Posted tagged ‘McCain jokes’

The name of the game?

April 27, 2016

Okay, if you had someone who had never watched baseball before  last night’s SF Giants’ 1-0 win, a Johnny Cueto complete game gem. And then they watched today’s 13-9 game…. well, it would be very hard to explain to them that it’s the same sport.

 

 

#‎NBA‬ worried about ‪#‎AllStar‬ game in ‪#‎NorthCarolina‬, but no one figured they’d need to worry about 2nd or 3rd round playoff games ‪#‎Hornets‬

#‎Rockets‬ don’t just look like they don’t belong on floor with ‪#‎Warriors‬, Houston looks like they don’t belong on floor with ‪#‎Villanova‬.

Justin Bieber picked the Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA title. That might be the best news the Warriors, Thunder and Spurs have heard all week.

He stays, he goes, he stays, he goes…? Apparently 49ers GM Trent Baalke still won’t rule out trading Colin Kaepernick this week. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dudes, make up your minds.”

Emily Pitha, a fundraiser for John McCain’s Senate re-election campaign fundraiser, has been arrested in Arizona for a meth lab with LSD, cocaine, heroin, counterfeit cash and bomb-making materials. And who’d a thunk McCain would ever associate with a woman he hadn’t properly vetted.

Donald Trump  accuses Hillary of playing the “woman card.” Ted Cruz picks Carly Fiorina, thereby playing the “madwoman card.”

Dennis Hastert has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. Yep, the same former speaker who voted with the Moral Majority and co-sponsored a bill against online predators, saying “it sends a strong message to the most heinous of criminals who prey upon our children — you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”
I guess preying upon children at school doesn’t count?

Ted Cruz has apparently picked  Carly Fiorina as his running mate. The only person who could make Cruz look likeable by comparison?

So have to wonder, if Cruz wanted to add a woman to his proposed ticket, why not someone like Nikki Haley, who most people like and respect even if they don’t agree with her.
Hmm, of course maybe he did ask and Haley is smart enough to have said “NFW.”

Ted Cruz has picked Carly Fiorina for his running mate should he win the nomination. Hmm, wonder who Ben Stiller has picked for his speechwriter should he win an Oscar for Zoolander 2?

Ted Cruz last night, referencing Hoosiers “The amazing thing is that basketball ring here in Indiana, it’s the same height as it is in New York City and every other place in this country.”
Standby for Cruz’s next speech where he talks about getting into the boxing hoop with Donald Trump.

Dennis Hastert has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. Yep, the same former speaker who voted with the Moral Majority and co-sponsored a bill against online predators, saying “it sends a strong message to the most heinous of criminals who prey upon our children — you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law.”
I guess preying upon children at school doesn’t count?

 

 

 

 

You had one job

January 28, 2016

We might have a winner for the year in the #Youhadonejob, and it goes to the guy in charge of painting the end zones for Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium – they painted TWO with the Broncos logo.  And forgot about the Panthers. #Nottheonion

 

 

The Dallas Cowboys will not resign Greg Hardy. Apparently because Hardy was frequently late for meeting, and wasn’t in peak physical condition because he partied too much. So domestic violence is okay as long as you show up on time and in shape?

 

 

Missouri dismissed QB Maty Mauk from the football team for “violating team rules” after a video surfaced of him apparently snorting cocaine. Mauk had a 17-5 record as a starter. Too soon to start a pool on which coach will give him a second chance?

In New York City , police arrested two men with $14 million in heroin in the bed of a big pickup truck after the men were spotted driving around looking for parking. Truly insane. Not the attempted smuggling, but who thinks with a pickup truck they can find actual parking on NYC streets?

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch was flown from Puerto Vallarta to Dallas today. Wonder if he complained about the trip not being first class?

Some controversy over Joseph Fiennes being cast to play Michael Jackson in an upcoming BBC TV movie. Is that because Fiennes is white or because he’s male?

John McCain says of the current election “I’ve never seen anything like this.” And presumably this even includes the Lincoln-Douglas debates

Best news for ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ during tonight’s GOP debate. Not just more air time without Trump, less competition for post debate doughnuts.

Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee decided to attend Donald Trump’s rally after the children’s table debate tonight. Because apparently at this point they dislike Trump less than they love ANY publicity.

