Posted tagged ‘Thanksgiving jokes’

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Consistency

November 26, 2017

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the Cleveland Browns sucking.

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Alabama fans think they should still be in the College Football Playoff despite being beaten solidly by Auburn.  Well, especially after the Crimson Tide played a tough out-of-conference schedule including Colorado State and Mercer.

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When @POTUS endorses a child molester for Senate guess it made sense for Tennessee to try hire someone who covered up child abuse as their head coach.

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Although, news flash – Tennessee at least noted public outrage and has apparently changed their mind on Greg Schiano.

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Cyber Monday looks like more than a few college football teams will be shopping for coaches.

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Tony Parker finally returning to @Spurs Monday night.   San Antonio thrilled to have him back, & thankful most of his considerable medical expenses were covered by Medicare.

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Last Sunday’s Ford EcoBoost 400, NASCAR Cup Series finale, had lowest ratings in race’s 19 yr history.  Again, must have been all those black drivers kneeling.

 

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Since everyone is online all the time now shouldn’t #CyberMonday be retitled “Cyber Day that ends in Y?

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Not saying there’s a #Kaepernick curse on @NFL. But there sure are a lot of QBs playing badly in 2017.

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“Hi, I’m Roy, and what grade are you in honey? #ThingsNotToSayAtAHolidayParty

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Now @realDonaldTrump questioning Access Hollywood tape after admitting it was real. So he’s calling his own words #FakeNews.

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Trump is now calling Doug Jones a “Schumer/Pelosi” puppet. Aww, what happened to all those nice words he said about Chuck & Nancy?

 

Rough weekend for Trump – He can’t decide whether to tweet that he SHOULD be Time’s Man of the Year, or dismiss the magazine as Fake News.

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Trump says Doug Jones wants to “RAISES (sic) TAXES.” And he’d probably want to spent taxes on things like education? #grammarandspellinghavealiberalbias
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Susan Sarandon has a right to her anti-Hillary opinion, but hard to tell Alabama voters they have to vote for the lesser evil, when liberals won’t do same thing.

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At least w/ all of Trump’s #FakeNews rants many Americans who might sympathize w/ #NYTimes‘ Nazi normalization story no longer read the paper.

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Weekend turkeys?

November 22, 2017

Cheapest ticket on Stubhub for Stanford game Saturday – $65. For 49ers game Sunday, $25. To be fair, Cardinal has more entertaining team.

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Former US Gymnastic doctor Larry Nassar. “I’m so horribly sorry.” Well, he got the horrible part right.

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WR Jauan Jennings was dismissed from Tennessee football team after he posted an R-rated Instagram video calling coaches “lying,” “fake” & “snakes.”
And here Volunteers fans thinking their most embarrassing moments this year would be on the field.

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Know online shopping is out of control when you’re getting emails advertising “last few hours of pre-Black Friday sale.”

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Whoever thought that in any situation involving another person, Lavar Ball would be the adult in the room.

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As they blow up the balloons tonight for tomorrow’s #MacysThanksgivingDayParade six words – Must. Not. Make. Chris. Christie. Jokes.

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54th anniversary of JFK’s death. Waiting for Trump to tweet “I like Presidents who weren’t assassinated.”

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Trump SoHo hotel taking his name off property as it’s hurting their image. Any chance we can do that for White House? Asking for a country.

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Trump supporters have no problem w/ Mar-A-Lago as “Winter White House” where all profits flow directly to him. But they sure bitched when Obama rented house in Hawaii.

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NYPD detective arrested for burning her husband’s clothes because she thought he was cheating on her. At least she didn’t set the fire w/ him wearing them.

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Headline “Congressman tries to explain nude selfie.” Here’s a hint – don’t take one in the first place. #JoeBarton

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As the #JoeBarton story (& unfortunate visual) goes viral, how much, again, do I miss Molly Ivins?

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Too soon to start a pool on when Trump will endorse Joe Barton?

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Like most heterosexual women, I like looking at guys. But doesn’t matter who it is, even George Clooney or Drew Brees . Would rather see them at least partially clothed. 🙂 #Nodickpics

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Are women not sexual predators because we’re better people? Or because we aren’t powerful enough to be predators? Would be nice to have enough women in charge to find out..

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Real turkeys.

November 22, 2017

NFL really missing great marketing opportunity – “This Thanksgiving, watch our games instead of talking politics with your relatives.”

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Although  football fans in search of a real turkey may have to wait two days past Thanksgiving.  When Tennessee and Vanderbilt, both 0-7 in SEC conference play, play each other.

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Ex-Braves GM John Coppolella banned for life from MLB for violating rules on intl signing. You’d think with cheating on that level Atlanta would have better team.

 

Jerry Jones decides not to sue NFL over Roger Goodell’s contract extension. What a relief for all those opposed to billionaire on billionaire violence.

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Even though Markelle Fultz is injured, 76ers got to think they dodged a bullet picking him now instead of Lonzo Ball (& dad.)

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NASCAR ratings on Fox Sports are down 17% this year. I’m sure it’s all those black drivers kneeling for the National Anthem.

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Charlie Rose has been fired. At this point his only hope for a career save is to run for office as Republican promising to support tax cuts.

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Following Trump’s pardon Tuesday morning, will Thanksgiving at Mar-A-Lago see Jared and Don Jr. fight over the turkey costume?

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GOP & Trump position – only women telling the truth about sexual assault are accusing Democrats.

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For those trying to think of something to keep them too nauseous to overeat on Thanksgiving – Roy Moore’s friend, defending Moore’s dating habits – “there’s something about a purity of a young woman.”

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By calling all women who have accused him liars, Roy Moore is assaulting them a second time.

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Cynthia Wesley, Carole Robertson & Addie Mae Collins were 14 yrs old, Denise McNair was 11. But according to Trump, Doug Jones, who finally convicted their killers, is “soft on crime.” #deplorable

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Who Trump trusts: Roy Moore, Vladimir Putin.
Who Trump doesn’t trust: Everybody else

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Maybe Democrats are taking too high a road on their defense of #NetNeutrality. Maybe we just need to shout at men “This will stop your free porn.”

