Posted tagged ‘Final Four jokes’

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Dampening the celebration?

March 31, 2015

Oops. Virgin Atlantic’s inaugural flight from Manchester, England to Atlanta was set to receive a “water cannon salute” from airport firefighters as it departed. Except apparently someone pressed the wrong button and sprayed, not water but foam, which clogged the plane’s engines and grounded it overnight. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, airline division winner for the week.

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The NFL has fined the Atlanta Falcons $350,000 and take away the team’s fifth round draft pick in 2016 for illegally piping crowd noise into the Georgia Dome. And in Seattle they’re just giggling.

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Regarding that $350,000 fine that the Falcons got for piping in crowd noise, wouldn’t it have been cheaper for Atlanta just to have given free tickets to local frat boys?

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The German prosecutor on the Germanwings flight says now that medical records indicate the co-pilot had been suicidal in the past. Damn shame his therapist talked him out of it.

 

A woman gave birth in an Uber car Monday morning in Manhattan. Uber apparently had the car cleaned afterwards for the driver. But then they also gave him a pair of Knicks tickets. As if the poor guy hasn’t had enough trauma?

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Three #1 seeds and Michigan State in the Final Four. Means that those most likely to be winning their respective pools are generally risk adverse sports fans who happen to be from East Lansing.

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For the first time since 1996, Tiger Woods is not in golf’s 100 top ranked golfers. Standby for an ESPN special on “The Fall of Tiger.”

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Justin Bieber, in a USA Today interview – “My life is not easy” “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

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Aaron Hernandez’s fiancee today on the witness stand said she had “‘learned to compromise’ over his cheating because their relationship ‘was worth fighting for.” File this under “Maybe-maybe not smart woman, REALLY foolish choice.

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McDonald’s is apparently testing a plan to serve breakfast all day long. The experiment will start in San Diego. But really, wouldn’t Colorado be more appropriate?

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Stubhub is suing the Golden State Warriors, because the team is telling season ticket holders that they can only resell tickets online through Ticketmaster. Otherwise they could lose ticket rights and/or playoff tickets. The issue, how much the Warriors make in “scalping’ service fees. Awful, this billionaire on billionaire violence…..

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An interesting and positive sidelight perhaps of this Indiana law. Not so much who is condemning it, but in who is not supporting it. Usually with civil rights issues these days, there are a host of GOP leaders and Presidential wannabes screaming freedom and states’ rights. But from Palin, Jindal, Trump, Perry…. crickets.

(after I wrote this at first Cruz and Santorum and actually Jeb Bush came out in support of the law. So the clown car is loading up.  But not a word from Palin…. maybe Bristol made some friends on DWTS who she’s invited to the weddin.)

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Moving on from fraternities, now at the University of Mary Washington in Virginia, a college rugby team has been suspended indefinitely over an audio where the players can be heard chanting “Finally found a whore, she was right and dead…”

Okay, leaving the nasty nature of the words aside, shouldn’t any college student in the country now know that ANYTHING you say now 24-7 in a group of people can and will be recorded and held against you? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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From T.C.  “GB QB Aaron Rodgers was celebrating with the Final Four bound Wisconsin Badgers basketball team. When asked if he was looking to recruit a tight end with a basketball background like Gronk or Jimmy Graham, he replied, “No, I’m actually looking for someone that can recover an onside kick”.

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Room for one more?

March 29, 2015

Carly Fiorina said today there’s a ‘higher than 90 percent’ chance she’ll run for the GOP presidential nomination. And why not? Why should there be a “no girls allowed” sign on the clown car?

 

 

 

Carly Fiorina attacked Hillary Clinton Sunday saying that Clinton “doesn’t know what leadership means,” and that her “character is flawed.” And who better to opine on those two subjects than a woman whose leadership and character prompted HP’s board to pay her $20 million just to go away.

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Indiana Governor Pence said it was “not a mistake” to sign the “religious freedom” law. Have to think some other governors agree with him – particularly those who compete with Indiana for convention business.

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Passengers had to be rescued after the Coney Island Cyclone got stuck on its first ride of the year. And many New Yorkers are thinking that this spring rather than riding actual roller coasters they’ll just stick to watching the Mets

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Apparently some people are taking selfies in front of the New York East Village building that blew up last week, resulting in 25 injuries and probably two deaths. Which is shocking on two levels, perhaps less that folks are that insensitive, but more that they are stupid enough to post them publicly.

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Not only is there no Cinderella this year, Mike Krzyzewski, Tom Izzo, John Calipari and Bo Ryan probably can recite the answers, and the questions, from Final Four reporters by heart.

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These days Duke too has embraced the “one and done” philosophy. Which for many basketball fans just means they can now just hate individual Blue Devils for a shorter time.

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British Airways says some of their frequent-flyer accounts have been hacked. and some Executive Club members may not be able to use their miles until the airline resolves the issue. And perhaps until British Airways and others figure out how to add a “mileage security” fee.

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Alabama coach Nick Saban last year signed Jonathan Taylor, a 6’4″, 335 pound defensive lineman, who was dismissed from Georgia’s football team after an arrest for felony domestic violence. Saban said at the time “he was the kind of guy that deserved a second chance.” Now Taylor has been arrested again for domestic violence. I guess “the kind of guy that deserved a second chance” translates to “he’s a 6’4″ 335 lb defensive lineman.”

