Posted tagged ‘college football jokes’

Lonely at the top.

November 11, 2017

 

Wondering how many in Alabama would have been more upset if Crimson Tide lost than to find out they might be electing a sexual predator Senator.

I suppose it was too much to ask for that two undefeated SEC teams lose in on the same day? #Georgia #Bama

Well, at least this embarrassment for Georgia on the football field didn’t involve a 4th quarter collapse in the Super Bowl.

So is there still a chance Notre Dame and Georgia could meet in the  “Over-rated” Bowl?

I’m sure LSJUMB will take the high road over Fighting Irish blowout loss in Miami when Notre Dame plays Stanford in two weeks.

Did someone tell Michigan State players they had a bye week this week.  (Ohio State 48, MSU 3.)

Wonder why NFL TV ratings down? Only free option for those near NYC/SF Sunday afternoon not Cowboys-Falcons or Texans-Rams but Giants-49ers.

UCLA players accused of shoplifting, from as many as 3 different stores, remain at Hyatt in China. Gosh, hope this doesn’t interfere w/ their studies.

#Cardinals already w/o Carson Palmer, now QB Drew Stanton injured; they will reportedly sign Matt Barkley. Kaepernick remains on list just below chopped liver.

Alabama GOP position is that a 14-yr-old girl is adult enough to make her own choices about sex until she gets pregnant.

Across America some 14 yr-old girls are just trying to convince their parents they should be allowed to date 15-yr-old boys.

Some in GOP floating idea of delaying Alabama Senate special election. If this works will Trump try to delay 2020 election at least a few years?

Bromance between Trump and Putin continues. How long until Vlad is named an honorary co-host of Fox and Friends?
Trump on Putin’s being accused of election meddling -“I think he’s very insulted by it.” What’s Russian word for “snowflake.”

 

Trump complains about Kim Jong-Un calling him “old,” says he wouldn’t call Korean leader “short & fat.” Is this US President or Alec Baldwin on SNL cold open?

But hey, is that what POTUS meant by “progress not provocation?”

Tweet tweeted “Met with President Putin of Russia who was at #APECmeetings.” President Putin “of Russia.” Are there any Americans who don’t know who Vlad is?

Trump on his Asia trip – “Well a lot of people said it is almost physically impossible for someone to go through 12 days.” And we were worried about Hillary’s health?”

Rest of world going ahead with TPP and Paris Climate Accord. #MAIA – Make American Isolated Again.

Silver lining for GOP with Roy Moore: Nobody is tweeting about their proposed tax relief for millionaires.

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After midnight.

October 15, 2017

One thing to have Pac 12 college football  games start late on the East Coast.  Another thing to have them start so late the bars close before fans can watch the end and celebrate.

So many of top ranked college football teams lost this weekend that this might open up a spot in playoffs for Cleveland Browns.

 

Thinking that the first quarter of college football games should not compete with SNL. #Stanford #Oregon

But of course even after Stanford started 1-2 everyone had Cardinal leading the Pac 12 North after week five.

 

Columbia football is 5-0. Now this may really be a sign of the apocalypse.

 

Very now strange to see a starting pitcher in 9th inning of a baseball game when he didn’t come in as reliever. #Verlander #ALCS

Tom Verducci said Verlander brought the game back to another era, Gibson, Koufax.   Uh, he forgot Bumgarner. #ALCS

ARod saying now steroids “cost me over $40 million..my reputation..the Hall of Fame.. & a number of other things.” Get out the violins

The artist who put a statue of a urinating dog next to the “Fearless Girl” statue on Wall Street, was fatally struck by a NY subway when he apparently was standing too close to the tracks. Maybe they can use the dog statue as his tombstone? #subwaytohell

Marwin Gonzalez left Minute Maid Park as soon as ALCS game 1 to be with his wife, who had gone into labor. He made it for the birth of his son. Good thing Gonzalez wasn’t playing in Nats-Cubs game 5, the kid would be walking before he arrived.

Mississippi school district pulls ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ from reading list – it “makes people uncomfortable.” Uh, that’s the point. #snowflakes

 

The Academy has expelled Harvey Weinstein. Oh good, so now there are no powerful sexual predators left in Hollywood.

Had the Weinstein scandal just broken 6 months earlier Bill O’Reilly could have made the story centerpiece of final ‘The O’Reilly Factor.”

Mike Pence campaigning in VA for gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie. So if some Dems put on uniforms & kneel for anthem will he leave?

Almost week since devastating fires started in California.   Still crickets from @realDonaldTrump. No doubt he’s preparing NFL tweet for morning.

 

Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

 

#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”

For the win?

June 21, 2016

Tonight have to give it to Scotland. Where about 100 locals got together to buy some land near one of Donald Trump’s golf courses.  And in advance of the Donald’s visit they planted this flag.

