Posted tagged ‘marijuana jokes’

Roll tide?

December 7, 2017

Open note to the good people of Alabama. Hard for me to say this, but vote in Doug Jones & I will actually root for Nick Saban & Crimson Tide. Once anyway. #Priorities

Rafael Palmeiro, 53, says he is contemplating a return to MLB. Uh oh, nobody tell Jamie Moyer.

Roger Goodell has signed a $200 million contract to remain NFL commissioner. Yeah, that man really needs a tax cut.

Cowboys to debut new uniforms this weekend. Unfortunately for Dallas fans they will still have same old Cowboys in them.

Former gymnasts & their parents pushing for maximum sentence for ex-Team USA doctor Larry Nassar. And indeed it’s a risk. If he ever gets out of prison he could run for office as a Republican.

If San Antonio Spurs could just add one good player, they could be a great team this year. @kawhileonard @Spurs

Pfizer is introducing a generic Viagra for “only” about $32 a pill. That’s still a stiff price.

GOP House just approved bill to allow gun owners to carry concealed weapons across state lines. But we’re still out of luck with marijuana gummies.

So for safety reasons Nikki Haley indicates we might not send US athletes to #WinterOlympics2018 in Korea. Even more encouragement for Kim Jong Un to try his missiles to US mainland?

Maybe Russia and the US can have their own games, where all the medals go to Putin and Trump.

Think we could get bipartisan agreement on a special place in hell for those who run red lights at left turn and get stuck in intersection so people going straight can’t go on green.

Now it appears #RoyMoore was dating his wife while she was still married. Wonder how “Christian” bakers feel now about THAT wedding cake?

 

A Delta flight from JFK to Seattle, which is over 6 hours, had all toilets malfunction and had to make a bathroom break stop for passengers in Billings. At Spirit Airlines they’d have probably passed around paper cups for $5.

San Francisco central subway reportedly is falling further behind schedule. Construction started in 2011, supposed to open in 2018, city says 2019, and main contractor now estimates 2021.
If we’re doing a pool, dibs on 2025.
If Senator Franken steps down tomorrow to do the “right thing” can he also call on GOP colleagues and President to do the same?
 –

While we move forward against sexual predators in politics, remember, past allegations matter. But can we focus on those currently in office? JFK & Ted are dead, Bill & H.W aren’t running again….

WH said Trump slurred words at end of speech today because he had “a dry throat.” Right. And Hillary wasn’t healthy enough to be President. #sarcasm

Trevor Noah on The Daily Show reminds us Donald Trump is very sensitive about his appearance & so we should absolutely not tweet or post things about  #DentureDonald

 

One of worst things about all sexual harassment stories coming out is that no matter who you are, someone you’ve admired will be or has been caught. Beginning to think men have real self-control issues.

Democrats calling for resignation of one of their most popular Senators. GOP putting more $$$ into campaign of man who wasn’t fit to serve BEFORE sexual allegations. Still think there’s no difference between parties?

Advertisements

Rolling, rolling, rolling.

June 29, 2016

Following on the NBA championship of the Cavs, the Indians have won 12 games in a row. For those who think Cleveland’s just piling on, don’t worry, the Browns’ pre-season starts soon.

The NCAA has a new rule that all bowl-eligible teams with 6-6 records must be chosen for a bowl before any teams with a 5-7 record are offered the games.
With all due respect, isn’t a bowl game for a .500 team the football equivalent of a participation trophy?

The NFL Players Association doesn’t want the active players named in the Al-Jazeera PED report interviewed by the league, but Peyton Manning apparently will cooperate. So long as the interview is sponsored by Papa John’s and Budweiser.

 

Michael Phelps tonight won the 200-meter butterfly and became the first U.S. male swimmer to qualify for five Olympics. Whereupon he celebrated by yelling “You punks get out of my pool.”

2015 Seahawks backup QB Tarvaris Jackson was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after a woman in Florida accused him of threatening her with a gun last week. Now, newly signed backup QB Trevone Boykin has been charged with assault causing bodily injury after an Dec 31 incident with a police officer at a bar before the Alamo Bowl.
Who’s next for Seattle? Johnny Manziel is available.

Johnny Manziel says he is going sober on July 1. For the troubled QB’s sake, I hope he’s right. But hard not to quote Inigo Montoya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means”

The Miss Teen USA pageant says they are dropping the swimsuit portion of their competition, replacing it with an athletic wear competition. For all men who only tuned in for the swimsuits, three words “tight yoga pants.

The California “Adult Use of Marijuana Act” is officially on this November’s ballot. Well, it’s high time.

‪#‎HeterosexualPrideDay‬. Really? Just go to a lot of frat houses, where every day is ‪#‎HetrerosexualPrideDay‬.