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Turkey time

November 26, 2015

 

The travel advisory says to avoid crowds. What fun is that?

 

 

dragon

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So tomorrow is Black Friday.  When Americans who spent the day fighting with their relatives can use those newly honed skills to fight with their fellow shoppers over half-priced sweaters.

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Police issued a court summons to a Russian man who with his son flew a drone over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade today, and the man is complaining ‘They thought I was a terrorist.”
Uh, considering the current climate, hope the summons includes a charge for criminal stupidity.

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So Johnny Manziel has now been demoted to third string after he not only was seen partying in a video, but lied to his coaches about when the video was shot. Manziel is doing for the reputed intelligence of quarterbacks what Ben Carson is doing for neurosurgeons.

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Washington has announced that CB Chris Culliver tore his ACL and will be out for the season, their 6th starter out for the year. Bummer. Makes it increasingly unlikely that the 4-6 Redskins will be the NFC East team that gets blown out in the first round of the playoffs.

 

So in honor of the day and their play today, should we temporarily rename them the Philadelphia Turkeys. ‪#‎Eagles‬ ‪#‎Lions‬

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No NBA games on Thanksgiving. The league did, however, give Americans a holiday turkey early with the 76ers game.

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There are rumors of Chip Kelly returning to college football. And he’s doing a great job of showing he can coach a CFB playoff level team.

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76ers rookie Jahlil Okafor apparently knocked a guy out in a street fight in Boston last night. Of course Okafor should know better. But hey, it might be the only win he can remember this year.

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A Portland hospital is apparently the first to offer nitrous oxide,aka laughing gas, as a pain medication during labor. Have to wonder, if they started doing this sooner, how much higher might the local birth rate be?

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Happy Thanksgiving , or belated Thanksgiving, to all my readers.  You are the reason I do this and I am very grateful.  Seriously.  Now back to snark.

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Not in our pool?

October 1, 2015

The Houston Astros control their own playoff destiny this weekend in Arizona. So what are the D’backs doing about it – putting a shark in the pool?

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On a lighter note, former SF Giants catcher and current Dbacks announcer Bob Brenly apparently had a good time with a sorority group taking nonstop selfies at last night’s game -“Better angle—that’s the best out of the 300 I’ve taken today—welcome to parenting 2015—oh wait, let me take a selfie with the hot dog…” I miss Brenly.

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Apple watches are so far under-performing the company’s expectations. Makes some sense, the demographic that is old enough to think they need to wear a watch, is too old to figure out how to use the damn Apple things.

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A new study says that “phubbing – (phone snubbing) a significant other frequently can damage romantic relationships and increase depression. Wonder how many people told their partners this and got “Honey, what did you say? I was answering a text.”

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Jeremy ‪#‎Affeldt‬ says he will retire at end of season’s end. Guess he wants to spend more time getting injured with his family ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Staples says that they are going to resist the trend of opening on Thanksgiving and will remained closed this year on the holiday. Good of them. But really, who wakes up in the morning and says “Ooh, let’s go shopping for office supplies”?

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Five-star forward Wenyen Gabriel announced today he is committing to Kentucky for basketball. Good news for John Calipari. But can we stop referring to them as “recruiting classes.” Nothing about Calipari’s recruiting is about classes..

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The NCAA found that guard Keith Frazier passed an online course to meet NCAA initial eligibility standards and be admitted to the university, but that an admin had logged in as him and completed all the work. Frazier told ESPN “I didn’t even know what was going on. I didn’t know she was doing that class for me.I wasn’t aware of that.”
He might be telling the truth – “You mean I had course work?”

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John Boehner has started damage control after Kevin McCarthy intimated that the Benghazi hearings were politically motivated. And I’ll bet the speaker is gleefully thinking “30 more days, 30 more days…..”

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Kentucky Governor Steve Beshear is describing county clerk Kim Davis’ reasons for not granting marriage licenses to gay couples as ‘absurd’ and ‘obtuse.: Wonder how many critics are complaining about Beshear using foreign words.

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From Bill Littlejohn: “September was the NFL’s first no-arrest month in six years.Except for the 49ers Super Bowl chances going into cardiac arrest.”

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The ‪#‎Oregon‬ shooter was a 20 something white male. Surprisingly, alas, almost no one.  –

Maybe the law change we really need to make to reduce mass shootings in this country is to make it illegal for any man under 30 to own more than a single-shot hunting rifle.

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It’s seriously a real shame that the serious mental health issues weren’t a major worry when the U.S. was founded. Because had something been put in an amendment, just MAYBE the GOP would be as fervent about mental health rights as they are about gun rights. Well, we can dream anyway.

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Too many questions and too much we don’t know about today’s shooting in Oregon. One question for those who support gun rights: Okay,I get your right to hunt and to protect yourself. But how in the world does that necessitate having an assault weapon?

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Turkey day and night

November 28, 2014

The three NFL games on Thanksgiving were all bad enough some people found themselves forced to actually talk to their relatives.

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FOX is advertising a post-game “Cause for Paws” tonight – “An All-Star Dog Spectacular.”. So are they doing a show on the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬

 

 

Were the ‪#‎49ers‬ tonight trying to earn a transfer to the ‪#‎NFCSouth‬?

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh at halftime. “We’re going to show up this half.”. So no one told San Francisco they needed to show up in the first half?

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49ers owner Jed York tweeted out at the end of the game “Thank you for coming out strong tonight. This performance wasn’t acceptable. I apologize for that.”    Wonder if both fans left in the stands appreciated the sentiment?

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As for the middle game, it would have taken a lot more than one ‪#‎buttfumble‬ today to save the ‪#‎Cowboys‬. ‪#‎PHIvsDAL‬

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There are moments when I think it would have been nice to have a daughter. Then I watch the ‪#‎Dallascowboys‬ cheerleaders. And think – their parents must be so proud.

