Posted tagged ‘Sarah Palin jokes’

Streaked out.

September 16, 2011

Detroit Tigers’ players may not be that unhappy over the end of their 12 game winning streak tonight against the Oakland A’s.

Tigers manager Jim Leyland had said he was wearing the same underwear during the team’s 12 game win streak and didn’t plan to wash or change it until they lost. This might explain the team’s recent great pitching during the streak. No one wanted a visit on the mound.


Meanwhile the Red Sox are 3-11 in September. Not to say fans are officially panicking. But if this keeps up they may start referring to Fenway Park as Boston’s “Friendly confines.”

The Pirates have clinched their 19th straight losing season. But that’s okay with folks in Pittsburgh since the Steelers have gotten off to another great start….. Oops, never mind.

Mitt Romney said today that Dick Cheney “is the kind of person” he’d like to have as running mate. Translation, he doesn’t want to do the work of governing any more than George W. did?

Either that or Romney wants to make sure he has the best hair on the ticket.


The latest leaked picture scandal involves Scarlett Johansson, with candid photos appearing to show her naked appearing online. Apparently the FBI lottery to be assigned to the case closed yesterday due to too many applicants.

As my friend Pat M. says – “More federal employees hard at work.”

Pat Robertson said that a spouse having Alzheimer’s is justification for divorce. Newt Gingrich said Robertson’s comments were “a good start.”


University of Michigan supporters helped save the life of a 68 year old Notre Dame fan who had a heart attack during last weekend’s game in Ann Arbor. Doctors said he survived in part due to one man who performed CPR and others who called for medics. The fans downplayed their heroism and added “Hey, it’s not like he was from Ohio State.”

Congratulations to Pablo Sandoval, who tonight hit for the cycle (a single, double, triple and home run in one game) against the Rockies. In 2011, it’s hard to remember many games where the Giants as a team hit for the cycle. Heck, sometimes it’s hard to remember games where SF got four hits.

USA Today reports that analysts say Joe McGinniss’s new book “The Rogue’ negative book may not hurt Sarah Palin. Well, yeah, it’s not like many of her supporters actually read.


Palin is reportedly particularly incensed. Sarah feels strongly that if there are going to be books containing lies about her, she wants to write them.

The latest college football rumored move is Florida State considering the SEC. Apparently according to ESPN the school’s football fans have always wanted such a move, but the faculty favors being in the ACC because of the league’s academic reputation. Responded the football crowd – “what’s an ‘academic’ reputation?”

A new poll shows the GOP split down the middle on those between those who do and don’t consider themselves Tea Party members. And the party is deeply divided on many of the issues. Who do they think they are? Democrats.

Decisions, decisions.

September 5, 2011

A new L.A. Times poll shows that Rick Perry and Mitt Romney each have 22 % support in a survey of 1,508 registered California Republicans. Ron Paul has 11 %, Michele Bachman has 10%, and Newt Gingrich has 6%. If my math is still any good that means “None of the above” is still leading at 29%.


Give Sarah Palin credit. In her latest speech she not only went after President Obama, but also her Republican rivals. Palin ripped their continual fundraising, calling it “corporate crony capitalism.” And for more details, she suggested that listeners buy her books.


Before Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa, comedian Eric Golub talked about Palin’s son Trig, adding “the left should worship Sarah Palin and adopt her as one of their own. Because the leftist haters are an entire political ideology of special needs children.” Now, I’m usually anything but PC, but can you imagine the GOP reaction if anyone had made a joke like that about “rightist haters” before a Democrat’s speech?

Any SF Giants fans who have forgotten what scoring looks like should have tuned in ESPN Sunday night baseball, Tigers against White Sox. Detroit got 18 runs. 16 of them by the sixth.


It wasn’t so much the weekend as the weeks before that made all the games “must wins.” If T.S. Eliot were a Giants fan this year he would have said “August was the cruelest month.”

Mitt Romney is the son of a Governor, a former Governor himself, and so far an unsuccessful candidate for the U.S. Senate (1994) and the Presidency (2008). Yet in a Tea Party speech he called himself an “outsider.” Outside of what? The realm of plausibility?

Before Sarah Palin’s speech in Iowa, comedian Eric Golub talked about Palin’s son Trig, adding “the left should worship Sarah Palin and adopt her as one of their own,”Because the leftist haters are an entire political ideology of special needs children.” Now, I’m usually anything but PC, but can you imagine the GOP reaction if anyone had made a joke like that about “rightist haters” before a Democrat’s speech?


The SF 49ers signed rookie quarterback Scott Tolzien off waivers from San Diego today. Is this part of new coach Jim Harbaugh’s potential ABS strategy? (Anyone But Smith?)


There are increasing rumors that Chris Christie might jump into the pool of GOP Presidential candidates. Talk about a potential tidal wave.


Dick Cheney said Sunday that if Hillary Clinton were in the White House, “perhaps she might have been easier for some of us who are critics of the president to work with.” Of course, some would say that if Cheney hadn’t been in the White House, Obama would have had fewer problems to work with.


From T.C. A Chinese group is negotiating to buy the Dodgers. Gone will be Dodger Dogs and Budweiser, to be replaced with Dodger Dim Sum and Tsingtao Beer. The new mascot will be named Ping Pong Panda.


It’s only fair in some ways that a Chinese group buys the Dodgers. We’ve been buying junk from China for years.

Grandmother of our Country?

August 10, 2011

Sarah Palin welcomed her second grandchild, a healthy little girl, born to son Track and wife Britta. Who were married May 21. It’s amazing the advances medicine has made in dealing with very premature babies.


Actually, preemies appear to run in the family, as Track himself was born April 20, 1989, and Sarah and Todd eloped August 29, 1988.