 

Regarding that story of Christy Sheats, the Texas mom and gun-rights advocate who fatally shot her daughters, reports are now that police had been called out 14 times since 2012 to their home, calls involving Christy’s having a “mental crisis.”
And she was still allowed to have guns? ‪#‎wellplayedNRA‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Surprisingly little media attention to Istanbul only a day after the attacks. Must not have been any Americans killed. Sigh.

I miss President Obama already: “Now somebody else who has never shown any regard for workers, who has never fought on behalf of social justice issues, they don’t suddenly become a populist because they say something controversial in order to win votes. That’s not the measure of populism. That’s nativism or xenophobia or worse. Or it’s just cynicism.”

A new Quinnipiac University poll says Donald Trump has the support of 1% of black voters. That many?

 

Round one.

April 16, 2016

Most worried ‪#‎Warriors‬ fans after the first day of the postseason.  Those who finally scored playoff tickets, and they’re for game 5 at Oracle.

 

Since ‪#‎Raptors‬ are now 0-8 in ‪#‎NBA‬ playoff openers, wouldn’t it be more efficient & save wear on players just to forfeit game 1 next time?

 

If you didn’t recognize ‪#‎DodgerStadium‬ you’d know the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬ game is in Los Angeles. All those empty seats behind home plate.

Right about now the ‪#‎Jazz‬ must be SO disappointed they missed the playoffs and a chance to take on the ‪#‎Warriors‬. ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and the ‪#‎Raptors‬ losing in game one of the ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬

Hard to believe it was not much more than a year ago that many ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans were crushed when ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬ left to sign with ‪#‎RedSox‬

Lakers head coach Byron Scott said that he “absolutely” expects that he will not be fired for next season. Translation, Los Angeles isn’t sure they can get anyone else to take on their mess.

Ohio State held their Spring football game today, 100,189 people showed up. Guess there must not be a lot to do in Columbus on a weekend.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook made $7.91 million last year, up from $1.69 million in 2014. But it’s okay, executive compensation, unlike the pay of minimum wage employees, doesn’t affect the price of hamburgers….

Okay this is just piling on, as if Americans are jealous enough of Canada already: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3543380/Not-just-pretty-face-Justin-Trudeau-stuns-room-reporters-scientists-perfect-answer-quantum-computing-question.html

 

Snow in Denver has cancelled 70% of flights and also postponed Saturday’s annual “420” marijuana festival. Well, most attendees probably weren’t going to show up until at least Sunday anyway. ‪#‎Dudewhensmyfestival‬?

 

A Muslim woman wearing a hijab was apparently kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight after she asked to change from a middle seat to an aisle because she was uncomfortable sitting between two men for religious reasons. Two responses – 1. Southwest probably over-reacted. 2. Not a bad idea. Especially when you’re a woman in a middle seat the men take the arm rests too.

 

 

If Bernie Sanders wants to attack Hillary Clinton for paid speeches that is his right.. But, not as if Bernie has been turning down the big bucks – from Ethics.senate.gov: “Anyone earning a Senate rate of pay at or above $123,175 may not earn more than $27,495 from all combined outside sources, including campaign work.”

 

So while we’re all ragging on Hillary Clinton for accepting Wall Street money, and yes, we need campaign finance reform, just wondering, who paid for Bernie Sanders’ private jet to meet the Pope in Rome?

Ted Cruz had a clean sweep of GOP delegates in Wyoming, all 14 of them. 14? Isn’t that about as many voters as there are in the state?

·

In Philadelphia, a 4-year-old girl was fatally shot by her 5-year-old brother with their father’s gun. If only the girl had been armed.

How sweet it is.

April 3, 2016

Two of the sweetest words in the English language – “Play Ball!”. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬

 

Trump now says that John Kasich shouldn’t be allowed to run because he can’t win. Well, heck, the Cubs have been allowed to play baseball for the last century.

 

Cardinals and Pirates opened up the MLB season today at PNC Park. Where the morning temperature was 33 degrees. Brrr… That’s almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

Enjoyed the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, but anyone but me thinks interleague play on ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ sucks?

PNC Park in Pittsburgh will be selling a new all-beef hot dog with Cracker Jack, macaroni and cheese, salted caramel sauce and fried jalapenos, on naan bread. The first ballpark food designed specifically to be sold to people who lose a bet?

Stephen Schwartz, who composed “Wicked” and other Broadway hits, has banned his shows being produced in North Carolina because of the new anti-LGBT law, and wants others to join him. But really, can you actually put on a Broadway show without the LGBT community?

