Posted tagged ‘college football jokes’

Not perfect enough?

January 2, 2018

So Auburn team that beat both Georgia & Alabama was beaten by UCF. Explain to me why undefeated  Golden Knights shouldn’t have been in playoffs?

 

Baker Mayfield after Rose Bowl  talked about disappointment of not winning a national title. Fortunately Mayfield isn’t projected #1, or he could find out what it’s like to be disappointed not to win, period. #Browns

So when did the #RoseBowl turn into college football equivalent of NBA All-Star game? Defense not required.

 

On a brighter note for those tired of #SEC dominance, at least one team in College Football Championship has a Democratic senator.

Got nothing against idea of a college football playoff. But #RoseBowl should be between #Pac12 & #BigTen. Period.

 

 may bring plenty of revenue to Stubhub.   But w/ game less than 1 1/2 hr from Georgia and 3 hour drive from Alabama  .not exactly going to help Atlanta economy. Or Delta Airlines.

Many had hoped for #Michigan & #Stanford to play in bowl w/ Shaw vs Harbaugh. Probably would have been good game – they couldn’t BOTH blow 2nd-half leads.

Prime Minister of Australia will be heading to DC for a meeting w/ Donald Trump this Feb. Maybe some of his entourage can take Jared or Donny Jr to a nice wine bar?

In 2017, Texas had #SutherlandSprings church shooting, plus 8 fatally shot in Plano by angry ex-husband at football party & now man arrested w/ arsenal at Houston hotel before NYE. But all these guys w/ guns were white, so it’s not terrorism…

Backwards in time? Hawaiian Airlines flight from Auckland took off after midnight Jan 1, 2018, & landed in Honolulu just after 10am on Dec. 31, 2017. GOP is thinking, big deal. we just took the entire country back 50 years..

As of Jan 1, Californians can now legally buy recreational marijuana. Jobs, jobs, jobs!! Although many of them in fast-food restaurants & at 7-11.

Today recreational marijuana is legal in Calif. As if companies didn’t have hard enough time getting employees to show up on time after holidays on Jan 2.

Good thing about not knowing who #LoganPaul was until today, don’t have regrets about spending ANY of my life having watching even one of his videos.

Trump tweeting about “great Iranian people.” So he’s banning them from entering US because they’re too great & would make Americans feel bad by comparison?

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41 and counting.

December 15, 2017

And of 41 college football bowl games, six are on Dec. 16. And if you can name at least half of them without Google, you just might need a life.

 

Now it’s Dave Brubaker, women’s national team director of Gymnastics Canada, facing sex-charges. Sad. Those days seem so innocent when we “just” worried about gymnasts’ eating disorders.

Carlos Santana leaves the Indians for the Phillies. 3 years, $60 million.  Plus he gets Octobers off!

NFL owner being investigated for “workplace misconduct.” Millions of Americans disappointed that it isn’t Jerry Jones or Dan Snyder.#JerryRichardson #Panthers

Now, I adore Kawhi Leonard. But the Spurs are 0-2 since he returned in limited minutes.  So maybe this doesn’t burnish his MVP credentials.

 

Alabama and San Francisco now have something in common – No Moore.

AOL is officially killing AIM. And millions of millennials have no idea what either of those are.

So it’s a May 19 wedding for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Does probably make it easier to remember your anniversary when it’s printed on tea towels.

 

In an attempt to get Rubio’s vote, GOP plans to increase child tax credit $300. Wow. That ought to pay for a whole week of day care.

#TaxBill has losses from fires, floods or other events no longer deductible unless covered by specific federal disaster declaration. But GOP will offer lots of thoughts and prayers.

EPA hires an opposition research firm to help them shape media coverage, CDC can’t use words: “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” & “science-based.”
I liked Orwell better as a novelist than a prophet.

Trump attacks FBI, saying “People are very, very angry.” “People?” Is that another term for his Russian bot followers?

 

Trump “visa lottery..really the worst of the worst.” He misspoke on “visa lottery” – meant to say “my system for picking judges.”

 

Barack Obama dressed up as Santa Claus at a Washington DC Boys & Girls Club. Don’t tell Trump. He’ll repeal Santa.

Consistency

November 26, 2017

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the Cleveland Browns sucking.

Alabama fans think they should still be in the College Football Playoff despite being beaten solidly by Auburn.  Well, especially after the Crimson Tide played a tough out-of-conference schedule including Colorado State and Mercer.

