Posted tagged ‘Opening day jokes’

Beat LA

March 29, 2018

Just thinking that over-under on number of days SF Giants might be in first place in 2018 could have easily been zero.



Yeah without Madbum and Melancon everyone had SFGiants beating Kershaw and Dodgers on Opening Day.

So yeah, we all had first run given up by Clayton Kershaw in all of 2018 be a home run by Joe Panik….

Happy #OpeningDay Have the Marlins been eliminated yet?

Meanwhile, the Detroit Tigers postponed their Opening Day game. So they remain undefeated until Friday.

Who had Kevin Durant ejected twice more this year than Draymond Green?

RIP “Le Grand Orange,” Rusty Staub. The reason many Canadians fell in love with baseball. He really should have been Monsieur Expo.

A Los Angeles judge has ruled that coffee sold in California should have cancer warning labels.  Uh, if we’re talking about dangers, how about a warning that says talking to a coffee drinker before they’ve had their first morning cup might be suicidal?

So Laura Ingraham has attacked immigrants, gays, basketball players, etc.. Learning the hard way that you don’t go after white kids #Followthemoney

Bernie Sanders sent me a fundraising email including that we need to “energize the working families of this country to come out and vote for Democrats.”
Okay, Bernie, can you start by becoming a Democrat yourself?

If Trump has such a problem with Amazon using USPS for delivery at cheap rates, shouldn’t he quit whining and help the post office negotiate a better deal?

“Orders process and deliver within 10-14 business days via the United States Postal Service for delivery within the Domestic U.S. only. ” Amazon? Nope, the “official Donald J. Trump Store.”


Stormy Daniels’ lawyer says April 30 will be hearing to determine if Trump has to testify under oath. Hmm, so who will @realDonaldTrump fire over prior weekend?


James Mattis to John Bolton “I heard you’re actually the devil incarnate and I wanted to meet you.” Well, some do say Mattis is the smartest man left in White House.


First in war, first in peace….

April 3, 2017

Nationals are undefeated when Trump avoids the stadium. Coincidence?

So it was a rough ending to game one for Giants fans. But this morning’s MLB leaderboard still is one for the ages.



By Aug MLB players will be dinged up & desperate for a break. ESPN does Opening Day for six teams then gives them off day. Prioritie$

And of course Santiago Casilla gets the save for Oakland As tonight. Baseball is a funny game. Though SFGiants fans aren’t really laughing

Good news for Atlanta baseball fans, #Braves have a new stadium. Bad news, Braves have the same old players.

Trump’s obsession with Hillary is as if Cubs this spring were ranting about Indians supposedly stealing signs.


If @MLB was like the @EnglishPremier league the Padres would have been relegated to AAA a long time ago.

Refs tonight clearly spent as much time in officiating school as some former North Carolina players spent in class. #NationalChampionship


If fans really wanted to watch an hour of free throws they’d tune into last five minutes of an @NBA game.

The Wizards are upset that the Warriors, leading 137-115, tried to shoot a three with the clock running out. Now, was it great sportsmanship by Golden State, no, but Washington really should be more upset that they had gotten down 22 points.

Trump mantra for the first 100 days “If at first you don’t succeed, make something else up.”

Trump was golfing again today. But maybe we shouldn’t complain. Golfing is probably one of least dangerous things he does.

Just imagine if President Obama had constantly touted MSNBC as being more knowledgeable than FBI & US intelligence agencies.


The FAA has cleared Harrison Ford, 74, after he mistakenly landed a small plane on a taxiway at Orange County Airport, barely missing an American AIrlines 737, and he will be allowed to keep his pilot’s certificate.
So having flown the Millennium Falcon means never having to say “I’m sorry, take my keys?

Trump calls for $1.6 billion cuts to Interior Dept but donates $74k of salary to National Park Service. Next will he donate $100 to PBS?

Trump playbook. Make up a story, spread it around, then complain the media isn’t covering it. Lather rinse repeat. #wiretapping #SusanRice


Might be faster & simpler at this point to list the attractive women at Fox  News Bill O’Reilly hasn’t (allegedly) harassed.


April 4, 2016

Ah yes, March Madness, when the bracket you actually thought about had UNC to win it all, and you suddenly jump up to 92nd percentile on the bracket where you just picked cats. ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Wildcats‬

But come on, while CBS has the rights, the NCAA men’s championship game tonight was broadcast on… TBS? Sounds like the network is taking college basketball as seriously as the one-and-done players.

SF Giants’ flight to Milwaukee was delayed over six hours yesterday.  Hmm, maybe a little travel stress is better than batting practices for their hitters?

(12-3 win, with back-to-back-to-back home runs)

Happy ‪#‎SFGiants‬ Opening Day. It’s partly cloudy about 60 degrees with a high of 68 in SF today, it’s 32 degrees with snow flurries and a high of 40 in Milwaukee. So who drew up this schedule anyway?    #baseballshouldnotopenindoors

Meanwhile, the Yankees-Astros opening game in New York was postponed today due to weather. What a shame. Too bad neither of these teams plays in a warm weather area. Oops, never mind.

So with all these states talking about religious freedom, how long until some files a lawsuit demanding freedom FROM religion over “God Bless America” being played at so many MLB games?

