Posted tagged ‘Ohio State jokes’

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Copy not right?

September 11, 2019

LeBron James has been denied in his attempt to trademark the term “Taco Tuesday.” Gosh, I hope he’ll still be able to feed his family.

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Ohio State’s application to trademark “The” has been denied. Well, even Notre Dame thought “The” idea was ridiculously egocentric.

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ESPN reports ex-Arizona assistant men’s basketball coach “Book” Richardson told undercover FBI agents that he paid $40,000 to a high school coach to make sure Rawle Alkins was academically eligible.
Can’t wait to see how hard NCAA slaps the Wildcats on the wrist for this one.

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So Bob Baffert apparently got caught using a PED with #Justify and officials covered up the failed drug test. The real question, how many more times did he not get caught?

 

Regulators say they decided to drop inquiry on Justify after the Triple Crown with the reasoning that the colt’s positive PED could have come from eating contaminated food. A whole lot of ballplayers are going “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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Guessing more Americans might be upset that Team USA lost in FIBA basketball tournament if most Americans cared about any international tournament except the Olympics.

(and under “most Americans” – include all the NBA players who bailed.)

 

Fox News is all over one set of  parents of one 9-11 victim criticizing Rep. Omar for using the words “some people did something.” But I must have missed their even more scathing reaction to the idea of inviting the Taliban to Camp David the week of 9-11.

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Trump said today that US Food and Drug Administration would be putting out “some very strong recommendations” regarding the use of flavored e-cigarettes in “a couple of weeks.
Possible translation, he’s going to wait for Mitch McConnell to tell him how to exempt Kentucky companies?

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Trump talking about Melania wanting a flavored-tobacco vaping ban “That’s how the First Lady involved. She’s got a son — together — that’s a beautiful young man, & she feels very very strongly about it.” So is Barron the new Tiffany?

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Don’t get me wrong, good to see John Bolton gone. But T.S. Eliot was right “The last temptation is the greatest treason. To do the right thing, for the wrong reason.”

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Leaving the lights on.

November 28, 2016

So this year it’s the “Motel 6 Cactus Bowl,” on Dec. 27 in Phoenix. Do the winners all get a free night at a Motel 6, and the losers get two nights?

 

The Big Ten reprimanded Jim Harbaugh and fined Michigan $10,000 after Harbaugh complained bitterly about the officiating Saturday. A small excerpt “Two penalties called all day [on Ohio State “Multiple holding penalties let go, multiple false starts…”
So wonder if Wolverine backers already have a Gofundme account set up to pay the fines?

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Ohio State could make the College Football Playoff without winning their own division.   Would that make them an honorary member of the SEC?

 

A United flight from San Francisco to Tokyo had to return to the airport today following an engine failure after takeoff. No word about potential compensation for passengers, or about a future “engine” fee.

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Hoping the attacker ends up  the only fatality on OSU campus today. But my immediate bus-to-hell thought “Dudes, you won the game.”

That and “anyone seen Harbaugh this morning?.” #morebustohell

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Trump supporter NY Rep. Chris Collins today “”What do I know about Mitt Romney? I know that he’s a self-serving egomaniac who puts himself first, who has a chip on his shoulder, and thinks that he should be president of the United States.”
Does this even need a punchline?

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Trump is threatening to “terminate” deal that Obama made with Cuba. Does he realize even his supporters like cigars and rum?

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Apparently Twitter users are going after Ivanka Trump after she posted a picture of her youngest child, with the caption “I cannot believe Theodore is 8 months old today. Happy Birthday Little Teddy Bear.”
But come on, we all know the Trumps are so special they get birthdays every month. #onlythelittlepeoplejustgetonebirthday

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The NY Times reports that Steve Bannon talked to Julia Jones, a former partner on a Reagan film project, about “genetic superiority,” and “the desirability of limiting the vote to property owners.”
Ah yes, building that bridge to the 18th century

 

Trump is naming Georgia Rep. and Obamacare critic Tom Price as Secretary of Health and Human Services. Price tweeted “House Republicans’ #BetterWay plan will protect the principles of health care: Accessibility, Affordability, Quality, Innovation, & Choices.”.
Okay, fine, but how come all these GOP critics never thought health care needed reforming until Dems actually passed the ACA?

 

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Got to love this one forwarded to me by Roberta.

@stats_canada

In addition to winning the 1967 Stanley Cup, the Maple Leafs won all subsequent Cups if you deduct the dozens of teams who won illegally

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Playoffs, eh?

May 14, 2016

So the Air Canada Centre in Toronto is hosting an NBA  playoff game 7 on Sunday. And  Maple Leafs fans are going “What’s a game 7?” ‪

(one of myCanadian friends says they are asking “what’s a playoff?)

