Posted tagged ‘shutdown jokes’

Thank you note?

October 17, 2013

Now that the shutdown is over, wonder if President Obama will send a thank you note to John Boehner and Ted Cruz for reminding him where he put his cojones.

 

 

The government reopened today, and Michele Bachmann called it “a very sad day.”  Brave words from a woman who never had to give up a day of her paycheck.

 

Sarah Palin, not fazed by Steve Lonegan’s loss to Cory Booker, is suggesting the Tea Party should focus on 2014 Senate primary challenges to GOP incumbents in Kentucky, South Carolina, Tennessee and Mississippi. Great news…for Democrats.

A British company has come out with a line of “Live Strong” style colored silicon bracelets called “My Single Band.” The bracelets indicate that the wearer is unattached and looking for a relationship. Wonder how many married men will buy them.

Flori-duh strikes again. This would be funnier if it weren’t scary. Two murderers serving life sentences in a Florida prison were set accidentally set free earlier this month because of forged court documents. The Florida Dept of Law Enforcement just learned of this and a sheriff’s office spokesman said “”These two individuals are out. They shouldn’t be, and we want to get them back in custody.” Ya think?

Headline about Mitt and Ann Romney’s California vacation home “Romney to tear down house.” Wonder how many Americans saw that and thought “Could he do the same for the senate?”

 

Roseanne Roseannadanna was right…. Just when folks in Washington D.C. decided to act like adults…. BART workers have announced they plan to strike Friday.

Sometimes I think if President Obama said the sky is blue, some conservatives would argue it. But this line from his remarks today might set a record for bipartisan agreement “The American people are completely fed up with Washington.”

A Miami high school teacher was fired after she rented a penthouse apartment for a post-prom party that included alcohol and condoms. And across America men are thinking “Where were teachers like that when I was in high school.”

Thursday was #throwbackthursday Could we throwback #TedCruz to Canada?

 

The Oregon Ducks will wear pink helmets this weekend for their game against Washington State in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month. Good idea, should add a spark to their usually otherwise nondescript uniforms….

And for those who think the Ducks’ uniforms aren’t ugly enough, or for that matter the Red Sox playoff beards, I leave you with. the Dodgers’  Andre Eithier.

Image

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Playoffs and other stress tests.

October 16, 2013

Apparently after a routine stress test, doctors found that George W. Bush had a 95-percent blockage in one of his coronary arteries, which doctors opened with a stent. “Who needs a heart anyway?” responded Dick Cheney.

 

Fans who don’t regularly watch baseball and have turned in for the playoffs had to be looking at tonight’s Cardinals-Dodgers game and thinking “Wait, you’re allowed to score before you’ve played 5 or 6 innings?”

 

No one will know if Yasiel Puig woke up the St. Louis Cardinals. Besides, the idea that such a thing can happen during the postseason is a myth. Just ask the SF Giants who beat the same Cardinals during Jeffrey Leonard’s “One Flap Down” playoff series…. Oops, never mind.

(of course as my friend Michael says  “Cards are a lock. When’s the last time they blew a 3-1 series lead?)

 

Regarding Puig, I do seriously get the youthful exuberance.   But while baseball has ceded many things about being America’s pastime to football, I do hope they never try to match the NFL with all the dances and celebrations that have gone from following a game-winning touchdown, to the most trivial of tackles or catches.  As the much-ascribed line goes “act like you’ve been there before.”

 

Detroit twice had runners on third with less than two out, and failed to score today. The 2013 Tigers picked a bad day to turn into the 2013 SF Giants.

 

 

Class act: Dennis Eckersley on the 25th anniversary of the Kirk Gibson HR “It was a great moment for the game, just not a great moment for me. There’s so many great things that have happened to me since that time, if that’s the only thing I have to live with for the rest of my life, I’m cool with it.”

From Bill Littlejohn:  On the 25th anniversary of Kirk Gibson’s iconic World Series HR against the Athletics,  the Dodgers wanted him to throw out the first pitch at Tuesday’s playoff game-.  The D-Backs manager declined, but said that he would throw a couple of Dodgers into a swimming pool

Lights back on in Comerica Park after a 17 minute power outage. Waiting for the Baltimore Ravens to blame this on Roger Goodell.

 

The Senate is trying to resolve the shutdown and debt ceiling crisis created by the House. And if and when this is done, will Senate leaders Reid and McConnell also give House members a timeout?

Two days to default. And the Senate passed a “clean” funding bill two weeks ago. But somehow a House that can vote to overturn Obamacare 40 times can’t manage to vote on it once?