Congrats to ‪#‎LosAngelesRams‬ for winning their 1st pre-season game today against ‪#‎SDChargers‬ 15-0. Oh wait, never mind. ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Padres‬


Even as a ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fan I must admit, when you give ‪#‎Kershaw‬ 15 runs he gives you a pretty good chance to win.

So both the Indians and Yankees home openers were postponed due to weather. Meaning a lot of fans in Cleveland and New York will be trying to explain how that 24 hour flu is lingering a bit longer.

The Oakland A’s Sonny Gray has been scratched for his opening night start due to food poisoning, this after he was hospitalized last year with salmonella. The A’s don’t just need a pitching coach, they need a food taster.

The Raiders have signed Aldon Smith, who is currently serving a 1-year suspension for substance abuse, and has five arrests since he joined the NFL in 2011 – “I think in his heart he’s a good young man” Raiders coach Jack Del Rio.”
Now, wishing Smith the best, but it’s amazing how your chances of being considered “a good young man” go up when you’re a star pass-rusher.

DE Greg Hardy was convicted of domestic violence in 2014, and pictures showed his ex-girlfriend with multiple bruises, but the case was overturned when the woman stopped cooperating with police. Now, Hardy said in an ESPN interview.”I’ve never put my hand on any women.” Even Bill Cosby is thinking this sounds disingenuous..

New airlines excuse for the day. JetBlue flight delayed last night from New York to SF….because they put the WRONG FUEL in the plane? So apparently they had to drain it and refuel. Your move, United.

In the 2016 Airline Quality Rating, Spirit Airlines led U.S. carriers in customer complaints. They might have had more, but given that it’s Spirit they probably charge passengers to complain.

The Huffington Post is reporting Charles Koch is confident Paul Ryan could be the GOP Presidential nominee if Trump doesn’t get enough delegates. Well, and I am sure the Donald and his supporters will take that gracefully. ‪#‎passthepopcorn‬


Electric automaker says they have had delayed deliveries of their Model S and X this quarter because of part shortages caused by “Tesla’s hubris.” Hmm, I thought the hubris was reserved for Tesla owners.

How sweet it is.

April 3, 2016

Two of the sweetest words in the English language – “Play Ball!”. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬


Trump now says that John Kasich shouldn’t be allowed to run because he can’t win. Well, heck, the Cubs have been allowed to play baseball for the last century.


Cardinals and Pirates opened up the MLB season today at PNC Park. Where the morning temperature was 33 degrees. Brrr… That’s almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.


Enjoyed the ‪#‎WorldSeries‬, but anyone but me thinks interleague play on ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ sucks?

PNC Park in Pittsburgh will be selling a new all-beef hot dog with Cracker Jack, macaroni and cheese, salted caramel sauce and fried jalapenos, on naan bread. The first ballpark food designed specifically to be sold to people who lose a bet?

Stephen Schwartz, who composed “Wicked” and other Broadway hits, has banned his shows being produced in North Carolina because of the new anti-LGBT law, and wants others to join him. But really, can you actually put on a Broadway show without the LGBT community?

Last night soccer star Abby Wambach was arrested for DUI in Oregon. Who says women athletes will never be the equals of men? Sigh.

(But to give Wambach credit,  she posted about it on FB today with a full apology and no excuses…. that is not equal to many male athletes.)


Thon Baker, 19, a 7-ft tall basketball star from the Sudan, who graduated high school in Canada, has announced he will enter the NBA draft. What a shame, Baker could be missing some of the best months of his life in college.

Marijuana advocates had a massive joint smoking rally outside the White House yesterday calling for legalization. Why stop there? Make pot smoking mandatory for Congress. ‪#‎maybethentheycouldallgetalong‬

The Golden State Warriors trailed after the first quarter against the Portland Trail Blazers, but then  went on 6-0 run at end of 2nd quarter to lead by 7 at the half.  And pulled away to win by 25. Worried Golden State fans were beginning to think team was mortal.

The D.C. Madam’s lawyer says that her client records are online and could be released in 72 hours. As if this election wasn’t enough fun already?

Oklahoma lost by 44 yesterday to Villanova. On a brighter note for Buddy Hield, at least he got a little practice in how games might be next year if he is drafted by the Lakers.

Donald Trump now says the current laws on abortion should remain unchanged. Give the Donald credit, most politicians take years to cover every side of an issue, he’s done it in less than a week.

A horse on a horse, of course, of course.

April 13, 2015

MLB: Colorado Rockies at San Francisco Giants

Of course, the way things went, the SF Giants might have had better luck scoring if they were playing polo.


Even though some may think that three World Series rings in five years is getting old, it’s important to remember. The Chicago Cubs won back-to-back World Championships in 1907-08. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎carpediem‬


Tom Brady bounced his opening day pitch at Fenway Park today. But to be fair, the Patriots don’t have a Marshawn Lynch equivalent Brady could have handed the ball to.


Maybe the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are having a hard time batting with all those rings on their fingers?

Meanwhile, the first Monday night baseball game of the season will feature the Yankees vs the Orioles. Guess those three nationally-televised games against the Red Sox didn’t give the Bronx Bombers enough exposure?