An Arizona man is recovering after police say he accidentally shot himself in the penis while putting his girlfriend’s gun in the waistband of his pants. Wow. Who would a thunk that Plaxico Burress might have dodged a bullet?


The NY Daily News is reporting that MLB officials will soon meet with with Alex Rodriguez regarding his alleged involvement in high-stakes poker games. I’m not sure A-Rod gets it; apparently when the Yankees star was told he really needs to avoid bad situations and focus on baseball, he replied “Absolutely, I’m all in.”

Recently released records show former OSU football coach Jim Tressel made $21.7 million in 10 years as Buckeye coach, including $4.6 million directly from an exclusive deal the university had with Nike. Gosh, can’t imagine how those players ended up with the idea of selling memorabilia.

I make no claims to understand the stock markets. But with all these GOP candidates blaming the markets big drop Monday on Obama, wonder why I haven’t heard a single one of them say his speech yesterday might have had something to do with Tuesday’s 420 point gain.

Los Angeles businessman Alex Meruelo is going to buy the Atlanta Hawks, during the NBA lockout. Since he’s from Southern California, some wonder why he didn’t try to buy the Clippers. Responded Meruelo – I may be crazy, but not THAT crazy.


Michele Bachmann’s latest promise – “I guarantee you the EPA (U.S. Environmental Protection Agency) will have doors locked and lights turned off.” Well, yeah, the EPA was proposed and signed into law by that noted liberal whacko President Richard Nixon.


The winner of a video contest will get a chance to bat against Giants’ ace Tim Lincecum in spring training. The at-bat will be delayed until then because San Francisco doesn’t want the winner to embarrass the team’s other hitters.


The San Francisco Giants scored a run in the fourth inning and the Pirates pitching coach comes out to the mound. Clearly this unusual event was cause for concern…

And when the team scored three runs in the eighth (two unearned), you had to wonder if the scoreboard operator remembered how to put a crooked number in the Giants column.


From T.C. “All these riots and looting in London England – wtf are the Canucks fans doing there in the middle of the off season???

Was the ring the thing?

June 23, 2011

Phoenix Suns president Lon Babby called into a Phoenix radio station  to say” I have said it a zillion times. We are not trading Steve Nash,” 

Translation, no one made them a good enough offer.

George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis announced they have ended their two-year relationship, possibly over his unwillingness to propose marriage.

“So what?” responded millions of men. “There’s still hope,” responded millions of women.

Now we are hearing that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany’s for $1 million. This level of credit line was known privately at the store as a “Kobe Special.”

Meanwhile, more campaign staffers are deserting  Gingrich. The only way this story could be any better is if some of them went to work for his ex-wives.

North Carolina has received an NCAA notice of allegations from the NCAA outlining numerous “potential major violations” in football. Guess this settles it, the Tarheels have officially arrived as a major football program.

Okay, who predicted this. If the All-Star pitchers were chosen today, the San Francisco Giants starter who most deserves to make the team is…. . Ryan Vogelsong?!!

(and non-Giants fans, yes, look it up  – 5 and 1 record, with an ERA of 1.86  – well over a run lower than any other starter on the staff.)

The US beat Panama in the Gold Cup semi-final Wednesday night. Prompting this response from many American sports fans “That’s really great, what sport were we playing?”

Mark Cuban may now be interested in buying the Dodgers. And it could happen.  Frank McCourt may have accomplished the impossible – getting Bud Selig to think Cuban might be the lesser of any two evils as an owner.

Sad news, Glen Campbell has announced he has Alzheimer’s. The only silver lining, soon he won’t remember the outfits he wore for Rhinestone Cowboy.

Sarah Palin has reportedly quit her bus tour halfway through. Wow, Santa must have decided that as a group comedy writers had been very very good last year.

Follow up story later today:  Sarah Palin now disputes reports that she has canceled her bus tour. She posted on Facebook that she’s been called for jury duty, and that she will resume the tour “when the time comes.” Does Sarah really think she’d be picked? Neither side would expect her to stay through the whole trial.

Two I wish I’d written:

From Marc Ragovin:  Jack McKeon walking out to the mound to make a pitching change is the baseball equivalent of the four corners offense.

From Jim Barach:  A 90 year old Florida woman married a man she met on match.com. The amazing part is that she thought she was buying a comforter on eBay.

Parenthetical thoughts…

May 28, 2011

Maybe a few history classes wouldn’t have hurt. Michelle Bachman got into trouble before for saying (twice) that the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hampshire. Now she is kicking off her presidential campaign in Iowa. In the town of Waterloo.

(but who knows, maybe Bachman thinks the line “where Napoleon met his Waterloo” refers to a woman he was dating?)

Sarah Palin has apparently authorized a feature film about her career. The film has an announced running time of two hours but will stop halfway through.

Ray Small, former Ohio State WR, is claiming a student newspaper “twisted his words” about teammates selling their rings and getting car deals, and has retracted the statements. Although the newspaper editor says “everything Small said is recorded.” Well, when Small decides he is completely done with football, he has a great future working for Newt Gingrich.

Governor Jan Brewer is going to court to fight the state’s voter approved medical marijuana law.   So let me get this straight, Brewer trusts the people of Arizona to make the decision to carry a gun around, but not to light up a joint?

(Based on events in Arizona and Florida over the last several years, I am beginning to think that too much sun rots your brain.)

Meanwhile, over in Texas,  Governor Rick Perry is the latest to talk about running for President in 2012. Uh, Rick, with all this talk of secession for the Lone Star state, wouldn’t that make you no longer born in the U.S?

A new CNN poll shows Rudy Giuliani, who is not even an announced candidate, leads all GOP presidential contenders. Presume “None of the above” was not an option?

