Posted tagged ‘Thanksgiving jokes’

Consistency

November 26, 2017

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the Cleveland Browns sucking.

Alabama fans think they should still be in the College Football Playoff despite being beaten solidly by Auburn.  Well, especially after the Crimson Tide played a tough out-of-conference schedule including Colorado State and Mercer.

When @POTUS endorses a child molester for Senate guess it made sense for Tennessee to try hire someone who covered up child abuse as their head coach.

Although, news flash – Tennessee at least noted public outrage and has apparently changed their mind on Greg Schiano.

 

Cyber Monday looks like more than a few college football teams will be shopping for coaches.

Tony Parker finally returning to @Spurs Monday night.   San Antonio thrilled to have him back, & thankful most of his considerable medical expenses were covered by Medicare.

Last Sunday’s Ford EcoBoost 400, NASCAR Cup Series finale, had lowest ratings in race’s 19 yr history.  Again, must have been all those black drivers kneeling.

 

Since everyone is online all the time now shouldn’t #CyberMonday be retitled “Cyber Day that ends in Y?

Not saying there’s a #Kaepernick curse on @NFL. But there sure are a lot of QBs playing badly in 2017.

“Hi, I’m Roy, and what grade are you in honey? #ThingsNotToSayAtAHolidayParty

Now @realDonaldTrump questioning Access Hollywood tape after admitting it was real. So he’s calling his own words #FakeNews.

Trump is now calling Doug Jones a “Schumer/Pelosi” puppet. Aww, what happened to all those nice words he said about Chuck & Nancy?

 

Rough weekend for Trump – He can’t decide whether to tweet that he SHOULD be Time’s Man of the Year, or dismiss the magazine as Fake News.

Trump says Doug Jones wants to “RAISES (sic) TAXES.” And he’d probably want to spent taxes on things like education? #grammarandspellinghavealiberalbias

Susan Sarandon has a right to her anti-Hillary opinion, but hard to tell Alabama voters they have to vote for the lesser evil, when liberals won’t do same thing.

At least w/ all of Trump’s #FakeNews rants many Americans who might sympathize w/ #NYTimes‘ Nazi normalization story no longer read the paper.

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Weekend turkeys?

November 22, 2017

Cheapest ticket on Stubhub for Stanford game Saturday – $65. For 49ers game Sunday, $25. To be fair, Cardinal has more entertaining team.

Former US Gymnastic doctor Larry Nassar. “I’m so horribly sorry.” Well, he got the horrible part right.

WR Jauan Jennings was dismissed from Tennessee football team after he posted an R-rated Instagram video calling coaches “lying,” “fake” & “snakes.”
And here Volunteers fans thinking their most embarrassing moments this year would be on the field.

Know online shopping is out of control when you’re getting emails advertising “last few hours of pre-Black Friday sale.”

Whoever thought that in any situation involving another person, Lavar Ball would be the adult in the room.

As they blow up the balloons tonight for tomorrow’s #MacysThanksgivingDayParade six words – Must. Not. Make. Chris. Christie. Jokes.

54th anniversary of JFK’s death. Waiting for Trump to tweet “I like Presidents who weren’t assassinated.”

Trump SoHo hotel taking his name off property as it’s hurting their image. Any chance we can do that for White House? Asking for a country.

Trump supporters have no problem w/ Mar-A-Lago as “Winter White House” where all profits flow directly to him. But they sure bitched when Obama rented house in Hawaii.

NYPD detective arrested for burning her husband’s clothes because she thought he was cheating on her. At least she didn’t set the fire w/ him wearing them.

Headline “Congressman tries to explain nude selfie.” Here’s a hint – don’t take one in the first place. #JoeBarton

As the #JoeBarton story (& unfortunate visual) goes viral, how much, again, do I miss Molly Ivins?

Too soon to start a pool on when Trump will endorse Joe Barton?

Like most heterosexual women, I like looking at guys. But doesn’t matter who it is, even George Clooney or Drew Brees . Would rather see them at least partially clothed. 🙂 #Nodickpics

Are women not sexual predators because we’re better people? Or because we aren’t powerful enough to be predators? Would be nice to have enough women in charge to find out..

Real turkeys.

November 22, 2017

NFL really missing great marketing opportunity – “This Thanksgiving, watch our games instead of talking politics with your relatives.”

Although  football fans in search of a real turkey may have to wait two days past Thanksgiving.  When Tennessee and Vanderbilt, both 0-7 in SEC conference play, play each other.

Ex-Braves GM John Coppolella banned for life from MLB for violating rules on intl signing. You’d think with cheating on that level Atlanta would have better team.

 

Jerry Jones decides not to sue NFL over Roger Goodell’s contract extension. What a relief for all those opposed to billionaire on billionaire violence.

Even though Markelle Fultz is injured, 76ers got to think they dodged a bullet picking him now instead of Lonzo Ball (& dad.)

NASCAR ratings on Fox Sports are down 17% this year. I’m sure it’s all those black drivers kneeling for the National Anthem.

