Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

The Buck stops here?

October 24, 2016

There is a petition being circulated to replace Joe Buck with Bob Uecker for the World Series. They had me at “replace Joe Buck.”

In the December 2014 Foster Farms Bowl matching Stanford and Maryland at Levi’s Stadium, so few fans were interested that organizers closed off the upper bowl of the stadium and moved everyone down to the lower levels.
So for future home games, how much worse do the 49ers have to get before the team decides to do the same thing?

#NFL wonders why TV ratings are down & then Seahawks and Cardinals play to a 6-6 tie in overtime on Sunday Night Football.


General Mills said today they will produce limited-edition Girl Scout cookie cereal, in both Thin Mint and Caramel Crunch flavors. Isn’t it easier to just eat cookies for breakfast?

Saddest thing about this election? Molly Ivins is not still on earth to cover it.

Monday – October 24- was the last day to register to vote in California. So presume everyone who has not voted has forfeited bitching rights until next election!

Elizabeth Warren to Trump “nasty women have really had it with guys like you. And on November 8. we nasty women are going to march our nasty feet to cast our nasty votes to get you out of our lives forever.”
Sometimes even the best SNL skit is no match for reality. #YouGoGirl


Despite Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim comments, a recent Zogby poll showed 12% of Arab-American Muslims said they’d vote for him. Guessing 99% of that 12% are men?

This sort of thing would be funnier if it weren’t true: Trump, denying his latest accuser “And she’s a porn star. You know, this one that came out recently, ‘he grabbed me and he grabbed me on the arm.’ Oh, I’m sure she’s never been grabbed before.”
Can just imagine the Donald’s response on the subject of marital rape…

Last week President Obama said that while people worry about being “left behind” with globalization “To try to pull-up a drawbridge on trade would only hurt us and hurt our workers.”
To which Chris Christie no doubt responded “Uh, you don’t need a drawbridge.”

Trump’s daughter-in-law Lara, asked about any “October Surprises” today, responded “There’s still a couple of days left in October. So, we’ll see, we’ve got some stuff up our sleeve.”
Yeah, sounds like she’s become a Trump alright.


Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway claimed that her boss would love more debates “the country benefits from those type of forum and we’d be willing to do another one if somehow they can squeeze it in.”
So is Conway really working for the Donald? Or for Alec Baldwin?


Donald Trump today, trying to feed the hand he’s been biting “Go out and vote and that includes helping me reelect Republicans all over the place. He then added: “I hope they help me too! It’d be nice if they help us too, right?”
Someone really should tell the Donald that there is this thing called the internet that keeps track of every insult you say.





Marc Ragovin   “After watching the Giants/Rams game, I am surprised the Brits haven’t severed relations with the US.”


Going long

October 16, 2016

Today Drew Brees threw for 465 YDS & 4 TD, and the @Saints barely won. Rumor has it there is part of an NFL game you can play called “defense.”

Latest college football rankings, #Pac12 has exactly 2 teams in the top 25. Traditional powers Washington and.. Utah?

#LARams have got to be lying awake at night wondering how they ever lost to this #49ers team. #SFvsBUF

#RudyGuiliani today said he “would have to be a moron to say” that the election “is going to be fair.” And his point is?


Lots of verbal attacks on #ColinKaerpernick in Buffalo today. Silly Bills fans. Did they realize that Kap & the 49ers might have provided the best home game entertainment they’ll see all year?. Next visitors – the Patriots.


Hard to be an #SFGiants fan watching Puig against Chapman.  No way to root for them both to fail.

Altamonte Springs, my high-school home town: A woman was arrested this week after posting video online of her son driving her car – the boy is 7 years old. Back on your game, Florida.

Never thought I’d say anything positive about Sarah Palin. But at least she had a sense of humor. Trump tweet of the day “Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me.Time to retire the boring and unfunny show. Alec Baldwin portrayal stinks. Media rigging election!”

Whatever happens in election suppose both @HillaryClinton & @realDonaldTrump can both take credit for helping to resurrect #SNL


Trump is insisting that he has lost “large numbers of women voters based on made up events THAT NEVER HAPPENED.” But those “wonderful” and “courageous” women speaking out about Bill Clinton – their stories are 100% true….

Apparently someone threw a bottle of flammable liquid through the window of a GOP office in North Carolina. And Trump tweeted “Animals representing Hillary Clinton and Dems in North Carolina just firebombed our office in Orange County because we are winning.”
Now, Hillary decried the act, but I guess I’m missing something – if Trump’s followers are violent it’s a righteous rage, but if it’s his opponents they are animals?

