Posted tagged ‘travel jokes’

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Nous sommes avec brussels

March 22, 2016

 

But if we stop we stop laughing the terrorists win. ‪#‎Brussels‬

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And note to terrorists – Pis off.

pis

(mannekin pis,  the unofficial symbol of Brussels.)

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Already some GOP criticism that Obama did not leave Cuba and fly home after the Brussels bombings. Of course, if he had, no doubt the same folks would have accused the President of looking weak and cowed in response to terrorism.

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So let’s see, will Trump or Cruz be the first to call for internment camps?

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For all those who are remembering “24” and thinking what we need is Jack  Bauer, or just more torture to prevent attacks, there’s one little detail – torture often doesn’t work. And then we put American lives more at risk. Just saying. And no, it isn’t easy. It is never easy. ‪#‎Brussels‬

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The Browns’ owners Jimmy and Dee Haslam said today they don’t feel they enabled Johnny Manziel while he was in Cleveland. And they said it with a straight face.

 

Jerry Jones says he wants to help Johnny Manziel get his life together off the field before the Cowboys would consider signing him. Translation, we think Romo is healthy and we’re not in panic mode, yet.

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Usain Bolt says he is retiring after the Rio Olympics, and some talk of trying to turn him into a NFL wide receiver But hey, Olympics are over in August. Why not a pinch-runner to be used during MLB’s September call-ups?

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Police in Los Angeles are looking for a JetBlue flight attendant who fled after being chosen for random security screening, leaving behind 70 lbs of cocaine in her carry-on luggage. Shocking, who can LIFT 70 lbs in their carry-on luggage.

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In Alabama, state legislators are considering a bill requiring all teachers to take training on how not to have sex with their students. This is a state that also has “abstinence-only” education. Maybe put the teachers in the same classes? ‪#‎youcannotmakethisstuffup‬

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Rudy Giuliani apparently is about to endorse Donald Trump. No date given, but presumably his press conference will be at 9:11 some morning.

 

CNN “Since declaring its caliphate in June 2014, the self-proclaimed Islamic State has conducted or inspired nearly 75 terrorist attacks in 20 countries outside Iraq and Syria which have killed at least 1,280 people and injured more than 1,770 others.”
Scary. But now for the stats just from the U.S: Through March 22, in 2016, gun violence has killed 2,803 people and injured 5.617 others.

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In 2017, Sarah Palin is apparently going to star in a new “Judge Judy-style” courtroom reality show. Dear gawd. Is this the first step in Palin’s dream of being appointed by President Trump to the Supreme Court?

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Democratic caucus results in Idaho were delayed tonight. Wouldn’t it be have been easier to ask both Democrats in Idaho how they voted?

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R.I.P. Rob Ford. Only 46. He was often a punchline as mayor of Toronto. But he loved his city, he loved his constituents, and while he was deeply flawed, he wasn’t mean.

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Decisions, decisions

May 8, 2015

So let’s see, if Tom Brady gets a 3 game suspension, he misses the Steelers, Bills and Jaguars games….. if he gets a 4 game suspension, he misses the Cowboys. New England vs. Dallas. That’s a tough one. Many Americans are going to have a hard time deciding which team they would rather see lose.

 

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No other QB in the NFL so far has said anything of substance on the Tom Brady “Deflate-gate” issue. But I wonder how many of them have been on their phones deleting texts?

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Pretty clear that the Patriots didn’t need to cheat to beat the Colts in the AFC championship game. Of course, Nixon didn’t need to cheat to beat McGovern either…. ‪#‎whenwilltheyeverlearn‬ ‪#‎coverupworsethanthecrime‬

 

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Besides deflecting Deflate-gate questions, Tom Brady commented yesterday on his no-show at the White House last month, saying if the Patriots won again “there’s no doubt I’ll be there. They should just give me a little more planning in advance.” Gosh, and how could anyone think the man is disingenuous?

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The poor get poorer? Dante Fowler Jr., #3 pick in the 2015 NFL draft, tore his ACL less than an hour into the Jaguars’ rookie mini-camp. On the bright side, looking like Jacksonville should have another high draft pick next year..

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A new WSJ/NBC poll found that 52% of Americans would be comfortable with a evangelical Christian presidential candidate, but 61% would be comfortable with a gay or lesbian president. ‪#‎Fabulous‬ ‪#‎thetimestheyareachangin‬

Meanwhile, Lindsey Graham is set to announce his candidacy for 2016 on June 1. #justsayin

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A GOP state senator from Vermont was arrested on Thursday after he allegedly solicited sex from two women in exchange for overdue rent. Presumably not the way Republicans in the state wanted to stop Bernie Sanders from getting all the headlines.