Barry Bonds has spoken up in support of A-Rod and says he doesn’t know why baseball and the Yankees aren’t celebrating his milestones. Now, I am NOT a fan of Alex Rodriguez, but baseball’s attitude to him is a bit like Dr. Frankenstein complaining about someone building a monster. ‪#‎chicksdigthelongball‬


Yeah, I know, “Anything can happen.” But does anyone really care who gets the 8th seed in the NBA Eastern conference?

Marco Rubio is the latest entrant into the 2015 Presidential race. Two candidates now from Florida. Better make that clown car a convertible.

An Alaska Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing to rescue an employee who got stuck in in the cargo hold (which was at least pressurized.) The airline has stated this incident was a complete aberration, and not a test to see how it might work in future to transport passengers on their lowest fares.

So apparently that Alaska Airlines employee who was trapped in the cargo hold fell asleep in there. Asleep?! Really?! United Airlines is now trying to figure out how many “comfortable bed” tickets they can sell in cargo.


Another headline today about 100 people sick on a cruise ship, this time the Celebrity Infinity, which holds over 2,000 passengers plus over 1,000 crew. So 100 out of about 3,000 people. That’s much better odds for avoiding vomiting etc than most people get on say, spring break.

From Bill Littlejohn,  Apparently Wisconsin basketball coach Bo Ryan caused quite a stir with his post-NCAA Tournament “rent-a-player” comment. Now the Oakland A’s are considering suing for trademark infringement.”





Opening Day- Closing night

April 6, 2015

On Opening Day at Yankee Stadium, A-Rod apparently got the loudest ovation of any player when he was introduced. Figures, most comics work nights and had the day off.

The NY Times reported today that Jeb Bush listed himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. So where is Donald Trump’s call for Jeb’s birth certificate?

Anyone but me think Mike Krzyzewski must have a really scary looking portrait in an attic somewhere? ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬ ‪#‎Duke‬


Two controversial calls down the stretch that both went the Blue Devils’ way should do wonders for Duke continuing to be universally loved across the country.

Bo Ryan, 67, would have become the oldest coach in NCAA tournament history to win his first national championship if Wisconsin won tonight. 67?! Makes Ryan about the average age of the San Antonio Spurs.

The Los Angeles Dodgers won 6-3 today, but Clayton Kershaw gave up 3 runs in 6 innings. That’s it, he’s clearly over the hill.

Pedroia and Ramirez on space for 324 home runs each. Pablo Sandoval on pace for 486 strikeouts. ‪#‎OpeningDay‬ ‪#‎Redsox‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So much for all those who thought Kentucky could beat an NBA team. Of course, they still might be able to beat the Lakers.

The Cubs went 0-13 with runners in scoring position and lost 3-0 on “opening night.” So how many of the Wrigley faithful are breaking out new “Wait until next year” t-shirts?

From my friend Scott Russell. “It is apropos that the Red Sox play Boston College in their exhibition opener and the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day.” Scott does not say whether he believes Boston College or the Phillies to have been tougher competition.

In most of Europe, Easter Monday is still a holiday. So why did we in the US fight for independence again?

The playoffs may be different, but for Sunday night, age and treachery still overcome youth and skill. ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎Warriors‬

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a father allegedly decided he was too drunk to drive, and got his 13-year-old son to take him on a beer run. Then dad got into an argument in the store and fired his gun eight times. (fortunately hitting no one.)  He was arrested by cops who were conducting a DWI checkpoint across the street.   Your move, Florida.

So in Missouri, a GOP lawmaker has proposed that a bill that would ban food stamps for being used to buy “cookies, chips, energy drinks, soft drinks, seafood or steak.” Yeah, because you’d hate to have them waste money on tunafish? ‪#‎dotheythinkbeforetheycomeupwiththeselaws‬?

Play ball, finally.

April 8, 2014

Opening Day in SF. The Giants shared the latest home opening day in baseball. If they had waited much longer, the Cubs would have already been eliminated.


#SFGiants are leading league in home runs and hitting with RISP (.393) And this is with one week of Barry Bonds as a hitting coach in spring training. Would Barry like to drop by regularly?

Meanwhile, three home runs Tuesday for Ryan Braun in Philadelphia. Does that mean we need to add cheesesteaks to the PED list?

And another great start for Tim Hudson, 38, in #SFGiants home opener. Best part, with a 135p start, he could shower in time to make it to the early bird dinner special.

Over 30 children and a teacher’s aide at a school in Colorado were treated by a hazmat crew for a “toxic irritant” that turned out to be habanero peppers. Out of habit the NRA issued a press release saying “When habaneros are outlawed, only outlaws will have habaneros.”

Really? SF Chronicle online headline. “37 sickened on cruise ship that visited S.F.” 37?! “37 out of the 3,161 people on the Crown Princess” had symptoms that could have been norovirus. Would think several times that many would have symptoms that could have been a hangover.

As Chick-fil-A expands, CEO Dan Cathy has backed away from public anti-gay marriage comments, saying “All of us become more wise as time goes by. We sincerely care about all people.” Or at least we care about their spending.

79,328 fans attended Monday night’s UConn Kentucky matchup, a new NCAA record. And about 9,328 could actually see the game.

