Posted tagged ‘OSU jokes’

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Nothing is Urban Meyer’s fault

November 1, 2015

Ohio State starting QB J.T. Barrett, 20, was arrested for alleged DUI after police saw him trying to evade a checkpoint. Urban Meyer has suspended him for the Buckeyes’ game against Minnesota, Nov 7, but Barrett will be back for games against Michigan State and Michigan. Well, of course he will. ‪#‎UrbanMeyer‬

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Great timing at least on the arrest of OSU’s starting QB, he will be back from his one game suspension in time for the mid-November release of coach Urban Meyer’s new book “Above the Line: Lessons in Leadership and Life.”

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Kentucky coach John Calipari drew the order for today’s Breeder’s Cup Classic horse race. Makes sense, Calipari is a good fit with talented young athletes who don’t go to class.

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So it wasn’t the  Triple Crown, but ‪#‎AmericanPharoah‬ put on another damned impressive performance. Spend 2 minutes if you can and watch the replay ‪#‎BreedersCup‬

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Tim Tebow went as a SWAT officer for Halloween. Good thing it’s just a costume, with Tebow’s reputation for accuracy this is one guy you probably don’t ever want to see in a job needing a gun.

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So the RNC is so upset at CNBC parent NBC they have suspended future debates. But Donald Trump, who complained as much as anyone, doesn’t seem angry enough to give up the SNL hosting. ‪#‎nosuchthingasbadpublicity‬?

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It wasn’t that long ago that if someone told you Duke was favored over Miami you would think it had to be basketball

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So how did Miami score that game-winning touchdown against Duke without the help of the Stanford band?

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Better to be lucky than good? Or lucky and good? ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎wideright‬

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Royals fans at Kaufmann Stadium were surprisingly nice last year about the SF Giants and friendly to their fans. Just guessing that assuming the World Series goes back to Kansas City, the Mets’ Noah Syndergaard made sure that won’t happen again.

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After a costly E-4 tonight for Daniel Murphy, beginning to think that Westboro Baptist Church endorsement might not have been the best karma for the Mets second baseman.

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So the 49ers are having a disappointing season, their QB is regressing, and fans are having a hard time selling unused tickets. What does the team do… waive one of the few popular players – former Australian Rugby League star Jarryd Hayne.
Winning with class or losing with an ass? ‪#‎JedYork‬

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In California, four cities haven’t cut their water use enough during the drought and will be fined $61,000 apiece – the Coachella Valley Water District, Indio, Redlands, and Beverly Hills. Okay, $61,000 for the city of Beverly Hills?! On Rodeo Drive that’s almost enough to buy a purse.

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On Halloween, what could possibly be scarier than the fact that Ben Carson and Donald Trump are leading the GOP polls?

Chris Christie, angry with a NY Times editorial that suggested he drop out of the Presidential race and go back to doing his job in NJ, where he has lost touch. “They are worried I will beat their candidate, Hillary Clinton.”
Uh, Governor Christie, it actually might be proof you’re out of touch if you think the Times has been pro-Hillary Clinton

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Swoosh for Surrender?

January 13, 2015

Maybe it was the white uniforms? ‪#‎Itsnoteasynotbeinggreen‬?

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Ohio State beat Oregon handily, despite a steady stream of turnovers.  Good thing the National championship trophy has been changed from crystal to metal, in case the Buckeyes drop it.

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Okay, the question of the night. How did Ohio State lose, to Virginia Tech, by 14, at home? (35-21) ‪

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At least Children in Africa should be getting some really colorful “‪#‎Oregon‬ National Championship” shirts later this week.

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Lots of experts opining pre-game on whether Oregon or Ohio State would win the national championship tonight. Of course, most of these experts predicted the game would be between Florida State and Alabama.

 

Who’d a thunk it? The happiest and most productive recent Heisman winner in this postseason might well be Tim Tebow. ‪#‎NationalChampionship‬

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Wonder if suspended ‪#‎OregonDucks‬ players might be planning a party to console teammates when they get home? ‪#‎brownies‬? ‪#‎CFBChampionship‬

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Once again, a big game ended after midnight on the East Coast. No complaints out in California, but pretty clear ESPN and NCAA don’t really give a damn about anyone who has work or school tomorrow

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Yesterday was the 14th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” day in New York City. And presumably today is the 14th annual “Celebrate Handi Wipes” day.

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Sad news from Texas. Two people who entered a pen containing two female camels and a male camel in rut were trampled to death this weekend by the male camel. Rut ro.

