Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Weighty matters?

January 16, 2018

Odds of Trump weighing 239 pounds are about the same as Pablo Sandoval’s never topping 239 pounds when he was with the SF Giants?

Stanford Cardinal hopes for a great  football season just improved immensely.

2018 slogan?  “Love, Actually. ”  #BryceLove

Bengals fans who hate the Steelers have been thanking Jaguars QB Blake Bortles by donating to his charity. Imagine how much Bortles can raise from Americans if Jacksonville can knock off Brady and Belichick.

Reports that police were called in Houston after the Clippers’ win when several players including James Harden and Chris Paul reportedly stormed LA locker room to confront Blake Griffin and Austin Rivers,
Apparently officers prevented anything from actually happening. But wonder if Rockets-Clippers next game has been moved to national television?#basketballbrawl

 

United 1219 from Denver to Kauai had to divert to San Francisco when the toilets became full, resulting in 8 hour delay. Talk about a shitty flight.

Reports that ICE is planning for a “major sweep” in Northern California cities to arrest and deport more than 1,500 undocumented people so that they can “send a message.” Just wondering, how many people is ICE going after from Asia or Europe including Russia?

#ReligiousFreedomDay for Trump just means that everyone should be free to worship him in their own way.

Turkey has issued travel warning for the US because of a “recent increase in terrorist and violent attacks,” as well as “arbitrary arrests” of Turkish citizens. Are we feeling great yet?

 

Patty Schachtner just won a  State Senate seat in Wisconsin in a district that Trump won 55 to 38 in 2016.   And it  was scheduled as a special election to depress turnout.

So a reminder,  we don’t need to convince EVERYONE that voted for Trump they were wrong. Just enough for a majority.

 

I know geography not Trump administration priority. But still, how does someone with the name Kirstjen not know anything about a Scandinavian country?

 

“When ignorance and bigotry is allied with power, it’s a dangerous force in our country. Your silence and your amnesia is complicity,”  Cory Booker to Kirstjen Nielsen #Booker2020

 

 

 

 

 

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Snowed under.

January 5, 2018

Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to take credit for fact that players on 24 NFL teams will be guaranteed NOT to kneel for anthem this upcoming weekend.  #Playoffs

 

Michigan may not be as thrilled with Jim Harbaugh  as they once were. But at least they didn’t still have Rich Rodriguez.

 

Despite the Blizzard of 2018, Patriots coach Bill Belichick indicated players better not be late to practice or they might be sent home. Wonder if that includes Brady.

Has anyone told #JeffSessions that “States Rights” are not “Confederate States Rights?”

If Congress decides to pass a law overriding Jeff Sessions’ reefer madness, would be perfect if Doug Jones casts deciding vote in Senate.

Normally when California gets any #earthquake people in rest of US say it’s a reason they wouldn’t live here. With #blizzard2018 they’re thinking, so what’s a little shaking?

Would really like to see Jeff Sessions tell @SenJohnMcCain to his face he shouldn’t be able to use medical marijuana.

Can understand Trump being vindictive enough to open up oil drilling off coast of California. But did he forget Florida voted for him?

Gov. Rick Scott on Trump’s offshore oil drilling plan – “crucial need to remove Florida from consideration.” In other words, f*ck up someone else’s state?#noshame #DeepwaterHorizon

Sean Spicer says he didn’t lie but “I did my best every day to do what I could to communicate what the President’s intentions were.” Might be the longest-winded oxymoron ever?

 

Remember those innocent days when we thought worst thing we could have to explain about a President to our children was a blow job?

You know, there have been supposed nasty tell-all books on Obama and Clintons; neither Barack, Bill nor Hillary ever threw hissy-fits and demanded the books not be sold.

Trump’s “cease and desist” demand on #FireAndFury is so guaranteed to increase book sales you have to wonder if Michael Wolff offered him a cut of profits?