UConn may have beaten Kentucky last night. But apparently Wildcat students do lead the Huskies in post-game riots arrests. 31 to 30 at last count….

Is it time to give UConn’s women’s basketball team a “Lifetime Achievement Award” and tell them to compete against D2 men? #nocontes

John Calipari denied rumors that he will coach the LA Lakers. Meaning probably that LA didn’t offer him enough money, and/or he is pretty sure Kentucky isn’t going on probation next season.

Oscar Pistorius’s trial was adjourned early when he broke down in tears while testifying. Maybe because the “Bladerunner” is realizing that even with a “culpable homicide” verdict, like U.S. manslaughter, he’s probably going to jail for a while?


Hillary Clinton today in SF – “The hard questions are not, ‘Do you want to be president? Can you win?’ The hard questions are, ‘Why? Why would you want to do this? And what could you offer that could make a difference?’ ” And Mitt Romney responded “Huh?”


From Marc Ragovin:   “Members fo the New York Police and Fire Departments engaged in a bench clearing brawl during a charity hockey game. Geez, you go to a charity event and it turns into a UC Santa Barbara Spring Break.”

New York dreaming?

April 1, 2014

Apparently Mets GM Sandy Alderson said he thought the team could win 90 games. Wonder if the reporter asked Alderson how many seasons he thought it would take?


Brian Wilson now the second Dodgers pitcher to the DL this season. Maybe LA players are buckling under the strain of carrying all that money?


Ryan Braun got a standing ovation at Miller Park in Milwaukee for his first game back from last year’s suspension. Would Brewers fans now also like to take back every “Ster-oids” chant they threw at Barry Bonds.

Now we know the season has really started. Jose Reyes is back on the DL. #OpeningDay #MLB

The black box on MH370 will only ping for about 5 more days. The CNN coverage, however, may last years.

Donald Trump said today he’s been contacted by a group who want to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, the Bills winning a Super Bowl is probably a better bet than Trump winning the Presidency.

A NY high school senior was accepted at all 8 Ivy League schools. If he could throw a football I’ll bet a few SEC schools would have accepted him too.

Tiger Woods has had back surgery and will miss the Masters. Can we expect hourly coverage during the tournament from ESPN about his recovery?

(My friend Steve says he can’t wait for the ESPN updates saying how far Woods is off the lead, even when he’s not playing.)


As an April Fool’s joke, Virgin America announced that each seat would have a personal thermostat. United Airlines thought of a similar joke saying they were putting comfortable seats in the coach cabin, but figured no one would believe them

The White House announced that Obamacare met the goal of 7 million signups. So FOX is no doubt scrapping their story on disappointing numbers in favor of one alleging faked numbers.

GM CEO Mary Barra said she was “deeply sorry” over the botched recall that led to 13 deaths and numerous injuries. She said the company had been operating under a “cost culture” before the 2009 bankruptcy, but that they are now operating under a “customer culture.” Either that or a “we-got-caught culture.”

DeSean Jackson apparently is close to signing with the Redskins. Maybe Washington just wants to make sure neither their name issue nor RGIII is the team’s biggest distraction next season.


A Michigan woman, who was forbidden from drinking at all as part of her probation from a 2012 DUI conviction, was arrested when a local cop saw her Facebook post bragging about beating a Breathalyzer after drinking on St. Patrick’s Day. Forget the probation violation, she deserved arrest for criminal stupidity

Not exactly P.C. here but today’s unfortunate name and job match is for the new coach of the University of Arkansas’s women’s basketball team – Jimmy Dykes.

And the bus to hell thought for the night from T.C.   “Don Baylor underwent surgery to repair his femur after his freaky injury while catching Vladimir Guerrero’s first pitch.  Might be last time the Angels in the locker room tell each other to “break a leg.”

Opening day, the sequel’s sequel.

March 31, 2014

MLB will have four separate #OpeningDay‘s this season. No doubt the work of one of Bud Selig’s “Blue Ribbon” committees.



It’s only Opening Day and the “weirdest baseball injury of the year” contest may be over: Angels hitting coach Don Baylor suffered a right ankle injury catching Vladimir Guerrero’s ceremonial first pitch.


Upon hearing the Don Baylor story,  the SF Giants immediately forbade Jeremy Affeldt from catching any ceremonial first pitches.



Apparently the new field at the Brewers’ Miller Park had to be grown under heat lamps imported from Europe, because the temperatures in Milwaukee this winter were too cold to grow grass even with the stadium roof closed. #Youwinmothernature

MLB ticket prices are up 2% from last year. And the Chicago Cubs are third-highest, behind only the Red Sox and Yankees, with an average of $44.16 a ticket. But to be fair, Cubs management knows they can’t plan on extra revenue from the playoffs.

Final score in Arlington, Philadelphia 14, Texas 10. The game presumably got good coverage on ESPN tonight as they might have thought it was a preseason football matchup.

In Oakland, the A’s opener faced a potential rainout Monday night. “Rain, gosh, we feel so sorry for you.” said absolutely no one who’s lived through the last winter in the midwest or on the east coast.

Mets fans booed NY Mayor Bill de Blasio when he threw out the first pitch on Opening Day. But Tuesday things return to normal, and they can just start booing the Mets.