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In Siberia, when an airplane’s brakes froze, passengers helped push their own plane on a snow-covered runway. And in the U.S., airlines thought… hmm, how can we use this idea to cut costs this winter?

 

Oil prices fell to under $70 a barrel today. Which means somehow airlines will find a way to spin that to increase fuel surcharges.

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Just a thought. Many people are upset about the idea of Thanksgiving shopping because it means others are working on the holiday. But no one’s been screaming about folks working at airlines, hotels, restaurants, and, if you’ve forgotten something for dinner, grocery stores.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers apparently served colored water masquerading as tequila. Makes sense. The Bucs are also masquerading as an NFL team.

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But really? What were they thinking? If someone wants to drink colored water there’s always Bud Light.

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The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was a success today with no balloon malfunctions. And on a holiday it would be uncharitable to make a Chris Christie joke here.

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P.D.James, 94 has passed away. If you’re a mystery reader who knows her books, you know how sad this is. If you’re a mystery reader who hasn’t read her books… you have a lot of potential treats in store. ‪#‎AdamDagliesh‬

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Bus to hell time. A man hiking in New Jersey took a series of five pictures on his cellphone of a black bear before the bear attacked and mauled him to death. Guess he should have stopped at four?

(my friend Marty B. calls it “a Kodiak moment.”)

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Turkey time

November 26, 2014

This afternoon, most media outlets covered President Obama’s executive order pardoning two turkeys. So where’s the coverage of Ted Cruz’s opposing filibuster?

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Although Britain doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving, stores and websites across the pond have started offering “Black Friday” sales. Good to know that the U.S.A. is exporting our traditional values around the world.

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So far, while hundreds of flights were cancelled, air travel was not as awful as expected with the today’s east coast storm. Making many travelers happy, while seriously disappointing others who were all ready to try not to giggle while telling relatives “sorry, just can’t make it this year.”

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Hmm, Stanford coach David Shaw thinks his team is “still an attractive team to a bowl”, because “fans have traveled to the last four bowl games.” True enough, but those were big BCS bowls. Wonder how many alums have the Cactus Bowl on their holiday wish list.

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A British man on a way to his honeymoon in Cuba got drunk enough on the plane that he first fought with his bride, then threatened the flight crew. So the flight landed in Bermuda, he was arrested, and his wife and the rest of the plane went on without him. Well, that’s getting the “for worse” out of the way in a hurry..

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Musical QB chairs time. The Jets are moving back to starting Geno Smith this Sunday. It’s all part of a complicated process for NY to aim for the #1 draft pick?

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A new billboard in Denver warns parents to keep marijuana candy and alcohol away from kids. Cool But can they add guns to the list?

 

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If the NFL REALLY wanted to give Americans a Thanksgiving turkey, wouldn’t the league have figured out a way to have a team from the NFL South play Thursday?

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Saints and Falcons tied for NFC South lead at 4 and 7. Could be first NFL division champion this year who wouldn’t be NCAA bowl eligible.

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Now there are rumors that RGIII is done as the Redskins’ QB. If true, how long until Washington gets a trade offer from the Jets?

 

A man whose backpack was stolen Sunday night in Berkeley discovered his credit card was being used to order a pizza a few hours later. He called the cops, the cops called the pizza place, delivered the pizza, arrested three men, and recovered the stolen property. ‪#‎crooksreallyarestupid‬

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From Alex Kaseberg:   “A woman in the crowd before last weekend’s Tennessee football  game wept when Tim Tebow presented her with a piece of cake. Unfortunately for her, the cake was then intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

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Getting what you didn’t pay for.

November 24, 2014

StubHub is not allowing sales of tickets given away for the Monday night Bills-Jets game, saying their policy is often not to allow sales of tickets the seller has obtained for free. Well, that and Stubhub doesn’t think they’ll make much money on the game anyway.

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But meanwhile, scalpers are reportedly  asking up to $125 for “free tickets” to the Buffalo-NY game in Detroit Monday night. And Jets fans are thinking “clearly buyers haven’t seen our team play.”

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Joey Chestnut has won a turkey-eating contest in Connecticut, eating 9.5 pounds of meat off a 20 pound turkey in 10 minutes. Wonder what Chestnut then did for a main course.

 

Lindsey Graham said of the GOP-led EIGHTH Benghazi House investigation findings, “I think the report is full of crap,” A new definition of infinity might be how many investigations it would take to convince Senator Graham that the Obama administration really didn’t lie to cover up what happened.

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#‎SF49ers‬ both won and accomplished the near impossible Sunday.   They made the Washington ‪#‎Redskins‬ look like a decent ‪#‎NFL‬ team.

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A student organizing protests against a proposed UC Berkeley tuition hike was quoted as saying that “the public university will be more expensive than Ivy League for out-of-state students. What will be the incentive for out-of-state students to come here if it’s more expensive than a private school?” Uh, leaving football out of it, maybe if they get admitted to Cal and not an Ivy League?

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If the Saints can beat the Ravens on MNF they will take control of the NFL South with an impressive record of 5-6.

Or there’s this tweet from @NOTSportsCenter):

NFC South Week 12 results-

Falcons: Lost to Browns
Bucs: Lost to Bears
Panthers: Lost to Bye week
Saints: Waiting till tomorrow to lose

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Tough question of the day. If you saw both Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones and Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder both about to be set upon by a pack of starving wolves, which man would you point the wolves to first?

 

Be careful what you wish for. Stanford became bowl eligible by beating Cal yesterday in the Big Game. And could be headed to the Cactus Bowl. The #6 choice from the Pac 12 vs the #5 choice from the Big 12. In Glendale, AZ, on January 2. So their reward could be a “who-cares” game, which would require practicing all the way through the holiday season…..

