Posted tagged ‘Cruz jokes’
September 23, 2016
Whatever you think of Wild Cards in #MLB, without them there might not be a single game that would matter for last week of the season.
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Okay, the #SFGiants have about 100 pitchers in their bullpen and in a one-run game in the 5th they turn it over to Matt Reynolds? #WTF?
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New England QB Jacoby Brissett has a thumb injury. Gosh, hope the #Patriots have someone in mind as a long-term possible replacement.
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The Raiders’ Marquette King was fined over $18K for horse collar tackle last week. King is the team’s PUNTER. Wonder if he’s going to frame the NFL fine notice?
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#KevinGarnett announced his retirement today. “The first time is the hardest” said Brett Favre.
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Colin Kaepernick is on the cover of Time Magazine. Whatever you think of his protest nice to see an NFL player getting this much off-field media attention without his own arrest being involved.
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Backup Seattle catcher Steve Clevenger has been suspended for tweeting about Charlotte: “BLM is pathetic once again! Obama you are pathetic! Everyone involved should be behind bars like animals!”
Clevenger has apologized and said he is not racist. But have to think the Mariners suspended him not just for racism but stupidity.
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The Ohio county chair for Donald Trump’s who said “I don’t think there was any racism until Obama got elected” has resigned. Wonder if she’s already gotten a job offer from Fox News?
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Does the #Patriots 3-0 start officially eliminate #TomBrady from this year’s NFL MVP competition?
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So Ted Cruz has now endorsed Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian says after a long talk with Caitlyn that she’s on the fence. #Wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket
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#TedCruz thought that Americans would elect him to stand up to our enemies? In the end, he couldn’t even stand up to #Trump
Bruce Springsteen called Donald Trump “a moron.” Chris Christie hasn’t felt so conflicted since he had to choose between the last two doughnuts on a plate.
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#Trump tweeted out today “This is more than a campaign- it is a movement.” Uh, yeah, he left out a word – bowel.
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A thought about tweets that get people in trouble. Yes, I get that it’s hard to say exactly what you mean in 140 characters. But if you’re a public figure without the gift of being succinct, maybe stick to Facebook?
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#DonaldTrump called #TedCruz “the worst liar he’s ever known.” #Cruz called #Trump a “pathological liar.” Credit where credit is due.
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To put this in sports terms, this is like them deciding to root for the Browns over the Bengals:
“The Cincinnati Enquirer has supported Republicans for president for almost a century — a tradition this editorial board doesn’t take lightly. But this is not a traditional race, and these are not traditional times.
Our country needs calm, thoughtful leadership to deal with the challenges we face at home and abroad. We need a leader who will bring out the best in all Americans, not the worst.
That’s why there is only one choice when we elect a president in November: Hillary Clinton.”
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Here we go again. Another mass shooting, this time at a mall in the state of Washington. The alleged suspect is a reportedly a Hispanic male. So if true he’s mentally ill, not a terrorist. Unless he is an immigrant….. Sigh.
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brady jokes, Cruz jokes, garnett jokes, Janice Hough, Patriots jokes, Raider jokes, Trump jokes, wild card jokes
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July 21, 2016
“I gratefully accept your nomination for President of United States”. So okay, who was holding out a shred of hope #Trump might say “Just kidding?
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So regarding the hashtag #TrumpIsWithYou. Can America get a restraining order?
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So somehow I missed the part about poor young American women having modeling jobs taken from them by immigrants. #TrumpSpeech
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Just guessing during this campaign that #Trump is not going to be plagiarizing Teddy Roosevelt on that “speak softly” part.
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If #Trump is half as wonderful a boss to little people as his daughter claims wonder why 1 or 2 of them aren’t speaking at #RNCinCLE ?
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Tom Barrack, about Trump “You learn how to be a man by watching your father.” So does that mean Donald Jr, and Eric will soon be trading in their wives for younger models?
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“When you have my father in your corner you will never have to worry about being let down”. Unless you married him. #Ivanka
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If America really wants an orange president is it too late to draft an oompa loompa?
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If America was half as bad as #Trump is saying tonight why are all these immigrants trying to come here?
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Now I understand why #Trump is so orange. Because it makes it impossible to tell how red he is in the face.
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So wonder how many of those #RNC delegates who actually cheered Trump talking about #LGBTQ community knew he was talking about gay people?
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Trump Campaign chief Paul Manafort on sexism allegations, some women will vote Trump because their HUSBANDS “have trouble paying for family bills,”
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Wonder how many reasonable Republicans are wondering how quickly we could repeal the 22nd amendment? #RNCinCLE #Trump #Obama3rdterm
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Uh, does #Trump know that #MikePence did such a good job in Indiana that he might not have been re-elected this November?
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So #Ivanka takes about “affordable and accessible child care.” Uh, has she listened to her father about that wall? #RNCinCLE
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Is this what it felt like to be watching in early 1930s Germany? #RNCinCLE
#SFGiants had night off. Fans who turned in to #RNCinCLE discovered there are scarier things than Casilla coming in with a 1 run lead.
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To extend her 15 minutes, #RielleHunter brings 8-yr-old daughter w/ #JohnEdwards on #GMA. Reminds us both #Dems & #GOP make bad VP choices.
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Rielle Hunter, John Edwards’ former mistress, has written a book children’s book, let their 8-yr-old daughter illustrate it, and has now given an interview with Good Morning America, along with the kid by her side, on what “great co-parents” she and her ex-lover are.
Uh, just thinking even a semi-great parent wouldn’t throw a poor little girl who was born into pretty embarrassing circumstances, into the public eye. #cantfixstupid #cantfixnarcissisticeither.
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Many RNC delegates thought #TedCruz was condescending, and that’s before they had to look up “servile.” #servilepuppydog #RNCinCLE
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Now it looks like not only does Melania Trump not have a college degree in design and architecture as claimed, she may not even have attended university. So maybe she didn’t even learn there was a thing called “plagiarism.”
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Silly commotion over #MegynKelly‘s top at #RNCinCLE yesterday. Could have been worse, person in skimpy outfit could’ve been #ChrisChristie
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Ted Cruz is being attacked by many at the RNC for saying last night to “vote your conscience.” For implying that most of them HAVE a conscience?
Reports are that the NBA is moving the 2017 All-Star game from Charlotte to New Orleans over North Carolina’s anti-LGBT law. And guessing players are thrilled over this display of progressive values- who wouldn’t prefer to spend the week in New Orleans?
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MLB commissioner Rob Manfred talked today about limiting the use of relievers “Our relief pitchers have become so dominate at the back end that they actually rob action out of the end of the game, the last few innings of the game.”
Uh, clearly Manfred hasn’t been staying up late enough to watch many SF Giants games.
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Today is #NationalJunkFoodDay Come on, this is America, EVERY day is National Junk Food Day.
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A new company has developed, “Modobag,” which they say is the world’s first rideable motorized luggage And you think travelers rushing through the airports while looking at their phones are a menace now
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Trumpiswithyou, Cruz jokes, Donald Trump jokes, ivanka jokes, Janice Hough, RNC jokes, trump speech jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
July 20, 2016
Right about now after the last week both the SF Giants and GOP have to be hoping to see Bobby come out of that shower. #Dallas
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#SFGiants have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.
