Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Not so smooth sailing?

January 8, 2017

 

On the brighter side for #NYGiants they now have all the time in the world to plan more boat parties.

Four blowout wild-card football games this weekend remind us why baseball is the best sport. No matter how lopsided the score there is always a chance for a comeback.

The Miami Dolphins looked as overmatched against Ben Roethlisberger today as a co-ed in a bar. #Bustohell

Fired coach #SonnyDykes was 19-30 in four years at Cal.  19-30,   Sounds like a possible coaching upgrade for @49ers.

The 76ers have improved to 10-25, and Joel Embiid is talking about the playoffs -“I think we have a chance. We’ve been hot lately.”
Did they legalize marijuana in Pennsylvania and not tell us?

 

Amazing how many who insisted Obama was helped/influenced by foreign Muslims have no problem w/ Russia being helped/influenced by Russia.

To save time money & risk maybe television networks could pick  one joint pool person to report outside per major storm? “Yes, it’s raining/snowing hard” here.

Mariah Carey today said that on New Year’s eve she “was looking forward to a celebratory moment with the world. It’s a shame that we were put into the hands of a production team with technical issues who chose to capitalize on circumstances beyond our control.”
Four words Mariah, “Give it up already.”

On @FaceTheNation @CoryBooker very good in defending Obamacare but looked quite orange. Maybe makeup artist wanted him to look presidential.

 

Martin Shkreli has been suspended from Twitter for harassing woman journalist. What a shame that policy didn’t apply to candidates during the Presidential election.

Hugh Laurie tonight reminded us how much we miss House. Hugh Grant reminds us of what Prime Minister could say to US President #GoldenGlobes

 

If @CoryBooker is elected President in 2020 I would like to nominate #MerylStreep as Director of Communications or Press Secretary #GoldenGIobe

British PM Theresa May asked what she thought about Trump’ s pussy grabbing comments ‘as a woman’.
Her response “‘I think that’s unacceptable but I think Donald Trump himself has said that and has apologised for it.” And “the relationship the UK has with the US is about something much bigger than the relationship between the two individuals as president and prime minister…. it’s a relationship where we feel in the UK we can say to the US if we disagree with something.”
Right, and our President-Elect is so magnanimous in dealing with those who disagree with him. #passthepopcorn

Numbers game.

December 14, 2016

Gregg Popovich has 1,109 career wins in the regular season. 1,001 of them were with Tim Duncan.

 

Despite announcing the wrong winner last year, Steve Harvey has been invited back to host the next Miss Universe pageant. Forgiveness? Or FOX figuring that viewers hoping for another flub will give them all-time high ratings?

Jim Brown is a legend but wonder why Donald Trump met with Ray Lewis. Hope it wasn’t for advice on how to get away with murder?

Lions CB Darius Slay, on the Pro Bowl being in Orlando instead of Hawaii “It’s really pointless.” Uh, has the Pro Bowl ever been anything but?

(Idea, what if being picked as a Pro Bowler just gets you two free tickets to Hawaii. Save the wear and tear and potential injuries Of course this would disappoint at least a dozen fans.).

WR Michael Floyd was arrested for DUI and failure to obey a police officer after he was found allegedly passed out in his running car early Monday morning on a Scottsdale street. Today the Cardinals released him. When will they ever learn – if you want to stay on a team and get arrested, you’d better be a superstar.

Lane Kiffin already has his first controversy as coach of FAU, by signing East Mississippi Community College QB De’Andre Johnson. Johnson was a top prospect who was dismissed from Florida State he was seen on video in a bar punching a woman.
So congratulations to all those who had December 14 in the pool

 

At San Francisco Intl Airport (SFO), a traffic management program is in effect, causing some arriving flights to be delayed an average of over 2 hours. Or as frequent fliers in and out of SFO call it “Wednesday.”

Reports are that at least 300 employees of Google and Twitter and other tech companies have signed a pledge to refuse to help Trump build a Muslim registry. Of course there’s another way out of this, have Yahoo or AOL volunteer to build the registry; then it just won’t work.

Conagra Brands, the company that makes Reddi-wip, said they may have a shortage this Christmas due to a fatal explosion at a Florida nitrous oxide plant this summer. The horror. This could mean not only no aerosol whipped cream this holiday, but no dregs of nitrous oxide in the can to help survive your relatives.

Good to see #Trump taking time between insults, celebrity pics & thank yous to tweet about tragedy that is #Aleppo. Oh, wait, never mind.

Trump is considering Carly Fiorina as Director of National Intelligence. Because after the report of Russian hacking Donald might want Carly to do to Intelligence employees what she did to those at HP?

