Posted tagged ‘Florida State jokes’

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Girls, girls, girls…..

July 21, 2015

The San Antonio Spurs, coached by Becky Hammon, just won the NBA Summer League. So, apparently real men don’t have a problem with sexual orientation in the locker room. ‪#‎yougogirl‬

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Ashley Madison, the “dating” site for married people, has apparently been hacked and the hackers are threatening to post information on millions of users on line. Who knows, the U.S. political scene could be about to get a lot crazier.

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With the Ashley Madison hacking story making headlines, I see a new business model for some enterprising person – A company that will create a credible online to make it seem as if your identity was stolen. “Honest, honey, I have no idea how they got my name and credit card, clearly our personal information has been compromised.”

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Anyone who misses watching baseball games at Candlestick Park must have loved watching the final round of the ‪#‎BritishOpen‬.

 

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Curt Schilling tweeted outrage that President Barack Obama failed to issue a proclamation to lower flags around government buildings to half-staff for the Chattanooga victims despite doing so for pop singer Whitney Houston.

Except that Obama didn’t do that. The only government official who ordered flags lowered for the pop star was NJ Gov. Chris Christie.

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A gay British man who voluntarily donates sperm says he has fathered 10 children with nine different women in just the last year. So the guy is either really altruistic, or he has delusions of being an NBA player.

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The Denver Nuggets have traded Ty Lawson to the Houston Rockets. Hoping it works out, but is it really a great idea to send a guy with 2 DUI’s in a year to a place with Texas’s very relaxed gun laws?

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A profile of Karen Hinton, who is New York Mayor DeBlasio’s press secretary, brings up a story from a 1999 book of how in 1984, when she was 24, then Arkansas governor Bill Clinton gave her a napkin with his room number on it. Shocking. Wouldn’t it be more of a story if Clinton in those days was talking to a pretty young blond woman and didn’t give her his room number?

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ACC commissioner John Swofford says the conference is “not trying to be Big Brother” in dealing with off-field issues like those at Florida State.

“Our approach $o far, and I don’t really $ee this changing, is that we have a lot of confidence in our in$titution$ to handle those $ituation$ when they occur.”

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In Iowa, a former lottery security official was found guilty  of rigging a game so he could win a $14 million jackpot, and then trying to get someone to cash the prize for him. Hmm, anyone but me worried less about him than about the ones who aren’t stupid enough to get caught?

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Palo Alto, California, has been sweltering with temperatures in the mid 80s and 61% humidity. Thereby bringing ZERO sympathy from anyone in the Midwest, South and East.

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Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, probably THE reigning royal couple of country music, are getting divorced. No word who gets custody of the material for song lyrics.

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Between Blake and Miranda though, Taylor Swift might have some competition for “Best breakup song of the year.”

 

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Just in 2014, the NFL gave each teams each $226.4 million as part of national revenue sharing. But all the the league could afford was a $765 million settlement over concussion-related brain injuries for all its 18,000 retired players. I wish this were a joke.

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Keep your friends closer?

July 17, 2015

On Thursday, Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison, a medium-security facility in Oklahoma. Probably a better idea than one in Illinois, where the President would have been too likely to run into former political colleagues.

 

Senator John McCain said of Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rally in Arizona – he “fired up the crazies.” Well, and if anyone knows crazy, it’s the man who wanted to give us Vice President Sarah Palin.

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Donald Trump’s polling numbers are so good that the GOP may start to take him seriously. In fact, in hopes of giving him some idea of what it actually might like to be President many Republicans want to send Trump on a weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

 

 

Florida State says they will require student-athletes to be required to take a course in social responsibilities, one that “would give them some additional background in consequences of actions.” And I’m sure Seminoles’ football players will give the course the same high standard of attention they give to all their classes.

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Dodgers Nationals  were in a game delay due to a bank of lights going out at Nationals Park. Maybe teams should call Congress – they have plenty of experience working in the dark.

 

And then the Dodgers Nationals game was suspended in the sixth inning tonight after a third power outage. And Mets fans are thinking, haven’t we been in a power outage since the April?