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At Heathrow Airport’s Terminal 2, a misting globe will dispense fragrances through the air that represent Brazil, China, South Africa, Thailand and Japan, as those are destinations passengers can reach from Heathrow.

Hmm…. out of Terminal 2 you can also take United nonstop to Newark, New Jersey…..

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How the mighty have fallen. Today’s ESPN headline. “Tiger birdies final hole to move above cut line.”

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Apparently Texas has gotten too many of the headlines: A principal of a charter high school was arrested after she was caught with a student, partially unclothed, and allegedly smoking marijuana. Nice trifecta, Florida.

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Spanish police caught a woman trying to smuggle an eight-year-old boy across the border inside a suitcase. And U.S. airlines just got another idea for transporting discount fare passengers.

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Warning on a new SPF 30 moisturizer – For External Use Only. Well, glad they cleared that up…. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎toomanylawyers‬

 

From Bill Littlejohn  ” Leaked from Tom Brady’s appeal to Roger Goodell. ‘To air is human, to forgive is divine.”

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If he’s really leaving, who can he take with him?

February 24, 2014

Alec Baldwin says he is leaving New York and “It’s goodbye to public life.” Is it too soon to start a pool on his next headline-causing incident?

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That sinking feeling when it’s only February and you think the “Darwin Award Winner of the Year” competition might be over: Police are reporting a Michigan man fatally shot himself in the head Sunday, while demonstrating gun safety..

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Meanwhile, the geography award of the day goes to the client who asked me to send her all the flight options from Amsterdam to the Hague….

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Former San Diego State RB Adam Muema left the NFL combine early, telling a reporter that God told him if he quit, he’d play for the Seattle Seahawks. “(God) told me to sit down, be quiet, and enjoy the peace.” Sounds like Muema’s likely to enjoy the peace of a phone not ringing.

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Apparently McDonalds may start serving their breakfast items until 12n. And many Millenials are thinking. “Dudes, why stop so early in the day?”

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Taco Bell is introducing a waffle taco. Presumably the product will debut in Colorado and Washington?

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Now that the Sochi games are over, most casual American sports fans can stop ignoring the Olympics, and start ignoring the NHL and NBA regular seasons.

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Harold Ramis, co-writer of “Animal House” has passed away. Toga party in heaven tonight?

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For the second time in a year, Disney is raising prices for their Magic Kingdom Park in Florida, to $99 for a single day pass. Gosh, for the cost of taking a family of four, you could almost buy a bleacher seat at Yankee Stadium.

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A recent AP poll of Americans found that while 48% were against letting airline passengers make inflight cellphone calls, amongst those who’d flown at least 4 times in the last year, the opposition rate was 78%. Those other 22% are no doubt the reason most of us are so against the idea.

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Number one response across America this morning to CNN’s announcement of their cancellation of Piers Morgan’s prime time show. “Piers Morgan HAD a prime time show?

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NASCAR musings.

From T.C.  “Kazakhstan finished last in the medal count with 1 bronze at Sochi. Richard Petty said they would have won it all if no one else showed up.”

From Gary M.  “Richard Petty has accepted Tony Stewart’s challenge to race Danica Patrick. At 76, it’ll be interesting to see what wears out first: Richard or his turn signal.”

 

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The show’s the thing.

February 18, 2013

Downton Abbey Season 3 Finale was Sunday night, along with the NBA All-Star Game. One is about rich, pampered and privileged people who live in a fantasy world; the other is a BBC series.

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At this point the situation in DC is such that if President Obama came out with a resolution praising motherhood and apple pie, the GOP would accuse him of being anti-fathers and disrespectful of other fruits.

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Just in time for Lincoln’s birthday, the state of Mississippi on Feb 7, 2013, finally officially ratified the 13th amendment abolishing slavery. Who says the South is backwards?

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Sorry to hear of the death of longtime Lakers owner, Jerry Buss. On the bright side, he doesn’t have to watch any more of this season.

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Congrats to Danica Patrick, who won the pole for the Daytona 500. Let the pole-dancing jokes begin.

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Just a nasty story about that 60 year old man who is accused of using a racial slur and slapping a crying 2 year old on a flight earlier this month. What kind of scumbag slaps a young child on a plane? Now, slapping a few parents, I can see the temptation….

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Really?! Lots of people talk too loud on their cellphone, but woman in an airport lounge is reading her credit card number, expiration date and security code loud enough to hear it across the room. Economic Darwinism in action?

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Although Facebook earned more $1.1 billion in 2012, a tax break for executive stock options meant that the company not only paid no federal/state taxes, they will actually get tax refunds of $429 million. And some will still say businesses can’t afford to operate in California….