(My friend Scott Russell has an idea, if “none of the above” is the biggest vote getter in an election, throw both candidates out and start over.)

If you think golf needs Tiger Woods, how about women’s tennis needing the Williams sisters? The two top seeds, Kim Clijsters and Caroline Wozniacki, are both out of the French Open. And the response of most sports fans – “Who and who?”

 

 

Aubrey Huff, batting .212, hit cleanup again for the SF Giants today. Now, I love Aubrey, and we pronounce our last names the same way, but these days the only cleanup he’s doing well is helping the opposing pitchers clean up their messes.

(of course I wrote the above before the game, and he got two hits, so am posting it so as not to mess with success.)

Meanwhile, at home plate, Eli Whiteside over Prince Fielder by TKO.

Gallows humor.

May 27, 2011

A little gallows humor for Giants’ fans: Many are wondering in the wake of Posey’s injury about Bengie Molina, who hasn’t officially retired. But Mercury News writer Andrew Baggarly hears “at least as of two months ago, Molina was not in any kind of shape to play.” Well, doesn’t sound much different from last year.

A 27 year old Rockies fan died today after a 20 foot fall at Coors Field in Denver. He had lost his balance after trying to slide down a staircase railing.

The man had been taken off life support after being declared brain dead Wednesday.  While I don’t mean to minimize the pain his friends and relatives must be going thru, with all due respect, he was brain dead when he decided to slide down that railing.

Apparently green-minded students this year at more than 250 colleges and universities  have the option to get graduation gowns made from recycled plastic bottles.  Still others can buy gowns made from wood pulp, instead of the standard polyester.

Many basketball and football powerhouse schools say they have an even greener option.  They don’t waste anything with gowns, because their students don’t graduate in the first place.

There are more and more rumors of other alleged Schwarzenegger mistresses and brief liasons. Here we thought Arnold dreamed he should be President, maybe he just dreamed he was the world’s greatest golfer.

Interesting sidelight about John Edwards’ alleged use of campaign funds to pay for his mistress.  Edwards might almost be as rich as Schwarzenegger.  As Augie suggests, perhaps Arnold might have told John “Don’t be such a girly man, pay up.”

MSNBC host Ed Schultz has accepted a one week suspension, and has apologized for calling conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham a ‘right-wing slut’ on his syndicated radio program Tuesday. So is the apology for calling her “right-wing” or for calling her a “slut?”

With the Heat into the finals, the impossible has become reality; most of America will actually be rooting for Mark Cuban.

The New York Mets reportedly sold part of their team today. Mets fans were hoping it was the bullpen.

The NCAA infractions appeals committee has upheld all penalties and findings against USC football, The Trojans will lose 30 scholarships over the next three years are banned again from this year’s postseason. 

For some reason the committee didn’t buy the school’s defense, which basically boiled down to “But we’re USC!”

Sarah Palin has announced a bus trip “to connect with our founders, our patriots, our challenges and victories.” And to “appreciate the significance of our nation’s historic sites, patriotic events and diverse cultures, which we’ll do in the coming weeks on our “One Nation” tour. Wonder if Sarah will meet up with Michelle Bachman in Lexington NH to commemorate the “shot heard round the world.?”

Just how young are American Idol finalists Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina? At their ages, Lindsay Lohan hadn’t even entered her first rehab yet.

Snow place like home…

February 1, 2011

Once again, some airlines are pre-emptively cancelling flights today because snow MIGHT cause delays at the airport.  (While other carriers are still -operating flights between the same cities at the same time.)

This will nonetheless cost these airlines some big bucks. Which will likely mean only one thing – stay tuned for “weather fees.”

The King’s Speech is now the front-runner for Best Picture. And it seems to resonate with Americans. Of course, we know all too well that when someone ends up in charge just because they are their father’s son, it’s easy to end up with an inarticulate leader.

British tennis fans are really unhappy after Andy Murray’s loss at the Australian Open to Novak Djokovic.  The match had been considered a a great chance for the country’s first male Grand Slam event win in 75 years.

75 years of misery?!.  “Wimps,”  responded Cubs fans.

Yet another storm is expected to close New York airports for much of the remainder of the week and potentially into the weekend. Wonder how the NFL feels these days about the decision to put the 2014 Super Bowl in the Meadowlands.

Chicago O’Hare airport may also be closed for a while. Well at least Bears and Jets fans have no need to fly to Dallas.

As far as I can tell, this year’s version of “the Bachelor” seems to be about nonstop crying. Are we sure John Boehner isn’t somehow involved?

Sarah Palin says she is now happy about the media proposing to boycott her, because this way it will “keep me from being blamed for Egypt.” Actually, Sarah, most of the media is laying odds as to whether or not you could find Egypt on a map.

At the Safari Club International Convention in Nevada, Sarah Palin warned gun owners to “keep tabs on the White House,” and “just think if we had stricter gun control laws.” Yes, I’m thinking about it, and we’d have six people still alive in Arizona, for starters.

Well, Jay Leno hasn’t “friended” me. But he did use this joke, which I posted on Facebook and on my blog Dec 28, almost word for word tonight: The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

Thank you, Sarah.

November 18, 2010

While Palin certainly helped Tina Fey become the youngest winner ever of the Mark Twain American humor award, she has also been a generous source of material to many of us lesser writers.

Today for example, was a bonanza. (Palin fans might want to skip to the last several  jokes.)

 Sarah Palin said she believed she could beat Barack Obama in the 2012 Presidential election. Has anyone told her the balloting procedure is just a little different from “Dancing with the Stars?”

Palin also says that President Obama wasn’t properly “vetted” and now it is “coming home to roost.” Meanwhile, many Republicans are thinking, had John McCain done a little more vetting himself, the GOP would have probably won the Senate this year.