Today Trump said that it was Fox News’ sarcastic comments about his withdrawal that sealed his decision to stay away from the debates. Attention US friends and enemies – so apparently it’s not just “sticks and stones” that hurt the Donald…

Now rumors that the Oakland Raiders are looking into a move to…. Las Vegas. Not that the NFL would allow it as of course the league wants nothing to do with gambling…

Much media discussion of the Challenger disaster today. And it was awful. But for those of us who were kids in the 1960s, it’s actually another sad anniversary – Apollo 1, January 27, 1967 – Gus Grissom, Edward White, and Roger Chaffee. Remembering them as well.

Damn. R.I.P. Paul Kantner, 74. I remember when you were a youngster if you thought first of the band being known as Jefferson Starship. “Nothing ever breaks up the heart, Only tears give you away….” (from Miracles.)

 

My younger friends may not believe this with the various explicit rap and other lyrics these days but when ‪#‎JeffersonStarships‬‘ “Miracles” came out, many radio stations played a version where they censored the lyrics- the offending line ‘I get a taste of the real world, when I go down on you, girl.”

Seems so quaint today.

 

Pat Riley: LeBron ‘never, ever’ requested Erik Spoelstra firing when he was at Miami. Well, of course not, when you’re a superstar you get your posse to handle making that kind of request for you.

Just say anything?

July 20, 2015

Bill Cosby, in a deposition claimed he was good at reading nonverbal clues. “I think I’m a pretty decent reader of people and their emotions in these romantic sexual things…”

Although beginning to seem like a nonverbal clue to Cosby was “Hello.”

The NY Mets managed to win Sunday 3-1 in 18 innings after going 1-26 with runners in scoring position and leaving 25 runners on base. And Phillies fans are thinking “You can GET 25 runners on base?”

What ever happened to that “It never rains in California” stuff. Two rainouts on Sunday, for Padres AND Angels. And Dodgers happy they were in a place with great summer weather like Washington, D.C.

 

Rainout in ‪#‎SanDiego‬? It may not be freezing over, but Hell has to be pretty soggy.

Sunday was “National Ice Cream Day.” Making tomorrow “National ‘Who shrunk my pants?’ Day.

Three-time surfing world champion Mick Fanning was unharmed after being attacked by a shark during a competition in South Africa. Glad he’s okay. But have to wonder if any surfing officials are thinking “Hmm, a couple more near misses with sharks and our ratings will skyrocket.”

A “Deflategate” ball used in the AFC championship sold at auction for $44,000. And somewhere Brady may be thinking “For that much money I’ll let the air out of several more and sign them.”

Online headline at USAToday.com “Amateur and Spieth Chasing History at British Open.” And a lot of fans who have mostly only paid attention to Tiger Woods are going “I think I’ve heard of Jordan Spieth but what’s Amateur’s first name?”

Anyone but me REALLY want to see Donald Trump head down to San Antonio and tell Texans that the men at the Alamo weren’t heroes?

Many in the GOP field are defending John McCain against Donald Trump’s attacks. Wonder where they were during the “Swiftboating” of John Kerry.

 

Many San Francisco Bay Area women were happy to see Sunday night’s news report on the record breaking weather. Not that we liked the very warm humid temperatures, but it was a relief to know the day wasn’t one big long hot flash.

Scott Walker Sunday on if being gay is a choice. “I mean, to me, that’s, I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that question.” This is also the man who said he was going to “punt’ on the question of evolution and that he didn’t know if Obama was a Christian.

But the Wisconsin Governor wants to be President because he says Americans need “fresh, new LEADERSHIP.”

Keep your friends closer?

July 17, 2015

On Thursday, Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison, a medium-security facility in Oklahoma. Probably a better idea than one in Illinois, where the President would have been too likely to run into former political colleagues.

 

Senator John McCain said of Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rally in Arizona – he “fired up the crazies.” Well, and if anyone knows crazy, it’s the man who wanted to give us Vice President Sarah Palin.

Donald Trump’s polling numbers are so good that the GOP may start to take him seriously. In fact, in hopes of giving him some idea of what it actually might like to be President many Republicans want to send Trump on a weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

 

 

Florida State says they will require student-athletes to be required to take a course in social responsibilities, one that “would give them some additional background in consequences of actions.” And I’m sure Seminoles’ football players will give the course the same high standard of attention they give to all their classes.

Dodgers Nationals  were in a game delay due to a bank of lights going out at Nationals Park. Maybe teams should call Congress – they have plenty of experience working in the dark.

 

And then the Dodgers Nationals game was suspended in the sixth inning tonight after a third power outage. And Mets fans are thinking, haven’t we been in a power outage since the April?