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One week until MLB opening night in Chicago. Where the temperature today was a high of 46 degrees and the low tonight is projected at 37. Heck, if baseball wanted it to be that cold for the first game maybe they could have asked the demolition crews at Candlestick Park to hold off a little longer.

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Why does ‪#‎religiousfreedom‬ so often mean “freedom for everyone to follow MY religion?

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Beyond madness.

April 7, 2014

 

So one team no one much cares about vs. one team most of America hates. Made sense to play NCAA final at A T & T stadium in “North Texas.” It’s the basketball equivalent of many Dallas Cowboys game.

 

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Of course, if the BCS had been in charge of March Madness, #7 UConn would have been playing in something like the Carquest or Poulan Weedeater Bowl.

 

 

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Reporters in #Kentucky locker room will be outnumbered by agents trying to sign up their #freshmen for #NBADraft #MarchMadness

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Go figure, Stanford women can’t beat #UConn in basketball, but as my friend David Lombardi points out, the Stanford men did.

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The senior pastor of Calvary Chapel Fort Lauderdale . Florida’s largest megachurch, has resigned after confessing to cheating on his wife. Clearly this is what comes of being too tolerant of heterosexual marriage.

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A politically connected friend in Florida says Jeb Bush has decided to run for President. If true this completes the bipartisan bridge to the 20th century.

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Delta Air Lines announced they will now give free eyeshades and earplugs to economy passengers on international flights, and on flights to Europe coach passengers will receive a full-size bottle of water following their meal service. Gosh. How much will Delta need to raise fares to pay for this?

 

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So FB says they will always be free. But how long until they do the airline version of “free” As in if you don’t want your wall crammed into a tighter and tighter column, you have to pay the equivalent of an economy plus surcharge? Just askin’

 

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Bizarre thought on the death of Mickey Rooney. Had she lived, Judy Garland would only be 91.

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Oscar Pistorius’s murder trial was adjourned Monday today during his testimony, after the accused track star told the judge he was exhausted and did not sleep the night before. “I feel so sorry for him,” said few men and no women.

 

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Rutgers AD Julie Hermann told a media ethics and law class in February that it would be “great” if the Star-Ledger, NJ’s largest newspaper, went out of business, adding “I’m going to do all I can to not give them a headline to keep them alive.” Uh, Ms. Hermann, you just did.

(Must say, Julie Hermann and Chris Christie might be a sparring match I’d pay to see.)

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Yep, Gary Bachman nails this one. “Phrases you won’t hear on cable news networks: FOX–“Good news for the President”; MSNBC–“Bad news for the President”; CNN–“In other news.””

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Timberwolves forward Dante Cunningham. arrested last week for alleged domestic violence towards his live-in girlfriend, was arrested again just three days later for sending her threatening messages that police said “rose to a terroristic level.’ If true, will the charges have an enhancement for criminal stupidity?

 

 

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If you haven’t seen the Aquinas college April Fool’s joke, this is two minutes well worth taking.  Who says today’s youth isn’t creative?

 

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College, we hardly knew ye

April 6, 2014

Anyone but me having problems with Kentucky players talking about how they really came together as a team during this intense four month bonding process?

 

Heck, there are celebrity mistake marriages that stay together longer than this Wildcats “team.”-

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Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari says he wants to replace “one and done” with “Succeed and Proceed.” Really? “Succeed and Proceed?” Some of his “one and dones” can’t even spell it.

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Maybe Calipari would do better to refer to his freshmen leaving for the NBA as a “conscious uncoupling?”

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It’s a dated joke but someone had to do it. The March Madness semi-final  Wisconsin Kentucky game hads more runs than a cheap pair of pantyhose.

(younger readers seeing “pantyhose,” it’s okay, you can Google it.)

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All these references to “North Texas.” Maybe it’s because those sitting in the upper levels of Cowboys stadium feel like they’re watching from the North Pole?

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Postgame chat with UConn’s star guard ends with “Shabazz Napier has helped his team get to a better place.” Because of course it’s the “Get to a better place, State Farm” sponsored interview. Can’t imagine, again, how these kids get the idea it’s all about money.

 

So with senior laden #Florida and #Wisconsin teams both losing #NCAA basketball’s status as 1 year NBA D-League is cemented.

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No alleged recruiting or other violations yet but John Calipari could be going for the permanent world record of vacated Final Four appearances.

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Yasiel Puig was in the Dodgers lineup Saturday, having made it to the park on time. I see a great potential endorsement deal ahead with Uber.

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The NBA has suspended Bucks center Larry Sanders, who is an advocate for marijuana legalization, five games for using pot. Wonder what Sanders can do with all that free time?

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The driver who put a Chicago subway train up an escalator at O’Hare airport has been fired. Well, this will simplify the answer to “Why did you leave your last job?”

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The Chinese say they have again detected a pulse in the search for MH 370. Well, that’s more than most folks do on an average day with Larry King.