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The losers of the Ohio State spring football game were penalized by having to shovel mulch.  Of course, if Urban Meyer really wants to motivate players, he could make the losers go to class.

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Well, if you believe in redemption, here’s your potential made-for-TV sports movie story of the day. Matt Bush was the #1 MLB draft pick in 2004, and went off the rails big time. Drunken fights, accusations of assault, and finally 3 years in jail prison a DUI causing serious injury. He was released last December. And today the Texas Rangers have called him up to the big leagues. Who knows, maybe there’s hope for Johnny Manziel.

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A New York celebrity vegan chef who ran a restaurant called Pure Food and Wine has been arrested in Tennessee after a months’ long chase after she allegedly didn’t pay wages, and cheated on taxes etc. The best part of this, she and her husband were caught after they ordered a Domino’s pizza.

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SF Giants’ closer Santiago Casilla, upset when manager Bruce Bochy pulled him in the 9th with two outs, and a 4-2 lead, after he had loaded the bases, the last on a 4 pitch walk, and was facing a batter who hit a home run against him last time. “It’s my opportunity to find out who’s who…. You have to let me try to see if I can get him out.”
Uh, or maybe you have to let Bochy try to see if the Giants could win the game?

 

(although curiously enough three things happened Friday.  1. Casilla apologized.  2. Bochy gave him another chance. 3. He struck out both batters.)

 

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If it’s all about keeping children safe from potential predators, waiting for someone to demand that priests be kept out of men’s rooms.

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Donald Trump to a reporter who asked about his tax returns: “It’s none of your business, you’ll see it when I release.”
Ah yes, only the little people answer questions about their taxes.

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Apparently a man offering “free hugs” in Times Square slugged a Canadian woman in the face after she refused to tip him. Well, or maybe that’s his idea of a New York hug.

 

Jose Reyes was suspended 51 days over his domestic violence arrest. Imagine if he had done something really serious, like buying an over-the-counter supplement in the Dominican Republic.

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Deja vu all over again

December 29, 2015

 

Apparently ANOTHER video of Johnny Manzel drinking and partying has surfaced, this time from Christmas Eve in someone’s home. These regular pools are getting too easy – congrats to anyone who has the November 21-December 24 exacta.

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Maybe not a moment of silence for the great  Harlem Globetrotters’ Meadowlark Lemon – wouldn’t it be more appropriate if we all hummed a few bars of “Sweet Georgia Brown?”

Hope watching the Philadelphia 76ers this year gave ‪#‎MeadowlarkLemon‬ some last warm memories of the Washington Generals.

 

Ohio State star RB Ezekiel Elliott, the team’s leading rusher, was cited after a “minor car crash” yesterday in Columbus in which one passenger sustained minor injuries. The citations were for “driving under suspension, driving without a license and failure to control his car.” An OSU spokesman said the incident will not affect Elliott’s status for the Fiesta Bowl Friday. “I am shocked” said nobody who knows Urban Meyer.

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A former N.J. police officer who admitted to having sex with multiple women on duty, including inside his car, now is contending that he shouldn’t have been fired over the trysts. And so will he also demand a retro-active bonus for multitasking?

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A 21 year-old Dartmouth College swimmer has died at a YMCA pool after trying to complete four laps underwater without surfacing to breathe. Awful for his family, but proof again that IQ points are no deterrent from a Darwin award.

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Aroldis Chapman, under investigation for a domestic violence incident where he admitted to firing a gun several times in his garage, has been traded to the Yankees. Well, that ought to make the Bronx Bombers even more popular outside New York.

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The four top seeds in the NFL playoffs may be the Patriots, Cardinals, Bengals and Panthers. Are we sure those last three aren’t a sign of the apocalypse?

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#‎NFL‬ arrests are down this year. Still, always seems a bit odd to hear referee after the coin toss say “Good luck, gentlemen.” ‪#‎Gentlemen‬?

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Former Louisiana State Representative and KKK Leader David Duke says that while he likes Donald Trump, “I don’t agree with everything he says, he speaks a little more, actually he speaks a lot more radically than I talk.” ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎nottheOnion‬.

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Holland America Line says that “Dancing with the Stars At Sea” is going away. This news no doubt disappoints tens of thousands of women and about two men.

 

‪#‎AshleyMadison‬ says they have added 4 million new users since their July hack. Two words: death wish.

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David Spade, one of that rare breed of Hollywood Republicans, is criticizing Barack and Michelle Obama for their appearances on reality TV, saying the President is “thirsty,” and “should have a little more dignity.”
So what’s next, Spade’s endorsement of Donald Trump?

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In Toronto, police are looking for the driver of a Lamborghini who crashed into another car this morning, then was picked up by BMW and fled the scene. Hmm…..any chance that affluenza kid and his mom from Texas headed north?