Carly Fiorina in the debate after Donald Trump insulted her face. “I think women all over this country heard very clearly what Mr. Trump said.” Yeah, and it sounds like in the end Carly herself paid about as much attention to what he said as many women.

After meeting with Trump, #Kanye tweeted today #2024. Isn’t it a little premature to think of taking on President #CoryBooker?

BP announced it is moving headquarters from Houston to Denver. This following Exxon-Mobil moving its headquarters to the White House?

 

 

from Marc Ragovin “The NY Yankees have signed Reuben Tejeda to a minor league contract. He reportedly is head over heels with the move.”

The Buck stops here?

October 24, 2016

There is a petition being circulated to replace Joe Buck with Bob Uecker for the World Series. They had me at “replace Joe Buck.”

In the December 2014 Foster Farms Bowl matching Stanford and Maryland at Levi’s Stadium, so few fans were interested that organizers closed off the upper bowl of the stadium and moved everyone down to the lower levels.
So for future home games, how much worse do the 49ers have to get before the team decides to do the same thing?

#NFL wonders why TV ratings are down & then Seahawks and Cardinals play to a 6-6 tie in overtime on Sunday Night Football.

 

General Mills said today they will produce limited-edition Girl Scout cookie cereal, in both Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavors. Isn’t it easier to just eat cookies for breakfast?

Saddest thing about this election? Molly Ivins is not still on earth to cover it.

Monday – October 24- was the last day to register to vote in California. So presume everyone who has not voted has forfeited bitching rights until next election!

Elizabeth Warren to Trump “nasty women have really had it with guys like you. And on November 8. we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.”
Sometimes even the best SNL skit is no match for reality. #YouGoGirl

 

Despite Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments, a recent Zogby poll showed 12% of Arab-American Muslims said they’d vote for him. Guessing 99% of that 12% are men?

This sort of thing would be funnier if it weren’t true: Trump, denying his latest accuser “And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
Can just imagine the Donald’s response on the subject of marital rape…

Last week President Obama said that while people worry about being “left behind” with globalization “To try to pull-up a drawbridge on trade would only hurt us and hurt our workers.”
To which Chris Christie no doubt responded “Uh, you don’t need a drawbridge.”

Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara, asked about any “October Surprises” today, responded “There’s still a couple of days left in October. So, we’ll see, we’ve got some stuff up our sleeve.”
Yeah, sounds like she’s become a Trump alright.

 –

Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway claimed that her boss would love more debates “the country benefits from those type of forum and we’d be willing to do another one if somehow they can squeeze it in.”
So is Conway really working for the Donald? Or for Alec Baldwin?

 

Donald Trump today, trying to feed the hand he’s been biting “Go out and vote and that includes helping me reelect Republicans all over the place. He then added: “I hope they help me too! It’d be nice if they help us too, right?”
Someone really should tell the Donald that there is this thing called the internet that keeps track of every insult you say.

 

 

 

 

Marc Ragovin   “After watching the Giants/Rams game, I am surprised the Brits haven’t severed relations with the US.”

 

Going long

October 16, 2016

Today Drew Brees threw for 465 YDS & 4 TD, and the @Saints barely won. Rumor has it there is part of an NFL game you can play called “defense.”

Latest college football rankings, #Pac12 has exactly 2 teams in the top 25. Traditional powers Washington and.. Utah?

#LARams have got to be lying awake at night wondering how they ever lost to this #49ers team. #SFvsBUF

#RudyGuiliani today said he “would have to be a moron to say” that the election “is going to be fair.” And his point is?

 

Lots of verbal attacks on #ColinKaerpernick in Buffalo today. Silly Bills fans. Did they realize that Kap & the 49ers might have provided the best home game entertainment they’ll see all year?. Next visitors – the Patriots.

 

Hard to be an #SFGiants fan watching Puig against Chapman.  No way to root for them both to fail.

Altamonte Springs, my high-school home town: A woman was arrested this week after posting video online of her son driving her car – the boy is 7 years old. Back on your game, Florida.

Never thought I’d say anything positive about Sarah Palin. But at least she had a sense of humor. Trump tweet of the day “Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me.Time to retire the boring and unfunny show. Alec Baldwin portrayal stinks. Media rigging election!”

Whatever happens in election suppose both @HillaryClinton & @realDonaldTrump can both take credit for helping to resurrect #SNL

 

Trump is insisting that he has lost “large numbers of women voters based on made up events THAT NEVER HAPPENED.” But those “wonderful” and “courageous” women speaking out about Bill Clinton – their stories are 100% true….