Trump “I authorized Zero access to White House (actually turned him down many times) for author of phony book!”
Wolfe was at WH daily for months. So Trump expects us to believe he can keep dangerous people out of USA, but he can’t even keep an unwanted reporter out of the West Wing?

If it’s any consolation to Trump #FireAndFury will probably now sell a lot more copies than #WhatHappened.

 

With weather that may not hit the teens this weekend in Boston and Buffalo, how thankful are NFL fans that the Patriots have a bye, and the Bills have an away game?

 

From TC  “Buffalo Bills fans have donated over $100,000 to Bengals QB Andy Dalton’s charity for knocking The Ravens out of the playoffs and getting Buffalo in. So does anyone know the name of the receiver that caught the pass? ”  Just sayin….  (everyone knows who Malcolm Butler and Dwight Clark are

(Hey, does anyone know the name of any Bengals?  Or Bills?

 

Missed it by THAT much

December 21, 2017

NFL tells officials not to use index cards to measure 1st downs. The way officiating has been going this year might be more appropriate to use toilet paper.

 

Lakers guard Kentavious Caldwell-Pope is actually serving a 25-day jail sentence but playing home games under a work release program.
So will a similar plan soon be in place for staff in Trump White House?

 

 

Another 2017 Bummer. RIP Dick Enberg. Though in a long life he really did “touch em all.”

 

FBI documents allege Adidas paid Brian Bowen’s father $100,000 for recruit to sign w/ Louisville. Bowen says he knows “nothing about it”, has never talked about it with his dad, even though he and his father are “closer than ever.” Almost enough to make you miss “tainted supplements.

 

“Spare the Air” alerts mean San Francisco Bay Area homes can’t have actual wood fires in their fireplaces Christmas Eve. Well, good news at least for Santa.

In Spanish regional elections, Catalonia secessionist parties tonight declared victory. Blue states in US thinking “You can do that?”

 

Yet another reason companies should hire more women – heck of a lot less likely they’ll have to be fired for sexual harassment.

Inserted into tax bill-, pro athletes may no longer deduct agents’ commissions from their salaries. Trump must really not want any more championship teams visiting him in White House.

Ivanka, while taking some credit for tax bill, “I spent a lot of time with Sen. Corker as well and he had real integrity around this process.” #CorkerKickback#whythereisnosatire

Americans who pay attention to Fox News must be feeling pretty good about the prospects for impeaching President Hillary Clinton.

Ted Cruz – With GOP bill, everyone’s taxes will go down except “rich people in Manhattan and SF.” Uh, Ted. “average effective property tax rate in Texas 1.94%, 4th highest rate of any state.”

As ghastly as thought of Steve Bannon running for President is, the thought of a Bannon-Trump debate sounds like must-see TV.

Millionaires and billionaires needed a tax cut like Mar-A-Lago needed to raise their prices for New Year’s Eve.

Right-wing website blamed Doug Jones’ win in Alabama on a coalition of “Muslims, Hispanics and mainly black Christians.” Don’t forget women. And sorry guys, we can and will vote. Even more outside of Alabama.

The one that got away…

December 18, 2017

Robbie Gould, cut by Chicago last year is 30-32 on FG & has made 20 in a row. His replacement Connor Barth is 11 for 16. That’s so Bears #DaBears

On the other hand, good news for Bears fans.  A win against the Browns is on next Sunday’s schedule.

Announcers for #GBvsCAR talking about how well Packers fans travel to away games. They’re great team w/ great fans…but if you had ANY reason to get out of Green Bay in December..?

With Christmas Eve next Sunday, and lots of shopping and preparation for the holiday,  have to wonder how many NFL fans took this Sunday off .   Of course no one expected the Seahawks to join them.

Top HS QB prospect Justin Fields has committed to Georgia over Florida State. Seminoles feeling crabby? Or crab-leggy?

Power outage at Atlanta airport, a Delta hub, strands thousands of passengers. American and United immediately introduce electricity surcharge.