#SFGiants feeling sorry for #Dodgers with #Kershaw potentially needing back surgery. Maybe they can ship #Cain to #LA as a replacement.
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#SFGiants have had the lead in exactly one inning since the All-Star break.
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The Big 12 is thinking of expanding in football, from 10 teams to 12. Arithmetic, what a concept.
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Paul Ryan, at a meeting of the Texas GOP, talked about the football rivalries like A&M and Texas, “When one of the teams advances to a big bowl game or a national championship, don’t you root for the Aggies if you are a Longhorn?”
The speaker got booed. Good thing Ryan didn’t try that in the Florida delegation with the Gators and Seminoles. He might still be in intensive care.
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Paul Ryan also talked about Ohio State and Michigan rooting for each other in bowl games because they were in the same conference. Does the man realize that Ohio is in an open-carry state?
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Well, not sure what @realDonaldTrump might plagiarize on Thursday, but just guessing it won’t be Reagan’s “tear down that wall.” #RNCinCLE
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Reports are that John #Kasich turned down an offer to be “most powerful VP in history.” So was @HillaryClinton reaching across the aisle?
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So wait, if #MeredithMcIver wrote speech what about lie Melania told about writing it herself. #IOYIYR #IOKIYT (It’s OK if you’re Republican, or Trump.)
#MeredithMcIver to take blame. Will Trump fire her? Not for plagiarizing but for saying for saying Melania always admired #MichelleObama
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Donald Trump “Good news is Melania’s speech got more publicity than any in the history of politics especially if you believe that all press is good press!”
So how is the Donald going to start his speech Thursday? “Four score and seven years ago, all we had to fear was fear itself, but I have a HUGE dream that it’s time for Americans to ask what they can do for their country….”
After watching #RNCinCLE a lot of people are thinking by comparison that #OscarsNotSoWhite
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So, okay, I think I’ve got this straight: The GOP wants Loretta Lynch to be disqualified as U.S. Attorney General for prejudice after her meeting with Bill Clinton. But it’s okay for Chris Christie to have the role after saying Hillary should be locked up. #SMH
N.H. GOP state rep and Trump advisor Al Baldasaro said Hillary Clinton “should be put in the firing line and shot for treason.” Uh, speaking of treason, doesn’t threatening a potential President fall into that category?
So @realDonaldTrump says #TedCruz didn’t “honor his pledge” And who should be more expert on not honoring pledges than man married 3 times.
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Not that I quote Caitlyn Jenner almost ever, but on the bathroom issue, she noted that former Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, former Mississippi Rep. Jon Hinson & former Florida state Rep. Bob Allen had all been arrested for “lewd behavior” in men’s restrooms,
“Maybe what we should do is ban Republican representatives at a state level from being in the men’s room.
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A Florida girl not chosen to be a cheerleader has threatened to sue if she isn’t named to the high school team. #ifonlyshewerearmed
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Apparently many Twitter users were incensed that Megyn Kelly was wearing a spaghetti strap form-fitting top today to cover the RNC for Fox. Probably all Republicans. Democratic women would support Megyn’s right to dress as she pleases, and men would think the incident deserves a longer investigation.
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How often does @HillaryClinton applaud #TedCruz? #RNCinCLE
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Did #Trump give #TedCruz an #RNC speaking slot because Cruz’s dad still might know some of those assassins? #Fearfactor #RNCinCLE
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MikePence, “I’m a Christian, a conservative and a Republican, in that order.” Just like it says in the U.S. Constitution…. #RNCinCLE #WTF?
Categories: baseball jokes, Hillary jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: convention jokes, Cruz jokes, Dodgers jokes, GOP jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, RNC jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
May 11, 2016
For all those who have wondered how Heidi Cruz could possibly put up with Ted, this is Heidi yesterday, saying the campaign was not in vain “God does not work in four-year segments.”Be full of faith and so full of joy that this team was chosen to fight a long battle Think that slavery — it took 25 years to defeat slavery. That is a lot longer than four years.”
And just think, she could have been First Lady. #madeforeachother
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Donald Trump is still stonewalling on calls to release his tax returns, saying in an AP interview. “there’s nothing to learn from them.”
“Nothing to learn…” Am sure the Donald will say the same thing about Hillary’s emails and Goldman Sachs speeches..
#MaxScherzer had 20 strikeouts today. Wonder how many frustrated fans had 1st reaction “Didn’t even know #Nats were playing the #SFGiants
When you are 4 for 43 with RISP shouldn’t it be RIBSP? “Runners in Being Stranded Position.”. #SFGiants
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Figures after a week where the #SFGiants seem to have forgotten they have bats, they win in the 13th without a hit and walk-off walk.
Just when you think humanity can’t go any lower, here’s breaking news out of Florida: “George Zimmerman auctioning off gun that he used in Trayvon Martin shooting.”
Not sure which is lower though about this auction, George or the bidders. #WishthisweretheOnion
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Gwyneth Paltrow has a “lifestyle” site, “Goop,” with various items for sale. Including now a $15,000 24-karat gold plated dildo, which includes “free discreet shipping, A PDF manual, and a 10-year warranty. But it’s not as if Paltrow is out of touch with ordinary people – the site sells a silver model for only $7,900.
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Way to get that sponsor love – Former MLBer Brandon Laird, now playing in Japan, hit a home run off a Kirin beer sign and won $10,000 plus a year’s worth of beer. When asked what he would do with the prize, Laird responded “Definitely not drink it. Maybe give some to the batting practice pitchers or whoever wants it.”
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The NBA has acknowledged they made two mistakes against the Spurs in the end of last night’s loss, first, a non-call when Kawhi Leonard tried to foul Kevin Durant at the end of the game, second a foul called against Danny Green when he was tripped by Steven Adams and fell into Durant.
Well, this ought to do wonders to reassure people who think the league is fixed.
In Massachusetts, a man who was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and told staffers the “devil was playing tricks on his mind,” was released the same day/ He then went on a stabbing rampage, killing two people and injuring two others before he was himself fatally shot by an off-duty deputy. #Ifonlyhewerearmed
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, scherzer jokes, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes, Zimmerman jokes
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May 5, 2016
An 8-1 shot in the #KentuckyDerby is a horse named “#Exaggerator .” Waiting for #DonaldTrump to sue for copyright infringement.
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The next GOP primary is in Nebraska. With Ted Cruz having dropped out at least Carly Fiorina doesn’t have to spend time researching a horse that comes from the Cornhusker state, so she can say she’s rooting for him in the Kentucky Derby.
SF Giants reliever Vin Mazzaro May 2, 2 outs, 1 hit, 0 earned runs and a win relieving Johnny Cueto. May 5, relieving Matt Cain, Mazzaro got 1 out, with six hits and 9 earned runs #Baseballisacruelgame #SFGiants
With each pitch #timlincecum‘s asking price is going up. #SFGiants
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The Dodgers have suspended SS Erisbel Arruebarrena for the remainder of the season “for his repeated failure to comply with the terms of his contract.” Well, that and for hitting .182. #teamsdontsuspendsuperstars
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Apparently some Hawks players were upset that the Cavaliers, including bench players, kept shooting 3-point shots to set the all-time NBA record last night – (25) with the game not even close. Here’s a hint to Atlanta, don’t want a team to set a 3-point shooting record against you? Start playing defense.