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Maker’s Mark says that customer feedback has caused the company to reverse their decision to cut their whiskey from 90 to 84 proof due to a “supply shortage.” Well, guess this answers that question – “What happened to the guy who came up with the idea for New Coke?”

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Tampa Bay DE Da’Quan Bowers was arrested today at La Guardia airport after police found a loaded handgun in his carry-on bag. Jeez, what was he thinking? Trying to get traded to the Bengals?.

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Spring training games haven’t even started and the season’s first error? Josh Hamilton told a Dallas tv station last weekend that the DFW area is “not a true baseball town.” (April 22, mark your calendar, when the Angels play the Rangers in Arlington.)

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CBS pulled their new reality series “The Job” after two episodes. In fact the ratings were so bad they’re considering picking up the show at NBC.

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Missed it by that much?

May 23, 2012

The  “Player formerly known as Ron Artest”  about the Lakers’ loss “(We) definitely underachieved,” World Peace said. “We were the best team in the NBA and lost in five (games).” Never thought I’d write this sentence, but for now, I think we’ve all had enough of World Peace.  –

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Constantly seeing this Facebook ad for “Maverick PAC.” It asks me to “Join our network of conservative, young professionals.” So what’s the bigger miss here, that I am conservative, or that I am young?

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Another thought on the latest craziness out of Arizona. The state.  at the instructions of Sheriff Joe Arpaio,  paid to send a deputy to Hawaii to look into Obama’s birth certificate. But they don’t want to waste taxpayer money on birth control?

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The outgoing president of the South Carolina AFL-CIO was seen on video bashing a pinata of Governor Nikki Haley’s face at a retreat last weekend. This prompted two responses from the GOP: 1. Outrage. 2. Quick, hide the Obama pinatas.

 

 

A young child escaped with minor injuries after his parents put him in a laundromat washing machine as a joke, and the machine automatically started running. Shame parenthood doesn’t at least have the same rules the Humane Society requires to adopt a pet.

 

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Wall Street is definitely defriending Facebook.

 

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How far does Facebook stock have to fall before the GOP blames it on Obama.

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The US Airways flight that diverted to Bangor over a security threat was apparently because a woman said she had “a device surgically implanted inside her.” Let’s hope implants don’t start putting people on the no-fly list, or it will ground half the women in Los Angeles.

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A US Airways flight from Paris to Charlotte has been diverted to Bangor due to a so far unspecified “security issue.” Wonder how many passengers are already demanding that the airline credit them with the extra frequent flier miles. –

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Eugene J. Polley,, 96, has died. He was the inventor of the televison remote control. Funeral plans have not been finalized but a number of speakers apparently will be alternating back and forth in short rapid stints at the service.

 

 

Deliberations continue in  the John Edwards trial. Wonder if jurors are still trying to find some reason to make being a scumbag a criminal offense

 

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Not saying tonight’s game five between the Heat and the Pacers was rough,  but the winner may be sanctioned by the WWE.

 

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“American Idol” final competition Tuesday night. Not to be confused with the Lakers and Clippers, who are “L.A. Idle.”

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Cncinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman was arrested for speeding (93 in a 71 MPH zone) and driving with a suspended license. This about a year after Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting. Who do these guys think they are – Bengals?

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A whole of lot of bad sports

July 27, 2010

President Obama will appear on “the View” Thursday. And he thought he had a hard time getting a word in edgewise with Joe Biden….

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On Monday, Despite rumors that BP CEO Tony Hayward was on his way out, a company spokesman said “Tony Hayward remains our chief executive and has the full support of the board and senior management.” Guess the translation was- “We’re still working out the severance package.”

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Two former University of Memphis basketball players were arrested this weekend, after a routine traffic stop showed the driver had a suspended license, and police found both marijuana and a loaded gun in the car. Say what you want about the Memphis program, but they do seem to produce players who are NBA ready.

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Dallas Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant basically refused to take part in the team’s regular hazing ritual of carrying a veteran’s shoulder pads after practice, and said he is “focusing on catching passes, not rookie rituals.”

Well, we don’t know how he’ll do with catching passes, but he’s done a nice job of painting a bullseye on his own back.

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The Cincinnati Bengals are apparently trying to work out a contract with Terrell Owens to have him join Chad Ochocino on the team. One of the potential sticking points…. would T.O. and Ochocino together put the Bengals over the NFL’s ego cap
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The Tigers’ Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen just joined the team’s already packed disabled list. Disappointed Detroit sports fans are thinking, well, it’s almost football season. Er, scratch that, when does the NHL start?

