Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’

Real turkeys.

November 22, 2017

NFL really missing great marketing opportunity – “This Thanksgiving, watch our games instead of talking politics with your relatives.”

Although  football fans in search of a real turkey may have to wait two days past Thanksgiving.  When Tennessee and Vanderbilt, both 0-7 in SEC conference play, play each other.

Ex-Braves GM John Coppolella banned for life from MLB for violating rules on intl signing. You’d think with cheating on that level Atlanta would have better team.

 

Jerry Jones decides not to sue NFL over Roger Goodell’s contract extension. What a relief for all those opposed to billionaire on billionaire violence.

Even though Markelle Fultz is injured, 76ers got to think they dodged a bullet picking him now instead of Lonzo Ball (& dad.)

NASCAR ratings on Fox Sports are down 17% this year. I’m sure it’s all those black drivers kneeling for the National Anthem.

Charlie Rose has been fired. At this point his only hope for a career save is to run for office as Republican promising to support tax cuts.

Following Trump’s pardon Tuesday morning, will Thanksgiving at Mar-A-Lago see Jared and Don Jr. fight over the turkey costume?

GOP & Trump position – only women telling the truth about sexual assault are accusing Democrats.

For those trying to think of something to keep them too nauseous to overeat on Thanksgiving – Roy Moore’s friend, defending Moore’s dating habits – “there’s something about a purity of a young woman.”

By calling all women who have accused him liars, Roy Moore is assaulting them a second time.

Cynthia Wesley, Carole Robertson & Addie Mae Collins were 14 yrs old, Denise McNair was 11. But according to Trump, Doug Jones, who finally convicted their killers, is “soft on crime.” #deplorable

Who Trump trusts: Roy Moore, Vladimir Putin.
Who Trump doesn’t trust: Everybody else

Maybe Democrats are taking too high a road on their defense of #NetNeutrality. Maybe we just need to shout at men “This will stop your free porn.”

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Two men’s teams out.

November 13, 2017

Well, at least Italy and USA can get together for a serious pizza & beer World Cup watching party.

Question of the night – How did the Dolphins manage to win 4 games?

Knicks  blew 15 point lead in 4th quarter tonight to lose by 3 to Cavs. Who do they think they are, the Atlanta Falcons?

So does the “Citizen of the Year” cover mean GOP will boycott GQ too?

Trump reportedly asked Chinese President Xi to help resolve UCLA basketball shoplifting case. Because what could come of having young men grow up thinking laws don’t apply to them?

Amazing, now the Twitter bots are on to Bill Clinton allegations. Last I heard he isn’t running for Senate.

Few could believe Catholic Church could so dishonor their own religion by turning a blind eye to pedophiles. Alabama pastors “Hold our beer.”

Keurig CEO Bob Gamgort said company didn’t intend to “take sides” w/ Roy Moore. Are there “many fine people on both sides” of adults dating teenagers?

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Can’t wait for some Trump/Moore supporter to say that yearbook note was somehow forged by same person who forged Obama’s birth certificate.

Now Fox News accusing GOP who condemn Moore of being hypocrites for not condemning George H.W. Bush. Groping is not OK, even for an old man. But H.W. is not now running for Senate.

Trump nominates Alex Azar as HHS Secretary. “He will be a star for better healthcare & lower drug prices.” Right, because who lowers drug prices better than an pharmaceutical executive?

Imagine GOP response if Chelsea Clinton had been found to be communicating with Wikileaks?

On Roy Moore, again. One is a mistake, two is really bad judgment….four is a pattern. Where there’s four there’s more.

If #RoyMoore does somehow withstand scandal & gets elected assume GOP in Senate embrace him at least as long as it takes to get tax cuts?

Just guessing even if #RoyMoore wins his offer will be turned down to play Santa Claus at White House Christmas Party.

(Though perhaps he might get the gig at Mar-A-Lago)

 

As a 1977 high school graduate I don’t remember every inscription in my yearbook. But pretty damn sure there’s none from a 30 year old man signed “Love.”

What’s the spread?

November 8, 2017

Jerry Jones has apparently declared war on Roger Goodell. Pass the popcorn, this could be more fun than most NFL games.

Jameis Winston apologized for inciting incident with Saints that led to Mike Evans suspension. Will Bucs QB say he was a little crabby?