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For ‪#‎TBT‬, Kim Kardashian decided to repost a 2010 magazine picture of herself nude in a pool of silver paint. It’s going to be so much fun when North West his puberty. ‪#‎youregoingoutlookinglikethat‬? ‪#‎karmaisameanbitch

 

 

J.J. Watt, in an interview cautioning high school athletes, “Read each tweet about 95 times before sending it Look at every Instagram post about 95 times before you send it. A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin. So don’t let that happen to you. Just be very smart about it.”

All good advice, assuming these athletes can count to 95.

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Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic, 22, was arrested at the W Hotel in Miami Beach, after there were multiple complaints about a raucous party in his penthouse suite, and he ignored police requests to turn down the music. Uh, just how loud do you have to be to be too loud for South Beach?

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A police raid Friday at a home of an Orlando city commissioner has apparently found both drugs and guns. Your move, Louisiana.

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A rain delay means that Tiger Woods did not complete his second round Friday and will have to finish up Saturday morning.  So even God decided He/She really wanted to see Tiger play on the weekend?

 

From Bill Littlejohn,  “In 1930, Clayton Kershaw’s great-uncle, Clyde Tombaugh, discovered Pluto. Fitting, because that’s where Kershaw’s curveball disappears to in the post-season.”

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While the vast majority of American Muslims are good law-abiding citizens, some people are calling for increased surveillance and profiling of Muslims because individuals have committed horrific crimes. So if the object is to prevent crimes, then presumably those same people should be calling for increased surveillance and profiling of gun owners…?

 

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It’s snow joke.

January 27, 2015

Once again, NJ & NY see proof why most meteorologists are men: They always overestimate inches. ‪#‎Snowmageddon2015‬

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Well, at least this over-hyped storm had one silver lining for New Yorkers: It cancelled the Knicks game.

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And actually Juno did hit New England hard.  But So the “Blizzard of the 2015” didn’t turn out to be quite as big a deal in New York and New Jersey as forecasters expected.  Will they rename it “Geno?”

(or “Johnny Storm?”)

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As the measles outbreak spreads, have to wonder, if there was a vaccine for Ebola, how many Americans would refuse to use it?

 

Wonder how many NFL people are longing for the days when the only balls in the bathroom controversy had to do with openly gay players.

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If you go by $$ per minute, Marshawn Lynch’s 4 minutes and 51 seconds on Super Bowl media day might have been one of the best paid interviews of all time. “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.”  Because he probably saved fines of at least $250,000.

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Former NY Giants defensive coordinator Perry Fewell, interviewed to be the 49ers defensive backs coach. But he turned SF down and took the same position with Washington. How toxic an owner do you have to be to make Dan Snyder look good?

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Bus to hell time.  A Nashville jury has convicted two ex-Vanderbilt football players of raping a former student inside a dorm room. Wonder if both men now wish they’d gone to Florida State?

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Sometimes all technology does is give people more power to embrace their idiocy. A 22 yr-old Texas man is in jail after he posted on FB, “So I have 16 warrants right now. Lol they know where I’m at tho, so it must not be TOO bad.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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New England CB Brandon Browner told ESPN “I’m going to tell my teammates to go hit (Sherman’s) elbow, go hit (Thomas’s) shoulder. Try to break it if you can.” But the NFL is okay with the comments, because Browner didn’t put it in terms of a bounty?

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from T.C. “When Elin heard that Tom Brady was possibly cheating, she immediately sent Gisele that famous 9 iron.”

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James Caan has filed for divorce from his wife for the third time in ten years. “Dude, make up your mind”, said Brett Favre.

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Michelle Obama did not wear a headscarf Tuesday in Saudi Arabia, where local women must cover their heads. Over at FOX News heads must have exploded as they were all no doubt ready to complain that she didn’t show respect for Muslim customs….

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This picture might be worth 2,000 words.

January 2, 2015

As tweeted by Danny Nanell    “The SEC Programming Network tomorrow.”

 

sec

 

For the first time since 2005, there will be no ‪#‎SEC‬ team in the BCS National Championship. No punch line, I just like writing it.