 

A Disney Cruise ship rescued a Royal Caribbean passenger who fell overboard off the coast of Mexico. Of course, after hearing “Let it Go” for the 100th time, the man probably had to be restrained by Disney crew from jumping back over the rails.

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Ted Cruz is the latest to jump on the “We needed to show more solidarity with France by being at the rally” bandwagon, and he wrote an op-ed about it for Time. Feel that strongly about it, Senator? Post some of those Charlie Hebdo cartoons on your website.

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Bills owner Terry Pegula said that new coach Rex Ryan is “the best fit for our team,” Cue the Cinderella shoe/foot jokes….

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Gavin Newsom says he won’t run for Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat in 2016. Translation, he’s running for Governor in 2018.

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A woman from Seneca Falls, New York was arrested last November for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .26. And apparently she had been drinking… vanilla extract. Which is .41% alcohol. And millions of teenagers are thinking “you can do that?”

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Okay, we’re all about free speech these days, even when we think it’s obnoxious. Well, kinda sorta. Apparently Margaret Cho’s North Korean general portrayal on the Golden Globes has already generated outrage. (And she is Korean-American). Personally, I thought it was funny. But we can not “suis Charlie” if we can’t also at times “suis” un-PC..

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This picture might be worth 2,000 words.

January 2, 2015

As tweeted by Danny Nanell    “The SEC Programming Network tomorrow.”

 

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For the first time since 2005, there will be no ‪#‎SEC‬ team in the BCS National Championship. No punch line, I just like writing it.

 

 

Children in Africa tonight will be rejoicing over a shipment of brand new FSU vs. Alabama National Championship T-shirts.

 

 

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Many Florida State players refused to shake hands with Oregon players after the Rose Bowl samples. Maybe they were worried about giving possible DNA samples?

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Early in the 4th quarter,  ESPN said ‪#‎Oregon‬  was “executing.” Yep, execution was the right term. FSU was looking for a clemency call from the governor.. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

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Good thing ‪#‎FSU‬ didn’t bring their 2013 BCS championship crystal trophy to the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. They probably would have dropped it. ‪#‎OREvsFSU‬

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One Big Ten excuse in various Rose Bowls over the years is that Midwest teams have sometimes been distracted by a week in warm weather. Florida State might need to come up with a new one.

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As Lee Slice pointed out, the national championship is now – – the Rose Bowl.  (Big 10 vs. Pac 10/12)

 

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Like many, I had hard time deciding who to root against more? Nick Saban or Urban Meyer?    I think my son had it right, rooting for a 2nd half brawl that gets some players from the winning team suspended against Oregon.

(Of course, in retrospect, another reason to be happy about the OSU win, we know we won’t have to watch Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin on the sidelines.)

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Lewis Rudolph, 95, a co-founder of Krispy Kreme, has died. So presume instead of being embalmed he will be glazed?

 

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Undocumented immigrants can now get drivers licenses in California.  While there are some issues where good people can disagree as to whether this is a good or bad idea, there’s one absolutely good thing about it – undocumented immigrants can now also get car insurance in California.  #andnotliketheywerentgoingtodriveanyway

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Mario Cuomo has died at the age of 82. When it came to whether or not to run for President his decision-making abilities rivaled those of Brett Favre. But a very smart man, and one of the best political speakers of our time: “The American people need no course in philosophy or political science or church history to know that God should not be made into a celestial party chairman.”

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Saturday Night Late.

October 2, 2011

Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?

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Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.

The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.

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Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.

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Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?

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A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”

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Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.

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Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”

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Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.

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Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”

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The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

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At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.

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Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”

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Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”

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Not standing the Heat.

June 8, 2011

Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.

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More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night.    Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd.  Just videos of  Lebron James’s play in Game 4. 

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Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”

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As far as politics, however,  what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.

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Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.

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Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.

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Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.

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But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia.  Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls.   As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it. 

Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning

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At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.

 

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Executive privilege?

June 2, 2011

NJ Governor Chris Christie is under fire for using a state police helicopter to get from his son’s baseball game in Montvale, N.J. to Princeton. Good thing Arnold Schwarzenegger used his own jet, heaven knows how many baseball games and sons the former California governor might have had.

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The Bruins were 0-6 with a man advantage tonight in their 1-0 loss to the Canucks Wednesday night. So maybe instead of calling it a “power play”, Boston should call it a “brownout” play.

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The space shuttle Endeavour landed safely this morning and is now retired. Although NASA got a call from Brett Favre about the possibility of being a civilian passenger on the next flight.

