Posted tagged ‘Harbaugh jokes’

Going to not-so-great lengths

March 3, 2016

Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.

South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

 

Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”

John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being.  Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign:   A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”

So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. ‪#‎coincidence‬?

Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..

Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?

Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?

An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.

Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”

Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? ‪#‎ratings‬ ‪#‎whatsyourdeal‬?

LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?

Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?

 

Has someone told the ‪#‎Thunder‬ that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎NBA‬

Whipped cream has calcium too, right?

February 22, 2016
 A new study says that coffee may lead to a lower risk of developing cirrhosis from drinking too much alcohol. Well, heck, that calls for an Irish coffee.

Texas A&M got an upset win at the  buzzer against ‪#‎Kentucky‬ in OT. Wonder how John ‪#‎Calipari‬ will discipline his players – make them go to class?

LSU men’s basketball coach Johnny Jones benched star Ben Simmons for the start of tonight’s game against Tennessee because “we had to address some academic stuff with him earlier in the week.” Simmons entered the game after 4 1/2 minutes. 4 1/2 minutes?! Yeah, that will teach him.

Barry Bonds today “God knows I’m a Hall of Famer.” But wonder how long baseball writers will still think -“The Hall of Fame is reserved for those who played the game with integrity, like Gaylord Perry.”

Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is being criticized for taking his football team to Florida for their allowed 20 hours a week practice during spring break. NCAA president Mark Emmert – “They’re having a hard time being students and doing what students want to do.”
Uh, let’s see, the option was staying in wintry Ann Arbor or going to Florida for a week, with free time after practice. And Emmert made his comment with a straight face?

Marissa Mayer says she can still turn Yahoo around. From one ditch into another ditch?

Jeb Bush suspended his Presidential campaign. Shocking many people who couldn’t see proof he was actually running one.

 

Charles Koch says he agrees with Bernie Sanders that the “system is often rigged to help the privileged few at the expense of everyone else.” Well, and Koch and this brother ought to know. They helped rig it.

Ted Cruz told his supporters tonight “We have made history.” Trouble is, most of this supporters don’t believe in history. (or math. )

For the latest contest entry into the “How low can you go?” in this election, I give you Donald Trump’s tweet today:. “I wonder if President Obama would have attended the funeral of Justice Scalia if it were held in a Mosque? Very sad that he did not go! ” ‪#‎nottheonion‬

So Trump likes to denigrate education by saying we spend more per capita than any other country already. But then when he talks about about the military he’s not only okay with spending more than everyone else, he wants to spend more?

 

 

The Georgia Senate passed a bill that that would protect people and organizations from “discriminatory action” by the government, if they opt out of serving any couple – gay or straight — if they cite a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction regarding marriage.
So what happens when say, someone decides not to serve a couple “living in sin,” or a divorced couple? Or an unwed mother like Bristol Palin?

From T.C.  “Donald Trump reiterated his plan to build a border wall between the US and Mexico.  In related news, Las Vegas oddsmakers have just installed Mexico as the favorites in the Olympic pole-vault competition.”

 

The price of everything.

February 12, 2016

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been permanently suspended by MLB after his third PED suspension, the all since April 2015. Being caught three times in a year? That’s not a suspension for PEDs, that’s a suspension for stupidity.

Jim Harbaugh and his staff racked up $136,000.in private jet costs during a two week recruiting window this January. And if Michigan beats Ohio State, school officials and alums will consider that a bargain.

Louisiana is facing a $940 million deficit, New Gov. John Bel Edwards has said without tax increases, there will be massive layoffs and canceled classes at state campuses. Meaning that students attending those universities “will receive a grade of incomplete, many students will not be able to graduate and student athletes across the state at those schools will be ineligible to play next semester. That means you can say farewell to college football next fall.”
Okay, not sure his future political aspirations, but THIS is a man who knows how to play hardball.

 

Bryce Harper, asked about a potential $400 million contract, responded “don’t sell me short.” So does that mean Harper is expecting to be a Yankee or Dodger some day?

Regarding the Mavericks surfing championship.  I’m all for choice but how many sports make moms wish their kids did some safer sport like football?

The Parents of former Jackie Robinson West baseball players have sued Little League and ESPN, saying they knew some children might be ineligible but “chose to ignore and/or deliberately conceal these facts in order to garner higher ratings, publicity, and money.”
So even though the team was caught cheating with residency, but still got a White House and MLB World Series trip out of the deal, this suit says they were wronged. And we wonder why Americans hate lawyers.