 

 

Children in Africa tonight will be rejoicing over a shipment of brand new FSU vs. Alabama National Championship T-shirts.

 

 

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Many Florida State players refused to shake hands with Oregon players after the Rose Bowl samples. Maybe they were worried about giving possible DNA samples?

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Early in the 4th quarter,  ESPN said ‪#‎Oregon‬  was “executing.” Yep, execution was the right term. FSU was looking for a clemency call from the governor.. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

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Good thing ‪#‎FSU‬ didn’t bring their 2013 BCS championship crystal trophy to the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. They probably would have dropped it. ‪#‎OREvsFSU‬

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One Big Ten excuse in various Rose Bowls over the years is that Midwest teams have sometimes been distracted by a week in warm weather. Florida State might need to come up with a new one.

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As Lee Slice pointed out, the national championship is now – – the Rose Bowl.  (Big 10 vs. Pac 10/12)

 

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Like many, I had hard time deciding who to root against more? Nick Saban or Urban Meyer?    I think my son had it right, rooting for a 2nd half brawl that gets some players from the winning team suspended against Oregon.

(Of course, in retrospect, another reason to be happy about the OSU win, we know we won’t have to watch Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin on the sidelines.)

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Lewis Rudolph, 95, a co-founder of Krispy Kreme, has died. So presume instead of being embalmed he will be glazed?

 

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Undocumented immigrants can now get drivers licenses in California.  While there are some issues where good people can disagree as to whether this is a good or bad idea, there’s one absolutely good thing about it – undocumented immigrants can now also get car insurance in California.  #andnotliketheywerentgoingtodriveanyway

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Mario Cuomo has died at the age of 82. When it came to whether or not to run for President his decision-making abilities rivaled those of Brett Favre. But a very smart man, and one of the best political speakers of our time: “The American people need no course in philosophy or political science or church history to know that God should not be made into a celestial party chairman.”

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Out of work?

September 20, 2014

John Boehner, trash talking the unemployed – “this idea that has been born, maybe out of the economy over the last couple years, that you know, I really don’t have to work. I don’t really want to do this. I think I’d rather just sit around. This is a very sick idea for our country.” Really, who do these people think they are, Congress?

 

Urban Meyer says he was depressed and “mentally broke” with the stress of coaching Florida’s national champion 2008 team and contending 2009 team. So he can avoid all that being in the Big Ten?

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Florida State squeaked out a win against Clemson in overtime. If the Seminoles knew the game would have been that close they would have only suspended Jameis Winston for three quarters.

 

Would someone please tell the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ they don’t have to give up scoring for Rosh Hashanah.

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Brian Wilson gives up game winning home run to ‪#‎Cubs‬. And ‪#‎Dodgers‬ fans are getting just a little tastle of ‪#‎torture‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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A lot of chatter amongst Florida fans about benching QB Jeff Driskel, including from former Gator Emmitt Smith. Which is shocking, bench an SEC QB for poor play rather than academic issues or arrests?

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542 people in Calgary all dressed in Batman suits this week at work to raise money for charity and to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.(The old record was 250 Batmans) What I want to know, who comes up with the idea in the first place of a setting a record for “The Largest Gathering of People Dressed As Batman?””

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A hacker allegedly briefly uploaded naked pictures of ‪#‎KimKardashian‬ but quickly took them down. Presumably because ‪#‎nobodycares‬.

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Kim Kardashian apparently wants to appear on ‘Downton Abbey.” And we thought some of the recent wars have tested the “special relationship” between the U.S. and Britain.

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What’s next for ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬? Almost expect him to tweet ‪#‎Winning‬!

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In a press conference that might have called for a “Hail Mary”, ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ took a knee. ‪#‎NFL‬

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Roger Goodell and “Purposeful Misdirection” sounds like the name of a bad garage band.

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Full moonbeam rising: How strong is California Gov. Jerry Brown? At the state GOP convention, state controller candidate Ashley Swearingen, the mayor of Fresno, said she hadn’t decided whether to vote for Brown or his Republican opponent in November.

 

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