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Isn’t it time that CNN replace the “Breaking News. The search for Flight 370” banner, with “The Latest Speculation. The search for 370”?

 

 

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From my friend Jim Barach.  “180,000 eggs were stolen from a truck in Florida. Police are now posting armed guards around the clock at the home of the Miami officer who recently arrested Justin Bieber.”

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Opening day, the sequel’s sequel.

March 31, 2014

MLB will have four separate #OpeningDay‘s this season. No doubt the work of one of Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committees.

 

 

It’s only Opening Day and the “weirdest baseball injury of the year” contest may be over: Angels hitting coach Don Baylor suffered a right ankle injury catching Vladimir Guerrero’s ceremonial first pitch.

 

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Upon hearing the Don Baylor story,  the SF Giants immediately forbade Jeremy Affeldt from catching any ceremonial first pitches.

 

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Apparently the new field at the Brewers’ Miller Park had to be grown under heat lamps imported from Europe, because the temperatures in Milwaukee this winter were too cold to grow grass even with the stadium roof closed. #Youwinmothernature

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MLB ticket prices are up 2% from last year. And the Chicago Cubs are third-highest, behind only the Red Sox and Yankees, with an average of $44.16 a ticket. But to be fair, Cubs management knows they can’t plan on extra revenue from the playoffs.

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Final score in Arlington, Philadelphia 14, Texas 10. The game presumably got good coverage on ESPN tonight as they might have thought it was a preseason football matchup.

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In Oakland, the A’s opener faced a potential rainout Monday night. “Rain, gosh, we feel so sorry for you.” said absolutely no one who’s lived through the last winter in the midwest or on the east coast.

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Mets fans booed NY Mayor Bill de Blasio when he threw out the first pitch on Opening Day. But Tuesday things return to normal, and they can just start booing the Mets.

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Get out the violins. Freshman Andrew Wiggins about decision not to stay at KU. “I just wish I had more time. It went by so fast.” What’s next, saying college was the best weeks of his life?

 

But really, what did Kansas do to “force’ him to leave?  Tell Wiggins he would have to go to class?

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A bonus for Kentucky going to the Final Four, their freshman players can call themselves student-athletes for a whole extra month.

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Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International was the world’s busiest airport in 2013, with 94 million passengers passing through. And that doesn’t count the people who are still looking for their gates.

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Apparently DeSean Jackson has interest from the Redskins and Bills and Raiders.  “I’ll take ‘teams that couldn’t fall any further” for $600, Alex.”

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Final two.

April 6, 2013

Now that #Michigan is in #NCAA championship, over-under on number of times we’ll see #ChrisWebber’s 1993 attempted timeout before Monday?

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If Louisville wins thinking Rick Pitino’s wife is about as likely to let him go out without her for a celebratory dinner as Kobe Bryant’s wife is to let him order room service.

 

(short version for those saying “what?” – Pitino,  married since 1976,  was involved in an 2009 extortion trial with a woman he admitted meeting in a Louisville restaurant in 2003 ,  and having sex with in the bathroom. He also admitted giving her $3000 for an abortion.  But that story somehow hasn’t made CBS’s weekend’s narrative..)

 

A 18-pound tortoise named Cashew who disappeared from a museum in Dubuque, Iowa, was found alive and in good health two days later in a building elevator. Officials believe the tortoise was stolen and then returned. Which would be easier to explain than her just having run away.

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A rate Honus Wagner baseball card just sold for $2.1 million. What’s crazier, the price for a single card, or the fact that these days $2.1 million might get you a mediocre middle reliever?

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A 22-year-old Oklahoma mom was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her 2-year old and 10-month old kids on Facebook. What kind of monster tries to sell little children? Teenagers, well, okay that makes sense.

(My friend Abbe Nelson says says you get better prices for kids on Ebay..  And Michael M. adds “More sad tales of the demise of newspapers. Once upon a time, it was very easy to sell small children through classifieds.”)

 

Is there a worse invention in college basketball than the possession arrow? Seriously. How hard is it to learn how to throw up a basketball for a jump ball?

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Free-agent DB Charles Woodson, 36, says no NFL teams have offered him a contract because they think he’s too old. Shame Woodson didn’t take up baseball instead of football. He’s almost old enough to be signed by the Yankees.

 

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Not a Rick Warren fan but very sad to hear his report his son shot himself: “Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.” Without a gun a “momentary wave of despair” might not have been fatal.

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CNN reports North Korea has told diplomats it cannot guarantee their safety if war breaks out but is encouraging tour groups to stay. Well, at least daredevils now have a scarier vacation option than a Carnival cruise.

 

Oops. The NY Post reports that Yankees fans who google “Yankees box office phone number” will find a number for a phone sex line. Well, some (male) fans may decide the new number provides more value for money.

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Santa Clara beat George Mason 80-77 for the College Basketball Invitational title. So do schools raise a CBI banner?

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There’s always a silver lining for someone.   Mike Rice and company at Rutgers at least have meant that Chris Christie and Snooki are off the hook  as the top New Jersey punchlines.

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John Lackey  exited his first start of the year with an arm injury. He had signed an $82 million, 5 year contract with the Red Sox in 2009. Who’d a thunk then that Barry Zito’s 7 year $126 million 2006 contract might look like the better deal?

