the Greens, the Libertarians, etc, it would be at least a fifth or sixth party.”
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It’s a funny game. Tonight the San Diego Padres scored as many runs in FIVE innings against the Dodgers bullpen (6), as the SF Giants did this week against the entire Los Angeles pitching staff in 3 games and 32 innings
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Are these people trying to put the Onion out of business? The lawyer for Kim Davis: “Does that mean that if you’re Christian, don’t apply here; if you’re a Jew, you gotta get — what happened in Nazi Germany, what happened there first, they removed the Jews from government public employment, then they stopped patronizing them in their private businesses, then they continued to stigmatize them, then they were the ‘problems,’ then they killed them.” Yes, he said it.
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from T.C. “UCLA has suspended Ishmael Adams from the football team as he was arrested for robbing a Uber driver. He must be majoring in Rocket Science as Uber only takes payments via credit and debit cards.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, cats jokes, deflategate jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, Redskins jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 22, 2015
Forget armed security guards. Maybe we just need to offer free train travel at all times to off-duty U.S. military members. #Seriously
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Well, at least Ted Cruz is consistent. He joked about Joe Biden a few days after his son Beau died, and attacked Jimmy Carter’s administration as “failed,” “feckless” and “naive” yesterday. Part of Cruz’s #noshredofhumandecencyleftbehind policy.
Wasn’t that long ago when Matt Cain threw a perfect game against Houston & some sniffed “Well, it’s only the #Astros.” Go Stros! #BeatLA
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If Donald Trump REALLY cared about illegal immigration as opposed to just getting attention, why doesn’t he start a crackdown to find and fire undocumented workers at his hotels and construction sites? He’s as much of a hypocrite on the subject as the Duggars are about sex.
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Donald Trump got 30,000 people to show up at a football stadium in Alabama for a speech. And they said it couldn’t be done – a whiter crowd than NASCAR.
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A woman was taken to the hospital after being hit in the head by a foul ball yesterday at Comerica Field She is reportedly “alert and conscious.” Justin Verlander later took to Twitter to tell MLB to put up protective netting around the field “@MLB should make changes before it’s too late.”
But people get in accidents driving to the field too, and some number of them probably have heart attacks after eating ballpark food. Maybe we should just tell the fans not to come? #fanslovecatchingballs
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Adrian Peterson tonight. “I’m the LeBron” of NFL. And James is thinking, well, I CAN beat that with a stick.
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In Petaluma, California, police say a couple used a stolen credit card to purchase 15 $1,000 gift cards at Target. So they got away with it because $16,000 worth of gift cards would have been suspicious?
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After the sheriff’s office posted his name as one of their most-wanted, a 21-year-old man, Logan Hale, started taunting them on Facebook with a “Finally Free” screen name, and posts like “Hello, Here I am.” and “deputies continue to look for me but are frustrated that I am unable to be located.”
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Apparently Hale should have spent less time posting and more time hiding. They caught him after less than a week. And you guessed it, Florida.
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A high school football game in South Bend was called with 2.54 remaining in the first half following a brawl which required police intervention. So do all these kids aspire to play for the Fighting Irish?
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So no one lives forever, but isn’t it lovely to think that Jimmy Carter has a chance of outliving the guinea worm. #bestexpresidentever
(a link for the uninitiated – http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3207538/Jimmy-Carter-wants-Guinea-worm-disease-eradicated-death.html)
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‘From T.C. Jameis Winston says he has a photographic memory: “Guess it ran out of film the day the QB forgot to pay for his crab legs and was arrested for shoplifting.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Ted Cruz jokes, Trump jokes
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August 14, 2015
John Kerry, at a ceremony raising the U.S. flag in Havana. “We remain convinced the people of Cuba would be best served by a genuine democracy,” Great, and if it works out in Cuba, maybe we can aim for that in the USA?
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Central New Jersey was hit by a 2.7 earthquake this morning. It would, of course, be uncharitable to suggest the quake was caused by Governor Chris Christie rushing to a campaign event.
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Sources are apparently telling the media that Geno Smith was taunting his now ex-teammate before Enemkpali punched him. “I am shocked,” said no one who follows the Jets. #samecircusdifferentmonkeys
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Marcus Mariota had an interception and fumble in his first two drives in the NFL pre-season. Is he angling to get traded to the Jets?