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Trader Joe’s $8.99 potted Amaryllis bulb LITERALLY grows enough that you can see a difference overnight. Are we sure that the store isn’t using something illegal and performance enhancing? ‪#‎simplepleasures‬

 

 

 

 

 

From T.C.  “NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that he is not out of touch with player Personal Conduct policies. Goodell then announced that he was suspending Bill Cosby indefinitely.

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Birds of a feather?

November 13, 2014

The college bowl game formerly known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl,” now scheduled for Dec. 30 at Levi’s Stadium, has been renamed and will now be the “Foster Farms Bowl.” So how long until it gets named the “Chicken Sh*t Bowl”?

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A tractor-trailer overturned and spilled about 25,000 pounds of frozen boxed turkeys onto I-680 in Northern California today. So forget free range, this year expect to see ads for freeway turkeys.

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One rumor has the Red Sox flying Pablo Sandoval out to Boston for a visit next week. Considering that the Boston weather is expected to have a high in the 30s, the SF Giants might be good with that.

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Tom Brady on Andrew Luck. “He does a lot of things I wish I could do.” Starting with turning back the clock to being 25 again?

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Blake Griffin has been charged with one count of misdemeanor battery for an October incident in a Las Vegas nightclub. Shocking. Mostly that when the police charged the Clippers’ forward, that Griffin didn’t immediately flop.

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KNBR’s Gary Radnich has noticed it too. For those going through SF baseball withdrawal, the San Antonio Spurs are kind of like the Giants. Not particularly flashy, not much attention on the highlight shows, but they play like a team and just keep winning. Although the Spurs don’t have any cool animal nicknames.

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Undefeated Florida State was dropped in the College Football Rankings, in large part because they haven’t had big enough margins of victory. Coach Jimbo Fisher shrugged it off and “I’m hoping to hold the integrity of the game higher than everybody else.” “Integrity of the game!” In college football?. And Fisher said it with a straight face.

 

Florida State officials apparently have agreed to postpone Jameis Winston’s upcoming student conduct code hearing until Dec.1, because the QB’s attorney told them he hadn’t had “sufficient time to review the evidence.” So on Nov. 30 presume they will ask for one more extension until say, Jan. 13? (The day after the College Football Championship game)

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KOMO-4 TV in Seattle discovered that beer at CenturyLink Field is watered down. Wow. Imagine how loud Seahawks fans would be if they were drinking the regular stuff.

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Marijuana sales actually fell for the first time in September since it became legal in January 2014. People saving up to buy extra for the holidays?   Or new college students who didn’t realize it was a good idea to write down the addresses after their first purchase? (“Dude, where’s my pot store?”)

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Ted Cruz’s supporters have started a ‘Stand for Principle’ PAC to support him in 2016. Which means the Texas senator is probably running for President. Great news. For comedy writers.

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On a serious note, the attorney general’s office in the Dominican Republic reported that the Cardinals’ star rookie propect Oscar Taveras’s blood alcohol level was “five times the legal limit” when he crashed his car and died last month. Sadly proving once again that it’s not just the illegal drugs that can cause a problem in professional sports.

 

A 4.8 earthquake today hit Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas. Not sure, but maybe Mother Nature wasn’t very happy with last week’s election results.

 

 

 

 

What’s wrong with MLB’s TV & marketing focus on a few teams? ‪#‎CoreyKluber‬ just won the AL ‪#‎CYYoung‬ award. And many baseball fans are thinking “Who?”

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Post Turkey Stress Syndrome?

November 29, 2013

Forget Obamacare, the healthcare most Americans really need on Thanksgiving is something to monitor blood pressure and tell them when it’s time to stop arguing with their relatives.

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The Bengals-Chargers game in San Diego will be the first NFL blackout this year. Yeah, that’s the way to raise interest in a team that can’t sell out its games – make sure local fans can’t watch.

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Meanwhile in Washington D.C., even though the Giants-Redskins game at FedEx Field is a sellout, football fans are wondering, can’t the league be kind and give them a less painful network game to watch?

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Brett Favre thought he was irreplaceable to the #Packers . Turns out the QB who really was is Aaron Rodgers.

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A few days, Packers offensive lineman Josh Sitton called the Lions defensive linemen “a bunch of dirtbags or scumbags.”  And no doubt after today’s 40-10 game Detroit fans are thinking “how do we get more dirtbags and scumbags?”

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Another thing to be thankful for. Most crooks are stupid: In Arkansas, man is under arrest after he “butt-dialed” another man he was allegedly paying to have murdered. The intended victim heard the suspect say to make the killing look like an accident. He then returned to his home with police, where someone had broken in and started a gas leak….

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So with stores opening Thursday night many people were faced with a difficult choice after dinner. Leave your family to go to the mall to shop. Or ignore your family to go online to shop.

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Scientists hoped the “comet of the century”, ISON, could slingshot around the sun Thursday and be visible to the naked eye in December,. But apparently the comet has “broken up and died.” Chalk up another victim of Obamacare?

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From T.C   “A Target store in Jacksonville is giving away free Jaguars gear. A spokesperson said, What else can we to do with all this stuff that’s been returned?”

 

All this commotion about stores opening on Thanksgiving: Many Americans who were flying, stopping at gas stations, staying in hotels and eating dinner at restaurants, found it very depressing that retail employees needed to work today.

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Turkey time

November 28, 2013

This year Thanksgiving falls on the first day of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. Perfect. We can start feeling guilty even before we overeat.

 

 

Storms were milder than expected Wednesday, resulting in fewer than expected air traffic delays. Although no doubt airlines looking ahead to next year have to be considering a “holiday weather surcharge.”

 

Three NFL games tomorrow – Green Bay Detroit, Dallas Oakland, and Pittsburgh-Baltimore. With only two teams, Detroit and Dallas, over .500, barely, at 6-5. Talk about Thanksgiving turkeys.

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President Obama pardoned two turkeys Wednesday. And Republicans immediately accused him of turkey appeasement.