 

Another thought on the whole Obama-Kamala Harris mountain of a molehill:   So where’s the outrage when someone suggests a male politician is good looking?

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We’re number one, and done.

April 3, 2012

Which was a bigger joke in tonight’s NCAA mens’s finals? Pretending anyone can actually see the basketball court from the upper seats at the Super Dome? Or pretending all these “one and done”s on Kentucky are really student-athletes?

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What’s wrong with college basketball? For starters, a team of mostly freshmen won the National Championship for Kentucky. And they won’t even be enrolled at the school long enough to watch them hang the banner.

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Anyone on a diet and need a good appetite suppressant? I give you Ann Romney’s response when asked if her husband is too stiff – “We better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

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President Obama at halftime talking about his daughters playing basketball. Apparently 10 year old Sasha is especially good. Let’s see, smart girl, genes for height and athleticism (uncle Craig Robinson played at Princeton.)…. wonder how long until Tara pays a recruiting call to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

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The European plane maker, Airbus is apparently studying the idea of building new planes with narrower window and middle seats, and wider aisle seats. These would be for larger passengers and those who just want more space. Standby for the “aisle” surcharge.

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Ryan Leaf, arrested for the second time in two days for allegedly stealing prescription pain pills. Waiting for Rush Limbaugh to weigh in on this one.

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Bill Clinton said he would be supportive if Hillary ran for President in 2016. Is anyone surprised? It would entail a lot of time on the road away from home…

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Matt Cain just signed a 6 year, $127 million contract. And the Yankees responded with the same sigh that a very wealthy man makes when the dealer tells them someone already bought the very expensive sports car they were eyeing.

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Some parents in an upscale Brooklyn, NY neighborhood want to ban ice cream trucks from a park because their children become so upset when they are told they can’t have a treat. (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/slopers_creamy_river_lcaxb1lj4D0SHqo4f2K3GO) And no, apparently this was not an April Fool’s joke…sigh.

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As we edge close to another opening day, a comment from Bill Littlejohn on the Texas Rangers’ 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: “It’s called The Kevorkian.”

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Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for hitting his former teammate Troy Tulowitzki in the left elbow with a pitch. While it looked pretty blatant, in Jiminez’s defense he hasn’t thrown many pitches where he’s wanted to all spring. (Of course another possibility is that he wanted to hit Tulowitzki in the head.)

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If you are reading this at work on Monday

April 2, 2012

You didn’t win the Mega Millions.

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A Kansas man bought lottery tickets Thursday and joked to an friend about having “a better chance of getting struck by lightning” than winning. Then he survived after being hit by lightning that same night. (And, no, he didn’t win the lottery.) Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

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Great year for Stanford women’s basketball. But against Baylor tonight they were .333 (20-60) on field goals, and .118 (2-17) on 3 pointers. Condoleeza Rice was in attendance… did she inspire the team to shoot like Dick Cheney?

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Congrats to Baylor’s Kim Mulkey for being named the AP women’s college basketball Coach of the Year. Her recipe for success – start with a 6’8″ center who can dunk.

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Congrats to the Notre Dame women, into the NCAA women’s championship game. But those lime green shirts their fans are wearing make Oregon football uniforms look good.

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After the University of Kentucky defeated rival Louisville, fans took to the streets in Lexington setting dozens of fires and flipping over at least one car. A police spokeswoman said nothing happened that wasn’t anticipated and that police were “very pleased.” Yikes, wonder what’s “anticipated” if the Wildcats win it all on Monday.

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Petrotrin, Trinidad’s state-owned petroleum company. announced it has discovered 48 million barrels of crude oil off the island’s southwest coast. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate calling for the invasion of Trinidad.

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John Calipari has another team into the NCAA championship. So the two big questions for the game. Will Kentucky steamroll Kansas or fall short? And if the Wildcats win, how long will it take the NCAA to talk about them vacating the title?

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Pundits are saying that Mitt Romney seems to be increasingly inevitable as the GOP presidential candidate. And most Republicans are as excited about that as they are about death and taxes.

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SF manager Bruce Bochy said Barry Zito won’t return to the Bay Area with the team, but will stay in Arizona for a few days in hopes he can tweak his delivery. Giants fans are thinking, that’s fine. Can he stay until, say June?

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie told Oprah last week that he would be “much more ready four years from now” to run for president. Sounds like Christie doesn’t think he’ll be running against a Republican incumbent.

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Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill” swept the Razzies this year, “winning” the worst award in all 10 categories. Is it too soon to bet on a similar sweep for “John Carter” in 2013?

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A security breach at Global Payments, a credit card payment processor for Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, was first reported potentially to have exposed 10 million card holders. Now the company says it believes less than 1.5 million credit card numbers were stolen. Well, then, we all should feel so much better now?

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Missed it by THAT much.

April 1, 2012

Unlike millions of Americans, Mitt Romney said yesterday he wasn’t going to buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. Guess Mitt decided he would hold out for a really big jackpot.