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Summer in New York, when many, including the media, have left the city for at least the weekend. So if Trump speaks and there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong?
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A dad is in jail after taking his 16-year old daughter and her 17-year-old friend to a strip club, where apparently they drank, snorted coke and pole-danced. Do I even need to say this happened in Florida?
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Florida State is implementing a mandatory course in social responsibilities for the school’s student-athletes. Next, will the school figure out how to make attendance any more mandatory than for other student-athlete courses?
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Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell announced today will take a medical leave because he has Hodgkin’s lymphoma, but that it is “very treatable and curable.” Unlike the play of his team.
(seriously, all best wishes to Farrell. Fortunately they do appear to have caught the cancer at stage 1.)
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Hillary Clinton has a plan to make college more affordable. Not surprisingly the GOP is against it. Why, the plan might result in more people being able to read.
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At Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio, a man was killed by a roller coaster after he lost his cellphone on the ride and jumped a fence into a restricted area to retrieve it. New warning signs coming “Don’t text and ride.” #cantfixstupid #butyoucanburystupid
(and the thing that solidifies this guy’s Darwin award, he was a teacher.)
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A gun store and shooting range in a small Oklahoma town has started advertising themselves as “Muslim-free.” Well, makes some sense because we all remember the worst terrorist in Oklahoma history was a Muslim…. Oh wait, never mind.
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#Apple is reportedly working on a self-driving car. As long as it doesn’t use Apple maps.
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Donald Trump will report for jury duty next week. But the Donald will probably be dismissed when he claims he is the sole caretaker for that fuzzy thing who lives on his head.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Chris Christie jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 10, 2015
You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up. Now Michigan State Rep. Todd Courser, who allegedly tried to cover up an affair by sending a fake email accusing himself of paying a male prostitute, is saying he will not resign. Courser says he will stay on to expose “political shenanigans” in the Capitol, that he only sent the email because he was being blackmailed, and that the Lansing “mafia” establishment is out to get him.
This guy is delusional enough you have to wonder if his next step is to declare for the 2016 GOP Presidential nomination.
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A man who was arrested 2 weeks ago for joy-riding on a jail lawn was arrested again today, for doing the same thing, on the same lawn. Do I even have to write that this is a Florida story? #cantfixstupid
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Meanwhile, a reporter asked Andrew Luck who his fastest teammate was, and the Colts QB responded “That’s like asking a parent who their favorite kid is.” These Stanford kids aren’t stupid.
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Leaving aside issues like actually running the country, anyone but me think you could make serious pay-per-view money on a Bernie Sanders-Donald Trump debate?
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The younger generation may not understand all the tributes pouring in for Frank Gifford, who started with Howard Cosell and Don Meredith on Monday Night Football in 1971. Mostly because these days it’s hard to imagine only one night a week for NFL football.
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Yellowstone rangers have captured a bear that allegedly killed a hiker Friday. They will do DNA tests, and if they get positive identification, “she will be euthanized because of the facts that she was feeding on the person.”
Makes some sense as a predatory bear is dangerous, but, hey, unlike some human hunters at least she was actually eating what she killed.
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The Red Sox have announced that closer Koji Uehara has fractured his wrist and will miss the rest of the season. Well, not like Boston was giving him many games to close anyway.
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Okay, Donald Trump is an ass, and insults women. Got it. Meanwhile other GOP candidates, yes, I am talking about you Scott Walker and Marco Rubio, won’t even declare they would allow abortions to save the life of the mother. #priorities?
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Oops, Disney Japan attempted to send out a “Merry Unbirthday” tweet from Alice in Wonderland, and managed to translate it as “Congratulations on your not special day.” This on the anniversary of the atom bomb being dropped on Nagasaki.
Sounds like a Mickey Mouse translating operation.
#Cantfixstupid, California division.
The SF Chronicle reported San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi’s driver’s license has been suspended since February after he didn’t notify the DMV about a non-injury car accident he was involved in last October. And the newspaper says as of today, he “Mirkarami still had neither filed the required accident report nor provided proof of insurance as required under law, state records show. He had also not paid the $55 fee to regain his full driving privileges, the records show.”