Apparently someone threw a bottle of flammable liquid through the window of a GOP office in North Carolina. And Trump tweeted “Animals representing Hillary Clinton and Dems in North Carolina just firebombed our office in Orange County because we are winning.”
Now, Hillary decried the act, but I guess I’m missing something – if Trump’s followers are violent it’s a righteous rage, but if it’s his opponents they are animals?

This is actually really scary, according to a poll from the Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. “Only about one-third of Republicans said they have a great deal or quite a bit of confidence that votes on Election Day will be counted fairly.”
But has it occurred to Trump that if Hillary really could rig an election, she’d have done it starting with the 2008 Democratic primaries?

 

As Trump talks about the election ” absolutely being rigged,” including at many polling placs, have to ask…. has the Donald actually BEEN to a polling place? Last time before I gave up and decided to vote by mail, the average poll workers were “mature” to say the least, and having a hard time just matching voters to their lists. Not exactly the folks you’d enlist in a complicated conspiracy.

 

This morning on “Meet the Press” Mike Pence ” We will absolutely accept the result of the election.” So with all the people Trump has attacked on Twitter, how long until he adds his running mate to the list?

From my friend TC, sent to him by Berney:   img_0806

Stages of grief?

October 12, 2016

So denial, then anger. Is the bargaining phase when we start rooting for #DustyBaker at least to get a ring? @SFGiants

 

What time is the game on tomorrow? Oh wait…. Yeah, baseball is designed to break your heart. #MLB #SFGiants

So in looking on bright side as #SFGiants fan, if #BlueJays make it to #WorldSeries we might get to watch #JustinTrudeau attend games.

#SFGiants going into late innings with 5 runs and a big lead does not appear to be a winning strategy. #NLDSGame4 #WorldSeries2002

Meanwhile, the San Diego Padres have fired their President after the team missed the postseason for the 10th straight year. So wonder who the next interim president will be.

Lebron James “In our locker room, they talk about sports highlights from the previous night, family and game strategy. what that guy was saying, that’s not — I don’t know what that is. That’s trash talk.”
It’s getting harder and harder to dislike King James.

The NFL is now penalizing players using Saints WR Brandin Cooks bow-and-arrow touchdown celebration, which he has always said was a sign of his faith in God. They say the gesture “mimics a violent act.”
A football league. “A violent act.”  And they said it with a straight face.

You can’t make this stuff up. Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway told GOP leaders who may be wavering in their support: “Enough of the pussyfooting around”
So was that supposed to be an attention grabbing comment?

The SF Chronicle reported that earlier this month Alaska AIrlines removed a passenger who was harassing a female flight attendant, saying things like “oooh, sexy,” during the safety demonstration. So did the guy think he was in a locker room or something?.

 

So I assume Russian hackers are only leaking emails from Democrats because Republicans never have said anything untoward in an email?

 

At a Florida rally, Donald Trump’s response after a woman fainted: “That woman was out cold, and now she’s coming back! We don’t go by these new – and very much softer – NFL rules. Concussions ‘Oh, you’ve got a little ding on the head. No, no, you can’t play for the rest of the season.’ Our people are tough.”
So let’s add NFL players and others who have suffered serious brain injuries to the list of people the Donald has taunted. Who had October 12 in the pool?

(My friend Linda points out, but if Hillary faints, she’s unfit for the Presidency.”)

 

Less than noble stuff in latest #wikileaks #PodestaEmails.  But I’m sure most of us never say or email anything we wouldn’t want on front page

 

Even #BIllCosby has to be looking at #Trump & saying “Are you kidding me?”

 

This Donald Trump sexual assault issue is rapidly becoming another “He said, she said, she said, she said, she said, story.:”

And no doubt the Trump campaign’s response will be to dredge up more allegations against Bill Clinton. When this election is over most of America will be ready for a good hot long shower….

 

 

From Marc Ragovin:  “Melania Trump announced today that Donald will no longer be in charge of assembling the grab bags for their son Baron’s upcoming birthday party”

Rounding third

September 22, 2016

Phillies came from behind and took two-run leads into the bottom of the 9th and the bottom of the 11th against the Mets.  They blew both leads and lost 9-8.    So were the Phils trying  to get the Philadelphia fans in an early booing holiday spirit by the relievers playing Santa Claus?

 

Talking about the #SFGiants needing to find their mojo. Anyway just for a few weeks to lure former third base coach @TimFlannery2 out of retirement?

The Panthers and VIkings plan still to play this weekend in Charlotte, despite the protests. Panthers LB Thomas Davis: “I look at football as a way to bring people together…I hope people know that violence is not the answer.” Well, off-field violence anyway.