For ‪#‎TBT‬, Kim Kardashian decided to repost a 2010 magazine picture of herself nude in a pool of silver paint. It’s going to be so much fun when North West his puberty. ‪#‎youregoingoutlookinglikethat‬? ‪#‎karmaisameanbitch

 

 

J.J. Watt, in an interview cautioning high school athletes, “Read each tweet about 95 times before sending it Look at every Instagram post about 95 times before you send it. A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin. So don’t let that happen to you. Just be very smart about it.”

All good advice, assuming these athletes can count to 95.

Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic, 22, was arrested at the W Hotel in Miami Beach, after there were multiple complaints about a raucous party in his penthouse suite, and he ignored police requests to turn down the music. Uh, just how loud do you have to be to be too loud for South Beach?

A police raid Friday at a home of an Orlando city commissioner has apparently found both drugs and guns. Your move, Louisiana.

 

A rain delay means that Tiger Woods did not complete his second round Friday and will have to finish up Saturday morning.  So even God decided He/She really wanted to see Tiger play on the weekend?

 

From Bill Littlejohn,  “In 1930, Clayton Kershaw’s great-uncle, Clyde Tombaugh, discovered Pluto. Fitting, because that’s where Kershaw’s curveball disappears to in the post-season.”

While the vast majority of American Muslims are good law-abiding citizens, some people are calling for increased surveillance and profiling of Muslims because individuals have committed horrific crimes. So if the object is to prevent crimes, then presumably those same people should be calling for increased surveillance and profiling of gun owners…?

 

All Bucked Up

October 13, 2014

Since NLCS games 1 and 2 weres basically being called by St. Louis home town announcers can the SF Giants Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper call game 3 for Fox Tuesday?

 

The advantage of watching ‪#‎SFGiants‬ on FOX. All game stress is mitigated by ability to scream at TV regularly due to idiocy of Joe Buck

 

(and the above two are not sour grapes, I wrote both lines when the Giants were tied or winning.)

But okay, if anyone had told ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans that their team would have given up four home runs on mistake pitches while hitting ZERO home runs themselves, and the team would be returning to AT&T tied 1-1, (with Yadier Molina probably out for the series), they would have been ecstatic.

 

Taylor Swift quoted on the cover of People Magazine. “It would take an astonishing human being for me to even consider getting back in a relationship.” Well, either that or a bad case of writer’s block.

As bad as day as the Jets had, this week they didn’t even look like the worst team in New York. Or rather, New Jersey.

MSU #1 in the new coaches poll.  Ole Miss #3.  So a lot of sportswriters and copy editors are finally finding a use for that old M-I-S-S, I-S-S, I-P-P-I spelling chant from grade school.

USC escaped with a 28-26 win Saturday night despite 13 fourth quarter points from Arizona when the Wildcats’ kicker missed his third FG of the game, a 36 yarder with 12 seconds left. Trojan coach Steve Sarkisian said “God’s got a plan, but we’re not exactly what his plan is for us yet.” And God said, “don’t blame me for all these lousy Pac12 placekickers.”

Raiders fans egged the Chargers’ team bus as it arrived at O.co Stadium for today’s game. Fortunately, since this was Oakland, most of the eggs were intercepted.

After last night’s NASCAR race in Charlotte, Matt Kenseth and Brad Keselowski ended up fighting in the garage. If this sort of thing starts happening near the track it could double ratings.

Wonder how many Americans are so worried about ‪#‎Ebola‬ that they are now reading updates on their phones while driving?

John McCain now wants a “health care czar.” And hey, the post of Surgeon General is vacant. Why? Because Dr. Vivek Murthy, President Obama’s November 2013 nomination, hasn’t been confirmed by the Senate. Murthy’s crime, upsetting the NRA by calling guns “a health care issue” in a 2012 tweet…. ‪#‎haveyounoshame‬

 

 

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving.  A day where Canadian residents with national healthcare and reasonable gun laws look at the U.S. and feel thankful they live where they do. Of course, there’s a reason this day is in October, well before Canada deals with actual winter.

 

 

Continuing Heat wave?

June 6, 2014

San Antonio says they have fixed the air conditioning after a sweltering game 1 at A T & T Center. Considering the result, have they fixed it at a constant 90 degrees? #Spurs

 

Lebron James says “I know I’m the easiest target that we have in sports, I’m aware of it.” And A-Rod responded “Who am I, chopped liver?”