Get out the violins. Freshman Andrew Wiggins about decision not to stay at KU. “I just wish I had more time. It went by so fast.” What’s next, saying college was the best weeks of his life?


But really, what did Kansas do to “force’ him to leave?  Tell Wiggins he would have to go to class?

A bonus for Kentucky going to the Final Four, their freshman players can call themselves student-athletes for a whole extra month.

Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson International was the world’s busiest airport in 2013, with 94 million passengers passing through. And that doesn’t count the people who are still looking for their gates.

Apparently DeSean Jackson has interest from the Redskins and Bills and Raiders.  “I’ll take ‘teams that couldn’t fall any further” for $600, Alex.”

Opening day, and night, and twilight….

March 30, 2014

So the Dodgers have already played 2 regular season games in Australia, and now got the ESPN Opening Sunday night game? What, did the Yankees turn MLB down?


So Brian Wilson came in with a 1-0 lead in the 8th, and gave up 3 runs in a 3-1 Dodgers loss to the San Diego Padres. Welcome to Torture, Los Angeles.

In an article to be published in “Management Science,” researchers found that umpires were 16% more likely to call a ball a strike for a five-time All Star than for a pitcher who had never been in the All-Star game. And the the bias “was even stronger when the pitcher had a reputation for precise control” (like Greg Maddux.) Baseball fans are looking for the accompanying article saying water is wet.


Jeopardy is turning 50 this week. What is “What is that question I can’t remember” for $600. Alex?

That profanity-accompanied sound you heard at #ESPN and in the #WhiteHouse is a lot of shredding brackets.#UConn #MarchMadness


So wonder how long it will take FOX to claim that President Obama’s picking MSU to win it all was the reason the Spartans lost in the Elite Eight?

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill, 19, has been suspended indefinitely following his arrest for public intoxication. Maybe when Aggie fans told Hill he could be the next Johnny Football, they should have been more specific.

There were riots last night in Tucson after the University of Arizona’s men’s basketball team lost in the Elite 8. Scary to imagine what would have happened if the Wildcats had actually won it all.


The GOP is claiming that the last minute rush to meet the Obamacare deadline March 31 is a sign of the weakness of the legislation. Of course had it been President Romney in charge the Republican narrative would have been about setting limits to motivate people.

In Washington, a sign of the apocalypse? “Wizards can clinch playoff spot tonight. #IblameObama


Cal basketball coach Mike Montgomery may be retiring. Wonder if Stanford’s trip to the Sweet 16 scuttled any hopes he might have had of returning to coach the Cardinal next year?



So it begins, Chris Christie has apologized to Sheldon Adelson for a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition in which he recalled an Israel trip where he took “a helicopter ride from the occupied territories….”


Now the CNN headline is “Most Promising Leads” detected for MH370. Whether or not they find the plane, someone at the network can write a book someday. “1,000 ways to say nothing.”

Opening Bench Day?

March 29, 2014

The LA Dodgers just placed Clayton Kershaw on the 15-day disabled list. with back issues. Up in SF, sympathetic Giants fans are thinking “Bummer, but don’t rush the poor guy, let him take at least a few months off to recover.”


The most exciting two minutes in sports may be the Kentucky Derby. But the longest two minutes in sports must be the fourth quarter of an NCAA March Madness game.

Florida Gators are surprisingly articulate in post-game interviews. Though to be fair, by college basketball standards they are mostly old men of 20-21.

Indicted Ravens RB Ray Rice has married his fiance. Let’s hope this wasn’t so she couldn’t testify against him.

(Alex Kaseberg says he heard the reception was a knockout.)

#AJMcCarron and #KatherineWebb are engaged. Has Brent Musberger already put in a request to cover the wedding?


Apparently some “influential” Republicans are working to draft Jeb Bush into the 2016 presidential race. Right, because it’s not a true banana republic until you have single dynasty rule on both sides?

Vin Scully, 86, calmly went on with the play-by-play during yesterday’s earthquake at Dodger Stadium. Although to be honest, at 86 everything usually shakes.


A USGS seismologist said the 5.1 LA quake has a 5% chance of being a foreshock of an even larger quake. At at CNN they are thinking, well, we hope not until they’ve identified debris from the Malaysian Air plane.

Rain and a 5.1 earthquake in California. East coast and midwest residents would call to express sympathy if they had time to put down their snow shovels.

ESPN headline “Kevin Ware transferring from Louisville to finish his career.” Well, at least they were honest and didn’t pretend it has anything to do with education.

So how many offers does George Takei have already for the starring role in the Leland Yee story?

(Yes, I know Takei is Japanese and Yee is Chinese. But they do look a lot a like. IMHO)


A hearing-impaired Texas couple was incensed at a note American Airlines put on their lost luggage for the delivery person “Please text, deaf and dumb.” And okay, I get it. Not terribly sensitive in the 21st century. But must admit as a child of the last century, in elementary school, “deaf and dumb” WAS how they described Helen Keller.



Now CNN is airing a report -“Flight 370, the final hours.” To be followed no doubt next week by a new report – “The Search for Flight 370, the interminable hours.”

From Gary Bachman,   “A travel company in Denmark is encouraging Danish couples to go on vacation and have sex to increase a shrinking population. Denmark should also consider getting an NBA team.”