(Can’t we borrow the “Vote of No Confidence” rule from Britain just once?  And use it next week?)-

People complain Obamacare is confusing? As opposed to the current mess? Anthem says they pay 70% for non-participating providers, but actually pay closer to 20%, because they decided a California ob-gyn doctor should only charge $90 for a new patient comprehensive exam. Their response to a complaint: “The amount is determined according to the non-participating provider section in your Evidence Disclosure Form from March 1, 2013, on page 131….” #weneedsinglepayer

 

(regarding that page 131… wonder how many pages are in the form?)

 

Final, Final Last Chances…

October 15, 2013

Really? Email Monday from a vendor “Final Day to Shop Our Columbus Day Sale.” But presumably tomorrow is the “First day to shop the Halloween Sale”.

 

So while we’re on the football team name game… In these PC times is it only due to the fact that New Orleans’ team now is pretty good, that we haven’t heard a protest from the Catholic Church?

Idea for President Obama to get bipartisan agreement during a tough time in Washington, D.C.: Appointing Dan Snyder to some symbolic but meaningless position which would still require Snyder to sell the Redskins.

In Berkeley, Seattle, and other U.S. cites, Columbus Day is Indigenous Peoples’ Day. But no matter how P.C. this country gets, however, it will probably never spread national-wide. Especially since most Americans can’t spell “Indigenous.”

Harry Reid said Monday a deal was near to end the shutdown. Maybe someone told Ted Cruz to stay home because no one would be negotiating on Columbus Day?

 

Got to love announcers saying that an 0 2 hole in ALCS or NLCS would mean series was basically over. Guess it’s been so long in MLB  since a team climbed out of a two-game hole…

 

A backup dancer who dressed up as a teddy bear for Miley Cyrus’s MTV performance is now saying that being “on that stage, in that costume was one of the most degrading things I felt like I could ever do.” Uh, presumably less degrading than a costume where anyone could actually see her face and recognize her.

Arkansas AD director Jeff Long has been named the first chair of the College Football Playoff selection committee. Someone from the SEC, I’m shocked, shocked…..

 

Tried to buy red wine from United flight attendant. “Sorry, we only have white.”. Okay, then,  fine. Pay the man and he hands me a chilled mini-bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Scientists have found traces of a chemical similar to methamphetamine in Craze, a pre-workout sports supplement. Wonder if the company claims the product was originally designed by a high school teacher?

 

Greg Schiano, coach of the 0-5 Tampa Bay Bucs “The only thing I can say to the fans is, if they can hang in there, we’re going to be good.” Not sure if he’s right, but Schiano has just been named an honorary Chicago Cub

 

Macy’s will open some stores this Thanksgiving at 8pm. The bad news, this will keep many Americans from spending time with their families. The good news, this will keep many Americans from spending time with their families.

A Massachusetts High School senior volleyball player lost her captain’s title and was suspended five games after she drove to pick up a drunk friend at a party where students were drinking. (Despite a police officer’s vouching for her being sober.) Wrong on so many levels, but why do I think this wouldn’t have happened to the captain of the football team?

Any given Sunday

October 13, 2013

saints saintssaintsIn New Orleans. Where they do love their football team….

saints

Although, up four points, 10 seconds left,  no timeouts for the Patriots….  Why not line up six men on the goal line, five at the five, and dare Brady and company to break through?  Just sayin’

At this point finding replacement name for the Washington Redskins will have to be some inanimate object. Because the team is playing in a way that would be an insult to any real or mythical creature.

The baseball Gods do not apparently approve of pulling a dominant starting pitcher who has thrown only 108 pitches #Redsox #Tigers

Things fell apart for the Tigers so fast Sunday night, Giants fans had to wonder, did Leyland give Scherzer the game ball?

Though if the Red Sox been shut out again would Bud Selig have declared a moratorium on post-season PED testing?

Marc Ragovin “I guess you can say that the Red Sox won game two of the ALCS by the hair of their chinny chin chins.”

‘-

The #Jets look to be joining the #Yankees, #Mets and #Giants in a campaign to give NY sports fans a choice: Hockey or basketball?

GM Brian Cashman denied reports he would prefer to have A-Rod suspended than have the Yankees pay him $24 million last year. And he said it with a straight face.

A Teapartier today at the so-called “Million Vet March” demanded that President Obama “leave town, put the Quran down, get up off his knees, and figuratively come out with his hands up.” Charming. Wonder why the same guy isn’t demanding that Ted Cruz go back to Canada.