 

Bud Selig twice referred yesterday to the of the 20014 MLB Draft. 20014? Maybe the commissioner was confused. That’s when his Blue Ribbon Committee will make a decision on the proposed move of the Oakland As..

Rashad McCants, who as a junior was a member of UNC’s championship men’s basketball team, says that tutors wrote his papers and he took ‘bogus” classes to stay eligible during his three years at the university. Gosh,at least Calipari’s “one-and-dones’ only fake their way through one semester.

J.Lo and Casper Smart have split up. Wonder if she left him for a younger man?

John McCain is loudly criticizing President Obama’s deal to release Bowe Bergdahl. Which is particularly interesting considering that Senator McCain himself was part of a POW swap by Richard Nixon. #memoryisthefirstthingtogo

 

Friday was the 70th anniversary of #DDay, the invasion of Normandy. For many college football players not to be confused with days when they found they barely avoided “F”s in class.

 

An analyst says the New York Knicks could now be worth $3 billion. Could you imagine how much the team might be worth if they could actually make the playoffs?

 

A Ghana witch doctor says he put a spell on Portugal star Cristiano Ronaldo and caused his thigh injury. Yeah, well if the witch doctor is really good let’s see if he can get Ghana out of the World Cup first round…..

 

 

The first tweet from @CIA -“We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.” Waiting for some GOP House member to call this a time wasting exercise and blame it on Obama.

 

A San Antonio area school district is upsetting some parents by banning children from bringing sunscreen to school or on field trips. Sunscreen is considered a toxic substance. Wonder if it’s okay if kids bring something harmless instead, like guns.

(My friend Jeff Klein adds “Tan your Ground.”)

 

Richard Sherman beat out Cam Newton in online voting at ESPN.com and so will be on the cover of the new “Madden NFL 15” video game. Which could be good news, for Panthers and 49ers fans.

A Seattle Pacific University student monitor who pepper-sprayed the gunman and tackled him is being hailed as a hero. Out of habit the NRA responded, “if only he had been armed.”

Regarding this Super Bowl Arabic-Roman numbering issue, Marty says he’s looking forward to  “World Series CVIII.”

Basebrawl.

April 22, 2014

The Brewers’ Carlos Gomez, talking about a brawl he helped start Sunday against the Pirates, said “Things happen in the game. We know it’s not good for baseball…” Well, on the other hand, how often do national networks show highlights of a Milwaukee-Pittsburgh game?

 

No brawl broke out in Colorado Monday night.    Although stealing second base with a 7 to 1 lead in Coors Field… reasonable. Stealing second base against the current SF Giants with a 7 to 1 lead, grounds for beaning.

And maybe the SF Giants hitters just need to relax. Since they’re in Colorado can Bruce Bochy put Tim Lincecum on snack duty?

A 16 year-old boy is lucky to be alive after stowing away in the wheel well of a flight from San Jose, CA to Maui this weekend. The FBI and TSA are trying to figure out how to tighten security. Airlines are trying to figure out if there is any way to charge for flying in the wheel well.

ESPN analyst Keyshawn Johnson was arrested for alleged domestic violence over the weekend. Just another guy trying to prove he’s still in NFL form?

John McCain was on Monday night’s “Late Night with Seth Meyers.” Presumably trying to appeal to his supporters who are up at that hour. Both of them.

The Knicks today fired Mike Woodson. Wonder who will be the next head coach the team can blame for not contending for an NBA title.

Neil Young has released a new album “A Letter Home” on vinyl only. Some Millennials are responding “Who’s Neil Young?” Even more are responding “What is ‘vinyl’?”

Lindsay Lohan says now she recently had a miscarriage. “What a great mother she would have made” said absolutely nobody.

Sunday, 4/20, was the unofficial National Pot Holiday. Which means a number of folks will be showing up in California parks all week saying “Where is everyone?”

 

Truly amazing story of that young man who stowed away in a Hawaiian Airlines wheel well and made it to Maui. Even more amazing, he knocked the search for MH370 off CNN’s front page.

It takes 16 wins in the playoffs to win the NBA championship. To put that in perspective, 16 wins was last season’s total counting playoffs for the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks.

 

According to Fox News Charles Krauthammer said “it is evident the real objective of ObamaCare is to sever the relationship that Americans have now with their private insurance so everyone eventually ends up in in a market essentially controlled by the government.”  As an ex-resident of Canada,  we can only hope…..

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “In Austria, a man walked into a police station and was arrested after he asked to see if he was wanted for arrest. He was. Police have no choice but to incarcerate him and then extradite him to Florida.”


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