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The parents of “balloon boy” are prohibited by their probation terms from making money off their story until 2013. But the couple said they will auction off the helium balloon they claimed their son floated away in to raise money for earthquake and tsunami relief in Japan. With all due respect, if it got them publicity, I think these two would auction off their son.

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A survey by a British travel agency says that while the average woman packs ten pairs of underwear for a one week trip, the average man packs three. I guess for men that means two pairs for emergencies

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According to the AP, Snooki had her international driver’s license revoked in Italy after she rear-ended her police escort and slightly injured two policemen. Just one question – who the heck gave Snooki an international driver’s license?

(As my friend Tim says “who gave her a passport?”)

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A terminal at New Jersey’s Newark Airport was briefly evacuated by authorities tonight while they investigated a suspicious package. Anthony Weiner immediately issued a statement calling the incident a prank, but said he could not confirm that the package wasn’t his.

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Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor is already suspended for selling memorabilia, and under investigation for possibly illegal benefits involving cars. Now Pryor has been seen driving a Nissan 350-Z around Columbus, despite a suspended driver’s license. Well, on the bright side, with these antics, Terrelle’s well on his way to being a first round draft pick for the Cincinnati Bengals.

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Shaquille O’Neal has announced his retirement, apparently because injuries won’t let him continue to play at a serious NBA level. Which doesn’t rule out him getting an offer from the Washington Wizards.

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A group of 100 eighth grade students from Pennsylvania went on a field trip to Baltimore. They had to split into smaller groups for lunch, and apparently about 15-20 of them going to Hooters. Well, it’s good to see that parents who chaperone now include fathers.

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Paris Hilton was interviewed by CNN’s Piers Morgan and called the her sex tape “the most embarrassing humiliating thing.” Well, except for her new show “The World According to Paris.”

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The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim had their plane make an emergency landing at Los Angeles International Airport, instead of Orange County airport 40 miles way.  The landing was due to a problem with the plane’s hydraulic system. Now, if something similar had happened to the Dodgers, it probably would have been from Frank McCourt not paying the fuel bill.

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And then there were eight.

March 26, 2011

 Headline from tonight’s NCAA Sweet Sixteen matchup?   “The Buckeyes Stop Here.”   

And yes, another #1 seed, Ohio State, goes down in the 2011 NCAA tournament. Bad news for collectors who were hoping to buy one of those championship rings.

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After the loss, Ohio State’s freshman star Jared Sullinger said he would be returning for another season  – “I did make a decision and I’m definitely coming back next year. I need to work on a lot of things. I have to come back. I’m coming back to win.”

No mention in that statement of any secondary reasons to return to college for another year…. like going to class?

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In college football sometimes for big games, they introduce players by their name and major.  Wonder if they stopped doing that in basketball because the number one answer was “Major?”

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Arizona 93 – Duke 77. Now, the Stanford Cardinal played the Wildcats twice this year. Losing once by 10 and once by 9. Guess this is the closest Stanford has been in a while to having bragging rights on Duke.

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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips reiterated a comment he made earlier this week in a Fox news interview, saying that “Charlie Sheen still makes more sense than John Boehner.” Actually I would argue Charlie Sheen makes more sense than a lot of people, including Judson Phillips.

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The NCAA seeding committee is not happy losing three of their #1 teams before the “Elite Eight”  in the men’s tournament. Now that they’ve tweaked the number from 64 to 68, the next tweak for 2012 may be a “judge’s save.”

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A Cleveland Browns fan is suing the NFL, claiming the lockout violates his contract to buy tickets through his personal seat license. Actually, it’s more surprising a Browns fan hasn’t sued before – in theory the PSLs was supposed to entitle them to buy tickets to watch professional football.

So Newt Gingrich said Obama should enforce a no-fly zone, but now that the President has joined the coalition doing just that, Newt has changed his mind and says the no-fly zone is a mistake. Makes sense on some level, Gringrich has always had trouble with decisions involving his own fly.

And in the “We thought only U.S. elected officials had trouble with their own language, I give you this picture, from BBC news of a road sign in Wales.

Apparently the local council in Swansea, mindful that the law in Wales requires all signs to be bilingual,  sent off the request to their translation service, and had the sign made with the reply.

Except that what the sign means in Welsh?    “I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated”.

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The streak is dead, long live the streak.

December 31, 2010

Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

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Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

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But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

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Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

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Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

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The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

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ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

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How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

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Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

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Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

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