(Breaking news just when i posted this, he may have been caught in Mexico.)

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From Marc Ragovin:   “The NBA has suspended Memphis guard Matt Barnes two games for his role in a preseason fight with Knicks’ coach Derek Fisher. Asked if would appeal the penalty, the chastened Grizzlie said he would “just grin and bear it.”

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Shaking and baking.

January 11, 2015

In 2011, stomping Seattle Seahawks’ fans caused vibrations that were picked up by an earthquake sensor. So this weekend, scientists placed monitors at Century Link Field to test new earthquake alert technology.. They would have done the same thing at Lambeau Field had they known Chris Christie would be in the owners box.

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NY Jets RB Chris Johnson was arrested last night in Orlando and charged with open carry of a firearm. This may not be what the Jets had in mind for having higher caliber players in the offseason.

 

So George Zimmerman’s latest arrest was allegedly for throwing a wine bottle at his girlfriend. Shocking. With wine involved, I would have expected a box.

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A new study indicates fish oil “really can help boost our memory.” Okay, so why do “catch and release” fishermen keep catching the same fish?

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The NY Knicks have now lost 15 in a row. At this point the team would be underdogs against the Washington Generals.

 

Lebron James “helped facilitate” a gift of Beats by Dre headphones to all Ohio State players before Monday’s college football championship. But the school says the headphones were “donated” and not a violation of NCAA rules. And some former Buckeyes are thinking “he couldn’t have ‘helped facilitate” those tattoos?

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Apparently Oregon’s Darren Carrington failed his drug test BEFORE the Rose Bowl, but the test results didn’t come back until this week. Gosh. If the lab had been quicker FSU might have only lost by 30.

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Although, let’s see, marijuana…?  With the Ducks’ speed have to wonder if the Buckeyes have petitioned the NCAA to let the entire Oregon team have a medical marijuana exemption before the game.

 

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One thing we learned during the Patriots-Ravens game  – so the refs CAN call a penalty for leaving the sideline to run onto the field. And that giant howl you may have heard came from all ‪#‎Lions‬ fans & ‪#‎Cowboys‬ haters. ‪#‎BALvsNE‬

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Are you ready for some football? (And baseball.)

September 6, 2014

Oops. ESPN headline   “Runs could be scarce when David Price and the Tigers host Madison Bumgarner and the Giants this afternoon.”  (Not only did the Giants win 5-4, it was 4 to 2 after the first.)

 

 

Nice win for #SFGiants vs Detroit. But Miguel Cabrera against Romo? You could probably have gotten better odds that Miggy WOULDN’T have hit a home run. #sfgiants #hangingslider.

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Beginning to think the 2014 SF Giants strategy is to save all their hits for the first and last two months of the season?

 

Too much bad stuff for one post after Stanford USC game today. But for starters. 6 Red Zone chances for the Cardinal, 10 points. And two PUNTS for Stanford from USC 32 and 29 year line. Closer than the Trojans were when they kicked their 53 yard game-winning FG. #choke

 

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Well at least that #stanford fumble saved fans the agony of watching Williamson miss another field goal. #uscvsstan

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Though to be honest, happiest people watching USC vs. Stanford game had to be #Oregon fans. Both teams looked bad.

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And USC athletic director Pat Haden actually left his spot in the press box  and came down to the field to argue with referees during the Stanford game.  Wonder if Haden gets equally involved if some professor is about to flunk his players?

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San Jose State made $1.5 million to travel to Auburn to play the Tigers, , where they were 31 point underdogs. So was one of the oddmakers in Vegas a Spartans alum?

 

Kei Nishikori upset Novak Djokovic. A match that fans of underdogs and Scrabble players must have loved. #usopen.

 

 

Karma’s a mean b*tch. Or maybe just likes blue. Before the Virginia Tech game,  Urban Meyer made ESPN announcers who visited the Buckeyes’ practice change their blue shirts to red and white OSU shirts. Since blue is Michigan’s color…..  (For non-college football fans, Virginia Tech upset Ohio State, in Columbus.)

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In general, the Big Ten is looking like an oxymoron.

 

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Scotland is set to vote September 18 on breaking away from the United Kingdom. And a new Sunday Times poll shows independence winning 51% to 49%.    If this secession happens can the US suggest it to Texas?

 

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Watching #Oregon football highlights. Still can’t pick out where they keep the generator to plug in those uniforms.

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What’s the word, or rather, the letter?

November 29, 2013

Ohio governor John Kasich has posted a resolution urging state residents to boycott using the letter “M” Saturday when Ohio State plays Michigan. One word. “Orons”

 

Two men were arrested after a fight in a Virginia Walmart over a parking place resulted in one of them being stabbed. If only the other shoppers had been armed.