And in Sarah Palin’s latest book, “America by Heart,” she apparently wrote that it was “disgusting” to watch “the father of my grandchild” Levi Johnston exploit his sudden fame. Right, as opposed to the mother of her grandchild.

Wonder how Palin chose the title “America by Heart?”  I thought she thought America was by Russia?

The book has not officially been released yet, though excerpts have been leaked. One thing’s for sure – looks like an early Christmas for comedy writers.

Meanwhile, Willow Palin, 16, posted on her facebook page a number of slurs directed at a classmate, including telling him “Your (sic) such a f**got” Great, a homophobic illiterate. Her mother must be so proud.

And not that I personally agree with Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski on a number of issues. But must admit, it’s kind of fun to watch. She’s irritating the GOP leadership these days more than any woman whose last name isn’t Pelosi.

Tea Party Republican candidate Joe Miller has not yet conceded to Murkowski, who apparently has won re-election as a write-in candidate.  Miller’s latest potential  challenge, that her candidacy was unfair because she was actually appealing only to voters who could both read and write

First Steve Nash announces he is divorcing, now Tony Parker’s wife has filed papers. Okay, who’d a thunk the longest married superstar in the NBA might end up being Kobe Bryant?

One silver lining with this whole TSA invasive issue – After you make it through the airport Thanksgiving weekend, by comparision your mother’s questions at dinner may not seem quite so probing.

In Los Angeles, supervisors have banned plastic bags. Said one lawmaker, “Plastic bags are a pollutant, they pollute the urban landscape.” Stand by for the supervisors’ next action – banning the Los Angeles Clippers.

A Dutch company claims they have invented a skin patch that will help you lose weight. Sure, why not? Especially if you stick it over your mouth.

Winners and losers.

September 23, 2010

So Michael Vick will be the starting quarterback this Sunday for the Eagles. Well, Philly fans are famous for once booing Santa Claus, but whatever happens this week at least they won’t be able to say their team has gone to the dogs.


KFC is going to pay female college students to wear fitted sweatpants with ads for “Double Down” on their rear ends. Maybe this is a bit unclear on the concept; “Double Down” is KFC’s bunless sandwich.


What’s the subtitle on this ad campaign. If the wording is readable, either you’re “too damn close,” or the wearer has had a few too many Double Downs?

Starbucks is apparently hiking prices on some of their fancier drinks due to the soaring price of coffee. (The basic “tall” regular coffee price will remain unchanged.) Are they just a bit unclear on the concept? The fanciest mixed drinks probably have the smallest percentage of actual coffee.

Getting pretty tired of this headline – “(fill in name of journeyman pitcher) shuts out SF Giants in best pitching start of year.”

A little more salt in the wound for all those SF Giants fans (like me) who haven’t gotten over the Joe Nathan for A.J. Pierzynski trade. A throw-in in that trade, Francisco Liriano, is now is 14-8 with a 3.44 ERA, and will be starting game one of the playoffs for the Twins.

But it could be worse: Hard to believe that a month ago the St. Louis Cardinals looked like a lock for the postseason. Now they’re eight games behind the Reds and well out of the wild card picture. Manager Tony LaRussa’s popularity has fallen faster than anyone who hasn’t taken their talents to South Beach.

Travel rant and there ought to be a law department: Three clients forwarded me a triple miles special offer from United Airlines today between LA or SF and JFK between now and the end of 2010.

Just one catch, the lowest “qualifying” fare is $1573 roundtrip, when United’s fares in those markets start under $300 roundtrip

Sarah Palin has a new video advertisement promoting herself as a leader of the Tea Party movement. Actually, I think she is really a leader of the Sarah Palin movement.-


A long-time cocaine smuggling ring was apparently broken up when one of the participants ended up having to check his carry-on bag, containing 41 pounds of cocaine, with Southwest Airlines and the airline temporarily misplaced the bag.

No word on what tipped DEA (Drug Enforcement Agency) officials off, but the gentleman in question is now in custody. He also now may have the record for the most expensive free checked bag in history.



A Florida appeals court struck down the state’s ban on gay couples adopting children. The Department of Children and Familes had argued that there was “a rational basis for the prohibition on homosexual adoption because children will have better role models” with a father and mother in the picture.

Right, I would like to see some explain how a long-married gay couple could be worse role models for children than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnson. (Or for that matter, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline… Or Jon and Kate.)

Dumb and dumber – yet again

September 4, 2010

The NCAA in action: Jeremiah Masoli won his waiver appeal and will be able to play for Ole Miss this year, after he enrolled in the school’s Parks and Recreation graduate program. The former Oregon QB convinced them that he was a student-athlete “who transferred for academic reasons to pursue graduate studies, not to avoid disciplinary measures.”

(The NCAA’s excuse for the waiver, “Massoli was only kicked off the team for his brushes with the law, not expelled from the University) And we wonder how NFL players get the idea that rules don’t apply to them.”)

Of course, the whole Masoli story just lends credence to a theory that many people have long suspected – the NCAA is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the SEC.


BCS champions Ohio State opened their season with a 45-7 rout of Marshall. Guess Vassar wasn’t available?



Apparently one sign that Arizona police are using to locate potential illegal immigrants is a poor command of the English language. Governor Brewer had now better not go out without her identification.


Sarah Palin is slamming “impotent, limp and gutless” reporters after a Vanity Fair article claimed she had a “mean temper.”


Meanwhile, Bristol Palin appeared on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday night to talk about her decision to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” And this is the young woman who broke up with Levi Johnston for the second time because he was “just obsessed with the limelight.”


In Colorado gubernatorial Dan Maes has said that a Denver bike-sharing program is a “well-designed plot” that is converting Denver into a United Nations community.” He added “This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms.”