Charlie Rose has been fired. At this point his only hope for a career save is to run for office as Republican promising to support tax cuts.

Following Trump’s pardon Tuesday morning, will Thanksgiving at Mar-A-Lago see Jared and Don Jr. fight over the turkey costume?

GOP & Trump position – only women telling the truth about sexual assault are accusing Democrats.

For those trying to think of something to keep them too nauseous to overeat on Thanksgiving – Roy Moore’s friend, defending Moore’s dating habits – “there’s something about a purity of a young woman.”

By calling all women who have accused him liars, Roy Moore is assaulting them a second time.

Cynthia Wesley, Carole Robertson & Addie Mae Collins were 14 yrs old, Denise McNair was 11. But according to Trump, Doug Jones, who finally convicted their killers, is “soft on crime.” #deplorable

Who Trump trusts: Roy Moore, Vladimir Putin.
Who Trump doesn’t trust: Everybody else

Maybe Democrats are taking too high a road on their defense of #NetNeutrality. Maybe we just need to shout at men “This will stop your free porn.”

Turkey time

November 26, 2015

 

The travel advisory says to avoid crowds. What fun is that?

 

 

dragon

So tomorrow is Black Friday.  When Americans who spent the day fighting with their relatives can use those newly honed skills to fight with their fellow shoppers over half-priced sweaters.

Police issued a court summons to a Russian man who with his son flew a drone over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade today, and the man is complaining ‘They thought I was a terrorist.”
Uh, considering the current climate, hope the summons includes a charge for criminal stupidity.

So Johnny Manziel has now been demoted to third string after he not only was seen partying in a video, but lied to his coaches about when the video was shot. Manziel is doing for the reputed intelligence of quarterbacks what Ben Carson is doing for neurosurgeons.

Washington has announced that CB Chris Culliver tore his ACL and will be out for the season, their 6th starter out for the year. Bummer. Makes it increasingly unlikely that the 4-6 Redskins will be the NFC East team that gets blown out in the first round of the playoffs.

 

So in honor of the day and their play today, should we temporarily rename them the Philadelphia Turkeys. ‪#‎Eagles‬ ‪#‎Lions‬

No NBA games on Thanksgiving. The league did, however, give Americans a holiday turkey early with the 76ers game.

There are rumors of Chip Kelly returning to college football. And he’s doing a great job of showing he can coach a CFB playoff level team.

76ers rookie Jahlil Okafor apparently knocked a guy out in a street fight in Boston last night. Of course Okafor should know better. But hey, it might be the only win he can remember this year.

A Portland hospital is apparently the first to offer nitrous oxide,aka laughing gas, as a pain medication during labor. Have to wonder, if they started doing this sooner, how much higher might the local birth rate be?

Happy Thanksgiving , or belated Thanksgiving, to all my readers.  You are the reason I do this and I am very grateful.  Seriously.  Now back to snark.

Not in our pool?

October 1, 2015

The Houston Astros control their own playoff destiny this weekend in Arizona. So what are the D’backs doing about it – putting a shark in the pool?

On a lighter note, former SF Giants catcher and current Dbacks announcer Bob Brenly apparently had a good time with a sorority group taking nonstop selfies at last night’s game -“Better angle—that’s the best out of the 300 I’ve taken today—welcome to parenting 2015—oh wait, let me take a selfie with the hot dog…” I miss Brenly.

Apple watches are so far under-performing the company’s expectations. Makes some sense, the demographic that is old enough to think they need to wear a watch, is too old to figure out how to use the damn Apple things.

A new study says that “phubbing – (phone snubbing) a significant other frequently can damage romantic relationships and increase depression. Wonder how many people told their partners this and got “Honey, what did you say? I was answering a text.”

Jeremy ‪#‎Affeldt‬ says he will retire at end of season’s end. Guess he wants to spend more time getting injured with his family ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Staples says that they are going to resist the trend of opening on Thanksgiving and will remained closed this year on the holiday. Good of them. But really, who wakes up in the morning and says “Ooh, let’s go shopping for office supplies”?

Five-star forward Wenyen Gabriel announced today he is committing to Kentucky for basketball. Good news for John Calipari. But can we stop referring to them as “recruiting classes.” Nothing about Calipari’s recruiting is about classes..

The NCAA found that guard Keith Frazier passed an online course to meet NCAA initial eligibility standards and be admitted to the university, but that an admin had logged in as him and completed all the work. Frazier told ESPN “I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t know she was doing that class for me.I wasn’t aware of that.”
He might be telling the truth – “You mean I had course work?”

John Boehner has started damage control after Kevin McCarthy intimated that the Benghazi hearings were politically motivated. And I’ll bet the speaker is gleefully thinking “30 more days, 30 more days…..”

Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear is describing county clerk Kim Davis’ reasons for not granting marriage licenses to gay couples as ‘absurd’ and ‘obtuse.: Wonder how many critics are complaining about Beshear using foreign words.

From Bill Littlejohn: “September was the NFL’s first no-arrest month in six years.Except for the 49ers Super Bowl chances going into cardiac arrest.”