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The Azamara Quest is sailing slowly to Malaysia after repairs from an engine room fire that left the cruise ship temporarily disabled. Azamura Club Cruises says electricity has been restored, and all safety procedures were followed – including keeping the captain from falling into any lifeboats

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Mitt Romney says winning the upcoming Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. primaries Tuesday would be a “big statement.” But really, Romney’s problem hasn’t been the big statement, it’s been changing that statement a week later.

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“Octomom” Nadya Suleman has apparently gone back on her anti-welfare statements and is now receiving $2,000 a month in food assistance from the state of California. Wonder where all the conservative pro-life protesters backing her up are on this one.

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A new CNBC poll says more U.S. homes have Apple products than married couples or children. Of course, spending time with Apple products probably decreases the chances of both marriage and children.

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Much buzz about the fact that whoever bought the Mega Millions winning ticket near Baltimore only bought a single “Quick Pick” ticket. Well, at odds of 175,000,000 to one, the odds on one ticket weren’t significantly lower than one in ten.

(or at least as good as that as a Ron Paul donor’s odds of their candidate winning the GOP nomination.)

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Three of the four teams left in the men’s Final Four are within 200 miles of each other. (Louisville, UK, OSU) and the fourth, Kansas, is still in the Midwest. Which means the East Coast now gets to understand how most Americans feel about all those televised Red Sox Yankees games.

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Jeremy Lin will have knee surgery and probably miss the rest of the NBA season. He still probably spent more time on the court for the Knicks this year than most of the men playing basketball in the NCAA Final Four have spent in classes.

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At this point the only way the SF Giants may be able to get any value out of Barry Zito is to keep paying his salary and trade him to another NL West team.

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Jamie Moyer can become the oldest MLB pitcher with a victory if he wins his first start of the year for the Rockies April 7. Although the game is against the Astros, so would the accomplishment have an asterisk?

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Ann Coulter, trying to get Newt Gingrich out of the Presidential race, said “you can’t have two affairs and run for president.” Showing that her knowledge of history is as strong as her sense of civility.

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Two scoreless innings for Guillermo Mota Saturday. So has anyone asked Bruce Bochy if he’s considered starting Mota and putting Barry Zito in long relief?

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Not In Tournament.

March 28, 2012

The NIT men’s tournament final will feature Minnesota against Stanford. If Stanford, generally considered the most academically-oriented team in this years tournament wins, will they be known as the “NIT-Wits?”

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Newt Gingrich is laying off about 1/3 of his staff. And no doubt he will blame the resulting unemployment increase on Obama.

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Does the men’s basketball NIT trophy have an image on it of a big fish in a very small pond?

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When Mitt Romney remodels his California beach house, he plans to install a separate car elevator. Will the elevator have room for dog crates on the roof?

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On the Tonight Show Tuesday Mitt Romney referred to Chris Christie as “indomitable” Many skeptical GOP primary voters commented, “See, how do you expect us to support someone who uses all those fancy foreign words?”

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As we approach the Final Four, many outside the state may not realize just how much Louisville and U. Kentucky hate each other. In fact, there hasn’t been so much animosity in Kentucky since two brothers both wanted to marry their same sister.

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In Dubai, they now have an “emergency pizza button.” It’s an electronic fridge magnet that you press that uses your smart phone’s bluetooth connection to send your regular order to your regular pizza place. Uh, two things, one, wouldn’t programming the number into your phone be as effective and, two, this sounds so lazy are we sure it wasn’t invented by an American?

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Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons, has come out in support of the NFL’s penalties for the New Orleans Saints, saying “I think he (Goodell) dealt with it appropriately.” Translation, the Falcons didn’t have bounties, and if we did, the records have been expunged.

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The province of Ontario, Canada, just legalized brothels. In related news, a lot of free agent players just added the Raptors and Blue Jays to their lists.

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The International Volleyball Federation says it will allow women beach volleyball players to wear shorts and sleeved tops instead of bikinis at the London Olympics. That crashing sound you just heard was advertising rates based on potential viewership falling through the floor.

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Sarah Palin’s comment about Rick Santorum’s swearing at that (sic)”liberal, leftist, in-the-tank-for-Obama press character.” : “It was good, and it was strong, and it was about time.” As usual Sarah, class, nothing but class.

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Okay San Francisco Giants fans, a friend reports that Aaron Rowand is batting 6-45 (.133) for FLA. It’s still spring training but sounds like Rowand is already in midseason form.
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Frank McCourt has agreed to sell the Los Angeles Dodgers to a group led by Magic Johnson for $2 billion. McCourt bought the team for $430 million in 2004, so even after running the team into the ground, incurring debt, a messy divorce,,paying lawyers….the guy will make several hundred million dollars. And according to the GOP Presidential candidates, he still needs a tax cut.

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53 to 41.

April 5, 2011

Connecticut may be getting the congratulatory phone call from President Obama.   But the way Butler was shooting, they should be getting a call from Dick Cheney.

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Butler’s performance might have been the worst ever in a national championship game. Fortunately, UConn’s was only the second worst.

Good thing this final NCAA game started at about 930p Eastern time; impressionable children should not be have been watching.

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This could have been the first NCAA men’s basketball championship decided by penalty kicks.