Leaving aside a number of things, like logic, does anyone actually believe the UN is capable of a well-designed plot?

Kat Von D is now dating Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James, and says she believes he is “the one.” Stay tuned for the next installment of “Tattoed women, foolish choices.”


The Nationals’ Nyjer Morgan has ended up with an eight-game suspension following three aggressive incidents, which culminated in him charging the mound and inciting a brawl between Washington and the Florida Marlins. On the bright side, Morgan’s been offered a tryout on defense with the Washington Redskins.


Carly Fiorina has finally announced she has decided to support Prop 23, which suspends California’s global-warming initiative. (She’s only been running for Senate since last November.) If it takes her 10 months to decide on one proposition, how long will it take her to decide how to vote if she is elected to the Senate?


from my funny friend Jim Barach: “President Obama said in his address to the nation on Tuesday night that U.S. has ended its combat role in Iraq and it’s now time to “turn the page.”

So now he has done two things President Bush never accomplished. Ending a war and turning a page.

Darwin award of the year.

August 19, 2010

Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, Frank Ryan who was killed when he drove off a cliff, was allegedlyy tweeting about his border collie at the time of the accident. The dog, who was in the car, survived the crash. Talk about survival of the fittest – Darwin would be proud.


Maybe the guy thought he could multi-task because he did all those surgeries at the same time on Heidi Montag and they turned out so well…. Oops, never mind.

Brett Favre has announced he will return to the Vikings for “one more try” at a Super Bowl. Right. “One more try” for Favre has about the same meaning as, “I do” for Larry King.

So instead of sports highlights, lately Sportcenter seems to lead with sagas – Brett Favre, Alex Rodriguez, Lebron James, Tiger Woods… when did ESPN turn into People magazine?

Lebron James now says he’s not sure the Cleveland Cavaliers owner “ever cared about Lebron” and he doesn’t regret making the ESPN special -“The Decision”

Hmm, ALS may have been misnamed Lou Gehrig’s disease, but the American Psychiatric Association is now considering renaming narcissism “Lebron James Personality Disorder.”


A little perspective for a certain quarterback Vin Scully has been broadcasting Dodgers games for 60 years. And he hasn’t retired and unretired once.

In the “politics makes strange bedfellows” department, this might be one of this year’s winners: The 25,000-member Northern California District Council of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union has endorsed Prop 19 – the initiative to legalize marijuana

Apparently Sarah Palin has posted Tweets encouraging Dr. Laura and defending her “1st.Amend rights” Figures. Birdbrains of a feather….


Sarah Palin has been defending Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s first amendment rights, at the same time decrying the media coverage of the whole “N” word saga.

Note to Sarah, if you are going to defend an amendment, best to read it. There’s that little issue of “freedom of the press.”


A joint joke with Alex Kaseberg, who started it off:

“Andrew Lloyd Weber’s songs will be available on a karaoke game on Xbox 360. This will be for all of those guys who love to sing show tunes on karaoke and play Xbox. What? Excuse me? This just in: there is no such thing as a guy who likes to sing karaoke show tunes and play Xbox.”

Actually there are such guys, especially in Northern California. Actually, the Andrew Lloyd Webber Karaoke game is likely to be a hot item on wedding registries, if the state ever overturns Prop 8.


More worrisome, however, is this possibility. What if some college freshman brings the karaoke game to their dorm room in a state with “open-carry” gun laws. Could get ugly.

Things we won’t hear anytime soon…

August 11, 2010

As we move into the late stages of summer, a few statements we won’t probably hear….

Terrell Owens – “What went wrong with my last team was completely my fault.”

Cubs fans- “You know, waiting until next year probably won’t be any different from this year.

Brett Favre “And that’s my final answer.”

Anyone at Fox News “The President really handled that situation well.”

Sarah Palin “I don’t know the answer and I’m not going to try to fake it.”

Any politician “You know, we have a choice, raise taxes or cut services. Which do you want?”

(more to come, and more reader comments encouraged.)


At Vikings training camp, Minnesota wide receiver Percy Harvin has been out on leave from practice because of migraine headaches. That’s odd, usually the only people connected with the Vikings with migraines are fans and coaching staff waiting for Brett Favre to make up his mind.

Levi Johnston is apparently running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, as part of a new reality show. This could be the first time since the 2008 election that “Mayor of Wasilla” and “reality” have been used in the same sentence.

Sarah Palin lambasted the LSM (lamestream media) for reporting her confrontation today with a woman in Alaska who had made a “Worst Governor Ever” sign. Why is it that so many people who love to defend the second amendment seem to have a problem with the first?


The Commerce Department announced today that it is returning to the Treasury $1.6 billion in savings from the 2010 Census, because they came in under budget. Who are the people in charge here… and can we elect them to Congress?

Jodie Fisher, the woman at the center of the investigation that caused HP CEO Mark Hurd to resign, said it “wasn’t about sex.” Maybe she’d be just a tad more believable if she hadn’t hired the same celebrity lawyer as Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress?


Reader Gary Morton’s comment on the HP payoffs – A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina….no wonder my HP toner cartridge costs $2,000./each.

Houston linebacker Brian Cushing tested claims he tested positive for elevated levels of HCG because of he ‘overtrained.” Well at least that’s one problem Washington’s Albert Haynesworth will never have.


A JetBlue flight attendant finally lost it and dramatically quit his job because of an obnoxious, rude customer. And he has become a national folk hero. Just one question, how long before something similar happens at Starbucks?


Actually two questions. The police have not yet formally decided what charges to levy against Mr. Slater. And their biggest problem, how are they ever going to find 12 Americans willing to convict him?