This is actually really scary, according to a poll from the Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. “Only about one-third of Republicans said they have a great deal or quite a bit of confidence that votes on Election Day will be counted fairly.”
But has it occurred to Trump that if Hillary really could rig an election, she’d have done it starting with the 2008 Democratic primaries?


As Trump talks about the election ” absolutely being rigged,” including at many polling placs, have to ask…. has the Donald actually BEEN to a polling place? Last time before I gave up and decided to vote by mail, the average poll workers were “mature” to say the least, and having a hard time just matching voters to their lists. Not exactly the folks you’d enlist in a complicated conspiracy.


This morning on “Meet the Press” Mike Pence ” We will absolutely accept the result of the election.” So with all the people Trump has attacked on Twitter, how long until he adds his running mate to the list?

From my friend TC, sent to him by Berney:   img_0806

Stages of grief?

October 12, 2016

So denial, then anger. Is the bargaining phase when we start rooting for #DustyBaker at least to get a ring? @SFGiants


What time is the game on tomorrow? Oh wait…. Yeah, baseball is designed to break your heart. #MLB #SFGiants

So in looking on bright side as #SFGiants fan, if #BlueJays make it to #WorldSeries we might get to watch #JustinTrudeau attend games.

#SFGiants going into late innings with 5 runs and a big lead does not appear to be a winning strategy. #NLDSGame4 #WorldSeries2002

Meanwhile, the San Diego Padres have fired their President after the team missed the postseason for the 10th straight year. So wonder who the next interim president will be.

Lebron James “In our locker room, they talk about sports highlights from the previous night, family and game strategy. what that guy was saying, that’s not — I don’t know what that is. That’s trash talk.”
It’s getting harder and harder to dislike King James.

The NFL is now penalizing players using Saints WR Brandin Cooks bow-and-arrow touchdown celebration, which he has always said was a sign of his faith in God. They say the gesture “mimics a violent act.”
A football league. “A violent act.”  And they said it with a straight face.

You can’t make this stuff up. Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway told GOP leaders who may be wavering in their support: “Enough of the pussyfooting around”
So was that supposed to be an attention grabbing comment?

The SF Chronicle reported that earlier this month Alaska AIrlines removed a passenger who was harassing a female flight attendant, saying things like “oooh, sexy,” during the safety demonstration. So did the guy think he was in a locker room or something?.


So I assume Russian hackers are only leaking emails from Democrats because Republicans never have said anything untoward in an email?


At a Florida rally, Donald Trump’s response after a woman fainted: “That woman was out cold, and now she’s coming back! We don’t go by these new – and very much softer – NFL rules. Concussions ‘Oh, you’ve got a little ding on the head. No, no, you can’t play for the rest of the season.’ Our people are tough.”
So let’s add NFL players and others who have suffered serious brain injuries to the list of people the Donald has taunted. Who had October 12 in the pool?

(My friend Linda points out, but if Hillary faints, she’s unfit for the Presidency.”)


Less than noble stuff in latest #wikileaks #PodestaEmails.  But I’m sure most of us never say or email anything we wouldn’t want on front page


Even #BIllCosby has to be looking at #Trump & saying “Are you kidding me?”


This Donald Trump sexual assault issue is rapidly becoming another “He said, she said, she said, she said, she said, story.:”

And no doubt the Trump campaign’s response will be to dredge up more allegations against Bill Clinton. When this election is over most of America will be ready for a good hot long shower….



From Marc Ragovin:  “Melania Trump announced today that Donald will no longer be in charge of assembling the grab bags for their son Baron’s upcoming birthday party”

Rounding third

September 22, 2016

Phillies came from behind and took two-run leads into the bottom of the 9th and the bottom of the 11th against the Mets.  They blew both leads and lost 9-8.    So were the Phils trying  to get the Philadelphia fans in an early booing holiday spirit by the relievers playing Santa Claus?


Talking about the #SFGiants needing to find their mojo. Anyway just for a few weeks to lure former third base coach @TimFlannery2 out of retirement?

The Panthers and VIkings plan still to play this weekend in Charlotte, despite the protests. Panthers LB Thomas Davis: “I look at football as a way to bring people together…I hope people know that violence is not the answer.” Well, off-field violence anyway.


Hear that the Baltimore Orioles are unhappy with average attendance of 19,422 fans in two games against the Boston Red Sox. And the Tampa Bay Rays are thinking “what, did those crowds overwhelm the concessions?”

San Francisco streets were shut for hours this morning over a “suspicious” object that turned out to be an abandoned empty rice cooker. #fearitselfiswinning

Open note to Americans thinking of dropping off their old crockpots, rice or pressure cookers at Goodwill, maybe now is not the best time.