Headlines that more than 300 people out of 5,000 on a Royal Caribbean Cruise ship got sick norovirus this week. Wow, that’s almost as many as the number of passengers on any given morning who were hungover.

Trump lawyer accuses Mueller of obtaining emails illegally – so former FBI director should have just had Russia get them for him?

 –
Putin reportedly called Trump to thank CIA for tip that helped stop a St. Petersburg bombing. That moment when Pres. of Russia is more positive about U.S. Intelligence than Pres of US…

I understand why people who’re just getting by would do anything for big tax cut. But when you have more $$$ than you can spend in a lifetime? #CorkerKickback

Senator Corker said he had no idea about the provision introduced at the last minute into the GOP tax bill that will save him over $1 million in tax a year. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Anyone else think Mnuchin’s Treasury department has spent less time actually analyzing #GOP tax bill than his wife Louise Linton spent making her designer clothing & jewelry Christmas wish list.

Because Trump thinks he’s done enough already? Tax bill would impose a 20% tax on goods made in Puerto Rico & shipped to mainland. #WTF?

Are you ready for some almost football?

December 15, 2017

Thursday Night Football tonight was 4-9 Broncos vs 3-10 Colts.  Did US retailers pay NFL for this matchup to get Americans to say “Heck, I’ll just go Christmas shopping.”

Not that I could predict the winners, or even name the teams. But we’re less than a week away from best named college bowls of 2017 – the Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl” and the “Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.”

Jets OC John Morton, acknowledging NY had no chance in 4th against Broncos “I just wanted to run it and get out of there.” Sort of how the Giants have been playing all season?

Today was the five anniversary of #SandyHook. Five years of GOP “thoughts and prayers..

What happened to #KateSteinle was a tragedy, but those demanding changes & politicizing her death somehow don’t feel the same about #SandyHook

Disney buying most of Fox. Makes sense. Fox already was a Mickey Mouse operation.

Just got an pre-sale announcement for “Earth, Wind and Fire” concert. Assume tickets automatically come with a senior discount?

Watching #RoyMoore still refuse to accept Alabama voting results makes you wonder what he’d have done when Senate voted to expel him?

#BumperStickersForBadParents “I told Roy Moore he could date my daughter.”

Maybe we can get Trump to overturn FCC #NetNeutrality decision if we convince him fewer people will see his tweets?

A number of GOP senators are reportedly now undecided on tax bill. Presumably those running for re-election in 2018? #TaxScamBill

OK, this IS  a #FakeNews headline from @CNN – “Paul Ryan ‘soul searching'” As if they really expected us to believe #PaulRyan has a soul.

 

Some right-wing sore losers alleging voter fraud in Alabama. Uh, if Democrats were that good at fake votes they’d have gotten enough to win 2016 election.

 

Leaving aside Trump nominee Matthew Spencer Petersen’s lack of qualifications to be a judge, after his hearing, have to wonder, how did Petersen ever pass the bar?

Reports that @SenJohnMcCain is looking “increasingly frail.” For his sake & that of USA probably best if he stay home & rest instead of voting on GOP tax bill,

 

I didn’t really want #DustinHoffman to be the man behind today’s Sexual Predator Advent Calendar window.

Though Hoffman has never been one of my very favorites.  One of saddest things about 2017 is being a woman & having your “desert island men” list become a list of men you REALLY don’t want to see trending.

Mistakes were made.

December 11, 2017

Giancarlo Stanton sounds positively giddy about leaving #Marlins for #Yankees. And of course NY fans & media will be so supportive if he has anything less than an MVP year.

 

NFL warned teams today it will begin “significant discipline” to anyone engaging in offensive conduct or contact against game officials.”
What about discipline for offensive officiating?

On a non-political note, three of the nicest words for Tuesday are “Kawhi Leonard ‘probable.”” #GoSpursGo @Spurs

According to Hank Schulman Stanton has been spending “Octobers in Europe unable to really watch the playoffs because it just kills him.”
Save this post if Yankees miss 2018 Postseason

Derek Jeter, on Stanton trade “No, there isn’t anything I would do differently.” Has someone checked former Yankees’ captain for concussions?