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A recently published PennLive story says former coach Joe Paterno allegedly was told about accused child sexual abuse Jerry Sandusky in 1976. Guessing that Paterno statue that was temporarily removed from its place on campus going to stay in its hidden “secure location.”
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In Hong Kong, KFC is introducing edible nail polish that supposedly tastes like chicken. WTF? KFC’s fried chicken doesn’t really actually taste like chicken.
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John McCain says that Donald Trump’s heading the GOP ticket could make the Senate’s re-election bid “the race of my life,” because of how unpopular Trump is with Hispanics.
Yeah, it’s a real bummer when a loose cannon on the Presidential ticket threatens the party’s candidates in state races.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.
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A bodyguard who was fired by Kanye West for allegedly trying to hit on Kim Kardashian says he didn’t do anything wrong and that Kanye is ‘the most self-absorbed person’ he’s ever met. Hmm, another potential running mate for Trump?
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Open note to @realDonaldTrump on your running mate pick – @SarahPalinUSA is available. Love, all U.S. comedy writers.
Donald Trump tweeted on Thursday. “Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”
#wrongonsomanylevels #guessheswritingoffcaliforniatexasandarizona
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Paul Ryan “I’m just not ready to do that (support Donald Trump) at this point, I’m not there right now, and I hope to, though, and I want to, but I think what is required is that we unify this party.”
Waiting for one of these wimps to say, “You know what. Screw it. I’m voting for Hillary but support your local GOP candidates. We can survive four more Clinton years with a Republican House and Senate.”
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Johnny Manziel, who is out on bail, has been ordered by a Texas judge to have no contact at all with his former girlfriend. And we all know how well Manziel follows instructions.
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Police in Arizona have decided to drop felony charges against a high school football player who exposed his penis in a yearbook picture “on a dare,” The relieved kid told a local reporter “God is on my side and I’m blessed [by] everything that’s happened from the support side.”
Uh, it’s Arizona. He shouldn’t be thanking God, but rather the fact he’s a white, heterosexual football player.
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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Arizona jokes, Cavaliers jokes, Cinco de Mayo jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky Derby jokes, McCain jokes, Paterno jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes
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May 4, 2016
Caitlyn Jenner, 66, reportedly will appear on an upcoming cover of SI for the 40th anniversary of her 1976 Olympic decathlon win, wearing “nothing but an American flag and her Olympic medal.”
Uh, leave the transgender stuff aside. How many people want to see a picture of ANY 66 year old person naked?
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While unemployment is down in the USA, a good thing, productivity is also down, which is disturbing. Wondering how many American workers have posted about this trend on Facebook.
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So it was only last year that the bones of Richard III were reinterred from under a carpark to Leicester Cathedral. And now Leicester City, a 5,000 to 1 shot, has won the English Premier League. #Coincidence?
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ESPN’s OTL is reporting that MLB will announce another suspension for Turinabol, which was a steroid favored by East German athletes in the 1970s. And with improved testing, no doubt other suspensions will follow.
Really, an East German drug from the 1970s? Well, baseball always has had a reputation as a sport that reveres the past.
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USA Today headline “Losing Pablo Sandoval may be best for Red Sox.” Same thing can definitely be said for #SFGiants.
OKC’s Dion Waiters, talking about San Antonio and LaMarcus Aldridge “One man can’t beat you.” Right, because the Spurs always run such a one-man offense.
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John Kasich “As I suspend my campaign today, I have renewed faith, deeper faith, that the Lord will show me the way forward.”
And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I didn’t tell any of you clowns to run in the first place.”
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So with Kasich dropping out tonight can we officially refer to the #GOP race as “Last Comic Standing?”
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Unhappiest people in the GOP right about now have to be those in California who were counting on a contested race to help Republican turnout in June. (California has a top-two primary, so a GOP candidate is not guaranteed to get on the November ballot.)
Emma Watson said she wore a dress made of recycled plastic bottles to N.Y.s’ Met Gala. Well, that’s a change, having an actress appear publicly with plastic on the outside of her body..
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Disneyland shut down their California Screamin’ roller coaster for an hour after a passenger was spotting using a selfie stick on it. When Disney restarted the coaster, couldn’t they just let the offending guest take the first ride solo with her/her stick, and no seat belt? #Darwinwouldbesoproud
#SFGiants fans are understandably less than thrilled with Jake Peavy this year. On other hand, Zack Greinke has a 5.50 ERA #dodgedabullet?
Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill raising the minimum smoking age in California to 21. Many teenagers shrugged – “he’s only talking about cigarettes.”
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It now looks like a choice between Hillary & Trump. And millions of Americans are wishing another choice was to repeal that 22nd amendment.
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Line of the night. The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah, who is from South Africa, on watching Trump take the GOP nomination: “I’m from a Third World country. It looks like you are headed to one.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, California jokes, Cruz jokes, Disney jokes, Janice Hough, kasich jokes, Leicester jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
May 3, 2016
Ted Cruz has announcing he is dropping out of the GOP race. Wow. #CarlyFiorina tanked that campaign even faster than she tanked #HP
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Maybe #CarlyFiorina did bring something to the #TedCruz campaign after all – lots of leftover staff layoff notices?
So who’d a thunk the #GOP Primary might be down to one candidate before the Democrats?
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So wonder how much we Democrats can fundraise to convince #CarlyFiorina to volunteer for #DonaldTrump‘s campaign?
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#Trump called #TedCruz tonight “a great guy with one hellava future.” Doesn’t he mean a future in hell? #Lucifer
Headline “Ted Cruz Suspends Campaign After Primary Loss in Indiana.” Wait, don’t suspensions generally follow enhanced performances?
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Donald Trump is now close to clinching the GOP nomination, so talk may soon turn to his potential running mate. The Donald has mentioned picking a woman. Well, considering his popularity within the party and the voters apparent love for a reality TV star with no political experience, maybe Trump is considering a Kardashian?
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Okay, who besides me regularly sees things that reportedly come out of #Trump‘s mouth & has to double check that it’s not #theOnion?
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Regarding the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Eric Trump told news outlets that Obama’s jokes about his dad were “all in good fun,” but “we are going to be there next year.”
Hmm, so they’re going to accept Hillary’s invitation?
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Earlier today, Donald Trump, apparently not content with his lead over Cruz in the polls, is now onto the National Enquirer story about Cruz’s dad “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. That was reported, and nobody talks about it… What was he doing? What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death, before the shooting? It’s horrible”
And millions of Americans thought this race couldn’t get any crazier. #weveonlyjustbegun
It was just announced that the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Neil Young, Roger Waters and the Who will all perform in a 3 day-concert festival in Indio, California this October.