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Where’s the anti-spam device we really need right now? The one that zaps EVERY message with “Black Friday” in it in our in-boxes.

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Thanksgiving fell on the first night of Hanukkah. Wonder how many Jewish Americans got a little tipsy and tried to light one leg of the turkey on fire?

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Okay, now scientists say comet ISON may have survived its trip around the sun. Or part of it,, or maybe it did flame out. Where’s Monty Python when you need them? “Not dead, sleeping…”

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Maybe we should rename the ISON comet for the city of Green Bay. Because this year it flamed out faster than the Packers.

 

Demi Moore, 51, and Ashton Kutcher, 35, have finalized their divorce. And Kutcher reportedly will marry Mila Kunis, 30. Well at least he’s not marrying one of Demi’s kids.

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Apparently there’s a backlash on Twitter and other social media over Carrie Underwood’s starring in NBC’s live broadcast of “The Sound of Music.” Okay, two things. One, as much as I love the Julie Andrews version, the movie itself was a remake of a Broadway play with Mary Martin. And two, it’s NBC, so who’s going to watch anyway?

 

 

 

The NBA fined him $50,000. And Jason Kidd now says he was just “trying to win” but spilling a drink as a stall tactic was “something I probably shouldn’t have done.” Translation, it would have been much easier to have a player feign injury

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Nets coach Jason Kidd has been fined 50,000 dollars for spilling a soda on the court to stop the game. And in Utah the Jazz coach has to be wondering what it would take to stop the whole season.

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The Baltimore Ravens are angry about Steelers’ coach Mike Tomlin being on the field yesterday and keeping Jacoby Jones from scoring on a kickoff return. But rumor has it Tomlin has been offered a contract to join the Redskins’ defense.

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The Washington Wizards have won three in a row and five of six. Can we blame Obama?

The bad news for Fresno State. They lost to San Jose State today 62-52. The good news for Fresno State. They didn’t lose 102-52 in a BCS bowl.

 

 

Fresno State’s loss to San Jose State means that Northern Illinois will probably get a chance to erase their fans’ memories of a blowout BCS bowl loss last year to Florida State. This year the NIU Huskies will probably get blown out by Oklahoma State.

 

 

 

American Express is making their annual big deal about “Small Business Saturday” where they encourage everyone to work with local small companies. Unless that small company is for example, a travel agency that competes with American Express.

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Saturday Night Late.

October 2, 2011

Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?

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Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.

The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.

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Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.

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Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?

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A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”

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Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.

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Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”

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Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.

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Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”

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The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

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At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.

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Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”

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Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”

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Opening night.

September 9, 2011

The NFL opened their season Thursday night. Although the Saints-Packers was hardly the first professional game of the year. The Canadian Football League has been going since July, and Ohio State and Miami kicked off last week.

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Some derided President Obama for his choice to finish his jobs speech in time for the NFL opener. But Barack didn’t think he could get re-elected with just the women’s vote.

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The NFL is now directing all teams to post out-of-town statistics on their scoreboards for Fantasy Football players. Guess they want fans in Carolina to be able to go to the stadium and hope to see SOME good news.

San Diego is completely without power tonight. So for Padres fans, it’s business as usual.

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Ohio State explained today why three football players were suspended for the opening game against Akron: They each took $200 at a Cleveland charity event. Responded the Miami Hurricanes -“$200? Wow. Buckeye boosters are pikers.”

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So if the Pac 12 turns into the Pac 16, how long before the West Coast members consider breaking away to form their own Pac 8?

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A Mississippi man was arrested for shoplifting while trying to leave a grocery store with items stuffed into his shorts including two live lobsters. Wonder if he was caught because he was singing soprano?

(My friend Bill Dwan adds – could be worse, he could have had crabs.)

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Ben and Jerry’s have come out with a new flavor – “Schweddy Balls,” named after the famous SNL skit with Alec Baldwin.

Insert “More than a mouthful” joke here: (And of course, other punchlines always encouraged.)

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Michele Bachman stated she felt she felt “deeply disappointed” by the president’s jobs speech and said Congress should avoid passing his plan. Fair enough, but does anyone doubt that she wrote her response before Obama wrote his speech?

(Meanwhile, no response yet from Sarah Palin. Maybe she couldn’t read the writing on her palms.)

As the NFL season gets underway, there’s a new favorite in the AFC South. The Houston Texans. By a neck.

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Okay, we all know how valuable Peyton Manning has been. But what if he turns out to have been so valuable that the Colts end up the worst team in the NFL this year…. Do they go for Andrew Luck?