 

scotland

(yes, that is the Mexican flag.)

 

Well, I guess the SF GIants sympathy scoreless streak in honor of the Warriors at the end of Game 7 NBA Finals is officially over.  (First runs scored in the 4th, 15-4 final win over the Pirates.)

 

On a brighter note for the Pirates, Monday Erik Kratz hit 1st home run, off ‪#‎Madbum‬, today he pitched scoreless 9th, & struck out Belt.. Now that’s just piling on. ‪#‎SFGIants‬

 

Team USA COPA post-game motto “Well, at least we didn’t look as bad as Mexico vs. Chile.  (only a 4-0 loss)

Alabama football team’s strength coach, Scott Cochran, will now be making $525,000 a year. Well, that’s a whole $10,000 less than the $535,000 Judy Bonner, the President of the university makes. ‪#‎priorities‬

ESPN reports that former Baylor football coach Art Briles
The former Bears’ football coach promised a woman who was sexually assaulted by one of his players that he would support and apologize to her and her family last week. But Briles backed out.
‪#‎Beinginfootballmeansneverhavingtosayyouresorry‬?.

Tuesday is ‪#‎NationalSelfieDay‬.  Wonder how many celebrated the day by also vying for a ‪#‎DarwinAward‬?

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A GOP Congressional candidate for Congress is running a contest on his FB page to give away a AR-15 rifle. In Florida. Wonder if Muslim-Americans are allowed to enter.

Wendy Bell, a former Pittsburgh news anchor was fired after she posted on Facebook in March about unidentified shooting suspects “You needn’t be a criminal profiler to draw a mental sketch of the killers…. They are young black men, likely in their teens or in their early 20s….”
Now Bell says she was fired because she is white. Nope, she was fired for being stupid. ‪#‎Facebookitsaprivilegenotaright‬

Lebron James, Jr, age 11, apparently already has scholarship offers from Kentucky and Duke. Not sure if dad will give his son any advice, other than not to announce his decision on an ESPN special.

Donald Trump’s campaign has apparently spent over $6 million, about 10% of their total expenditures, into Trump branded products, from water to wine to hotels.
Not sure the reaction is “That’s appalling.” Or “That’s shocking, only 10%?”

Donald Trump’s latest to evangelical leaders, “We don’t know anything about Hillary in terms of religion.”
So he’s saying they should vote for someone like him who’s been married three times and wants to date his own daughter? ‪#‎smh

Donald Trump has added Michele Bachmann to his Evangelical Advisory Board. ‪#‎Jesuswept‬

US. Rep. Steve King, upset about the idea of Harriet Tubman on the $20, is proposing an amendment to a House bill to ban the use of funds to redesign any Federal Reserve note or coin. No matter that such an amendment would also stop the government from anti-counterfeiting measures. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butyoucanreelectstupid‬

 

 

We some of the people?

September 20, 2015

Ben Carson said he doesn’t think a Muslim should ever be President, because the religion isn’t “consistent with the constitution.” Well, actually, Dr. Carson, expecting Americans to follow ANY religion isn’t consistent with the constitution.

Okay, who had both ‪#‎Stanford‬ & the ‪#‎Raiders‬ winning this weekend in football? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

Right about now ‪#‎JohnHarbaugh‬ has to be thinking of calling brother ‪#‎jimharbaugh‬ & asking how to join the college coaching ranks. ‪#‎BALvsOak‬

Marco Rubio on Obama “He’s born in the United States. He’s a Christian. He’s the president of the United States for the next year and a half and we’re going to move on.” Uh oh, if Rubio doesn’t watch out he’s going to lose that all important crazy vote.

Hillary Clinton is now saying she’s a “real person,”  who can “talk about anything and everything – from the Kardashians to wonky climate change policy.”

Were those the best choices.  While the overlap between the two groups is small, a lot of Americans don’t believe in at least one of those examples.

So after beating ‪#‎NIU‬ by 7, ‪#‎OhioState‬ strengthens their hold on #1 in ‪#‎APTop25‬. Shouldn’t the Huskies thus be at least in top 20?

An Alabama wide receiver tweeted “For the second straight year, we will be in the college football playoff and Ole Miss won’t. Bama isn’t going anywhere.” Uh, AFTER Ole Miss won. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantdomatheither‬

The NY Post reports that New York City custodians took home an average pay of $109,467 in the 2013-14 school year. That’s almost enough to afford a studio apartment in Manhattan.

Scary that this year it looks like the ‪#‎NYJets‬ might be the less dysfunctional NFL team in New York? ‪#‎NYGiants‬

Now some conservatives are claiming that Ahmed Mohamed really didn’t build a block and it was all a fraud to get attention, or worse, a “dry run” for a Muslim kid bringing a bomb to school. Sigh.
The boy would have been fine if he had just acted like a real Texan and built a gun

Chris Christie, a Catholic, today on Pope Francis saying the U.S. and Cuba should restore relations: “I just think the pope is wrong. The fact is that his infallibility is on religious matters, not on political ones.”