When @POTUS endorses a child molester for Senate guess it made sense for Tennessee to try hire someone who covered up child abuse as their head coach.

Although, news flash – Tennessee at least noted public outrage and has apparently changed their mind on Greg Schiano.

 

Cyber Monday looks like more than a few college football teams will be shopping for coaches.

Tony Parker finally returning to @Spurs Monday night.   San Antonio thrilled to have him back, & thankful most of his considerable medical expenses were covered by Medicare.

Last Sunday’s Ford EcoBoost 400, NASCAR Cup Series finale, had lowest ratings in race’s 19 yr history.  Again, must have been all those black drivers kneeling.

 

Since everyone is online all the time now shouldn’t #CyberMonday be retitled “Cyber Day that ends in Y?

Not saying there’s a #Kaepernick curse on @NFL. But there sure are a lot of QBs playing badly in 2017.

“Hi, I’m Roy, and what grade are you in honey? #ThingsNotToSayAtAHolidayParty

Now @realDonaldTrump questioning Access Hollywood tape after admitting it was real. So he’s calling his own words #FakeNews.

Trump is now calling Doug Jones a “Schumer/Pelosi” puppet. Aww, what happened to all those nice words he said about Chuck & Nancy?

 

Rough weekend for Trump – He can’t decide whether to tweet that he SHOULD be Time’s Man of the Year, or dismiss the magazine as Fake News.

Trump says Doug Jones wants to “RAISES (sic) TAXES.” And he’d probably want to spent taxes on things like education? #grammarandspellinghavealiberalbias

Susan Sarandon has a right to her anti-Hillary opinion, but hard to tell Alabama voters they have to vote for the lesser evil, when liberals won’t do same thing.

At least w/ all of Trump’s #FakeNews rants many Americans who might sympathize w/ #NYTimes‘ Nazi normalization story no longer read the paper.

The price they pay.

November 17, 2017

House tax bill would not allow fans who make mandatory  “donations” to universities for the right to buy expensive college football or basketball tickets to deduct those donations as charity.

Just guessing they’re not hyping this part of the bill in red states.

No Kawhi Leonard, no Tony Parker, 23 point deficit to OKC, and Spurs win.  Just possible Popovich is a very good coach.

Now Jameis Winston accused of groping a female Uber driver. Buccaneers wishing he had stuck to grabbing crab legs?

Gymnast do take hard falls. Has anyone checked #GabbyDouglas for concussions?

Battle between Jerry Jones and Roger Goodell may turn out to be more riveting than 90% of NFL games this season.

Sad when it’s come to seeing #JesseJackson trending & you’re almost relieved it’s “only” Parkinson’s disease – not him dying or being accused of sexual assault.

So after Trump pardons Thanksgiving turkey will he then ship it to Mar-a-Lago to be secretly cooked & sold to guests at $100 a plate?

Saying Mike Pence’s policy of never being alone with another woman makes sense is like saying people should never go to museums w/ famous works of art because it’s too hard to look and not touch.

Trump tweet “Put big game trophy decision on hold until such time as I review all conservation facts. Under study for years. Will update soon with Secretary Zinke. Thank you!”

Who knew that some in the party that doesn’t give a damn about poor children and immigrants have a soft spot for elephants?

Trump “unexpectedly” released list of 5 conservatives he might appoint to Supreme Court. Bribe for when more sexual assault accusations come out?

Kayla Moore says President owes them thank you for taking “focus off Russia.” Except Trump might not be happy – Moore story also takes focus off Trump.

Guess no one told @realDonaldTrump, that a- it’s “FrankenSTEIN,” and b- Frankenstein was the doctor. Monster he created had no name.

Amazing GOP contortions to convince themselves that any woman who accuses a Republican is an angry liar & anyone who accuses a Dem a wronged saint.

 

Sarah Huckabee Sanders – “Difference between Franken and Trump is that Franken has admitted wrongdoing.” Right, adults do that.

 

So with Sarah Huckabee Sanders logic, any man who denies sexual harassment or abuse is innocent.   I missed her exoneration of Bill Clinton.

Trump says Al Franken “really bad.” Because he groped a woman’s breast instead of grabbing her by the pussy?

That moment when you think a zygote is worthy of protection but a teenage girl is not. #KaylaMoore #RoyMoore

Lonely at the top.

November 11, 2017

 

Wondering how many in Alabama would have been more upset if Crimson Tide lost than to find out they might be electing a sexual predator Senator.