And why should he know the laws? He’s only the sheriff.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Bernie Sanders jokes, Frank Gifford jokes, GOP jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 28, 2015
So why would an intelligent man destroy a cell phone when it absolutely would make him look guilty? If the messages destroyed would make him look worse. #TomBrady
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But really, don’t we all want to destroy our phones when we get a new one? Because it’s so much fun re entering all those apps, contact information, bookmarks…
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The “Bachelorette” is finally over. But after weeks of guilty fun watching a couple dozen crazy contestants whittled down to a winner, for a relationship not even based in reality, well, Americans still have the GOP primary.
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Donald Trump is now saying he’d “love” to have Sarah Palin have some sort of position in his administration. That’s bold. Trump isn’t afraid Palin would take a shot at that furry thing that lives on his head?”
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LaTroy Hawkins, 42, has been sent to Toronto along with Troy Tulowitzki. Bit of a waste. Hawkins gets to Canada and universal healthcare just before he becomes eligible for Medicare.
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So Drew Storen has a 1.73 ERA and 29 saves out of 31 chances. And the Washington Nationals decide to bolster their playoff chances by adding… a temperamental closer (Papelbon). Same brilliant logic that had the team shut down Strasburg a few years back.
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The Mets’ Jenrry Mejia, is now suspended 162 games for his 2nd failed PED test. Once you might think you’re invulnerable. The second time? Proves again that MLB drug testing is also an IQ test. #cantfixstupid
Boston claimed Jean Machi off waivers Tuesday. Are the Red Sox trying to bolster their struggling bullpen? Or just to pick up a former Giant with experience reducing the amount of food available to Pablo Sandoval at the training table?
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So the hunter who illegally shot Cecil, Zimbabwe’s most famous, and protected. lion, is an American dentist who was put on probation in 2008 for lying about the location where he shot and killed a bear, and who regularly travels the world to shoot big cats, elk, bears, rhinos etc, with a bow and arrow instead of a gun. Why stop there? A real man would face one of these animals with no weapons at all.
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Good. The AP reports “According to Zimbabwe police spokeswoman Charity Charamba, (Minnesota dentist) Walter Palmer will face charges of poaching. It is alleged that Palmer worked with the guides to lure Cecil from the national park to an unprotected area by strapping a “dead animal to their vehicle.” #justiceforCecil
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Bachelorette jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Red Sox jokes, Tom Brady jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 18, 2015
Warriors coach Steve Kerr says after the Warriors victory parade Friday, “I just want to sit on my couch and watch the U.S. Open and drink beer.” Well, for the last two rounds maybe Kerr can invite Tiger Woods to join him,
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Apparently in the 24 hours after the Golden State Warriors won the NBA championship, a record amount of gear was sold. Wonder if for an extra charge manufacturers could make the shirts etc look like fans had been wearing them for a while.
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Donald Trump apparently offered actors $50 each to show up and cheer for him as he announced his run for the Presidency.. Aha, NOW I see the Donald’s jobs plan… imagine how many people he will have to hire to show up at his various campaign events.
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For the first time since 1970, McDonald’s is closing more restaurants than they are opening in the U.S. Because in an era of pizza with hot dogs and XXL grilled stuffed burritos, their offerings aren’t fattening enough for Americans anymore?
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An American tourist, 27, is in stable condition with bite wounds at a Cancun hospital. This after the man, while allegedly drunk, ignored England and Spanish warning signs and climbed the barbed-wire fence of a crocodile enclosure at the Iberostar resort…. And once again, Darwin is thinking “missed it by THAT much.” #cantfixstupid
Maybe SF Giants fans should be happy at least Sandoval left before we got these “Panda being Panda” stories. He was benched for tonight’s game after “liking” a young woman’s pictures on Instagram last night during the game. Said he was in the bathroom at the time…..
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A little inside baseball for SF Giants fans.
#Panda who? #McGehee who? #Duffy does it again. #SFGiants
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Astros’ GM Luhnow is denying reports that alleged Cardinals’ hackers got into the Astros database because he hadn’t changed his password(s). But have to wonder how many other people in baseball who have changed teams in the past just changed their passwords.