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I probably differ with many Democrats in that I liked California Governor Jerry Brown’s veto of a proposed helmet law for children skiing or snowboarding. His reasoning, that while it’s a good idea, “Not every human problem deserves a law.”

Just wish that some conservatives applauding the decision would apply the same standards to issues of perceived “morality.” (Gay marriage for starters, but the list goes on.)

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Tiger who?

August 12, 2011

Tiger Woods shot a 77 Thursday and is danger of missing the PGA tournament cut. At this point Tiger’s media attention to success ratio is approaching that of the New York Mets.

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During the PGA first round Thursday, Tiger Woods spent so much time in the sand and the water, his next gig could be an audition for one of those Corona beer on the beach commercials.

NFL league officials say they haven’t yet made a decision on whether former Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor will be eligible for the supplemental draft. I’m not sure Pryor gets it, he allegedly offered the officials “some really cool Sugar Bowl memorabilia.”

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The latest potential college football conference consolidation may have Texas A & M moving to the SEC. (Southeastern Conference) Well, I guess College Station is kinda sorta Southeast Texas. Well, east anyway. And south of Dallas.

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from Bill Littlejohn regarding the same Texas A & M/SEC rumor: “Aggie enthusiasts are just waiting for ratification of the new SEC booster-player Collective Bargaining Agreement”

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There’s already controversy over the ESPN-owned “Longhorn Network,” which will premiere August 26 with continuous coverages of University of Texas sports. Well, at least the new channel will be more honestly named than ESPN itself, which this time of year is basically the “Yankees-Red Sox Network.”

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Whatever you think of “entitlements,” this week with the stock markets might be a good time to remember George W. Bush wanted to privatize social security.

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Some compare the stock market to a roller coaster. Although stock markets have brakes.

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You really can’t make this stuff up. Mitt Romney, answering a heckler in Iowa. “Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” (Well, some of the people anyway.)

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If “corporations are people.” Can I incorporate myself and drive in the carpool lane?

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The PGA tournament first round leader is actually the #2 ranked American golfer in the world. Yeah, I didn’t know his name either.’

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Florida Atlantic (and former Miami) football coach Howard Schnellenberger, 77, has announced he will retire from coaching after this season. Responded Joe Paterno. “So young?”

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In response to a petition urging Bert and Ernie to get married, the Sesame Street producers issued a statement saying “they are just good friends.” Amazed Marcus Bachmann hasn’t issued a followup statement claiming credit

And for anyone who has heard all the “sexist” claims about Michele Bachmann being asked about “submitting to her husband,” there’s a bit of history being left out of some stories.

In 2006, Bachmann said in a speech that her husband Marcus told her “to go and get a post-doctorate degree in tax law.” Which she didn’t particularly want to do, but she was certain God was speaking through her husband.

“Why should I go and do something like that?” she recalled thinking. “But the Lord says, ‘Be submissive wives; you are to be submissive to your husbands.'”

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Wonder if Bachmann will fall back on Newt Gingrich’s line from earlier this year – “Any ad which quotes what I said is a falsehood.”

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Pay for performance?

August 6, 2011

The U.S economy still sputters and our credit rating gets dropped to AA+. So when will all those in Congress who want to tie teacher pay to performance agree to make the same deal with their own salaries and results?

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The Senate passed a stop-gap bill to put furloughed FAA employees back to work. No word yet on if the bill includes funding for milk and cookies for controllers at naptime.
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Ohio State football players have been told to stop wearing wristbands saying “J.T.” in support of fired coach Jim Tressel. But really, the players’ regret at losing him is understandable. Many of them have had to take serious salary cuts.

So how weirdly 21st century is this real television ad? – “Fiber One 90 calorie brownies – In the granola bar aisle.”

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Listening to baseball commentators say about an umpire, “he’s got a good strike zone.” Well, I get what they mean, I think, but isn’t the rule book, not the umpire, supposed to determine the strike zone? (Yeah, we can dream, anyway.)

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From Bill Littlejohn: Baseball has sent a warning to its major and minor league players concerning steroid alternatives—-stop ingesting deer antler spray.Bud Selig reportedly said, ‘The Buck Stops Here'”

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Standard and Poor’s downgraded the U.S. credit rating from AAA to AA tonight. In related news, the IRS said that their announced plan to increase audits of ratings analysts was just a concidence.

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A-Rod is not talking about allegations that he was involved in illegal poker games. When will these guys learn? If you really want to do some high-stakes gambling, invest in the stock market.

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With the FAA funding mess, Donna Brazile accused House Republicans of “playing chicken with American jobs.” Not true replied the GOP. We’re only playing chicken with Obama’s job. The rest are just collateral damage.