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How expensive have California politics become? Even billionaire Jeff Greene had to move out of state and switch parties to run for the Senate. (Greene ran for Congress as a Republican in 1982, but moved out of state two years ago and is now running as a Democrat in Florida.)
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Continental Airlines is testing “self-boarding” at Houston airport, whereby passengers just swipe a boarding pass at a kiosk and get on the plane without dealing with a human agent. And given the travel manners of the average American, what could possibly go wrong?

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British Airways is going to set up the “first sustainable jet-fuel plant in Europe.” The plant will actually make fuel out of waste, including leftover uneaten and/or inedible food. Well, they won’t have any problem finding plenty of that in England.
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Here we go again. Now in Philadelphia two Drexel University basketball players are facing armed robbery charges. If these student athletes wanted to make money in college so badly, why didn’t they just go to USC?
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Barry Zito, $18 million a year, and at least a mediocre quality start tonight, Aaron Rowand, $12 million a year and an actual (fan-aided) homerun plus a single. Edgar Renteria, $9 million a year….and 0-5 with 3 strikeouts. Well, two out of three ain’t as bad as usual.

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Howard Dean charged Fox News with being racist. Not so, replied a Fox News spokesman, We aren’t racist, we hate all liberals equally.

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Tea Party members are fond of saying “Taxation is theft.” So when do they start refusing all government benefits as gifts of stolen property?

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If shoes were sold like airline tickets.

April 27, 2009

I’m not sure if this is funny, although I worry more that it’s not that farfetched.

 

Customer:  “I’d like to buy a pair of the “Supercool Superfast” running shoes you have advertised for $39.99, size 8 medium.”

Clerk: “Certainly ma’am, that will be $159.99.”

Customer: “Wait a minute,the advertised price said $39.99.”

Clerk:  “Yes, but that’s per shoe.”

Customer:  “That’s still only about half of what you are charging me.”

Clerk:  “Yes, but that doesn’t include the fuel costs involved to get the shoes to our store. And of course sales tax, a fee to cover our store security, and  local taxes from China where the shoes were made.  Plus there’s a couple others, I don’t remember them exactly.”

Customer: “That doesn’t really seem right.”

Clerk: “And that final price does include a surcharge for mypersonal assistance. We do have to charge a little more when you don’t order online.”

Customer: “So I could have gotten a better price without actually coming to the store?”

Clerk: “Yes, if you could have figured out our website, I have been told it’s a little confusing. And then there would have been a restocking fee if you didn’t like the shoes.”

Customer: “So there really were no shoes available at the advertised price?”

Clerk: “No, the ad is correct. But actually, it’s all explained in the fine print. You know the price would have been cheaper if you came in Tuesday or Wednesday night. And the least expensive price is only available for size 5 narrow. Most sizes are more. Just be glad you don’t need one of our premium sizes.”

Customer: “Well, I need the shoes, and they are supposed to be great. So fine, I’ll take them.”

Clerk:  “Great, and would you like laces for an additional $20?”

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Tiger’s not leading this post.

April 11, 2009

Actually the first thoughts today for your potential amusement are from the travel world.   My day job is as a travel agent, and well, sometimes you just can’t make this stuff up.

It started with a phone call to Hertz Rent A Car’s international travel agent desk, to book a car from Tours, France – at the TGV station – to drop off at a Paris airport.  Note, this was NOT their general domestic phone number.

This is an unedited conversation:
“Where does he want to pick up the car?”

“At the TGV station in Tours”

“Tours?”

“Tours, yes, T-O-U-R-S.”

“Is that in Paris?”

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I told this story to a client who was born in Paris, and she topped me with three questions she has heard this year.

“Is France the capital of Paris?”  (and no, it wasn’t a just a transposition of words, the questioner meant it.)

“Oh, you’re French.  Do you speak French?”

“Do they use credit cards in France?”

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And now to Tiger.  It’s day two of the Masters and most of the headlines for the last two days  are in the vein of   “Tiger five strokes back after round one.”  “Tiger is seven strokes back.”    Any more questions as to who is the might be the  most dominating major athlete in the Western  world?

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Arizona State University is reconsidering its decision not to give an honorary degree to President Barack Obama. But really, what’s more embarrassing… ASU not giving an honorary degree to Obama, or Yale giving one to George W . Bush?

(yes, they did….in addition to the one he “earned” in 1968.)

 

A Florida high school baseball team apparently bought, killed and buried a snake on their field in an effort to stop their losing streak.   Let’s hope that the team’s losing ways continue, or there won’t be a safe serpent in Chicago.

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But okay, all you sports fans still trying to get over the end of March Madness.  For the pool as to who would be the last undefeated major league baseball team, who had the Florida Marlins?

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