161 to go.

April 1, 2013

Bryce Harper is on pace for 324 home runs!

Silver lining in today’s game for SF Giants’ fans? If Clayton Kershaw is going to be the Dodgers’ power hitter on top of being their ace, it’s going to take Los Angeles $250 million to sign him long term…..

Red Sox 8, Yankees 2. Wonder who George Steinbrenner would have fired by now.

(with an assist from my friend Tony Alan Banks.  You have to wonder if somewhere in the afterlife, Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin just out of habit.)

Sandy Koufax looked good throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers.   Wonder how long it will take the Yankees to offer him a pitching contract.

The University of Kentucky has announced that freshman guard Archie Goodwin is leaving early for the NBA. Guess he wants to parlay leading his team all the way to the first round of the NIT into big $$$.

Jon Stewart really slamming #NBC tonight on the Daily Show. So is Stewart also auditioning for Jay  Leno’s job?

Lindsay Lohan will be a guest on the “Late Show with David Letterman” next week. Sure hope the show insisted on sending a car and driver.

Apparently police had to be called at a Seattle zoo’s Easter Egg Hunt when two mothers began fighting. Reportedly after one reportedly pushed a child aside to make it easier for her own child to get some eggs. Shocking. Parent violence at an Easter Egg Hunt?! Now, we’d expect it for opening day of Little League.

Unclear on the concept – Lindsay Lohan has reportedly told her lawyers that she’ll only enter lockdown rehab if she’s allowed to take her Adderall prescription with her…..

Well, at least there’s a Pac 12 team in the Women’s Final Four. Now if the #Cal Bears can just knock off UConn and Geno Auriemma in New Orleans all of Stanford might root for them.

USC has hired UFGC’s Andy Enfield as their next men’s basketball coach. Guess Enfield couldn’t turn the deal down, over $1 million a year plus every March off.

Glee’s Cory Monteith has voluntarily checked into a rehabilitation center to address substance addiction issues. Some would say such issues were caused by watching his own show.

From Bill Littlejohn:  As we approach the Masters, Tiger Woods has reclaimed his No. 1 ranking and is well on his way to being the Tiger of old. In fact, insiders are predicting a Lindsey Vonn ski pole to his Escalade by Christmas.

Our long national nightmare is over.

March 31, 2013

Baseball’s back!   And the Houston Astros magic number is 161!

As the MLB season starts, the 2013 Houston Astros may indeed end up awful , but they will almost certainly give their fans more good moments this year for $25 million than A-Rod will give Yankees fans for $29 million.

New UCLA men’s basketball coach Steve Alford signed a 10 year contract with New Mexico just 10 days before taking the Bruins job. Can’t wait to hear Alford talk to recruits about commitment to the team.

So it’s now newsworthy, not when a senator says he will cross party lines for a vote, but when he says that he will actually allow a vote? Sigh. But Sen. Lindsey Graham said Sunday he wouldn’t filibuster gun control legislation being considered in the Senate.


Today is the 75th anniversary of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” sketch. To give you an idea how long ago that was, most of the 2013 Yankees’ starting lineup was still in Little League.


Could today have been worse for Kevin Ware? Well, normally when a Louisville star breaks a leg that badly, it happens at Churchill Downs…

Hope no one wished the Cardinals luck today by saying “break a leg.”


Radio announcer said late in the Louisville-Duke game –  “Coach K looks resigned. Things not trending his way.”   Down 15 with less than three minutes to go. Ya think?


For those whose brackets are busted, baseball season brings with a whole number of potential new bets.  For example, what day will the Chicago Cubs be eliminated from playoff contention?


From my friend Alex  Kaseberg: “In their baseball preview issue, “Sports Illustrated” picked the Chicago Cubs to finish last in their division. Whoa, way to go out on a limb, “Sports Illustrated.” Next thing you know you’ll pick a Kenyan to win a marathon.”


Opening weak.

April 7, 2012

Okay, right this minute in the AL East, the Orioles, Rays and Blue Jays are all tied for first place, while the Red Sox and Yankees are tied for last. 161 games to go, but figured a lot of folks would enjoy seeing this.

Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura apparently chatted Friday for the 1st time since Ventura charged the mound after Ryan hit him with a pitch 19 years ago. Wonder if instead of a handshake Nolan gave Robin “noogies” for old times’ sake.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are now an item. And some say that homosexual relationships are offensive

Isiah Thomas, who went 26-65 in three seasons as a coach at FIU, was fired today by the school. He told ESPN that “this is the most surprising thing that has happened to me in basketball.” Sounds like Isiah is still as self-aware as he was with the Knicks.

Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Light,” and the self described “Most Collected Living Artist” died today at the age of 54. Condolences to his family, but change that second trademark.

Mario Rubio said this week “I’m not going to be the vice president,” Is that a comment on running with Mitt Romney, or the likely outcome of the election?

An anti-abortion bill in Arizona would declare that pregnancy starts on the date of a women’s last menstrual period. Heck, what’s next, claiming pregnancy may start as soon as that second margarita?

Christopher Hooker, 41, that Modesto teacher who left his family to move in Jordan Powers, 18, his ex-student, said their love was for real and would last. Now it turns out Hooker’s been arrested for having a relationship in 1998 with another girl student, who was 17. Guess he didn’t specify how long it would last.