Rand Paul said that President Obama should not be using scare tactics about raising the federal debt ceiling. Right, add “the U.S. paying bills on time” to the list of commie pinko liberal concepts.

I think I’m beginning to understand the narrative: When President Obama compromises with the GOP, he’s a spineless wimp.  When he stands his ground, he’s an arrogant wanna-be dictator.

Only unhappy football fans in Denver Sunday night. Anyone who bet the 28 point spread. #Jagssuckbutnotthatmuch

SF Giants fans are happy the team didn’t make the rumored trade of Javier Lopez to Detroit. Tigers fans tonight, not so much.

Not so high hopes?

October 10, 2013

Talk about a culture of diminished expectations. The Dow rose over 300 points today over a GOP proposal for a temporary debt ceiling raise, which would keep the government shut down. It’s like dropping the insurance rates on a wild teenage party, because one or two adults might have shown up.

So wonder if the #OaklandAthletics have invited the #DetroitTigers to jump in their stadium sewage?

The rumors of Justin Verlander’s pitching demise have been greatly exaggerated.

As Sonny Gray took the mound for Oakland tonight, A’s fans were thinking “Madison Bumgarner.” Tigers fans were thinking “Salomon Torres.”

Big money ball thought of the day: You could add the payrolls of the Detroit Tigers and Oakland As together, and still be about $30 million less than the LA Dodgers…

Wild times in Provo. Apparently Coke Zero, which is forbidden along with other caffeinated beverages at Mormon-owned BYU, was accidentally stocked in a campus vending machine, and according to the Salt Lake Tribune “immediately caused a run on the machine.” Just imagine the profit potential for smuggling Starbucks….

SF 49ers’ LB Aldon Smith was charged with 3 felony counts of illegal possession of an assault weapon yesterday. The guns in question are legal in some states, but not California. Considering the variation in state laws, free agency rules, and some players’ mindsets, you’d think Florida and Arizona would have better football teams….

From T.C.  “In honor of QB Matt Schaub, A Houston pizza joint has a item called “Pick 6″ toppings. It’s pickup only as the owner figures deliveries could be intercepted.”

The service academies will be able to continue playing football and other sports through the end of October, despite the government shutdown. Well, with our country’s priorities so in order, sounds like things will be resolved by Nov 1.

Actor James Woods told a Twitter follower “‘I don’t expect to work again” after he criticized President-Obama over the government shutdown. Responded most Americans “Who’s James Woods?”

The Democrats and Republicans are often going to disagree. And laws will be passed in future that one or another party does not like. So to those who are cheering Boehner’s shutdown strategy, assume you have no problem with Democrats doing it in future when THEY strongly believe a law is dangerous to our country? #thenewnormal

A friend of a friend is against Obamacare because of the “tyranny of forcing people to buy something from a private company.” So what’s the next government shutdown going to be over? Car insurance?

The Jonas Brothers canceled their planned concert tour because of “a deep rift within the band.” And in a display of bipartisan unity, both GOP and Democratic parents who had promised to take their pre-teens to the shows, said “Now, there’s a shutdown we can get behind.”

 

Saddest thing about a sad Glee episode, the disclaimer during the credits “The events and characters depicted in this motion picture are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events, is purely coincidental.” Tonight, wish that that were true. #Rememberingcory

What’s in a name?

October 9, 2013

Washington owner  Dan Snyder about the Redskins name “It isn’t just where we came from — it’s who we are.” “Who we are?” Well, guess “Sucky Football Team” doesn’t fit on a jersey.

In the SF Bay Area, BART unions are apparently ready to strike for a second time. Apparently trying to see if it’s possible to get even more unpopular than Congress.

This might be a more controversial post than the shutdown lines, but here goes:

When interviewed for local radio and asked for his NLDS prediction, Chipper Jones had predicted LA would beat Atlanta in 4 games.  So the entire Braves team boycotted his throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for game 1, and Chipper had to throw to the mascot. Sounds like Atlanta is just as classy as their fans’ Tomahawk Chop.

Back to the shutdown:

The House would need 217 votes to pass a CR (clean resolution) to end the government shutdown. Apparently as of today there are 219 “yes” votes. Math, another of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

Yahoo just changed their mail interface without any warning at all. Just who does Marissa Mayer think she is, the CEO of Facebook?

Congress’s approval rating is now at 5%. Wow. There are actually 5% of Americans who think they are doing a good job?

Who says Congress isn’t suffering along with the rest of the country? Sen. Ted Cruz told People magazine that his wife and two daughters couldn’t visit the National Zoo and museums last weekend. So they went apple-picking and visited Mount Vernon. Ah that American resilience during tough times….

