Posted tagged ‘Manny Ramirez jokes’

Twinkie time?

June 23, 2013

Hostess has announced they will have Twinkies back on the store shelves July 15. Good news for fans who stockpiled the snack cakes last year: old Twinkies probably only have about 99 years of shelf life left.

Manny Ramirez wants to return to MLB and rumors have linked him with the Yankees. Probably won’t happen but a few weeks of Manny being Manny might make NY fans actually miss A-Rod.

Joe Theismann’s “Super Beta Prostate” TMI commercial – “Even when I first started broadcasting, I’d be hit with sudden urges to go… I no longer have to go so frequently and I usually sleep through the night…” Who knew there might be something harder to watch featuring Theismann than his infamous leg injury.

Paula Deen’s fans are apparently furious over Food Network’s firing her over racial slurs, with nasty comments of their own on the Network’s FB page. Including things like “We all use the n-word.” Well, this ought to help Southerners with that stereotype of being racist rednecks.

This Serena Williams / Maria Sharapova catfight has gotten pretty nasty. Even Tiger and Sergio are saying “Just shut up and play.”

The more I hear about Edward Snowden, who really seems to be relishing the limelight, the more I think even people who agree with what he did have might also agree with T.S. Eliot: “The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason.”

It will be a sad day when Nelson Mandela leaves us, but come on folks: These media stories saying things like a team of seven doctors “is doing everything possible to get his condition to improve” He is 94, he has been frail and unable to appear in public in years. Let the poor man be….

A five year old girl has died in New Orleans after she apparently accidentally shot herself in the head. If only the poor child had been armed. Wait, never mind.

Thanks to a rain delay the East Coast now gets to enjoy #ESPN Monday Morning Baseball.

Okay, I’m impressed. After a rain delay, its Sunday night, the 6th inning of a June game inter-league St. Louis Cardinals-Texas Rangers game, so neither a big rivalry nor the playoffs, and it’s midnight. And the Busch Stadium stands are packed.

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From Moneyball to Mannyball.

February 21, 2012

Yes, it’s true, Manny Ramirez has signed a minor league with the As?!! Stay tuned for “Mannyball.” Wonder if this will be a comedy or a tragedy? Or both?

With Manny Ramirez back in baseball with the A’s, are some sports fans going from Linsanity to Manny-ic Depression?

Fox pundit Liz Trotta has followed her incendiary comments about rape in the military with this – “Women are not as strong as men. Their instincts and reactions in crisis are markedly different.” Clearly this is a woman who has never been to a Black Friday sale.

Albert Pujols arrived at spring training today. His new teammates were thrilled to see him in an Angels uniform. Almost as happy as National League pitchers.

Anthony Federico, the former ESPN writer fired for his “Chink in the Armor” Jeremy Lin headline, told the NY Daily News that it was a mistake, “This had nothing to do with me being cute or punny.” If that’s true, forget racist, he (and his editor) might be too stupid to work at ESPN.

With all the controversy about Jeremy Lin and anti-Asian jokes, I shudder to think what would happen if some Jewish kid became an NBA star. Fortunately that’s not likely to happen.

On the other hand, Cal’s Jorge Gutierrez, from Mexico, is a possible NBA draft pick. If that happens, or, if he has a great March tournament…Gentlemen, start your sensitivity training. (And run all headlines through an awake editor.)

Indiana House member Bob Morris is opposing a resolution celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts because he believes it is a “radicalized organization.” He said he found allegations on the internet that they are tactical arm of Planned Parenthood, allow transgender females to join and encourage sex. Even Rick Santorum is thinking, this guy is nuts.

A new Canadian study found that facial plastic surgery made people look an average of seven years younger. If true, this would mean Joan Rivers looked about ten years old.

(or as my friend Kelly says, actually, it just means that Joan is really about a million years old.)

Mitt Romney’s Super PAC spent $14 million just in January 2012. Yeah, this ought to sharpen Mitt’s credentials as a self-proclaimed “budget hawk…..”

GOP candidates have jumped on gas prices as a way to attack President Obama. If they really wanted t do something about those prices though, heck, with the money their Super PACs are spending they could probably subsidize prices $1 a gallon for the whole country.

The cast of “Glee” will not be touring this summer. This news was very upsetting to millions of kids, teenagers and women. And about two men.

Shootout at the Hair Club for Men:

September 23, 2011

The Romney-Perry feud is growing. The subtitle of this GOP Primary may be “There ain’t enough hair gel in this town for the two of us.”

Two new polls apparently show former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman climbing into double digits in New Hampshire. Is that double digits in percentage terms, or in absolute numbers of voters?

Mitt Romney bashed Rick Perry tonight about allowing illegal immigrants to pay in-state tuition rates at the Texas universities. Many Texans agree with him – there’s no way such students should get such a break – unless they can run really fast while carrying (or chasing someone with) a football.