Kanye West now says about his tirade against Taylor Swift that “bitch” is a term of endearment. Right, I’m sure he calls Kim that all the time….

Just to prove the U.S. doesn’t have a monopoly on political circuses, I bring you this story from Japan, where the first MP who tried to take paternity leave has resigned. After a magazine broke the story that during his wife’s pregnancy, he had an affair with a bikini model….

A Florida woman was charged with child neglect after her dad found her naked, drunk (.305 blood alcohol level, not a typo) and unconscious while she was babysitting a young child. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

In San Francisco, a place called Equator Coffee was selling cups of coffee made from Finca Sophia beans for $15. And they sold out. And we wonder why other countries hate us?

Former Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore dropped out of the 2016 Presidential race. Shocking millions of Americans who had no idea he was running.

So Marco Rubio, who has spoken only eight times on the Senate floor since January, 2015, still spends $60,000 a year for a speechwriter. Isn’t this like Donald Trump employing a fact-checker?

The Pope today in Cuba had a meeting with the head of the Russian Orthodox church, their first conversation in almost 1,000 years. So maybe there’s hope for Democrats and Republicans.

Barry Manilow, 72, has had to cancel concerts after he was told not to speak or sing for a while after throat surgery. “What a shame” said millions of women and gay men and about three of their spouse

 

 

 

From Marc Ragovin  “So W will be campaigning for Jeb in South Carolina. I hope for Jeb’s sake he shows more brotherly love than Eli Manning.”

M going to be Blue

October 17, 2015

For as rough as that game ending was in Ann Arbor,  a game-winning touchdown after a blocked punt with 10 seconds to go, Jim Harbaugh still has to be waking up tomorrow thinking “At least I’m not still coaching the 49ers.”

Jim Harbaugh probably got a sympathy tweet from Nick Saban ‪#‎MSUvsMICH‬ ‪#‎AuburnvsAlabama‬

 And here Harbaugh thought his kicking nightmares were over when he left Stanford and Jordan Williamson.

San Francisco rents are so high that one female software engineer has written about the fact that she now lives in a VW Bus. What will be even scarier is when she decides to rent half the bus out on AirBNB.

So some KC Royals fans are starting a petition to have Joe Buck removed from the ALCS because they say he is biased against their team. SF Giants fans are laughing. They know Buck is biased against any team that isn’t the Cardinals.

While the ALCS is moving to Toronto for game three, there won’t be a game on Sunday. So we won’t have the dilemma – would MLB still insist on “God Bless America?”

Jeb Bush and Donald Trump called each other “pathetic” yesterday. It was a rare time they were both right.

The Oklahoma Sooners flight to Manhattan, KS for their football game against KSU today was delayed over 8 hours. Now I know travel agents have a different perspective, but really? The DRIVE is only about 4 1/2 hours

As expected, Zack Greinke has opted out of his contract with the Dodgers.(he ONLY has 3 years and $71 million left, and wants a longer deal.)
Not sure about 5 years to any 32 year old pitcher. But SF has a record as a good home for head cases.

Mike, a combat dog that became a service animal for an Army veteran was shot and killed by a bicyclist in Wyoming who said the dog threatened him. Waiting for the NRA to say “If only the dog had been armed.”

Memphis defeated Ole Miss today to move to 6-0. Wow. Memphis has a college football team?

USC played Notre Dame‬ Saturday .    Bringing up the age-old question for many American football fans – “Can both teams lose?”

Lindsay Lohan is now saying in “In #2020 I may run for president.” And somewhere Jon Stewart is thinking “The universe REALLY doesn’t want me to retire.”

US Airways flight 1939 took off Friday night from San Francisco to Philadelphia, the last US Airways flight ever before their merger with American Airlines. Poignant night for many fliers – one less airline to blame.

TBS host Casey Stern was caught dropping an f-bomb on air after the Mets’ game 1 NLCS win over the Cubs today. Can only imagine what some of the Michigan broadcasters said away from the microphone after the end of the MSU game.

Apparently Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki, Lindsey Graham and Rick Santorum are all spending more money than they are getting in donations so could end up dropping out of the 2016 Presidential race soon.
With the possible exception of Paul, and maybe Huckabee, who’s donating to ANY of them?

M Gone Blue.

May 12, 2015

Dennis Norfleet, Michigan’s all-time leader in kick returns and kick return yards has been dismissed from the program over a disciplinary issue with new coach Jim Harbaugh. Shall we start a pool with which SEC team Norfleet will end up?