Lonzo Ball says he hasn’t spoken to any of his family since his brother was arrested for shoplifting. So every cloud DOES have a silver lining?

Some media controversy since various New York Giants players have told reporters both that head coach Ben McAdoo does and doesn’t have the support of his team.

At 1-7 does it matter?

Christopher Plummer, 87 to replace Kevin Spacey in “All the Money in the World.” Twitter really needs to have #Trendingnotdead hashtag.

Not sure what Donna Brazile plans to do with the rest of her life, but clearly it doesn’t involve Democratic party.

A top focus for Danica Roem’s campaign was Northern Virginia traffic. Proving perhaps that most people don’t care what bathroom you use as long as it doesn’t take hours on road to get to one.

Some thought there’d be little election coverage on Fox News today. Wrong, plenty of coverage. On last year’s election. #WhenallelsefailsattackHillary

New Trump restrictions go into effect for Cuba today, making it much harder for ordinary Americans to travel there. But cigars & rum still OK. Priorities!

 

Give Trump credit. Might be first GOP President ever to be mocked at the #CMAawards #beforehetweets

 

Trump today in Beijing on trade “I don’t blame China.’ Too soon to start a pool on when he will next blame China?

Looking at minority and women’s vote totals from yesterday have to wonder how long before GOP tries to repeal 15th & 19th amendments?

Is “my memory has been refreshed” the new “pushed into a lifeboat?”. #Lewandowski

Trump apparently has been driving White House chef crazy trying to get him to replicate McDonald’s food. So he hasn’t heard of Doordash?

Sebastian Gorka now employed by Fox News. Congrats to all those who had Nov. 8 in the pool.

Interesting, praised @JustinTrudeau on Twitter & suddenly got an avalanche of responses, many from possible bots. So now Russia’s interested in Canada’s election?

If Democrats insist on focusing on last election, 2017 is now officially the last election. And the message is #unityindiversity

Analyze this?

November 6, 2017

Cashman – Yankees fired Girardi because Joe didn’t have good “connectivity” w/ clubhouse. “Connectivity?” Is that like exit velocity?

If all ex-players with CTE and/or dying young haven’t bothered you,  but guys kneeling to protest oppression makes you stop watching NFL, you might be a racist.

All these teams don’t want to sign Colin Kaepernick because they might hear boos from fans? Guess what… Packers, Browns, 49ers, Dolphins, Giants…

 

From Marc Ragovin  “MetLife Stadium is now known as Area 51.”

Kevin Spacey has entered a sex addiction rehab program in Arizona. Congrats to all those who had Nov 6 in the pool.

From T.C.  “A World Series fan picked the first 6 games correctly, parlaying a $200,000 bet into $14,000,000. He didn’t bet on game 7, saying he needed the funds to pay for his Yankee season tickets, hot dogs and beer.”

 

Rumors that Rand Paul’s neighbor assaulted him over some sort of issue over their lawns. If only they had both been armed. #duel?

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Many women appalled that a dispute over yards between neighbors would result in Rand Paul being assaulted. Not something serious like shopping.

Bernie Sanders petition wants DNC to implement policies to make “Democratic Party more inclusive.” Uh, Bernie, can you become a Democrat  first?

 

Interesting how same GOP that will do anything to help people keep their gun rights will do anything to take away other people’s voting rights.

GOP tax plan eliminates teachers’ ability to deduct cost of school supplies they buy from taxes. Makes sense, education causes Democrats.

Only problem w/everyone having guns is that when shooting starts, in chaos it’s hard to get good guys from the bad. Seriously.

 

Witness to #TexasChurchMassacre “The Bible tells us that we overcome evil with good.” How about good gun laws?

Kellyanne Conway “Rush” to politicize Texas shooting “disrespectful to dead.” Because in Murica we only politicize killings by brown people?’

An 18-month old was among those killed in #TexasChurchMassacre. Once again, how can you be so-called “pro-life” & anti-gun control?

 

 

Seriously, after latest Texas shooting, have to wonder, how many other domestic violence convictions have our armed forces not reported to civilian authorities?

Trump comment on recent mass shootings. “It isn’t a guns situation,” but “mental health problem at the highest level.”  The highest level as in the Oval Office?