The ‪#‎Oregon‬ shooter was a 20 something white male. Surprisingly, alas, almost no one.  –

Maybe the law change we really need to make to reduce mass shootings in this country is to make it illegal for any man under 30 to own more than a single-shot hunting rifle.

It’s seriously a real shame that the serious mental health issues weren’t a major worry when the U.S. was founded. Because had something been put in an amendment, just MAYBE the GOP would be as fervent about mental health rights as they are about gun rights. Well, we can dream anyway.

Too many questions and too much we don’t know about today’s shooting in Oregon. One question for those who support gun rights: Okay,I get your right to hunt and to protect yourself. But how in the world does that necessitate having an assault weapon?

Turkey day and night

November 28, 2014

The three NFL games on Thanksgiving were all bad enough some people found themselves forced to actually talk to their relatives.

FOX is advertising a post-game “Cause for Paws” tonight – “An All-Star Dog Spectacular.”. So are they doing a show on the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬

 

 

Were the ‪#‎49ers‬ tonight trying to earn a transfer to the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬?

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh at halftime. “We’re going to show up this half.”. So no one told San Francisco they needed to show up in the first half?

49ers owner Jed York tweeted out at the end of the game “Thank you for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.”    Wonder if both fans left in the stands appreciated the sentiment?

As for the middle game, it would have taken a lot more than one ‪#‎buttfumble‬ today to save the ‪#‎Cowboys‬. ‪#‎PHIvsDAL‬

There are moments when I think it would have been nice to have a daughter. Then I watch the ‪#‎Dallascowboys‬ cheerleaders. And think – their parents must be so proud.

In Siberia, when an airplane’s brakes froze, passengers helped push their own plane on a snow-covered runway. And in the U.S., airlines thought… hmm, how can we use this idea to cut costs this winter?

 

Oil prices fell to under $70 a barrel today. Which means somehow airlines will find a way to spin that to increase fuel surcharges.

Just a thought. Many people are upset about the idea of Thanksgiving shopping because it means others are working on the holiday. But no one’s been screaming about folks working at airlines, hotels, restaurants, and, if you’ve forgotten something for dinner, grocery stores.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently served colored water masquerading as tequila. Makes sense. The Bucs are also masquerading as an NFL team.

But really? What were they thinking? If someone wants to drink colored water there’s always Bud Light.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was a success today with no balloon malfunctions. And on a holiday it would be uncharitable to make a Chris Christie joke here.

P.D.James, 94 has passed away. If you’re a mystery reader who knows her books, you know how sad this is. If you’re a mystery reader who hasn’t read her books… you have a lot of potential treats in store. ‪#‎AdamDagliesh‬

Bus to hell time. A man hiking in New Jersey took a series of five pictures on his cellphone of a black bear before the bear attacked and mauled him to death. Guess he should have stopped at four?

(my friend Marty B. calls it “a Kodiak moment.”)

 

Turkey time

November 26, 2014

This afternoon, most media outlets covered President Obama’s executive order pardoning two turkeys. So where’s the coverage of Ted Cruz’s opposing filibuster?

Although Britain doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, stores and websites across the pond have started offering “Black Friday” sales. Good to know that the U.S.A. is exporting our traditional values around the world.

So far, while hundreds of flights were cancelled, air travel was not as awful as expected with the today’s east coast storm. Making many travelers happy, while seriously disappointing others who were all ready to try not to giggle while telling relatives “sorry, just can’t make it this year.”

Hmm, Stanford coach David Shaw thinks his team is “still an attractive team to a bowl”, because “fans have traveled to the last four bowl games.” True enough, but those were big BCS bowls. Wonder how many alums have the Cactus Bowl on their holiday wish list.

A British man on a way to his honeymoon in Cuba got drunk enough on the plane that he first fought with his bride, then threatened the flight crew. So the flight landed in Bermuda, he was arrested, and his wife and the rest of the plane went on without him. Well, that’s getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry..

Musical QB chairs time. The Jets are moving back to starting Geno Smith this Sunday. It’s all part of a complicated process for NY to aim for the #1 draft pick?

A new billboard in Denver warns parents to keep marijuana candy and alcohol away from kids. Cool But can they add guns to the list?

 

If the NFL REALLY wanted to give Americans a Thanksgiving turkey, wouldn’t the league have figured out a way to have a team from the NFL South play Thursday?

Saints and Falcons tied for NFC South lead at 4 and 7. Could be first NFL division champion this year who wouldn’t be NCAA bowl eligible.

Now there are rumors that RGIII is done as the Redskins’ QB. If true, how long until Washington gets a trade offer from the Jets?

 

A man whose backpack was stolen Sunday night in Berkeley discovered his credit card was being used to order a pizza a few hours later. He called the cops, the cops called the pizza place, delivered the pizza, arrested three men, and recovered the stolen property. ‪#‎crooksreallyarestupid‬

From Alex Kaseberg:   “A woman in the crowd before last weekend’s Tennessee football  game wept when Tim Tebow presented her with a piece of cake. Unfortunately for her, the cake was then intercepted and returned for a touchdown.