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And now back to the serious stuff. Don’t worry. I’m not going to stay with this much serious stuff for long. Though it would be nice to dream that maybe THIS time some things might actually change…. No joke.
The NY Times is reporting that the alleged Charleston terrorist was arrested and banned from a local mall in Feb. 2015 after he alarmed security guards by asking questions at stores about employees and when they left the mall. Then he was arrested again two months later at the mall, and jailed for 12 days. Clearly a troubled young man. And his dad decided that a good birthday present for him was a gun?!!!
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Well, that didn’t take long. FoxNews.com already has an editorial saying that if churches weren’t gun-free zones, last night’s ” horrible tragedy…probably could have been avoided.”
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And now it also comes out that last week the alleged Charleston terrorist told friends and neighbors at the park that “he was looking to kill a bunch of people on Wednesday.” And his roommate said the guy has been talking about “something like that for six months.”“He was big into segregation and other stuff.. He said he wanted to start a civil war. He said he was going to do something like that and then kill himself.”
But they thought he was joking. We’ve been taught to take suicide threats seriously, seems like it’s time to do the same with comments about killing. Even TSA, as much as we joke about them, would have stopped him for those words.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Cardinals jokes, Darwin awards, Darwin jokes, Janice Hough, McDonalds jokes, Sandoval jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
June 2, 2015
The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa. Scalpers should have a field day. If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.
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Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca. But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning, most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”
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Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.
June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?
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As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.
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So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? #Blatter
Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?
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Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.
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Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”
Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. #cantfixstupid
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So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”
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An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.
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So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?
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Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Blatter jokes, Duggars jokes, FIFA jokes, Florida jokes, hockey jokes, Huckabee jokes, Janice Hough, lion jokes, Stanley Cup jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 1, 2015
Donald Trump, who is expected to formally announce later this month that he is running for President, told an interviewer “I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS, and it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.”
When asked what it was, the Donald replied. “If I tell you right now, everyone else is going to say: “Wow, what a great idea.” You’re going to have 10 candidates going to use it and they’re going to forget where it came from. Which is me.”
So if Trump doesn’t get elected he’s not going to tell the world ever as punishment for regretting him?
Bruce Jenner has announced that as a woman she will be known as Caitlyn, and appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair with gorgeous auburn tresses. Well, fortunately there’s enough money in the family Caitlyn will never need to have a bad hair day.
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Have to root for #CaitlynJenner if for no other reason than she appears to be knocking Kim Kardashian’s latest pregnancy out of the headlines.
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The Surpreme Court rules in favor of a young Muslim woman who sued Abercrombie and Fitch when they didn’t hire her because she said she had to wear a head scarf. Good for the Court. But have to wonder, if you are religious enough to wear a hijab, why would you want to work at Abercrombie and Fitch?
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An American woman was killed at a South African Safari Park when she and her husband ignored signs and written instructions NOT to drive through with their car windows open, and she was bitten by a lion. An Australian man survived a lion bite in March when he too drove through with a window open.
Perhaps the Safari Park needs to change their strategy. Instead of warnings, just post “Visitors who drive through with open windows will reduce our lion food bill.” #cantfixstupid
CNN points out that Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected President since 1886. And that Grover Cleveland was accused of having a “love child.” Actually might help Graham to have rumors of an illegitimate kid.
KFC is suing some Chinese companies and demanding an apology over a social media campaign against KFC food, including a rumor that their chickens are genetically modified to have six wings and eight legs. But really, who would believe that KFC uses actual chicken?
After TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs in 67 out of 70 test cases, the acting head of the agency was reassigned. Homeland Security officials said in a statement – “The numbers in these reports never look good out of context.” Uh, is there a context in which a 95% failure rate looks good?
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Buster Posey was called out on a play at #AT&TPark where a Pirates fan was ruled to have interfered with a PITTSBURGH rightfielder’s attempt to catch a ball that might or might not have been catchable. Hmm… interesting potential strategy for #SFGiants fans on the road.