The audience at tonight’s GOP debate in Orlando jeered loudly when a videotaped question from a gay soldier was asked about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Wonder how many of those presumably straight people booing would volunteer to go to the Mideast to take the young man’s place?

You cannot make this “stuff” up dept: Quote from Mitt Romney today “We ought to provide help to the people who have been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that’s the middle class, It’s not those at the very low end; it’s certainly not those at the very high end. It’s for the great middle class — the 80 to 90 percent of us in this country.” As Tonto said “Who’s ‘we’, white man?”


Rough day for the market. Many stocks were falling faster than the Braves and Red Sox’s playoff hopes.

This item sent in by “ifollowsports.com’s Jon Rapoport: Carlos Beltran, overheard leaving the Giants team hotel in Los Angeles to meet with his agent Scott Boras “We’re meeting to figure out which team we will rob.”

Beltran’s joke would be funnier if it weren’t true. But that would presumably let the Giants out, because they have learned from their contract disaster with Zito. So besides Barry, they really aren’t on the hook to any aging, useless players. Well, except Aaron Rowand ($14 million) and Aubrey Huff ($11 million.) Okay, never mind.

This week many Americans changed their relationship status with Facebook to “It’s complicated.”

Manny Ramirez was told he cannot play winter ball in the Dominican Republic because he is on MLB’s inactive list for his most recent suspension. So Manny told ESPNdeportes that he will formally request reinstatement. Which means he is un-retiring and says he will be available for any MLB team. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre. (Or after the pregnancy hormone test, “Atta girl?”)

Meg Whitman has been named the latest CEO at HP. Counting interim CEO Cathie Lesjak, she will be the fourth CEO in a little over a year. Well, it’s tough, but Meg may have found a more dysfunctional operation to head than the state of California.

The NFL fined Chargers DT Antonio Garay $15,000 for his below-the-knee hit on QB Tom Brady last Sunday. $15,000?! To potentially knock a star player out for the season? Cheap at the price. If the NFL really wants to stop this they should suspend dirty hitters for as long as the player they hit ends up on the disabled list.

Giants baseball – a violation of the Geneva convention?

April 9, 2011

Okay, Giants’ fans expected torture.   But couldn’t we have waited until at least the second home game of the season?

 

(It wasn’t just Brian Wilson’s two-out, two strike blown safe.  Like for example 17 men left in on base, and without two double plays and a caught stealing, it would have been 20.

Due to a rain delay in San Diego, at midnight Pacific time, the Dodgers-Padres Friday night game is tied 2-2 going to the top of the the 7th.  Which has to have caused some really confusing situations – some visiting Dodger fans fans may have arrived for the beginning of the game, and left after the third inning.

 

The media reports are  that Manny Ramirez is retiring just because he got a second positive drug test that would have resulted in a 100 game suspension. Manny’s response -” Please, I prefer to think of it as an extended maternity leave.”

Actually Ramirez’s short term Tampa Bay Rays teammates bear him no ill-will. The team plans to throw him a combination farewell party and baby shower.

And on the field, Tampa Bay rallied with a five run ninth, to win their first game of the season, 9-7 over the Chicago White Sox.   Wow, you’d think a really heavy and big weight had been lifted out of their clubhouse.

And as an aside. Manny was hitting .059 (one for 17 )for the season at the time of his retirement. So much for the efficacy of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

 

Okay, here’s a thought to avoid potential shutdown dramas. Tie Congress’s salaries to getting a budget done on time, 30 days before the deadline. For every day they miss that goal, their salaries are docked about 3 percent, down to almost nothing as they approach the last minute. Just might motivate some of these ideologues.

Either that or make it like American Idol.  For every day after a certain deadline that Congress doesn’t get a budget done, America gets to vote and one congressperson gets sent home each day.

 

Former Arkansas governor, Mike Huckabee,  a devout Christian who is staunchy  pro-life/anti choice,  said Friday Republicans should abandon their crusades against National Public Radio and Planned Parenthood, and get a budget passed. You know it’s a strange time when the guy who believes humans coexisted with dinosaurs was the voice of reason for the Republican party.

 

 

Earlier Friday the Republicans and Democrats had agreed on everything to avert a shutdown except whether or not to give $300 million for Planned Parenthood. Now, personally, I’m pretty adverse to giving BILLIONS to Halliburton in no-bid contracts, but wouldn’t want to shut down the government over it.

 

Pitchers and catchers report, and then…

February 2, 2011

Manny Ramirez told a Florida reporter he is in “great shape” after working out extensively this off-season. I guess that means he’s lost all that pregnancy weight.

Ramirez also says he is really happy to be back in the American League and with the Rays for 2011. Over-under on when he gets unhappy and starts sulking? I’m guessing about early July?

(WordPress keeps all comments indefinitely so if any readers want to weigh in, can reference your pick on the day Manny starts whining, and give you bragging rights.)