Other airlines watched the Slater story with interest. Wonder who will be the first to consider start using the emergency chute to offer a “priority disembarkation fee?

Giants-Dodgers, and other episodes of the Twilight Zone.

July 21, 2010

Part of Major League Baseball Rule 8.06 “A manager or coach is considered to have concluded his visit to the mound when he leaves the 18-foot circle surrounding the pitcher’s rubber.” Never heard that rule before? Neither had acting Dodgers manager Don Mattingly.

(for anyone who didnt see tonight’s Giants-Dodger game. A manager is allowed only one visit to a pitcher per inning, the second visit means you must remove your pitcher… Mattingly, who was managing only because Joe Torre and the bench coach had been ejected, came out to speak to his closer with the bases loaded, left the mound, remembered something, and went back briefly. Giants manager Bruce Bochy saw it, told the umpires, and they had no choice but to make him change pitchers. The new pitcher had very little time to warm up, and gave up the game winning hit.)


And yes, I know, a couple readers have to be thinking… the infield fly rule is bad enough.)

The Dodgers have lost six in a row and this divorce between Frank and Jamie McCourt is really getting ugly. Each of them are demanding the other take custody of the team.


Most amazing thing about the weirdest Giants-Dodgers game in recent memory Tuesday night? Manny Ramirez wasn’t even involved.

(The Dodgers placed Manny on the 15 day disabled list today. To be fair, he’s got to be getting close to his third trimester.)


USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy to the Heisman trust. I don’t see why…it was certainly bought and paid for.

You cannot make this stuff up. An convicted felon was stopped by the CHP on a Bay Area highway Sunday and was arrested after he allegedly got into a gun battle with officers using some of his large arsenal.

The man is now telling police he wanted to kill ACLU and Tides foundation employees to start an anti-government revolution. But he wants a public defender.


Brett Favre’s agent gave an interview to Men’s Journal magazine where he angrily referred to his client as a “drama queen.” Really? What was his first clue?

Some say Sarah Palin has no business comparing herself to Shakespeare since she has probably never read Shakespeare. But I hear Sarah has become quite fond of this quote from Twelfth Night. “Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.”


Sarah Palin is now comparing herself to Shakespeare. When asked if she writes in iambic pentameter, Palin responded ‘Of course not, I’m a true American, I write in English.”


According to a “representative” for Bristol Palin, her upcoming wedding and marriage will not become a reality show.” So for now Bristol’s “focus remains on doing what is best for Tripp and her family.” Translation, she hasn’t gotten a good enough offer.

last word from Bill Littlejohn:

After almost a week, there seems to be no significant leaks and it looks like it might hold. But enough about Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety”

Midseason form…

July 20, 2010

University of Pittsburgh defensive end Jabaal Sheard has been suspended indefinitely. after he was accused of throwing another man through the glass door of an art gallery. Sheard may not play for the Panthers again, but with that kind of arm and attitude some teams may want him as an NFL quarterback.


Although besides being suspended from the team, it seems pretty likely Jabaal flunked art appreciation.

Forever 21, the discount fashion chain beloved by teenagers, is now coming out with a maternity line. I think I see another endorsement opportunity ahead for Bristol Palin.

According to a London tabloid, the New York Yankees are thinking of bidding on a top soccer team, the Tottenham Hotspur of the English Premier League. I guess it’s not enough for their ownership to be hated on only one continent.


One sign that we are well into Major League Baseball’s midseason? The All-Star game. The second sign? Kerry Wood is back on the disabled list.

The Texas Rangers beat the Detroit Tigers in 14 innings, in a game that ended around midnight. Almost five hours. The only thing that’s lasted longer this year for the Rangers is Bengie Molina’s baserunning during last week’s triple.

Atlanta Braves reliever Jonny Venters was suspended four games for intentionally throwing at Prince Fielder on Saturday. Two games for hitting him, two more games for being stupid enough to throw at the guy most likely to crush you if he stormed the mound.


Good news, bad news for the SF Giants about Madison Bumgarner. The good news, the rookie pitcher can flat out hit. The bad news, he hits better than the team’s $12 million a year centerfielder. (Aaron Rowand)

Another day, another nail-biting save for the Giants. Have to wonder, at AA meetings in the San Francisco Area, besides “relationships,” “job stress,” how many people say the reason they drink is “Brian Wilson?.” (Even the SF Chronicle noted in their post game interview with Bruce Bochy that the manager was clutching “a comforting beverage.”)


At the age of 106 and after living here 40 years, Ignacia Moya today finally became a U.S. Citizen. Her biggest regret – not having been able to vote for that “nice young man,” John McCain.


Sarah Palin actually seems to be quite fond of her new word “refudiate,” because she has used it repeatedly. Maybe since she’s trying to court the anti-intellectual vote it’s part of her “strategery?”

From Jerry Perisho The phrase you’re most likely to hear at Chelsea’s wedding: “That’s not an ice sculpture; that’s the mother of the bride.”

Marc Ragovin again “Whats the big deal about the Yankees’ A.J. Burnett. A lot of pitchers hit the wall this time of year.

So Republicans want to cut off unemployment benefits because they say it will encourage Americans to be lazy and not to look for work. By that token shouldn’t they want to double or triple the tax on dividends and other unearned income to encourage trust-fund babies to look for work?

The impossible dream?

July 17, 2010

Okay, tonight there is hope for anyone who has ever dreamed an impossible dream: Bengie Molina hit for the cycle.


To put this in perspective, how likely was it that the slowest man in baseball would hit a single, double, home run and most shocking, triple in the same game? About as likely as Al Gore being accused of sexual harrassment.



There are now rumors that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping a reality show based on their upcoming marriage. This might be the first time that Bristol, Levi, and reality have all been used in the same sentence.