I suppose it was too much to ask for that two undefeated SEC teams lose in on the same day? #Georgia #Bama

Well, at least this embarrassment for Georgia on the football field didn’t involve a 4th quarter collapse in the Super Bowl.

So is there still a chance Notre Dame and Georgia could meet in the  “Over-rated” Bowl?

I’m sure LSJUMB will take the high road over Fighting Irish blowout loss in Miami when Notre Dame plays Stanford in two weeks.

Did someone tell Michigan State players they had a bye week this week.  (Ohio State 48, MSU 3.)

Wonder why NFL TV ratings down? Only free option for those near NYC/SF Sunday afternoon not Cowboys-Falcons or Texans-Rams but Giants-49ers.

UCLA players accused of shoplifting, from as many as 3 different stores, remain at Hyatt in China. Gosh, hope this doesn’t interfere w/ their studies.

#Cardinals already w/o Carson Palmer, now QB Drew Stanton injured; they will reportedly sign Matt Barkley. Kaepernick remains on list just below chopped liver.

Alabama GOP position is that a 14-yr-old girl is adult enough to make her own choices about sex until she gets pregnant.

Across America some 14 yr-old girls are just trying to convince their parents they should be allowed to date 15-yr-old boys.

Some in GOP floating idea of delaying Alabama Senate special election. If this works will Trump try to delay 2020 election at least a few years?

Bromance between Trump and Putin continues. How long until Vlad is named an honorary co-host of Fox and Friends?
Trump on Putin’s being accused of election meddling -“I think he’s very insulted by it.” What’s Russian word for “snowflake.”

 

Trump complains about Kim Jong-Un calling him “old,” says he wouldn’t call Korean leader “short & fat.” Is this US President or Alec Baldwin on SNL cold open?

But hey, is that what POTUS meant by “progress not provocation?”

Tweet tweeted “Met with President Putin of Russia who was at #APECmeetings.” President Putin “of Russia.” Are there any Americans who don’t know who Vlad is?

Trump on his Asia trip – “Well a lot of people said it is almost physically impossible for someone to go through 12 days.” And we were worried about Hillary’s health?”

Rest of world going ahead with TPP and Paris Climate Accord. #MAIA – Make American Isolated Again.

Silver lining for GOP with Roy Moore: Nobody is tweeting about their proposed tax relief for millionaires.

After midnight.

October 15, 2017

One thing to have Pac 12 college football  games start late on the East Coast.  Another thing to have them start so late the bars close before fans can watch the end and celebrate.

So many of top ranked college football teams lost this weekend that this might open up a spot in playoffs for Cleveland Browns.

 

Thinking that the first quarter of college football games should not compete with SNL. #Stanford #Oregon

But of course even after Stanford started 1-2 everyone had Cardinal leading the Pac 12 North after week five.

 

Columbia football is 5-0. Now this may really be a sign of the apocalypse.

 

Very now strange to see a starting pitcher in 9th inning of a baseball game when he didn’t come in as reliever. #Verlander #ALCS

Tom Verducci said Verlander brought the game back to another era, Gibson, Koufax.   Uh, he forgot Bumgarner. #ALCS

ARod saying now steroids “cost me over $40 million..my reputation..the Hall of Fame.. & a number of other things.” Get out the violins

The artist who put a statue of a urinating dog next to the “Fearless Girl” statue on Wall Street, was fatally struck by a NY subway when he apparently was standing too close to the tracks. Maybe they can use the dog statue as his tombstone? #subwaytohell

Marwin Gonzalez left Minute Maid Park as soon as ALCS game 1 to be with his wife, who had gone into labor. He made it for the birth of his son. Good thing Gonzalez wasn’t playing in Nats-Cubs game 5, the kid would be walking before he arrived.

Mississippi school district pulls ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ from reading list – it “makes people uncomfortable.” Uh, that’s the point. #snowflakes

 

The Academy has expelled Harvey Weinstein. Oh good, so now there are no powerful sexual predators left in Hollywood.

Had the Weinstein scandal just broken 6 months earlier Bill O’Reilly could have made the story centerpiece of final ‘The O’Reilly Factor.”

Mike Pence campaigning in VA for gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie. So if some Dems put on uniforms & kneel for anthem will he leave?

Almost week since devastating fires started in California.   Still crickets from @realDonaldTrump. No doubt he’s preparing NFL tweet for morning.

 

Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

 

#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”