Jim Harbaugh and Michigan have self-reported four minor violations to the NCAA. One of them, that he sent an autographed helmet and jersey to a high school auction benefiting a scholarship fund. (Which apparently Jim didn’t know was illegal.) Really good to see that the NCAA is focused on the important things.

Verizon is buying AOL. In hopes that finally two wrongs do make a right?

So apparently in yesterday’s apparent road rage incident involving George Zimmerman, both Zimmerman and the man who allegedly shot him -resulting in minor injuries -had guns with them at the time. And Darwin is thinking “Missed a two-fer by THAT much”

Tom Brady’s agent has accused Ted Wells of running a biased “sting” investigation on “Deflategate”, and Wells has fired back defending himself and the report. I’m wondering how long until one of the fired Patriots’ employees decides to supplement his severance pay with a book deal…..‪#‎whenyoureinaholestopdigging‬?

Today President Obama’s Tuesday fast-track trade deal was stalled in the Senate….by Democrats. And over at Fox News heads are exploding. ‪#‎dowehavetopickaside‬?

Just got a pre-sale notice for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular. So is it time for stores to start decorating?

The U.K. Daily Mail is reporting that the real reason Lindsey Vonn and Tiger Woods split up is that she found out he cheated on her. “I can’t believe Tiger would do that” said nobody.

A woman gave birth on an AIr Canada flight to Japan, and said she hadn’t even known she was pregnant. Another graduate of “Abstinence only” education?

Donald Trump has apparently TRADEMARKED the slogan “Make America Great Again” for his Presidential campaign. Is he trying to top “Mission Accomplished?”

 

Per Duane Kuiper, ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are hitting 5 for 26 with the bases loaded in 2015. Matt ‪#‎Duffy‬ with the bases loaded is 3 for 4. ‪#‎McGehee‬ who?

The SF Giants have a much maligned farm system.  But starting today. Pitcher Chris Heston, catcher Buster Posey, first baseman Brandon Belt, second baseman Joe Panik, shortshop Brandon Crawford, and third baseball Matt Duffy. Every single one of them home-grown talent.

MLB has tightened security for its game balls after Deflategate. Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson commented “Obviously, there’s not as much that you can do to baseballs. I mean, you can’t change the density of the baseball at any point — unless you dunk them in water. Then they’re going to be 9 ounces, and everyone’s going to blow their arms out.” Hmm. wonder how he knew that?

Lindsay Lohan, who still has more than half of her 250 mandated community service hours to go from a 2013 reckless driving conviction, apparently missed her first day Tuesday at a Brooklyn preschool. This could really put her in jeopardy with Hollywood’s “37 strikes and you’re out” policy.

Immortality and other options.

March 25, 2015

Still so impressed by Mo’ne Davis’s gracious response to the baseball playing idiot who posted an offensive tweet about her. And my sense is we will be hearing about Mo’ne and what she accomplishes in her life for a long time. As opposed to what’s his name.

 

Remember “Jon and Kate Plus 8?” Now former reality star Jon Gosselin says he is considering running for the state legislature in Pennsylvania. Gosselin hasn’t said what party, which will no doubt set up a heated battle between Dems and the GOP. “You take him, no YOU take him.”

GOP Rep. Peter King just referred to Ted Cruz as a “carnival barker.” Prompting calls for an apology. From carnival barkers.

A Detroit TV reporter who asked Jim Harbaugh if he is worth the 7-year $38 million contract he signed. And the new Michigan coach responded “No.” You start seeing why Harbaugh is back at the college level. He’s too honest to be an NFL coach.

Indiana Senator Dan Coats retired in 1998. Evan Bayh ran for and won his seat. Then Bayh retired in 2010 and Coats came back and won the seat again. Now Coats is retiring once more. All eyes are on Bayh. If Evan runs will he offer a job as a special consultant to Brett Favre?

At Miller Park this year, the Milwaukee Brewers will sell “Deep Fried Nachos” – beef and beans, rolled in crushed Doritos, fried on a stick and topped with sour cream and cheese. Fans can presumably buy a package including Nacho sticks, a beer, and a turn at the defibrillator.

You cannot make this “stuff” up.    Ted Cruz, who in announcing his candidacy for the Presidency said Monday that he would work to repeat Obamacare, said Tuesday that because his wife is leaving her Goldman Sachs job and losing her insurance that he will sign up for Obamacare.