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So let’s see, family tensions, check, turkey to make people sleepy, check, plenty of alcohol before and during dinner, check. Sounds like we’ve got all the ingredients for a real adventure as Americans drive to the mall for Thanksgiving night shopping.

 

A Huffington Post/YouGov poll found that 65% of Democrats, 63% of Republicans and 60% of independents said stores should be closed on Thanksgiving.  Wonder how many people saw those numbers and thought  “Let’s head to the mall – less competition for parking spaces.”

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A Pizza Hut manager in Indiana was fired over his refusal to open his restaurant on Thanksgiving day. Well, it’s understandable. He was depriving all those Americans of their traditional pizza and hot wings feast.

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A Michigan car dealer has offered to give away free cars if the Wolverines shut out Ohio State in football this weekend . Presumably all those free cars will be driven by flying pigs?

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A picture-taking tourist who leaned over too far and fell into a gorge at Victoria Falls in Zambia, somehow escaped with only minor bruises. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Aren’t we glad that those in charge of college athletics are focusing on the right stuff? The NAIA has told a Southwestern College basketball player who won $20,000 for making a half-court shot at an Oklahoma City Thunder game that he will have to forfeit the money or lose his eligibility to play college basketball. (Wish this was the Onion.)

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Richard Simmons said that he wanted to help the Obamas with their fitness campaign but that “hey have rejected me totally.” Finally, SOMETHING the President and Michelle have done that will get bipartisan agreement.

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Minnesota LB Erin Henderson was arrested last week for DUI and possession of a controlled substance, the 3rd Viking arrested in 3 weeks. What are they all trying to do, get traded to the Bengals?

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Ryan Braun at a press conference about PEDs. “It was a huge mistake. I wish that I hadn’t done it. I wish I could go back and do a lot of things different. I don’t think I could specifically pinpoint one thing that I regret more than anything else…”  One thing?  Uh, how about Braun’s trying to throw everyone under the bus who accused him, for starters.

 

Southwest Airlines has announced that wi-fi will now be available gate to gate on their planes. In response, United Airlines said that wi-fi will be available on some of their planes, if you get lucky, but they won’t promise which ones, and that’s if the wi-fi actually works. (But in the meantime they’re taking out the entertainment systems so you might have several hours with NOTHING.) #notsofriendly

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Very bad Santa.

November 26, 2013

A Massachusetts man who played Santa Claus at a mall has charged with groping an 18-year-old woman playing an elf. Are we sure this isn’t a sequel to a Billy Bob Thorton movie?

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I’m a little disappointed in the GOP. It’s been over 24 hours and I haven’t yet seen anyone tie #Brian of #FamilyGuy‘s death to #Obamacare.

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A-Rod has added Bud Selig to his lawsuit against MLB, saying because the commissioner didn’t testify at his hearing that Selig “lacked the courage of his convictions.” Ridiculous. As if anyone thought Bud had convictions.

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#Colts owner Jim Irsay is ranting again on Twitter about his team’s performance.  Another thing to be thankful for –  George Steinbrenner didn’t live in the social media age.

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At this point wouldn’t it be faster for ESPN to announce the players in the Seattle Seahawks secondary who HAVEN’T been suspended?

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Gosh times are tough. Kanye West said he needed to leave his Nike deal to sign with Adidas because “I have to provide for my family.”

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The Mets and Yankees missed the playoffs, the Giants, Jets, Knicks and Nets look well on their way to doing the same. At this point the next NYC-area team to make the post season may be Rutgers football in the no-name bowl.

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The only players signed for the Los Angeles Lakers next season are Kobe Bryant and Steve Nash. Maybe the team hopes to offset their costs with a big endorsement contract from Depends?

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Lots of headlines about CBS ordering Lara Logan and her producer to take a leave of absence over their story on Benghazi which was based on a supposed witness who falsified his story. On Foxnews.com this story is in the entertainment section, after the story on Alec Baldwin being fired.

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The story is that Alec Baldwin’s rants at photographers cost him his talk show job at MSNBC. More like his rants gave the network a chance to dump a show with low ratings.

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Lakers GM manager Mitch Kupchak said today that not only will Kobe Bryant retire as a Laker, he’ll also finish his career playing on a championship-contending team. So is Kobe planning to play until he’s 50?

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Britney Spears’ new album is only 36 minutes long. Isn’t that about the same length as her first marriage?

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Tacky alert:    High winds may ground Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has offered to march as a substitute.

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Random thoughts

November 14, 2013

A thought about all these stores opening Thanksgiving night. Let’s see…take millions of Americans, add family stress, plus alcohol, and put them on the road to the mall. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

 

Random baseball  thought, none of the 2014 CY Young nor MVP winners played in the World Series. Coincidence? Or is there something about having a superstar on the team that makes others feel less urgency about performing?

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Chris Brown checked out of rehab, about two weeks after he checked in following his latest arrest in Washington, D.C. Too soon to start a pool on the next “incident?”

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In a recent poll, Congress was viewed less favorably than hemorrhoids or toenail fungus. Well, makes sense. There are cures for hemorrhoids and toenail fungus.

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MLB owners today approved funding to expand instant replay in 2014. You know what this means – beer prices are going up.

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Apparently the $10 million annual jeweled “Fantasy Bra” created by Victoria’s Secret isn’t very comfortable. Uh, thinking anyone buying such a bra for a present wouldn’t expect it to stay on very long.

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A blind man was kicked off a US Airways flight because his service dog wouldn’t sit still for takeoff. The flight was then cancelled when so many other passengers protested. Wonder how many of them were protesting that airlines don’t do that with parents and children.

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Just when you think the Toronto mayor story can’t get any weirder. Today Rob Ford, denying an affair with a former staffer. “It says I wanted to eat her (fill in the blank) and I have never said that in my life to her. I would never do that. I’m happily married and I’ve got more than enough to eat at home.” Is Ford angling for a post with the Clinton Global Initiative.