12 people were stuck nearly 3 hours tonight at Universal Studios Orlando on a roller coaster that broke down. As opposed to the millions of people that are still stuck for days across the country with the roller coaster of the government shutdown..

Chris Christie has said he is against the GOP shutdown tactics. Makes sense, because since he thinks he’ll be elected President in 2016 he doesn’t want the Dems to try the same B.S. on him.

Cowboys defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin said that people should blame him, not Tony Romo, for the team’s loss to the Broncos. USC fans are shocked – a Kiffin taking responsibility for anything?

Travel agent face palm moment of the day, clients ask for several very deluxe rooms in a particular tropical resort area in late December. Warn them that this could be difficult because most such places sell out far in advance for Christmas. The response “That’s okay, we don’t celebrate Christmas…”

Washington coach Steve Sarkasian claimed that Stanford faked injuries to slow down the Huskies’ offense in last week’s game. Except that the two players who briefly left the game were Ben Gardner and Shayne Skov,  star seniors who are probable NFL draft choices. So if Cardinal coach David Shaw were to fake injuries, Sarkasian doesn’t think he’s smart enough to fake them with marginal players?

From Jim Barach  “Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has opened up about her struggle with anorexia in high school. Fans of the show were shocked. Snooki went to high school?

So many questions?

October 8, 2013

Definition of a “non-essential government worker.” Anyone whose job doesn’t immediately and directly benefit me.

A jealous Saudi husband divorced his wife after she posted a snap of her kissing an Arabian filly’s face. Was he jealous of his wife or the horse?

A 21 year-old Texas high school teacher is under fire because it’s been discovered that she posed for Playboy as an 18 year-old college student. So far she’s keeping her job. And requests from fathers for parent-teacher conferences have probably jumped 1000%.

Detroit Lions center Dominic Raiola apologized to Wisconsin’s marching band today for his “inappropriate” comments made to them before last Sunday’s game. Hmm, usually when you hear “apologized” “marching band” and “inappropriate” in the same sentence, the Stanford band is involved.

John Boehner: “I didn’t come here to shut down the government. And I certainly didn’t come here to default on our debt.” (But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once?)

A new poll says that the GOP could lose the House over backlash from the current shutdown. But maybe Boehner has a plan for that too – shutdown the voting booths?

Nike unveiled new Pro Bowl uniforms today, changing their colors from blue and red to orange and yellow. Sure, that will do it. The reason the game has been so unwatchable has been the color scheme….

Two bases-loaded, nobody out situations today in the MLB playoffs… without a score. Somewhere Rod Beck and Harry Houdini are smiling.

Wonder if the #Rays put a few sharks in their stingray pool  tonight to keep the #RedSox out of it?

The 9 year old boy who sneaked onto the Delta flight apparently has previously sneaked into water parks, had gotten at least one free meal at a restaurant, and once stole a car. Wonder how many start-up companies want to hire him.

Should we be that shocked that a child was able to sneak his way onto the plane, apparently by boarding with a family with a number of boarding passes…. Gate agents often seem to have no interest in counting carry-on bags, we expect them to count kids?

 

From T.C.   “Cowboys owner Jerry Jones called his teams loss to the Broncos a moral victory. Translation: they beat the spread and I made a shitload of money.”

Stay classy, Arizona. Your move, Florida: State Rep. Brenda Barton (R. Payson) on FB: “Someone is paying the National Park Service thugs overtime for their efforts to carry out the order of De Fuhrer… where are our Constitutional Sheriffs who can revoke the Park Service Rangers authority to arrest??? Do we have any Sheriffs with a pair?”

Mark Sanchez had season-ending surgery today, and said “I’m very disappointed that I can’t be out there to help my team on the field.” Many NY Jets fans are thinking that he’s doing a great job of helping his team by staying OFF the field.

Cleveland Browns executive Jon Sandusky, son of former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky, was arrested today for alleged DUI. Maybe he wanted to spend some quality time with his dad?

When asked by a reporter’s today about a vote on a “clean” continuing resolution – to reopen the government with no strings attached – in order to end the shutdown. Boehner walked away humming “Doo, doo, doo.” I think one less “doo” would have about described the Speaker’s strategy.

Amazing. Listening to those on the right, sometimes Obama is an arrogant authoritarian socialist President using his unfettered power to destroy our country. Other times he is completely bumbling and ineffectual, unable to accomplish anything. It’s so confusing.