 

In fact, at some points things got so bad sports fans were watching recorded World Cup highlights, just to see some scoring.

 

 

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After this game,  Butler coach Brad Stevens had to be thinking “I need a stiff drink.”    Too bad he’s not old enough to legally buy one.

Stanford women have to wish they played UConn or Butler men instead of Texas A & M last night…

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How bad was the show?  Kept expecting to watch James Franco take over the announcing.

Hard to believe after about a month of excitement and drama, that after tonight’s  UConn-Butler game, men’s college basketball will be done until next fall. But fans of amateur talent will still have the Cavaliers and the Wizards.

From Michael Duca,  “My son points out something the California Golden Bears can be proud of: they were one of only two football teams to hold the University of Oregon to fewer points than Butler scored tonight!”

Coach Shaka Smart has turned down a job offer from N.C. State and signed an eight-year contract to stay with the Rams. Well, if nothing else, based on results, VCU has a better basketball program..

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Back to baseball:    The  Baltimore Orioles are 4-0? So for right now that’s “O”s as in “OMG.

Well, maybe they’re not quite as up-to-the-minute as they think: Just heard this driving home on the radio – “Stay tuned to KNBR for all the latest Giants’ news from spring training.”

Some comments don’t even need a punchline. According to CNN, the owner of the Gulf of Mexico oil rig that exploded last year, killing 11 workers and leading to what has been called the worst oil spill ever, said Monday that calling 2010 its “best year” in safety “may have been insensitive.”

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Then there were two:

April 3, 2011

Monday night – Butler Bulldogs vs. Connecticut Huskies for the National Championship. Well, whichever side they choose, all sports fans can at least say they have a dog in this fight.

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Marc Ragovin’s take on the game “Huskies vs. Bulldogs, or as Michael Vick calls it, ‘winning.'”

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Headline basketball fans thought we’d never see: “Butler ends (anyone’s) Cinderella run.”

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After that 56-55 UConn – Kentucky game, a game punctuated by long scoring droughts on both sides,  looking forward to watching the women’s games tomorrow to see some teams who can actually shoot.

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Brad Stevens of Butler is unquestionably a great coach. But he looks like a grad student dressed up to interview as a math professor.

And even Buster Posey of the SF Giants says, “Stevens looks like he’s about 12.”

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Glenn Beck says Donald Trump is making him “uncomfortable” with some of the extreme things he is saying about President Obama. Isn’t being called too extreme by Glenn Beck like being called a “sleazeball” by John Edwards?

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A Florida man who said he was “tired of walking,” was arrested and charged with grand theft auto and marijuana possession. He was caught driving a Krispy Kreme truck with 388 boxes of doughnuts. The man denied the marijuana was his, but apparently the truck had started out with 500 boxes of doughnuts.

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No one was hurt in the incident where a Southwest flight made an emergency landing with a hole in the fuselage. But airline executives have thought better of running a commercial saying “Unlike our competitors, we don’t charge extra for an upgrade to a convertible.”

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The remains of two woolly mammoths have been found in a farm near Castroville. It’s an amazing discovery – the animals may date all the way back to the first Jerry Brown administration.

Jesse Ventura said Sarah Palin would be a good candidate for the GOP because she would “do what she was told,” and be “controlled by the status quo”.

Now, I’m not a particular Palin fan, but when i think of adjectives, “controllable” is not the first that comes to mind.

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After opening day.

April 2, 2011

Wonder if it’s a sign that Opening Day at Wrigley was April Fool’s Day.  Of course the real jokes is played every fall, when Cubs fans are told “Wait Until Next Year.”

Belated April Fool’s kudos to whoever drew up a Final Four bracket showing Butler and VCU in it. But maybe they should try to be a little more realistic next time?

The Chicago White Sox had a 14-0 lead, and hung on to beat the Indians 15-10 after Cleveland scored 10 runs in the last four innings. Happiest man in minor league baseball? The last relief pitcher cut by the White Sox out of spring training.

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Robert Redford actually threw out the first pitch at Wrigley. What many people don’t know is that Redford actually went to the University of Colorado in 1955 on a baseball scholarship. Wonder if he ever pitched against Jamie Moyer?

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Opening Day at Wrigley Field was yesterday! Wonder who threw out the first white flag?

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Nate Miles, the player whose recruitment helped get UConn on probation early this year, says now that coach Jim Calhoun knew about the improper benefits. With the Huskies playing Kentucky and John Calipari today, this could be a matchup between a coach who has had two teams who have vacated Final Fours and one who is about to have his first.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, as part of a broader package to reduce costs of Medicaid in Arizona, is proposing an annual $50 charge for patients who are obese. Which means her state may be the first where it’s easier to buy a gun than a Big Mac.

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Meghan McCain is unhappy about the upcoming movie “Game Change,” saying it will embarrass her family, especially her father.  Hard to think the movie could do a better job of that than John McCain did himself by picking Sarah Palin.

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Wizards’ rookie star John Wall will serve a one-game suspension for fighting tonight when Washington takes on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Kind of the basketball equivalent of OSU football coach Jim Tressell being suspended against Temple and Akron.