Apparently, however, Bristol and Levi really believe their potential show will be unique, focusing on how difficult it is to have any privacy when a member of your family runs for national office.


Sarah is apparently pretty upset though. Exploiting the Palin family for money is HER job.


Aaron Sorkin apparently is going to make a movie about the rise and fall of John Edwards. No word on the title yet, since “Despicable Me” was already taken.


Another title that’s already been used? “Hair.”

And of course “So You Think You Can Dance… Around the Truth”


Senator John McCain apparently did pretty well in his first debate Friday night against his Republican challenger J.D. Hayworth. Of course, McCain is an experienced veteran with debates, going back to his childhood when he attended the one between Lincoln and Douglas.

How bad were the wind gusts Friday at the British Open? They were thinking of paving the 18th fairway with yellow bricks.

Dwayne Wade defended his friend LeBron James today saying that James “didn’t quit” on Cleveland during the playoffs. “He prefers to think of it as saving his energy for Miami.”


Okay, will someone explain to me how the NBA owners and Commissioner David Stern can claim that the league is losing so much money that they may have to have a player lockout next year. And yet the Golden State Warriors, one of the worst teams in the league, just sold for $450 million.


Steve Jobs claimed in a new conference that the problems with the iPhone 4G are “overhyped.” Really, Steve…Does anyone at Apple really want to complain about “overhype?”


And okay, we all know that as far as sports it’s New York’s country, we just live in it, but get these “Top Stories” from SI.com.

“Stephen Strasburg smothers Marlins.” (Okay, he threw six shutout innings, allowing only four hits, in a 4-0 win and the bullpen held Florida scoreless for the last three innings.)
and
“Mets blanked again.” (In this game Barry Zito threw EIGHT shutout innings, with two hits, in a 1-0 game.)


The Beer Pitcher?

In many minor league baseball stadiums, there is a “beer batter.” One player on the visiting team is designated the “beer batcher,” and every time he strikes out, beer is discounted for the next inning.

After watching Brian Wilson of the SF Giants get another of his nail-biter saves, one run lead, gave up a single with two out, then a 3 to 1 count on the next batter before striking him out, maybe we should designate him the “Beer Pitcher.” While he usually comes in after beer sales have closed, how about letting fans save their ticket stubs from games he pitches in, for one discount beer at a future game? It would be well earned.

Sarah, we hardly knew ye…. Those were the good old days.

March 5, 2010

Sarah Palin is apparently shopping a proposal around for her own reality television show. This might mark the first time that “Sarah Palin” and “reality” have ever been used in the same sentence.


The reality show is being pitched as a series of one hour episodes. Which will all abruptly end after 38 minutes.

Barry Zito hit Prince Fielder today to retaliate for last season’s theatrical home run celebration. The Brewers’ first baseman, however, didn’t charge the mound. Probably because it was Zito’s fastball, and until the umpire told him to take a base, Fielder hadn’t even noticed he’d been hit.


Brett Favre appeared on the Tonight Show and told Leno he was noncommtal about next year. Funny, that was NBC’s exact stance in long-term negotiations with Jay.


So Brett Favre told Jay he was undecided about returning next season. Stay tuned tomorrow when the Tonight Show features Adam Lambert telling Leno he is still gay.


Baylor’s Brittney Griner, who is 6’7″ and can dunk, was ejected from a game and suspended for angrily punching an opponent in the nose. She’s been projected as both an WNBA superstar and a model. Well, I don’t know if she’ll be another Candace Parker, but unfortunately she’s looking like another Naomi Campbell.


The latest ethics violation charged to embattled New York Governor is that he illegally accepted free tickets to the first game of last year’s World Series. Well, at least that’s one thing that isn’t likely to happen anytime soon to a Governor of Illinois.


So Democratic New York Governor David Paterson is embroiled in several scandals and Congressman Charles Rangel is facing ethics investigations. Meanwhile, out in California, one of the state’s most anti-gay rights conservative senators – Republican Roy Ashburn of Bakersfield, was picked up for a DUI in Sacramento. With a male companion after leaving a gay nightclub.

It’s a shame that the one true nonpartisan part of U.S. politics seems to be stupidity.

From medals to bubbles….

March 3, 2010

How fickle are sports fans? In America the only numbers that matter have gone from US medal count of 37 to figuring out 64-65 teams in brackets.


Canada is still celebrating their gold medal in hockey. American sorrow and depression over the loss can be summed up in one word – “whatever.”

The San Jose Sharks were back in action today, with eight of their players who had played on various Olympic teams. They lost 4-3 at to the New Jersey Devils. Looks like the team’s already in post-season form.

There is some talk of the NCAA expanding the men’s basketball tournament to 96 teams. As if American worker productivity in March wasn’t bad enough already.


Mark McGwire’s brother Jay, says that writing his tell-all book was “cathartic.’ The same word that has been used by Agassi and others. Just a thought, if it’s the act of confessing onto paper that’s so important, haven’t any of these people considered a private diary?


Alex Kaseberg asks…” does anybody in the entire beautiful country actually know all the words to “Oh, Canada.? I would venture to add, a higher percentage than that of Americans who can actually hit all the notes in “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Senator Jim Bunning, who is retiring after this term, has been holding up unemployment benefits until Congress decides how to pay for them. I hope someday he applies the same standard to his own Senate pension.


And we wonder how Americans get the reputation for being both insensitive and clueless. Yesterday in our travel office, someone called up, no joke, and wanted to know if Hawaii would be offering discounts because of the tsunami.


Sarah Palin appeared on Tuesday night’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Actually Palin and Leno have something in common. Both left their main jobs last year. But in Leno’s case there were actually people who wanted him back.