Maybe with all these rock and roll deaths they figured they’d better get together before it’s too late? #concertfortheages #concertfortheaged
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This mega concert with the Stones, McCartney, Dylan, etc this October should be notable in many respects. For one thing, it may be the first festival to forego portapotties in favor of Depends.
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You know Justin Verlander’s pitching has been going downhill when the CNN headline is “Model Kate Upton gets engaged.”
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A record 16 #TonyAwards nominations for #Hamilton?!. Gosh, hope this doesn’t make tickets too hard to get.
The SF Chronicle reports that Northern California’s Bitmicro Networks Inc. which manufactures flash storage systems, has agreed to pay about $161,268 in back wages to engineers from the Philippines. The company brought them here, housed them in a hotel, and illegally paid them about $2 an hour. Bitmicro claimed that the wage issue was an oversight.
Right, it was an oversight that someone didn’t do a better job of hiding the foreign workers’ pay rate.
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The Second Circuit Court of Appeals has granted Tom Brady and the NFLPA a 14-day extension on Tuesday to file for a rehearing on “Deflategate.” Right, because this whole saga hasn’t gone on for nearly long enough.
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The NBA’s last two-minute review admits five missed calls at end of last night’s Spurs-Thunder playoff game. Only five?
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Carly Fiorina jokes, carly fiorinia jokes, Cruz jokes, Enquirer jokes, Janice Hough, rolling stones concert, Trump jokes
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May 2, 2016
If you had to say one good thing about NBA refs it’s that they make you appreciate MLB umpires.
Well this ought to do wonders for those who say #NBA games are fixed. #offensivefoul #OKCvsSAS #Spurs
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Not saying Ginoboli got hacked on that inbound at the end of the Oklahoma City -San Antonio game, but 7 of 10 NFL refs might have called a penalty.
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In Cincinnati, Johnny Cueto got a nice ovation from #Reds fans just by showing up. He didn’t have to thank them by pitching batting practice in the 3rd #SFGiants
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Although, while Cueto did give up six runs, he also got a couple RBI’s. The #SFGiants are leading baseball with pitchers with hits and RBI’s. 11 each. #wedontneednostinkingDH #Pitcherswhorake
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A marijuana dispensary is apparently interested in taking over the naming rights for the Denver Broncos’ Sports Authority stadium. Leaving aside the Mile High jokes, this could really be a great marketing partnership for Peyton Manning’s Papa John’s pizza.
Pablo Sandoval has had shoulder surgery and will miss the rest of the 2016 season. Maybe to improve the Panda’s chances in 2017 the Red Sox will request a two-handed sling that makes it impossible for him to hold a fork?
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Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, The Who, Bob Dylan and Roger Waters all posted on social media with an apparent tease for a mega concert this October. Shocking! All those old farts know how to use social media?
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Sports Authority is liquidating all its stores. Sports Authority still had stores?
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Ted Cruz on the campaign trail “we will not give into evil….” This is the man who put Carly Fiorina on his ticket?
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Carly Fiorina felt off a stage at a Cruz rally today. As opposed to Cruz’s campaign itself, which seems to have fallen off a cliff.
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Really? Now, I know there is no love lost between ESPN and Curt Schilling, and Schilling was an idiot to keep posting incendiary stuff after his employers told him to stop. But now the network aired an “30 for 30” about the Red Sox miracle ALCS comeback in 2004 against the Yankees and cut out the “bloody sock” game.
What are we, folks, ten year old boys?
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Turing Pharmaceuticals, Martin Shkreli’s former company, which raised the price of an AIDS drug 5,000% has been sued for breach of contract by the company that let it sell the drug in the first place.
Not sure which lawyers Turing might get for their defense – maybe some who find the Cruz campaign too warm and fuzzy?
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Old Navy is now getting heat from internet trolls over an ad featuring an interracial family. Ok, now as misguided as these folks are who are against transgenders in bathrooms over the fear factor, who exactly do they expect an interracial family to hurt?
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While we’re at it, assume none of these anti-interracial family trolls are sports fans….particularly of the NBA – Tony Parker, Klay Thompson, Blake Griffin…. for starters. And then there’s Derek Jeter.
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Donald Trump is criticizing Hillary Clinton for her “off the reservation” comment, saying “If I made that statement about women, then there’d be front page headlines I think it’s a very nasty statement to men…”
I think even the pot and the kettle are both giggling.
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Four Auburn sophomore football players were arrested on misdemeanor marijuana charges last weekend, three who were reserves, and one, Carlton Davis III, who was a freshman All-American. Coach Gus Malzahn said “we will handle the matter appropriately.
Translation, the three reserves might be suspended for Auburn’s opener against Clemson, and Davis III might be suspended for the Tigers’ second game against Arkansas State.
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We Americans love underdogs. So we can happily congratulate #Leicester on a great Premier League championship. Without ever watching a soccer game.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #offensivefoul, Carly Fiorina jokes, Cruz jokes, cueto jokes, SFGiants jokes, Spurs jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
April 20, 2016
Former slave #HarrietTubman replaces slave owner #AndrewJackson on the $20. Mean bitch karma for the much delayed win!
So at this point in #NBAPlayoffs is the question less if there will be an upset than if one first round matchup will actually go 6 games?
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Although it’s April 20. So guess what folks? We’re exactly only 60 days from a possible game 7 in the #NBAFinals #NBAPlayoffs
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ESPN just fired #CurtSchilling. Too soon to start a pool as to when he might be hired by #FoxNews?
Marc Ragovin suggested last night that after Schilling included an offensive cartoon in a Twitter post defending North Carolina’s anti-LGBT law. “Hey Curt, put a bloody sock in it.”
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Border agents just discovered a 2,600 ft tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego, with ventilation, a rail system and an elevator. Uh, Trump, about that wall…..
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Nike has ended its contract with Johnny Manziel. Alas, the QB couldn’t seem to figure out the slogan wasn’t “Just OverDo It.”
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Ted Cruz wrote a whining fundraising email about the sacrifices he is making to run for President – no sleep, no personal time, no family time…. And somewhere God is thinking. “Take a hint Ted, and go home.”
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Bernie Sanders was complaining tonight that “about 3 million” New Yorkers “were unable to vote today because they had registered as Independents, not Democrats or Republicans.” Uh yes, that’s why they call them party primaries.
Maybe six months ago the campaign should have thought of getting people to register as Democrats if Sanders wanted to run as a Democrat….
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While some Democrats are battling over admittedly at times complicated primary rules, have to think some in the GOP are just laughing as they tighten voting rules for the general election. #theREALthreattodemocracy
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Is it wrong that I’ve never watched #LiveWithKellyandMichael, have no idea who’s in the right, and don’t really give a damn? .
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Is this really the best marketing line? A Sephora email says “Glow like you just came back from Rio.” Uh, with the Zika and the toxins in the water etc., have to think, could you come back radioactive too?
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Chicago Blackhawks forward Andrew Shaw, who at first claimed he didn’t “know what’s said” has now apologized for a gay slur directed at a referee Tuesday night “When I got home and saw the video, it was evident that what I did was wrong, no matter the circumstances.”
So he needed to see the video to know what he said? Does Shaw aspire to a career in politics?