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On thing about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,  perhaps he puts to rest the image of Canadian politics being boring to rest once and for all.  (for those who don’t remember Pierre Trudeau.)

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Not sure how long this Rob Ford saga will continue. But if there’s a silver lining for anyone, at least the 2013-14 Maple Leafs are just about guaranteed not to be the biggest target of jokes in Toronto.

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A woman on a Southwest plane that made a rapid descent and then made a safe emergency landing at Raleigh-Durham airport, claims the pilot told passengers “We’re in trouble; we’re going down.'” No word on any possible compensation. But wonder if another carrier might have added a “thrill-ride” surcharge.

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Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito has now filed a grievance against the team over his suspension. This might be the biggest mess ever in Florida football not involving Urban Meyer..

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Once again proving that Twitter is a great way to prove you’re an idiot in only 140 characters: The Clippers’ Matt Barnes, DURING last night’s game, after he was ejected , tweeted, “I love my teammates like family, but I’m DONE standing up for these n—as! All this s— does is cost me money. …” The tweet was later deleted.

 

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Just a hunch that a year from now the GOP will be back to Benghazi as an anti-Obama theme. Because as much of a mess as the Obamacare rollout has been in some ways, is it that different than a lot of big high-tech rollouts? Or say, airline mergers? The biggest mistake made may have been the assumption this was going to be smooth from the get go.

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Bill Littlejohn:  USC coach Ed Orgeron’s handwritten thank-you letters to each member of the Trojan marching band defied school tradition–every word in each note was spelled correctly”

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Final, Final Last Chances…

October 15, 2013

Really? Email Monday from a vendor “Final Day to Shop Our Columbus Day Sale.” But presumably tomorrow is the “First day to shop the Halloween Sale”.

 

So while we’re on the football team name game… In these PC times is it only due to the fact that New Orleans’ team now is pretty good, that we haven’t heard a protest from the Catholic Church?

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Idea for President Obama to get bipartisan agreement during a tough time in Washington, D.C.: Appointing Dan Snyder to some symbolic but meaningless position which would still require Snyder to sell the Redskins.

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In Berkeley, Seattle, and other U.S. cites, Columbus Day is Indigenous Peoples’ Day. But no matter how P.C. this country gets, however, it will probably never spread national-wide. Especially since most Americans can’t spell “Indigenous.”

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Harry Reid said Monday a deal was near to end the shutdown. Maybe someone told Ted Cruz to stay home because no one would be negotiating on Columbus Day?

 

Got to love announcers saying that an 0 2 hole in ALCS or NLCS would mean series was basically over. Guess it’s been so long in MLB  since a team climbed out of a two-game hole…

 

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A backup dancer who dressed up as a teddy bear for Miley Cyrus’s MTV performance is now saying that being “on that stage, in that costume was one of the most degrading things I felt like I could ever do.” Uh, presumably less degrading than a costume where anyone could actually see her face and recognize her.

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Arkansas AD director Jeff Long has been named the first chair of the College Football Playoff selection committee. Someone from the SEC, I’m shocked, shocked…..

 

Tried to buy red wine from United flight attendant. “Sorry, we only have white.”. Okay, then,  fine. Pay the man and he hands me a chilled mini-bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.

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Scientists have found traces of a chemical similar to methamphetamine in Craze, a pre-workout sports supplement. Wonder if the company claims the product was originally designed by a high school teacher?

 

Greg Schiano, coach of the 0-5 Tampa Bay Bucs “The only thing I can say to the fans is, if they can hang in there, we’re going to be good.” Not sure if he’s right, but Schiano has just been named an honorary Chicago Cub

 

Macy’s will open some stores this Thanksgiving at 8pm. The bad news, this will keep many Americans from spending time with their families. The good news, this will keep many Americans from spending time with their families.

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A Massachusetts High School senior volleyball player lost her captain’s title and was suspended five games after she drove to pick up a drunk friend at a party where students were drinking. (Despite a police officer’s vouching for her being sober.) Wrong on so many levels, but why do I think this wouldn’t have happened to the captain of the football team?

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Happy Thanksgiving!

November 22, 2012

First of all, besides the usual family and friends stuff,   am very thankful to anyone who reads this blog. Whether it’s regularly or whether you stumbled upon it looking for a joke,  you all are the reason I write.  And I hope I brighten your day.

I also really appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment, whether it’s positive or negative, or to add a line I wish I’d written.
But today is time for a special thanks also to all those who make these jokes possible.

This year,  in no particular order, special thanks to the Chicago Cubs,  the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox (especially departed manager Bobby Valentine), the Los Angeles Dodgers (especially their trade with the Red Sox),  and the Miami Marlins.

Thanks to Jamie Moyer too, who alas probably has retired for good. But he was a great competitor, an excellent punchline, and from all I hear, an even better human being.  (Runs a foundation for children in distress.)

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Plus another serious thank you (okay, I get one)  to the San Francisco Giants.  For making us realize that the impossible sometimes is merely the unlikely.   And who somehow managed to win the World Series without being on the brink of elimination to the Detroit Tigers.

Thanks to the replacement refs, and to the NFL for maintaining for so long that there was no problem with them.  Thanks to the Philadelphia Eagles and the NY Jets for imploding so spectacularly.  And the Washington Redskins and Oakland Raiders for not being far behind.

Thanks to the NBA for the shortened season (can we do this every year), and to the Lakers for assuring that even at the beginning of the season we have some drama.

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Thanks to the BCS for being as screwed up as ever,  the NCAA for turning “student-athlete” into a perennial punchline, and the SEC for making the New York Yankees look humble.

Oh, yes, and thanks to the conferences whose inability to grasp the concept of math (10 is 14?) is equaled only by their utter fail at geography.  (San Diego State in the Big East?)

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Thanks to politicians on both sides of the aisle.  With the GOP primaries, they provided far more targets, not to mention the multiple personalities of Mitt Romney but the Dems always have Bill Clinton and Joe Biden.