All these predictions for who will win in MLB this season, here’s a different prediction game. Which teams have a chance to lose 100 games? No prizes, just the chance to declare yourself a true “connoisseur of crap.”

Reaction around the NFL to the Saints locker room audio: One – “That’s despicable.” Two – “Quick, burn OUR tapes.”

Augusta, GA, police today were called to a Waffle House for a dispute involving two groups of women. (Apparently over a Facebook post about a relationship.) One woman was arrested after she allegedly fired shots into the air from a handgun. So who says all the action at Augusta is at the Masters?

Syracuse’s Fab Melo, ruled ineligible twice last season due to academic issues, announced he will enter the NBA draft. So sounds like next year Melo will be going to class about as much as he did this year.

When will they ever learn? Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino, 51, has now been put on leave by the University after it turns out that he had a 25 year old female passenger with him when he had his late-night motorcycle crash. The woman, Jessica Dorrell, was hired last month to work under Petrino. So to speak.

Opening WTF?

April 5, 2012

Two A’s-Mariners games last week, Marlins-Cardinals tonight, the rest of MLB starts Thursday or Friday. Sorry Bud Selig, less is more; “Opening Day” is awesome. “Opening Week” s*cks.

But really, we won’t know it’s really opening day until Cubs fans break out their new “Wait until next year” shirts.

The Masters starts Thursday morning, from Augusta National Golf Club. One of the few places on Earth where Mitt Romney is referred to as “a regular guy.”

Bond fans screaming “Say it ain’t so?!” Due to a Heineken contract, James Bond will be drinking beer instead of a martini in his next movie. What’s next, 007 telling women he wants to wait for physical intimacy until they are in a committed relationship?

According to the autopsy report, “white powdery substances and a spoon with white residue” were found in the hotel room where Whitney Houston died. Sad, but “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

Ryan Gosling apparently saved a British journalist named Laurie Penny from being hit by a car this week in New York. Earning him respect and admiration from his fellow actors, once they found out she didn’t work for “News of the World.”

Macy’s flagship store in New York had to evacuate due to a small basement fire today. You know what that means. Stay tuned for Macy’s new “Two Day Fire Sale with One Day Special Preview.”

(or as my friend Rich suggests “Black Flower Days.”)

John McCain urged Mitt Romney “not to rush to judgment” when picking his running mate. Gosh, wonder why he would say that?

Kentucky coach John Calipari said he’s not planning to coach the New York Knicks or any other NBA team – “Kentucky is the best job in basketball coaching, why would I leave?” At least not until the next NCAA investigation.

Sarah Palin’s appearance on the “Today” show apparently didn’t turn out to be the ratings boost NBC had hoped for. Does this mean “Palin-sanity” is over?

Levi Johnston, 21, has announced that his latest girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, is pregnant. Levi told the pregnancy was an unexpected surprise: “Things happen and we are both happy with what came of it.” Yeah, looks like Bristol Palin’s abstinence campaign is really working.

Ryan Seacrest will be taking part in NBC’s Olympic coverage. Wonderful. Stand by for “Who’ll win the Gold? We’ll find out, after the break….”

Rick Santorum went bowling with some friends and staffers today, and ended up with three strikes and two spares while scoring 145. So at least when faced with a bowling lane, Rick proved it was possible for him to go towards the center.

We’re number one, and done.

April 3, 2012

Which was a bigger joke in tonight’s NCAA mens’s finals? Pretending anyone can actually see the basketball court from the upper seats at the Super Dome? Or pretending all these “one and done”s on Kentucky are really student-athletes?

What’s wrong with college basketball? For starters, a team of mostly freshmen won the National Championship for Kentucky. And they won’t even be enrolled at the school long enough to watch them hang the banner.

Anyone on a diet and need a good appetite suppressant? I give you Ann Romney’s response when asked if her husband is too stiff – “We better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

President Obama at halftime talking about his daughters playing basketball. Apparently 10 year old Sasha is especially good. Let’s see, smart girl, genes for height and athleticism (uncle Craig Robinson played at Princeton.)…. wonder how long until Tara pays a recruiting call to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

The European plane maker, Airbus is apparently studying the idea of building new planes with narrower window and middle seats, and wider aisle seats. These would be for larger passengers and those who just want more space. Standby for the “aisle” surcharge.

Ryan Leaf, arrested for the second time in two days for allegedly stealing prescription pain pills. Waiting for Rush Limbaugh to weigh in on this one.

Bill Clinton said he would be supportive if Hillary ran for President in 2016. Is anyone surprised? It would entail a lot of time on the road away from home…

Matt Cain just signed a 6 year, $127 million contract. And the Yankees responded with the same sigh that a very wealthy man makes when the dealer tells them someone already bought the very expensive sports car they were eyeing.

Some parents in an upscale Brooklyn, NY neighborhood want to ban ice cream trucks from a park because their children become so upset when they are told they can’t have a treat. ( And no, apparently this was not an April Fool’s joke…sigh.

As we edge close to another opening day, a comment from Bill Littlejohn on the Texas Rangers’ 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: “It’s called The Kevorkian.”

Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for hitting his former teammate Troy Tulowitzki in the left elbow with a pitch. While it looked pretty blatant, in Jiminez’s defense he hasn’t thrown many pitches where he’s wanted to all spring. (Of course another possibility is that he wanted to hit Tulowitzki in the head.)

After opening day.

April 2, 2011

Wonder if it’s a sign that Opening Day at Wrigley was April Fool’s Day.  Of course the real jokes is played every fall, when Cubs fans are told “Wait Until Next Year.”

Belated April Fool’s kudos to whoever drew up a Final Four bracket showing Butler and VCU in it. But maybe they should try to be a little more realistic next time?

The Chicago White Sox had a 14-0 lead, and hung on to beat the Indians 15-10 after Cleveland scored 10 runs in the last four innings. Happiest man in minor league baseball? The last relief pitcher cut by the White Sox out of spring training.

Robert Redford actually threw out the first pitch at Wrigley. What many people don’t know is that Redford actually went to the University of Colorado in 1955 on a baseball scholarship. Wonder if he ever pitched against Jamie Moyer?

Opening Day at Wrigley Field was yesterday! Wonder who threw out the first white flag?

Nate Miles, the player whose recruitment helped get UConn on probation early this year, says now that coach Jim Calhoun knew about the improper benefits. With the Huskies playing Kentucky and John Calipari today, this could be a matchup between a coach who has had two teams who have vacated Final Fours and one who is about to have his first.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, as part of a broader package to reduce costs of Medicaid in Arizona, is proposing an annual $50 charge for patients who are obese. Which means her state may be the first where it’s easier to buy a gun than a Big Mac.

Meghan McCain is unhappy about the upcoming movie “Game Change,” saying it will embarrass her family, especially her father.  Hard to think the movie could do a better job of that than John McCain did himself by picking Sarah Palin.

Wizards’ rookie star John Wall will serve a one-game suspension for fighting tonight when Washington takes on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Kind of the basketball equivalent of OSU football coach Jim Tressell being suspended against Temple and Akron.

T.C. comment on managers’ choosing their opening day pitchers.  I had the huge decision myself, “Coors, Bud Light, Michelob…

Changing seasons:

April 1, 2011

Forget  all this equinox stuff, TODAY is the first real day of Spring. Play Ball!

As the first pitch was thrown on Opening Day, thousands and thousands of fans were still filing into Dodger Stadium. Good to see Los Angeles fans are in mid-season form.

Orel Hershiser said during the ESPN Opening Night game that the SF Giants haven’t faced a batting practice pitcher like Kershaw. With all due respect, anyone in the Giants organization who throws like Clayton Kershaw (lefty, mid-nineties with control) won’t be throwing batting practice.

Another discussion topic on Opening night was whether or not the Dodgers are committed to winning.  Well, Frank and Jamie McCourt are certainly committed to winning, the problem is, it’s in their divorce case against each other.

The missing cobra from the Bronx Zoo was caught alive today. I see a made-for-television movie in our future – a combination of “Escape from New York” and “Snakes on a Plane.”

(the Cobra was located in an out of the way corner of the Reptile House.  As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “Even cobras know it’s not safe to go outside in the Bronx.)

John Mellencamp and Stephen King are collaborating on a new musical. Let me guess, it’s not going to be produced by Disney.

Chad Pennington (torn ACL) has now joined Zack Grienke (cracked rib) on the list of athletes who have injured themselves playing pickup basketball. Why can’t these guys follow the NBA players’ regular season regimen?:   Just don’t play that hard.

Barry Zito’s car was broadsided by a red-light runner in Los Angeles last night. Fortunately the Giants pitcher was not seriously injured although his car was severely damaged. SF fans are hoping that’s the hardest Zito gets hit all year.  (assist to T.C.)

So the movie industry can take a perfectly lovely movie like “The King’s Speech,” and turn it into a PG13 film by cutting some off-colour language. Then why can’t they take some other top-rated films and re-release them as PG13 by cutting out some graphic and bloody violence?

And they can’t even blame it on the butterfly ballot. A Florida PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows that in a hypothetical rematch, after only 2 months, Governor Rick Scott would lose to his Democratic opponent Alex Sink, 56 to 37 percent, with 16 percent of voters switching sides, INCLUDING 21 percent of Republicans.  Is there something in the water?  

(Too bad the governorship isn’t like Target, with a 90 day return policy with receipt.)

First pitches of 2009

April 8, 2009

So Former President George W. Bush threw out the first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ opener.

Presume it was a pre-emptive strike.

Ted Kennedy threw the first pitch out in Boston.    My sense is that at this point, though he didn’t get much on the pitch, it broke sharply to the left, and most would say it improved with age.


But while we’re at it, how about the hypothetical first pitches?


Like Sarah Palin’s?  Much hyped, less impressive in the actual delivery. Despite the fact that she apparently was a winner in  the Alaska League.

At the San Francisco Giants home opener at A T and T Field, US Air pilot Sully Sullenberger throw out the first pitch. (This is for real.)

Presume it was a splash hit.

And Citigroup executives’  first pitch at Citi Field?  Presumably in need of taxpayer help to make it across the plate.


More to follow, suggestions encouraged.