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Uh oh, Ben Carson’s been on the Daily Show and now he thinks he’s relevant again…..”I think Andrew Jackson was a tremendous secretary. I mean a tremendous president…. I love Harriet Tubman,” said Carson. “I love what she did. But we can find another way to honor her. Maybe a $2 bill.”
At least he didn’t say $3 bill.
Just wondering, since inflation has hit everything else in the SF Bay Area, why does Facebook still cap you at 5,000 friends?
(and no, I don’t have 5,000 FB friends. But people who I know do, and they can’t add me. #reflectedglory)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: $20 bill jokes, Andrew Jackson jokes, Cruz jokes, Curt Schilling jokes, Janice Hough, NBA playoffs jokes, Nike jokes, sanders jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 19, 2016
#Spurs tonight honored a couple celebrating 75th wedding anniversary at game. Fitting as their honeymoon was during Duncan’s rookie year.
Johnny Manziel, dropped by his agent, said in a statement he’s hoping to “take care of issues” and “play in 2016,”
Alas for Manziel, “play” hasn’t been the problem, “work” has.
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Pat Boone is saying that SNL is in league with Satan after a skit where a baker refused to bake wedding cake for a gay couple, titled “God is a boob man.” Of course, these days that seems increasingly true, He/She has certainly created a lot of boobs. Including Pat Boone.
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Whole Foods is opening two “affordable” 365 stores in the SF Bay Area. So will they be nicknamed “Half paycheck?”
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The British Government has indicated they will not be going for the public’s choice for their new research vessel – “Boaty McBoatface” Ah, come on, they don’t want to have the popular research boat in the world. #BoatyMcBoatface would probably end up with its own social media accounts and fan clubs….. #nofun
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If the Brits don’t want “Boaty McBoatface” can the U.S. borrow it?. Surely there is a Navy boat worthy of the name?
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One bit of bipartisan good news ahead. After tonight we won’t have to hear 24-7 about the New York primary.
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Donald Trump has now confused 9-11 with 7-Eleven. And the convenience store says “Don’t blame us, not even our Slurpees give you that much of a brain freeze.”
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NY Rep. Peter King before the primary “I hate Ted Cruz, and I think I’ll take cyanide if he ever got the nomination.” And no doubt at least some New Yorkers were thinking “promise?”
What’s more surprising, the size of #Trump‘s margin, or fact that 15% of New Yorkers actually voted for a Texan who trashed NY values? #NYPrimary
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#Trump says #Cruz just about “mathematically eliminated.” Which would mean something if #GOP paid attention to liberal concepts like math
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The Houston Chronicle reports at that “at least 22” local GOP conventions passed “secession items”, which could be brought up at the state conference in May. Now, there are hundreds of local conventions. But it could be fun. And would secession make Ted Cruz ineligible to run for President? #wecandream
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Utah’s governor is about to sign a bill saying that pornography is “a public health hazard leading to a broad spectrum of individual and public health impacts and societal harms.”
So when men feel the urge to look at porn they should just go look for another wife?
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Ted Cruz today “America has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat.” Uh, WTF? Is Ted trying to be banned from from Utah under their new porn law?
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Tennessee majority leader Gerald McCormick is upset with businesses spoke out about the proposed LGBT bathroom law. “these companies who tried to blackmail us for this thing, when they come for their corporate welfare checks next year, we need to have a list out and keep an eye on them.”
But for the others, those corporate welfare checks will just keep on coming. Glad McCormick cleared that up.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, texas jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: boaty mcboatface jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, ny primary jokes, Pat Boone jokes, Trump jokes, utah jokes, Whole Foods jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
April 7, 2016
Caught a five hour case of flu today. #Giantsfever. #BeatLA
#Dodgers team ERA for year just went from zero to over three in four innings #SFGiants #SFGiantsOpeningDay
San Diego heads to Coors Field without having scored a run in any of their first three games. Are the Padres trying to be the official MLB team of Coke Zero?
(Frank. W. says, “of course the Padres haven’t scored this season. Padres are supposed to be celibate.)
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Waiting for an atheist to file a “freedom from religion” lawsuit against playing “God Bless America” at baseball games #SFGiantsOpeningDay
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20,000 of Ivanka Trump’s branded scarves are being recalled due to a “burn risk.” But that’s not the interesting part, the Donald’s daughter has her scarves made in China. #onlylittlepeoplepaytariffs?
Wynn Resorts founder Steve Wynn reportedly told investors “Rich people only like being around rich people. Nobody likes being around poor people, especially poor people.” Hmm, is Wynn angling for a position in a possible Trump cabinet?
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Whole Foods is opening “Whole Foods 365” in Los Angeles this May. They say it will be their first “budget-friendly” store. So folks, we have a new nominee for 2016’s top oxymoron.
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In London, footage is circulating of a mysterious large shape apparently swimming in the Thames river, leading some to speculate about the Loch Ness Monster. It would of course, be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie on Spring Break joke.
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A recent poll found that Donald Trump is disliked by 7 out of 10 people. And Ted Cruz is thinking “amateur.”
Ted Cruz is not backing down from his “New York values” comment. Translation, Cruz knows he’ll lose New York and figures the criticism will help him in other states.
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Actually if Cruz really had the cojones to thumb his nose at New Yorkers he’d get photographed eating pizza with a fork.
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So all these Republicans who can’t stand Ted Cruz are supporting him because they hate Donald Trump more. Now, one question if he actually gets elected – how is the GOP going to find enough people to put up with him and serve in a Cruz cabinet?
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So the latest attack on Hillary Clinton is that she needed several swipes to get her Metrocard to work on the NY subway. You mean it’s possible to get it right on the first try?
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So I would take these “religious freedom” types much more seriously if, for example, before they served heterosexual couples they would require to prove they were married, to each other. And refused to bake wedding cakes for any couple who wouldn’t swear they were both virgins.
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Must be nice to be such a special snowflake that you can not only ignore the request on the train to turn cellphones to vibrate but you can keep a phone conversation going for a good 20 to 30 minutes. #sarcasm
#AmericanIdol reminds us on #IdolFinale of one reason the show is ending. #toomanywrongchoices #toomanyforgettablewinners
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, Giants jokes, god bless america jokes, Janice Hough, Padres jokes, SF Giants jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
March 25, 2016
This year the Arizona Diamondbacks will debut a Cheeseburger Dog:. It’s a hot dog made of ground up grilled hamburgers mixed with cheese, green onions and chopped bacon, breaded, deep-fried and then served on a bun with more bacon and “secret sauce.” The sauce ingredients presumably include beta-blockers.
Stanford has hired UAB’s Jerod Haase as their new men’s basketball coach. The school did warn Haase that his players will have distractions now, like class?
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In New Jersey, police said a couple having sex in an SUV were found dead this morning of carbon monoxide poisoning. Now that I suppose is the ultimate Darwin award – taking yourself out of the gene pool WHILE reproducing.
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The National Enquirer is alleging that Ted Cruz had several extra-marital affairs. Shocking. There might be more than one woman who actually wanted to sleep with him?