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MLB sources are indicating A-Rod will not be suspended, despite the allegations of illegal poker games, along with continuing talk about his association with a Canadian doctor known to have prescribed HGH. Proving once again – the Yankees are basically MLB’s version of an SEC football team

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Shame that Eli Whiteside might get suspended for his part in tonight’s Giants-Phillies brawl. Best hitting game the Giants catcher has had all season.

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Trivial rant: Open up most packaged food and the contents fill up about 2/3 of the packaging. The only container that is filled to the absolute brim – microwaveable soups. (Not that anything could go wrong with a full plastic container of boiling liquid.)

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The Prince and the Captain.

July 9, 2011

 

 

Many Los Angeles television viewers are annoyed at all the media coverage of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s visit; they don’t see the point in celebrating people who are only famous because of an accident of birth. Especially when the coverage pre-empts “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

 

The NCAA has officially accepted West Virginia’s self-imposed sanctions over football recruiting issues. Two years probation, whatever tha means, and NO post-season bowl ban. Good to know that despite the NFL lockout we still have professional football in this country.

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These days President Obama is being criticized by both the right and the left on his negotiations with Congress. About the only thing he could do to please both sides is figure out a way to keep Casey Anthony in jail longer.

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Michele Bachmann has now signed a 14-point pledge from the conservative Iowa Christian group “Family Leader.” The ninth pledge includes banning “all forms of pornography.” Well, this should get her the votes of about 10 men.

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The “Family Leader” pledge also includes a reference to America’s children as “the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy.”  Uh, does this mean for example Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edward’s love children don’t count?

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Houston Rockets center Yao Ming is retiring after nine NBA season. And in another illustration of why the 7’6″ center has been so beloved by fans, he didn’t announce the decision on an ESPN special.

(Alex Schubert said,  “Yao would have played longer if he hadn’t hit his head on the rim so many times.)

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Ohio State University just announced it is “vacating” all 10 wins from 2010 season and placing itself on two years’ probation.  Although the probation will not include any postseason bowl bans.

Why don’t we just place an asterisk on all these BCS trophies and be done with it?

R.I.P. Betty Ford. For years she was known as Gerald’s Ford’s wife. But history may well footnote him as her husband.

 

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Derek Jeter is two hits shy of 3000. Plans to celebrate at Yankee Stadium allegedly include trumpets blaring, with a modest little chorus of angels floating in from on high.

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Some think the ball that becomes Derek Jeter’s 3,000th hit could be worth as much as $250,000 to the whoever ends up with it.  Well, considering that Jeter is hitting .257 this year with TWO home runs, it’s not likely that ball will end up with a fan in the stands.

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Michele Bachmann is starting to run her first television ad in Iowa, titled “Waterloo.” “Waterloo?” Really? The ad has guitar music playing in the backgroud. Guess it’s a good thing Bachmann couldn’t afford the rights to the ABBA Song. (I feel like I win when I lose, etc…)

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Not standing the Heat.

June 8, 2011

Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.

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More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night.    Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd.  Just videos of  Lebron James’s play in Game 4. 

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Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”

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As far as politics, however,  what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.

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Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.

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Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.

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Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.

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But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia.  Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls.   As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it. 

Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning

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At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.

 

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Amateur status?

June 1, 2011

Well the Buckeyes players may have lost their amateur status.  But the cover-up certainly qualified.

 

So the Dodgers will make their regular payroll on time this month. But it looks like the Ohio State football team won’t……

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Ohio State star Terrelle Pryor has reportedly driven as many as eight cars in his three years in Columbus. Who does Pryor think he is? Jay Leno?

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From Gary Morton, “Look for Tressel to host QVS’s new Saturday Sports show this fall – Lord of the Rings.”

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Wonder how hard it was for SI to make the decision to publish the article that finally brought down Tressel. Took a lot of cajones to take on one of college football’s sacred cows, or maybe I should say “sacred buckeyes.”

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Maybe once OSU ends up on probation, they can talk to USC about playing a charity exhibition game instead of a bowl game this year.  The game could be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

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Open note to all sports fans, if you’re praying or wishing, be as specific as possible. Wonder how many SF Giants fans prayed or wished last week that catcher Buster Posey wouldn’t take any more foul tips off his mask this season?

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In Detroit, the Tigers beat the Twins 6-5 Sunday, and the winning run scored on a ball hit down the line where the umpires ruled spectator interference. Well, I guess that answers the question “Whatever happened to Steve Bartman?”

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According to the World Health Organization, cell phone use is in the same “carcinogenic hazard” category as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform. So this doesn’t mean that people will stop being rude while using cellphones, but at least they probably won’t be around as long.

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The Illinois legislature has voted to allow slot machines in Chicago airports. But most frequent travelers would say you’re already gambling every time you plan to connect in O’Hare.