An optimistic note from Bill Littlejohn “Husband and wife Tony and Janet Blundy recently made back-to-back holes in one, a feat estimated at odds of 50,000,000-to-one. So, you see—there’s still hope for Tim Tebow.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, #cantfixstupid, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, KFC jokes, Lindsey Graham jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
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May 8, 2015
So let’s see, if Tom Brady gets a 3 game suspension, he misses the Steelers, Bills and Jaguars games….. if he gets a 4 game suspension, he misses the Cowboys. New England vs. Dallas. That’s a tough one. Many Americans are going to have a hard time deciding which team they would rather see lose.
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No other QB in the NFL so far has said anything of substance on the Tom Brady “Deflate-gate” issue. But I wonder how many of them have been on their phones deleting texts?
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Pretty clear that the Patriots didn’t need to cheat to beat the Colts in the AFC championship game. Of course, Nixon didn’t need to cheat to beat McGovern either…. #whenwilltheyeverlearn #coverupworsethanthecrime
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Besides deflecting Deflate-gate questions, Tom Brady commented yesterday on his no-show at the White House last month, saying if the Patriots won again “there’s no doubt I’ll be there. They should just give me a little more planning in advance.” Gosh, and how could anyone think the man is disingenuous?
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The poor get poorer? Dante Fowler Jr., #3 pick in the 2015 NFL draft, tore his ACL less than an hour into the Jaguars’ rookie mini-camp. On the bright side, looking like Jacksonville should have another high draft pick next year..
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A new WSJ/NBC poll found that 52% of Americans would be comfortable with a evangelical Christian presidential candidate, but 61% would be comfortable with a gay or lesbian president. #Fabulous #thetimestheyareachangin
Meanwhile, Lindsey Graham is set to announce his candidacy for 2016 on June 1. #justsayin
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A GOP state senator from Vermont was arrested on Thursday after he allegedly solicited sex from two women in exchange for overdue rent. Presumably not the way Republicans in the state wanted to stop Bernie Sanders from getting all the headlines.
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At Heathrow Airport’s Terminal 2, a misting globe will dispense fragrances through the air that represent Brazil, China, South Africa, Thailand and Japan, as those are destinations passengers can reach from Heathrow.
Hmm…. out of Terminal 2 you can also take United nonstop to Newark, New Jersey…..
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How the mighty have fallen. Today’s ESPN headline. “Tiger birdies final hole to move above cut line.”
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Apparently Texas has gotten too many of the headlines: A principal of a charter high school was arrested after she was caught with a student, partially unclothed, and allegedly smoking marijuana. Nice trifecta, Florida.
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Spanish police caught a woman trying to smuggle an eight-year-old boy across the border inside a suitcase. And U.S. airlines just got another idea for transporting discount fare passengers.
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Warning on a new SPF 30 moisturizer – For External Use Only. Well, glad they cleared that up…. #cantfixstupid #toomanylawyers
From Bill Littlejohn ” Leaked from Tom Brady’s appeal to Roger Goodell. ‘To air is human, to forgive is divine.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Brady jokes, Deflate-gate jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes, Tom Brady jokes, travel jokes
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May 5, 2015
A picture has gone viral of some idiot family -teenagers and dad -proudly posing in front of Tumalo Falls in Oregon, after they carved their initials into the railing. Where is a good mountain lion when you need one?
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A Florida couple was convicted and could face up to 15 years in prison for “lewd and lascivious behavior” because they were having sex on a beach during the middle of the day in front of families including children. Thinking this being Florida they might do less time if they had just shot a witness. #humpingtheirground
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New Dallas DE Greg Hardy has already been suspended for 10 games over domestic violence. Now after a Carolina Panthers fan tweeted a picture of Kelvin Benjamin and new draft pick Devin Funchess, describing the new teammates as “The Twin Towers.” Hardy tweeted back “didn’t the twin towers get blown up lol.” #cantfixstupid
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Marilyn Hartman, California’s “serial stowaway”, now has been arrested twice at O’Hare for sneaking into a restricted area without a ticket. Wonder if TSA at least confiscated her bottled water?
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Regarding this trendy new “#HowOldRobot new app. Does it automatically add years to your age if you can’t figure out how do to the app?
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The #Cubs said they will FINALLY open two bleacher sections next Monday. Meaning beer sales at #WrigleyField for 2015 are about to double.