Ted Cruz is claiming that the National Enquirer story about his alleged affairs is “complete and utter lies,” and “this garbage does not belong in politics.” Right, you should stick to lying about your opponents dropping out of the race.
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On the brighter side for Ted Cruz maybe he can spin this Enquirer story as being the only candidate young enough running for President who people might believe still has sex?
As the #CruzSexScandal unfolds, waiting for #Trump to declare pridefully “I marry MY mistresses.”
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Well, and who would believe the #NationalEnquirer? #CruzSexScandal #JohnEdwards
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So let’s open up the pool. If it’s Trump or Cruz – list your prediction for the first big-name Republican to come out and say “F*ck it, I’m voting for Hillary and we’ll regroup for 2020 to make her a one-term President.”
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Whatever the FBI discovers, time may be on Hillary Clinton’s side with this supposed email scandal. As it may not be long until most people won’t even remember what a Blackberry was.
Several thousand people have apparently signed a petition to allow the carrying of firearms in and around Cleveland’s Quicken Loans Arena, which will host the 2016 Republican National Convention in July.
Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? As a Democrat I have no problem with their petition. #cullingtheherd
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At SMU, a former sorority member has filed a lawsuit saying the Kappa Kappa Gamma’s required her and others to dance semi-naked in front of incoming freshman, and then had the “house mom” secretly record a tape the chapter then used for blackmail.
So, yes, not all the evils of the world can be put down to testosterone poisoning.
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From Gary Bachman: “The National Enquirer claims Ted Cruz had extramarital affairs with five women. ‘Amateur’ said Bill Clinton.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, Enquirer jokes, New Jersey jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
March 24, 2016
Today #Cruz called #Trump a “sniveling coward.” So in Presidential debates can we expect one of them to say “#Hillary you ignorant slut?”
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The GOP has hammered Obama for staying in Cuba and then traveling to Argentina after the Brussels attacks. Right, a real leader would have stayed home and fought a Twitter battle over his opponent’s spouses?
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Today was the 15th anniversary of the day Randy Johnson pulverized a bird with a pitch. Poor bird, if he had only been hit by Barry Zito, he’d have been telling the story to his grandchicks.
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#RGIII has signed with the Cleveland #Browns. Same circus, different ringmaster?
In Indiana, it is now illegal to abort a pregnancy because of fetal abnormalities. But no doubt the “pro-life” folks will also make sure mothers of disabled babies/children/adults will have welfare and medical care as long as they need it…… #sarcasm
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In Palm Bay, a 24-year-old woman, angry her boyfriend was at a topless bar, confronted him in the parking lot, fought with him, and then ran him over with a car Back on your game, Florida. #ifonlyshewasarmed
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Florida looking to extend their lead for the week: A woman and her husband were both arrested after she hit him with a Burrito Supreme and he responded by stabbing her in the hand with a fork he was using to eat a Taco Bell pizza. #standyourguacamole?
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Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians, saying only “fools” don’t want their kids to play football. “This is the greatest game in the world I think it teaches more values than any other game that you play.”
Right, that’s why the NFL leads other pro sports leagues with their arrest rate….
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You know it’s really spring in Denver when…. a blizzard shuts down the airport.
Passengers on board a private plane escaped injury when their landing gear collapsed at San Jose Airport. Good thing it wasn’t United – they’d have probably started to charge a wheels fee.
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So in the SF Bay Area March means two things: Next month the Giants are back. And next month the 49ers will make another bad draft pick.
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OK, 66 is WAY too damn young. R.I.P Garry Shandling. My favorite quote – “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”
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Michele Bachmann wrote a long rambling post basically intimating that the Brussels bombings were Obama’s fault because God wanted to force the media to pull their attention from his Cuba trip. Wow. Is Bachmann angling for a post in a possible Trump cabinet?
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From Dwight Perry, “If you think the NFL’s “what’s a catch?” rule can be cruel, ponder this for a second: Northern Iowa won an NCAA tournament game on a half-court heave that was still in the air 10 feet from the basket when the final buzzer sounded — and Cincinnati lost even though its tying shot was inside the cylinder at the buzzer. The latter because the shooter’s fingertip was still touching the ball.
Yeah, sports are weird.
Categories: airline jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Cruz jokes, Cuba jokes, Florida jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Trump jokes
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March 23, 2016
A new Harris study says that Americans drink more when they are happy and celebrating than when they are stressed and having bad days. Which does not quite explain beer sales over the years at Wrigley Field.
Carmelo Anthony says that Syracuse is going to beat Gonzaga on Friday: “We’re going to win. We’re going to the Elite 8.” Wonder if the 2016 Knicks could make it to the Elite 8.
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Aaron Rodgers says he saw a UFO in New Jersey in 2005. Is he sure it wasn’t one of Eli Manning’s rookie year passes?
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Conrad Dobler, 65, a retired NFL offensive guard, said in an interview talking about his memory loss. “I have six kids, I don’t even know their names.”
Sad, but in the NFL there are young men without CTE who don’t even know how many kids they HAVE.
The JetBlue flight attendant who fled a security checkpoint after being caught trying to smuggle 70lb of cocaine in her carry-on bag has turned herself in. Still trying to wrap my head around that 70 lbs – and I thought my purse was heavy.
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After playing the Cuban national team the Tampa Bay Rays’ plane had mechanical issues and was stuck on the tarmac for hours in Havana. So the U.S. players must have felt right at home.
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Forbes says the New York Yankees are the most valuable team in baseball, now at a $3.4 billion valuation. Imagine what they’d be worth with real playoff revenue again.
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A-Rod told ESPN.com today that “I won’t play after next year.” Later he told the NY Daily News that after his contract ends in 2017, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
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Lebron James said on the A&M comeback over UNI: “I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa, I would quit.”
Hmm, because that loss was almost as embarrassing as getting swept by the Spurs in the the 2007 NBA finals? #stayclassy
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At Stanford Shopping Center in California, an off-duty police officer working security for a business accidentally left his gun in a restroom. Fortunately it was found and turned in by another security guard. Bringing to mind another question – how do you stop a stupid guy with a gun?
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In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old girl who says she didn’t even know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby in her bathroom. Fortunately the child is doing well. Got to love that “abstinence only” education.
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Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz. And Cruz must be so thrilled to have such a winner on his team.
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Donald Trump is apparently furious at Ted Cruz for using a scantily-clad picture of Melania from her model days in a campaign ad. Hmm, well, if that upsets him so much am sure the Democrats will honor Trump’s wishes and never post any of those pictures in the general election.
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One thing is pretty certain out of this Cruz-Trump fight over pictures of their spouses. Pretty sure even the Donald wouldn’t have the stomach to post pictures of a nearly naked Bill Clinton.
Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are calling for extra surveillance of Muslim-Americans. But if you look at recent terrorist acts – there is another link that is even stronger- almost all the killers were relatively young men. So maybe what we REALLY need to do is start seriously monitoring men between the ages of 18-35.
Categories: airline jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Clinton jokes, Cruz jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
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March 3, 2016
Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.
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South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.
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Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”
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John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being. Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign: A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”
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So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. #coincidence?
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Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..
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Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?
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Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?
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An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.
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Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”
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Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? #ratings #whatsyourdeal?