 

Alaska Airlines plans to be the first airline to replace their pilot manuels with iPads. And the trend could catch on. Besides eliminating about 25 pounds of paper per flight, the iPads would be an easy way for pilots to store all their cocktail recipes.

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Rush Limbaugh says he doesn’t really believe  Congressman Anthony Weiner’s story that a hacker was responsible for tweeting a picture of him in his underwear to a young woman. But Rush also said he didn’t think it was a big deal. Scary translation, does this mean Rush has tweeted his own “brief” picture to someone?

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“Where’s the Birth Certificate?”, a book written by Jerome Corsi that still claims President Obama was not born in the U.S, has debuted at #6 on the New York Times bestseller list. Makes a certain amount of sense. One of the most popular book categories in stressful times is “fantasy.”

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Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had nothing but positive words for each other today after they met briefly in Trump’s penthouse in Manhattan. Amazing, both those egos fit into a single room?

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Alas poor Tressel.

May 31, 2011

We thought we knew him.

 

There are rumors that Ohio State coach Jim Tressel’s resignation was actually a “resign or be fired” situation. But no one will probably ever know for sure; Tressel’s playing it pretty close to the vest.

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Wonder if Tressell will follow Pete Carroll to the NFL. Since he’s already has plenty of experience in dealing with well-paid players.

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No news on what the NCAA might do to the Ohio State program with the most recent revelations. But it’s increasingly looking like a good bet that Buckeye players won’t have any bowl memorabilia to sell this year.

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And somewhere, the headstone on Woody Hayes’ grave has probably become a pinwheel.

 

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Who’d a thunk that the Bill Martin, the Michigan athletic director who hired Rich Rodriguez, might end up looking better than Ohio State AD Gene Smith.

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At least Rich Rodriguez’s players never really got any good bowl memorabilia to sell.

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Today the NCAA announced which men’s baseball teams have qualified for the tournament leading to the College World Series. Much disappointment in Minnesota – fans hoped the Twins would get at least a six seed.

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FIFA president Sepp Blatter says that bribery allegations had done “great damage” to the soccer governing body’s image. Well, not exactly, no one outside of FIFA has thought for a long time that they had a reputation left to ruin.

 

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Today the NCAA announced which men’s baseball teams have qualified for the tournament leading to the College World Series. Much disappointment in Minnesota – fans hoped the Twins would get at least a six seed.

 

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Meanwhile Sarah Palin’s One Nation Bus (and Motorcycle) Tour is on its way, even if the itinerary is a closely guarded secret, even and especially from the media.

Palin did stop at Mount Vernon, where she proclaimed George Washington her “Favorite Founding Father.”

Uh, has anyone told Sarah that when he crossed the Delaware, Washington didn’t do the truly brave thing, and stop half way?

Now, originally in 2010 when Palin was asked by Glenn Beck who her favorite founding father was, she said “all of them,” and only settled on Washington when pressed “because he was almost reluctant to serve as president too and that’s who you need to find to serve in government, in a bureaucracy — those who you know will serve for the right reasons….”

“For the right reasons?”  Are we talking about choosing presidents , or picking a winner on “the Bachelorette?”

 

and finally back to sports from T.C.   JR Hildebrand has sent Jean Van de Velde a friend request

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Parenthetical thoughts…

May 28, 2011

Maybe a few history classes wouldn’t have hurt. Michelle Bachman got into trouble before for saying (twice) that the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hampshire. Now she is kicking off her presidential campaign in Iowa. In the town of Waterloo.

(but who knows, maybe Bachman thinks the line “where Napoleon met his Waterloo” refers to a woman he was dating?)

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Sarah Palin has apparently authorized a feature film about her career. The film has an announced running time of two hours but will stop halfway through.

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Ray Small, former Ohio State WR, is claiming a student newspaper “twisted his words” about teammates selling their rings and getting car deals, and has retracted the statements. Although the newspaper editor says “everything Small said is recorded.” Well, when Small decides he is completely done with football, he has a great future working for Newt Gingrich.

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Governor Jan Brewer is going to court to fight the state’s voter approved medical marijuana law.   So let me get this straight, Brewer trusts the people of Arizona to make the decision to carry a gun around, but not to light up a joint?

(Based on events in Arizona and Florida over the last several years, I am beginning to think that too much sun rots your brain.)

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Meanwhile, over in Texas,  Governor Rick Perry is the latest to talk about running for President in 2012. Uh, Rick, with all this talk of secession for the Lone Star state, wouldn’t that make you no longer born in the U.S?

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A new CNN poll shows Rudy Giuliani, who is not even an announced candidate, leads all GOP presidential contenders. Presume “None of the above” was not an option?

(My friend Scott Russell has an idea, if “none of the above” is the biggest vote getter in an election, throw both candidates out and start over.)