Another question?  What will happen first, Manny starting to act like a   sulky child, or the Cubs being eliminated from playoff contention?

There’s been an ice storm in Texas this week, and temperatures are way below normal.  In fact, folks in Dallas haven’t seen anything this cold since the Cowboys’ offense.

So because of the weather in Dallas, the Green Bay Packers will be practicing indoors tomorrow. What is it with these wimpy teams who clearly aren’t used to the cold?

Mitt Romney says his wife thinks he should run for president. Makes sense, now that he’s retired and finished writing his book, she’s tired of having him around the house.

Apparently, Marc Mezvinksky, Chelsea Clinton’s new husband, is taking a few months off from his investment banker job to be a ski bum. Well, now that he’s married a President’s daughter, I guess Mezvinsky decided to spend his time doing something more socially responsible.

Regarding this Florida judge Vinson who says the entire Obama healthcare reform package is unconstitutional: So to avoid any conflict of interest I assume the 70 year old judge will give up his own lifetime government healthcare package, and look for private insurance to go along with his Medicare?

A new study says that having your team in the Super Bowl could be dangerous to your health, because your emotional response to the game could trigger a preexisting heart condition and lead to cardiac arrest. Which means that while painful, it’s at least healthier these days to be a 49ers or Raiders fan.

Rush Limbaugh is now wondering why “Pharoah Obama” didn’t see the problems in Egypt coming? With all due respect, Rush Limbaugh is a Ph**king idiot and a Phraud.

Headline? Giants avoid high anxiety with Lincecum.

November 7, 2009

Good news for San Francisco fans. Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum will apparently not be disciplined by Major League Baseball for his marijuana arrest.

He pled guilty to possession of drug paraphenalia, without admitted he actually used the pipe. Which actually makes sense, possession not proving use. The SF Giants lineup in 2009 all were given a full supply of bats.

And as to those who say he was driving impaired… Let’s see, he was doing 74 in a 60mph zone. If he were really stoned, he would have been driving 15 mph. With one hand in a bag of Doritos.


One thing you won’t probably hear in from Lincecum in an interview in future – “Put that in your pipe and smoke it.”


Presumably Lincecum will be a little more careful or at least discreet in future. Wonder if his mound music will be “Last Dance with Mary Jane.”


Today Manny Ramirez chose not to become a free agent and exercised his $20 million option with the Dodgers for 2010. As if that’s a surprise. Even the Yankees said “No thanks, we won’t waste the money.”


Paying Manny Ramirez $20 millions after a year where he missed 50 games with a drug suspension, and performed mediocrely during the rest of the season and the postseason…. That’s got to be the most irritating money Dodgers owner Frank McCourt will pay ever out…well, until his divorce settlement.


Republicans are criticizing President Obama’s decision not to attend the commemoration of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall in Germany. And Newt Gingrich went so far as to say, “Some consider it an outrage, I consider it a tragedy.”

As opposed to the outrage and tragedy Gringrich would have said it was to jet off to Europe for a ceremony while the healthcare debate rages on and unemployment topped 10 percent.


President Obama talked about his daughter Melia in a recent speech on education, and cited one of her test scores of 73. And George W. Bush called his father and said “When you were president why didn’t you ever brag about me like that?”

A South Korean woman finally passed the written exam for a driver’s license on her 950th time. And millions of people around the world had the same reaction, “please don’t let her move to my street.”


This last almost completely written by Marc Ragovin. Completely tacky. Wish I had first thought of the concept.

This World Series celebration did nothing to tone down A-Rod’s ego -now he really thinks of himself as a American hero. Especially since like Captain Sully, he finished the day in the Hudson.

Questions for Manny.

July 1, 2009

Manny Ramirez will face many questions from the media when he returns from his female fertility drug suspension on Friday. Which is okay, as Manny has a question for them too – “Does this uniform make me look fat?”

Okay, it’s their national sport, but even so, in a recent poll only 29 percent of Canadians correctly identified the Montreal Canadians as the last team from Canada to win the Stanley Cup.

But to be fair, Canadian schools really don’t teach much ancient history.


So let’s see, a rambling weepy confessional, way too much sexual detail, and an over-the-top romantic view of a part-time secret relationship. Are we sure Governor Sanford shouldn’t be tested for female fertility drugs?

Mark Sanford says his affair with “Maria” was not about sex, it was a “forbidden, tragic, love story.” Forget the West Wing, this Governor is thinking for “West Side Story.”


Regarding that “forbidden, tragic love story”, can we start referring to him as “Governor Zhivago?


The Red Sox blew a 10-1 lead Tuesday night and lost to the Orioles 11-10. Boston hasn’t seen a sports-related collapse like that since John Kerry was photographed windsurfing.

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. On the bright side for Bernie, by the time he gets out, Brett Favre may have finally decided about retirement.

And okay, let’s hear it for the winners in the “Which gets decided first – the Minnesota Senate race, or the Vikings’ starting quarterback?” contest?