And President Obama, for being someone we can blame EVERYONE on.  (If he thinks the punchlines are bad, wait until his second term, when the girls hit puberty while Michelle probably goes through menopause.)

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And finally, thanks to all the folks in this world, famous and not so famous,  who continue to act in absurd ways where often punchlines aren’t even necessary.

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Turkey eve.

November 21, 2012

Really? A recent study indicates that 70% of teens have concealed their online behavior from parents. Uh, don’t at least 70% of teens regularly conceal most things from parents?

 

 

So in future will proof of age be required to purchase a “Tickle Me Elmo?”

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Tacky alert: Two of this year’s new Sesame Street toys are “LOL Elmo” and “Let’s Rock! Elmo.” Will they now be known as “OMG Elmo” and “Let’s Get Your Rocks Off! Elmo?”

 

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A woman is recovering after being shot in the leg Tuesday night during an argument with another shopper in a supermarket near Los Angeles. Wow. Black Friday just starts earlier every year.

 

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:

AAA declares today the busiest traveling day; and, due to dealing with relatives, AA declares Thursday the busiest drinking day.

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ESPN got a 12 year contract for the new college football playoff starting after the 2014 season. So for fans tired of East Coast Bias, we can now look forward to East Coast + SEC Bias.

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Where do you go when you lose an election? Mitt Romney was seen with his grandchildren at Disney World yesterday. (Good for him. But I blame Obama.)

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The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick said after Monday’s game “I don’t want there to be a (QB) controversy.” And the Chicago Bears responded, “Well, heck, you could have taken care of that with a few interceptions.”

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So much for bipartisan anything. Here’s PETA to President Obama on his Thanksgiving pardon:. “Turkeys do not need to be ‘pardoned’-they are not guilty of anything other than being born into a world of prejudice. They are innocents who should be respected for who they are: good mothers, smart birds, and interesting animals.”

 

 

The Florida Marlins’ current 2013 opening day payroll?  $36 million.  To put that in perspective, that makes the Oakland A’s ($59 million) look like big spenders.

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For further perspective, A-Rod’s one year 2013 salary-  $30 million. Although A-Rod and the Marlins have something in common. Neither are relevant in October.

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For General Petraeus, it could be worse. In Vienna, a woman confessed in court to shooting, sawing up and freezing both her ex-husband and her lover, and then burying them under her store in 2008 and 2010, and then burying them in the basement.  (She was extradited from Italy for the trial after workers installing pipes found some body parts, and is currently pregnant by ANOTHER man.)

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T’is the season…

November 9, 2012

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a bit of a break between the election and holiday shopping season?

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Silver lining to stores increasingly planning to open on Thanksgiving: It means an excuse other than football not to talk to your relatives.

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So “The X Factor”, which purports to discover talent, is now co-hosted by Khloe Kardashian. Anyone but me find that kind of an oxymoron?

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Two rushing TD’s for Andrew Luck  Thursday night.   Who does he think he is? RG3?

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Meanwhile,  Joe Namath is the latest to publicly question why the NY Jets aren’t using Tim Tebow more often. And some Jets fans are so frustrated they’re thinking “Joe, I wanna kiss you.”

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In college football , Cal (3-7) is playing Oregon (9-0) in Berkeley this Saturday, The Ducks have outscored opponents 176-29 in the first quarter so far in 2012. So a simple tip for Bears fans who want to see a close game – get there early.

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A USC student football manager was suspended for deflating five game balls below regulation levels (which apparently makes them easier to throw) for last week’s USC-Oregon game. Insert USC ‘no real balls” joke here:

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Guess the media is still getting used to slower news days after the election. A CNN.com headline – “Thanksgiving planes likely to be full.” (Uh, can anyone remember a year when they weren’t?”)

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Today in Florida and Ohio, millions of residents discovered  they are actually HAPPY to turn on the television and see used-car commercials.

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USC coach Lane Kiffin now insists publicly that a student-manager who intentionally deflated footballs (to make them easier for Matt Barkley to throw) against Oregon, acted completely on his own. Wonder if Kiffin added privately “Wish I’d thought of that before we played Stanford.”

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NY Jets CB Antonio Cromartie guaranteed the Jets will be playing in the 2012 postseason. What, like he guaranteed the eight mothers of his children that he wouldn’t get them pregnant?

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Las Vegas casino owner Sheldon Adelson spent more than $54 million on losing races Tuesday, mostly on the Presidential election. Wonder how tight his slot machines will be this weekend to make up for it?

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From my friend Tom Dodd:  Wouldn’t it be much more efficient if the Presidential Election were simply staged in Ohio, which always seems to represent the final result anyway? It would save a lot of money and fuel, and the rest of the country could avoid the bombardment of campaign ads for that office.

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Are you ready for some shopping?

November 25, 2011

Thursday’s paper – 1/2 inch wide. Thursday’s ad inserts – 2 inches wide. So when are we going to officially change the name of Thanksgiving to “Black Friday Eve?”

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All these football games on Thanksgiving supposedly to honor our national sport. Sorry, actually they are the pre-game to the TRUE U.S. national sport — shopping.

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The Baltimore Ravens got to Alex Smith tonight NINE times. Yes, nine. That’s more sacks than most dedicated shoppers get at a Black Friday sale.

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So tonight’s answer for Jim Harbaugh to the question “Oh, brother where are thou?” “Watching my defense sack your quarterback.”

Ndamukong Suh said he didn’t mean to stomp on a Green Bay Packers’ lineman’s arm. What, was Suh aiming for his head?

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Jeno Paulucci, 93, died today. He originally founded Chun King, a brand that sold canned Chinese food. But Paulucci later established Jeno’s Inc, the first and biggest U.S. sellers of pizza rolls. All over the country, joints are being extinguished for a minute in his name.

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Black Friday brings to mind a sign seen in London last winter: “Buy more sh*t or we are all f*cked.”