Uh, wait, for the GOP aren’t religion and politics supposed to be the same thing?

This picture might be worth 2,000 words.

January 2, 2015

As tweeted by Danny Nanell    “The SEC Programming Network tomorrow.”

 

sec

 

For the first time since 2005, there will be no ‪#‎SEC‬ team in the BCS National Championship. No punch line, I just like writing it.

 

 

Children in Africa tonight will be rejoicing over a shipment of brand new FSU vs. Alabama National Championship T-shirts.

 

 

Many Florida State players refused to shake hands with Oregon players after the Rose Bowl samples. Maybe they were worried about giving possible DNA samples?

Early in the 4th quarter,  ESPN said ‪#‎Oregon‬  was “executing.” Yep, execution was the right term. FSU was looking for a clemency call from the governor.. ‪#‎RoseBowl‬

Good thing ‪#‎FSU‬ didn’t bring their 2013 BCS championship crystal trophy to the ‪#‎RoseBowl‬. They probably would have dropped it. ‪#‎OREvsFSU‬

One Big Ten excuse in various Rose Bowls over the years is that Midwest teams have sometimes been distracted by a week in warm weather. Florida State might need to come up with a new one.

As Lee Slice pointed out, the national championship is now – – the Rose Bowl.  (Big 10 vs. Pac 10/12)

 

Like many, I had hard time deciding who to root against more? Nick Saban or Urban Meyer?    I think my son had it right, rooting for a 2nd half brawl that gets some players from the winning team suspended against Oregon.

(Of course, in retrospect, another reason to be happy about the OSU win, we know we won’t have to watch Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin on the sidelines.)

Lewis Rudolph, 95, a co-founder of Krispy Kreme, has died. So presume instead of being embalmed he will be glazed?

 

Undocumented immigrants can now get drivers licenses in California.  While there are some issues where good people can disagree as to whether this is a good or bad idea, there’s one absolutely good thing about it – undocumented immigrants can now also get car insurance in California.  #andnotliketheywerentgoingtodriveanyway

 

Mario Cuomo has died at the age of 82. When it came to whether or not to run for President his decision-making abilities rivaled those of Brett Favre. But a very smart man, and one of the best political speakers of our time: “The American people need no course in philosophy or political science or church history to know that God should not be made into a celestial party chairman.”

What matters most.

December 8, 2014

The Browns may start Johnny Manziel at QB Sunday over Brian Hoyer against Cincinnati. Makes some sense. If Cleveland can’t make the playoffs, they’ll be at least more likely to make ESPN headlines.

 

 

William and Kate are on their first visit to New York City. Wonder if the Prince at some point has leaned over to his wife and whispered “Thank God this all isn’t our problem anymore.”

Damn. Apparently a security guard was shot and seriously wounded during an post-game argument between 49ers and Raiders fans outside a San Jose bar. Well, it’s a good thing for public safety neither team’s fans will have anything to argue about during the playoffs.

 

Well, all he did was basically show you can win a World Series with one starting pitcher.  Even if he didn’t get a hit himself.  Congrats Madison Bumgarner, Sports Illustrated’s Sportsman of the Year.

 

At time of posting, reportedly Jon Lester is deciding between offers from the Chicago Cubs and the SF Giants. Wonder if the Giants would do something dastardly, like sending Lester videos of games when the wind is blowing out at Wrigley Field?

 

34 years ago tonight was really the day “the music died”, as John Lennon was fatally shot in New York. Harder to believe for many of us, people who were born after Lennon’s murder, are old enough to have children who know the Beatles music. ‪#‎Timeswingedchariot‬

After Oakland’s upset 23-14 win over SF, Raiders LB Sio Moore took to Instagram to refer to Colin Kaepernick as a “Freakin chump.” Not a huge Kap fan, but maybe Moore should be a little more restrained with his trash talking, considering his team is still 2-11.

Not that I’m generally a soccer fan, but congratulations to the LA Galaxy on winning the MLS Cup. Guess having Robbie Rogers, who is openly gay, on the team, didn’t hurt the locker room too much.

 

A massive fire in a residential complex under construction basically shut down the 101 and 110 in Los Angeles  Monday morning. So for commuters on those freeways it was basically a Monday commute as usual.

Ralph Baer,,92, who invented the world’s first video game console, has died. In his honor, mourners at his funeral will spend the entire service playing on their smartphones.

Baylor coach Art Briles is complaining about no Big 12 team in the College Football Playoff. And five power conferences, four playoff teams was always going to be a problem. But just maybe the Bears might want to up their non-conference schedule from Buffalo, SMU and Northwestern State. (The NY Jets might be available.)