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If you think golf needs Tiger Woods, how about women’s tennis needing the Williams sisters? The two top seeds, Kim Clijsters and Caroline Wozniacki, are both out of the French Open. And the response of most sports fans – “Who and who?”

 

 

Aubrey Huff, batting .212, hit cleanup again for the SF Giants today. Now, I love Aubrey, and we pronounce our last names the same way, but these days the only cleanup he’s doing well is helping the opposing pitchers clean up their messes.

(of course I wrote the above before the game, and he got two hits, so am posting it so as not to mess with success.)

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Meanwhile, at home plate, Eli Whiteside over Prince Fielder by TKO.

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No warming trend for these Heat.

March 9, 2011

The Miami Heat lost their FIFTH game in a row tonight, 105-96 to the Portland Traiiblazers.. Even without a punchline, I just like writing it.

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What do you call five Heat losses in a row?  A good start.

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So will the theme song for this year’s Miami team in the NBA playoffs be “The Heat is Gone?”

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Starbucks is celebrating their 40th anniversary. What they are really celebrating these days, however, is that gas prices are making their coffee prices almost look reasonable.

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Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel will be fined $250k and suspended for the first two games of the season for ignoring the fact his players were selling memorabilia. The first two games of the 2011 for the Buckeyes are against Akron and Toledo. So who is this OSU athletic director and when did he transfer from the SEC ?  (Or USC.)

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Buckeyes’ coach Jim Tressel apparently ignored the fact that his star players were selling memorabilia, because he “wanted to keep the team together.” And of course he was following OSU’s version of the honor code: “Beat Michigan.”

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Texas Tech let Bobby Knight’s son Pat go as head coach after three seasons. Unfortunately it turns out he couldn’t hold a chair to his father.

(or as Alex Kaseberg says “The chair didn’t fall far from the tree.”)

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Mike Huckabee says of the controversy around last week’s other incendiary comments  “Well, I can’t be both. I can’t be the dumbest guy in the room and the smartest guy in the room at the same time.”

Uh, Mike, no one is accusing you of the latter.

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Mike Huckabee’s latest defense over his most recent controversy is that he “didn’t bring Natalie Portman up at all,” suggesting that radio host Michael Medved was the one who dragged Portman into the discussion. You have to love it. Huckabee, of course, is running on a platform of personal responsibility.

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Tuesday was Mardi Gras.  Now Mardi Gras translates literally  to “Fat Tuesday.” Which means the day has really transplanted Thanksgiving as the most American of holidays

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for Canadian readers:  (or anyone interested in politics north of the border.)

At least four Canadian government departments have reported that they received a directive late last year that the words “Government of Canada” in federal communications be replaced with “Harper Government.” This is why many Canadians are beginning to believe that God has a Stephen Harper complex.

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Biblical updates..

September 5, 2009

Apparently a modernized New International Version of the Bible is due out in 2011. While the idea is to make the Bible more accessible to younger people, I am not sure how I feel about “And God changed Adam’s status to ‘in a relationship.'”

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Brett Favre is currently doing a Wrangler’s commercial, with the tag line “When I think of value, I think of Wrangler, always have.” Stand by for next week, when Favre makes his first appearance for Levis.

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Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount was suspended for the year for punching a Boise State player who taunted him after the game Thursday night. On a brighter note, he might be offered a tryout with the San Francisco Giants, who are getting desperate looking for ANYONE who can hit.

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Forbes just published a little of the world’s happiest cities. The only American city on the list. San Francisco. Let’s see, 49ers, Giants, As, Raiders, Warriors… Pretty obvious the study wasn’t co-sponsored by Sports Illustrated.

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Ohio State paid $1 million to Navy to play the Buckeyes in their season opener. It was the first meeting between the teams since 1931. And Ohio State escaped with a four point win on an interception of a potential game-tying two point conversion. The Buckeyes plan to invite the Midshipmen back again, in about another 78 years.
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Let’s see, paying $1 million almost to be embarrassed on national television. For that amount couldn’t Ohio State have come up with more of a sure thing, like playing the Detroit Lions?

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A $1 million payment to Navy to almost be embarrassed on national television. Suddenly the Pentagon looks like responsible spenders.

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So Heisman winner Sam Bradford turned down millions in the NFL this year to return to Oklahoma. He was injured in the first game of the year, will be out indefinitely, and the Sooners were upset by BYU. The happiest people outside Utah? Anyone on the 49ers involved in negotiations with Michael Crabtree.
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Republicans are up in arms over President Obama’s plan to speak to the nation’s schoolchildren Tuesday, because they feel that somehow the speech encourage the children to become Democrats. They would have far preferred Vice President Biden say a “few words,” as they feel that would have helped the children become Republicans.

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