(And seriously – over one in four jobs in the U.S. are in or closely associated with retail.)

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Former American Idol finalist Lauren Alaina forgot the words to the national anthem before the Packers-Lions today. On a brighter note, she was immediately offered a gig singing the anthem before campaign events for Rick Perry.

(My comic friend Michael Piccard says, “actually, she didn’t get offered the gig. Perry forgot to call.)

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One factor delaying Urban Meyer’s hiring at Ohio State may be the fact that the school, looking to recover from recent scandals, may be concerned about the 30 plus arrests during Meyer’s tenures at Florida. But in Urban’s defense, only about a dozen of those arrestsinvolved violent misdemeanors or felonies.

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What some politicians give thanks for on Thanksgiving: Rick Perry, that no one has asked him the three things he is most thankful for, Herman Cain, that no one had camera phones in the 90s, Newt Gingrich, that he only has to spend it with one of his wives. And Barack Obama, that these three are taking turns leading the GOP polls.

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The NBA players and owners are apparently trying again for a settlement to “save Christmas for their fans.” “How heartwarming,” said absolutely nobody.

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For sports fans who use holiday games as a respite from the craziness, it’s a darn shame they don’t play baseball in November. Because even in the late innings, comebacks are always a possibility. Whereas the Lions-Packers game at the end of the third quarter is OVER.

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Happy Thankful for Turkeys Day.

November 24, 2011

And on that subject, I think I can join comedy writers all over the world… If the Republican primary was being dominated by an intelligent, reasonable, likable man (like Jon Huntsman), well, we might all be better off in the long run. But it would be a more a boring world.

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Bad weather across the U.S. Wednesday meant that some travelers won’t make it to their families for Thanksgiving dinner. And at least a few of those travelers have already raised a glass somewhere to toast Mother Nature.

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Michele Bachmann’s spokesman said NBC did finally apologize for the song and said the band had been “severely reprimanded.” In related news, Fallon’s musicians were all made honorary members of the Stanford band.

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So, “Lying Ass B****” for Michele Bachmann?

Surely late night bands can come up with more ideas for other political figures.

For any member of Congress- “Fool on the hill.”

For Congress, the candidates and our President: “Promises, promises.”

For Arnold Schwarznegger, “Billie Jean.” Oh never mind, the child IS his son.

For Rick Perry after that New Hampshire speech “Everybody must get stoned.”

For Romney: “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” (You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.)

More to follow, or readers, please add in comments. Political – or for that matter, intro music for sports figures. (Some of those tomorrow for sure.)

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Meanwhile, Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was “not looking to put money in people’s pockets.” Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it.

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The Kansas City Chiefs signed Kyle Orton off waivers, and the Chicago Bears signed Josh McCown. That’s it, Brett Favre is officially “chopped liver.”

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Andrew Luck will apparently not play the “one more year of eligibility” card to affect the NFL draft As it has been reported the Stanford QB will not take classes next quarter. (Either that or Luck wants to see what it’s like to be an SEC quarterback.)

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A source told ESPN, that Urban Meyer has done some “soul-searching,” and is likely to accept the Ohio State coaching job. Angry Florida fans doubt the story, because at this point they doubt he has a soul to search.

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The NBA owners and players are talking again, with a new self-imposed deadline for Christmas games. Brings to mind that old Chicago song “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?”

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Another week, more allegations against, and more denials by, Jerry Sandusky. If this guy loses any more credibility he’ll be named an honorary member of Congress. (In the interest of not going directly to hell I won’t say “or of the Vatican.”)

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But here’s another rider on the bus to hell:

From Marc Ragovin “An assistant Principal at a Brooklyn high school has been suspended for viewing child pornography, or as its also called, Penn State game film.

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Finally in all seriousness, thanks to anyone reading this blog, even if you just stumbled upon it by accident today. You all are the reason I write. Janice Hough

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Does being QB mean never having to say you’re sorry?

November 25, 2010

 Three days after their much publicized postgame argument,  Vince Young apparently texted an apology to coach Jeff Fisher.

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The text apparently didn’t go over well.  But really, how could you doubt  the sincerity of “OMG, @TEOTD, MY BAD, TTYL.”

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Coach Fisher is also apparently not a fan of modern technology in general.  Although he gets the basics.  When asked about Young later his alleged response – he’s GTG.

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A third straight loss for the Heat tonight. Well, we certainly know what NBA fans outside Miami are thankful for this year.

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Tom Delay was convicted today of money laundering. So the former Speaker of the House may not have won “Dancing with the Stars, but the jury decided that he was definitely “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Sarah Palin’s latest target, Michelle Obama: “Take her anti-obesity thing that she is on. What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, in what (they) should eat.” Uh, Sarah, about that trust thing. Have you checked out the U.S. childhood obesity stats lately? It’s about 1 in 3.

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But okay, Sarah thinks Michelle should drop the anti-obesity campaign and stay out of other people’s personal business. I’m waiting for her to tell Bristol she needs to drop the abstinence campaign and to stay out of other people’s sex lives.

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from Gary Morton:

Paterno’s alma mater, Brown, played in the 1916 Rose Bowl. It’s not true that Joe started at QB for the Bears that day – freshmen weren’t eligible to play then.

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A couple travelers have decided to protest the new TSA rules by simply wearing Speedos to the airport. Let’s hope this doesn’t catch on. But if it does, I think I can speak for all Americans when I say, it’s a good thing John Madden only travels by bus.

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Sarah Palin supporters laugh off the little gaffe she made in a radio interview, confusing North Korea with South Korea. And sure, anyone can make a mistake. But can you imagine her in the Oval Office? Red button, green button, it’s all so confusing….

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Some NFL fans have been urging the league to drop the Detroit Lions, who haven’t had a winning season in ten years, from hosting a traditional Thanksgiving day game. On the other hand, keeping the tradition alive does guarantee that all Americans can at least see a holiday turkey.

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