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LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?
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Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?
Has someone told the #Thunder that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? #Warriors #NBA
Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cruz jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt jokes, Romney jokes, Rubio jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 25, 2016
Major League Baseball has changed the rules this year to say runners must make a “bona fide” slide at second base. Chase Utley’s response – “It will definitely help keep guys healthy for sure.” Well, if Utley starts obeying the rule it will certainly keep opposing pitchers from throwing at his head….
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#MLB will limit mound visits this year to 30 seconds. Well how will players be able to decide on good wedding gifts? #Candlesticks
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Dexter Fowler, who turned down a 1-year $15.8 million qualifying offer with the Cubs, just ended up signing to return to Chicago for $8 million. And then I presume Fowler fired his agent.
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ESPN has named Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels as the worst in MLB for 2016. Hmm, is this a challenge for Pablo Sandoval?
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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen published a cookbook (what, super models eat?) that included a picture of her dog wearing a collar with Teigen’s personal cellphone number on it. So Chrissy had to change her number.
Well, that ought to do wonders to dispel the image of dumb blondes.
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Spelling, another commie-pinko liberal concept: 
One good thing about tonight’s #GOPDebate, easy to listen from the kitchen while cooking dinner without turning up the sound. #nonstopshouting
The latest GOP debate knocked the latest mass shootings, in Kansas, right out of the top headline. Once again, just imagine the ratings these debates would get #ifonlytheywerearmed
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Carnival Cruise Lines is now selling a prepaid drink package that includes wine and spirits up to $50 per serving. With all due respect, if you drink stuff that is that high-end, just guessing you won’t be on Carnival.
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Emily Maynard won “the Bachelor,” and then after breaking up with the guy, became “the Bachelorette” got engaged again and broke up with him too. Now married to someone she didn’t meet on TV, Maynard has written a book “I said Yes”, because she thinks God “gave me the platform to help grow his kingdom.”
And God is thinking “What, it’s not enough that I’m getting blamed for Ted Cruz….”
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Former Mexico President Vincente Fox on Trump’s plans: “I declare, I’m not going to pay for that f—–g wall.” Well, if the Donald is elected, how long before Canadian PM Justin Trudeau decides they’ll pay for a wall to keep Americans out?
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In response to protests from anti-abortion activists Lands’ End has pulled an interview with Gloria Steinem from their website – the feature wasn’t about abortion, but was rather part of a series on “individuals who have made a difference in both their respective industries and the world at large.”
Well, there’s one company to take permanently off my shopping list.
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Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelor jokes, baseball jokes, Cruz jokes, Cubs jokes, GOP debate jokes, Janice Hough, lands end jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 22, 2016
Denny Hamlin won the #Daytona500 by just six inches. Not surprisingly men who saw the photo thought it was more like a foot.
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#Daytona500 today. The only time of the week millions of #NASCAR fans enjoy watching anyone turn to the left.
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Wonder if even Derek Jeter is thinking this #KobeBryant farewell tour is getting over the top?
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The 2016 #Marlins apparently have a rule against facial hair. Well, not like they are going to have to worry about playoff beards.
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Former Cowboys RB Joseph Randle has been arrested for the 5th time in 17 months. Is Randle trying to prove he still belongs in the NFL?
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SF Giants prospect Ray Black has been clocked at 104 mph. And somewhere Barry Zito is just weeping.
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GOP conventional wisdom always had it that “it should have been Jeb.” Dems now concur. Based on this campaign, were he running against Jeb, Gore wouldn’t have even needed Florida.
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So March Rubio edged Ted Cruz for second in South Carolina tonight: Wonder if Cruz or Trump will be the first to try to hire Chris Christie.
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So the alleged Kalamazoo shooter is a white man with a “typical American family.” Waiting for the first person who figures out a way to try to blame this on Muslims or immigrants.
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Not great publicity for Uber that the Kalamazoo suspect was an Uber driver who was picking up fares between shootings. Let’s hope that while scared residents tried to get home that the company wasn’t also doing surge pricing.
#bustohell #ubertohell?
Mitt Romney apparently has finally decided to endorse Marco Rubio, So until now was he only 47% percent sure?
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Hillary Clinton today was countering criticism that she’s running for President for “selfish reasons.” Give me a break, they’re ALL running for selfish reasons.
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Edward Snowden says he misses the U.S. and is willing to be extradited home if the U.S government guarantees he would get a fair trial where he can make “a public interest defense.” Uh, not sure if Snowden would be convicted or not, but getting media coverage of his defense is not going to be an problem.
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When the lights went out at one of his rallies, Donald Trump used the occasion to lash out at “the dishonest press.” Is that any way to talk about the people who have made it unnecessary for the Donald to pay for any of his publicity?
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, snowden jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Bush jokes, Cruz jokes, Daytona 500 jokes, Janice Hough, Kobe jokes, Trump jokes
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February 22, 2016
A new study says that coffee may lead to a lower risk of developing cirrhosis from drinking too much alcohol. Well, heck, that calls for an Irish coffee.
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Texas A&M got an upset win at the buzzer against #Kentucky in OT. Wonder how John #Calipari will discipline his players – make them go to class?
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LSU men’s basketball coach Johnny Jones benched star Ben Simmons for the start of tonight’s game against Tennessee because “we had to address some academic stuff with him earlier in the week.” Simmons entered the game after 4 1/2 minutes. 4 1/2 minutes?! Yeah, that will teach him.
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Barry Bonds today “God knows I’m a Hall of Famer.” But wonder how long baseball writers will still think -“The Hall of Fame is reserved for those who played the game with integrity, like Gaylord Perry.”
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Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh is being criticized for taking his football team to Florida for their allowed 20 hours a week practice during spring break. NCAA president Mark Emmert – “They’re having a hard time being students and doing what students want to do.”
Uh, let’s see, the option was staying in wintry Ann Arbor or going to Florida for a week, with free time after practice. And Emmert made his comment with a straight face?
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Marissa Mayer says she can still turn Yahoo around. From one ditch into another ditch?
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Jeb Bush suspended his Presidential campaign. Shocking many people who couldn’t see proof he was actually running one.
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Charles Koch says he agrees with Bernie Sanders that the “system is often rigged to help the privileged few at the expense of everyone else.” Well, and Koch and this brother ought to know. They helped rig it.
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Ted Cruz told his supporters tonight “We have made history.” Trouble is, most of this supporters don’t believe in history. (or math. )
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For the latest contest entry into the “How low can you go?” in this election, I give you Donald Trump’s tweet today:. “I wonder if President Obama would have attended the funeral of Justice Scalia if it were held in a Mosque? Very sad that he did not go! ” #nottheonion
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So Trump likes to denigrate education by saying we spend more per capita than any other country already. But then when he talks about about the military he’s not only okay with spending more than everyone else, he wants to spend more?
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The Georgia Senate passed a bill that that would protect people and organizations from “discriminatory action” by the government, if they opt out of serving any couple – gay or straight — if they cite a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction regarding marriage.
So what happens when say, someone decides not to serve a couple “living in sin,” or a divorced couple? Or an unwed mother like Bristol Palin?