Although Trump’s tweets so far from Asia are mild by his usual standards. Think maybe Kelly told him he didn’t have intl data plan & has control of his phone?

 

Juli Briskman, Virginia woman who flipped off Trump’s motorcade while riding bike, was fired for gesture. Guessing a few others might hire her.

If you’re in a state with 2017 elections, VOTE Tuesday  or give up all bitching rights. That is all.

Go ‘Stros

November 1, 2017

It was less than 4 1/2 years ago when Matt Cain with #SFGiants threw a perfect game against then the worst team in baseball.

But hey, Astros have been bad so long that the stadium they were named for was built & torn down before they won World Series. #Astrodome

I officially love A.J. Hinch. Letting his pitcher bat in 9th with a 4 run lead. #Dancewiththemthatbrungyou

Fox talking about Jr. Home Run Derby during Altuve AB’s seemed somehow wrong. Most of these kids are taller than him.

 

Los Angeles Dodgers opening day 2017 payroll, $242 million. Houston Astros opening day 2017 payroll, $124 million.  Just saying.

Carlos Correa, with his post game 7 marriage proposal made most women go “aww…”  and most men hoping to pull off the ultimate marriage proposal thinking – “Thanks for setting impossible bar,   a**hole.”

 

On brighter note for LA fans , children in Africa are going to be getting really good looking blue & white Dodgers World Series Champions gear.

Also on brighter note, the 104 win 2017 LA Dodgers did get further than the 116 win 2001 Seattle Mariners.

Not a Dodgers fan, but as a baseball fan have to feel for for Yu Darvish. A class act.

Browns WR Josh Gordon has been conditionally reinstated to the NFL. Let’s hope he doesn’t go to Colorado to celebrate.

Actually while NFL conditionally reinstates Josh Gordon maybe they drug-test members of Browns staff involved in botched AJ McCarron trade?

Papa John’s, official NFL pizza company, thinks player protests hurting their profits. What if Papa John’s & NFL just have lousy product?

David Shaw says in Stanford-OSU game -“It was a gut feeling to stick with Keller Chryst.” Uh, coach Shaw, there are antacids for that.

Another day, another powerful man (men)  accused of sexual assault. Another reason maybe we need to have more women in charge?

John Kelly-“Robert E. Lee gave up his country to fight for his state.” Uh, Benedict Arnold gave up new country to fight for his 1st country.

 

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Before victims are buried from New York Terrorist Attack we’ve got at least two dead in shooting at Colorado Walmart. Nothing to see here. #Murica

And meanwhile, as Trump goes on immigration tirade, 2 are dead on street in NYC East Village from apparent murder-suicide shooting.   More #Murica

Always too soon to start talking climate change or gun control…. Never too early for @realDonaldTrump to start spewing hate.

 

Seeing #TheLionKing trending & happy to see it’s a new Disney movie w/great cast. Not documentary on @realDonaldTrump – #TheLyingKing

Laura Bush on the Trump family “I wish them the very best.” Is that Texan for “Bless their hearts?”

Don Jr. wants Chloe to give away candy to teach her about socialism. To teach her about zoology does he show her pics of animals he’s shot?

No joke, Trump wants to name his tax reform plan “The Cut Cut Cut Act.” Because “Millionaire Relief Act” doesn’t have the same ring to it?

Thinking back to Nixon and Watergate. US did get rid of Agnew first. Maybe we should start working on Pence?

Changing seasons.

October 17, 2017

NBA regular season basketball is back tonight. Which means we’re only about 6 months away from meaningful games.

Meanwhile, Cubs looking like a team less interested in a possible second ring ceremony than vacation.

Will Trump claim Warriors lost opening night because he dis-invited them from White House?

Guess the Warriors are not going to go 82-0 this year.

Anthem protests? Or teams not worth watching? This from USA Today: “The New Orleans defense SCORED three touchdowns in Week 6. Eighteen of the 28 offenses in action during Week 6 couldn’t make similar claim.”

Titans Colts on MNF had lowest of season. Could be anthem issue. More likely competition from  Yankees-Astros.  And 2 lousy small market NFL teams.

If this postseason shows us anything it’s that 2016 #SFGiants bullpen may not have been good, but misery has a lot of company.