Palin actually did a short stand-up comedy routine. But none of the jokes in the routine were as funny as the one she told about Fox News being impartial.


And then there was Sarah’s comment about getting back to the 5 “W’s. Who’s saying we should pay taxes, what is the purpose of taxes, when can we cut taxes, where does the government get off charging us taxes, and why can’t we just abolish the whole idea of taxes.

(one anonymous person on sfgate.com commented on Palin’s attempts at stand-up comedy “Keep your day job. Oops, wait, you already quit that.”)


The U.S. Supreme Court on Tuesday refused to block the District of Columbia’s gay marriage law. Proving, if nothing else, that even the conservative members of the court care about the service they get in the capital’s restaurants

Beyond “plausibly live.”

February 24, 2010

It’s hard to remember that it wasn’t that many Olympics ago that NBC coined the quaint term “plausibly live.” This year they aren’t even pretending.

“Plausibly live” actually might be a good term for the NBC’s regular season prime-time lineup.


You know there’s something wrong with television networks when “American Idol” is less tape delayed than the Winter Olympics.


Republicans are furious with new Senator Scott Brown. He campaigned as an “independent thinker.” And he had the audacity to actually vote like one..


Some Republicans are maybe just a little over-the-top upset at Scott Brown for voting “yes” on the jobs bill. In fact, rumor has it that Sarah Palin referred to his decision as “f**king retarded”.


Sarah Palin will be one of the first guests on the Tonight Show once Jay Leno returns after the Olympics. Leno is pulling out all the stops to make her feel welcome, apparently her dressing room will contain a personalized set of Magic Markers


A Kansas City Royals fan who was hit in the eye with a flying hot dog thrown by a team mascot during a game is suing the club for more than $25,000. The Royals are hoping both to settle the case, and to sign the mascot to a long-term contract. He could be the hardest thrower on the staff.

The NCAA has notified the University of Michigan that their football program is under investigation. But the University and coach Rich Rodriguez are not worried. With an 8-16 record over the last two seasons, it’s not like they’re going to be hurt by post-season probation.

Disgrunted Russian figure skater Evgeni Plushenko, still angry over not receiving a gold medal in Vancouver, has now awarded himself a “platinum” medal on his website. Even Ann Coulter is saying “that man is delusional.”

And think Canada might be getting over their hockey loss?



As the party in New Orleans continues…

February 9, 2010

Many observers are wondering about the answer to one question – will residents sober up in time for Mardi Gras?


Now that the Saints have won the Super Bowl, those paper bags that fans used to wear over their heads are gone for good. But in a humanitarian gesture, folks in New Orleans are sending their unused bags to Wrigley Field.


The Super Bowl attracted over 50 million viewers in the U.S., more than any televised program ever, surpassing the previously most-viewed final episode of MASH. That show aired in February 1983. To give you an idea who long ago that was, Brett Favre was just thinking about his first retirement, and “The Who” had just received their first social security payments.


This just in… FEMA sent a memo warning the City of New Orleans to hire extra police for crowd control because they think the Saints might do well in this year’s NFL playoffs.

Grumpy thought: The Saints won the NFL championship for the first time in their 43 year history in New Orleans, one of the longest droughts in sports. But let’s see, the baseball Giants moved to San Francisco in 1958 and their world championship total since is…. yep…. zero.
Although Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for using a teleprompter, it turns out she had crib notes on her hand during her “Tea Party” speech. This is shocking. Palin can read?


Sarah Palin said she might run for President in 2012. But first she has to decide on a few things. Like, if elected, who she will want as her replacement when she resigns in 2015.


And back in California, Meg Whitman has adjusted her first television commercial, where she said she had lived in California for over 30 years. Turns out she has lived in the state a total of 23 years. So her latest ad now says “many years.” But I don’t know, being off on the numbers by about 33 percent? In that way she’d fit right in in Sacramento.


In the ad she also complains about “professional politicians.” Well, this might be a first – someone putting that label on Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Who dat?

February 8, 2010

The full version of the slogan. “Who dat say going to beat dem Saints?”

Well, tonight, not the Colts.

Peyton Manning looked like a Hall of Fame quarterback in the fourth quarter tonight. Unfortunately for the Colts, it was Brett Favre.


Many pundits were wondering openly before the Super Bowl if Peyton Manning was the best quarterback of all time. Sunday he wasn’t even the best quarterback in the game.


What a night for Drew Brees. He had the highest percentage of completed passes by a young Super Bowl quarterback since Joe Namath was a good looking bachelor.

Many younger Super Bowl fans watched the halftime show and wondered “So who are The Who?” Even more wondered “What is pinball?”


Many younger Super Bowl viewers were confused tonight after the second quarter. They kept waiting for the CSI commercials to be over so the halftime show could start.


Next year’s Super Bowl will be in Dallas, Texas. Which means country music fans are hoping for a halftime show with Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift. But given the NFL’s proclivity for mature acts, I’m guessing a more likely duo will be Dolly Parton and Willie Nelson.


You think you had a bad week. How’d you like to be a football fan working at the Toyota plant in Indiana?


Commie pinko time.

Okay, follow me on this one, Sarah Palin said Rahm Emanuel calling liberal groups “retards” was “insensitive and indecent”, and an insult to her son and other disabled people. And Palin called for Emanuel to be fired. But when a certain talk show host used the SAME term to describe the SAME groups, she said “They are kooks, so I agree with Rush Limbaugh.” (Apparently it was okay because with Limbaugh it was satire.

How much do I want to hear Jon Stewart say “Now that logic is TRULY retarded!”?

Sarah Palin at one point in her speech to Tea Party supporters “how’s that hopey-changey thing working out for you?” For people who can pay over $500 to see her speak, I guess the answer is, reasonably well.