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Floyd Mayweather says he is willing to fight Manny Pacquiao again. The bigger question might be who is willing to pay to see it. #foolmeonce…
Sign of the apocalypse? Donald Trump actually said something I agree with.on Fox News. That the shootings at the “Draw Muhammad” contest were “disgusting,” But “she (Pam Geller) is taunting them… it’s risky for her. I don’t know – maybe she likes risk. But what the hell is she doing, and what is the purpose of it?’ ‘They can’t do something else? They have to be in the middle of Texas, doing something on Muhammad and insulting everybody?’
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The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner has to be thrilled with last night’s performance. Not his no-hitter into the 7th, and 8 shutout innings despite 4 errors. But Madbum FINALLY broke his 0 for the season with his first hit! Now for that first home run. #DHmyass
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A Florida man was arrested after he tried to cash a check for $368 billion dollars. Hmm, had he only tried to cash one for $368 million would he have gotten away with it?
Okay, who had as of May 5 that the #SFGiants‘ leader in RBI’s and HR’s would be #BrandonCrawford? Now all you liars put your hands down.
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Carly Fiorina is now defending her record at HP, saying all her layoffs helped “transform a company from failing to succeeding.” Well, there might be some truth to that, but thinking the firing that most helped the company was her own.
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Carson, Fiorina, Huckabee…. who’s next this week? Thinking the fire marshall is soon going to be placing limits on the number on stage for the first GOP Presidential Primary debate?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Carly Fiorina jokes, Cubs jokes, Florida jokes, GOP jokes, Greg Hardy jokes, Janice Hough, Mayweather jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
May 2, 2015
This year Kentucky Derby hype overlaps with NFL draft hype. Makes sense, both events feature extremely talented young males who will likely go on to have many out-of-wedlock offspring.
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Jameis Winston celebrated being chosen #1 in the draft by posting an Instragram photo of himself, with crab legs. Even Johnny Manziel is going “Dude, THINK”
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A man has filed a class action lawsuit against MillerCoors because he thinks they are pretending that “Blue Moon” is a ‘craft’ beer. Really? What’s next, a suit saying that Coors using “Rocky Mountain High” is false because the beer doesn’t contain marijuana?
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So a former aide to Chris Christie has pleaded guilty in “Bridgegate” although the N.J. denies knowledge of any wrongdoing. A Christie-Clinton debate could be fun, and maybe might include real issues. After, “okay, I’ll accept your denials if you accept mine. Next”
A new Stanford study found that thinking can help spread brain tumors. So maybe it’s not just our imagination that stupid people can seem to live forever.
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At this point wouldn’t it be more newsworthy if some actress who worked with Bill Cosby said he DIDN’T assault her?
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A new joint technology with Samsonite and Samsung will have GPS microchip technology in suitcases. So travelers will be able to find out to which different cities the airlines have sent their luggage.
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The #cantfixstupid competition for the week is heating up. In Montana, a man featured on a “Crime Stoppers” Facebook page was arrested after he “liked” his own online wanted poster…..
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So of course the riots in Baltimore bring out the crazies on both sides with social media posts. Like this one on FB:
“So I am watching the news in Baltimore and see large swarms of people throwing bricks, etc at police who are fleeing from their assaults … 15 in the hospital already. Solution. Simple. Shoot em. Period. End of discussion. I don’t care what causes the protestors to turn violent…what the “they did it because” reason is…no way is this acceptable. Flipping disgusting.”
So what kind of idiot guy posts this? Oh, it was a woman, Teana Walsh. And she is, or maybe was, an assistant prosecutor near Detroit. #cantfixstupid
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#MLB says average game time in 2015 has dropped by 8 min. Alas, progress may be derailed by weekend of Red Sox-Yankees games. #NYYvsBOS
Almost 26 years ago on the eve of the Kentucky Derby, I was at least a week more than 9 months pregnant. And am convinced that with a tie game into the eighth inning, Giants pitcher Mike LaCoss (sorry Buffy) put me into labor. (Dramatic, albeit not fun – three walks then a bases clearing double.)
Tonight, on the eve of the Derby, Kate is in labour. Not sure the Brits follow baseball. But after the Giants’ walk-off win in the ninth maybe she should name the kid after Joe Panik?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Baltimore jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky Derby jokes, NFL draft jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 