(Haven’t watched Astros regularly this season but also got to wonder, why pull McCullers after only 81 pitches and 1 run? #ALCS)

 

Imagining  Trump telling Jacqueline Kennedy “Your husband knew what he signed up for when he went to Dallas.

So wonder if Trump has told John Kelly his son “knew what he signed up for?”

Sociopaths do not feel empathy.

Defense Department investigating mission that led to deaths of 4 US soldiers in Niger. Will be interesting to see how they pin it on Hillary.

All these folks saying they wished they’d spoken up sooner about Weinstein. So there are NO other predators in Hollywood? Speak up on them.

Trump on his lie that we are the highest taxed nation in the world. “People know exactly what I’m talking about, and in many cases they think I’m right when I say the highest.”
Right, and the #FakeNews keeps reporting those pesky real facts.

Tom Marino withdrew as drug czar after WAPO/ 60Min story his bill helped put more opioids into struggling communities. #Notsofakenews?

A NJ teacher reportedly told her that t U.S. soldiers “are not fighting for your right to speak Spanish. They are fighting for your right to speak American.”
Uh, didn’t we actually fight a big war once against the people who gave us the language she called American?

“I still believe people are good at heart.”  (Anne Frank)  Have to think many Americans didn’t know what they were signing up for when they voted in Nov.

Trump is not happy with John McCain after the Senator’s speech repudiating “half-baked, spurious nationalism cooked up by people who would rather find scapegoats than solve problems.”
“People have to be careful because at some point I fight back I’m being very nice. I’m being very, very nice. But at some point I fight back, and it won’t be pretty.
Responding to Trump’s threat, McCain bluntly told reporters Tuesday: “I’ve faced far greater challenges than this.”
We’re going to need a stronger word than “deplorable.”

Lost in translation?

October 16, 2017

 

NFL officiating czar today-“clear & obvious” to overturn Jets 4th quarter TD catch. Time to start checking league officials for concussions?

On resale sites, ticket prices for ALCS game 3 between Astros and Yankees in New York tonight have fallen as low as eighty-nine dollars. So fans can get into game for price of a Yankee Stadium hot dog & beer.

NFLPA now filed for restraining order to block Ezekiel Elliott suspension. If this keeps up suspension won’t take place until Zeke retires.

Tiger Woods has apparently been cleared to resume full golf activity with no restrictions. Does that include waitresses?

 

If the @Spurs knock off the @Warriors as NBA champion this year guessing they won’t be visiting the White House either. #Popovich

And just in case anyone didn’t know. #GreggPopovich, besides being one of greatest coaches ever, is an actual veteran,

Trader Joe’s now has pumpkin-flavored dog treats. So ready for it to be November.

 

Nothing says respect for Judeo-Christian values like nominating someone’s former mistress & now third wife as Ambassador to the Vatican.

 

Interesting how I haven’t heard a peep about Calista Gingrich from those who attack Hillary for enabling her cheating husband.

Think if firefighters started kneeling that Trump would find time for a tweet about California Wildfires?

After saying little on opioids after his August promise pledge to declare a national emergency, Trump now says, “probably next week” he will make a major announcement.
Translation, he’s waiting for the next issue to surface re Jared, Ivanka or Russia so he can make the bigliest distraction.

Trump not only attacked Obama, falsely, about fallen soldiers, he said in his answer about ignoring the men killed in Niger “I’ve actually written letters individually to the soldiers we’re talking about, and they’re going to be going out either today or tomorrow.”

Translation, he’s going to get someone on his staff to write letters immediately for him to sign.

 

Here’s one thing some men just don’t seem to get. Of course both men and women can have a lousy boss and/or get harassed at work. But almost never do men get bullied or harassed just BECAUSE of their gender.

Trump today, when asked why he hasn’t mentioned the 4 US soldiers killed in Niger 12 days ago, said he “planned'” to call their families, but added “So the traditional way, if you look at President Obama and other presidents, most of them, didn’t make calls, a lot of them didn’t make calls, I like to call when it’s appropriate, when I think I’m able to do it.”
He’s not a “f*cking moron,” he’s a “f*cking evil bastard.”

 

In case any reader didn’t see Popovich’s comments today.  And in case anyone wonders why I’m a Spurs fan.

https://www.thenation.com/article/a-soulless-coward-coach-gregg-popovich-responds-to-trump/