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T.C. comment on managers’ choosing their opening day pitchers.  I had the huge decision myself, “Coors, Bud Light, Michelob…

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Final six.

March 29, 2011

The Stanford women’s basketball team was shooting over 60 percent from the floor night late into the second half, and ended up with a .574 shooting percentage. If you were watching boys, this is how it’s done.

And the Stanford women turned out to be the very first #1 ranked team in their bracket, for men or women, to advance to the NCAA basketball final four.

But really this has  been a weird year. The last time things turned out so bizarrely for seeds, a beanstalk and giant were involved.

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Barry Bonds’ trial is getting tawdrier and tawdrier, now with testimony from his ex-mistress about Bonds’ sexual performance, and the changing shape of his “privates.” And we thought the Clinton impeachment trial with thongs and cigars was TMI.

Bonds’ defense team’s tried to discredit his former girlfriend’s testimony by asking how, if he was suffering from E.D., he could have these other mistresses she complained about?. And to think it was not that long ago that parents just worried about keeping their young sports fans away from the SI swimsuit issue.

Unfortunate timing for sportswriters and editors that the Bonds trial is going on at the same time that these “small ball” teams are in the NCAA Final Four.

The New York Knicks won their first game after six losses and are now 8-12 since they traded for Carmelo Anthony.   At this point the team’s motto has to be  “Thank heaven for the Miami Heat.”

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Carmelo Anthony said after the overtime win “We had the will to win.”   Knicks season ticketholders have to be thinking… okay and the rest of the season?

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Whole Foods has opened a dozen small bars, focused on local beer and wine, inside a dozen of their stores, and plans to open more. I guess the plan is, the more customers drink, the less they will notice how expensive the grocery prices are.

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With all the talk about VCU and Butler, many have forgotten that coach John Calipari could be setting a record of his own. If the NCAA discovers anything in future regarding rules violations at Kentucky, Calipari could be the first coach in history to forfeit Final Four appearances with three different teams.

Donald Trump now says that, “a lot of facts are emerging” that are making him question more seriously where Obama was born. “A lot of facts” translates to “Birthers apparently vote in the GOP primaries.”

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Shaka Can.

March 28, 2011

The media was sure treating today’s VCU-Kansas game as a foregone conclusion.  Am amazed no one referred to VCU as “sacrificial Rams.”

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Shaka Smart is a mixed race man, raised by his mother and given an African name by his father. Considering how upset some betters (and big school alums) must be it’s a good thing there’s no rule that the coach of a final four team needs to be born in the U.S.

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All these pundits who say VCU didn’t belong in the NCAA tournament may be right. Maybe the Rams should have been picked for the NBA playoffs?

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Rumor had it Kansas was trying to find out if Pat Summitt was available at halftime.

ESPN’s Dick Vitale said before the tournament “Look at Colorado’s résumé, look at UAB and look at VCU,  it’d be an M&Mer — a mismatch, man. It would be like a beauty contest — Roseanne Barr walking in versus Scarlett Johansson. No shot, none whatsoever.”

I hear Scarlett Johansson just showed up in a VCU jersey.

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You have to feel a bit for Butler. This will be their first tournament game as the “over-dog.”

Suddenly having one team left in the Final Four (Kentucky) doesn’t feel quite so stupid. (And I did have VCU over USC in the play-in game.)

Harry Wesley Coover Jr., known as the inventor of Super Glue, has died. He was 94. Funeral arrangements are pending, although instead of hymns the organist plans to play versions of “Together Forever”, “Can’t Let Go,” and “Stuck on You.”

Pepsi is coming out with a new bottle  made entirely from plant material. –  switch grass, pine bark and corn husks.  Sounds like consumers might be better off throwing out the contents and eating the bottle.

Newt Gingrich says “I am not a hypocrite,” in response to queries about how he could have condemned Clinton while having his own affairs. I think I even like Nixon’s “I am not a crook” better.

Thinking about Geraldine Ferraro and realizing there were parallets between the 1984 and 2008 Presidential elections. Two candidates losing in the polls went for a “Hail Mary” and picked a woman running mate. Although Walter Mondale at least picked one with brains.

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Happy Easter.

April 4, 2010

For many Americans, Easter is the holiest day on the calendar. Well, besides Opening Day.

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Congratulations to Butler. But how young is their coach Brad Stevens? He had to cut his post-game celebrations off early to get home to wait for the Easter Bunny.

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Butler won 52 to 50 despite going almost 11 minutes without a field goal. At one point many fans were checking to see if there was a hockey game on a different channel in hopes of seeing some actual scoring.
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Congrats also to the Cal women, who won the NIT women’s basketball title game 73-61 over Miami. So what do you yell when you win the NIT? “We’re number 65?!”

Groaner time…

It’s the time of year when many Americans, not only children, are dreaming of chocolate eggs and rabbits. And realizing, “you’re nobunny ’til somebunny loves you.”
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Okay, who thought this would happen simultaneously in our lifetimes? The President of the United States is black…and most of the players on the NCAA men’s basketball teams playing for the national championship are white.