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From T.C. “Donald Trump reiterated his plan to build a border wall between the US and Mexico. In related news, Las Vegas oddsmakers have just installed Mexico as the favorites in the Olympic pole-vault competition.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bonds jokes, Bush jokes, Cruz jokes, drinking jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, sanders jokes, Trump jokes
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February 18, 2016
How can you not love the SF Giants’ Matt Duffy. Or at least his cat Skeeter?
the caption from duffcat35 –
“said goodbye to Matty this morning. Season, here we come! #evenyear #springtraining #arizona #duffman #duffcat
Most #SFGiants fans were unhappy to see Pablo Sandoval leave but this year they have to be thrilled to have Matt Duffy, a 3rd baseman who is not only younger and about $18.5 million a year cheaper, but whose only weight issues belong to his cat.
It just gets better. Now Yankees COO Lonn Trost says he doesn’t like fans who paid retail selling tickets cheaply on sites like Stubhub: “It’s not that we don’t want that fan to sell it, but that fan is sitting there having paid a substantial amount of money for a ticket and (another) fan picks it up for a buck-and-a-half and sits there, and it’s frustrating to the purchaser of the full amount. And quite frankly, the fan may be someone who has never sat in a premium location. So that’s a frustration to our existing fan base.”
Clearly, they need a violin section to fill those premium empty seats….#thehumanity
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Coach Mike Krzyzewski says he will still coach the U.S. Olympic team, despite planned knee replacement surgery after the NCAA season is over. Hmm, thought the only active big name in basketball old enough for knee replacement surgery was Tim Duncan.
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Colts linebacker Jonathan Newsome was arrested near Indianapolis last night and JAILED over two counts of marijuana possession. Add another to the list of potential free agents who want to sign with the Denver Broncos.
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Adele said “‘I cried pretty much all day” after the Grammys. Maybe she can write a song about the experience.
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With this Apple/San Bernadino thing I think I’ve figured out many Americans’ approach to privacy – the government should do everything necessary to keep me safe, as long as it doesn’t involve my own personal information.
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The Tax Policy Center analyzed Ted Cruz’s proposed 10% flat tax and said not only would it favor the wealthy, but it would cost the country $8.6 trillion over a decade. Waiting for Cruz to respond that numbers have a liberal bias.
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Thinking Will Rogers never met #DonaldTrump or #TedCruz.
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Pope Francis on Trump. “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian,” Going to be fun now to see the Donald attack the Pope.
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Walmart is giving all their employees pay raises this year, so the average full-time worker will make $13.38. (about $25,000 a year.) Part-timers will get an an average hourly wage of $10.58. They say it will cost them $1.6 billion for their 1.4 million workers.
By comparison Walmart’s top 6 executives make a combined total of $76 million….
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After a DNA test, Bristol Palin has apparently conceded in a custody and support battle that former fiance Dakota Meyer is the father of her 2 month old daughter. So how many options were there? #abstinenceambassador
Sandra Day O’Connor, who thinks Obama should nominate a new Supreme Court judge, and the Senate confirm him or her. “We need somebody in there to do the job and just get on with it.”
Three words “You go girl.”
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As the conspiracy theories fly on Scalia, the Borowitz Report once again has it right: “The only suspect I have definitively ruled out is Mitch McConnell,” a leading conspiracy theorist said. “No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine a scenario where he accomplished something.”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, Cruz jokes, Janice Hough, Pope jokes, SF Giants jokes, spring training jokes, Trump jokes, Walmart jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 17, 2016
“Being There,” “The Ides of March,” “Bulworth,” “Man of the Year”.. etc. Thinking after 2016 they may never again be able to make a satirical movie about running for President, since art will never be the equal of life.
Nothing is certain but death, taxes and NEVER counting #Duke out against #NorthCarolina
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Apparently millennials bought over 40% of the wine sold in the US last year. Well, they certainly did over 80% of the whining.
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President Obama’s in his 2017 budget proposal has removed $10 million in funding for “abstinence-only” sexual education classes in public schools. Makes sense, save the money for where it is really needed for those kids – education on being parents.
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#NottheOnion Glenn Beck today called into a radio show to say that God had allowed Justice Scalia to die now to try to wake the American people up – “See how close your liberty is to being lost ” and to get them to elect Ted Cruz.
And God is saying, “Don’t blame me, I haven’t done anything that bat-shit crazy since I created the platypus.”
The Yankees are banning print-at-home tickets; they are trying to battle with Stubhub for selling tickets cheaper than the team for some games. Well, it’s understandable, I suppose, such a small market team needs to pinch every penny.
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A new FDA study found that many brands of “100% grated Parmesan cheese” contained significant amounts of cellulose (wood fiber), and that Target’s Market Pantry brand had no parmesan at all (it had other cheese plus cellulose.) Well, and the cheese still might be more authentic than many dishes at Olive Garden.
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An American Airlines plane clipped the tail of a Southwest Airlines jet yesterday morning at Detroit Metropolitan Airport. Wonder if the pilots were texting at the time?
El Chapo is complaining that life behind bars is “turning me into a zombie.” So will his next prison break be titled the “Zombie Apocalypse?”
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American Idol’s last season continues but we still can’t vote yet. Sort of like the pre-primary polling for this Presidential election, but not quite as much fun of a circus.
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Apparently neither Justice Scalia nor his friends paid for that trip to the luxury ranch last weekend, and the ranch owner had business before the Supreme Court. But it’s okay, because the people who are most livid about that are the same ones slamming Hillary Clinton for her paid speeches to Wall Street etc… #sarcasm
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A fake news story is making the rounds about a man dying in a meth lab explosion after setting his own farts on fire. But you know, it’s Florida, so it could be true.
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Ted Cruz, born in Calgary as the son of a Cuban father and an American mother , said ‘I’ve never breathed a breath of air on this world not as a U.S. citizen It was the act of birth that made me a U.S. citizen.”
Right, even though Cruz lived in Canada until he was four, and didn’t renounce Canadian citizenship until 2014. Somewhere in the White House, Barack Obama is giggling.
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Now Nike has dumped Manny Paquaio over his comments comparing homosexuals to animals, which included him saying, .”Have you seen any animal having male-to-male or female-to-female relations?
Well, leaving aside Paquaio forgetting a cardinal rule – gay consumers spend $$$$ – actually if he did any research at all he would know many animals DO display homosexual behavior. #cantfixstupid
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Nikki Haley is endorsing Marco Rubio in the South Carolina primary. Stand by for Trump attacks on the S.C. governor in 3.2.1….
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S.C. GOP Congressman Trey Gowdy is upset about a fake Facebook post saying he endorsed Ted Cruz: “It appears that the campaign of Sen. Ted Cruz may not place the same value on waging a contest based on the truth and facts.”
And the rest of the GOP field responds “What are these ‘truth and facts’ you speak of?”
Categories: airline jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Cruz jokes, El Chapo jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, primary jokes, scalia jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 
As a British Studies major once upon a time, have to note that JD in PA reminds us .”Anyone who had a Shakespeare course in college could tell you that “Bend it like Richard III” should work on at least two levels.#leicesterjokes”