And while we debate ways to keep America safer, a 24 year-old U of Iowa student, Megan Sloss, was fatally shot this weekend. By her older brother, who police say was showing her how to clean a gun when it accidentally discharged. #ifonlyshewasarmed


#MarissaMayer knew for some time about a about a 2 yr-old data breach affecting 500 million #Yahoo users.  And she’s probably be terminated soon and get a $44 million severance package . What’s next, running for office on her record of corporate experience?


Wonder how many #Yahoo users today are changing their passwords to “YahooSucks?”

In his first speech to the UN this week, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau talked about politicians exploiting anxiety. but in Canadia, “by appealing to people’s better angels, by drawing people together rather than stoking fears and anxieties, we were actually able to create a government that is focused on strengthening the middle class, to allay those fears and anxieties and demonstrate a positive engagement with the world.”
Waiting for Trump to demand a wall on our Northern border, and saying Canada will pay for it.


More Justin Trudeau “The point that is so important to emphasize is that what we found in Canada was that people are better than divisive politicians think they are.”
Your move, America.

Remember when Monday Night Football was a big deal? Now we have Thursday night, along with the weekend. Who’s going to be first with Tuesday or Wednesday Night Football?

Donald Rumsfeld, 84, says of George H.W. Bush, 92, backing Clinton “He’s up in years.” So what is any serious former defense secretary’s excuse for backing Trump?

Kathy Miller, one of Donald Trump’s Ohio campaign chairs, in an interview with the Guardian, “If you’re black and you haven’t been successful in the last 50 years, it’s your own fault. You’ve had every opportunity, it was given to you…I don’t think there was any racism until Obama got elected.”


Regarding Hillary Clinton on “Between Two Ferns,” I thought she did a good job. Hillary was never going to be the cool mom down drinking with your friends in the basement. But she was going to be the mom who cleaned up the mess and made sure no one ended up in the hospital or arrested.

Blooming something?

September 18, 2016


Inspired by an anonymous friend. Several people were trapped last night in an Outback Steakhouse after the Chelsea explosion. Must have been horrifying. Almost as horrifying as being in New York City and choosing to eat at Outback Steakhouse.



Washington CB Josh Norman was upset after being drug tested after today’s loss to Dallas. He has a point, who would ever think based on the Redskins’ play that they use PEDs?

Well, at least the #SFGiants didn’t have another blown save today. #smallmercies


Roger Goodell today “As I’ve said before, I truly respect our players wanting to speak out and change the community. We don’t live in a perfect society. We want them to use that voice.”
So does the NFL actually have a conscience? Or is Goodell counting $$$ from extra Kaepernick jersey sales?

ESPN reporting that that the NFL is admitting to 16 missed calls against the Jaguars in their loss against the Packers last week. 16? You’d think if the league have time and money to do that much analysis, they’d have time and money for full time officials.

New Orleans Saints have lost two games by a total of 4 points. Three words. “Moral victories suck.”


If the #SFGiants just miss the playoffs will the video of the 2016 season be titled “Groundhog Day?” #Casilla #Bochy


Another piece of my childhood gone. So, long, Farewell.   Charmian Carr, Liesl, in “The Sound of Music” has passed away. She was 73 going on 74.

Fortunately no fatalities other than the alleged attacker in the Minnesota mall stabbings. But do all these folks who think 2nd amendment rights trump all ever consider fewer restrictions also would make it even easier for nut jobs to get guns?

Mike Pence today said Dick Cheney is his VP role model. Does this mean Donald Trump has told his running mate that if elected, Trump will let Pence actually run the country for him?

Clinton after New York explosion “I think it’s always wiser to wait until you have information before making conclusions, because we are just in the beginning stages of trying to determine what happened.”. Trump “Nobody knows what’s going on. But boy are we living in a time – we better get very tough, folks.”. Right. Because why should facts matter with a good narrative?

One of the scariest things about Donald Trump is you just know he is rooting for a terrorist act on U.S. soil in October.

God squad?

September 8, 2016

The New York Mets actually have signed Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. Is it for his baseball ability? Or are they hoping to get God on their side for a potential playoff run?



What’s all the #CARvsDEN stress, unlike in college football the first game doesn’t really matter as to making the playoffs.


CEO Jed York, said today that the SF 49ers will give $1 million to two local groups to “help bridge the gap and create better collaboration between law enforcement and local communities.”
So who knew, maybe Colin Kaepernick could actually lead the team after all?


Ray Lewis, going after Colin Kaepenick on his protest. “I think Colin just needs to step back.” Although some might say if Ray had just stepped back in 2000, maybe Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar might be alive today.