(as my friend Ian reminds us “You do not like them. SO you say.  Try them! Try them!  And you may. Try them and you may I say.)

 

 

Wisconsin men’s basketball forward Sam Dekker on coach Bo Ryan’s game plan. “We try not to do dumb stuff.” So if the Badgers win it all this year, maybe Ryan could retire and run for Congress?

 

Miss Universe Japan, who was apparently born and raised in Nagasaki, is being criticized by some as not Japanese enough because she is biracial. (Mom is Japanese, dad is African-American.) Out of habit, Donald Trump is demanding to see her birth certificate.

The NFL has announced they are planning a “golden” celebration all year for the upcoming 50th Super Bowl. And of course to attend the game, SERIOUS gold will be required.

Jason Collins testified today against a bill in Indiana that would allow business owners in the state to deny service to same-sex couples for religious reasons. So will the bill also allow hotel owners to demand to see marriage licenses for couples booking a room? Or proof of being a married couple of childbearing age for Viagra prescriptions? For starters?

Sad news about Germanwings (4U) 9525. These airline crashes provoke such different reactions: Friends and families are devastated, the travel industry tries to reassure other travelers, and CNN and media are trying not to appear thankful for the ratings boost.

Wrecks and more wrecks.

March 4, 2015

Jim Harbaugh apparently stopped to help two women who were injured in a car accident on the interstate in Michigan this afternoon. Kudos to Jim, but makes sense, after dealing with 49ers management Harbaugh probably found a car wreck easier to deal with than a train wreck.

Sweet Briar college has announced that for financial reasons, they are shutting down at the end of the academic year. What a shame. No doubt some SEC school would have offered the college $1 million to play them in football.

Edward Snowden’s lawyer says he that Snowden wants to return to the United States if he’s guaranteed a fair trial. Sounds like someone’s had enough of living in Russia.

During the Aaron Hernandez trial today, a maid testified at his murder trial that she saw him “messing with” the security camera in his basement the day after the killing. You do again have to wonder, as stupid as Hernandez seems to be, how did he stay out of jail for so long?

The SF Chronicle has reported that Jim Harbaugh exhibits have been removed from the 49ers museum at Levi’s Stadium. Guess Jed York wants fans to remember the halcyon days of Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary.

 

Do they have online medical schools now or something? Dr. David Samadi, on Fox & Friends last weekend. “Now we have crack babies coming in because pregnant women are smoking this whole marijuana business.” ‪#‎facepalm‬

(I looked it up, Dr. Samadi is an expert on prostate cancer…. Figures.)

Hillary Clinton apparently used a private email address instead of a government address while she was secretary of state.    Which probably translates to  “same lack of security, different hackers.”

Here’s what I really don’t get on the Hillary Clinton email story. Okay. so she must have sent tens of thousands of emails, at least, in four years. And if it was such a big deal on what account she used, somehow none of her recipients saw fit to make an issue of it at the time?

Maryland Child Protective Services will now keep a file open on two parents after they were found responsible for ‘unsubstantiated’ child neglect. This for letting their 10 and 6 year old children walk together by themselves a mile home from the park. If only they had just let their kids play at home with guns….

Seven players were ejected after a bench clearing fight during last night’s Texas-Baylor men’s basketball game. The schools may review the tape for possible further discipline, and their football programs may review the tape for possible recruiting

 

After Billy Bean visited the Mets clubhouse, Daniel Murphy spoke at length to the NY Daily News about his feelings. “I disagree with the lifestyle. But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love a teammate who is gay.” And he added “And I completely understand why someone who believes it is not a choice, that you’re born with it, would take issue with my beliefs, that it is a lifestyle.”

Ought to be very interesting what kind of service Murphy gets in restaurants and from flight attendants this year. And guessing the guy is NEVER going to play 2nd for San Francisco.

(Have no problem with differing beliefs, but what WAS Daniel thinking?. Might be hard for a team right now to sign an openly gay player, but it’s easy NOT to sign a mid-level player who will alienate any significant part of a fan base.)

 

 

New Oakland SS Marcus Semien hit a home run of Madison Bumgarner today in the team’s spring training opener against the SF Giants. And followed that with another home run and an RBI single. If this keeps up,Semein can count on the A’s trading him midseason.

 

 

From Neal, on ISIS threatening Twitter CEO and employees for not allowing their posts:   “They destroy ancient statues and artifacts but they want Twitter..