Last night soccer star Abby Wambach was arrested for DUI in Oregon. Who says women athletes will never be the equals of men? Sigh.

(But to give Wambach credit,  she posted about it on FB today with a full apology and no excuses…. that is not equal to many male athletes.)

 

Thon Baker, 19, a 7-ft tall basketball star from the Sudan, who graduated high school in Canada, has announced he will enter the NBA draft. What a shame, Baker could be missing some of the best months of his life in college.

Marijuana advocates had a massive joint smoking rally outside the White House yesterday calling for legalization. Why stop there? Make pot smoking mandatory for Congress. ‪#‎maybethentheycouldallgetalong‬

The Golden State Warriors trailed after the first quarter against the Portland Trail Blazers, but then  went on 6-0 run at end of 2nd quarter to lead by 7 at the half.  And pulled away to win by 25. Worried Golden State fans were beginning to think team was mortal.

The D.C. Madam’s lawyer says that her client records are online and could be released in 72 hours. As if this election wasn’t enough fun already?

Oklahoma lost by 44 yesterday to Villanova. On a brighter note for Buddy Hield, at least he got a little practice in how games might be next year if he is drafted by the Lakers.

Donald Trump now says the current laws on abortion should remain unchanged. Give the Donald credit, most politicians take years to cover every side of an issue, he’s done it in less than a week.

Pass the brownies?

March 21, 2016

By a 6-2 vote, the Supreme Court today rejected a conservative challenge to Colorado’s marijuana legalization laws. Well, guess they don’t call it the High Court for nothing.

 

Go figure, the ‪#‎Spurs‬ can stop ‪#‎StephenCurry‬ and they can’t stop ‪#‎JeremyLin‬? ‪#‎Hornets‬

Dwight Howard, who has been warned along with the Rockets team about being caught with a sticky substance on his hand, said “I think that it’s getting overblown, like I’m doing something crazy. But again, I’ve never been a cheater.”
A cheater no, a baby, yes.

#‎Patriots‬ owner Robert Kraft apparently wrote NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking for the #1 draft pick back that the team lost in the ‪#‎Deflategate‬ scandal. Meanwhile the ‪#‎Saints‬ wrote Goodell, they want 2012 back.

The SF 49ers and Santa Clara are haggling over 2016 rent, which was supposed to be $24.5 million; the team wants to pay $20 million. Well, of course, and aren’t most landlords in the SF Bay Area lowering rents in this economy?

(my friend Rich De Give asks “Doesn’t the lease state the 49ers are supposed to field a professional football team?”)

A new Park Slope, Brooklyn, $1-3 million condo development is going to offer a stroller valet service to residents. And we wonder why some of the rest of the world hates us?

Heard a radio ad for Whole Foods today, “America’s Healthiest Grocery Store.” Well if for no other reason than you can’t afford to buy enough food to make you fat.

A Texas man who was arrested for having sex on a Las Vegas Ferris wheel with a woman he just met has been fatally shot in a carjacking in Houston. Now, the guy had gone to Vegas to get married, but told police he had fought with his fiance, who was pregnant with another man’s child. They had reconciled, and she was with him when he was killed.
You REALLY cannot make this stuff up. ‪#‎madefortvmovie‬?

Sad news from Toronto that ex-mayor Rob Ford is now in palliative care. Hard to believe that there was a time not that long ago that Ford held the title “most outrageous politician in North America.”

Ted Cruz, saying that it’s a “sad day” with the President visiting Cuba. “Until Obama, siding with the oppressed had always been America’s aspiration.”
Right, as billions of people in Latin America, Africa, Asia and the Mideast can attest. ‪#‎SMH‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Donald Trump, trying to be a kindler, gentler, candidate “I like John, he’s a nice guy, I like Ted, he’s a nice guy.” Ted Cruz a nice guy? That’s it. Now we KNOW the Donald is insane.

Elizabeth Warren is engaged in a Twitter war with Donald Trump. One of today’s latest salvos from Warren “@RealDonaldTrump knows he’s a loser. His insecurities are on parade: petty bullying, attacks on women, cheap racism, flagrant narcissism.”
Pass the popcorn, this could be fun.

John Kasich “There is a below-zero chance that I would serve as V.P. to one of the other candidates.” So he is saying there’s a chance?

Bernie Sanders’ latest fundraising email of the morning. “Tomorrow night is YUGE.” Wait, I thought the GOP was the party with the spelling problem.

 

 

Watching ‪#‎DWTS‬ for the first time ever because of ‪#‎DougFlutie‬. Well, it makes me less ashamed to be American than watching some of those ‪#‎GOP‬ debates.

#‎DougFlutie‬ and ‪#‎MarlaMaples‬ on ‪#‎DTWS‬: Talk about from the sublime to the ridiculous.