So maybe Matt Lauer’s real goal is to become the first anchor on the Trump News Network?


If #MattLauer asks #TimTebow about #Aleppo it could break the internet.

Somewhere #SarahPalin is really upset she got interviewed by #KatieCouric instead of #MattLauer #LaueringTheBar

Embarrassing interview for Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson.  But what are the odds that Donald Trump knows what Aleppo is either?

So does #GaryJohnson‘s interview last night make him wish he had chosen #AdmiralStockdale as a running mate? #Aleppo

A CNN report says an NBC executive “speaking anonymously” said the “Commander-in-chief” forum was a “disaster.” Wow. Usually disasters at NBC are with their prime-time fall lineup.

Trump supporters are calling for a boycott of Starbucks after CEO Howard Schultz endorsed Hillary and slammed the Donald’s “vitriolic display of bigotry and hate and divisiveness.”
Well, it’s a free country, but weren’t many Trump supporters already boycotting Starbucks over things like LGBT rights? – or as my friend Erin says, the Christmas cups?

Wells Fargo fired approx 5,300 employees for allegedly opening up additional accounts without their customers’ permission. Uh, over 5,000 people isn’t rogue employees, that’s company practice.

Trump said last night that he was “pretty good with the body language,” in his supposedly top-secret intelligence briefing and “what I did learn is that our leadership, Barack Obama, did not follow what our experts, and our — truly, when they call it intelligence, it’s there for a reason — what our experts said to do,”
Uh, and we’re worried about Hillary’s email server compromising secrets and national security? #WTF?


Trump last night praised Vladimir Putin and talked of the Russan President’s “82 percent approval rating.” Well, by that token the Donald should be a really big fan of Kim Jong Un -whose approval rating is about 100%. Of living North Koreans polled.



A tale of two seasons:

August 27, 2016

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything….” Who knew Dickens was an #SFGiants fan?


#SFGiants congratulate #Cubs on extra innings win against #Dodgers. Hope for more wins & longer games before Giants go to #Wrigley next week

Meanwhile, Atlanta Braves put on a good clinic to explain why they have worst record in MLB. SFGiants say thank you.

Texas Rangers reliever Jeremy Jeffress was arrested in Dallas last night for alleged DUI. Okay, the guy is only making $519,000 this year, but shouldn’t that at least cover UberX?

A professor at Iowa is complaining that the school’s “Herky the Hawk” mascot is too angry looking and is an invitation to “aggressivity and even violence.” WTF? This gal better never get a job with Notre Dame and their Fighting Irish.


Colin Kaepernick’s accomplishment tonight – giving local sports fans reason to turn the channel to a fun #SFGiants game. #GBvsSF

Hawaii vs.Cal down under tonight. Aussies really enjoyed the game: “We get it, in American college football you don’t play defense.”

Dallas owner Jerry Jones said “it’s not good” about a TMZ video showing rookie Ezekiel Elliott at a marijuana dispensary the day of the Cowboys-Seahawks preseason game.
And really, what was Elliott thinking? You are supposed to send your posse to buy your pot.

Some talk that if Hunter Pence was still in right field last night in the 9th inning of the SF Giants Dodgers game, he might have dove for Corey Seager’s bloop single and saved Matt Moore’s no hitter. Or, the way this season has gone for the Giants lately, Pence might have landed on his collarbone, broken it, and been out for the year.

In Toronto, a man has been arrested for murder after allegedly killing 3 people- and injuring a 4th, in a seeming random rampage with a crossbow. Awful, but it WAS Canada. hence the crossbow.. Imagine if he lived in the US. #ifonlyhewasarmed

North Korea says it has successfully tested a submarine-launched missile, and Kim Jong Un says the U.S. mainland is now within striking range of his nuclear weapons. Meanwhile Dennis Rodman says he could still play in the NBA.

NJ Governor Chris Christie fired staffer Bill Stepien over Bridgegate, calling him “deceitful,” Now NBC reports Donald Trump has hired Stepien as his national field director “with a focus on voter turnout in the final months of the campaign.”
What does this really translate to, closing a few bridges in Democratic precincts?

Give the devil his due. I can’t stand Julian Assange of Wikileaks. But he has a point “‘from the point of view of an investigative journalist organization like WikiLeaks, the problem with the Trump campaign is that it’s actually hard for us to publish much more controversial material than what comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth every second day,”

Harold Bornstein, Trump’s doctor, wrote a note last fall declaring the Donald to be the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Today Bornstein said he wrote the note in 5 minutes.
Well, of course, because Trump has the bestest doctor ever, the fastest and bestest.