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Apparently Callaway Golf will award a full set of its new Diablo Edge clubs to any player in major league baseball who hits a home run at least 470 feet. But what about those other players they couldn’t do it without – Pitchers. Shouldn’t they have a chance to win a prize for giving up such a home run? Barry Zito could end up with this own driving range.

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Actually, another interesting question about these prizes for home runs. How long before Calloway limits the prize to home runs NOT hit at Yankee Stadium?

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Rudy Giuliani is trying to pay back Governor Charlie Crist for not endorsing him in the Florida presidential primary, by endorsing Crist’s conservative opponent, Marco Rubio, in the Republican Senate primary. Well that ought to help Rubio with the Floridians who voted for Giuliani, both of them.

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From Bill Littlejohn, after Carrie Underwood, engaged to NHL player Mike Fisher, announced that the ring bearer will be her pet Chihuahua: “So who’s catering the wedding, Taco Bell?”

(and I have to wonder, what’s the title of the wedding video going to be? Legally Married Blonde? )

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Slouching towards opening day..

March 31, 2010

Barack Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals’ home opener against the Phillies on April 5. If he gets it over the plate the Nats may immediately sign him for the opening day roster.

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President Obama will throw out the first pitch for the Washington Nationals’ home opener on April 5. The Tea Party people are, however, staying away from this one. Not even the most hardened conservative could say with a straight face that government invention could make the Nats any worse.
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The New York Yankees have an ambidextrous pitcher, Pat Venditte, in camp, and he threw with both arms in a game against the Braves on Tuesday. So just how many times in an at-bat do he and a switch-hitter get to change their minds?

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Mayflower Madam” (and St. Mary’s in Moraga graduate) Kristin Davis says she is now running for Governor of New York. Davis, who formerly “supplied” Eliot Spitzer with women, says she wants to legalize and tax both marijuana and prostitution. Well, if she is elected, at least the state won’t have any surprise sex scandals.

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Secretary of state Ame Duncan said in a CNN interview that he is worried about some student athletes who are “simply used by by their universities to produce revenue.” The NCAA denied these allegations and reminded all fans to purchase their Final Four t-shirts online at NCAA.com

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Another reason we love Coach Tara VanDerveer: After the Stanford women won at the buzzer to get to the final four, a shot following two impossibly easy missed layups by Xavier, one of the players stated:. “That’s got to be divine intervention.” Tara’s response – “I believe God has better things to be doing,”

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Wonder why Ricky Martin chose this week to say he was gay? Maybe he figured the news would go unnoticed while people focused on the equally shocking new study that found Yankees players were the highest paid professional athletes.

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The Oakland Raiders are rumored to be trying to deal for Donovan McNabb, but the Eagles want a top draft pick. Shame Oakland can’t make the deal by giving Philadelphia one of their recent top draft picks.

(like Jamarcus Russell or Darrius Hayward-Bey.)

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As Jesse James becomes the latest celebrity husband to head into rehab, one question comes to mind. Will we ever see one of these guys decide they need help BEFORE they get caught by the tabloids?

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Larry Ellison is thinking of buying the Golden State Warriors, a team with consistently great attendance and consistently bad to mediocre results in the actual games. What, were the Cubs not available?

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And it’s Al Gore’s birthday today, March 31. Not to say Al’s getting up there, but Tipper is leaving the candles off his cake to help reduce global warming.

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Wholier than Now Foods?

March 29, 2010

Went into Whole Foods today to pick up one thing, and ended up with several items. And of course hadn’t brought a reusable bag. with me. Felt as out of place as a Prius owner with a McCain-Palin bumpersticker.

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And MAYBE it was just my imagination, but the look the checkers give you when you have to admit that you didn’t bring a bag with you… suffice it to say if they didn’t go to Jewish Mother guilt school, they took the correspondence course.

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Butler, West Virginia, Michigan State, Duke. At this point perfect final four brackets are scarcer than an African-American at a Tea Party rally.

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Watching the Blue Devils win to head back to the Final Four. Have to wonder…. where on Duke’s campus is that increasingly decrepit painting of Coach K. hidden?

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Giglish.com used this joke from a few months back as a “repeat joke” for Sunday, so I’ll repeat it here:

A 40 year old Ohio man has just achieved the first perfect score in the nearly thirty year history of the video game Pac-Man. His next challenge – going out on his first date.
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Love this line from Gloria Brantley-Reed: “Conversation is three women sitting together talking. Gossip is when one of them leaves.”

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Back to the Tea Party, and an open note to all activists. The original Boston Tea Party was about “taxation without representation” from Britain and the protesters’ right to be taxed only by representatives they had elected. Sorry folks, you may not like their decisions, but no foreign country elected congress.

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And finally, billionaire Steve Poizner is complaining about fellow billionaire Meg Whitman trying to buy the election because so far she is spending more millions than he is….

Brings to mind the story of the well-dressed man who approaches a lovely lady and asks if she will go to bed with him for $1,000,000? After she sizes him up, she finally says, $1 million, for real? Yes. I would do that.”

Then he asks “What about $50.” And she angrily retorts – “What kind of a woman do you think I am.”

And he replies “We’ve already settled that, now we’re just haggling price.”

Note to Poizner, on the subject of buying elections, you and Whitman are also just haggling price.

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