 

Marla Maples appearing in ‪#‎DWTS‬ – Dancing With The Stars. As opposed to her ex-, who regularly appears in ‪#‎DTWT‬ – Dancing With The Truth

We don’t need no stinking bats

January 21, 2016

Increasingly looking like the designated hitter will be a done deal in the 2017 season in the NL. Well, there’s talk of the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ renegotiating Bumgarner’s contract – wonder if besides a nice raise ‪#‎Madbum‬ will insist that HE can DH?

So one of the reason MLB may be moving to a universal DH is the threat of injury to their star pitchers who don’t handle a bat well. Well, if that’s the rationale, why not add DRs – designated runners for stars who don’t move that well? ‪#‎wherewillitend‬? ‪#‎notrealbaseball‬

Increasingly difficult for a comedy writer today to ‪#‎Trump‬ reality. Satire is ‪#‎Palin‬ by comparison.

Former UConn and Portland Trail Blazers basketball player Cliff Robinson is opening a recreational marijuana dispensary in Oregon, saying there’s a “mis-perception that athletes and cannabis are incompatible.” Okay, “illegal”? Maybe. “Incompatible? – Not to anyone who’s been paying attention.’

Herman Cain says he gets callers all the time who say “I am black, I’m female and I’m going from Democrat to Trump.” If true, maybe someone needs to send Cain a link to an Urban Dictionary – the page referring to “catfish.”

Louisana consistently ranks as the state with the worst health in the nation. Now with new Governor John Bel Edwards accepting the ACA, the state health dept expects almost 450,000 patients to be added to Medicaid, including 300,000 previously uninsured. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

In New Jersey, the assembly passed a bill last June with almost unanimous bipartisan support to prevent anyone convicted of gang activity, making terror threats or carjacking from buying or owning a gun in the state. This week, Chris Christie vetoed it.
And the formerly pro-gun control Governor expects us to believe he can stand up to our enemies? He can’t even stand up to the NRA.

The Oscars boycott list grows, now Will Smith says he will not attend and Mark Ruffalo is thinking about it. If this keeps up they might actually get the show finished this year in under four hours.

Wow. Bizjournals.com reports this from United Airlines’ Vice Chairman Jim Compton “We’ve come to recognize that completion factor — getting people from point A to B — is the most important metric.”
What was their first clue?

 

Eric Garcetti, L.A.’s mayor, said in talking about the Rams, that he would love to see the Chargers stay in San Diego, and the Raiders stay in Oakland. Translation, either Garcetti cares more about traffic than football, or he just might have ambitions for statewide office.

 

 

TSA said they found 2,653 guns last year at US airports, up 20% over last year, and more than 82% were loaded. Scary. What might be scarier is the possible number they didn’t find.

Girls just wanna have fun?

August 30, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner is interested in dating a man to help her feel like a “normal woman.” Have news for her, in the Kardashian-Jenner clan, there are no normal women.

So will all those in the GOP trying to defund Planned Parenthood also sign a waiver that in case of illness they refuse to be treated with any vaccines or medicines that have come about as a result of fetal tissue research?

Josh Duggar will now apparently spend six months in a Christian rehab treatment program. Because that worked so well when he was a teenager?

“Butt dial” has been added to the OED. Some of us are old enough to remember that phrase might just have been an awkward synonym for “booty call.”

Chris Christie today said we can curb illegal immigration by tracking anyone who enters the country from the time they receive their visa, like a FedEx package.
Spoken like someone who’s never tried to track a lost FedEx package.

In Chatham, NJ, Jets center Nick Mangold quickly called 911 when he Iheard his car alarm and saw his garage door open. Police were able to get there in time to apprehend suspects thought to be responsible for almost 50 burglaries.
Posting this mostly because it’s nice to see an NFL player featured on the “good” side of an arrest story.

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had a love fest interview. Makes sense. Each of them probably thinks the other makes them look a little less crazy.

A California couple got married in Oregon and had a smoke tent at their wedding, where a “budtender” offered guests a choice of 13 kinds of marijuana. Wonder if the wedding cake was topped with Doritos?

Rowan County Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis has been refusing to issuing marriage licenses to gay couples and says she objects to same-sex marriage for religious reasons. Now she wants the U.S. Supreme Court to grant her “asylum for her conscience.”
So, okay, if she’s that religious about marriage presume Ms. Clark also refuses licenses to couples sharing the same address (living in sin), those who have been married before, and those won’t swear an oath attesting to virginity?

The Raiders waived safety Jonathan Dowling today, for what they say were “maturity issues.’ Over-under on how long until Dowling gets offered a contract by the Redskins?