 

Hear that the Baltimore Orioles are unhappy with average attendance of 19,422 fans in two games against the Boston Red Sox. And the Tampa Bay Rays are thinking “what, did those crowds overwhelm the concessions?”

San Francisco streets were shut for hours this morning over a “suspicious” object that turned out to be an abandoned empty rice cooker. #fearitselfiswinning

Open note to Americans thinking of dropping off their old crockpots, rice or pressure cookers at Goodwill, maybe now is not the best time.

And while we debate ways to keep America safer, a 24 year-old U of Iowa student, Megan Sloss, was fatally shot this weekend. By her older brother, who police say was showing her how to clean a gun when it accidentally discharged. #ifonlyshewasarmed

 

#MarissaMayer knew for some time about a about a 2 yr-old data breach affecting 500 million #Yahoo users.  And she’s probably be terminated soon and get a $44 million severance package . What’s next, running for office on her record of corporate experience?

 

Wonder how many #Yahoo users today are changing their passwords to “YahooSucks?”

In his first speech to the UN this week, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau talked about politicians exploiting anxiety. but in Canadia, “by appealing to people’s better angels, by drawing people together rather than stoking fears and anxieties, we were actually able to create a government that is focused on strengthening the middle class, to allay those fears and anxieties and demonstrate a positive engagement with the world.”
Waiting for Trump to demand a wall on our Northern border, and saying Canada will pay for it.

 

More Justin Trudeau “The point that is so important to emphasize is that what we found in Canada was that people are better than divisive politicians think they are.”
Your move, America.

Remember when Monday Night Football was a big deal? Now we have Thursday night, along with the weekend. Who’s going to be first with Tuesday or Wednesday Night Football?

Donald Rumsfeld, 84, says of George H.W. Bush, 92, backing Clinton “He’s up in years.” So what is any serious former defense secretary’s excuse for backing Trump?

Kathy Miller, one of Donald Trump’s Ohio campaign chairs, in an interview with the Guardian, “If you’re black and you haven’t been successful in the last 50 years, it’s your own fault. You’ve had every opportunity, it was given to you…I don’t think there was any racism until Obama got elected.”
#wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket

 

Regarding Hillary Clinton on “Between Two Ferns,” I thought she did a good job. Hillary was never going to be the cool mom down drinking with your friends in the basement. But she was going to be the mom who cleaned up the mess and made sure no one ended up in the hospital or arrested.

Blooming something?

September 18, 2016

 

Inspired by an anonymous friend. Several people were trapped last night in an Outback Steakhouse after the Chelsea explosion. Must have been horrifying. Almost as horrifying as being in New York City and choosing to eat at Outback Steakhouse.

 

 

Washington CB Josh Norman was upset after being drug tested after today’s loss to Dallas. He has a point, who would ever think based on the Redskins’ play that they use PEDs?

Well, at least the #SFGiants didn’t have another blown save today. #smallmercies

 

Roger Goodell today “As I’ve said before, I truly respect our players wanting to speak out and change the community. We don’t live in a perfect society. We want them to use that voice.”
So does the NFL actually have a conscience? Or is Goodell counting $$$ from extra Kaepernick jersey sales?

ESPN reporting that that the NFL is admitting to 16 missed calls against the Jaguars in their loss against the Packers last week. 16? You’d think if the league have time and money to do that much analysis, they’d have time and money for full time officials.

New Orleans Saints have lost two games by a total of 4 points. Three words. “Moral victories suck.”

 

If the #SFGiants just miss the playoffs will the video of the 2016 season be titled “Groundhog Day?” #Casilla #Bochy

 

Another piece of my childhood gone. So, long, Farewell.   Charmian Carr, Liesl, in “The Sound of Music” has passed away. She was 73 going on 74.

Fortunately no fatalities other than the alleged attacker in the Minnesota mall stabbings. But do all these folks who think 2nd amendment rights trump all ever consider fewer restrictions also would make it even easier for nut jobs to get guns?

Mike Pence today said Dick Cheney is his VP role model. Does this mean Donald Trump has told his running mate that if elected, Trump will let Pence actually run the country for him?

Clinton after New York explosion “I think it’s always wiser to wait until you have information before making conclusions, because we are just in the beginning stages of trying to determine what happened.”. Trump “Nobody knows what’s going on. But boy are we living in a time – we better get very tough, folks.”. Right. Because why should facts matter with a good narrative?

One of the scariest things about Donald Trump is you just know he is rooting for a terrorist act on U.S. soil in October.