 

Maybe they don’t have Louis Vuitton stores in Lithuania?

Now it’s #CarsonWentz who is out for the season. With three weeks to go how many stars will be left for the @NFL playoffs?

Oops. Neither Bangladesh nor Brooklyn were on Trump’s travel ban list.#PortAuthority

#PortAuthority suspect said he made his bomb at work. And some people feel guilty about wasting employer time by with games or online shopping.

Dept of Education under Betsy Devos has stopped cancelling student loan debt for those defrauded by failed for-profit schools. Because how could they acknowledge it might have been a major mistake to attend Trump University?

Just imagine if when @BarackObama went to Hawaii for vacation he stayed at resort owned by his family & made a profit off trip. GOP heads would have exploded.

If you’re really “pro-life” it seems like a no-brainer to vote for man who successfully prosecuted murderers of four little girls. @GDouglasJones

 

December bringing different man or men every day accused of sexual harassment. This is becoming like a very twisted advent calendar.

It”s only Monday & this week #RyanLizza#MarioBatali…. Beginning to think it’s a bad idea to put men in positions of power.

Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to respond that he doesn’t get what all #KaylaMoore fuss is about “I have a Jew son-in-law.”

 

Just wondering, how many people have attorneys (plural) and KNOW what religion they all are? #KaylaMoore #NoMoore

Considering #KaylaMoore‘s “Jew” lawyer comment & his friend talking about child brothels, I understand why #RoyMoore tried to lie low weekend before election.

Crickets on #PortAuthority from @realDonaldTrump If alleged wannabe terrorist had been from country on his travel ban he’d have tweeted within 30 seconds.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says on Trump sexual assault allegations “American people knew this & voted for him,”   So WTF was Donald Trump doing going after Bill Clinton 20+ years later after his election?

Trump attacks @NYTimes for saying he watches 4-8 hours of TV a day. Maybe he means he really watches 8-12 hours….

Real turkeys.

November 22, 2017

NFL really missing great marketing opportunity – “This Thanksgiving, watch our games instead of talking politics with your relatives.”

Although  football fans in search of a real turkey may have to wait two days past Thanksgiving.  When Tennessee and Vanderbilt, both 0-7 in SEC conference play, play each other.

Ex-Braves GM John Coppolella banned for life from MLB for violating rules on intl signing. You’d think with cheating on that level Atlanta would have better team.

 

Jerry Jones decides not to sue NFL over Roger Goodell’s contract extension. What a relief for all those opposed to billionaire on billionaire violence.

Even though Markelle Fultz is injured, 76ers got to think they dodged a bullet picking him now instead of Lonzo Ball (& dad.)

NASCAR ratings on Fox Sports are down 17% this year. I’m sure it’s all those black drivers kneeling for the National Anthem.

Charlie Rose has been fired. At this point his only hope for a career save is to run for office as Republican promising to support tax cuts.

Following Trump’s pardon Tuesday morning, will Thanksgiving at Mar-A-Lago see Jared and Don Jr. fight over the turkey costume?

GOP & Trump position – only women telling the truth about sexual assault are accusing Democrats.

For those trying to think of something to keep them too nauseous to overeat on Thanksgiving – Roy Moore’s friend, defending Moore’s dating habits – “there’s something about a purity of a young woman.”

By calling all women who have accused him liars, Roy Moore is assaulting them a second time.

Cynthia Wesley, Carole Robertson & Addie Mae Collins were 14 yrs old, Denise McNair was 11. But according to Trump, Doug Jones, who finally convicted their killers, is “soft on crime.” #deplorable

Who Trump trusts: Roy Moore, Vladimir Putin.
Who Trump doesn’t trust: Everybody else

Maybe Democrats are taking too high a road on their defense of #NetNeutrality. Maybe we just need to shout at men “This will stop your free porn.”